2007
(06/24/07)
[Special Thanks to SEAN
CARLESS, for filling in the blanks in this Rant here and there. Where exactly? I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out.]
You know, it would be easier to appreciate Mick Foley’s return
if it didn’t so dimly reflect the fact that I myself am being continually trotted out to amuse the masses, despite long
ago announcing my retirement. Sigh.
With that said, HAY
GUISE. Welcome to mah PPV recap n stuff!
So whadda we got here?
Oh lookie! Vince got blown up. Ya know there seems to be some controversy with this angle. Some argue it’s tasteless,
some argue it’s intriguing. Whatever. All I know is, if this angle were up to me, it’d be far better.
“How so?”
I hear you yelp, as I slap you upside the head for questioning me. Well sir, think about it. Cast your mind back to when the
Undertaker had a doppelganger. Some of the more keen-minded of you will remember a Mr. Leslie Nielson of all people being
invited onto a PPV, where he claimed he would find the missing Undertaker. That’s when it hit me. What if various TV
personalities were called in, to find out who killed Mr. McMahon? Why, only THE AWESOMEST TELEVISION ENTERTAINMENT EVER.
As such, this recap
will be dedicated to the memory of Mr. McMahon, by consulting various detectives with regards to finding Vince’s killer.
Oh and, uh, it’ll tell you how some guy pinned another guy, or something.
RIP VINCE GET WELL SOON.
First match!
Hey, there's former
tag team Champions Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo in the crowd! Wait. Rotundo? Man, you're lucky enough to
born with the name Irwin R. Shyster, and you actually change it to Mike Rotundo? What gives? [/ Canadian Bacon]
LANCE CADE
& TREVOR MURDOCH VS THE HARDY BOYS - WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
You know, just to reiterate
something Sean once said, Lance Cade has no hope of ever being recognised, considering he’s always changing how he fucking
looks. Sean’s also been known to say ‘I like to channel my hatred for annoying women via the medium of fucking’
though, so you know, swings and roundabouts.
The match is now underway,
and it's very good, and it better be, because they've wrestled 2000 consecutive times. At this point, Gregory Helms is
watching Matt Hardy wrestle and saying "Holy shit, bro, get a new opponent already". See, I say this because they themselves
had more matches last year than there are stars in the galaxy. Maybe that's the point, though? Since Matt is immortal and
all, eventually when we all die, these matches will seem fresh to the next generation. Or something.
Anyway, the story here
is Matt is isolated from his brother Jeff, and the Rednecks work over his leg. Murdoch hooks in the half crab on Matt from
there, but Matt breaks free, because let's face it, considering who he's dated, crabs are probably old hat by now. Matt makes
the hot tag to Jeff from there, who comes in a house o'fire, or maybe it was a trailer o'fire 'cause they are from
North Carolina, I don't know. Jeff eventually goes up top looking to finish Cade, but Murdoch pushes him off , and in the
chaos Cade hits a blue thunder bomb to get the win and retain the titles. Yee-hawr.
What did I gain from
this match? - You know, I was gonna remark on how it’s funny that they decided to use the tag titles to push a young
and up and coming team like Cade and Murdoch (Sarcastically of course) but then I remembered that the Hardy ‘Boys’
are nearly twice my age.
WINNERS: Murdoch and
Cade
Anyways, check out who’s
here first to solve the McMahon Murder Mystery!
Backstage:
Shane: Hello, Lieutenant.
Nice of you to come by here all the way from Miami.
Horatio Cain: Hello.
*takes off shades* What do we have here?
Shane: Well, the vic was blown up in a limo, he was a billionaire tycoon of World
Wrestling Entertainment.
Horatio Cain: *puts
sunglasses back on* Well, Shane, it looks as though your dad had…NO CHANCE IN HELL.
Shane: …Lame,
dude.
Moving on…
Backstage, Queen Sharmell
warns Booker to be careful tonight in his match. Booker then says "why bother? we're in Houston, remember. I don't even know
why I even bothered showing up". Ok, he didn't say it, but it's true. Like Superman (not John Cena) Booker T's home is his
only weakness.
Summer Slam/Jackass
video airs. WWE: Yesterdays fads, today!
Video footage of Brock
Lesnar, pre-disturbing penis tattoo, getting beat by Eddie Guerrero for the WWE Title. The part where a seemingly homeless
Bill Goldberg cost Brock the match is strangely missing. Go figure.
JIMMY WANG
YANG VS CHAVO GUERRERO - CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
So…much…ethnicity…Must…mock…
Well clearly the thing
that sparked this feud off is Chavo is jealous of Wang Yang’s high flying ability, and thinks that by defeating him
he may somehow gain this ability for himself. No border will be able to contain this man!
