For
it's entire existence, The History Channel has been all about
documented and accurate accounts of famous events, presented in
a completely unbiased and impartial manner. Not anymore. You see, we
are proud to announce that Vince McMahon and World Wrestling
Entertainment have come to terms on the purchase of all
of World History! It was only a matter of time before we
acquired the world's collective records of history, and now, history
buffs can look forward to a TRUE depiction of
history... the way it was supposed to be re-written!
That of course being: a much more pleasing and
entertaining historical reference, personally okayed by Vincent
K. McMahon himself, and penned by the greatest crack staff
of Historians EVER: The vaunted and celebrated WWE Creative Team!
It's a winning combination!
So, feel free to
browse the site, and be sure to check out our
exciting programming schedule! And above all, enjoy! Or
don't. It doesn't matter one way or the other, honestly. We're
writing the story now, mister. History will show you LOVED it.
Anything can happen in the WWE~!
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SPOTLIGHT:
THE SALEM CRUISERWEIGHT
TRIALS.
An investigation into one of our
nations darkest and most unfortunate
times.
In 1692, Salem
Massachusetts finally put an end to its infamous Salem
Cruiserweight Trials. It is speculated that many individuals under 6
feet tall and weighing less than 200 pounds were sentenced
to death for "dark knowledge of wrestling", which in many cases,
left the ground. Given the choice to renounce their heresy (and use
actual "credible" holds like spinebusters) or burn at the stake,
many young light heavyweights chose to stand up for their brand of
wrestling. Idiots. Join John "Huge superstar in Japan, but that
'skateboard guy' everywhere else" Lauranaitis as he looks back at
many of these deaths on a case by case basis,
before laughing, pointing, and inquiring if it is
indeed possible to fire people who have been dead for over
three hundred years.
More
>
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VIKING
WEEK!:
ERIC IN THE
RED!
Each week, The History
channel is proud to spotlight a different Viking, and their
many contributions to history! Well, except THIS Viking. He never accomplished
ANYTHING!... and you'd be be best to just forget he ever existed! We
sure have!
This week, we look at infamous Viking
explorer, Eric in the Red, and learn how he subsequently ran,
umm, "Greenland" into bankruptcy with frivolous overspending and a
penchant for promoting live concerts instead of umm, plundering?
Sounds about right. Bottom line, he's not half the businessman Vince
is!
That's the show.
Yup.
More
>
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PORTRAIT OF A
PRESIDENT: ONE OF A KIND- THE TRUE STORY OF MARTIN "ROB" VAN
BUREN.
The completely true
story of the 8th President of the United States "Mr. Money in the
Second Bank" Martin "Rob" Van Buren. A Man who
took his educated feet...and head, to the highest office in the
land.
Buren was elected President in
1836. After his infamous inauguration speech where he promised that
he'd "show us all" that his vocabulary consisted of more than "dude"
(fun fact: it didn't), controversy struck when his horse drawn
carriage was pulled over by a local magistrate, and OPIUM was
discovered amongst his possessions. He was also penalized for not
wearing a shirt whilst he traveled, a definite "no-no" for respected
Gentlemen at the time....
More
>
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OUTLAW CORNER:
BILLY THE
KIDMAN!
Each week, History Channel goes to the old
west, for a look at infamous gunslingers and outlaws...well, except the
James Gang. Fuck those guys!
This week, we look at infamous quick draw,
Billy The Kidman; a man who reputedly killed 21 men with errant
somersaults gone awry.
Ultimately he met his end at the hands
of Pat Garrett, who allegedly entered a dark room and powerbombed Billy
from BEHIND (the only way it'd be possible to powerbomb the
man!)
More
>
FALL OF THE AZTEC EMPIRE AND
THE CONQUISTADORS!
It's the amazing TRUE story of how two middle
aged Puerto Ricans in yellow tinfoil defeated the entire Aztec nation..yet
couldn't survive the 1988 Survivor Series!
More
>
CONQUERORS OF HISTORY!:
ATTILA THE HUNTER HEARST
HELMSLEY!
