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 Welcome To The Vault! In This Edition, Harry Simon Goes Back To Yesteryear To Bring Us Wrestling's Most Embarrassing Matches!

WRESTLING’S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

 

Approx running time: 80 min

Approx time period covered: 80s

Released: 1987

Host: Mean Gene Okerlund

 

The tone for the tape is set as Gene segues into the first batch of bloopers, featuring himself and Lord Alfred Hayes.

 

A clip aired of “Million-Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase throwing money at the fans and taking pleasure in the sight of them fighting over it.

 

1) Chris Curtis squashed Mr. Washington (w/ Ted DiBiase & Virgil) [8/5/87].  This was a great angle.  It was supposed to be DiBiase’s “Wrestling Challenge” debut, but DiBiase insisted that he was a main-event wrestler, and thus, couldn’t be bothered with a “preliminary bum” like Chris Curtis.  Actually, he had a point.  So DiBiase said that he had paid someone to “do the sweating” for him and take care of his “light work.”  An unknown jobber came to the ring, who DiBiase simply called “Mr. Washington.”  Washington marked out with a great facial as DiBiase paid him $5,000 cash.  Curtis totally squashed Washington, who got in no offense.  On commentary, Heenan had a classic line with, “I think (Washington) is $4,999.99 overpaid.”  A truly embarrassing spot happened when Curtis’ balance was off on a kick, knocking himself down.  Curtis gave Washington a weak backbreaker and pinned him clean.  Monsoon crowed that it goes down in the record books as Curtis over DiBiase.  The MDM was furious and pounded Washington while Virgil held him.  DiBiase reached down the front of Washington’s trunks (!) and made a cash withdrawal.  (Waldo)

 

More wacky bloopers with Gene and Al.  These weren’t funny, as it was just the guys getting tongue tied and blanking on their lines.

 

2) Jesse Ventura killed Steve Lombardi [JIP; ?/84].  Squash-o-rama.  Ventura put the future Brooklyn Brawler away with a back elbow/elbowdrop combo.  (Waldo)

 

Next up was Ventura on TNT from early in his WWF career.  Ventura was more subdued than the boisterous “Body” we would later know and love.  The big joke here was that Ventura kept calling both Vince McMahon and Lord Alfred Hayes, “Jack.”  Um, what’s so embarrassing about that?

 

A brief clip aired with Hulk Hogan vs. Randy Savage.  Savage attacked Hogan before the bell, still decked out in his sunglasses and robe.  After Hogan’s 20 seconds of selling were up, he took over on Savage and put on his sunglasses and pranced around.  End scene.  I’m sure the full Hogan-Savage match blew away any other match on this video.  They do stuff like this to torture us.

 

The Fabulous Moolah celebrated Halloween on TNT dressed up as a witch.  Lord Al popped the audience by suggesting that Moolah fly away on her broomstick.  Moolah responded by caning Lord Al with her broom.  Credit where it’s due, this did make me chuckle.  Nothing like a little LAH S&M on TNT.

 

Next was a creepy segment with Hogan playing bartender on TNT, whipping up protein shakes for himself, Vince, and Lord Al.  The “creepy” part came when Hogan displayed a handful of “vitamins” and Vince incredulously asked “You’re gonna take all of that?!”  Hogan called his 12 little friends “The Hulkster’s Powerful Python Pack” and guaranteed that “once you get these in your system, there’s no stopping.”  That’s a direct quote, people.  Sure enough, Hogan shoved the handful of pills in his mouth and washed it down with a gray concoction from his blender.  “That’s incredible,” marveled Vince.  Vince sampled Hogan’s protein shake and said it wasn’t bad.  So Hogan is to blame for getting Vince hooked!  He’s a protein pusher, I tell you!  The hilarity came when Lord Al was finally peer-pressured into trying the shake for himself.  Lord Al started dry-heaving as evil Vince laughed at his co-host’s predicament.  You’ll always remember the people you hurt when you were on protein.

 

A brief feature aired on guest referees.  First up was a clip of Gorilla Monsoon officiating a World title match with Superstar Billy Graham defending against Bruno Sammartino.  The only thing they show is the spot where Graham tries to run away, but is hauled back to the ring by a Gorilla fireman’s carry.  This match is on the Grudge Matchesvideo (it’s clipped, but all the good stuff is there).

