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White Vans And Candy: (09/18/05) by James Walker

It’s a story told in Stamford, Connecticut. Yes, Vincent Kennedy McMahon is dead and buried – or at least he has died. Folks say his remains were converted into spandex used in wrestling tights across the globe. Truth or Tale, everyone seems to agree that he still haunts every wrestling arena in the world. They say when you go to a live event, and see another talentless hoss destroy your favourite cruiserweight, or when you see the geriatric Triple H once again regain his championship title from an uprising talent, that the spirit of ol’ Vince is cackling in the rafters. They say if you visit WWE.com, and call the name of the boss himself, “Vince McMahon! Ooooo, Vinnie Maaac!” your keyboard will start rumbling & shaking about, and a familiar voice will say “Hey kid, how’s my wrestling empire doing?” If you do not reply with “Very well, Mister McMahon, it stands proudly above all other competitors in every aspect, you’ve conquered Hollywood again, and ratings are up half a point” a jacked-up hand is liable to reach out from your monitor and strangle you silly. Or at least that’s what I was told as a kid.

You see, for some time, Vince McMahon was the most powerful man in the wrestling business – hell, the world. There wasn’t one rest hold of any match that Vince himself did not have full & complete control over. From your pyro-laced ring entrance, to your stinging neck after falling on your head awkwardly, it was all run through the auspices of Vince’s might. It’s been said that with a simple wave of the hand, Vince you have you jobbing out to the entire roster, or give you a perpetual push that would be comparable to the Almighty Lord himself fellating you. They say that Vince had so much power, that the entire wrestling organization named Ring Of Honor had been wiped out one Wednesday evening due to Vince’s annoyance that it didn’t have ‘Wrestling’ in it’s name.

But our story begins before all that. It begins before the WWE was the only wrestling company out there. It begins before Madison Square Garden had been converted to a giant ball pit for children. It begins before we lost society to the Apes, getting it back, only to lose it back to the Elk, getting it back, only to lose it to the Otters – and then finally getting it back. This story begins, if you can believe, in a time when Vince McMahon was just another name in the device formally known as the telephone directory.

On September 10th, 1981, when the sky was still blue & Mars was still the 4th planet from the sun, Vince was floundering in a town called Stamford. He wasn’t a bad man; rather he was an unlucky one. If a friend had received sunburns, Vince was disfigured for life. If a neighbour got a flat tire, Vince’s car was trampled by a stampede of cattle. If buddies got all riled up on coke and had sex with gorgeous models all night to the tune of Def Leppard, Vince was beaten to a pulp by the bus driver with a lazy eye. It wasn’t for a lack of trying – Vince had some great ideas. Infact, he tried starting up a soap company, with his marquee product being ‘Lever 400’. But wouldn’t you know that across the country, some other guy would then put out ‘Lever 2000’! Vince just didn’t know what to do.

Here he was, in his thirties, a raggedy head of hair, living in his parent’s basement, and no hope in sight. In a fit of anger, Vince threw down his fanny pack to the ground and proclaimed “I tell ya… I’d sell my soul to the devil just for a chance to be something!” As he uttered these words, an unholy noise disturbed the setting and Vince jumped back, expecting Lucifer himself to appear. However, it was not to be, as the noise was simply caused by the fact that Vince had thrown his bag into a puddle. Vince collected his thoughts, and strolled on home, saggy fanny in tow.

As evening came, Vince was feeling more at ease about the words he had uttered. He had even allowed himself the chance to play a hilarious round of scrabble with mother. However, a call to the Dark Lord rarely goes unnoticed, and this case was no exception.

The next morning, as the McMahon parents were enjoying their morning porridge, an unforeseen knock on the door was heard. Mother answered the door, and saw a large, red skinned creature with a beastly set of horns, powerful hooves, a sly goatee, and the remains of their beloved cat Rufus dripping from its mouth. Mother didn’t know quite what to make of this, so she called Vince down for she felt it must be one of his weird friends.

Vince walked downstairs, and nearly keeled over at the sight that lay before him. Beelzebub smiled, and asked Vince in a tone that was surely a demand, that he come for a car ride. The two men settled down into one of those old luxurious German model, gasoline powered vehicles. Vince himself had nothing to say; part out of fear and part because Satan himself was humming along as they drove to the stylings KC and the Sunshine Band.

Eventually the duo drove up to a convenience mart, and Satan quickly jetted inside. Vince had no idea what to expect, and was on the edge of urinating himself. However, Lucifer came back into the car, all smiles, with two grape slurpees. “Now… don’t think I didn’t hear what you said the other night, Vinnie.” Satan casually said, as he passed a Big Gulp to Vince. As he shuddered, Satan looked into Vince’s frightened eyes. “I can make your dreams come true; all it requires is a signature.”

Vince had been pondering this ever since he laid eyes on the unholy beast. Sign his soul away to the devil & spend his afterlife in eternal misery, for a successful period of life? Vince then thought of the fact that he was still using his Davey Crocket pajamas, and agreed to sign.

Normally a pact of this importance was signed in blood from the finger tip – however, Satan felt it comically fitting that Vince cut himself with a razor blade on his forehead, and trace his signature. Barely recognizable, Satan rolled up the parchment and gave some instructions to Vince. “Listen – I have given you two tools. One, a hefty sum of money that has been placed into your bank account, to be used to buy your father’s wrestling company. Two, a man by the name of Bret Hart. This second tool will be found eventually, and you must do all that is necessary to acquire his services. I shall be returning in 16 years, at which time I’ll be collecting your debt.” “Why 16 years?” Vince asked. After all, Vince figured it would be a longer term than that, and sixteen seemed like an odd choice – sure the Devil would have picked a nice number – say a multiple of five. The Dark Lord replied that his terms of contract are always numbers on the next lottery drawing, just because he can. Satan then drove Vince home, patted him on the head, and said his farewells.

After this event, all of Vince’s troubles disappeared. Vince, who’d continually asked his father to let him train to be a wrestler & received nothing but rejections (“For Christ Sakes’ boy, you make Greg Gagne look like Sammartino!” was a cry often heard in the McMahon household) took over the WWF after a few months. Overwhelmed by his new found success, the days became weeks, weeks became years, and years… well, they stayed years for the most part. Vince took a wife, and the genetic jackhammer pumped out a few children. While business was good – he was drawing sizable crowds, and doing no worse than any other territory, Vince waited in the background, waiting for the second part of his deal, knowing the best has yet to come.

Bret Hart walked back to his car after another show, he saw a well kept man before him, leaning on his car. Bret didn’t appreciate this much, however, the man spoke up before he could say anything. “Quite a nice performance out there today, guy.” Bret casually thanked the man for the words, and began to get in his car. He then piped up again. “I’m not some simple fan who came here to give you congratulations – I’m a little more important.” Bret starred at him, and the man smiled. “Vince McMahon Jr. and I’ve got an offer for you.”

The years passed, and Satan smiled. Over the course of time, seeing that Vince needed a little more aid, he sent some of his minions to aid him in his quest. (You might know them as Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, and Randy Savage) However, no matter how cheesed off his demons got – they were often malnourished, and would go on sabbaticals to Central America to devour some souls – Vince’s empire was chugging along, with Bret as the work horse. Infact, things were humming along so nicely, that the thought of his repayment to Satan was continually getting pushed into the back of his mind…

Then, the day came. September 10th, 1997. 15 years had passed, and Satan returned to Vince’s hotel room doorstep, looking for his debt. It was a rainy day, but this did not affect The Dark Lord. A deal was a deal, even if he had to risk ruining his new shoes. Satan, of course, arrived in style – sleek black sport’s car, pinstripe suit, slick backed hair, with the only oddity being his Care-Bears umbrella he used in the rain. Never the less, he knocked on the suite.

And when Vince saw The Beast, he immediately began to itch. Things were going so great with the WWF! He had tapped into a highly profitable demographic, and the company was in a whole new era! Life had begun again, and his was just about to be finished? Quickly, Vince ran through his options.

“Listen… I know I said I’d give you MY soul…” peeped Vince.
“You cannot break a deal signed by blood, Vincent.” Satan retorted.
“Take Shane! He’ll do!” squirmed Vince.
“No.”
“Stephanie, she at least counts for two!”
“Be that as it may, it is your soul I crave.”
The Beast Master opened his jacket, and Vince was able to briefly peer into, what he believed, was the depths of hell. Hell, fire, and brimstone were all around, and he heard a familiar voice. “Help me son, this pain is horrible, help me!” Vince was startled – Satan had his father’s soul. He then heard the wails of Men on a Mission, with their own rendition of Stairway to Heaven. “My god… Mabel, Oscar, and Mo too?” The Beast laughed… “No no, that’s just part of the torture.” Vince squealed... his bleak future overcame him.
“ALL MY FAMILY! AND MY MONEY! STOCK OPTIONS! 11TH ROW TICKETS TO SURVIVOR SERIES! ANYTHING!” Vince begged.
“You know the answer, McMahon.”
“Listen… tomorrow night, I’ve got a Pay-Per-View event, you’re welcome to join, and I’d just like to be able to see that off.”
“I’m an understanding man.”
Vince began to sheepishly smile.
“I shall give you until tomorrow evening to get you affairs in order, but then, it will be time.”

Now, one would normally assume that our tale ends here, but one must not underestimate the genius of Vince McMahon. Surely the future looked bleak, but Vince had taken notice of some fine details, details that may be able to save him form eternal damnation. A lesser man would have succumbed to the inevitable, but as history has taught us, Vince McMahon is no ordinary man. He stepped into his office and got to work.

The Devil awoke the next morning in the Montreal Regional Holiday Inn. He could have stayed in Vince’s hotel, however, Satan had stayed in Holiday Inns before and quite enjoyed the quality & style of there rooms & spectacular service. He often described their honey-nut spice cake as an “unholy union of delight”, not to mention the double frequent flyer miles he got from here. He left the hotel, and did a little shopping around the city. He just loved those quaint boutiques!

Evening came, and Satan plopped down in his seat in the Molson Centre. The Beast of Beasts groaned that he somehow ended up sitting next to a large herd of noisy, revolting, and obese teenagers. Thanks McMahon, he thought. The evening wore on, and Satan was getting bored – he was a busy man after all. He had a hard time grasping why people would pay good money to sit with a group of neanderthals, swilling beer about – that was, until he saw a man by the name of Ahmed Johnson – YOWZA, WHAT A STUD! Anyways, the main event came, and Satan chuckled a little. How fitting would it be that tonight, of all nights, Bret Hart was wrestling the main event? Satan paid closer attention for the next 15 minutes, for he thoroughly enjoyed Bret’s work. His opponent, a guy by the name of Shawn Michaels, would make a fine addition to the seventh circle of hell in a good 50 years. Vince looked on from ringside, looking nervous as could be – surely because the anti-Christ was 6 rows back.

Then… it happened. Shawn Michaels had reversed a complicated submission maneuver; Vince stood up, and ordered the bell to be rung despite Bret being set to retain his title. This upset many people – no more so than Satan. It was the most triumphant screw job Satan had ever seen, and he’d been around for the whole Jesus/Judas thing. The crowd hated this, they were not forgiving this pure act of evil, it was like Vince had... become… Satan… himself.

Then… Satan realized he’d been out done. See, the key to his omnipotence was the belief of his power. To deny his identity or existence is to render him powerless. That night, Vince took advantage of this little loophole, and did something even Satan could not have dreamed of: the purest act of evil. In the eyes of the public, Satan existed alright – and he was in the form of Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

The Beast quietly walked backstage, and stared down McMahon. The world had more hatred for McMahon than anything in the world that day, and it was clear. The horns from The Beast’s head had disappeared, and small lumps were forming on Vince McMahon’s cranium. With that, Satan handed over his triton to his superior, and wordlessly walked out the door.

What happened to Vince after these events, any one can quip off a few accomplishments on his résumé. From wrestling mogul, to first man on Venus, and president of the Galaxy, he has quite the story. The Demon Formally Known As Satan, on the other hand, is a different story. Rumours have flown across the world that he faded away into the border of The United States of America & The United States of Mexico, selling gum to tourists. However, the truth is far more frightful than that… it seems that Vince, in his new ways, placed Satan as a chat monitor on WWE.com, where 18 times a day he heard varying sides to the argument of who was the best world champion ever: “The Boogeyman or Orlando Jordan”. He died miserable and insane.

And that’s the story I was told as a youngin’. If you’ve got any more time, I’ll be glad to recite to you the tale of “Matt Hardy & The Little Sex Change That Could.”

White Vans And Candy: (09/12/05) by James Walker

It seems nowadays that the WWE is getting bored. With the lack of real competition, they’ve been stuck twiddlin’ their thumbs on other ventures: for concentrating on their wrestling programs is, like, totally lame, Crystal!!! In the past, their ventures have been relatively harmless, suck as the XFL. (I know, there’s a typo in there. I didn’t mean to put it in there as a pun, it honestly just came out – and I like it so much, I’m keeping it.) However, as any husband of a hooker will say, experience has taught them and they’ve moved on to different ventures. See, the WWE is channeling the spirit of the McDonalds Coffee Lady, suing people left and right for every reason & gaining their names, personas, ring attires, and probably their next of kin. And from my sources on the inside, I’ve discovered who’s next on the WWE chopping block…

Folks, WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENT: A LEGAL ACTION NAMED SUE

Cease and Asta La Vista

Remember Arnold Schwarzenegger little cameo a few years back on Smackdown? You know, where he TOTALLY wasn’t there to pimp HIS ULTRA MEGA BLOCKBUSTER SMASH: END OF DAYS? Where he became the first and only man ever to get the better of Triple H and never inevitably lose his heat? When he got the COMPLETELY LEGIT undisputed world box office champion? WHEN TRIPLE H GOT ANGRY THAT SOMEONE GOT A BELT HANDED OVER TO THEM?!!

