SEXUAL PREDATOR
Tag
line: He came. He Conquered. Then He Came Again.
Then He Got Injured. And No One Noticed. Or Cared.
Running
Time: 15 Minutes(!)
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger,
"Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry;
Plot: Sent to earth (to likely
elapse a 10 year "Predator" contract they now
likely completely regret)
an extra-terrestrial hunter (Mark Henry), with
a voracious sexual appetite (and armed with a slew
of BODY SLAMS) goes on "Safari" in the jungles
of Central America, hunting human beings, looking
for transvestites, bending frying pans in half, and
desperately trying not to accidentally set off his
own thermal nuclear device and blow himself up. (good
luck).
Along the way, he meets
a Commando who's sexual urges even outweigh
his own. They debate who has bedded more unattractive
masculine women. Hilarity ensues. The Predator then
stumbles into his own net and dies. No one is
surprised.
Roger Ebert
says: "I want to tell you the films first 15
minutes were at least action-packed before the
Predator clumsily stumbles and kills himself, but
unfortunately, 12 of those 15 minutes were a
prolonged bearhug. Then, rather than using
his alien weaponry to finish the fight, he
just tore a phone book in half for no reason.
Strange".
ROB VAN HELSING
Tag
line: This Summer, only one man will be left
standing when the smoke clears. He's Van Helsing, and
he's just your tokin' Vampire slayer...
Running
Time: 90 Minutes;
Starring: Rob Van Dam, Kate
Beckinsale;
Plot: He wastes Vampires...then
gets wasted! RVD portrays famed vampire-slayer Van
Helsing in this variation of Bram Stoker's literary
tale; only tackling the undead with a
"chemically-induced" laid-back disposition. The
trouble though is getting Nosferatu to lay on the
ground long enough for a Rolling thunder....
Roger Ebert
says: "To be honest, I found some of the
action scenes a little far fetched at times. For
example, one minute Van Helsing is mauled by the
wolf-man, and two minutes later he's back on offense as
if nothing happened. A little
supernatural psychology would be nice. That however
pales in comparison to when he throws a stake at a
vampire, who catches it, and then stands completely
still for 3 seconds so Van Helsing can spin-kick it into
his heart.
The most absurd part
though involved a flask of Holy water that he
converts into a Bong. He then rolls a
giant joint out of the Mummy's bandages and spends
the remainder of the film passed out surrounded by empty
funyon bags..."
BIG SHOW IN LITTLE CHINA
Running
Time: 90 Minutes;
Tagline: Even the unbridled
power of centuries-old Chinese black
magic can't pull anything good out of this guy.
Starring: Big Show, Kim Catrall,
and the guy from Seinfeld's Chinese restaurant as "Lo
Pan".
Plot: After accidentally
mispronouncing "goof", Big Show unwittingly unleashes
all the dark forces of Chinese lore!
Roger
Ebert says: "The story opens up with Jack Burton
(Big Show) making a pit-stop in Chinatown after
devouring all the cargo aboard "The Pork-chop
Express". Eventually, he discovers that he is
actually kin to Lo Pan, when it's revealed that his
birth name is "Frying Pan"... named in honor of the size
of his hands. He then tries to cook his friend Egg in
said hands. Things pretty much stop making sense
after that...".
NOT WALKING T'ALL
Tagline: He'd stand up
for justice...if only he could.
Running Time: 85
Minutes
Starring: Droz, Neal
McDonough, Johnny Knoxville;
Plot: Chris Vaughn is
a former military man with a penchant for regurgitating
on command, being a fifth wheel (literally!) and
possessing an uncanny flair for exotic hats.
Chris
returns to his hometown to see it over-run with drugs
and crime. Being a man of conviction, Vaughn decides he
isn't going to take this laying down... but
unfortunately, he doesn't exactly have much of a
choice there. His heart however is in the right place.
Maybe. We'll have to get some X-Rays done to make
sure...
Roger Ebert says:
"A lot of the big fight scenes seemed a little
unrealistic, as basically everyone was just running into
Vaughn's chair, flailing about, even though he
basically just sat there puking"
Plus, you can also tell
that Vince Russo likely had a hand in this
movie, as it's ultimately revealed that
Vaughn really was the "pusher man" all
along....".
THE HULK
Tag
line: And you thought he didn't sell for anyone
before.....
Running
Time: 115 Minutes
Starring: Hulk Hogan, Jennifer
Connelly;
Plot: Years of prolonged exposure
to the sun, coupled with trace amounts of anabolics in
his bloodstream, cause the normally mild-mannered Orange
Goblin to become a green mass of raging emotions,
bruther!"
Roger
Ebert
says:"Get
ready to see Hulk Hogan as we have
never seen him before!.... One
that shrugs off all his enemies offense, tears
clothes enthusiastically from his body, is an unnatural
color, and whom always comes back from seemingly
insurmountable and completely unrealistic
odds!..."
See You At The Movies!!!! Or
in the dumpster. Save us whatever's left of that jelly
donut in
there.