 

3) Andre The Giant & Rocky Johnson beat The Magnificent Muraco & Big John Studd.  Swede Hanson was special referee [JIP; ?/80s].  The other “guest referee” clip.  Finish saw Swede plant Muraco with the “Swede slam,” setting up Johnson’s pin.  (David)

 

4) Hulk Hogan & Gene Okerlund beat George Steele & Mr. Fuji [Clipped; 8/26/84].  Gene introed this match by saying, “I can’t resist showing you once again just a small piece of myself in the ring against Mr. Fuji.”  Ye Gods, man!  Children are watching this!  You just keep your small pieces to yourself, buddy.  Anyway, this piece of steph was the lousy match where Hogan slammed Okerlund on Fuji and PLACED HIS HAND ON GENE’S BUTT FOR THE PIN.  Seeing it once was more than enough.  (Chris)  [Note: This match also aired on  Best Of The WWF, Volume 1.]

 

The next series of bloopers starred Vince McMahon.  He kept screwing up his lines, probably because he was strung out on Hogan’s Python Pack.  Just tell them you were jonesing on protein, Vince.  They’ll understand.  Apathy is my anti-drug.

 

Next up was a time capsule featuring “Terrible” Terry Funk having fun by spitting tobacco at the camera and mauling ring announcer/known pedophile Mel Phillips.  Funk rules now, he ruled then, and he will continue to rule long after the universe ceases to exist.  He’ll still be taking bookings by then, too.

 

5) Terry Funk (w/ Jimmy Hart) pinned Junkyard Dog [11/2/85 Saturday Night’s Main Event]. By standards of the time, Funk took a sick bump when JYD slammed him over the top rope directly onto the concrete floor (this was pre-blue-mats, too).  Both Terry and Jimmy bumped and sold for JYD at every opportunity, making Dog look like a million bucks.  Funk’s one serious offense spot was when he locked Dog in a sleeper (which Dog quickly reversed, natch).  Hart distracted JYD, causing him to release the sleeper.  As JYD roughed up Hart, Hart pitched his megaphone in the ring.  Funk nailed JYD with the megaphone and got the pin.  Funk then tried to use his branding iron on JYD, but JYD made his own save.  Next came the famous spot where Funk and JYD got into a tug-of-war over Jimmy Hart, with JYD depantsing Hart for a monster pop.  JYD then used the branding iron on Hart’s butt and the fans went berserk.  Great 80s TV match with both wrestlers gaining something.  Funk went over, but JYD got his heat back and then some.  (David)  [Note: This match also aired on Grudge Matches.]

 

Gene and Al are at it again.  This time, Principal McVicker tells them that they can’t laugh in class anymore, so the lads are forced to – No, wait.  That was an episode of “Beavis & Butt-head.”  And it was written better and funnier than anything on this dog of a tape.

 

Next was the angle where Ted DiBiase and Virgil walked into a hotel and asked for a room.  That’s how rumors get started, fellas.  DiBiase wanted the Honeymoon Suite, but it was occupied.  After some haggling, DiBiase bribed the clerk into kicking a couple out of the Honeymoon Suite.  This was one of those over-the-top angles where DiBiase was so awesome as the evil rich guy, it couldn’t help but get him over huge.

 

Lanny Poffo cut a poem on DiBiase before a squash match.  DiBiase wasn’t amused.  Sadly, they didn’t show this match either, which was actually a good TV squash from two of the better wrestlers to grace WWF rings in the 80s.

 

6) Andre The Giant fee-fi-fo-fum’ed The Black Demon [JIP; 3/17/81].  Total Andre squash, ending with the big boot.  As Andre signed autographs for children around ringside, Demon attacked him.  Andre responded by grabbing Demon by the mask, headbutting him, and beeling him across the ring, yanking the mask right off his head in the process.  Demon grabbed a nearby towel to hide his  shame and took off.  Rick Martel and Tony Garea ran in the ring to congratulate Andre on ruining poor Demon’s career.  Heartless bastards!  (Waldo)  [Note: This angle also aired on  Best Of The WWF, Volume 2.]

 

Another angle aired, involving Hogan and Adrian Adonis.  The Adorable One ran-in while Hogan was wrestling Savage in the Boston Garden.  (They didn’t show this match, either.)  Naturally, Mr. Python Pack fended both off single-handedly, and ripped Adrian’s dress off, leaving him running for cover in his bra and slip.  Was it really possible for Adonis to be embarrassed by anything at this stage of his career?

