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WRITING UNDER THE
INFLUENCE
It's been awhile, I
know, but I have good news. I got accepted into two
Masters programs recently after busting my ass with
paperwork. It feels good to feel like I'm doing
something useful again. Tonight I watched a match that
made me feel a similar kind of awesome, and that was the
Bret Hart - Steve Austin "I Quit" match at Wrestlemania
13.
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Watch this match.
Seriously, along with Benoit - Angle at Royal Rumble, it
is truly on another level. It is the perfect example of
how wrestling should be booked; it was the only match
worth watching on a terrible pay-per-view, which is
ironically the only PPV that I ever purchased. I was
like fourteen and still thinking it sucked. Time does
always bring appreciation. But as lousy as that Psycho
Sid period was, it produced a wonderful feud between
Steve Austin and Bret Hart. It was a blowoff moment and
a grudge match between two guys who seemed to absolutely
hate each other. To settle the score, they booked an I
Quit match on the under card and stole the show. Ken
Shamrock was the referee; this was when he was new and
seemed like a legit tough guy, other than a bad actor
and a jackass. This pre-sold the fact that the match
would be so wild, they would need a ref who could
actually stop these guys from beating the
shit out of
each other. So the fans knew it would be totally brutal
to begin with. And these guys delivered. First, both
guys were hugely over with the crowd with Hart as a Face
and Austin as the heel. They both popped huge, and when
you pop at Wrestlemania, it's like a thousand times
bigger than when you pop Smackdown. Or ECW.
Side note. Christian
Cage. Former Champ. History with Edge, Champ. History
with Matt Hardy, former Champ. Heel brother of Jeff
Harvey, former champ, who also has history with Edge and
Christion. Christian returns to WWE. Their return plan?
Put him on the fucking SCI FI NETWORK (!!!) and give him
a feud with Jack Swagger, a rookie champ. It's a title
picture, but way, way the wrong title picture. Think
about it. Christian and Jeff team up against Edge and
Matt? Reversing the roles of one of the biggest series
of matches in modern Dub history? Not only that, but it
would provide an actual reason to have a tag team
division anymore. John Morrison and the Miz have
improved greatly, both in the ring and on the mic, and
the Colons' name is fun to say aloud. Push four teams
together. Then unify the titles. Let's face it, there
aren't many teams anymore. Two belts is one too many.
Make it competitive and it will give you a reason to
book it. Unlike now. It's like a dead shark. It has to
constantly move forward or it dies. And what we have on
our hands here is a dead shark.
Austin attacked Hart
right at the opening bell, which set the tone for the
rest of the match. Austin got the first move, but Hart
was able to fight back, which turned the early minutes
of the match into a fight that spilled into the audience
as the two just beat the living hell out of each other.
First lesson, psychology.
Both guys worked a very different style: Austin a
brawler, Hart a technician (which explains his pink
safety glasses). But they were able to go toe to toe on
sheer toughness. But the fact that it was an I Quit
match meant they had to push each other to the absolute
limit.
Second lesson: respect.
Look at Michaels-Hogan as an extreme example of the
standard face Hogan match. You can tell when the guys
who are working don't respect each other, and I think
all the fans can tell. These guys both sold like
champions and came out looking like Iron Men. At least,
way more than the lame as hell Iron Man match between
Michaels and Hart was. Joe-Punk it ain't. The crowd dug
it as a result, and turned what could have been a
typical mid-card feud into main event material. Name one
really good feud in WWE lately. None really seem to same
have that same kind of potential. The booking seems very
steadfast lately, and it's more about doing what Vince
wants than what the fans want.
Hart then took control of
the brawl and was able to start working the mat, going
after Austin's knee brace to set up the Sharpshooter.
Yet Austin wouldn't give up. And like Luke Skywalker
wearing black, our hero Bret brought a chair and a ring
bell in the ring and used them on Austin. This was a
subtle hint at a heel turn, with the fan favorite
suddenly fighting dirty, even though out of necessity.
And because Bret was getting heat, Austin was getting
equally over as the good guy, simply because he still
wouldn't submit. Bret was getting desperate; makes
sense, unlike most heel turns these days. I remember
seeing Wrestlemania 25 in a movie theatre with my
roommate.
Side note: Go see a pay
per view in a theatre at least once. It's like being in
a satellite crowd, and equally ridiculous. We were the
only people over twelve and under forty. And it was
awesome, seeing guys mark out and scream "Thank you
God...Thank you John...Thank you John Cena." He sounded
like he was about to cry. You can't make this kind of
stuff up.
And we made a joke about
Chavo congratulating Rey for winning the belt then
hitting him with a chair, then spinning around confused
why nobody even cares enough to boo him. And surely it
happened a few months later. I forget if it was a chair.
But it got the same reaction and the same result. Bret
started working more and more as a heel in a gradual
build, fighting more and more brutal to make Austin
quit. Austin suddenly became the hero, refusing to give
up despite getting busted open and his legs crippled.
Finally, the match ended when Austin passed out in a
tenacious Sharpshooter and Shamrock rang the bell. Hart
refused to break the hold though, forcing Shamrock to
suplex him off. It was the perfect finish, not just
because it justified having a special referee (and
getting Shamrock as the only guy who could stop Hart),
but because the way that they had teased Bret's heel
turn, they had to go all the way on it. And because
Austin was so valiant as an opponent of Bret's, he
became a face for withstanding it for almost a half
hour.
Another lesson. Time.
What's the deal with match lengths these days? I don't
watch Raw because I don't give a goddamn about the
stories. I want to see matches, and I don't think I'm
the only fan of the product who thinks so. Is the
"shocking" revelation that Stephanie and Triple H are
married that important if it means giving Regal and Punk
four minutes, sometimes less?
Side note. Vince, listen
up. You know that Shane-Stephanie relationship you once
considered pushing? Better: have Steph and H be married
onscreen awhile and then have an angry Vince that H is
actually Vince's son, one of those great mysteries,
right up there with GTV.
Seriously. Will Regal is
forty. He has dumb hair, dumb outfits, and he is one of
the ten best workers on the planet when given the time
to shine. Punk is younger, but you can say many of the
same things. But to shine and reach their potential they
need more than five minutes between segments. What is
this, Nitro?
So looking it over,
Hart-Austin was not only perfectly booked, but perfectly
executed. It's less of a match and more like a four act
story, the tragedy of the Hitman's fall from grace. Why
don't moments like this happen anymore?
Watch the match, you'll
know what I mean.
Drew
Kannegiesser lives in Toronto. He can quote Simpsons
episodes verbatim, can kick your ass at trivia and cured
his Aides of smallpox. He can be reached at
thedocta_@hotmail.com
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