Join History Channel as we chronicle
History's most notable conquerors, plunderers, pillagers and
destroyers...not just limited to Vince
McMahon!
This week, we look at the life of Attila the
Hunter Hearst Helmsley! Also nicknamed "the Scourge of the locker
room" err, we mean God.
Attila reigned roughshod over most of known
world for years, wielding an iron fist (and hammer), angering his Roman
counterparts by demanding gold (Ten pounds with a strap) in
order to maintain the peace. He ultimately fell in battle, after
dismounting his horse, and executing what was thought to be a rudimentary
offensive maneuver. From there, many were heard to say....
"Maybe he should just leave that move to the real horsemen from
now on..."
More
>
ET TU BRUTUS...THE
BARBER BEEFCAKE?: AN EXPOSE INTO THE MURDER OF JULIUS
CAESAR!
Brand new evidence has surfaced that may link
the death of Roman ruler Julius Caesar to one Brutus Beefcake!
Apparently, one of the many stab wounds to Caesar's body
matched the serrated edge of a giant pair of red & white gardening
shears! These new records put Brother Bruti at the scene, in
addition to the somewhat damning evidence that Caesar was
believed to have had a significantly fuller head of hair when he
entered the senate that day....
More >
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HOW THE WAR WAS WON:
ADAM BOMB IS DROPPED ON
JAPAN!
Each week, History Channel looks back at a famous War
(Creed better write some new songs, stat!) and show just how the tide
was ultimately turned. This week, we look at Hiroshima and Nagasaki
in 1945 after being devastated when the Allied Powers (Davey Boy
Smith & Lex Luger) dropped Adam Bomb on the two cities.
Apparently, the tediousness of Bryan Clarke's ring work was said to
be so torturous, that the normally unflinching Japanese forces immediately
surrendered. And good thing too, because Clarke's frequent tag team
partner Bryan "Crush" Adams was about to be called in to
finish the job....
Next week: How Emperor Hirohito was never the same
after the threat of an alleged Chris Benoit summer time
program....
And Coming soon: World War 1, featuring Jess McMahon
booking the very first Tribute to the Troops in 1914, which ran 18 hours,
and featured only one hold: a headlock. (Time limits were
subsequently invented the next
week...)
More >
BATTLE OF LITTLE BIG HORN: WHAT REALLY
HAPPENED....
History has taught
us that Custer's entire 7th Calvary was decimated by a combined
Cheyenne/Lakota tribe effort. Well, we don't like that story. So
here's the REAL one. Custer's forces WERE defeated by a Lakota, all
right... but it was only one: TATANKA. History will now show that
Tatanka defeated over 700 soldiers with Samoan drops, chops and flying
body presses. It's true. Custer's ultimate
undoing is now said to be the fact that he tried to punch
Tatanka while he was dancing in a circle. BIG
MISTAKE.
All in all it was one of the worst Military massacres in
the history of the U.S., and since everyone on Smackdown has easily
defeated Tatanka, this clearly proves that had say Miz, been deployed
to Vietnam, we'd have won that one too.
Clearly.
More >
THE LIFE AND TIMES OF LEONARDO DA
VINCEY
In this feature, we'll look at the life and times of Da
Vincey, widely considered the handsomest and most talented man who ever
lived. In fact, women found themselves mysteriously attracted to him, and
not because he was the boss and wrote it that way. Glad we cleared that
up.
Da Vincey is credited as being one of the most influential
men in history as many of his inventions and innovations were completely
groundbreaking. He then stopped "inventing and innovating" things around
his 60th birthday for no apparent reason, and instead chose to only
paint and sculpt the EXACT SAME things weekly, despite the fact no one was
interested in seeing them. But hey, who are we to question a
genius?
Da Vincey's most famous work is probably the
mysterious "Mona Steph". Her identity is still a mystery to this day. But
man, you can just tell by looking at her that she's brilliant and
would probably be a pretty competent writer today, umm, if she was
alive... which she's clearly not. We'll stop
now.
More >
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RE-WRITING
HISTORY!
