*** Sean Carless neglects to be with us this evening, because he felt too uncomfortable...
Welcome to Wrestlemania! The Grand Daddy of Them All! Wait. Them All? Man, that Wrestlemania
really gets around. What a whore.
Fun Fact: Wm 2, 13 and 22 are the only Wrestlemanias to not be written in Roman Numerals.
They coincidentally also came from Chicago in some shape or form.
Funner Fact: I’m not wearing pants. Ok, this isn’t really that fun of a fact.
In fact, the whole situation pretty much has my guests horrified. But Screw them! This shit is 4 hours long and I gots to
be comfortable.
Anyway, we open up the festivities, and for those of us who may have forgotten what country
we live in, and just how beautiful it apparently is, here’s Michelle
Williams to open up things with a delightful rendition of America
The Beautiful. And man, she sure looks a lot different than she did on Dawson’s Creek! It’s amazing what a little make up and a complete change of ethnicity can do! Ok,
I’ll shut up now.
Onto the show~!
Wrestlemania opening montage airs, and it actually features Randy Savage and Ultimate Warrior
in various clips! Wow. Apparently Wrestlemania had moments other than HBK sliding to the ring on a pulley glide and Hulk Hogan
and Andre in a fucking staring contest. Who knew?
Chris Masters & Carlito AKA “Green Apples” Vs. (C) Well
it's the Big Show & Kane: World Tag team Championships of the umm, world on the line!
This was an odd choice for
opener, considering the potential sucktitude factor. My biggest intrigue here other than trying to figure out just why Kane
& Big Show are even partners (although, I guess if you have skillets for hands like Big Show, a guy who can produce fire
from his hands would come in handy to utilize them), is of course Big Show’s vaunted Bizarro Undertaker streak, that
has seen Show lose every single Wrestlemania match he’s ever had. It's true. Big Show can't buy a win at Wrestlemania.
Unfortunately, he can still buy groceries though, then cook them up with his SKILLET HANDS. Perhaps having hands akin
to devices used to prepare large portions of food have contributed to Show's weight problems? Maybe.
Anyway, there seems to be a very strong Carlito contingent here tonight, as Kane &
Show are hardly getting the big babyface reaction I expected. I mean, if you can't cheer a 7 foot demon who has on many
occasions attempted to burn people alive, just whom can you cheer for?
In any event, the champs dominate early, with Kane mowing down both challengers on the floor
with his top rope clothesline of good intentions. Show then drags Carlito back in by his pubic-like mane, but the
tide turns when Show is sent (typewriter-like) head first into an exposed buckle. Masters and Carlito then hit a sloppy flapjack,
but then try to double suplex Show, but to no avail. Weird. Cena can FU Show, but two dudes can’t suplex
him? (And Vince can overpower Cena on RAW? Which of course makes Vince McMahon the STRONGEST MAN IN THE UNIVERSE. PLUS, women
love him too! He’s awesome! And not just because he wrote it that way!!). Anyway, Show of course counters the suplex
into a double one of his own, and makes the hot (HIYO) tag to Kane who cleans house. And I mean, literally. He turns
Carlito upside down and uses his bountiful afro as a swiffer. Ok, maybe not. Anyway, Kane then goes up for another
clothesline of good intentions (just ignore the part where he lands on his feet first) but Masters catches him,
and gets the masterlock… but Show saves Kane... to boos. THESE PEOPLE PAID TO SEE A FULL NELSON, AND HOW DARE YOU TAKE
THAT WAY FROM THEM.
From there, Carlito gets his backbreaker on Kane, and Masters clips Show’s knee to
send him out. Kane then recovers and grabs Carlito by the throat, but Masters
goes up top and comes off to break the goozle with a sledge, but strikes Carlito by accident. SHADES OF BOB ORTON AT WRESTLEMANIA
1! And that's it. The only comparison. EVER. Dear lord. Kane then disposes of Masters immediately, and officially ends
the match with a choke slam. NOOOOOO! Big Show’s streak is over! He’s no longer the Event’s biggest loser.