..

Sorry, I’m laughing at the irony still.

Anyways, Vince feels as if this one-time appearance on his TV screens is suitable cause for him to own Arnie’s soul for the rest of the life. Expect by mid 2006, for Vince to own California and the rights to make another Blade Runner movie, starring Carlito. (MORE/REDO?)

I Have a Dream… and that’s complete monopolization of the market.

Every January, The WWE reminds us it loves black people by popping up a graphic of one of the most influential men in the last century. I won’t go into a grade 10 essay about the fella, but Martin Luther King Jr was a pioneer for anti-racism, and Vince McMahon is a pioneer for.. umm… anti-not-being-a-jackass? However, it should come to little shock now that the WWE feels as if their service to the man warrants them full control over his legacy.

And boy, they’ve moved in quickly. Martin Luther King Jr. Day will now be called “AIN'T NO STOPPIN ACCEPTANCE NOAAAAW!!!” Day, The MLK Library will now hold 100000 copies of “Koko B.Ware: The 3 Page Autobiography”, and the million man march will be spearheaded by Virgil, and he’ll lead them into their local cable provider, to order the next 67 Pay-Per-Views.

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (please?)

Ahh, Chris Masters: The IWC’s new favourite whipping boy. Frankly, I think we’re all just jealous… I mean, what red blooded man wouldn’t want to be drooled over by a wrestling announcing team? Anywho, his patented submission finisher, The Masterlock, has received quite a strong push – strong enough to warrant full copyright names.

So, the little lock company who ensures that your porn collection is never discovered by your mother is now a legal property of the WWE. Rather than abolish the division, the WWE is taking the high road, and giving their new venture a Masterful Push. For instance, all cage matches will now proudly advertise it’s locking mechanism! YAY LOCKS.

However, the biggest asset will be the gain of Chris Masters, himself. The WWE feels in order to get the Masterlock truly over; it has to be seen as impossible to get out of by more than just wrestlers. Vignettes are currently being taped, where Chris Masters applies his Full Nelson on a bike, and protects it from villains! As an ultimate show of durability, Chris Masters was shot while holding on to a chair link fence.

He was 22 years old.

Egoism VS Gigantism: ROUND ONE, FIGHT.

The largest wrestler of all time has also become one of the largest controversies today. After years of wrestling for the (W)WWF, there has been a retro-active case filed. It appears there was a file signed in 1984, saying when Andre Roussimoff died; The McMahon Family would own Andre’s cremated remains. However, through a simple clerical error, this was never filed, until now. The WWE was awarded the case, hands down, when Andre failed to appear at court despite his subpoena.

Now… this is a tricky case. See, Andre’s ashes are now scattered on his Andre’s former North Carolina ranch – and the WWE has felt it fit that they now own the ranch. However, this happened 12 years ago, and who knows how far wind & other methods have transported the remains of The Giant? Well, to be sure, the WWE now owns North Carolina, and gave it to Ric Flair as a bonus.

North Carolina really IS Flair country, now.

The 60 Year Black Man Challenge

Maaaaan, was this guy a success story or what? 3 months of White Boy Challenges, all to get squashed by Goldberg, then fall off the face of the earth. Honestly, there’s very little more backstory to him. It’s that depressing.

However, the WWE feels there is severe marketability in “The Dude That Goldberg Destroyed”. (They’re currently looking into the rights to Jerry Flynn, as well) However, the WWE has stepped up their game here – they do not simply own the rights to Rodney Mac’s name, moves, music, persona (What? He had one, honestly!) and such… they actually physically own Rodney Mac. It seems there really wasn’t a case for it, but the fella didn’t have enough cash to hire a lawyer, so he is actually property of the WWE. While people have been secretive on to what he’s actually DOING, sources say he’s either Johnny Ace’s coat rack or he chews food for J.R.

Sting: “At least they’ve stayed off the Hip-Toss”

Years have passed in wrestling, and one of it’s staple wrestling moves has stood the test of time. Despite the fact that it’s just a guy doing a shitty somersault, it’s remained common place n just about every match… and the WWE feels as if the time has come for them to has exclusive rights to the ever dangerous ARM DRAG.

What this means, is any indy, Japan, ROH, TNA event are banned form the using the move. This is horrible news for spot monkeys, now they have no way of beginning the first 3 minutes of their matches.

As for the WWE, they’ve assigned a special task force to ensure the strict enforcement of the law. Folks, I present Scotty 2 Hotty & Ricky Steamboat: Arm Drag Defense (A.D.D., for short). Their slogan? “HEY LETS GO RIDE BIKES.”

Somewhere … over the litigation…

For years, the WWE has broadcasted their wrestling events all across the world, reaching colour TVs across the world – and they feel that after 20+ years of this, they’ve more than earned the right to call colour theirs. That’s right: the WWE owns every visible colour. The WWE lawyers are THAT good.

What does this mean? Well, keep your eyes closed – for if the WWE catches you admiring a painting, a flower, or jelly beans, you’ve got to pay some hefty royalties – likely somewhere in the range of $150,000. (Hey, that’s how much a photo of SPIKE DUDLEY is worth.) So basically, keep your eyes closed, and hope to develop some sort of Daredevil/Riddick/Absinthe-influenced supernatural power.

However, there IS hope, and that hope lies in the colour blind. These Black and White Warriors are now on the front battle lines, getting confused in games of laser tag and wearing hideously clashing clothing; FOR YOUR FREEDOM ~!

(Ok. You’ve got me. That really had nothing to do with wrestling, more so making fun of people with disabilities. So if you have any complaints, just hit the red link.)

So there you have it, kids. It’s frightening on how much clout the WWE lawyers seem to have. Frankly, don’t hold your breath on it stopping; you’d be best to get all you can, for I fully expect that come 2009, we’re going to have to dish out 35 dollars a month for oxygen.

White Vans And Candy: (09/05/05) by James Walker

I sit here in reclusion of the wrestling world. If any of you kids don’t know from our marvelous forums, I’m currently in the grand process of moving. … Hold on, wait, I don’t I mentioned that there. Sooo… umm… I’m making a great introduction here, aren’t I? Anyways, I have no internet access for the time being. This will solve itself eventually; however, it leaves me with a burning desire in my loins for WRESTLING RUMOURS. I need to know if Bradshaw has been manhandling Johnny Nitro! Has John Cena missed another house show! Where are my Neilsen Ratings Reports? GOOD GAWD I’M DYING OVER HERE.

So, to ease this, I’m writing my own wrestling headlines.

WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENT: DELUSIONAL DIRTSHEETS.

Jim Cornette Goes On A Mad Rampage In Titan Towers, 7 Dead

The former head of OVW Operations, Jim Cornette, recently went on a murderous free-for-all in Stamford, Connecticut. The former disgruntled worker seemed to hold a heavy grudge against those who stood in his way, and caused his release. Shane McMahon, one of the men who was shot & killed on sight, recently made some disparaging remarks about Mr.Cornette. When the Mr.Cornette returned from a forced vacation to ease his tension, Shane McMahon was overheard saying “Jeez, we send you on a vacation, and you come back whiter than ever!”. Jim Cornette is still currently avoiding police, as it is believed he left the premises in search of Kevin ‘Mordecai’ Fertig – who is believed to be homeless -, claiming “None of this would have happened if that bastard had gotten over”. The police are asking for your help in this case, but the suspected is to be considered armed and very willing to hit you with his tennis racket.

Randy Orton Suffers Injury, Out 8 Months

At a house show in Poughkeepsie, New York, Randy Orton received a very serious injury in a match against local ‘Legend’, “Honkin’ Jim” from 97.7 WKRV – a local broadcaster. From accounts from fans in attendance, Randy applied a chinlock for so long that his elbow seized into position. The injury, knows as remember-when-you-were-a-kid-and-your-mother-told-you-not-to-make-faces-because-they-would-stay-like-that-forever-?-well-it-can-happen-to-your-elbow-too-itis, is being inspected by Dr.Jim Andrews in Birmingham, but surgery will be needed and we expect Ol’ Glass Man Orton to return in time to lose to The Undertaker at Wrestlemania again.

Scott Hall signs a new 3 year deal with WWE

In a move that has come out of nowhere, Scott Hall has been signed by the WWE in a multi-year deal. Terms have not been disclosed. Scott had the following to say, in a phone interview on WWE Byte This:

“Heeeeeeeeeeey… YO. I’m baaaaack, babeeee. Isss jus… y’know? Vince & huntah we’re all like… Scott, we’re bored… so I walk up to them… I pulled my pants up.. ‘nd said… “Brother… I've gots a case of the flyin’ turtles.. and the cuuuure!... WHISKEY.”.SO THEN!!! Vince said… “Scott… thass wasjus’ THE BEST… PROMO… I ‘AVE EVER… INVITED TO A PRIVATE HOTEL ROOM…” They hired me on th’ spoht.”

Matt Hardy Re-Released

The dramatic Matt Hardy-Lita-Edge tale continues this week, as WWE.com is now reporting that Matt Hardy has been released again. The following is a quote from the official website.

“Matt Hardy has been released from World Wrestling Entertainment. I know, you’ve heard this before. But this time we mean it. The WWE wishes Matt Hardy the best of luck in seducing his underage & overweight fan base.”

Rumours persist that Matt has been fired, this time, because the WWE realized that no matter how great & real the story is between two wrestlers, it doesn’t matter at all once the face has been legitimately & cleanly beaten down, week in and week out. Rumour has it that Matt will return to Ring Of Honor, where he will be eaten alive.

Dusty Rhodes named General Manager of Smackdown

As was seen on last night’s airing of Smackdown, Dusty Rhodes has been named the General Manager in replace of Theodore Long, who has been fired for not sitting at the back of the bus. Many are calling his ‘Tailgate Office’ a rip-off of his TNA ‘Director Of Authority’ character, however, Dusty refuted those claims. Well, we think he did, we couldn’t quite understand him. Whatever the case, we can expect Goldust to return to our TVs shortly, and a tag title push for Phi Delta Slam.

Spike TV Bankrupt, no TV deal for TNA

News has developed this evening that Spike TV, who’s parent company is Viacom, has shut down business. The TV network, who’s lackluster programming has not gained popularity among their male target audience, has issued the following statement.

“We’ve been barely clawing along since renaming ourselves. Our decision not to renew Monday Night Raw, and other weekend programming, has apparently been a bad decision – who’d have thought that canceling your one show that draws is wrong? We thought that quality programming such as MXE, American Gladiator Re-runs, Star Trek Marathons, and Slam Ball were sure fire hits… but apparently they weren’t. Oh well.”

This is horrific news for TNA, for they are now left, once again, without a TV deal. The plan now, to boost morale in the locker room, is for Jeff Jarrett to get the title back, and then promptly walk in to the offices of WGN and get on his hands and knees to beg for forgiveness.

WWE Experience Cancelled

In a move that shocked millions, Linda McMahon issued a press release stating that the regular Saturday morning ‘magazine’ style show has been cancelled. The move shocked everyone, not because it was doing well, but because nobody knew it existed. The remaining 120 viewers of the program have apparently decided to further decorate their padded cells in their newly allotted free time.

Triple H returns on Raw, wins WWE Championship

As many of you witnessed, last Monday night saw the return of Triple H. More importantly, he soundly defeated John Cena in 4 minutes for the WWE Championship. Word backstage is that Triple H thinks Cena is far better off ‘chasing’ the belt, not ‘being chased’. Many doubt this, as house show reports from Tuesday night saw a 70% decrease in John Cena merchandise, just narrowly being more popular than Rob Conway endorsed mesh underwear. Rumour has it that Triple H will not feud with Cena, but with a returning Scott Hall.

There you have it kids. I feel relieved that I have now had my fix of wrestling headlines. And, you know, by the time you read this, I will have already caught up to date… but I swear, if any of these turn out to be true, I’m going protest by not masturbating to ANY women’s matches for the next WEEK. That’ll show them!

August 01, 2005
August 08, 2005
August 15, 2005
August 22, 2005
August 29, 2005

White Vans And Candy: (08/29/05) by James Walker

Wrestlers come and go. They’re on our TV for a few years, then they drug themselves up/murder their girlfriends/disrespect the entire business, and they’re gone. Gone from the TV, but not our hearts. What happens to our favourite useless jobber after he’s fired? Did The Berzerker go back to raping and pillaging villages in the Arctic Circle? Did Rico go back to being the cop in the village people? No one will ever know… but, I can hypothesize! And bullshit!

This folks… is JAMES WALKER’S WHITE VANS & CANDY PRESENTS: Where are they now? ... III!