As the match goes on
Cole puts over Chavo as one of the best cruiserweight champions ever. Meh. What of the legacy of Evan Karagias? Madusa? Oklahoma?
There's just too many legends to name here. JBL then butts in, putting over the legacy of the great Guerrero family. A legacy
so great that the first Guerrero ever hired by the company was put in a giant chicken costume. WWE RESPECTS THE GUERREROS.
Anyway, the story here
is Yang keeping Chavo off guard with his high flying ways, and Chavo grounding the redneck (yellow neck?) to regain the advantage.
Yang rallies eventually and hits a missile dropkick, but since he's really Korean, I'm surprised the CIA isn't looking
into this alleged missile made of flying oriental feet. Kim Jong II has a hand in this unconventional cruiserweight offense,
I just know it. Yang then goes up top and hits a big cross-body but that only gets two, which Yang sells with shock.
Chavo then quickly hits a *surprise* Three Amigos, but how does one exactly "surprise" someone with rolling suplexes,
I ask? After the first one, where's the surprise? Why would you keep going with it? And why am I talking to myself? Yang
soon after goes for a moonsault, but Chavo ducks, and follows that up with a powerbomb, but Yang counters that into a cradle,
but that only gets two. Both men then jockey for a superplex, but Chavo tosses Yang down, who gets crotched, and Chavo hits
the frogsplash to retain the title. Well, that fills the Cruiserweight Title match quota on pay-per-view for this year!
WINNER: Chavo
What did I gain from
this match? – Oh come on, knocking a Oriental dude onto the ropes crotch first isn’t gonna do much harm,
let’s be honest.
Backstage:
Shane: PLEASE sir! You
must help me find who blew up that limo! Do you have any idea what it’s like to lose a parent?!
Batman: Well…
Random dude: Vince isn’t
really dead, you assholes!
Batman: Don’t worry chum, I happen to have my trusty smark repellant spray with me…
Of course not, but what
the hey.
ECW TITLE
MATCH - CHRIS BENOIT VS CM PUNK. OMG.
Wait, what? Apparently
Benoit couldn’t make it due to a family emergency of some kind (Surely by now the Benoit’s can resist the urge
to just leap off roof head first whilst doing mundane tasks such as DIY) so we get Nitro instead. So Punk vs. Nitro it is.
[Sean's quick Edit from 2008:
Turns out, Benoit couldn't make it because in honor of ECW, he was already engaged in a 3-way elimnation match of his
own. The result? Well, all three were eliminated, so Draw? Maybe?].
Hey, who knew that pinning
Nunzio in your first match merits a World title shot? Next time I see that swarthy little bastard exit an arena I'm rolling
the fucker up. Pencil me in for Great American Bash.
The crowd is already
shitting on this match, chanting 'we want Chris Benoit'. Gotta love this company. Every title change in this brand has been
met with complete and total apathy by the crowds. Yet they keep ignoring the guy whose story it is to give the belt to guy
coming in from another brand. Oh wait-there's a match going on here. Nitro punishes Punk's arm, which I imagine will make
him cracking open a two liter bottle of Pepsi quite the challenging task later tonight, grinding him down with a version
of Punk's very own Anaconda vice. Which is of course Punk's former finisher, and not a secret task force bent on stopping
the illegal trafficking of giant Amazonian reptiles. Glad I could clear that up for you.
Soon after, Punk comes
back with some stiff kicks, but Nitro scoops his legs and goes for the EXTREME rope assisted pin, but the referee spots it
and says, what do you think this is, real ECW? THERE'S RULES HERE, AND MISTER YOU'RE GONNA OBEY THEM. Punk works over
Ntro from there, and looks for the Go to Sleep, but Nitro wiggles free. Punk then hits his crazy clothesline/bulldog move,
and goes for a springboard, but Nitro avoids the move, and hits a corkscrew neckbreaker to win the vacant ECW title and break
the hearts of fat people around the country with their black XXX T-shirts. They then uncross their forearms and type
up furious retorts on message boards across the net.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMP:
Johnny Nitro
What did I gain from
this match? - WOW THAT’S AWESOME COS WWE DID SOMETHING UNEXPECTED LOLZ. “Oh, I didn’t expect you to kick
me in the balls just then! Hahaha!”
Backstage:
Columbo: May I ask how
you do that, sir?
Undertaker: What, the lightning? Ah, trade secret lieutenant.
Columbo: Well may I
say it’s a very fine art, sir, I wish I could show it the wife.
Undertaker: Do…do
you even have a wife?
Columbo: Well…no. But at least mine doesn’t look like a man.
Undertaker: Touché.
- We get a look
back to HBK defeating Bret Hart at Wrestlemania 12. Apparently no other pre-millennium footage of HBK exists.