Tito Santana, welcome back my friend. Show’s been keeping your seat warm for you, with an ass that can presumably
reach even greater temperatures than his kitchen appliance hands.
Winners & still champions: Big Show & Kane; who no doubt are currently celebrating
their big win by hilariously pushing produce through Big Show’s rings, just because.
/5
-Coach is backstage, and interviews HBK. Michaels states that tonight’s match won’t be a
five star affair. He then says tonight you won’t see the HBK of 1995. And the reason you won't see THAT Shawn
Michaels because, despite his best efforts to master the art of time travel, without the vaunted flux capacitor, it’s
just not possible. Ok, he only said the first part, whatever. Anyway to bottom line things, he promises to take Vince to his
own personal Hell. Hey, why is Vince so special that he gets his own personal Hell, while the rest of us have to share?...
Ric Flair Vs. Rob Van Dam Vs. Shelton
Benjamin Vs. Finlay Vs. Lashley Vs. Matt Hardy: Money in the Bank Ladder Match!
The obvious favorite to scale the dreaded “200 pound
ladder” as of Monday night is obviously Flair. But one has to wonder if Flair actually wins, if he will be
disappointed when it turns out there’s not actually any money in there. Poor bastard could probably use it about now.
But hey, maybe it’s for the best. Beth Flair and the IRS are probably poised outside the arena ready to tackle him and
scurry off into the night with said briefcase anyway. Maybe it's for the best.
This match had the potential to be a clusterfuck, but actually ended
up being a fun little match. Spot of the match once again went to Shelton Benjamin
(who ironically enough is in the EXACT same spot he was last year) when he ran up an inclined ladder that was set up against
the ropes and delivered a huge Senton that wiped out RVD, Hardy, Lashley & Flair. Speaking of Flair, once back inside,
Ric fucking Flair took a superplex by Matt Hardy OFF THE LADDER. At 57. With a broken back. Damn. My Dad can barely bend over
to grab the Newspaper, and this guy's getting slammed off ladders. (I’ll have to throw Dad off something high just to
see if he sells it with as much class.). Anyway, Flair plays up that he’s blown out his knee, and the referees throw
up the dreaded X sign. Flair is then helped to the back. However, after only a few minutes, Flair is back! Man, if only more
elderly had the same awesome recuperative powers. You'd be able to actually get a fucking doctor's appointment for once without
worrying about waiting some 2 hours while a slew of white hairs get their monthly Flu shots. Wait. What were we talking about
again?
Oh ya,
Flair returns. And he is met by Finlay, who eats Flair’s chop. Flair then squares off with Benjamin. YES!
FLAIR IS BRINGING THE CHOPS AND SHELTON THE T-BONE'S. Normally, you'd think that'd be a pretty kick ass little Barbecue,
but you'd be wrong. Oh so wrong. Anyway, Flair dumps Shelton out and over with a big chop. Flair
then climbs the ladder in the ensuing chaos, but Finlay nails him with the shillelagh. Then forces him into white Irish slavery
as he exits the ship looking for opportunity in the new world. Or not. The shillelagh threw me.
Benjamin
and Finlay then climb up, but Lashley shoves them over and gives Shelton
a Dominator, which despite what you may have heard was actually invented by Dominatrixes. They drip candle wax on your balls,
and pick you up upside down and violently slam you stomach first to the ground. True story.
From
there, Van Dam then prevents Lashley from grabbing the briefcase with a Van Daminator off the top rope to the back. Finlay and Hardy then try to climb up, but Finlay gets hit with a Side Effect off the
top. RVD now materializes for more of his token (tokin’?) offense when he squashes Finlay with a Five Star Frog splash
off the ladder. Things look like clear sailing for Rob from here, but Shelton
flies into the frame and lands on the ladder and the two duke it out. Matt Hardy then recovers from "not dying" (but boy is
his funeral gonna be awkward when he does) and the three do battle on top. Rob then tips them over and grabs the briefcase.
Wow. Surprisingly great match where the right guy went over.
Winner: Rob Van Dam. Just imagine how much pot that briefcase will hold. I hope its lead-lined!