Muffy

Not ringing a bell? Well, shows how much attention you paid to Stephanie McMahon's every move for the last 5 years. (By the way, Steph, if you're reading this, you better show up at the hearing where I'll finally get rid of that restraining order you have against me) During the 'McMahon-Helmsley' era that propelled the careers of... Triple H... and... umm... Tazz?... it was decided that a new female annoyance was needed. Enter Muffy! Channeling the spirit of Sunny, (I could have made a Candido joke there, but I held back! I'm respectful~!) Muffy told us we were all fat and such. Now.. what made this so great, was the fact that she was the on-air 'trainer' for Stephalicious. Soooo... after a few people realised that this implied Stephy was a big ol' blubbery sack of grease, Muffy was let go & never heard of again.

UNTIL NOW!

Muffy is 'coming' back and in a big way! With a name like 'Muffy', it was truly inevitable that the porn industry would come calling. The girl is still able to tie her WWF persona into the films, as she's seen teaching the finer arts of the Clean & Jerk, Squat Thrusts, and DVDA. (Look for the latter to be a head lining Olympic events in 2008) However, this writer is a little confused. If she had been willing to do half the stuff she's doing now, back in her WWF days, maybe she wouldn't have gotten canned; I'm sure Stephanie wouldn't have let Muffy go if she had played with her balls.

(Ok, it's official. White Vans & Candy has sunk to a brand new low - I implied Stephanie McMahon has balls. Well, I guess it takes a lot of cohones to think that Katie Vick was a good idea, but come on.)

D'lo Brown

This guy was pegged to become a WWF Champ. Hell, after runs as European and Intercontinental champion, it seemed like a given. He was rising the ranks with the likes of The Rock & Triple H... until he kinda, sorta, accidentally broke the neck of Droz on a house show. Whoopsie-daisy. After a few pathetic attempts at jumps starting his career (need I mention D'Lo, Mosh, & Tiger Ali Singh: 'Lo Down?) he was thrown aside, where even TNA didn't want to use him. So what's became of our fallen former fat man?

From all accounts, D'Lo has returned to his former career. Yes, our subject is now ... an Evil Accountant. Remember that accounting degree JR would talk about during his matches, and how unimportant it seemed? Well, little did we know that JR was secretly warning us of the inevitable DOOM awaiting every April, when TAX MAN BROWN frog splashes through your ceiling and repossess your cat! His chest protector has saved his life many times from vengeful bankrupt civilians. He takes no prisoners, and is quite pleased to lay down the law to get his message across. His favourite targets are the wealthy - their outstanding balances are truly 'Sky High'.

Oh, he's also fat again.

Sean Mooney

Ok. I could be stereotypical James here, and have my one "ha ha, I'm not even going to honour this 'inductee' by writing an actual write up for him, and leaving a quick one-liner about had pathetic this guy was" entry... so I will.

Demolition

Rip-off tag team wrestling AT IT'S FINEST. The WWF couldn't get the Road Warriors, so let's have a thrift store variation of em! If you didn't follow wrestling during their run with he company, just imagine aging, talentless, balding, (HOGAN?) and face-painted (WARRIOR?) men in S&M costumes. (HOGAN & WARRIOR?) Anywho, one of the guys retired, one guy I don't care about, and one guy later become Repo Man, among many other things. Thumbs up.

However, the men from Demolition have reformed - outside of the wrestling business. Their new profession is quite the sight to see.. or should I say, sound to hear? Have you ever seen Demolition & The Three Tenors in the same place? After years of double lives, the truth has finally come out: the members of Demolition are the most successful opera trio of all time. Touring Europe currently, their rich & tender voices warm the hearts of the people, giving rise to people crooning their beautiful sonne tin the streets!

Here comes Axolio!

Here comes Smashalopoli!

El Demolishiono, walking disastre!

Pain et Destructio is nos middle holy name!

It brings a tear to my eye.

Glacier

Brrr! Only Glacier could kill crowd heat like this! If you thought the hype for Mordecai was too much & didn't pay off, you obviously didn't pay attention to WCW in 1997. "Blood Runs Cold" was all over our TVs, and after a few months of Cyronic Kicks & dead crowds, we were all thinking "Fans Run to the Bathroom". The thing that makes me giggle about this guy is he was the first in a series of "Mortal Kombat"-like characters designed by Eric Bischoff. No joke, EZE actually wanted a stable of full of Judo Choppin' badasses. While the stable never happened, people like Ernest Miller & Kaz Hayashi were parts of the plan. Anywho, after being injured by Goldberg (Of all people!) & more failed attempts at a career and/or life, he melted away from our TVs.

So where has this giant wandering blob of Ice floated to? Well, our good buddy here decided to take the whole 'cold' thing a little further, and has become a sherpa. Yes, an honest to god, Mr.Everest climbing, load baring, parka wearing, sherpa. We're told that his 'Ice Pick' comes in quite handy when coming in to contact with fearful Yeti's. Infact, he recently came back from an expedition where he lifted a man to the peak of the tallest mountain in the world - it was the first itme Glacier ever carried a man to a decent showing.

Nicole Bass

The only woman on the planet who made Chyna seem feminine. All I remember from this beast was she was fixated on Val Venis, and I think all I remember after that was Val's career plummeting. Aaaanywho, the biggest noise she ever made (somehow, I don't want to think about that) with the company was after she was released. See, Miss Bass sued Vince & The Gang for sexual harassment. Now... with a locker room with the likes of Bob Holly, Bradshaw, & Edge, I can see her case. However, it would have been FAR more convincing is she wasn't crazy. Oh, and something to do witht he fact that SHE IS MANLIER THAN I.

So what has America's Sweetheart been up to? Believe it or not, Nicole has landed the dream job - she is now a deity. Apparently Norse Gods saw her as a perfect heir to the throne of thunder, and by god (pun intended), Nicole Bass is THOR. Don't believe me? Check this picture out!

Woooo-eee! She can cause thunder in my bed whenever she wants!

Big Bossman

I think I heard he was last seen in his famed "Blues Brothers" car towing away The Cross of Christ.

And so completes another fine list of Where Are They Now! I feel as if I'm doing a great service for the world, making sure people keep tabs on their heroes from yesterday.

... what? Sean Mooney isn't your hero? What are you, GAY?

Send feedback to James Walker

White Vans And Candy: (08/22/05) by James Walker

Say what you will about WWE programming, but one thing the WWE has always been successful at is video games. WWF Royal Rumble was so damn cool back in the day, I rocked it hard & often. (Such was the case with many other topics, but I digress) Hell, in my first TWF column, I pointed to WWF Warzone as a key reason for my love of the wrestling business. To this day, I along with many others, tout WWF No Mercy as the greatest wrestling game to date. Personally, 90% of the video games I buy are wrestling games – they’re just so damn entertaining. So, with my love of this form of entertainment, I did a little research on the topic. I went back to the beginnings of it all, and what I found shocked me – I stumbled upon the VERY FIRST WRESTLING GAME EVER. WWF produced, it was a text based game for Commodore 64s… and I got it. Below is my transcription of the events, in the WHITE VANS & CANDY PRESENTS: UNKNOWN WRESTLING VIDEO GAMES

You find yourself in the ring. Across from you is Hulk Hogan.

>Shake hands with Hulk Hogan

You extend your hand to Hulk Hogan, he holds it.

>Pull Hogan in for a short arm clothesline

You pull Hulk Hogan in for a short arm clothesline. He goes down.

>Climb the top rope

You climb the top rope. Hulk Hogan is starting to get up.

>Do a Dragoncarana

Rey Misterio Jr. isn’t born yet.

>Do a Moonsault

Great Muta hasn’t learned how to drive yet.

>Do an Ax-Handle Smash

You wasted too much time thinking about moves that aren’t invented yet. Hulk Hogan gets up and throws you to the mat.

>Get up

Hulk Hogan can’t look bad, you stay down.

>Get up, damn it.

Swearing won’t get you anywhere, buddy.

>Fucking hell.

That’s it. Hulk Hogan just kicked you in the nuts for that.

>Hulk up

You’re not Hulk Hogan. Oh, he just landed a leg drop on you. You’re dead. He pins you, you lose.

Restart? (Y/N)

You find yourself in the ring. Across from you is Hulk Hogan.

>Call cronies to the ring

Your cronies run to the ring. They’re hated foreigners, so they fail to harm Hulk Hogan in the slightest. However, you get up.

>Attack Hogan

You attack Hogan. He is unphased.

>Run to the outside.

You run to the outside. Hulk Hogan is right behind you.

>Find weapon

You find a random lead pipe.

>Hit Hogan with pipe.

You haven’t gotten the pipe yet.

>help: getting items

Just because you have FOUND an item, doesn’t mean you have GOTTEN it. You must explicitly say “get item” in order to be able to use it.

>Get lead pipe

You get the lead pipe.

>Hit Hogan with pipe

You dumbass. You took too long getting the pipe, Hulk Hogan went into the ring and the referee’s count is now at 8.

>Get in the ring

You get in the ring.

>Cause ref bump

Hogan charges at you, you push the referee in your way. The referee is down.

>Hit Hogan with lead pipe

You hit Hulk Hogan with the lead pipe. It is a brutal shot, and blood is spilt. The crowd is in disbelief.

>Pin Hogan

You cover Hulk Hogan. The referee mysteriously awakens, and counts. 1,2, kick out.

>WHAT?

He’s Hulk Hogan, man. Come on. He’s hulking up.

>Attack Hogan

No effect. Hulk Hogan is waving his finger in your face.

>Run the ropes

You run the ropes. Hulk Hogan boots you down. Leg Drop. You’re dead. He pins you, you lose.

Restart (Y/N)

You find yourself in the ring. Across from you is Hulk Hogan.

>help: finishers

To perform a finisher, simply type in the name of your finisher.

>help: discovering finishers

To discover what your finisher is, you must first perform it.

>help: how to escape a paradox

Impossible

>Shoot Hogan

You don’t have a gun. Hulk continues to build momentum.

>Shoot ON Hogan

You legitimately deck Hulk Hogan. He is out cold.

>Pin Hogan

The referee refuses to count the pinfall, since he knows you were shooting.

>Attack referee

You attack the referee. He goes down. Road agents are rushing to the ring

>Attack road agents

You attack the road agents, but there are too many of them. You are carried out of the arena, fired, and blackballed from the business.

Restart? (Y/N)

You find yourself in the ring. Across from you is Hulk Hogan

>query: Who am I?

You are the Ultimate Warrior

>query: Am I sane?

The Ultimate Warrior has never been sane.

>query: Do the fans believe I’m sane

A few

>Shake Ropes

You Shake the ropes. You are getting rallied up.

>Cut an indecipherable promo

You cut an indecipherable promo. You talk about Conservatism, Force-Fields, and Thor. Somehow this gets you over.

>Legally change name to Warrior

You legally change your name to Warrior. You’re odd.

>Grapple Hogan

You grapple Hulk Hogan. You have advantage.

>Perform a Gorilla Press Slam

You perform a Gorilla Press Slam. Hulk Hogan is dazed.

>Run the Ropes

You run the ropes. Hulk Hogan is still dazed.

>Perform a flying splash.

You perform a flying splash. You cover, 3 count.

>CELEBRATE!

You celebrate for you are now the WWF Champion. However, you fail as champion and the title is put back on Hogan eventually. Way to go, slugger.

Restart (Y/N)

You find yourself in the ring. Across from you is Hulk Hogan.

>help: how to win

To win you must make the world a better place.

>Change Identity: Movie Producer

You are now a movie producer

>Offer Hogan a movie career

You offer Hulk Hogan a movie career. He accepts, and forfeits the title, and leaves the business. Bret Hart becomes champion. EVERYONE WINS!

Restart? (Y/N)

There you have it folks. WWF’s first video game, in all it’s glory. The title never really did well in the market, but the WWE apparently is tossing around bringing

the series back, and when they do, you can be sure I’ll be here covering it all. (If that’s not foreshadowing, I don’t know what is.)

I’m out, kids.

White Vans And Candy: (08/15/05) by James Walker

With Vince McMahon’s brief blurb on Raw a couple of weeks back, I got thinking. Over time, there have been 600+ episodes of raw, and coming up on 300+ episodes of Smackdown, not to mention hundreds on pay per views, Sunday Night Heat, Velocity, Shotgun Saturday Night, Superstars, Tuesday Night Titans, Metal, Saturday Night Main Events, Experience, Confidential, Livewire, Afterburn, and probably a few dozen or so more. Now… That left me with only one question.

When has the WWE jumped the shark?

For all you kids who aren’t massive losers and don’t scour the internet and television all day looking for entertainment, I’ll let my good buddy wikipedia.com explain it for you.

Jumping the shark is a metaphor used by US television critics since the 1990s. The phrase, popularized by Jon Hein on his web site www.jumptheshark.com, is used to describe the moment when a television show or similar episodic medium is in retrospect judged to have passed its "peak" and shows a noticeable decline in quality. Most "jump the shark" moments follow a noticeable change in the show, such as a main cast member leaving or a change in setting, which are subsequently quoted as the marker point signifying when the show's decline started. Frequently "jump the shark" is used to describe a series that has undergone drastic changes as a result of a ratings decline that has already occurred, especially when the changes do little to halt or reverse this decline. Hein also uses the "jumping the shark" concept to describe other areas of pop culture, such as music and celebrities, for whom a drastic change was the beginning of the end.

