WHY TELEVISION SUCKSBy
Remy
Television does suck,
face it. The glory days of yore are long gone. These
days it seems passé as computers have taken over as the
primary entertainment device in most households. I mean,
you can’t exactly get Indian midget clown porn 24/7 with
a television. I assume you can on the internet. I’ve
never actually searched for that … I swear.
And aside from being
inconvenient (commercials and fixed air-dates)
television has also proved that it appeals only to the
lowest common denominator. That is, television LOVES
stupid fucking people. Great shows have suffered because
the idiots of the world can’t understand them, and this
very much includes the television executives who are
like drug dealers: pretty much as stupid as their
customers.
Shows like Battlestar
Galactica have been suffering lately, and I seriously
worry that it will go the way of Firefly before too
long. But what comes about to replace the shows that
intelligent people love?
Well, here is a sample
of some of the new shows you can expect to see on your
television in the near
future.
First up is a spin-off
from the hit TV show
Lost:
LOSTER
This show promises to be
even vaguer and even more mysterious. You won’t even
find out who the main character is until the final
episode of the first season! Until then, it will just be
shot after shot of a beach where nothing happens.
How is it different from Lost, you ask? Well, why change
a winning formula, right?
Preview:
*silence*
*silence*
*twig cracks*
*silence*
*Cue dramatic
music.
LAW AND ORDER:
SUV
Not to be confused with
SVU, this L&O will solely focus on crimes committed
by soccer mom’s driving their SUV’s to the grocery
store.
Preview:
Darlene: These cell phones are so
handy! I can catch up on Desperate Housewives
and exchange recipes with you while I drive
places.
Betty: Yes, and we can discuss our
periods and talk about how much we hate men!
Darlene: Absolutely. In fact, I’ve
got my period right now and it is so darn inconvenient.
It really throws a … OH DEAR GOD, THERE’S BLOOD
EVERYWHERE!!
Betty: Jesus, Darlene, did you
forget your
tampons?
Darlene: No, I just hit some
kid.
*Cue dramatic
intro.
WWE’S GARDENING
EXTRAVAGANZA
Your hosts will be HHH
and Undertaker: two men who are extremely experienced in
the art of burying. They don’t know shit about flowers,
but you will have the nicest looking dirt patch on the
block! You will also find out if careers grow after
being buried.
This show is sure to
provide tons of debate about how awful the hosts are,
even years after the show has been cancelled (likely
after the first episode). No matter what they do
afterwards, the stigma of this show will remain with
them always. Do I smell ratings? No, no … that’s just a
mid-carder rotting in the garden (Go Cliché Go).
Preview:
HHH: Here’s a great gardening
tip for all you aspiring gardeners out there: daffodils
are overrated. Personally, I don’t think they’re ready
to main event at the Garden. It’s best to bury them
extra deep so that the seeds can never take root
properly.
Undertaker: Reeeeeest iiiiiiiin
peeeeeeeeeeeeeace, daffodils!
SUBWAY RESTROOM:NEW
YORK
Taking reality TV to new
levels, this show will be a series of highlights from a
camera that’s been placed in the restroom of a New York
City subway. Watch with delight
(or pure terror, you choose) as junkies shoot up with
heroin and random John’s sneak hookers in for a quickie.
Also enjoy bonus
features on this show’s website like a counter that
records the number of times that Joe Merrick brings in a
male prostitute to defecate on his chest. Okay, in
fairness, Joe lives in the UK, so this will never
happen … at least until SUBWAY RESTROOM:
LONDON is
introduced as a spin-off in two to three years.
Preview:
*Clip removed due to
inappropriate
content*
Thank
God.
GENERIC TOUGH GUY BEING
TOUGH
SHOW
Starring Kevin Sorbo,
this yet-to-be-named series will tackle the tough issues
of contemporary society. Sorbo’s complex and conflicted
character will deal with issues such as abortion,
abusive priests, First Nation’s land claims, and other
hot political issues!
Naturally, Sorbo will
deal with these issues using HIS FISTS.
This just in: The show
will now be tentatively titled God Warrior and
will feature Sorbo as a modern day crusader who fights
sin … with HIS FISTS. Watch with joy as he cracks
Spider-man-like witty one-liners as he beats up on the
sinners!
Preview:
Sorbo: I am here to fight for
justice while re-building a lost empire and fighting
against the tyranny of Zeus, that pagan bastard.
Old Lady: That’s nice young man. I’m
out buying apples to make my delicious home-baked apple
pie. If you help me carry my groceries I will give you a
nice big
slice.
Sorbo: Heathen scum! Don’t you
know apples are the forbidden fruit? Everyone knows that
even though the Bible does not ever directly state that
or even indirectly imply it. Feel the wrath of my FIST
in your sunken, devilish eye socket!
Old Lady: Oh deary, heaven help me
…
Sorbo: You say you’re an old lady
who loves to bake pies? Well I say you’re an old lady
and you’re A
BASTARD.
*alternate
take*
Sorbo: Heaven help you? Oh Heaven
will help you … help you go TO HELL!
Yup, television sucks.
So, that’s it for now,
but I’m sure there will be more horrible shows in
production soon. And when that happens, I’ll be back to
give you the inside
scoop.
In the meantime, be sure
to stop by the forums and leave feedback, or e-mail me.
Also check out the rest of the great content on the main
page, it’s well worth your time. Take care, and as
always, I
remain,
Remy
Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks
on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that,
chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and
therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you
believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having
been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in
limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past
wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err,
nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known
gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of …
JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way
black people say it, which is more meaningful, I
think.