/5
-Backstage,
Mean Gene is interviewed by Josh Matthews, but is interrupted by Randy Orton. Orton puts himself over, but here’s 3/8th’s
of what was Batista to call him out, and say that whomever wins the title tonight is just ‘keeping it warm for
him’. He then says, "speaking of warmth, anyone got a jacket, I’m freezing! I only weight 150 pounds now!" Ahem.
-We now get the Hall of Fame roll call… except Bret who is announced as being “too
uncomfortable” to appear. I’ll just pretend they meant because his pants were too tight. Because it amuses me.
Anyway, The Blackjacks, Sherri Martel, William “I ate everything in the Refrigerator” Perry, Tony Atlas, Gene
Okerlund & Vicki Guerrero on behalf of Eddie, all come out to bask in their moment. Huge Eddie chant erupts. And somewhere,
someplace, Bret is comfortable. I seek solace in that.
JBL w/ Jillian Hall Vs. (C)Chris Benoit w/o reputable dental plan: U.S. Title match!
JBL gets a special hydraulic entrance that lifts the ramp so his limo can pull out. And speaking
of pulling out, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention how cute Jillian Hall looked in her little cowboy hat. It’s
funny how much hotter a woman can get just by having cancer gnawed off their face by a deranged voodoo priest. You go girl.
In any event, the pace of this match is set to METHODICAL, but things ultimately pick up
when JBL hilariously pantomimes Eddie Guerrero’s mannerisms, including the silliest fucking triple verticals ever. I’d
admit to how much I love this man, but I’m afraid what he might do to me if this information got out. Anyway, Benoit
then hits his own Three Amigos and goes up for the headbutt, and it connects! However, that only gets two. JBL quickly back
on offense from there, and goes for the Clothesline from Hell's kitchen, but Benoit ducks, and goes for a German (not this), but JBL grabs the ref to save himself. JBL then charges for the second Clothesline, but Benoit once again side-steps and
applies the crossface. Tazz and Cole say that JBL may have no choice but to tap here, and I must admit, I’d love to
see a little soft shoe dance number from the big man. SHOW US THOSE JAZZ HANDS, JBL! Oh they meant… never
mind. Just then though (in about the time it took me to write that stupid joke), JBL quickly gets to his knees while still
in the hold and rolls through into a pinning combo (Benoit never released the hold)
grabbing the ropes and getting the pin!
Winner & new U.S.
Champion: JBL. Living proof that dreams can indeed still come true for affluent rich white people. Oh.
/5
-Mick Foley/Edge vignette now. Mick Foley yells that Edge has awoken something inside of him.
Well, that explains the weight gain. Foley ate somebody and now they want to come back out! Makes sense to me.
Mick Foley w/ multiple personalities Vs. Edge w/ multiple STDS? (and
Lita) : HARDCORE match!
For this match, Joey Styles~! calls the action with King, as JR briefly steps aside, to presumably
come up with even more livestock to parable the impending action to.
Foley comes out and he’s wearing black plaid.
I imagine this is what Foley wears to funerals. Anyway, Edge attacks Mick right away, and swings at him with a baseball
bat, but Foley ducks, and ties Edge up in the Tree of Woe, which I mention to my friends is probably what Joey Lawrence calls
all the foliage on his property. I then awkwardly back out of my living room Kool-aid guy style when I get no reaction. Lita
then slides a cookie sheet to Edge who wallops Mick. Normally, I'd ask just what in the fuck a COOKIE SHEET would
be doing randomly under a ring, but when Rob Van Dam's on the card, you never know when he might get a sudden case of the
munchies and need to whip up a quick treat. SO, YOU SEE, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Clearly.
That said, Edge hits a spear, but collapses in a painful heap himself, selling his shoulder.
It’s then revealed that Mick is wearing barbed wire around his waist. And much like the superplex, it’s never
explained why this hurts Edge and not the dude wearing it like an inner tube around his vital organs. Edge then does
color on his arm! That’s dedication to your craft, folks. From there, Foley ties Edge in the ropes and then grabs the
barbed-wire bat, but Lita jumps on his back. However, Foley just clotheslines Edge out and over Cactus-style while Lita is
still clung to his back, and all three spill out! Awesome.
