WHY TELEVISION SUCKS
By Remy
Television
does suck, face it. The glory days of yore are long gone. These days it seems passé as computers have taken over as the primary
entertainment device in most households. I mean, you can’t exactly get Indian midget clown porn 24/7 with a television.
I assume you can on the internet. I’ve never actually searched for that … I swear.
And aside
from being inconvenient (commercials and fixed air-dates) television has also proved that it appeals only to the lowest common
denominator. That is, television LOVES stupid fucking people. Great shows have suffered because the idiots of the world can’t
understand them, and this very much includes the television executives who are like drug dealers: pretty much as stupid as
their customers.
Shows like
Battlestar Galactica have been suffering lately, and I seriously worry that it will go the way of Firefly before too long.
But what comes about to replace the shows that intelligent people love?
Well, here
is a sample of some of the new shows you can expect to see on your television in the near future.
First up
is a spin-off from the hit TV show Lost:
LOSTER
This show
promises to be even vaguer and even more mysterious. You won’t even find out who the main character is until the final
episode of the first season! Until then, it will just be shot after shot of a beach where nothing
happens. How is it different from Lost, you ask? Well, why change a winning formula, right?
Preview:
*silence*
*silence*
*twig cracks*
*silence*
*Cue dramatic
music.
LAW AND ORDER: SUV
Not to be
confused with SVU, this L&O will solely focus on crimes committed by soccer mom’s driving their SUV’s to the
grocery store.
Preview:
Darlene: These cell phones are so handy! I can catch up on Desperate
Housewives and exchange recipes with you while I drive places.
Betty: Yes, and we can discuss our periods and talk about how much we hate men!
Darlene: Absolutely. In fact, I’ve got my period right now and it is so darn inconvenient. It really
throws a … OH DEAR GOD, THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!
Betty: Jesus, Darlene, did you forget your tampons?
Darlene: No, I just hit some kid.
*Cue dramatic
intro.
WWE’S GARDENING EXTRAVAGANZA
Your hosts
will be HHH and Undertaker: two men who are extremely experienced in the art of burying. They don’t know shit about
flowers, but you will have the nicest looking dirt patch on the block! You will also find out if careers grow after being
buried.
This show
is sure to provide tons of debate about how awful the hosts are, even years after the show has been cancelled (likely after
the first episode). No matter what they do afterwards, the stigma of this show will remain with them always. Do I smell ratings?
No, no … that’s just a mid-carder rotting in the garden (Go Cliché Go).
Preview:
HHH: Here’s a great gardening tip for all you aspiring gardeners out there: daffodils are overrated.
Personally, I don’t think they’re ready to main event at the Garden. It’s best to bury them extra deep so
that the seeds can never take root properly.
Undertaker: Reeeeeest iiiiiiiin peeeeeeeeeeeeeace, daffodils!
SUBWAY RESTROOM: NEW YORK
Taking reality
TV to new levels, this show will be a series of highlights from a camera that’s been placed in the restroom of a New York City subway. Watch with delight (or pure terror, you choose)
as junkies shoot up with heroin and random John’s sneak hookers in for a quickie.
Also enjoy
bonus features on this show’s website like a counter that records the number of times that Joe Merrick brings in a male
prostitute to defecate on his chest. Okay, in fairness, Joe lives in the UK,
so this will never happen … at least until SUBWAY RESTROOM: LONDON is introduced as a spin-off in two to three years.
Preview:
*Clip removed
due to inappropriate content*
Thank God.
GENERIC TOUGH GUY BEING TOUGH SHOW
Starring
Kevin Sorbo, this yet-to-be-named series will tackle the tough issues of contemporary society. Sorbo’s complex and conflicted
character will deal with issues such as abortion, abusive priests, First Nation’s land claims, and other hot political
issues!
Naturally,
Sorbo will deal with these issues using HIS FISTS.
This just
in: The show will now be tentatively titled God Warrior and will feature Sorbo
as a modern day crusader who fights sin … with HIS FISTS. Watch with joy as he cracks Spider-man-like witty one-liners
as he beats up on the sinners!
Preview:
Sorbo: I am here to fight for justice while re-building a lost empire and fighting against the tyranny
of Zeus, that pagan bastard.
Old Lady: That’s nice young man. I’m out buying apples to make my delicious home-baked apple
pie. If you help me carry my groceries I will give you a nice big slice.
Sorbo: Heathen scum! Don’t you know apples are the forbidden fruit? Everyone knows that even though
the Bible does not ever directly state that or even indirectly imply it. Feel the wrath of my FIST in your sunken, devilish
eye socket!
Old Lady: Oh deary, heaven help me …
Sorbo: You say you’re an old lady who loves to bake pies? Well I say you’re an old lady
and you’re A BASTARD.
*alternate
take*
Sorbo: Heaven help you? Oh Heaven will help you … help you go TO HELL!
Yup, television
sucks.
So, that’s
it for now, but I’m sure there will be more horrible shows in production soon. And when that happens, I’ll be
back to give you the inside scoop.
In the meantime,
be sure to stop by the forums and leave feedback, or e-mail me. Also check out the rest of the great content on the main page,
it’s well worth your time. Take care, and as always, I remain,
Remy
Remy’s
the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s
actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin
of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering
from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however,
the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother,
but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.
