Tonight's show comes to us from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. And right
now as we speak, J.R. is probably praying to God that he finally makes it out of this godforsaken town for once without getting
the shit kicked out of him or having his face rammed into someone's asshole. I wish him luck. And a face cloth.
Your
hosts this evening are the aforementioned Jim Ross, along with Jerry Lawler & The Coach. And for our Spanish
speaking friends who'll only be getting approximately 2 and a half hours of this broadcast, we have Hugo & Carlos.
Poor bastards. Sometimes I wonder if they've chosen to forsake buying any living room furniture for their homes altogether
because it drums up too many fears of giant dudes plummeting towards them out of nowhere. Oh well.
Onto the show!
(C)Carlito w/ apples Vs. Ric Flair w/ a lot of broken cherries: Intercontinental Title match.
You know, it was only a matter of
time before Flair gravitated toward Carlito. And no, I'm not talking about the IC title. You see, there’s been an urban
legend for YEARS that Flair would only bed women who were blessed with, shall we say, a full mane of pubic hair…
and not just a little; I'm talking about looking as if Meng fell asleep in their laps. So, you see, with Carlito's full thatch
of curly hair adorning his head, FLAIR JUST COULD NOT RESIST. Now, we just need to find out if Carlito can somehow fend
off Flair long enough before Naitch makes love to it. Woooooo!
Anyway, the last time Flair battled
for the Intercontinental Title on PPV was in 2002 when he met Chris Jericho at…. wait for it……Unforgiven. That’s right. However, it was an entirely different
time, you see; a time when guys like Undertaker and HHH got most of the title opportunities, while guys like RVD, Jericho and Christian were
afterthoughts on the bookers minds. Oh wait.
Anyway, match starts off at a methodical pace, but Flair makes
it fun. I could use the old Flair adage of carrying a broomstick here, but Carlito more physical resembles toilet brush, so
I'm not sure if the analogy even works in this case.
Headlocks are the flavor of the day early
on, as Flair frustrates Carlito before lighting his ass up with a series of big chops (not this. Tm. James Walker). Carlito however,
eventually rallies, and clotheslines Flair over the top rope. Back inside, Flair goes on brief offense, but Carlito wears
him down by working the arm. Flair then gets his 2nd wind (although at his age it could just
be gas) and goes on the warpath, even going to the top rope…AND IT WORKS! Man. It only took Flair 30 years to figure
out that blocking someone fish hooking your asshole and throwing you to your possible death might be a good idea! AWESOME.
Anyway, Flair gets a well deserved standing ovation from the
crowd in a priceless moment. Unfortunately though, Flair almost immediately goes up again…and gets caught with a drop
kick by Carlito on the way down. It’s at this point, if I was Carlito's manager, I'd advise him to go for
his finisher. You know, the ummmmm… Wait. Just what the fuck is this guy’s finisher, anyway? (well besides the
DREADED ROPE ASSISTED ROLL-UP). In any event, Carlito decides to grab his apple on the floor in hopes of spitting it in Ric’s
face, but Flair catches him with a straight right, and Carlito begins choking, which allows Ric to scoop Carlito’s legs
and apply the figure four (complete with insane pre-leglock tango) to get the submission and the Title! Wow. Punching
dudes in the throat whilst they eat fruit? We've finally found a chink in the Vegan's armor if and when they *officially*
declare war on us meat-eaters. Write that down.
After the match, Flair puts over the Intercontinental Title
HUGE, saying that it’s as important as any of the World Title’s he’s won! It's at this point, I get the
visual of Triple H watching on a monitor and saying "Holy shit. When did they bring the fucking Intercontinental Title
back? Someone book a unification match, ASAP!"
Winner and NEW champion: Ric Flair. Now someone just needs
to book that match with that broomstick. Just to see if it lives up to all the hype! Come on, Vince, make it happen!
-Flair continues to celebrate his big win, before going over to the guard rail to pull as many hotties out of the
crowd as he can, to as he puts it, party ALL NIGHT LONG! (well, so long as they're a little lazy with the grooming
‘down there’).