On the floor, Edge sets up a table but changes his mind, and instead awkwardly whips Foley
into the stairs. Back inside, Edge squirts Mick with lighter fluid, but Foley counters with a stuff piledriver. Wait. Piledriver?
Didn’t you listen to Linda McMahon’s decree? DOESN’T MICK KNOW THOSE END CAREERS? (unlike falls off high
objects, fire and millions of tacks). Anyway, Lita once again interferes, allowing Edge to grab the pillow case full of thumbtacks
(worst Halloween Ever~!) and dump them on the mat. However, Foley counters an Edge attempt to send him into them, and takes
a belly to back suplex into the tacks himself! That’s bravery right there. But then again, he never looked back when
he plunged himself into Lita, and we know which has the more long-term hardcore ramifications, so it’s all good. Foley
then pulls out Socko and wraps him in barbed wire and gives Edge the mandible claw. Lita tries to stop the assault so Foley
gives her one too! Man, if this was TSN, we’d now be privy to a random 1998 crowd shot! Foley grabs the barbwire
bat next and hits a nice shot to Edge’s midsection, then a great shot to the head. I must mention that both men are bleeding buckets
here.
Anyway, Foley finds the lighter fluid and goes outside to the table that was set up earlier,
and douses it. Lita in an attempt to give Edge another advantage sneaks in a shot to Foley’s knee with the barbwire
bat while he was on the apron. With Foley doubled over, Lita quickly finishes squeezing out the fluid (as she is accustomed
to) and lights the table on fire! Just then, Edge charges Foley who is still on the apron with a torpedo spear and BOTH men
go through the flaming table~!! Edge then recovers first, and after some awesome selling, gets the pin. AWESOME match. Great
psychology and a brutal finish. Great stuff.
Foley gets a standing ovation after the match.
Winner: Edge, who is now 5-0 at WM. YOU THINK YOU KNOW HIM? Actually, we kinda do. He wrote
a tell-all book and we even know who he secretly put his dick in. Perhaps it's time to change that jingle.
/5
-Booker T. and Sharmell are walking backstage. They run into a variety of “freaks”
including Paul Birchill, Goldust, Gene Snitsky, who’s sucking Mae Young’s toes (Moolah was there too) , Eugene
and Ted DiBiase, whose face has apparently given birth to Tiger Chung Lee. Goldust (dressed apparently as Oprah) tries to
give Mr & Mrs T. advice as it pertains to the Boogeyman. He pleads that Booker just accept the worm and hide it in a [secret]
place. This is what I usually tell all my dates. Doesn’t usually work out too great.
Boogeyman w/ coming & getting Vs. Sharmell and Booker T w/ a craving
for Wendy’s that can never be legally quenched;
Oh dear lord. This match stunk worse than a bag of broken assholes. Somehow me thinks
Boogeyman needs to “come and get” some more wrestling training. If Boogeyman's whole shtick is to scare
his potential opponents to death, perhaps showing a looping video of himself attempting to chain wrestle would be the
best way to accomplish that goal. Just saying.
Anyway, Booker forces Sharmell to start, but it’s a ruse and Booker blindsides
Boogey, hitting a quick Book-end, but Boogey kicks out. Boogey then ducks an attempted Booker scissors kick, and goes after
Sharmell, pulling out the worms then kissing her while he had them in his mouth. Boogeyman then finishes BT with the old A-Train
Derailer double handed choke-bomb. How apropos that a hold that conveys a complete and total train wreck would finish this
match.
Winner: Boogeyman. Apparently Boogeyman is injured and needs surgery. I'M THE ORTHOPAEDIC
SURGEON AND I'M COMIN' TO GET YOU! But hey, one has to wonder what’s next for him. And one has to also wonder
why WWE hasn't had Boogeyman and Scotty 2 Hotty awkwardly cross
paths. It just seems natural. And the best part? If God forbid cancer ever comes back for Scotty, Boogey could just eat his
cancerous nutsack, and by WWE booking logic, PERMANENTLY RID HIM OF THE DISEASE! It's a great fallback plan if you ask me.