Introducing a daily series from the History Channel where
we here at WWE, debunk certain mistruths, rumors and out and out lies. And
much like WCW theme music on DVDs, sometimes things just need to
be inexplicably re-written with no reason given whatsoever other than
pettiness.
OK, then. Here are some impending
episodes:
-David
vs. Goliath: BOLD FACED LIE: Join host Vince McMahon as he
blows the lid off of the lie that has plagued the bible for thousands of
years. Exhaustive research (and common sense, damn it) have revealed that
Goliath handily defeated David in a squash in their famed Old
Testament battle. And if not... well, he should have! It's a
known fact in certain circles that David couldn't work Philistine style
and relied too heavily on props like sling-shots. Plus, did we mention
Goliath was an honest to goodness giant? Come
on!
-Constantine and the CrossSymbol: History Channel explores the Roman Empire's
transition from Pagan god's to McMahonism during the reign of Emperor
Constantine.
-MYSTERIES OF THE
BIBLE SOLVED: Shawn Michaels hosts this interesting and
informative look on Judas' betrayal of Jesus. According to new
information, Judas did not turn in the Christ for 30 pieces of silver, but
rather blindsided the savior with a treacherous superkick, before throwing
him through the plate glass (stained glass?) window of popular local
interview show "The Barabbas
shop".
-THE FALL
OF BATISTA: A look at the high-flying lucha communist
occupation of Cuba by Fidel Castro and "Chavo Guevara"... and the ultimate
downfall of then dictator "The Animal" Fulgencio "Dave" Batista,
who was deposed of his "title" only after tearing his triceps
while running alongside a Havana road during his morning
jog.
-Conspiracy Theory: The Kennedy
Assassination: No explanations needed,
obviously.
-The Fall
of the Resistance: Just what caused Germany's somewhat
easy occupation of France? New information has been revealed that
three key members of the Resistance may
have nonsensically relocated to Quebec for no reason. Who
knew?
- MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN: A look back to the fairytale
wedding of Queen Victoria to Prince Albert in 1840. Things would soon sour for the royal pair
due to what is described as "copious amounts of body hair" and the fact he
had a bad habit of double choke-bombing her Lady's in
waiting....
-Snitsky vs. Wade:
the court case that divided a nation. Join the History
Channel as we document Gene Snitsky's hard fought victory to legalize
abortions. The steel chair part? Not so
much.
-The Life
of Marcus Alexander Bagwell The Great: Relive the conquests
and triumphs, then death of the "Great" one (Alexander the "extremely
overrated and mediocre" didn't have the same ring..) and learn the REAL
reason for his failure to attain India (His Mom flat out told him
"no".)
- QUIRKY FACTS: A look at random
factoids that you may or may not know. Example: Did you know
that the Pilgrims actually landed on Plymouth Rocky Maivia?
And that's actually the real reason why we eat pie at
Thanksgiving!
-WORLD'S
FIRSTS: The Americas are actually first discovered by
the Berzerker in 1001 when he lands in Newfoundland!... he
then proceeds to grab and toss local natives over a roped off
area for no reason.
-THE TWO
FACES OF MOSES: New evidence has come to the forefront
that just may paint an all-new picture of Moses, emancipator of
the Jews. And that picture? A diminutive loud talking balding
man with long pony tail, and absolute no business sense whatsoever.
Join History Channel, as we reveal the REAL reason the Tribe of
Extreme err Judea roamed the desert for 40 years...Moses secretly
made off with all the Golden Idols to film
Rollerball...
Sean Carless is a
man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot.
Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania,
Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also
cured AIDS.
RE-WRITING
HISTORY!
-MYSTERIES OF THE
BIBLE SOLVED: Shawn Michaels hosts this interesting and
informative look on Judas' betrayal of Jesus. According to new
information, Judas did not turn in the Christ for 30 pieces of silver, but
rather blindsided the savior with a treacherous superkick, before throwing
him through the plate glass (stained glass?) window of popular local
interview show "The Barabbas
shop".
-Snitsky vs. Wade:
the court case that divided a nation. Join the History
Channel as we document Gene Snitsky's hard fought victory to legalize
abortions. The steel chair part? Not so
much.