-Mick Foley is backstage
getting ready for his match when he's approached by Randy Orton. Randy comments that it looks like Mick may have suffered
a concussion last Monday, before saying that last time they crossed paths, Orton defeated him. But hey, at this point, that's
kinda like bragging that you just beat a crippled guy in a foot race. I mean, when was the last time poor Mick won a singles
match? Feel free to email me the answer so I can never respond because you're making me look bad.
-Hey, there's Rick "The
Dragon" Steamboat! He gets a nice round of applause. Clearly, someone should have sent out like 15 Ninjas just for old
time's sake, though.
SANTINO
MARELLA VS UMAGA
I know Sean already
made the ‘Mario’ jokes but…seriously, Umaga looks like a fucking Goomba. Surely Santino can just..jump on
him. Good look getting coins from a Samoan though.
Well, the good news
is it didn't last long. The bad news is that the two minutes it lasted were terrible. Umaga annihilates Santino, then gets
disqualified for choking him in the corner. Bah. And here I thought they'd make nice. I mean, Umaga's already barefoot, so maybe
Santino can take him back to the old country and they can make some wine together? It'd be beautiful.
WINNER: Santino by DQ
What did I gain from
this match? - Heh, I’d have loved it if when Umaga smacked Santino, Santino sorta just froze, rose into the air then
fell off screen as some music goes ‘DUN. Dun DUN DUN DUN DUN dun dun dun, dundun’ Then GAME OVER flashes up. MARIO
JOKES FTW.
So the commentators
discuss Vince’s death. Just to, I dunno, mix it up a little I guess.
Backstage:
Shane: So..you guys
really think you can find out who killed my dad?
Shaggy: Zoinks! Like of course, dude! Like ever since we got out of prison
we’ve been wanting to go straight!
Shane: You were in prison?
Shaggy: Yeah, like we got busted in our van with
our dealer. You might know him, his name’s Rob?
Shane: Hard to believe they arrested your dog too…
Shaggy: Oh, he wasn’t
there. He was done for something else.
Shane: Really? What?
Scooby doo: Ratutory Rape!
BAHAHAHAA My God I’m
funny.
US TITLE
MATCH - MVP VS RIC FLAIR
Gotta love how Republicans
are probably rooting for Flair right now. Last thing they want is a black dude representing the ‘US’ eh?
Flair and MVP feel each
other out early. And JBL peels off the most absurd line of the night when he says that when Ric Flair sees MVP , he sees
himself twenty years ago. Huh. I remember watching the NWA in 1987. I don't remember Ric Flair being a black man in a
1940's male bathing suit. But if JBL says it, then who am I to argue.
Anyway, MVP dominates
early, as is custom in all Ric Flair matches. Flair even runs towards the back-body drop like he has for 30 years straight.
Eventually though, Flair rallies and works over MVP's leg, getting the figure four soon after. After some struggling, MVP
finally gets to the ropes and gets the break. As the referee jaws with Flair, Flair walks into a Greco-Roman thumb to the
eye, and falls prey to the Playmaker to allow MVP to retain the title.
WINNER: MVP
What did I gain from
this match? - DAMN LEFTIES.
-Backstage Todd is with
John Cena. Edge interrupts and says the odds are really against John Cena tonight. Really? Cena has won like 99% of his matches
the last two years straight. Motherfucker is the odds now. All they need now is to somehow find a way for him to wrestle
himself so he can attempt to overcome the odds of defeating himself who'd also be fighting the same exact odds.
This whole scenario probably made a whole lot more sense in my head...
Deuce and Domino are
out now with some piss poor promo. Screw it, let’s cut to backstage with the last detective:
Shane: You…you’re
not even a detective. What the hell.
Josey Scott: YEEEEEEEEEAH.
Shane:
Do you even have any law qualifications?
Josey Scott: I WALKED A MI-
Shane: Yes, yes…so what do you think actually
was the cause of death?
Josey: ….CLICK
CLICK BOOM?
Oh, Josey. Don’t
ever leave me again. With me is where you belong.
Oh sweet gooey CHRIST
please don’t let me be so!
DEUCE AND
DOMINO VS SGT. SLAUGHTER & JIMMY SNUKA
WHY LORD. Well, apparently
this is because Deuce is actually the son of Snuka. You gotta wonder what kinda conversations these two have:
Snuka: "So, how's this Cherry chick working out for you?"
Deuce: "She's ok, Dad."
Snuka: "Good, good. But hey, just in case, just give me the word and I'll 'take care' of it."
Deuce: "Nah, Dad, it's Ok, really. "
Snuka: "Are you sure? I mean, I got my shovel out in the car"
Deuce: ....