/5
-Backstage, Tard Grisham, "hard hitting
journalist", catches up with Carlito and asks him what it felt like to lose the Intercontinental title. Your WWE dollars
at work ladies and gentlemen!
-Also backstage, Edge and Lita discuss
when Matt was injured how she’d call him on her cell while she was really in bed with Edge. Classy. All of a sudden
I’m thinking there's a pretty damn good chance Edge has a bunch of antiviral oils in addition to the ‘money
in the bank’ in that briefcase. You know “just in case”.
Anyway, Edge promises to destroy Matt tonight so he and Lita
can finally be "happy together". Man, if only it was that easy to get someone else’s girlfriend;
I’d be locking myself in cages with dudes ALL THE TIME, then quickly getting the fuck out of there and claiming their
women as my own. If only real life was like wrestling. If only.
Victoria & Torrie
Wlson w/ small dog and Candace Vs. Trish Stratus & Ashley We’vedecidedtodropyourlastnamebecauseitain’tmarketable:
YAY! The ppv debut of Ashley who's now had her last name
eradicated from WWE canon, just because. And speaking of her last name, Ashley apparently claims to be a 2nd generation
wrestler. Her dad was a wrestler! Wrestling is in her blood! She just has really bad circulation, that's all!
Hey, here's a question; why is it that Trish hated Christie Hemme
for winning the Diva Search, but is apparently OK with Ashley? And better yet, why am I hoping for logic and commonsense in
a fucking Divas match? Anyway THERE IS AN ACTUAL MATCH HERE, so I better talk about it.
Trish starts things off with Victoria, and hasn't lost a step since she went down injured. She also
hasn't lost the belt despite the fact she hasn't defended it since fucking Wrestlemania. (the 30
day rule 200 day Title rule is indeed in effect!). Anyway, Trish eventually
makes the hot tag (not this) to Skater chick Ashley,
and she's like all OMG UR LIKE TEH SUXXORS!!!!11 and beats down both ladies (I3eats down?) and actually gets a near fall on
Victoria, but the ring general that is Torrie Wilson anticipates this chicanery and breaks up the cover, before tossing her
the floor where she bumps face first. Victoria then toys with Ashley, before making one mistake which allows Ashley to tag
back in Trish, who goes to town, delivering a headscissors, and ducking a Torrie charge with the MATRIX move! Awesome. If
only it was Trish waiting for me on the other side of the unplugging and not a bald-headed, wet Keanu Reeves,
I just might take that red pill. ANYWAY. Trish ends up getting the pin on Victoria after hitting a chick-kick. Funny,
whenever I use my chick kick I get arrested for spousal abuse. Maybe I'm doing it wrong?.....
Winners: Trish Stratus, Ashley, and my penis,
which got quite the workout here. (Just kidding…or am I?).
/5
- In the back, we see Flair loading
the women into his limo, but he pauses, then hilariously pops a few Viagra's before getting in the limo...you
know, to guarantee that the chops aren’t the only things that are gonna be stiff this evening. Woooooooo!
-They air a funny commercial about
RAW’s move to USA on October 3rd where it shows all the wrestlers living in a house
together, and packing up their stuff. Also, apparently, from what I’ve heard, there’s going to be a large list
of LEGENDS there to celebrate the homecoming. Legends that apparently include Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Iron Sheik. And we
all know what happened that last time these guys hung out together! Hell, throw RVD into that mix , and that locker room will
be foggier than a fucking Turkish bath house by night’s end…
The Big Show w/ hair
again Vs. Gene Snitsky w/ hopefully an appointment to the dermatologist's. (I haven’t been able to eat a Nestle
Crunch since he debuted).