The phrase refers to a scene in a three-part episode of the American television series Happy Days first broadcast on September 20, 1977. In the "Hollywood" episode, Fonzie — wearing swim trunks and his trademark leather jacket — jumps over a tank containing a shark while on water skis.

So when did McMahonagment jump the shark? We’ll find out with WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENT: FLYING CROSSBODY OVER THE SHARK!

The Little Wedding That Could (drive away your fan base)

Oh how ignorant we were. Little did we know that when HHH played that titantron video of him getting Stephanie drugged, and doing a drive-thru wedding, much to the dismay of former Fiancée Test & father Vince, that a new era had just begun. A month later, Stephanie turned heel, Test was dropped from the equation altogether, and we had non-sensical plots running wild, bruther.

However, it’s just about impossible to say the WWE jumped the shark here. Sure, a lot of hardcore fans HATED this. Remember how Big Show PROVED he won the Royal Rumble… so he had to fight The Rock, who at the time had been proclaimed the winner, at the pay per view before Wrestlemania to ‘earn’ his spot? That got shit on by the entire IWC… but, unfortunately for them, one piece of the puzzle was about to be added that would make them virtually meaningless.

Kurt Angle.

Rookie Kurt Angle was quickly becoming an instant success in the WWE, quickly capturing the European and Intercontinental titles. His cocky and goofy demeanor was a big heat draw, and eventually, he met up with young Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. The two would flirt insatiably, and even shared a kiss on night. Stephanie was torn between her husband and the Olympic hero… this love triangle was doing DAMN good business at drawing in the common fan, especially women – a market they’d never been able to peg down.

Unfortunately, the WWE fucked the dog on this one, and instead of having Steph eventually side with Kurt, Triple H would squash Angle, and Stephanie would kick Kurt in the nuts. However, as for jumping the shark, this angle cannot be seen as such.

Sharks Jumped: 2

Owen Dies

Over the Edge, 1999. ‘The Higher Power’ angle is in full swing. Billy Gunn & Road Dogg split up for the first time. The Corporate Ministry battles The Union. Rock & HHH battle in an upper-midcard feud that would propel them further into the main event. Val Venis and Nicole Bass are in the midst of an uncomfortable relationship. Owen Hart, as the Blue Blazer, repels from the rafters, only for the harness clasp to give out, and fall to his death.

I can’t joke about this topic, so I’ll just give the facts. The WWE never showed any of this on TV (Owen fell as they were playing a hype video) and this was the first time we saw JR and King use their ‘serious’ tone. After that moment, the entire mood of the PPV had turned sour, and when JR announced that Owen had died, I don’t think anyone cared about the rest of the PPV.

However, did this affect wrestling beyond personal grief? I can’t say it did. This moment here was by far the most ‘real’ moment in wrestling to date, but it did nothing to stray viewers away, or bring them in. It was a horrible event, but to claim that the WWE jumped the shark HERE is just ruthless and ridiculous.

Sharks Jumped: 0

Lance “Mr. WCW” Storm?

Spring, 2001. The war between WWF (at the time) and WCW is over – Vince McMahon, days before Wrestlemania 17, buys out WCW assets much to the shock of the entire wrestling business. The thoughts of sadness are quickly over taken by the sudden possibility of the mother of all feuds… fuck Vince/Austin, Sting/Flair, Hogan/Piper… this is god damn WWF VS WCW. Goldberg, Hogan, Sting, Hall, Nash, Steiner VS Austin, Rock, HHH, Undertaker, Angle! This is going to be gold! Who will come first?

LANCE. STORM.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m as big of a Lance Storm mark you’ll probably ever meet. I cheered the fuck out of him when he invaded Raw, superkicked Perry Saturn into oblivion in Calgary, and left to huge cheers. But… I know, deep down, that this was fucking awful.

Let’s go beyond the fact that Lance Storm, in no way, personified WCW. Let’s look past the idea that you start off the potential biggest feud ever… with two mid carders that aren’t over. Let’s look at the simple truth, which after this happened, we all sighed.

Many people can point to here as the moment, when they realized that the wrestling business isn’t as it should be. Casual fans don’t care that it’s expensive to buy out contract… all they care about is the fact that they want to see Goldberg spear Austin. This WCW purchase went beyond the IWC – every casual fan knew about it. … And to see that THIS is the first ‘invader’ went beyond pissing off the IWC. It pissed off everyone.

This is a key player in jumping the shark. The definitive one? Doubtful. However, it’s moments like these that led up to the inevitable.

Sharks Jumped: 7

Only one animal was harmed in the making of this commercial

For all the shit the WWE gets, no one can ever seem to bitch about the production videos. Hype videos are always top notch, and can really make a feud seem a lot better than it actually is. Once in a while, this awesomeness rubs off to WWE commercials… for instance; the Wrestlemania 21 ‘Goes Hollywood’ is a prime example. However, for Summerslam 2003, the WWE out did itself… Brock Lesnar F5ed a Shark.

Ever since the phrase was coined, TV shows have a history of tossing in obvious ‘shark jump’ moments for shits & giggles. Once again, good buddy Wikipedia comes into play.

That '70s Show had an episode where Fez imagines jumping over a shark, thinking how cool it would be to be the Fonz, then commenting on how he never really watched the show after that episode.

The X-Files episode "Jump the Shark" in the last season (season 9)       concluded the roles of The Lone Gunmen in the series. MADtv once had a skit in which the infamous "jump the shark" episode was partially redone in "Spanish", featuring dialogue such as Laverne saying "Aww,             Shirl, Fonzie es jumpo el sharko!".

And it’s just pure speculation on my part, but… for fuck’s sake here people. I don’t know how much I have to explain it.

However, this the WWE ‘actually’ jump the shark here? Hell no. This just made me laugh.

Sharks Jumped: 1. (for obvious reasons)

The Million Dollar Hug

The Invasion is over. Ric Flair has been removed from his fake position of power, and Vince McMahon, once again, ‘owns’ 100% of the company. A roster split has been implemented, where there are two separate rosters, one for Raw and another for Smackdown. Vince McMahon decides to have two ‘general managers’ run the shows, with him over seeing both. The speculation as to who will be running the shows is rampant... Shane McMahon? Mick Foley? Paul Heyman? Stephanie McMahon? Shawn Michaels? Jim Cornette? Pat Patterson?

On the night of the revealing, Booker T is backstage warming up for a match. Suddenly, his eyes go wide, looking like he’s seen a ghost. It’s ERIC. FUCKING. BISCHOFF.

The man who almost destroyed the WWF! The genius behind the N.W.O! The guy who brought in the hugely successful Cruiserweight Division! The bastard who spoiled taped Raw results on Live TV! THE enemy of Vince McMahon! THE enemy of the WWF!

Vince McMahon introduces Eric, and… then it happens. With one sudden movement, millions of dollars are flushed down the drain.

Eric Bischoff and Vince McMahon… hug.

Now this wasn’t so much of a ‘oh man, this crap is lame’ moment, but a ‘oh crap, they’re just silly’ moment. So to call it a ‘jump the shark moment’ would be akin to saying your cousin is racist because he prefers vanilla ice cream.

Sharks Jumped: 3

The Fans Got ‘Stuffed’

Survivor Series, 1990. The event was lame (I found a tape of it, and reviewed the sucker a few weeks back.. check out Mr. Archives if you’re dorky) but The Gobbledy Gooker made Bushwhacker Luke VS Sgt. Slaughter look like Bret Hart VS Davey Boy Smith.

To make a ridiculously long, horrible, and painful story short, the WWWFE carted around this giant fake egg around to events for months, to hype Survivor Series, vowing that at the big event, it’d crack open. A new wrestler perhaps? … No, not at all. It was Hector Guerrero in a horrible ‘turkey’ costume riddled with feathers and a giant head dress, in which he proceeded to dance with Mean Gene. … That was it.

To me, this sounds like Jumping the Shark Deluxe. However… you must remember one thing. This was 1990. The WWF was year away from discovering ‘Attitude’, and while his was an extreme case, cartoony characters were abundant. While no one liked this thing, it’s rather hard to say this jumped the shark, because frankly, the shark wasn’t even there yet.

Sharks Jumped: 4

BEST. CHAMPION. EVER.

Buddy Rogers, Bruno Sammartino, Lou Thesz, Bob Backlund. Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Ric Flair, Bret Hart. Shawn Michaels, the Undertaker, Steve Austin. Mick Foley, the Rock, Triple H… Vince McMahon?

Don’t remember this? Well let me refresh your memory.

September, 1999. Coming off the hugely successful McMahon/Austin feud (again), Vince lost a match, where the stipulations were if his man (Undertaker) lost to Austin, Vince was gone from the WWF forever. Such events transpired, and unsurprisingly, a few months later Vince was back on TV. Only this time… he was a good guy! Vince had issues with then-champion Triple H, and on one Smackdown evening, Vince McMahon actually won the WWF Championship from Hunter, thanks to Steve Austin… because Steve Austin Said So .. Yeah.

In the end, Vince dropped the title (being the first and only man to EVER be the undefeated WWF champion) and a 6 pack challenge saw Triple H regain his gold.

However… this here was a simple disgrace. Vince never has been a trained wrestler, let alone championship material. Some say it was a tool to push the Hunter/Austin feud along, and others (myself included) say it was simply a way for Vince to be able to say he’s a former WWF Champion.

Anyways… did the WWF jump the shark here? I don’t think so. This was bad, no doubt. Infact, I peg this as the first sign that the WWF was starting to get a bigger ego again. But in retrospect, it was just bad.

Sharks Jumped: 2

Hell, Fire, and Brim-stone(d writers come up with the best stuff!)

NOW we’re talkin’. The IWC will peg this as the most disgraceful thing to hit our TV screens since David Arquette: WCW Champion, and rightfully so. You have Triple H, unquestionably your most over heel in the company, feuding with a once again over Kane. Both men have been champions, both men have good name value, and both can produce decent main events. Seems like a good plan. So let’s fuck it up.

Kane had just finished winning a 4 team TLC match by himself, retaining the tag team titles, when his rival, Triple H, had injured his partner, The Hurricane. Kane came off incredibly strong here, pushing him straight ahead for his main event feud with Hunter. A perfect show ending, right? WRONG. Triple H decides to make an appearance… where he tells the world that Kane... IS A MURDERER!!!! What the fuck.

Next week, we find out that there was this girl that Kane liked, Katie Vick, and one night they had a little too much to drink, so he drove her home. But she drove standard, he didn’t know how to drive it, and they got in an accident, where Katie had died. We completely threw out all that we knew about Kane, for this charred angry monster had somehow been able to not only pick up a chick, be invited to parties, and be on a wrestling team… but he’d been able to completely avoid a police investigation.

So then, Sherlock ‘Triple H’ Holmes arrives on the scene, and discovers this D.N.A. evidence, because... Ric Flair is a coroner? Anywho, Kane apparently porked ol’ ‘Katie Vick’… while she was dead. What the fuck, indeed.

Infact, we were treated to such brilliant vignettes such as Hunter in a Kane mask doing the nasty with a mannequin in a funeral parlor. However, I guess anything would be better than Chyna, but I digress.

To pour more gasoline on the fire (pun intended), Hunter was just about finished with feuding with Kane. Infact, to end their feud, Kane & Hunter had a casket match with Kane... on Raw. Yeah, they cook up this scheme here, and won’t even give it a spot on a PPV? Anywho, Kane won, but thanks to Hunter’s new feud buddy, Shawn Michaels. Kane then disappeared into the tag team ranks before getting squashed again by Hunter, and then lost his mask.

So… was this whole saga the definitive ‘jump the shark’ moment of the WWE? Almost. See… no doubt, this is probably the most embarrassing thing a wrestling fan will ever watch. However, after years of being bludgeoned with feuds over a spilt cup of coffee, riding caskets, and spraying poop… we shouldn’t have been shocked. That’s not to say it wasn’t absolutely ridiculous, but this angle failed to bring in the negative press it was obviously designed for, and just left the WWE looking like tools. Verdict: Bad, duh. Jumped the shark? Not quite.

Sharks Jumped: 6

Dawn Marie: Incestuous Lesbian Murdering Sex Pot

Initially, when the brand split came, Smackdown was the superior brand. The rosters were fair name-wise, but Smackdown had the talent. The Smackdown Six (Benoit, Angle, Rey Mysterio, Edge, Eddie & Chavo Guerrero) were putting on absolute clinics, and toss in the likes of Brock Lesnar, Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin, Spanky, Paul London, Billy Kidman, and Ultimo Dragon… you were putting on classic shows week in, and week out. Then, just because they could, they fucked it up.

See, Raw was getting shit for all the corny angles going on. Smackdown was a wrestling-heavy program, with nearly all storylines being told in the ring, not in skits. So, to make Smackdown weaker, they decided it needed a good ol’ shot of absolute WTF material. Behold! The Al Wilson Saga!

It all started out innocently enough, with an episode of Smackdown in Torrie Wilson’s home state of Ohio. Her father met here there, and basically said hi. At the time, Torrie was feuding with perennial female jobber (pun intended, again) Dawn Marie. Dawn, being the crazy little number she is, proceeded to hit on Al. All seemed like it was simply build up to an uninteresting PPV match which wouldn’t go past 5 minutes – alright, whatever.