/5
-We get a video package for Trish Vs. Mickie James. Kind of like Single White Female, only
without the all important nudity.
(C) Trish Stratus Vs. Mickie James: WWE Women’s Title match
At this point, Trish is really starting to become the Hulk Hogan of the women’s division.
She’s blond, orange, always has her friends betray her, and most importantly NEVER FUCKING LOSES. Now, if only
she’d pull a Hulk and tear her shirt off, I’d be willing to forgive this, bruther. Anyway, crowd gets behind
Mickie, as I too would like to for a wildly different reason, and JR is perplexed. As the match goes on, and the Mickie support
grows, JR tells us that the crowd was DEFIANT. Damn you Chicago for cheering for whatever you want! Anyway, Trish misses a
chick kick early on and it hits the post. From there, Mickie works the leg, and emotes awesomely her insane character while
doing so. From there, Trish briefly comes back, and with Mickie set up on the ropes, attempts the Stratusphere, but Mickie
just shoves her off and Trish’s knee hits the mat hard. Trish then goes to the well again, this time going for the Stratusfaction,
but Mickie grabs her box. Seriously. I’m talking full on groping. Mickie then makes me a fan for life by breaking out
the cunnilingus gesture making this the greatest Wrestlemania moment in History. Fuck your boyhood dream Shawn Michaels! I share the same dream as
Mickie! A dream of Trish’s loins.
Anyway, this sends Trish off the deep end, but she botches the matrix move. Good thing she’s
not running with Neo and the gang. The revolution would be over right there. From there, Mickie drops Trish into her own knee,
then looks for her own stratusfaction, but that too gets botched , so she settles for a chick kick to pick up the win.
Winner: EVERYONE. (and Mickie James the *NEW* women’s champion.).
/5
Vince McMahon, Fat Steph (If she’s eating for two, this kid better weigh 150 pounds),
Linda and Shane are all seen. Vince then leads a family prayer. “God…let's face it, I don't like you, and you
don't like me” he hilariously states. He then goes on to say that tonight
he’ll send HBK down to the depths of Hell. Wow. You don’t think Vince would really send Shawn Michaels to OVW
would you? Haha.
Undertaker w/ darkside powers! Vs. Mark Henry, powerful umm, darkie?
(just kidding): CASKET MATCH.
I don’t know about you,
but I've been clamoring for an Undertaker vs. Mark Henry meeting for YEARS. Only in my version, it's an actual mortician preparing
Mizark's lifeless body for that final journey. Glad we cleared that up.
Hey,
it’s the druids! Where the fuck would you find these guys in Chicago?
Who knew this was Druid country? Anyway, this match wasn’t as bad as one would expect. Partly because
half of Undertaker’s WM legacy is fighting useless loads like Henry.
With that said, and with respect for Taker, even the movie Titanic had a less predictable
ending than this. And God bless Undertaker; if he was going to be forced to wrestle a throw away match like this, he sure
as shit wasn’t giving Mizark anything, and he did not; bar one “world’s strongest slam”. Ahem.
Good thing for Mark, the other dozen or so dudes who beat his ass at the Olympics don't use a powerslam. That'd just be
awkward for everybody. However, after taking the slam, Taker rallies, and countered a Henry mounted-corner
punching into a very impressive powerbomb. He then hit an incredible suicide dive over the ropes (and the casket), then
finally crushed him with the tombstone, easily rolling him into the casket for win number 14.
Winner: Undertaker. Taker worked fast and hustled. More than I can say for Mizark, who kinda
phoned it in. (Too bad it wasn’t a long distance call if you know what I mean…).
/5
-Vince/ HBK vignette is shown. A feud built entirely around one man’s ass? So much
for winning that argument that "wrestling isn't gay" now.
Vince McMahon Vs. Shawn Michaels: No Holds USED err, barred match!
Holy shit did Vince cook in the tanning beds this weekend. He makes Hulk Hogan look like
fucking Powder in comparison. (And let’s just hope Vince had the good sense to leave his camera phone at home this time...).
