WWE
VENGEANCE
2004(07/11/04)
Hey,
there party people, I'm your host Sean Carless, and
welcome to Vengeance! A Show that vows unrelenting
revenge on its viewers. I was going to ask just how
they were going to go about accomplishing this, then I
noticed Coach was actually scheduled to WRESTLE here
tonight. Mission Accomplished!
We
are LIVE from Hartford Connecticut! Former home of the
Whalers. Wait. Whalers? Huh. If I was Steph, I might not
follow the urge to hit the beach at all while here. That
name had to be inspired by something. The last
thing she'll see is a bunch of angry fisherman
running in her direction with spears and a net.
It's clearly just not worth
it.
Anyhoo, before we get to the
pay-per-viewy festivities here, I have to apologize in
advance, because I'm rockin' a hangover the likes of
which people cannot possibly imagine. Well, except
maybe Scott Hall. Thankfully, in my case, unlike Scott,
I didn't suddenly get the urge to violate the
elderly. Although, this might explain why my Grandma
never visits here anymore. Can't be too
careful. Yup. Anyway, to make a long story short,
this recappery is going to be the quick and dirty
version. So, stay tuned for the dreaded half ass.
But rest assured, my other cheek will be back in the
game soon enough.
Onto
the show!
On
Heat: The guy with the huge penis (Val Venis) loses to
the guy who looks like one (Tyson Tomko). A kick is
involved, but work rate is not.
Opening match:
Tajiri & Rhyno vs. Garrison Cade &
Jonathan Coachman;
Just
to let you in on what's going down here, Rhino, has been
on a QUEST, yes a quest, to find a full-time tag
team partner to thwart the evil French duo who
nonsensically hate America SO much that they
relocated from France to Quebec for reasons
that they explained as "we wanted to be closer to
America...to thwart it.". Huh. If that's La
Résistance's reasoning, why not just move
to America then? Is it too much to ask in a sport where
a woman barters her boyfriend's life for sex with a
demon, that there be some sort of continuity and
sense? I'm begging you. Oh, in any event, Rhino looked
to have picked Val Venis as his heterosexual life-mate,
but that eventually fizzled for whatever reason. Turns
out they didn't have much in common. You know, other
than goring people with their "horns". That's right.
Anyway, since then, Rhino seems
to have settled on former partner in arms (albeit
not comparable sized ones) in the former "ECW
Network",Tajiri. How nice. I'd be lying if I said I
didn't hope the whole journey would end with an Al Snow/
Rhyno tandem though. My dream of a team called "Al Gore"
will have to wait. For now.
Anyway, the Network's first test is against
the time-tested rock-solid team of... Garrison Cade
& Coach? Dear lord. I'm thinking there's probably a
better chance of that fucking basketball team that
always plays the Globetrotters to pull off a win there,
then Coach and Cade have here. And no offense to Cade or
anything, but sadly, finding his charisma is
like the world’s longest game of "Where’s
Waldo?".
Anyway, the heels isolate Tajiri for most of
the match, until he makes a hot tag to Rhyno, and he
destroys everything like a bull in a China shop.
Wait. A Rhyno in a China shop. Wait. A RHYNO IN A
CHYNA SHOP. That's better. The letter "i" has as much
business in the wrestling world as anything ending in
the letter "S". (Z's are EXTREME!). The end sees Rhyno
gore Cade to the floor after getting Tajiri’s mist in
his the face. This then left Coachman to eat a kick
of DEATH (if only) to count the lights.
Winners: Rhyno and Tajiri, the
Japanese Buzzsaw. No word on whether Japanese
carpenters actually cut their wood with
diminutive Japanese guys with baggy pants. But I'll find
out. Definitely.