But... then Al showed up after the PPV. Infact, he was showing up... with Dawn Marie. Hell, do you remember when Al met Dawn in the shower… and while Dawn was in the buff, Al, inexplicably, was fully clothed? I sure as hell wish I didn’t.

Anyways! Time went on, and the girls feuded, with Al always breaking it up. Until… Al and Dawn decided to get married! Oh yes! Not only get married, but get married in their underwear! And Al would have a boner!

I wish I could stop, but the best has yet to come.

Next week, we were ‘treated’ (I use that term loosely… just like Dawn) to the honeymoon video… where DAWN MARIE FUCKED AL WILSON TO DEATH. If only we could all die that way.

However, things took an ‘interesting’ twist. (I secretly replaced the meaning of ‘interesting’ with ‘fucking ridiculous’ for this column, by the way.) It turned out, Dawn didn’t want Al at all… she was using HIM to get closer to TORRIE! It seems the former Mrs. Wilson was a big ol’ dyke, and wanted some Ohio sweet potato pie!

So... how did this angle end? In perhaps one of the most confusing blow offs (literally) to a feud, Torrie met Dawn in her hotel room, and the two ladies shared some tongue... and then Smackdown went off the air, implying the two would… ummm… play scrabble?

The grand question! Did the WWE jump the shark here? Once again, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but no, it didn’t. Infact, looking back on it now, it’s kinda hilarious. Sure, I’d rather watch a 20+ minute classic with Kurt Angle going up Against Chris Benoit, but this angle nearly redeemed itself purely on the commentary by Tazz & Michael Cole. These two guys had the right idea about the whole thing, and instead of looking at is a serious wrestling angle, basically laughed their ass off every time this story was brought up, and were probably the only reasons why this angle wasn’t nixed from the get go.

Sharks Jumped: 5

Holy crap, they actually went there.

If Al Wilson’s chubby wasn’t enough for you, how about Billy & Chuck: The first openly gay tag team?

You know… rather than explain the whole story, which I’m sure you all know, let’s just look at the facts.

Ever since anyone can remember, there have been gay innuendos in wrestling. However, it was done without actually saying “I like rock hard penis up my pooper”. The WWE crossed that line, and did so in horribly entertaining fashion.

Let’s look beyond what went on TV. Personally, I LOVED the wedding ceremony, only for the fact that they used this to turn Rico mega heel, turn Billy & Chuck face, and really start pushing the Raw VS Smackdown feud. But… one cannot deny what was going on in the media.

Steroid scandals, Murder trials, cartoony nature, and so much more had given the WWE a bad rap over the years. It was seen as a lowest form of entertainment, and sometimes it was deserved. One would think that this openly gay tag team would be just another notch on the belt of negative press – but no! It seems the media saw the WWE as a shinning example of new age thinking, and PRAISED the company for pushing this gay wedding so far, and in turn was bringing in larger numbers and a bigger crowd! Infact, GLAAD went as far as to give Billy & Chuck a gravy boat!

So, Vince being the man he is, decided this was too good to be true, and turned it back into negative press, BECAUSE HE’S VINCE MCMAHON DAMNIT!

To me, this is so close to jumping the shark, it’s scary. However, just because I’m a biased prick, I don’t think it was the moment, for I liked it. Sue me.

Sharks jumped: 7

AND THE WINNER IS…

…. Oooh, the suspense is killing you, isn’t it?

… I bet you can’t wait!

… it’s like those precious moments as your girlfriend takes her bra off for the first time!

I’m sure you’re asking yourself right now “Why Mr.America? It was bad, sure, but it wasn’t corpse rape.” .. well, while the thought of Hulk Hogan having sex might beg to differ, let’s look at what the whole angle entailed.

-         Stephanie signing Mr. America ‘sight unseen’.

-         Bringing back TWO past-their-primes-15-years-ago veterans, in Hogan & Piper

-         Negative Main-stream media attention

-         Highly negative feedback from the hardcore fan base

-         Unoriginal, recycled, and horrible wrestling angle

-         Team After School Special: Mr. America & Zack “One Legged Freak” Gowan

-         Hulk Hogan defeats a lie detector

-         The beginnings of Stephanie VS Vince, which gave us the WORST interview ever.

-         The eventual release of Sean O’Haire

-         Cop-out blow off when Hogan threw a hissy fit backstage.

To put it bluntly…

Shark Jumped: 24

There you go folks. I could have been a jerk and made this a 2 part column, but I’m so totally awesome, I give it to you all once. That’s right, praise me.

Anyways, if you kids have any grievances with my list, or want to add any of your own, or have any feedback on it at all, shoot me an email at jr_soda@hotmail.com, where I’ll totally reply with ~~Goatse~~ pleasantries.

White Vans And Candy: (08/08/05) by James Walker

Vince McMahon is a man that knows no boundries. Having conquered the wrestling world, his other exponentially lucrative ventures such as the WBF, XFL, and Reality TV have been massive successes. Having this information, Vince sat down at his desk… and pondered what avenue he could make his own. Space? That’s already happening – he’s pushed JBL to the moon. Computers? No, only 12 year olds use them. Then it hit him…

BROADWAY!

Thanks to my sources on the inside (After I show them my insides), White Vans And Candy Presents: THE WWE MUSICAL!

*A dark stage, with a man in the spotlight, is seen on the stage. A lonely tune plays.*

Christian: Life wasn’t so great in 99…
To pay the rent I scrapped up dimes.
Then the big time gave me a call
Next thing I was in Titan halls.
Goth to joker, I did all that was asked…
I even wore a shiny gold mask.
But then came the brand split…
And I was a sure fire hit.
Years went by with a solid career
The main event was coming near
I got me a Wrestlemania spot
With a problem solver, I had a plot
I had a break-out promo with the boss
Maybe I’d beat Cena thanks to my hoss…

*music slows down…*

Then… it call came down…

*lights go on, and a slew of mid carders are behind Christian*

Everyone: HE WAS TRADED TO SMACKDOWN! (OH NO!)
SMACKDOWN, WHERE CAREERS GO TO DIE! (OH YES!)
SMACKDOWN, OH ME OH MY! (OH MY!)
HE WAS TRADED TO SMACKDOWN!

Christian: I came in hot, like a meteorite!
Lost my first match, and something wasn’t right!
I was getting pinned clean, I couldn’t even cheat to win!
No one to feud with, my career began to dim!
Pinned by the champ, now that’s no shame.
But it seems everyone wants to hear my name!

Everyone: CHRISTIAN WAS TRADED TO SMACKDOWN! (OH NO!)
CHRISTIAN, YOU HAD IT ALL! (OH YES!)
CHRISTIAN, NOW YOU’RE TAKING THE PINFALL! (OH MY!)
CHRISTIAN WAS TRADED TO SMACKDOWN!

*Christian slumps back down in a chair… and a man walks up to him*

Chris Benoit: Your story is a sad tale, one which I can sympathize.
You know as well as I do, our eyes are on that prize…
Wrestlemania 20 came, and I’d beaten the top man!
But little did I know the master plan!
Summerslam, I’d lose to Orton, One Two Three!
Then Hunter got back his belt without beating me.
Another program must have been in the works…
But you know everyone has their quirks…
So they did the inevitable…

Everyone: HE WAS TRADED TO SMACKDOWN! (OH NO!)
SMACKDOWN, WHERE CAREERS GO TO DIE! (OH YES!)
SMACKDOWN, OH ME OH MY! (OH MY!)
HE WAS TRADED TO SMACKDOWN!

*As Chris goes to start the next verse, a bell hits, and the stage goes black… Chris pauses.*

…

*Chris looks around, and sees a tall man dressed in black coming his way… slowly…*

…

*Chris runs a marathon*

…

*Chris writes his memoirs*

…

*The Tall man is at centre stage…. Dark, monotonous music plays. Chris has also grown a beard.*

Undertaker: I’m hearing grievances of Smackdown futures…
But Smackdown is where careers get nurtured!
Look at me, a crippled old man…
I can’t even be assed to get a tan!
But I’m given my top spot because of my name
And because Tuesdays weren’t for The Game.
Feed me new talent, it’s all I ask!
Maybe beat up some fake terrorists in ski masks!
The fact is, I have a protected spot!
The fact is, I’m on top!

Everyone: HE’S A VETERAN ON SMACKDOWN! (OH NO!)
NO WAY HE’LL LOOK DEFEATABLE! (OH NO!)
HE”S EARNED THE INVINCABLE LABEL! (OH NO!)
BECAUSE HE’S A VETERAN ON SMACKDOWN! (OH NO!)

Christian: But Taker, Can’t you see?
You’re holding down the future, like me!

Chris Benoit: Ratings are down, it’s the same old!
New stories & characters must be told!

Christian: We’ve worked to get here just as much as you!
I’m beginning to wonder who you blew!

Chris Benoit: We could be phenoms, we could be legends!
But you’re beating us while wearing depends!

Christian: Give us the chance!

Chris Benoit: Let us in the big dance!

Christian: We’ll succeed, you’ll see!

Chris Benoit: Just don’t ruin us like you did to DDP!

*A limousine with long horns comes on to the stage*

JBL: I’ve hard enough of this crap!
You won’t get pushed, and that’s that!
People want to see slugfest, slobberknockers, bloddy brawls!
Not planchas, chain wrestling, and exciting near falls!
Clotheslines are the only offence a main eventer needs!
Tiger Suplexes and submissions just show greed!
But face the facts!

Everyone: THE FACTS!

JBL: YOU’RE NOTHING BUT JOBBING ACTS!
*The two sides, clearly divided size each other up, and circle around… the tension is tight, when an obviously imporantant man in a suit comes from the rafters, and divides the sides*

Vince McMahon: All this bickering, I’ve had enough!
You want to leave? I’ll call your bluff!
To solve this there is only one way
And I’ve come to save the day!
Nothing rhymes with this word, so I’ll just say it!
We’re going to have a ROCK OPERA, HOLY SHIT!!!

*back to the opening scene with Christian in the middle of a dark stage*

Christian: Is this my real life…
Is this just fantasy…

*men start to file in from the side*

Chris Benoit: Caught in talent hell…
No escape from our contract…

Paul London: Open your eyes,
After being pinned and seeeeee!

Steven Richards: I’m just a jobber, I need no victories.

Rob Van Dam: Because I’m easy pin, easy go.
I get a little high… a big no no…

Hurricane: Anyways, the show blows; doesn’t really matter to me
Toooo meee…

*A large men in suits come from the other side of the stage*

HHH: Stephy… just squashed a man…
Pedigree on his head
3 count later, his career is dead.

JBL: Mama, his push had just begun!
But now I’ve gone and killed it all away
Mama, OoooOOOOOooo!!!
Didn’t mean to make you lose!
If you’re not on your back this time tomorrow,
Powerbomb, Powerbomb, and the pinfall doesn’t matter…

Kurt Angle: Hope I’m not too late, doctors have come
Still have the shivers down my spine!
Body’s aching all the time.
They say goodbye, that I’ve got to go.
That I’ve gotta leave it all behind to face the truth.
Mama oooooh, (anyways the show blows)
Don’t want my career to die
Sometimes wish I’d never awesome at all.

*everyone stops, and an old man appears from the back*

Pat Patterson: I see a little package of a French man,
Rene Dupree, Rene Dupree, will you do the fag dance?

Charlie Haas: Lack of creative plans, very implausible to me!

Everyone: Jericho, Jericho!
Jericho, Jericho!
Jericho, jobber magnifico!

Christian: But I’m just a small man and nobody cheers me

Chris Benoit, Paul London, RVD, Hurricane: He’s just a small boy from a different country-
Spare his pride from losing to a DDT-

Christian: Easy come easy go, will you let me go?

HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: BATISTA! No ,we will not let you go!
Chris Benoit, Paul London, RVD, Hurricane: Let him go!
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: BATISTA! We will not let you go!
Chris Benoit, Paul London, RVD, Hurricane: Let him go!
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: BATISTA! We will not let you go!
Christian: Let me go!
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: Will not let you go!
Christian: Let me go-oohhhhh!
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: No,no,no,no,no,no,no!
Nunzio: Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let him go!
Christian: Jeff Jarrett has a push put aside for me, for me, for MEEEEEEE!

*Chris Jericho jumps to centre stage, wailing away on a guitar*

Christian: So you think you can squash me and kill all my pride!
So you think you can push me then leave me to die!
Oh baby, can’t do this to me baby!
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!

Talent doesn’t matter,
Anyone can see,
Talent doesn’t matter, talent doesn’t matter to the E….

Anyways, the show blows....

Send feedback to James Walker

White Vans And Candy: (08/01/05) by James Walker

Recently, Muhammed Hassan was taken off TV per request from UPN as a result of the negative feedback from the ‘terrorist cell’ attack on The Undertaker a month ago. While the WWE uncharacteristically back-peddles out of media attention, and the IWC enforces the stereotype that we’re just bitter, *I* have the solution. Rather, many. See, sure, the whole ‘terrorist’ thing might not have been the best thing in the world to push, so with a little tweakin’, I think this angle could have been GOLD. Behold, the WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS: MUHAMMED HASSAN – THE ALTERNATE ENDINGS

Hassan & Daivari: The Real World

They’re had Tough Enough, which showed the ins and outs of ring work. They’ve had One Night in China, which showed the ins and outs of… umm... stuff. But imagine, a camera crew following Hassan & Daivari around, travelling town from town! It would write itself!