 

Still more Gene and Al.  Al was wielding a cricket bat while Gene was carrying a plunger.  Out of nowhere, the two just started laughing for no apparent reason.  Hell, maybe this WAS “Beavis & Butt-head.”  All they’d need is for Sean Mooney to crash the scene in a Winger t-shirt.

 

Next up was a feature chronicling Paul Orndorff firing his manager Bobby Heenan not once, but twice.  In 1985, “Mr. Wonderful” canned Heenan on TNT for basically, making him the scapegoat in Wrestlemania 1.  Well, um, he WAS the guy who got pinned.  As Orn’s career progressed, 1986 saw him betray Hogan in the best heel turn EVER (details forthcoming in the future write-up of   Hulkamania 2), and reconciled with Heenan.  But come 1987, Orndorff was jealous that The Brain shifted his attention toward the newest member of The Heenan Family, Rick Rude.  When Heenan asked Orndorff to publicly state that Rude had the best physique in the WWF, Orndorff snapped and fired Heenan for the second (and final) time.  Furthermore, Orndorff announced that his new manager was Oliver Humperdink, of Florida fame.  Awesome angles all across the board.  Orndorff was sensational as the muscleman with a short fuse, while Heenan was in his weaselly prime.  Ah, the good old days of the 80s.  Guys like Orndorff or Lex Luger would turn every other year or so…and THAT was considered excessive.  Life was so much simpler back then.

 

More unfunny bloopers from Vince.  They left out the blunder where he conceived Stephanie, though.

 

7) George Steele beat Harley Race by DQ [?/87].  Gene proudly introed this as “the WWF’s most embarrassing match.”  See, Gene wasn’t always dishonest.  It was 10 years later that Gene realized he could make more money off the biz by lying about news stories on his hotline.  Typical “retard” Steele match from the 80s.  Lots of biting, lots of chasing, no wrestling.  Finish saw Race give Steele three of the lightest chairshots you’ll ever see for the DQ.  Steele chased off Race, and claimed Race’s crown for himself.  This was the low point of Race’s storied career.  (kevin)

 

The next witless blooper has the cameraman screwing with Gene by tilting the camera.  Gene jokingly invited the crew to fornicate with themselves.  Gee, you’d think a “SummerSlam” sign fell down behind him.

 

8) The Dynamite Kid pinned Nikolai Volkoff in the first round of a 16-man tournament [11/7/85 Wrestling Classic PPV].  Volkoff sang the Russian anthem and began berating the crowd.  Soon as the bell rang, Dyno climbed to the top rope and drilled Volk with that classic flying dropkick of his for the quickie pin.  This was the best six-second squash ever...but it was still a six-second squash.  (Waldo)

 

Next was the conclusion to the “Battle for Bam Bam” angle that played out over months of build-up on WWF TV.  Bam Bam Bigelow was coming to the WWF, and all the managers wanted his services.  Such “bidding war” angles were common for 80s WWF, as it immediately established a new wrestler as a hot property.  Both Randy Savage (who wound up with Elizabeth) and Brutus Beefcake (who signed with Johnny V) entered the company in such a manner.  Slick was the last manager standing in the competition after Johnny V, Bobby Heenan, Jimmy Hart, and Mr. Fuji were all eliminated from contention week by week.  (It was the original reality show!)  Slick and his charge, Nikolai Volkoff showed up on the classic WWF interview podium to gloat and introduce BBB to the fans.  However, Oliver Humperdink showed up instead and insisted it was HE who would introduce Bigelow.  Bigelow came out and cut a great intense debut promo.  BBB punched out Volkoff and announced that Hump was his new manager.  The fans ate it up, and I really thought Bigelow was going someplace.  Apparently, so did Hogan, who purportedly triple-squelched Bammer before 3B could pose a threat to Hogan’s spot as #1 babyface.

 

Now it was time for a live Piper’s Pit from MSG.  Roddy’s guests were two fans (cough*plants*cough) who heaped insults upon “Hot Rod” and basically, almost killed his whole gimmick right then and there.  Vince, what were you thinking?  Oh, you weren’t thinking, you say?  That explains it.  You know what?  Maybe protein addiction is the best choice for you, buddy.  Go nuts.