Anyway, before the match, Vince unveils a poster-sized Muscle and Fitness cover of himself,
but HBK takes offense to this, and comes after Vince, eventually busting it over his head. The Spirit Squad then hits the
ring, and attack Shawn, each grabbing a limb and throwing him in the air and slamming him down hard. Funny, I dated a cheerleader
once. I don't remember her and 4 friends ever tossing me into the air and kicking my ass. Maybe they've changed the curriculum?
From there, HBK rallies after Kenny misses a huge top rope leg drop, and gets the cone from
Mitch and clobbers everyone with it, before tossing Kenny over the ropes for an insane over sell plancha onto the other Squad
members on the floor. However, as soon as HBK turns around, he runs into Vince’s clothesline. Vince then hilariously
starts tuning up the band, presumably from the big band era, but Michaels catches the foot, and goes to work on
Vince, hitting the flying forearm, whipping him with Vince's own belt, then dropping the elbow. HBK starts tuning up his own
band, but Shane McMahon sneaks into the ring and delivers a cane shot to Michaels from behind. From there, Vince drops his
pants, and instructs Shane to ram HBK’s face into his ass, but HBK blocks the attempt, and unknown to Vince, rubs Shane’s
grill into his taint instead.
HBK then retrieves some ridiculous handcuffs from Shane that had like a 3 foot chain
on them, that I’m *guessing* might not be police issue (“Man, I have no idea how the perps keep escaping from
the squad car!”). HBK ends up cuffing Shane to the bottom rope, so he can cane the shit out of Vince. HBK then looks
like he’ll finish Vince with the sweet chin music, but stops short and gets a ladder from under the ring instead, and
hits Vince hardway with it. He once again teases the SCM, but once again stops to go get some more hardcore weapons including
some trash cans, and a table. HBK then sets up the ladder, and places Vince on the table, but he changes his mind AGAIN, and
goes out one more time and finally grabs a 15 ladder that Lawler insists is 30 feet. The “12 foot HBK” (in Lawler’s
world, anyway) then places a trash can over Vince’s head, sets him up on the table, and climbs the super ladder, CRUSHING
Vince with the big elbow, before finally finishing Vince with the chin music after he pulled himself from the debris.
Winner: Shawn Michaels. Somehow I doubt we’ll hear the same promo he cut after Summer
Slam last year, about being forced to "carry an old man". Call me crazy.
/5
-Wrestlemania 23 is announced as being from Detroit’s Ford Field. Bigger Time?
(C)Kurt Angle w/ broken freakin’ neck Vs. Rey Mysterio w/ the phantom
of Eddie Guerrero Vs. Randy Orton w/ a bottomless pit of chinlocks : WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE on the line!
Rey is up first sung to the ring by P.O.D. I’m just glad they’re apparently
Christians, because only Jesus could forgive them for writing that song. Anyway, Rey comes out and he’s wearing…
wait, what the fuck is he wearing? Either Bjork is suddenly dressing this motherfucker, or The Sorceress from He-Man is knocked
out somewhere , face down and naked.
Anyway, Orton and Angle come out next, and it’s on. This is of course a triple threat
match, so when Randy gets winded, at least he can roll to the floor and sell, rather than treating us to a whirling dervish
of various chinlocks and rest holds. In any event, all three men tear into each other, and strangely start going into high
spots like 30 seconds into the match when Angle starts delivering Germans, including a really insane dangerous one (not this guy) to Rey, that saw him practically sault out of the ring. Eventually, Rey-Rey rallies after ramming Angle’s head into
Orton’s groin, as Orton was prone sitting on the top, then goes for the 619; but much like on SmackDown, Angle catches
both legs, and quickly snares Rey in the ankle lock. Rey actually taps out, but Orton has the referee distracted. The same
fate soon awaits Randy, who eventually finds himself trapped in the ankle lock by Kurt, and he too taps, but Rey ties the
ref up as well. An infuriated Angle then throws Rey into the post, but turns around right into the RKO, but Angle still kicks
out! Orton tries to go up top next, but Angle does his running throw and sends Orton FLYING. Unfortunately though, Angle seeks
refuge in the ropes, allowing Rey, who’s on the floor, to surprise Angle with an around-the-post-619, but Rey slipped,
so he improvised and just kicked Kurt in the face.