Dave Gagnon: SUPERFLYYYYYYY.*Runs off*
Oh ya, the match. Snuka takes it to the greasers early, while pulling off a really swank leopard
print hot pants/black tank top combo. You know, the same wardrobe cougars wear when they pick up dudes my age at the bars.
Slaughter tags in soon after and applies his vaunted cobra-clutch, a hold that probably doesn't work out too great in War-time
situations. No wonder Sarge's career in the Military didn't last too long. Deuce & Domino regain the advantage soon after,
and Deuce sets up Sarge for a Superfly of his own, but Sarge rolls clear and makes the hot tag to Snuka who cleans umm, hut?
(Do they have houses in the Fiji jungles?) before going upstairs for a bodypress, which Deuce rolls through to pick up the
pin. That has to be weird. I think I'll go sunset flip my Dad and see how it feels.
WINNERS: Deuce & Domino
What did I gain from this match? - Well, what better way to put over your champs than have them DECIMATE
two old people. Although it worked for me as a rite of passage.
After the match D&D beat down Snuka & Slaughter, but Rick Martel (who looks pretty good all
things considered) and the animated corpse of Tony Garea make the save.
We get a video package on all the great World Champions, and Harley Race is here. Right on.
LAST CHANCE MATCH - BATISTA VS EDGE - WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Oh, ‘Last Chance’ eh? That either means Dave’s winning or a Dusty finish is afoot
(Which I always thought was slang for an old woman climaxing. Huh. Learn something new every day.) OH THE POSSIBILITIES.
That said, I'm sick of this feud, so I refuse to recap it on principle. All you need to know is
that Batista dominated with his rawr animal offense, so Edge hit him low to cause a DQ. I suspect the latter move was a tribute
to the now retired Price is Right host Bob Barker, who always told us to have our Animals spayed and neutered. Edge is just
helping control the Pet population. We can't have litters of oily musclemen running around, it'd be chaos.
WINNER BY DQ: Batista
But, oh wait! Teddy Long comes out to restart, saying if Edge gets DQ’d again, he loses the belt.
Wow Long! Way controversial! SOCK IT TO ME. I bet Long's just bitter because he can't utilize the Undertaker for every mundane
task imaginable anymore.
Edge tries to take advantage of the still testicularly incapacitated Batista, and hits the spear, but
Big Dave kicks out at two. Batista then recovers and goes for the Batista-bomb but Edge gets out of the ring. Batista follows
him out, and powerbombs Edge on the floor, and rolls him back into the ring-- but he himself doesn't make it back in time
before the count. Gooched.
WINNER: Edge by Count out
What did I gain from this match? - HA. PPV? 40 dollars. Number of dusty finishes? 2. In how many matches?
1. Knowing you wasted your money on a shitty PPV? FUCKING SUCKY.
Oh sweet Jelly Belly Jesus I just want this to end. Oh look, fap material! Not like I can get free porn
or anything!
WWE WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH - MELINA VS CANDICE
Ugh, whatever. You know what’s really entertaining? Having sex with someone and yelling out a
random Star Wars quote. Seriously, try it. I recommend ‘YOU WILL NEVER FIND A LARGER HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY’
or ‘THAT’S NO MOON.’ or my favourite, ‘IT’S A TRAP’.
For the record, this is just a straight up wrestling match, so for those of us wanting to see more classic
catch-as-catch-can wrestling inside pools filled with viscous liquids, we're shit out of luck. The two start off and Melina
teases a knucklelock, but doesn't fall through. I wish I could say the same thing here. What? I'm single. Sue me.
Melina controls much of the pace, working on Candice's back, placing her in a bow and arrow. Candice
fights free soon after, and side steps a Melina charge and she spills to the outside. Once back inside, Candice hits the bulldog,
but Melina comes back with some punches, but eventually she walks into a spinning kick by Candice...umm, well, the spinning
was there at least. The kick? Not so much. Oh ya, the wind behind Candice's mighty kick of good intentions is enough to knock
Melina over and Candice gets the pin and the title!
WINNER: Candice
What did I gain from this match? - Oh, almost forgot, DON’T say ‘I am your father’
that..that one’s a big no-no.
JBL is announced to the crowd and hilariously gives Tony Chimmel a list to read off of his many contributions.
WWE TITLE MATCH - JOHN CENA VS THE WHOLE GOD DAMN WORLD KING BOOKER VS MICK FOLEY
VS RANDY ORTON VS LASHLEY
Hoo boy. Ya got John Cena, the irresistible force, in the same match as Lashley, the Uninteresting Object.
S’like if Ebony and Ivory had a God damn Dragonball Z fight.
Oh, and for the record, this match is no DQ or count out. There will be a decisive winner. Just
not anyone not named John Cena.