 

Not enough Piper’s Pit for you?  Fear not, true believer!  Piper welcomed “Living Legend” Bruno Sammartino to the live Pit.  After a good back-and-forth round of verbal abuse, Piper called Bruno a “stupid wop,” and a brawl ensued.  Remember this one the next time RP refutes Bad News Allen’s claim that he’s a racist.

 

Filling out the Piper trifecta was a clip from a tag match pitting Piper & Bob Orton against Sammartino & Orndorff.  On a sunset flip attempt, Orn yanked down Piper’s trunks for a moon shot.  Unfortunately, my legs are under my desk as I type this, which prevents me from slapping my knee at such comedic gold.

 

Had enough of the Vince bloopers yet?  Me too, but that didn’t stop them.  At least this was the last installment of the Vince McMahon Powerful Python Pack Bender Of 1987.

 

9) Brutus Beefcake & Greg Valentine (w/ Johnny V & Dino Bravo) beat Jacques & Raymond Rougeau with a Nasty finish [JIP, WM3; 3/29/87].  Beefcake leapt off the top rope attempting to break Raymond’s sleeper on Valentine, but Ray had eyes in the back of his head, so Beef mistakenly zapped his own partner.  The Rougeaus then used their “Le Bombe De Rougeau” finisher on Valentine, but Bravo dropped a forearm on Raymond to set up Valentine’s pin in a Nasty finish.  Beefcake then threw a tantrum and refused to ride back to the locker room with his team in the cute li’l ring-shaped Popemobile.  The other three ditched Beefcake, with Johnny raising the hands of Valentine and Bravo, which kicked off the pairing of Valentine & Bravo as “The New Dream Team.”  (David)

 

10) Beefcake squashed Johnny V [JIP; ?/87].  All that aired was the finish, as Beefcake KO’ed Johnny with a sleeper, then cut his hair into a mullethawk.  This was the first televised instance of Bruti doing the “Barber” gimmick.  (Mike)

 

Next was a collection of nonsense from the first Slammy Awards in 1985.  Gorilla walked out on stage with his fly open, Roddy destroyed the podium, Volkoff won a Slammy for “Most Ignominious,” and JYD once again subjected Jimmy Hart to an “Oz”-like depantsing.  I’ve come to expect male-on-male action from Coliseum, but what’s with all the anti-Volkoff propaganda on this tape?

 

Christ, isn’t this thing done yet?  This is the hardest I’ve ever worked to review an 80-minute video.  Okay, now Andre The Giant is visiting Ventura’s “Body Shop.”  Jesse did what he could, insisting that he heard Andre was retired.  Andre no-sold Jesse’s comedy, stating that he had, in fact, not retired.  You tell him, ‘Dre.  Andre started playing with Jesse’s feathered boa, causing Jess to understandably freak out.  At least Jess didn’t call Andre, “Jack.”  So I guess the point of this was to show us that Jesse had “Jack”ed-off over the course of this video.

 

One last look at DiBiase.  This was the famous “basketball clinic” angle where DiBiase picked a kid out of the audience and offered him $500 if he could dribble a basketball 15 times.  Of course, DiBiase kicked the ball away at 14.  Another great angle that got the MDM super-over as a heel.

 

Time for the longest, unfunniest “blooper” yet.  Gene asked for his mother to join him in celebrating the four-year anniversary of All-American wrestling.  A woman who I highly doubt was Gene’s real mother walked into view with a small cake, but director Kevin Dunn shoved her, causing her to stumble and mash the cake into Gene.  Gene made a disgusting, lewd comment that he breast fed until he was four.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I just knew that we’d been missing something up to this point.  INCEST!!  I shoulda guessed.

 

As Gene started the final segment, the camera panned down to show that Gene’s fly was open.  Gene said “so long” to the fans.  Just keep telling yourself that, Mama’s Boy.

 

Overall over-analysis: No new matches, few full matches, no particularly great matches.  If you’re one of those easily-amused people who laughs at stuff like Jericho peeing in a teapot, the stinkface, or just basically, any lowest-common-denominator stuff, I’m sure you’ll like this tape.  That is both your crime and your punishment.

 

This Observer’s Thumb……………….is WAY down.

 

-HDS-

 

All match dates courtesy of www.prowrestlinghistory.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).