From there, Rey then hits a springboard senton that gets a two on Angle, but Orton sneaks
in from behind and gets his patented backbreaker/neckbreaker on Rey. Things look bleak for Rey at this point, but Angle now
sneaks up behind Orton and gets the Angle Slam for two. Rey then comes back in and sends Kurt to the floor, and drops Orton
into the 619 position, and gets it, before finally dusting off the West Coast Pop to become the smallest Heavyweight Champion
in Wrestling history. Wow. Good, but surprisingly short match. It felt like the beginning and some of the middle
were axed off. Kind of like Rey's legs.
Winner & NEW World not-so-heavyweight Champion: REY MYSTERIO. I really wanted to see
Rey put on the belt, if only to see a shot of only the top of his head and the bottom of his feet, but no dice. Oh well. Anyway,
Rey celebrates with Chavo and Vicki who congratulate him on his big win at the top of the ramp, as Eddie and a digitally
inserted Anakin Skywalker watch on.
/5
-Backstage, we see Cena getting dressed, and then we cut away to a phantom pair of hands
giving HHH the world’s most lingering massage. Hey, get a room already torsoless hands!
- We shoot back to Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler; and Jim Ross babbles on, EXPLAINING WHAT WWE
FEELS IS THE LOGICAL REASON WHY YOU DON’T LOVE JOHN CENA. It’s apparently because the crowd is filled with “pure”
wrestling fans, which is hilariously backhanded because that would mean the remaining Cena fans have no concept of wrestling
whatsoever. Although, try going into WWE's chat room sometime. You'll find out the hard way how true that is.
-But first, it’s time for the Playboy Pillow Fight! And only in the WWE would something
labeled “Playboy” feature fully clothed women. Too bad too, because I really was hoping for some skin if only
so I could break out this WWE.com inspired announcement:
“I’ve just come to terms on the release of
my penis. I wish my semen well in all future endeavors.”
Torrie w/ Chloe Vs. Candice Michelle w/ a strange unknown Oriental
woman on the cover of her Playboy magazine.
Apparently this match can only end in pinfall OR submission. Which I
find hilarious. God have mercy on the poor hapless sap who taps out in a match filled with throw pillows. “I Quit! I
just can’t take anymore of these ungodly plush weightless objects gingerly hitting me with feather-like ferocity!
WOULD SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH!"
Anyway, Torrie backdrops Candice on the bed to start. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, SHE'S BROKEN
IN HALF. *Surprisingly* the whole thing just
gets sillier from there. At one point, Torrie grabs Chloe and rubs the poor dog’s nether regions in Candice’s
face, then literally hurls the dog back out, as someone from PETA likely curses the screen, before going back to eating a
soy sandwich and knitting a nifty hemp necklace. From there, Candice gets one of her two moves, the hanging choke on the ropes
(the other is the stroke, which considering she was just in Playboy is actually kind of ironic), then the two strip each
other. At one point the bed gets flipped over, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t see Finlay’s shillelagh under
there (seriously). But heaven forbid these women use a dangerous weapon when you can use pillows! Too bad. In the world
of porn, when two half naked women rolling around, suddenly discover an oblong wooden object, this usually
leads to some pretty exciting scenarios. Not this time, though. Oh well. That said, Torrie gets the surprising win after a school girl roll up. (Jerry Lawler invented
it.).
Winner: Torrie Wilson. Apparently too much loving can hurt somebody. Despite the lies Candice’s
song suggests. Ever let a fat girl ride missionary? What this has to with anything, I don’t know. I just have that fucking
theme in my head now. Damn you, Candice.
/5
HHH w/ a peeved Jesus waiting for his ass in upwards of 40 years Vs. (C)John Cena w/ one peeved recapper if he retains; WWE
TITLE MATCH!
