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BROCK LESNAR:
WRESTLING
WITH
FOOTBALL.
By Sean
Carless
 (originally posted in Spring
2004).
It is said that it's Brock Lesnar's
dream to play in the NFL, but after a week in training
camp "The Next Big Thing" is seemingly having some
difficulty in adjusting to his new surroundings. Mainly,
an out and out refusal to wear pants on the field. But
hey, who'd want to tackle or receive a ball from the
ass-end of a dude only wearing the smallest briefs
imaginable? Maybe it's a smarter strategy than we could
ever imagine...
That said, although Lesnar is
clearly athletically gifted, and his heart is in the
right place (freeze-dried in a bar fridge in Vince
McMahon's office) Brock has apparently been responsible
for several "incidents" that have been raising more than
a few eyebrows. Regular eyebrows that is, and not
"people's" one's. Because that'd be absurd. Clearly.
Anyway, at this point, it is not known whether Lesnar
will be able to make the full transition to Pro Football
until certain "instincts" subside. These "incidents" are
briefly listed below and have not been altered in any
way other than being completely fabricated and made up.
Ahem.
Lesnar's
Recent Follies:
"F-5
Yard Line".
Despite being told many times,
Lesnar refuses to stop charging line-men
in his own "unique" manner, which includes scooping them
up and twirling them through the air. He also
misunderstood the referee's call of a flag on the play,
hearing the word "fag" and going berserk." I don't like
Gays !" Lesnar growled. Before bending
over again, and fondly thinking back to his days of
pantslessly cinching and grinding men in the
completely un-gay world of Amateur
Wrestling.
Also, Brock has been reprimanded on several
occasions for discussing impending plays with the RIVAL
team, eventually coming to his own defense by
spouting that his only intention was to "put together a
believable game." The following was transcribedfrom this
controversialmoment:
**Lesnar
approaches other team's huddle**
Brock: "So, guys; here's what's going to
happen. You catch the kick off, and you get about say 40
yards out. Then I'll tackle you and retrieve the ball.
Then for the next, I don't know, 10-15 minutes, I'll get
the heat and go to about the 95 Yard line, when
suddenly you make the hot tag to your line-men.
From there, you'll make the big babyface comeback,
catch the ball, give me a Rock Bottom, and get the
touchdown.
That's the
finish."
Opposing Teams'
Quarter-Back: "Umm, Football is real,
Brock."
Brock: "Holy
fuck, since
when?!..."
Very
sad.
"Dying to see the Big
Game".
Recently, Brock
was responsible for somewhat of a P.R. nightmare when he
hurled a visiting "Make A Wish" Foundation youngster
down the steep Stadium stairs. Brock's defense was that
he thought it would generate some great "Heel Heat" for
the team, and that at his previous vocation, "that's
what you did with crippled retards". Perhaps, wiping the
child's blood on his own chest was not the best recourse
either...
"Here Comes The
Plane!"
Much to the
dismay of his Coaches and other players, Brock has opted
on several occasions to park his sprawling Private Jet
on the 50 Yard Line.
"Like it's going to fit in the
fucking parking lot!" said Brock ignorantly.
The only person even mildly amused by the
situation seems to be current Smackdown color
analyst, Tazz, who constantly shows up at games
and runs onto the field and yells "HERE COMES THE
PLANE!" to little reaction. " What? dat's no good?
Well, what if I said sumfin about it bein' off a da
chain or a reo rocketbusta? No? Well, I can say odder
'tings dat don't sound retahded, you know! Really, it's
true! Dey just don't
ever let
me" said a disgruntled Tazz, before breaking
into tears and taking his own life while Paul Heyman
explained the way he was choking himself was illegal in
judo but legal in wrestling. Or
something.
"Brock
Tease".
Despite Brock's
best intentions, Brock's "hand-picked" Cheerleader
has proven to be somewhat distracting to his own
team-mates (as seen right), and thanks to her
seemingly dissolving in the Team's hot tub backstage,
many players were not able to utilize it to loosen up
their muscles and subsequently half the squad is now on
injury reserve.
Brock's reply to the situation was also
met with disdain: "How was I supposed to know
she'd disintegrate? Since when does plastic melt at
really high temperatures? This is all BS. I
coulda just put 'em in the Brock-lock if they were so
fucking insistent on gettin' stretched out. All
they had to do was
ask!".
"An Explosive
Performance".
Much to the terror of
almost everyone involved, Brock apparently misunderstood
the Coach's request for Lesnar to "go for a long bomb",
which unfortunately wielded some disturbing results. "I
don't get it." said Brock after the tragedy. "Big Show
used to blow up all the time in the ring with me, and no one ever died...".
"The Funky
Chicken's for
Pussies".
Although most NFL players utilize their own
trademarked "End Zone dance", Brock's is apparently none
too popular. His repeated climbing of the goal
post, and subsequent "Shooting Star Press" and "50
foot face-plant" has proven to be an unpopular
routine amongst disgruntled players. Especially for
those who attempt to catch the
plummeting Lesnar, or the team mascot that
was unfortunately killed by its impact. "I
don't see what the big deal was with the Mascot"
said Brock. "Vince used to
always tell us guys in masks weren't worth
shit. I just don't get it. So what if he could do cool
flips and appealed to the crowds? He's just
not credible. Ask Vince, he'll tell you all about
it..."
Anyway, the
Coach apparently suggested a fair compromise
where Lesnar is only allowed to leap in the event he's
wearing the parachute from his plane, but a
reliable source has come forward and stated that on
March 20th, Vince McMahon apparently exchanged the pack
for a bag filled with cement and anvils. How
weird.
That all said,
we here at the Wrestling Fan.com hope that Lesnar finds
his legs out there, or at least covers them with some
pants, and becomes the "NFL SUPERSTAR" we all know
he can be. He just needs to stop putting QB's in
bear-hugs and acting befuddled as to why the game's not
instantly over when they "tap out".
Good luck,
Brock!
Sean
Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats
to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411
Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and
Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
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