*Hassan & Daivari are in a rental car*

Hassan: I’m hungry, let’s go get something to eat.

Daivari: Sounds good… I could really go for some curry.

Hassan: I hate that shit. I want some calzone, capiche?

Daivari: FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. I KNOW YOU’RE ITALIAN, BUT PEOPLE LOOK AT US WEIRD AT THOSE PLACES.

Hassan: Honestly though man… you’ve got to admit. Indian food looks like camel barf.

Daivari: لا يمكن أن أعتقد أننيّ علقت مع هذا الرّجل .

Hassan: Caaaaaaamel barf!

Or, imagine the two men sitting in an airport lobby, waiting for their flight.

*Daivari is plodding away on a crossword puzzle, as Hassan plays his PSP and listens to music*

Daivari: What are you listening to?

Hassan: Country.

Daivari: GAH. … make yourself useful, what’s an 18 letter word ‘to provide an interuption’?

Hassan: AYALEEYAALEEAHLAYA?

Daivari: Thanks. 4 letter word for an explosive device?

Hassan: BOMB!

*Airport security rushes the scene and carts Hassan off*

Daivari: Whoopsies.

Oh Muhammed, Where Art Thou?

“I aaamm… a man of constant Jihhhaaaad”.. catchy, no? Imagine if after the so called scandal, Muhammed Hassan and Orville Daivarischmidt became a tag team of early 20^th century ruffians simply moving from one Hootenany to another, brewin’ up trouble wherever their vagrant souls wander across this great land, sittin’ round a campfire, with their ski masks. (BECAUSE IT’S COLD! THAT’S THE ONLY REASON, DAMN IT.) However, things can take an interesting twist when Muhammed & Orville get in trouble with the Governor…

Muhammed: “But Gov’nr sir, I wasn’t preachin’ no Allah to yer daughter!’

Governor: “Keep tellin’ that to yerself son, now git on yer back and job to an American hero”

Orville: “Nawhwutchsayin isthaMUHAMMED HASSANisgittin’ mahdeexamplehoutta cause hiseyedeeologees evenwhen themfeeeerstamehndaaant!... saystheatbuisnessbewrongfull, sir!”

Governer: “… riiiight.”

Think of the potential! Muhammed can start carrying around a banjo and channelling the spirit of the Honky Tonk Man, slicking back his hair with wheel grease, and steal apple pies from window sills! GOOD GOD THIS IDEA IS SO GOOD IM GOING TO EXPLODE.

The Ghosts of ~~Christmas~~ Holiday Past, Present, & Future

Maybe this gimmick isn’t exactly perfect for Hassan, but it’s just a damn cool idea. Imagine if you will: One week on Smackdown, a ghostly image of Hassan appears in The Undertaker’s line of sight…. And shows a clip from the Great American Bash, with the powerbomb through the stage. ‘Hassan’ says Taker must change his ways.

The following week, a ghostly image of Daivari shows up as the Undertaker is about to come to the ring… and shows a clip of Hassan eating a single pea for dinner, crying about his luck, and telling his masked disciples he hopes the promise of a holy death is enough to pay them. Undertaker is obviously disturbed.

In the thrilling conclusion of this idea, Death with scythe and all, confronts the undertaker, and warns him of his future… he points him to a TV, where Hassan comes from behind and clubs Taker in the back of the neck.

… alright, sue me. I just want to be able to hear Daivari say “Allah bless us.. everyone”

Queer As Arabs

Vince loves controversial gimmicks… porn stars, pimps, homosexuals, necrophilia, lesbian sex, murder, rape…. You name it, it’s been done. However, a strong case can be made for the fact that Hassan was Vince’s MOST controversial character… that is, until he turns Daivari & Hassan gay.

Look at the heat machines, The Heartthrobs! They’re INSANELY over, just because they listen to techno and gyrate their hips at each other! So toss in the most hated man in Wrestling in a feather boa (hmmm… was that subtle enough for you kids?) and BAM! BILLIONS & BILLIONS OF AWESOMENESS.

In fact, you know what, while we’re at it, let’s toss all our eggs into the basket. If Vince wants controversy, he might as well put every idea he has into this… I’m talking about Muhammed Hassan: The one legged, mentally retarded, child pornography watching, KKK card carrying, bestiality producing, Marilyn Manson listening, health care fund cutting, cork baseball bat swinging, rifle shooting, stem cell endorsing, NASA privatizing, right wing extremist, steroid using, metric system enforcing, SUV driving, nuclear power using, forest depleting, Firestone tire engineering, Atkins dieting, music downloading, ocean landfill loving, electoral college activating, Satan worshipping, Michael Moore following, confederate flag waving homosexual transvestite HEAT MACHINE!!!

Now was that so tough people?

July 04, 2005
July 13, 2005
July 18, 2005
July 25, 2005

White Vans And Candy: (07/25/05) by James Walker

So, in my travels around town, I happened to waltz my way into a video store. Being the cheap bastard I am, the cheap-o bin is like a shining beacon for me. Among my sights were ‘The Best of Salt N-Pepa’, ‘Leprechaun 4’, and of course ‘Season 2: Saved by the Bell’. However, none of these elicited a response… until, I saw this.

Survivor Series 1990, for a buck. I couldn’t refuse.

Now, some of you may know this already: I’m a fan grown up in the Attitude era. So, any of my knowledge of pre-1997 wrestling comes direct from looking it up. And among my travels, only two things ever stood out from this – The Debut of The Undertaker, and The Debut of THE GOBBLEDY FREAKIN’GOOKER. … I’m doing this for you, folks.

Thus begins the WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS: BARGAIN BIN BULLSHIT

The video opens up with Mean Gene in WWE studios pimping ‘Supertape volume 3’, including and in-depth biography of the Legion of Doom! It’s available January 24^th! … god, Mean Gene is a whore.

Ok. What the hell… I paid good money (well… ok…. I paid the beginnings of good money) for this video, and they’re giving me commercials? The first one is for WWF Action figures.. typical stuff here, until the guy shilling them (who must have been the inspiration for ‘Rex’ from Napoleon Dynamite) is interrupted by THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR who proceeds to HISS at his action figure then pound the table. AWESOME.

Then we’re treated to the same guy, same set, but now he has a toy ring!

‘Rex’: “Watch the Macho King fly off the ropes with his elbow smash into that chump Brutus Beefcake”

Brutus: “NO WAY!”

Then Brutus proceeds to play with his shears. God damn, I hate him.

Next, is Sean Mooney pimping THE MYSTERIOUS EGG. Oh, and something about a grand survivor match. Whatever, there’s a big egg behind him, look at it!

The matches get pimped, and I realize that I’ve never seen half these guys wrestle. This’ll be fun. Ah.. the grand survivor match will be the survivors of every match on 2 teams battling it out. I think it would be great if Heels & Faces were on the same team, but, y’know, fans couldn’t handle that.

Gorilla Monsoon & Roddy Piper are on for commentary, and pimp the egg. But even more impressive, they scream about the fact it’s free for the ‘soldiers in Iraq’ and telling ‘President Bush’ that he’s gonna enjoy this. The ironing is delicious.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention this great Piper quote from the beginning:

Roddy: “And Saddam Hussein, we’re going to make you pay DOUBLE! We’re gonna make you pay THROUGH THE NOSE!!!” *inset elephant snorting cocaine mockery*

.. WHAT?

LOD, Kerry Von Erich, and WARRIAH cut a promo… and I realize how much fun I missed out with Warrior. Seriously, the guy was talking about force-fields.

Curt Hennig, Ax, Smash, & Crush (w/ Mr. Fuji & Bobby Hennan) [The Perfect Team] VS Ultimate Warrior, The Texas Tornado, Hawk & Animal [The Ultimate Warriors]

Jim Hellwig blew himself up running to the ring. This man is my IDOL.

As I wait for something important to happen, I just have to giggle at the fact of how horrible Demolition looks. I mean… S&M costumes on 40 year old men with bald spots? HOT. … whoa, holy crap, Warrior just beat one of the Demolition guys with 3 moves.. shoulder block, flying shoulder block, and a running splash. No wonder people hated him.

‘Weasel’ chant directed to Heenan, and this guy is getting more heat than anyone else. Warrior no sells and tags out. Perfect sells like a mad man. Hawk does the old ‘missing the shoulder tackle in the corner’ spot, but it looked so damn good, and it’s all thanks to Hawk. Near fall for LOD. Demolition start brawling with them, and they draw a double DQ.. so it’s Perfect VS Warrior & Tornado. Warrior & Erich are going ballistic. These guys are so cool.

Tornado VS Perfect, and Curt is like a damn pinball. Heenan gets tossed around by Warrior, so now I’m cheering for Hennig. The Top turnbuckle comes off, perfect plex, Erich is gone. Warrior charges in, and splashes himself on the exposed turnbuckle. Perfect plex, 2 count… wasn’t that supposed to be sold as the inescapable finisher? Bah. Oh well, Hennig dropkicks Warrior, and it beats the hell out of Bob Holly’s. Warrior kicks out of a shoulder tackle, and throws Hennig on the ref… and the ref gets up? Hah… nowadays, refs will stay down all night for that. 3 clotheslines, shoulder tackle, running splash, 3 count. HORRIBLE FINISH.

Survivor: The Ultimate Warrior (minus sanity)

Monsoon: “The Warrior is something else”… yup.

DiBiase cuts a promo, and I realize how great he was.

Dusty makes his way to the ring, and Koko B.Ware follows looking like a coked out MC Hammer back up dancer. Hart foundation follows, and Neidhart has a faggy pink beret. Apparently Dean Hart died the day before this event, and Bret is still wrestling… good shit.

Rhythm & Blues come out, and Valentine looks horribly misplaced. HTM is hilarious with his gyrations. DiBiase comes out with Virgil.. ha ha, Virgil. DiBiase introduces Taker, and he looks hilariously badass with his mullet.

Ted DiBiase, The Undertaker, Honky Tonk Man, & Greg Valentine (w/ Virgil, Brother Love, & Jimmy Hart) [The Million Dollar Team] VS Dusty Rhodes, Koko B.Ware, Bret Hart, & Jim Neidhart (The Dream Team)

Taker starts off against Bret. Taker takes Bret down quickly, tag to Neidhart. Jimmy taken down, tag to Koko.. who gets tombstoned, and he’s gone. Ha ha, suck on it Leeman. Dusty is in, and… why do people like him again? Really. Someone answer this.

Bret is in, selling for everyone. Blind tag to Neidhart, who powerslams Honky for the 3 count. … alright. I know the nineties were a different time in wrestling, but looking at this tape 15 years later, these finishes just make me laugh. Loudly.

Dream & DiBiase in, and Dusty punches him in the corner, as his flab shakes around. Seriously, it’s gross. … Dropkick from Dusty? BAD. Neidhart in.. off the ropes, Virgil holds it, Clothesline to Jim, 3 count. BAD BAD.

Taker back in, and does a sweet flying stomp. He then boots the gut of Dusty. … like he could miss… (oh yeah, no shame.)

Dusty gets stomped by Brother Love on the outside, but Dusty starts beating away on him, so Taker saves him to get counted out. Lame. Inside, Valentine goes for the Figure 4, but Bret rolls him up, so we’re left with Hart & DiBiase. Inverted atomic drop over the ropes, then a plancha by Hart… I miss Bret, so much. DiBiase too, these guys have looked better than anyone else in the show; great selling. Bret takes a turnbuckle whip BRILLIANTLY. Bret then fakes blowing out his knee to get a 2 count… my god, he only faked it for 2 seconds, but he did it better than I’ve seen anyone else ever sell for real. Hart starts the 5MOD… roll through on the Cross Body by DiBiase, 3 count. Hart sits up and says some naughty words if you can read lips.

Survivor: Ted DiBiase & Virgil’s awesome sparkly pink cut off dress shirt.

On a side note, they were really pushing Bret here. He was a tag champ here, but the groundwork was being put in for a singles run, and I don’t blame them – he looked like gold.

Gene is in... the shower… with Jake Roberts… what. Interview, my ass. (Gene says: OK!) Okerlund explains because it’s more comfortable for Damien in the wet environment. What the hell, man. Gene also pauses when he says ‘wet’. CREEPY.

Rick Martel comes out, and I wish I had his button. Hercules is wearing a belly shirt – I thought it was the Blue Meanie. The Warlord? No joke needed.

Jake Roberts, Jimmy Snuka, Shawn Michaels, & Marty Jannety (The Vipers) VS Rick Martel, The Warlord, Paul Roma, & Hercules (W/ Slick) [The Visionairies]

First off, The Visionaries? What is this, some type of carnival sport?!?! Anywho, Jannety looks good, Michaels does too. Really basic stuff, until Warlord counters a top rope crossbody to a powerslam, which was all Jannety, for a 3 count.

They pan to a shot of Rick’s ‘Arrogance Atomizer’, and I laugh my ass off. Seriously, it ran away. I can’t find it.