-Backstage, Evolution complains
about Eugene, but Hunter says not to worry as he
has a Master plan. A Master plan that completely hinges
on a retard. Ya, that's a pretty solid plan. I then
start to wonder how many other "master plans" went awry
thanks to the disabled: Hitler chose to invade Russia as
opposed to England, because the mongoloid he befriended
said it'd be funner because it was cold there
and they could make snowmen. Alexander the Great,
rolled into India, because he heard they
blatantly refused to create wheelchair ramps and
this upset his moral convictions. A deaf guy passed
along the vital info of "Beware the ides of March"
to Julius Caesar, but read the guy's lips as "Beware the
Pies in March" and poor Caesar banned all baked goods
for the month, rather than putting on some
fucking armor. ALL OF THE FOLLOWING ACTUALLY
HAPPENED, and wasn't just a lame way to kill time. Trust
me.
Just
then, HHH sees CHRIS BENOIT conversing with
Eugene. Benoit is apparently bashing
Evolution to him. "Eugene, Man came from the
inspired image of the Lord... not a monkey!" says
Chris. "And they've never even found the bones
to conclusively prove their stance! "
he continues. It's then that HHH is
thankfully able to pull Eugene away before Benoit
debunks the earth being "millions of years old"
by telling him the amazing story of
Dinosaur
Jesus. OK, maybe not. He just said
they were all "bad and stuff". I like my version
better.
Chris Jericho vs. Batista;
Boy
oh boy, Batista had an off night here. It's like
Y2J shot him with the De-Evolution gun (HIYO) from
the Super Mario Bros. movie. In one night, he
almost undid all the progress he's
made.
Anyway, the story here is that the
Raw Animal (maybe he should masturbate with lotion?
Oh, JR meant, umm, never mind.) has recently been
KILLING PEOPLE DEAD with his clothesline of DEATH and
Jericho was his latest victim. Normally, a clothesline
that lethal would be from HELL, but
apparently Satan only trained JBL to use that move. You
know, before inspiring a series of increasingly
dangerous steel cages. True story. Anyway, Batista
dominates early on, but Y2J rallies after countering out
of a Batista-bomb attempt. Soon after, Jericho attempts
the LIONSAULT, but Batista spoils the plight of the
glorious airborne lion by getting his knees
up. If only gazelles and zebras had the same
presence of mind to thwart real-life lions when
they attempt such aerial wizardry. They'd live
longer. Clearly. From there, Jericho regains the
advantage with his flying enziguiri, but Dave gets his
big inflatable leg on the ropes. Seconds later, Batista
catches Jericho with the spinebuster, and gets the demon
bomb. Batista then gets the cover and the pin, despite
Jericho himself getting his leg on the ropes. That's
good enough to see ol' Pseudo Sid here leave the ring a
winner, and with a clean pair of underwear to boot. The
real Sid sadly could never make that same
boast. (seriously.).
Winner: The Animal Batista! Just
what animal that might be has yet to be fully explained.
All I know is, I'd mark if every time Batista's in
trouble, a group of PETA activists ran in and made the
save for him. Or at the very most tossed paint on his
opponents. Yup.
/5
-Backstage, we see HHH, Flair and
Eugene. HHH tries to make sure he and Eugene are on the
same page. HHH then says he has a "present" for Eugene.
It turns out to be a Ric Flair robe. Eugene
then lets out a wooooo!... before asking if it was
the same one Ric wore while he swung his dick for that
stewardess. Ok, maybe not.
(C)
La Résistance version trois vs. "The Dirtiest Retards in
the Game" (Ric Flair & Eugene) World Tag team
Titles.
This
was easily the best Ric Flair/Retard pairing since his
partnership with Lex Luger in WCW. Or maybe I just
wanted to use that line. I don't know. All I do know is,
Flair and Eugene actually do have more in common than
you'd think. For example, Flair was once a HORSEmen, and
Eugene eats gluesticks, which are MADE from HORSES.
Coincidence? Pretty much.
Anyway, I'd be lying if I said there
wasn't tremendous babyface reactions for Flair &
Eugene here. Flair was GOLD selling the disbelief as
Eugene mimicked every move from the Flair playbook,
including the eye-poke, low-blows and even a Flair flop.