Normally, I’d suggest Gene put some Oxy on that back
of his, but I’m afraid he’d completely disappear. Anyway, this match was REVENGE for Snitsky hitting Show with
the ring bell. Normally, when someone tries to murder me with a blunt object, I’ll grab a knife or a ball bat,
but I guess bear hugs work, too. Anyway, this match wasn’t nearly as bad as you’d think it would be, as both guys
worked pretty hard. But that's all irrelevant if you go by the commentary, which basically consists of JR orgasming over how
big Show is. "By Gawd, King, he can push a hardboiled egg through one of rings!" Which of course
is the most important factor when one is looking to purchase jewelry. "Sure it's 13 karat, but could
you push an EGG through it?" I so have to try this sometime.
Anyway, Snitsky works over Show’s arm in a bit of "psychology",
to prevent Show from the using the “arrrrggggggggghhhh
choke slam”. However, Show battles back with a huge clothesline, then NIPS UP, and finishes Snitsky with a big
chokeslam for the win. After the match, the Space Shuttle
Atlantis lands on Snitsky’s back, and a flag is planted.
Winner: One The Big Show. Glad to see he's
growing his hair back. Guess the downtime for 'getting over' having one's "dignity
raped" is about 9 months. Good for him for getting on with
his life after such a traumatic event! Most rape victims take MUCH longer than that. (No word on whether his "rape" experience
has indeed soured him on any and all men barbers altogether).
/5
- In the parking lot, we see the limo,
and smoke is billowing out! I kept expecting the door to open and reveal that in mid-coital passion Ric Flair had spontaneously
combusted, and in a pile of embers would just be his purple ring boots. That’s the way I’d want to go out.
Kerwin White Vs. Shelton
Benjamin
What people fail to understand is that Kerwin White is actually a
very clever study of a cross section of White America, that will in time reach the goal of once
and for all healing the rift in race relations, and re-uniting us all as equal human
beings, void of any and all racial intolerance. Well, that,
or it’s just funny to see a Mexican dressed up as white guy. Either/or.
Anyway, Jim Ross makes a point to tell us that Chavo has turned his back on his "heritage" and his "family"
to become something he’s not. A Golf enthusiast?
However, as for turning my back on "family"; if one of my Uncles made his living dressed up as a
giant fucking turkey and square danced with Gene Okerlund, I might also think about dropping my heritage too. Just saying.
Anyway, the crowd isn’t into it early, but both men work hard enough to being them back. Anyway, Kerwin goes to work
on Shelton’s knee early, but somehow, Shelton rallies after countering a monkey flip by landing on his feet…but
this takes it’s toll on Shelton’s knee as well. Kerwin then counters a possible Shelton top rope assault by crotching
him, then executes a big superplex, before going back to a half crab (I think I caught that off a bus station toilet
seat once). Shelton however does not submit, and powers out, sending Kerwin into the corner. Kerwin then grabs his trusty
nine iron out of the corner, takes a wild swing (GOLF OF MEXICO. TM. Justin Shapiro) but Shelton ducks, then elevates
him in the air, catching him with the T-Bone to pick up the win.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin. The Race wars are over! Whitey loses! The
chicken’s comin’ home to roost y’all! Wait. I'm whitey, right? Oh no.
/5
-Backstage, Tard Grisham is standing by with Matt Hardy, who is still alive as of this pay-per-view,
so his boasting still stands up. Matt continues to vent on Lita, making mention of his six-year relationship with her. Bah.
You're probably better off, bro. If Lita's that sloppy in the ring, I can only IMAGINE how painful it must be to actually
have sex with her. She tells you she's going to go down on you, when all of a sudden your eating her knees in the mouth
and she just ends up falling off the bed altogether blowing out her leg and re-injuring her neck. Move on, man. It's
just not worth it.
Or is it?
Tough call.
Matt Hardy Vs. Edge
w/ Lita and MONEY IN THE BANK (well half of it anyway, thanks to the real-life "Mrs. Edge"): STEEL CAGE MATCH.
THIS WILL BE DANGEROUS! THERE’S NO ESCAPE FROM ITS UNRULY STRUCTURE! BLOOD WILL BE
SHED! EATING AWAY AT YOUR SKIN! IT SHORTENS CAREERS! MEN ARE NEVER THE SAME! -The preceding describes the gonorrhea you’ll
be getting from Lita.