Triple H comes out to a new Motörhead intro. But it turns out it’s just an intro to
the intro. See, that’s how much stroke this guy has. He can thaw out Lemmy once a year, and actually have him write
a song just to intro another song. And hey, here’s HHH elevating from the ramp-way, and OH MY GOD~!. Hahaha! Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Conan the Company Destroyer! (sequel to Conan the Politician). Complete
with furry loin cloth, crown, leather accessories, and BY GAWD, the biggest, most comical hammer in existence, sitting on
a throne. Somehow, I’m wishing he’d go back to the sacrilege of just parodying Jesus, because come on, dude.
You could actually see people laughing hysterically in the front row.
Next up is Cena...or not. Hey, it’s an A&E special on the history of the Mafia!
Which somehow, WWE has correlated into John Cena. If this whole stupid angle ends with him wearing cement overshoes though
and sinking to the bottom of the ocean, I'll accept it whole heartedly. And here comes a 1920’s car filled with HOODLUMS!
And hahaha, there’s CM Punk dressed as a gangster hanging off the side of the car! Imagine all the bootlegged Pepsi
there’d be if this guy was around back then! And finally, here’s John Cena, in a black trench coat and hat, attempting
to look gangster. Unfortunately though, you can see his bare legs from the bottom of the coat, so he looks more
like a Central park flasher. But hey, it’s the (ridiculous) thought that counts, right? Oh, and to (huge cartoonish) hammer
the point home, Cena unloads a Tommy Gun in the air! If only he had better aim. He could have at least taken out a few members
of the Chain Gang. Then it'd have all been worth it. Clearly.
Anyway,
after the hilarity, the match starts, and HHH takes the early advantage, but Cena rallies and eventually knocks HHH to the
floor. Cena slides out and back-body drops HHH on the ramp, but HHH soon counters a whip and sends Cena into the steps. Back
inside, Cena regains the advantage with a powerslam and protobomb, but on Cena’s Five-knuckle shuffle attempt, HHH pops
up and catches Cena with a spinebuster to a HUGE pop. Good thinking. I've never been able to figure out why no one ever just
moves when these motherfuckers take 30 seconds to run to the ropes and dance before even executing a move. It's kind of like
how people keep running when Irish-whipped. "Well, I'm already running! I think I'll just keep going and hope for
the best! BLARRRGHHH".
HHH then postures for the crowd and they eat it up. Ya, show’em all how to Heel
it up, Paul! From there, Cena gains the advantage and applies the STFU, but HHH makes the ropes. Cena then signals for the
FU and pumps up the shoes, but HHH slips out and runs him into the ref, then low blows both at once. Disqualification? What’s
that? Triple H then goes for the clichéd pay-per-view sledgehammer shot of DOOM, which Cena briefly avoids, but not a second
time. HHH gets the cover, but Cena kicks out at two. The power of hip-hop compels him! If all his enemies in rap are carrying
huge cumbersome hammers, and not guns, clearly Cena's in the rap business for the long haul.
Clearly.
HHH goes for the Pedigree from there, which as we know has NUCLEAR POWER, unless applied
to a Kliq member who is of course permitted to kick out, but Cena counters out and hits the FU! That however only gets a two.
Cena goes up top, for something, but HHH avoids the leap and Cena crashes hard.
Pedigree attempt number two, but Cena drop-toe-holds HHH and applies a second STFU. HHH writhes in pain, then looks to pass
out, but he’s ALIVE, and struggles for the ropes but finally TAPS OUT, as every man in the crowd has this hilarious
look on their face like they just walked in on their grandma in the tub. Man. Didn’t see that coming. I thought
for sure Captain Obvious was going over. Shows what I know. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WWE~! But still mostly the exact same stuff constantly.
Winner: ESTROGEN!? Come Hell or High-water (or until The Marine comes to a Theater
video store near you), they’re keepin’ this motherfucker babyface no matter what. The Women win this
round! But we will meet again….
/5
Final Thoughts: Perversely entertaining PPV in my opinion. Apparently, Vince fought all weekend
with creative and ultimately changed five finishes before settling on what we had tonight. And other than one (Selling T-Shirts
to fat girls > 20,000 angry dudes) finish, I have to agree with his choices. But I’d love to know what he originally
had in mind. Thumbs up anyway.
I'm Sean.
WWE WRESTLE