Funny, whenever I coach a mentally handicapped person
into doing evil things, I'm labeled the "bad guy", yet
when Flair does it, he's celebrated. One of these days,
I'll be acknowledged for my breakthroughs in the
handicapped community. One day. Eugene continues
on with the offense, and I laugh at JR putting over that
Eugene doesn't know his own strength. Then I remember
that the bulk of power lifters in the Special Olympics
are mongoloids, and I change my stance. Retards ARE
STRONG. There's even been some cases where they can
lift a car right off the ground. An ability that'll come
in handy next time I'm driving in their direction.
That's right. Eventually, Flair tags in and gets a huge
reaction as well. He works over both members of La Rez
to thunderous applause. He eventually looks to
finish Conway with the figure four, but Grenier sneaks
in and breaks that up. Hey, in a side note, did you know
Grenier is actually French for "attic"? Seriously it is.
Funny, I always assumed it meant back door. Don't ask me
why. (like you'd even have to...). After that, Flair
gets worked over and plays Ricky Morton (only made
completely out of spam) in a long heat segment, until
Eugene FINALLY "tards-up" and attacks everyone in sight
(including the referee) causing a disqualification.
Winners by DQ and STILL Champions: La
Résistance, who can now return to Quebec and
continue to plot "their revenge" against America. I'd
say their title reign is good enough, but hey, what do I
know.
Kane vs. Matt
Hardy w/ Lita w/Rosemary’s baby; No DQ match.
Hey, I wonder if they make mesh
shirts and thongs in maternity sizes? Guess Lita will
find out soon enough. Anyway,
speaking of Lita and the "baby", there’s been a lot of
criticism on Lita for giving into Kane's desire to
bed her.... and not using a condom. But I doubt
she’d be that stupid. You don't house that many
luchadors, and not have a ring of condoms in your
purse the size of an executive's fucking rolodex.
Just saying. Truth be told, since
Kane can produce fire from his fingertips at will, it
really wouldn’t be too farfetched to assume that his
"seed" would likely be the equivalent of piping hot
magma, and probably just melted through the
prophylactic. It's science. You can't fight
it.
The
bulk of the match saw Kane dominate Matt, but V1 gets
the advantage after Kane gets tangled up in the ropes.
Hardy goes on offense from there, dropkicking him while
he was in that prone state, and hitting him with a top
rope legdrop to the back of the head. Hardy then
delivers a twist of fate but takes too long to cover,
and Kane kicks out. Kane then gets up and gets a sloppy
chokeslam out of nowhere. But instead of covering, Kane
goes out and gets the steps. However, before he can use
them, Lita comes in and nags Kane to put them down. Kane
does, and gently puts her out of harms way, because she
has his (toasted) bun in the oven after all , and picks
the stairs back up. However, in the interim, Matt grabs
a chair and clobbers Kane, and the stairs collapse on
him and Matt gets the PIN. Seriously. Matt
Hardy WINS a match. One he wrestled on a
PAY-PER-VIEW. Clearly, the trick to getting booked and
pushed is to let an undead monster fuck your spouse.
Just then I get the visual of RVD sending
naked pictures of his wife to Undertaker and hoping
he finds her attractive.
Winner: Matt Hardy Veeeeeee oneaaaaaaaaaaah,
who is visibly mad at Lita for putting herself
in "harm’s way"…. and apparently not for
"putting out" for evil monsters. Go
figure.
Randy Orton vs. Edge
Intercontinental Title.
JR
and King put over "the fact" that "Randy is the longest
reigning Intercontinental Champion of the last seven
years". Except he's not. The Rock is. Unless,
somehow, Orton possesses the ability to travel back
in time and erased the Rock completely from history.
Which of course, if you've been following my Back-Leg
frontkick, you'd find out is INDEED THE CASE. Orton has lost the
Intercontinental Title EVERY NIGHT for the last seven
months, but Ric (Doc?) Flair keeps going back
in time and changing history, so he retained the belt.
