VOTE
WARRIOR IN 2008!
The
Following is paid for by the Friends and Supporters of
Warrior:
[Originally written in April
2005]
The last four years have
been a test of our national leadership, and only one
person has passed that test: WARRIOR. It’s time for a
change, folks, and WARRIOR MAN is the person to reunite
this One Warrior Nation, and make a big splash(~!) in
the political ring, like only he
can.
Warrior is clearly the sane choice
for a new conservative regime, with ideas that we’ll
assume are groundbreaking…if only we understood what he
was saying. See, many can make promises, but only
WARRIOR can deliver the goods, with strength of
character that can only come through pressing some 3000
people over his head.
Warrior is a man of
principles. Warrior is man of great beliefs. A BELIEF
that the children are our future. A BELIEF that together
WE can bring this great country back to prominence. And
a BELIEF that pants are highly overrated. You see,
WARRIOR is a man of the people, but not afraid to admit
that he puts on his tiny Speedos one leg at a
time, just like you and
me.
Warrior recently threw his hat
(actually it was frilly boots) into the ring for
PRESIDENT of these United States; shocking the world,
and promising to bring this country back to the
responsible conservative ideals of his own home world.
See, folks, WARRIOR has a
PLAN. And that plan involves legally changing his name
to “MR. PRESIDENT.”
See, this ploy paid
dividends for Warrior-man back in the early 90’s in a
dispute with the WWF over the ownership of his identity;
and much like it did then, surely, with legal ownership
of the moniker of “Mr. President”, the government will
have NO CHOICE but to accept him as our new leader. It’s
this type of free thinking that makes WARRIOR the only logical choice for the
highest office.
With WARRIOR (and VP
candidate and O.W.N. Disciple, Brutus Beefcake) making
waves, the Democrats are running scared, forcing
frontrunner Al Gore to choose wrestler RHYNO as his
potential running-mate, in a fleeting attempt to match
the Intensity of WARRIOR. However, we’re not buying it.
This is but a ploy by those “Stinky liberals”, and
WARRIOR thus far hasn’t shown the slightest bit of fear
in the GORE/Gore! camp.
Well, now that you know his
intentions, let us take a closer look at his
politics:
Warrior on President
Bush:
When asked to give his
opinion on “Bush”, Warrior responded with this: “A Warrior has no such time for sexual
improprieties, when there are so many liberals,
turncoats, and voodoo priests corrupting the minds of my
little warriors! However, if you must know, for hygiene
reasons, Warriah prefers a neatly trimmed pubic area,
and not a full
thatch.”
Upon learning that we
actually meant “President Bush”, WARRIOR went on to tell
a humorous story of how one time while waiting to make a
surprise entrance from beneath the stage at the
Republican National convention, current VP and general
prankster, Dick Cheney shit in a pail and placed it
beneath Warrior’s “hiding spot.”
“Man, I haven’t puked that
much since the time Papa Shango stole my tassle armbands
and saddled me with an ancient Voodoo curse!” said
WARRIOR. Warrior then went on
to declare how much he loves, and can’t seem to get
enough Dick.
(Cheney)
Warrior’s VP: Brutus
Beefcake:
The one time “Disciple” of
Hulk Hogan was thankfully liberated from the oppressive
clutches of the Hulkster, and was then inducted as the
SOLE member of One Warrior Nation. From there, his
career breathed new life! So much so, in fact, that his
push disappeared completely and he was never heard of
again! Thank you Warrior for setting Brother Bruti down
the right path! The Path of
Destrucity!
Brutus, a definite
humanitarian, who’s given years of charity ( free
haircuts for some 18 years) recently did his part in the
“war on terror” when he retrieved a duffle bag filled
with what was believed to be Anthrax, and selflessly destroyed it... by
consuming all the contents. You just can’t get that type
of dedication in other
politicians!
Warrior on the Foreign
Affairs:
WARRIOR is man who has seen it all. He bore witness
firsthand to the final fall of Soviet Communism (at
Wrestlemania 6 at the hands of the Hart Foundation) and
knows all too well the horrors of the struggles in the
Gulf. See, it was WARRIOR himself who was victimized by the HEARTLESS
Saddam Hussein regime when the former Iraqi dictator
plotted to steal his WWF Title in 1991; a plot that
actually came to fruition one cold January night some 14
years ago. This TRAGEDY hardened the Warrior’s resolve
however, and now the face-painted ruffian has vowed to
do whatever it takes to stop tyranny, including our next
potential great enemy: MEXICO.
Warrior on
Homosexuality! – WARRIOR is a staunch
believer that “Queering don’t make the world work”...
but agrees that it’s pretty much what makes some
people’s pushes to the top of the card a reality.
WARRIOR however has had some success in CONVERTING stray
homosexuals back to the side of
Heterosexuality. In 1996, he vowed to “make a man out of
Goldust” and proceeded to batter the golden one until
all thoughts of ass-play were abolished from his mind.
Some six months later, Goldust would finally renounce
his homosexuality, and go on to have a completely
meaningless quasi-midcard run. Thanks
Warrior!
See, WARRIOR knows that it’s
hard to suppress your burgeoning homosexual emotions;
however, WARRIOR has come up with the Ultimate Solution
to your problems! The WARRIOR WORKOUT! See, you’ll
hardly have time to think unclean thoughts anymore when
you’re immersed in the completely heterosexual world of
professional body building! You’ll find out the hard
way, that it’s all but impossible to
think gay thoughts with all those oily musclemen
squatting and lifting around you! Consider it the
WARRIOR
CHALLENGE!
Warrior on Abortions: -
WARRIOR has seen the horrors
of abortion firsthand. Particularly in his feud with
Andre The Giant in 1989, where there was seemingly an
abortion happening on a nightly basis.
Although some feel
it’s a wrestler’s right to choose (to have a horrendous
match) WARRIOR passionately feels that it’s immoral. And
with WARRIOR’s help, we’ll put an end to ALL slow
moving, plodding matches for good.
WARRIOR on the
Economy:
WARRIOR has no opinion. He
has no concept of selling of any kind.
Warrior on the Patriot
Act: Although he’s never met The Patriot, he
feels that Del Wilkes did an admirable job with his
character. Although, he knocks him for his
limited moveset, and constant reliance of the
clothesline…
Warrior on immigration :
– Immigrants
illegally entering our fair land has long been a sore
spot for WARRIOR. And when elected, WARRIOR has
GUARANTEED to do something about it! WARRIOR will
introduce “Proposition Warrior” to congress that will
see WARRIOR himself patrol the borders and press slam
any and all trespassers back into their own country.
Many in WARRIOR’s campaign have suggested putting up a
wall dividing the border, but WARRIOR would only
compromise with ropes. And WHO I ask would be FOOLISH
enough to mess with WARRIOR that close to ROPES?....
which as we all know is the source of his
power.
So, in closing,
if you want four
more years
of hollow promises, high deficits, and fully funded
social programs, by all means vote the “competition.”
But if you want a Politician who’ll get RESULTS, by all
means choose WARRIOR. It’s your ULTIMATE responsibility.
And remember, Queering may not make the world work, but
Warrior will work for YOU. (Unless you're gay, Mexican,
a woman, a liberal, or any combination of the
four.).
VOTE WARRIOR IN
2008!
Sean Carless is a man
of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings
have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania,
Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto
Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
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Sean
Carless