Snuka gets a crossbody reversed by Martel, 3 count. … that’s the 3^rd Crossbody reversal pinfall in this show. Alright, no more, or I stab Sean Mooney. A lot.

Jake is in and getting beat down. Well… compared to all the crack he’ll end up using, this was like a day at the candy factory, but never the less. Michaels gets the tag, and falls victim to a superplex, then top rope splash, 3 count.

It’s 4 on 1, and… umm.. I think I see where this is going. Lovely.

Jake DDT’s Warlord to a HUGE pop. Martel in, and eventually Jake runs him off with Damien.. and Jake gets counted out.

Survivors: Rick Martel, Warlord, Paul Roma, & Hercules.

.. alright. Now, These 4 guys will obviously be the heel team at the end of the show, which of course, they’ll lose. (With DiBiase, of course) Now… I know I’m not the best authority on wrestling stuff around this time, but even I know these guys weren’t seen as threats. Why not have, oh I don’t know, your debuting Undertaker there? I’m sure he could have been counted out THERE. Oh well.

We’re back with Sean Mooney (Someone, shank him. For the love of god, shank him good.) and ‘The Hulkamaniacs’ – Hogan, Duggan, Tugboat, Bossman. Hogan cuts a typical Hogan promo, but I’ve gotta say, Hogan > Warrior, just based on the fact I can understand what Hogan is saying. Anywho, Duggan has YELLOW RIBBONS around his 2X4, for this match is dedicated to all the hulkamaniacs around the world, bruther! … oh, and the troops. Yeah, the troops. … err…

Earthquake, Dino Bravo, Haku, The Barbarian (w/ Jimmy Hart, Bobby Heenan, and Barbarian’s HILARIOUS entrance gear – seriously, the guy had antlers) [The Natural Disasters] VS Hulk Hogan, Jim Duggan, The Big Bossman, & Tugboat [The Hulkamaniacs]

During the entrances, Piper said ‘America is the greatest country in the world’… dude, you’re Canadian. Thumbs down, thumbs down. Oh Bossman had a great theme; you know when it has the lyrics “He has a big stick”, it’s a real winner. Bossman also is sweating through his shirt, and the match hasn’t even begun.

Piper says this match ‘Is no beauty contest’, and I wonder if poor John Tenta’s feelings were hurt.

Duggan is fucking OVER. Wow. I’ve always heard he was back around this time, but holy crap, it’s no joke. Him and Haku start it off, and it’s pretty entertaining. Well, I don’t think it’s helped that the action has been pretty lame for my standards, so my standards have been lowered. The Natural Disasters make quick tags, as I wonder why Bravo had a job, let alone being called ‘The World’s Strongest Man’.. he’s the smallest guy here. Bossman gets in, and quickly lands The Bossman Slam on Haku for a 3 count. Abyss does it much better.

Barbarian suplexes Bossman, and Piper says Bossman is 340 pounds. BULLSHIT. Anywho, Duggan gets in, and Jimmy hart causes him to fly out of the ring… Duggan gets pissed, and grabs his wood. (Oh that’s right, I said it.) He tries to land a shot on Hart, But nails Earthquake by accident for the DQ.

Hogan in, and powerslams Earthquake for a big pop. However, Quake recovers, and tags to Dino. Dino in.. and gets small packaged for a 3 count.

Bossman & Quake are dueling, and Quake knocks him down.. a few big elbows later, and it’s another 3 count.

Piper is REALLY laying into Hogan here. He’s calling Hogan dumb – sure, it’s because he keeps on trying to slam Quake, but at every chance he gets, he calls Hogan on it. Ah well. Eventually Quake & Tugboat end up on the outside.. and you know what that means.. DOUBLE COUNT OUT! YEAH, ORIGINAL! … I think Shane McMahon is a ref here. He has horrible hair.

We’re down to Hulk & Barbarian! OH MY GOD I CANT PREDICT THIS! Barbarian goes for a piledriver, but it’s so obvious it didn’t hit, Monsoon calls the guys on it – cool. Barbarian lands a nice top rope clothesline, Hogan no sells… and a boot & leg drop later, it’s over.

Survivor: Hulk Hogan

Post match, Heenan gets tossed around – Bobby sold better than anyone in this last match. Hogan then celebrates for 5 minutes, no joke. I fast forward, fuck this.

We have some interviews with kids talking about who they came to see – Most of them say Warrior, even a deaf kid. Well, either that or he was telling me to eat shit & die in sign language.

Okerlund then brings out Savage. Savage is a heel here, and.. umm.. the fans really aren’t reacting at all.

Macho Man: “The Ultimate Chicken will be the Ultimate Losssserrrr.. Yeeeeeeeaaaaah!!!”

Macho goes on to say he’ll retire once he’s done with Warrior – Sure, tell that to Jeff Jarrett.

Nikolai Volkoff, Tito Santana, & The Bushwhackers [The Alliance] VS Sgt. Slaughter, Boris Zukhov, & The Orient Express (With General Adnan) [The Mercenaries]

Piper claims we’re not even halfway done yet, when we only have 40 minutes left on this tape. Right.

Pre-match, Slaughter cuts a HORRIBLE promo. I hate it. It’s really long, and he’s just .. annoying. He says he’s better than the troops because he didn’t have sand in his pumpkin pie. GREAT LOGIC!

It’s also of note, Slaughter’s Team ALL have war paint on their faces. I t just makes them look like they have gangrene. Santana with a CROSS BODY on Zukhov, 3 count. .. Alright Mooney, I’m coming for you.

The Bushwhackers ram their heads into members of the Orient Express, and he’s gone. Then Santana lands The Flying Burrito, 3 count the other Orient Express guy. It’s all against Slaughter.

The crowd stars a USA chant… which is funny, for Slaughter, the heel, is the only American in this match now. Slaughter is beating up Volkoff. Piper & Monsoon are reaaaally trying to put over these guys, but the crowd is dying down. Slaughter lands an Elbow drop.. 3 count. This is kinda sad here, folks. I mean, RVD-Wrestlemania 19 bad.

Luke gets knees on a top rope splash, and a 3 count follows. Then Butch gets a lariat, 3 count. MY GOD. I know they’re just trying to get some eliminations in, but please, this hurts my soul.

It’s now Santana & Slaughter, and it picks up a little. Tito has a red sombrero on his trunks, and I think it’s advertising for Arby’s. Ref bump, aaaand… wow, he gets up pretty quickly. Well, he doesn’t sell it like he’s dead. Adnan comes in and lands a flag shot…. Sure, the ref inside didn’t see it, but there’s refs on the outside… alright then. Slaughter locks in the camel clutch, and the bell rings. … Slaughter gets DQed, the ref saw it. Heh, alright, cool finish.

Survivor: Tito Santana

Backstage we see Mooney interviewing The Visionaires & DiBiase. DiBiase cuts another great promo. Martel sprays around, and I giggle at the fact Virgil has NOTHING to do.

We’re at THE EGG with Okerlund.. and, because Okerlund knows these things, he’s telling us the egg is about to hatch! Yup. He’s totally a veterinarian. The fans are quasi-hyped for this. It hatches.. and we see the damn Gobbeldy Gooker. The fans REVOLT. Not good heat, but just ‘what the fuck is this shit’ heat. Gene apparently understands Turkey, for he’s translating that his name is the Gobbeldy Gooker, and that he wants to dance. Right-o. Midi-ized Turkey in the Straw plays, and… they dance. The fans are HATING IT. Well.. aside from about 6 nuns. Piper is trying to say the kids are loving it, but a kid who screams ‘WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP’ - RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA begs to differ.

Monsoon: “The Gobbeldy Gooker, a big smash at the Survivor series”

This is a first here, folks. Gonzo & Sean may do this regularly, but after watching that segment, I’ve decided that this required a drink. It’s that bad.

Anyways, while Jagermeister makes it’s way through my system, we Have Warrior, Hogan, & Santana cutting a promo. While Hogan & Santana talk, Warrior just poses, hisses, and cuts in front of the camera. Ahahaha, I love it. He doesn’t even look at the camera as he cuts his promo. Santana is really stuggling to get on the camera here. Poor guy.

Ted DiBiase, Rick Martel, Paul Roma, Hercules, & The Warlord VS Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, & Tito Santana

Hogan punches Warlord, then Santana lands the forearm.. 3 count. God bless simplicity, I suppose.

DiBiase is in, and I realize Santana is here just to job. Aaaand, a Hot-shot later, he does exactly that.

Hogan in, but DiBiase tags out quickly. Power & glory have to get some bigger tights, especially when we accidentally get ass shots of em. Hogan gets worn down, so DiBiase gets back in. Hogan starts a comeback, so they send Hercules back in. Superplex/Splash combo.. Hogan no sells. Clothesline later, Roma is out. Martel sells great for Hogan, tag to Warrior. He can’t even land some kicks properly. Warrior beats down Martel, then Hogan sloppily clotheslines him out of the ring… and Martel counts himself out.

DiBiase & Hercules VS Warrior & Hogan. Boot, Leg drop, and DIBIASE is out. Why not job Herc out first? Gah. Warrior in… and before I finish typing the last sentence, He’s already pinned Hercules. Good lord.

Survivors: Warrior & Hogan

PPV MVP: Gotta go with DiBiase here. He was in the ring more than anyone, and really made his opponents seem like threats. Great selling, and the crowd hated him like they should. The Jagermeister was a close second.

PPV LVP: Gobbeldy Gooker. Was there ANY doubt?

Overall… bad. Being 1990, the finishes were lame, and being Survivor Series, they were even lamer. That said, the crowd still loved just about everything that went on, barring a few.. *noticeable* exemptions. The crowd seemed happy, so that’s all that really matters.

Ok, so, a dollar & 3 hours later, do I feel I got my money’s worth? Yes. If only for Martel, Hart, & DiBiase, it was enjoyable. Laughing at Warrior & Gooker was fun too, I highly recommend it. Over, and over, in their faces. Especially Warrior – he’d only end up hissing at you.

White Vans And Candy: (07/18/05) by James Walker

Ever since the brand split, once a year, the WWE has performed mass exodus on its roster, and fired a good 10-15 workers. This year was one of the largest scale neuterings we’ve ever seen, and it doesn’t stop with the roster. It seems the WWE is doing some ‘summer’ cleaning on its inventory, and if I do say so myself, it’s quite a goldmine. Yours truly has once again delved deep into Stamford to find the loot YOU demand, all in an effort to provide you with the WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENT: THE WWE GARAGE SALE!

ULTIMATE WARRIOR TASSLES

Even before they stepped into the ring with him, one look at the Warrior, and the opponents all knew: “This guy is a fucking nut job.”… oh, and they were going to lose. Why? Because of the colourful spectrum of plastic strips warning them of their inevitable doom! Nothing strikes fear into the heart of man like dazzling polyethylene wrapped around oiled forearms! Gorilla Press Slam, Running Splash, ITS TASSLE DESTRUCITY!!!

It seems there’s a giant stock of these beauties in WWE headquarters, and when you buy 40 sets of these bad boys, you’ll get a free Chris Benoit DVD… because, let’s face it, covering your body with party favors is just as important as work rate. Just don’t use them to seduce men, cause queerin’ don’t make the tassles work.

Cost: $40000 per set … but Warrior himself will come to your home and PERSONALLY AUTHENTIZE YOUR ONE OF A KIND WARRIOR-ONLY WORN TASSLES!!!

GANGREL’S GOBLET

During the attitude era, there was no other vampire mid carder more feared than Gangrel. Coupled with a destiny to get pushed aside for the popular Edge & Christian, Gangrel’s fame dwindled. Attempts to revitalize his career, while worthy, failed drastically. However, whenever this man was coming to the ring, he drank from a goblet and sprayed blood on to the crowd… a sight to behold, indeed.

Up until last week, the cup was in Gangrel’s possession… on a downtown city corner, helping him collect loose change from passer-byes. His sign, ‘Will suck for food’, did give him much business for it’s vague meaning let the imagination decide your future. Recently, a re-hired Repo Man came and stole Gangrel’s Goblet, leaving the poor man without his change receptacle… and now it’s on sale for you!

Cost: $7.54 (25 cents for the cup, and $7.29 for the change still in it)

STONE COLD WATERBOTTLE

Alright. Temporarily, my sarcasm is off. In search for ideas to ridicule, I stumbled upon a Stone Cold Waterbottle. Alright, milk it all you can, right? Well… considering Austin’s similar appearance to a penis, drinking the liquid coming out of the tip of THIS:

might not be the type of thing you want your children to do.

… I’m trying to think of more jokes to make, but honestly, I’m a little too turned on creeped out right now, and I think the picture says it all. My only question now is does it come in Ric Flair carrying case….

Cost: Your innocence.

STEVE BLACKMAN CHARISMA JUICE

The Rock, Ric Flair, Steve Austin… all masters of working the crowd, but compared to Steve Blackman, it’s like we’re watching A-Train over dosing on Tylenol. Steve Blackman literally eats, breathes, and shits excitement! (That’s right, I said it.) And right as his WWE run was coming to a close, WWE had realised his INSANE popularity, and got talking to Steve. Taken DIRECTLY from The Lethal Weapon’s adrenal medulla and ready for drinking use, this stuff is for real! Never put on to the market, it has sat in WWE Headquaters… until now!