He uses a Delorean (and not a limousine or jet. His
catchphrase is lie!) to accomplish this goal, which is
of course powered by Mr. Fusion. A device
that relies on large amounts
of discarded food to create energy. You
know, kind of like Stephanie
McMahon....
Anyway, these two have an excellent match
here, in my ever so humble opinion. Edge controls the
pace early, and hits a big missile dropkick. He then
goes for the spear, but Orton gets his knees up.
Orton then hits a crazy neck/backbreaker combo for two.
Man, that Orton, he's a man of a thousand holds.
Unfortunately though, some nine-hundred of those
are chinlocks. Oh well. And speaking of that, Orton
applies an extended version to Edge back in the ring
after the two had brawled on the floor. After some more
back and forth, Orton undoes the turnbuckle which comes
into play later. A slew of nearfalls follow as Orton
counters a cross body, and Edge hits the Edgecution DDT
for another near fall. Orton then goes for the RKO, but
Edge pushes off and looks for the spear, but Orton
incredibly leap frogs over, and Edge almost hits the
exposed buckle. Edge then quickly rams Orton into the
VERY BUCKLE HE EXPOSED (Sweet irony~!) and gets the
spear and the pin! Normally, Flair would have
just used the Delorean again, but
he's still stuck in 1885 with bo way to get home at
the moment. (don't ask.).
Winner and NEW champion: Edge. The man
whose patented "spear" has made the HUG
lethal. I can just imagine his house around the
holidays: "Hey, Adam, come here and give
your Mom a big hug! Hey, why are you
running? Blargggggggggggggghhh".
-Orton is seen backstage, and starts
crying in the shock of the moment. That, or the fact
that he just realized that the "Pat" his uncle
Barry spoke about was the same guy who goes over all his
matches with him. Either/or. (Actually that was
Terry Garvin. But I'll be damned if facts will ever play
a part in my Rants...).
Victoria w/hair vs. Molly Holly w/o
hair...STILL?
It's been like 5 months, why is
Molly still bald? Holy shit. I'd get my (luscious,
large) ass to a hospital, stat if I was
her. This can only end
badly.
Anyway, Victoria comes out and
immediately tears off her pants. Now THAT’S what I
like to see from a woman! I always appreciate it when a
woman takes the initiative and rips her own clothes off.
I always hate having to do that. It's probably because I
only have limited time before they wake up as it is.
Haha. Anyway, a good little match here,
albeit quite short. An argument I hear far
too often. *sob*. Molly spends the bulk of the match
working Victoria's arm, after she sent her careening
into the steps. Eventually, Victoria rallies, and looks
to finish with a widow's peak, but Molly escapes,
thanks to the wounded arm in a great display of
psychology. If only all real-life psychology
involved half naked women in spandex squatting and
rolling around with one another. I'd have my doctorate
by now. You better believe it. Anyway, since
her arms are useless, Victoria simply gets a straight
superkick that parts Molly's wig, and gets the pin. You
see, it's extra devastating because months
and months of dancing so horribly have made the muscles
in her legs like spring steel. So something
good has came from it.
Clearly.
Winner: Victoria. She's not the lady to mess
with. Or sadly, dance with. Besides, you
could NEVER keep up. Not unless you have
Epilepsy. ;)
-HHH/ Eugene video package. Hey, you
know what this World title match needs? THE FUCKING
WORLD CHAMPION, CHRIS BENOIT. Remember him? I guess the
reason why he keeps saying "he's for real" is so
Creative will realize he actually fucking
exists.
Triple H. vs. (C)Chris Benoit; World
Heavyweight Title.
Ah, finally, the main event. HHH
vs. Chris Benoit. And the fate of their World
is in the hands of a retard. Huh. Now we know
how the military feels right
now...
With that said, I think it's safe
to say the only thing more fucking exposed than Eugene
right now is the Janet Jackson titty. In fact, if
WWE's not careful, crowds just might turn on Eugene
altogether. And the only remedy will be to have him
reveal that he's not really retarded after all.
