WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS:
JAMES' DRUNKEN STATE OF WRESTLING ADDRESS!
(11/08/07)
Hey there,
fuckdicks. I know, I know, it’s been a long time since
you heard from me. What can I say? The feds finally
caught up to me, and I was all like "Oh shit", and they
were all like "Bonus, here I come!" You win some, you
lose some. And I lost some – 5-10 years without parole,
to be exact. Sigh.
SO. One thing
you should know: I am GOD DAMN drunk. Seriously. The
only thing sadder than writing for a wrestling satire
website is writing for a wrestling satire website while
HAMMERED… and alone. Sigh. It’s okay, my shipment of GHB
is due in soon, so I’ll get back to the rapin’. Yaaaay,
vagina!
Now… I’m sure
you’re all wonderin’… what the hell is James gonna talk
about? Well, instead of a cute little intro where I
reference Mantaur or some shit like that, I figured I’d
go the lazy (See: fuckin’ drunk) route and give my
thoughts on the current state of wrestling. (SPOILER: IT
SUCKS.)
First, we have
Jawwwwwwwwwwwwwn Cena’s injury! Holy shit, the only
thing that can separate this man from his title is his
shoulder from his body. As much as Cena has grown on the
IWC in the last year, you can’t deny that his
unfortunate situation resulted in some interesting TV..
or can you? WHY YES YOU CAN. Jesus fuck, the WWE had a
prime opportunity to make things interesting by having,
oh I don’t know, anyone but Orton win the title. But
what do they do? THEY GIVE HUNTER AND ORTON THE TITLE.
ON THE VERY GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING BRICK SHITTING
DOUCHE FAGGING NIGHT. Gah, says I. I mean, we all know
Jericho’s return is as imminent as my girlfriend’s
period (seriously. I’m getting nervous here, when the
fuck are you going to bleed, you cock mongrel), so why
not do something unprecedented (see: interesting) and
give the SOB the title, just to make me want to tune in
for something beyond a 2 minute headlock exchange? Hell
if I know.
But from all
this, you’d think I’m a WWE-a-phobe. But oh no! As much
shit as I give the WWE, TNA is, far, far worse. K, so
let me get this straight. Angle hates Sting because he’s
not what he used to be, so Kurt decks Sting’s son, so
Sting hates Angle. Fair enough. But then, Karen Angle is
all like "oooh, I’ll fuck any one who’s giving you
troubles", and Kurt is all like "*NO RESPONSE DUE TO
WRITING NOT THINKING THAT FAR AHEAD*". Then Kevin Nash
is all like "Hey now, I’m interjecting myself because I
feel like powerbombing this company to the WWE’s
development system", and BEHOLD: The program that shall
last us until rating dip below a 1.0. When the hell will
TNA realize that until they start booking for, you know,
the future – because when Sting says "hey assholes, I’m
out of here in a few months.", it means a little more
then when Rikishi is all ike "MUST. FEED. ASS. – they’ll
never actually attract NEW fans.? Hell if I know, but
whatever, TNA gives me an excuse to bitch about non
Vince, - which happens about as much as, say Stephanie
McMahon good idea.
Enough of the
rampaging negativity; let’s talk about what’s good!
GOOD:
1)MVP vs
Hardy
2)Santino
Marella
3)JBL
Seriously,
these four are the only reason why I even consider
watching WWE TV nowadays. I’d love to say CM Punk, Shawn
Michaels, Rey Mysterio, and al. were on this list, but
for Christ sake, there’s only so many times I can stand
Austin cock-teases before I just get fed up with the
whole situation. What I wouldn’t do for Abe
"Knuckleball" Shwartz to TV again, and manage.. umm…
anyone… to single’s success. Anyone, at all, ever.
That’d be swell, because by the time he returned to the
states, his worth had quadrupled (that’s what you get,
poor Michigan economy~!) in the negative direction, GOOD
LUCK BUYING STOCKS, NOW, FUCKER. C’EST LA
LIFE.
So where does
this leave your friendly neighbourhood drunken
columnist? Well, in a state of "I don’t give a fuck".
And truth be told, it’s pretty accurate. Because, if
it’s not clear by my raging inactivity for the last,
umm, year, I honestly stopped giving a damn about what’s
going on. Who the fuck gives a damn if Finlay is
attacking Rey with a shileFUCKITSASTICK.? Gah, honestly.
I’m begging for a match, a character, for someone to
make me stand up and say "I want to bring interest to
this city". But you guys are wrestling fans, to which it
translates to "IM A LOSER". True story.
What was the
point of this? Hell if I know. I just wanted to make fun
of any cocksnack who thinks that HBK vs Orton is
entertaining. PS, it ain’t. It wasn’t 3 years ago, it
isn’t now, and it won’t be when Michaels’ hairline is on
the small of his back. Just sayin’.
That’s all I
got for you cum-dumpsters today. Check me out in, um,
whenever I feel like it, when I’ll further downgrade and
sense of self-esteem to "I’m a loser". God, I can’t
wait.