Red Bull ain’t got NOTHIN’ on this stuff. One can, and you’ll be swinging glow in the dark nunchucks like a pro! Strap on some black pants, and you’re one dangerous mofo!

Cost: A kendo stick shot to the ribs, and $4000 in medical bills.

Brock
Ok, let’s make a roll call here. Turning down a WWE Developmental deal? Check. Signing after demanding more money? Right. Getting a Monster push upon debut? Mmmhmm. Youngest King of the Ring and WWE Championship victories in history? Gotcha. Being booked like the God of Thunder? Word. Running rough-shod over nearly every main eventer on the WWE roster? And how! Surviving a horribly failed Shooting Star Press attempt? Oh yeah! Not jobbing cleanly in a year and a half? Affirmative. Threatening to kill anyone who leaks information on the internet? We gotcha. Leaving the company who’s invested their future into you just as you were coming around and main stars were leaving? You damn right. Bad mouthing the business as soon as you leave? Yes sir! Failing at any endeavor outside of wrestling? YUP. Filing a lawsuit against your former employer about the ‘fairness’ of a contract you signed to get your release? Oh hell yeah. Getting another shot at the business? Of course. Horseshoe up your ass? You better believe it.

With our super-spy-on-the scene cough*Sable paid with cocaine*cough we’ve physically retrieved ol’smelly STRAIGHT from Brock’s glory hole! We’re told that while venturing where 5 men have gone before, the cries of ‘HERE COMES THE PAIN’ were heard for miles.

Now YOU can be just as lucky as Brock! Simply wedge the device into your sF5inxter, and you’re good to go!

Cost: $300 and eating out Sable for 7-10 years.

OJ
Seriously… we don’t want him. At all. Shave his head, give him an English accent, rename him Geoffrey and get him to open doors in your Bel-Air mansion if you want. We really don’t care.

Cost: A never explained or reasoned push

Batista

Whether it be powerbombing his foes into oblivion, or totally macking on your girl in his pimpin’ suit, Batista is a force to be reckoned with. Everyone is asking the big man.. how do you do it? Training Discipline? Schooling? Meditation? No, silly… STEROIDS! And now, YOU, can be just like BIG DAVE!

Now, of course, for safety reasons, all steroids have been drained from the cylinder, making them COMPLETELY safe for your ‘Little Animal’ to use. … Take that any way you want.

And for all you ladies who wouldn’t mind receiving a good ol’ … “Spinebuster”, well, this is pretty close! Pluck one of these bad boys into your blood system, and you could be the proud owner of a case of Batista Chlamydia, Genitaleviathan Warts, or even the grand daddy, THE ANIMAL AIDS.

Cost: Selling your soul to Vince & Hunter

Scotty

Times have been tough on Scotty. Whether it be getting stuck with the worst finisher since Ronnie Garvin’s Stomp, working the same gimmick for 6 years, both your regular tag team partners getting fired, or never getting over beyond a brief flurry late in the attitude era, things haven’t gone well. But as any man will tell you, all that is like waffles & sex compared to losing a testicle.

Lefty might have been lose to the wrath of cancer, but it was preserved in a jar of formaldehyde on Vince McMahon’s desk, to prove he really does grab life by the balls… even if they aren’t his. Scotty, who would always ask Vince if he could have the jar back, apparently was always met with a reply of “When you signed that contract, you agreed to sign your masculinity over, figuratively or literal.”

But now, Vince has had enough of ‘Them Nutz’ and it’s up for sale for everyone! … except Scotty. Be the proud owner of the little nut that couldn’t today!

Cost: One billion dollars…. or a replacement testicle. It’s your pick, really.

Alright folks, that’s enough loot for you. I can’t dish out all the goodies to you, you know… fair is fair, and I was here first. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some X-Pac endorsed energy drink and some ICO-PRO to mix and render me in a far away land where Al Snow is king.

Send feedback to James Walker

White Vans And Candy: (07/13/05) by James Walker

Ohio Valley Wrestling. The WWE’s top farm league for up & coming wrestlers. Instrumental in developing nearly every single new face you see in the WWE for the last 3 years. Brock Lesnar, Shelton Benjamin, Randy Orton, John Cena, Batista, Kurt Angle, and surely more to come have developed from Jim Cornette & Co’s teaching to become household names.

And I fucking hate it.

Say you’re at your job. Doesn’t matter what – office, labour, tourism – whatever. Imagine if your company only hired people with little to no experience, and trained them from the ground up. Sure, if done properly, they could be very good at what they were trained to do: what the company has planned for them. However, your company would be missing out on so much more that is out there – people with experience elsewhere, working for other companies, and can offer insight into what worked for them, and perhaps, helping the overall product.

Now, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what I’m getting at here. There’s countless talented, charismatic, and <i>marketable</i> talent not under WWE raps. The independent scene is diverse, and with the likes of ROH and TNA cashing in on it, the WWE is slowly missing the boat. If you read my column regularly, you know why thoughts on ROH & WWE, but I also believe the WWE doesn’t actually do the hunting… they simply pillage. What I’m saying is no matter how good OVW is, it’s still a crutch for the WWE.

A few years back, The Damaja and Doug Basham were in the midst of one of OVW’s hottest EVER feuds. They were at each other’s throat constantly, and frankly, could have been compared to Taz/Sabu, Foley/Hunter, or a host of other classics. Then… the WWE interjected. It seems as if Vince woke up that day, and decided to have a new tag team on his Smackdown roster… so he called up Doug Basham and ‘Danny Basham’, also known as The Damaja. He forced Doug to cut his hair like ‘Danny’, gave them matching outfits, told ‘Danny’ to start wrestling like the less talented and bland Doug, and let them go over the SUPER over & legitimate tag team of Rikishi and Spanky ~!

Now I understand that OVW is there to supply the WWE with new talent. But, that screwed them. You can’t save that in kayfabe. There was a host of other issues such as Nova winning a shot in the Royal Rumble, then the WWE backing out of the idea. Questionably changing Batista’s legitimately over ‘Leviathan’ gimmick to Deacon ‘I have a box of money!!!’ Batista. Eugene. Not letting Rob Conway loose as he should be. So much, that it’s obvious that the WWE doesn’t care what OVW does… what do they know, they’re just our farm league!

There’s so much I just don’t understand. Maybe it’s because I’m a smark, but I don’t see any logic in the events we’ve seen recently. WWE creative can’t come up with anything for the still massively over and most successful tag team of all time but they can figure something for The Heartthrobs? I mean, sure, the Dudleys in boas may not be a good idea, but would it be THAT difficult to have them just come in and put some people through tables? It’s not fucking hard.

I truly am sickened by the WWE releasing people who deserve their spot to give people who aren’t ready. Sure, that may sound like the anti-thesis of the IWC, but when Matt Hardy, Rhyno, All 3 Dudleys, Jimmy Yang, Billy Kidman, Charlie Haas, Shannon Moore, Sean O’Haire, Rico Constantino and a host of others are released in favour of Sylvain Grenier, The Heartthrobs, Rene Dupree, Heidenreich, Tyson Tomko, Garrison Cade, and Orlando Jordan, I’m going to get a little frustrated; not to mention the failures of Matt Morgan, Mark Henry, Mordecai, and Rodney Mac.

Sure, you can go the other direction and point out the people I already have – Batista, Cena, Benjamin, Lesnar, Angle, Orton. But... go on. Try to name someone else with any lasting effects. Hell, Benjamin & Orton are questionable, look what happened to Lesnar, Angle was only there for 3 weeks, and Cena & Batista are recent developments. Maybe Carlito? MNM? Give them a few years, and we’ll see. The fact is, that wasn’t WWE doing good – it was the wrestlers themselves making themselves stars.

And that’s what the WWE is missing: People who are just naturally good. Everything is so forced nowadays. Cena, Batista, HHH, Angle, Austin, Rock, Michaels, Bret, Flair.. they all got over for playing themselves “with the volume turned up”. These people were meant to be wrestlers. No matter what you heard Jim Ross shill, Billy Gunn was not the best ‘pound for pound wrestler’. Orlando Jordan is not ‘the best athlete on Smackdown’. Mark Jindrak’s Vertical Leap won’t vault him into the main event. These people may have the look, but they never will have the passion for the business, the determination to be special, and the aspirations for the unknown that true stars have.

The problem is that the WWE insists that they can train anyone. Hell, look at Tough Enough. All 4 winners from season 1 & 2 have been canned, and only Johnny Nitro is on TV currently. When will the company come to the harsh realisation that there is a massive pool of talent out there that you are FAR better off to drink from? Sure, they may have gotten the likes of Paul London & CM Punk but such acquisitions are few and far between.

What I’m trying to say is the WWE is far too dependant on OVW for their own good. They do good work there, undoubtedly. But, the future is shaky. Jim Cornette has been released. Sure, he may have been an asshole to some people, but the guy was good at his job. And now they’ve opened a Deep South Wrestling? Is this what the wrestling industry really needs… another farm system?

No. Fuck the farm systems. Let the guys cut their teeth on the indys. Let them sleep in the back of a van with 4 other men. Let them eat cans of tuna for dinner. Make them work shows where the promoter doesn’t pay them. Have them do shows in front of 3 people in an elementary school on a frozen lake in Northern Manitoba. Make them realise how good they have it when working for the WWE. The guys with passion will stay for the love of the business; the Brock Lesnars will leave before you need them.

I’m sorry for the serious column here - the funny was not brought today. But damn it, I can’t even joke about this subject. Something NEEDS to be done. I fear it is truly going to harm the WWE in the long run, especially if they fail to get some serious competition soon. Don’t get me wrong – working from within can save you. But being blind to the outside will kill you.

Send feedback to James Walker

White Vans And Candy: (07/04/05) by James Walker

He is mighty. He is strong. He is a formidable champion, unlike the world has ever seen. He has virtues strong as diamonds strung with really thick spider webs. In a league of his own, our man IS the very definition of precision. Flawless in every aspect of his being, every man should strive in their lifetime to do a tenth of what this man does while reading the newspaper. He is THE class act, THE ultimate man… and he’s coming to a town near you.

ON THE ORLANDO JORDAN WORLD TOUR!

Smackdown’s premiere attraction has a message to spread. A message of peace, of love, and of acceptance. A message that can’t be denied! The following is an excerpt from his last outing in Topeka, Iowa.

Orlando Jordan: My friends, I beg of you… WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH CORN NUTS? Is it corn, or is it a nut? Make up your mind, already!

Truly inspirational words to us all.

THE ORLANDO JORDAN WORLD TOUR is so much more though… it’s about the children. The children are the future, and Orlando knows this… so to inspire the children, every hundred tickets that are sold, Orlando will deliver an Official OJ Eagle Pose warming the heartstrings of the world’s young.

Just listen to the rave reviews this marvellous experience has been getting:

He’s just such a beautiful creature.. *sniff*… the story about when his puppy had to go to the vet, well.. choked me up pretty bad. I love the guy, that’s all there is to it.

ORLANDO CURED MY ACNE! … Momentarily…

That Orlando fella… he’s quite the looker. I had a black man once… and by god, we did it all… things got a bit weird when he called his negroes over to join in, but I handled it like a pro…

Mr. Jordan is a class act. He is a superior man to all of us, even me. He is truly an inspiration to us all, and makes me feel about as dirty as Ron Jeremy in Taco Bell.

THE ORLANDO JORDAN WORLD TOUR is something to behold. The message, the people.. but above all else, the holy experience.

See, Orlando is a man of the faith. A man that believes in his rights, as proclaimed by the fore-fathers. A man that believes in the obligation to have prayer in schools, free enterprise in the market place, and that [this song] kicks ass. This is Orlando Jordan: Spokesman for the Klu Klux Klan.

The KKK, after years of being seen as a white supremacist group, is trying to change their image, and what better of a man than the world’s whitest negro. Well, no, Al Roker was too busy stuffing his face full of bacon. But never the less, aside from the whole ‘not being black’ thing, Orlando Jordan is the perfect Klan member… and the group decided that he was perfect for getting the message out there, to the children~!

Orlando Jordan: My brothers… and brothas… let us all unite, in our hatred for the people who hold us down! Let us strike our vengeance upon those who lie in out path, let us fuck some shit up, yo! We are divine, pure and holy… and we’re fuckin’ straight outta Compton! Our message of sanctity, righteousness, and empowerment WILL NOT be denied… niggguuuh!

Orlando Jordan is responsible for the conversion of countless hapless lost souls, creating an uprising of ‘OJaholics’, ‘Jordanites’ and ‘Fucking Morons’. The men, women, and children can be seen everywhere, from doing your floors, doing your taxes, or doing your girlfriend. Just take it from Edge!

Orlando is freakin’ sweet. I love the poofy hair. Sodas don’t rule… OJ RULES!

OJ’s message of life is clear, filtered, and easy to swallow… hell, it’s pulp free! THE ORLANDO JORDAN WORLD TOUR… coming to a town near you, and you dare not miss it. Seriously… you don’t want him angry at you. He’s freakin’ Orlando Jordan.

Send feedback to James Walker

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FEATURED COLUMN

THE 4TH FALL!

by Stephen Rivera

THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).