And soon after, Retards the world over
will all admit to working us…. revealing
that they only rode those short buses because of the
comfortable atmosphere and stimulating conversation.
While they laugh at us for falling for this ruse, and
tipping them 10 dollars for splashing some murky water
on your windshield at the stop light! We’re the fools.
WE’RE ALL THE FOOLS!.... Umm, what was I talking about
again?
Oh ya… another
good, well paced match; but considering who’s involved,
that’s not really a surprise. Lot’s of back and forth
here. Benoit gets the sharpshooter relatively early but
Trips plays Superman and makes it to the ropes. I then
wonder to myself if I found a lone piece of
Greenwich Connecticut, and exposed HHH to it, if it
would indeed kill him. It's worth a
shot.
Eventually, the ref gets
accidentally bumped, and this is when Eugene makes his
appearance. Benoit then gets Triple H in the
cross-face, and Benoit screams for Eugene to get the
referee, but Eugene refuses. See, even retards know
better than to think Triple H will job. This
guy will have a job for life here. Rob Van Dam &
Chris Jericho should just go get a lobotomy. They'd have
more title reigns than Flair by now. Anyway, Benoit
releases the hold, and confronts Eugene. HHH
then of course knees Benoit and this causes him to
collide with Eugene. Ha. Clearly,
that's what more sports need.
Conveniently placed disabled people. Imagine playing a
basketball, and all of a sudden the coach grabs a
crippled kid in a wheel chair and rolls him out onto the
parquet floor, and the rival team all trips and
falls over like bowling pins. It's
genius.
HHH then hits the pedigree,
and demands Eugene retrieve the ref, which he does.
However, Benoit ends up STILL kicking out. FINALLY.
The nuclear-like power of the pedigree has been
thwarted~! Although, Benoit is already somewhat
physically disproportioned anyway, so I guess
he's BUILT UP A RESISTANCE TO RADIATION. It
all makes sense now! Triple H then
grabs a chair from ringside, but Eugene’s
inborn sense of fair-play won’t allow him to use
it. Benoit then gets a hold of the chair, and Eugene
objects as well. What's good for the goose is good for
the gander! Whatever the fuck a gander
is. With Benoit still in
possession of the chair, Flair and Batista both attempt
to aid Triple H before Benoit can use it, but
they get blasted as a result. Triple H then gives Benoit
a shot in the stomach and gets a hold of the chair.
Benoit, however, goes low; and with both down, Eugene
picks it up and teases hitting both, but ultimately
decides not to hit either. Makes sense. After all,
how many times did you ever see Corky violently assault
anyone? Anyway, the end comes when Benoit tries to
pry the chair from Eugene, and in the ensuing struggle,
the chair blasts Triple H! Benoit then rolls up Triple H
to retain the Title! LET'S GET RETARDED IN
HERE.
Winner and STILL Champion by way of retard:
Chris Benoit. Who says the handicapped are good for
nothing? Oh wait. That was me. (just
kidding.).
-The show
fades out as HHH looks on in anger as Eugene cries and
yells "I’m sorry!". Yes. A crying,
terrified retard, begging off from an
unforgiving blond man with terrible facial hair.
The following also describes many situations I find
myself in. It's probably also the reason
why I'm not allowed to mentor at the community
center anymore. And yes, that's how we're going out
here....
End
show.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Surprisingly
good PPV from top to bottom. I can't really say I was
disappointed with anything, outside of maybe Batista
tonight, but that's only because he's shown a great deal
of improvement lately. Who'd have thunk a show built
entirely around guys who think they're computer programs
battling for paternity with undead seven foot monsters,
bald chicks, and retards betraying their idols would
make for good PPV fare? Oh, ya, that was me. But I
was wrong. Oh so wrong. And I shall apologize by giving
it the approval that only my fat thumb can provide.
Thumbs up.
/5