Anyway, I can’t say enough good
things about this match. To Hardy’s credit, from a psychology standpoint, the match worked as Matt only made one slight
attempt to escape (due to him really just wanting to punish Edge) while Edge tried multiple times to get out, like a good,
cowardly heel.
In any event, both men stiff each
other early on, with Matt controlling most of the match early. Edge eventually comes back, and hits a brutal running powerbomb
to Hardy into the cage! Followed up immediately with a powerbomb into the corner! Edge then sets Matt up on the top, and Matt
tries to execute a top rope side-effect but Edge blocks, and ends up POWERBOMBING Matt off the top rope! Edge tries to
cover, but Matt kicks out because HE WILL NOT DIE. It’s at this point I ask myself why one shitty top rope elbow by
fucking Rob Conway cleanly finished Matt, but dropping him to his death (he will not die) doesn’t work
here.
Anyway, after some stiff shots by Edge to
the head (see Summer Slam) Hardy goes on offense, and Edge
tries to escape through the door but Hardy pulls him back inside. However, Lita slipped Edge the MONEY IN THE BANK briefcase,
which Edge tries to use, but Hardy ducks, and soon after busts Edge open by bulldogging Edge onto it.
He then follows that up by catapulting Edge into the
cage. Lita then begins climbing the side of the cage but Hardy just swats her off. From there, Matt gives Edge the Summer
Slam treatment, and kicks him in the head several times as the blood flows. Matt
then grabs the briefcase, and climbs to the top, in hopes of clobbering Edge with it, but Edge shoves the ref into the buckles
which causes Hardy to crotch himself and fall between the ropes and the cage. Edge then puts mustard on that by spearing Matt
while he was pinned between the two in a cool visual.
Edge, sensing victory, then begins climbing, but Matt stops
him, and with both men on the top, Matt finally hits an incredible Side-effect to Edge from the top rope! This marks the 2nd
side effect foe Edge this week! (the first was red irritation about the genitals.)
Matt covers from there, but
Lita (who sneaks into the cage) breaks up the cover. THAT JEZEBEL AND OTHER ARCHAIC BIBLICAL REFERENCES FOR WHORE! Matt
then grabs Lita, but spots Edge making a run (actually it was crawl) for the door, and pulls him back in. Hardy turns around,
and Lita takes a swing at him with the briefcase, but Matt blocks the attempt, and delivers a twist of Fate to his former
squeeze. (I’m begging someone to add Arnold’s quote from Total Recall: “Consider this a Divorce”
into the Home video version). Anyway, just when it seems like Matt has won one for morality, Edge hits a spear... but Matt
still kicks out! (he will not die). Edge then desperately
tries to climb out of the cage, but Matt climbs up, and rams Edge several times into the cage, and Edge plummets to the canvas
in a heap. Matt, standing on the top of the cage now, has a window to escape, but instead chooses to CRUSH Edge with a huge
flying leg drop (from the top of the cage) and slumps over on Edge for the pin!
Winner: Matt Hardy; the man who’s moving up on the OJ
Simpson “Gettin’ even for adultery” scale. However, in a world where Nordberg can kill two people, perhaps
it’s not that farfetched to believe that Matt could follow OJ’s example on Edge & Lita. In fact, one can imagine
the whole scenario unfolding in a very familiar fashion.
THE PEOPLE VS. MATT FREAKIN' HARDY
-We join the story in progress as Matt Hardy is pursued by
authorities:
911
operator: "9-1-1. What are you reporting?"
Shannon
Moore: "This is Shannon Moore. I have Matt Hardy in the car."
911
operator: “ Shannon who?”
Shannon
Moore: “You know who I am, damn it!”
911
Operator: ….
Shannon
Moore: “ Come on. You know, the Prince of Punk?”
911
Operator: “I’m drawing a blank here”
Shannon
Moore: “Umm, well, how about 3 Count then?”
911
Operator: “No clue.”
Shannon
Moore: ….
[Time elapses]
911
operator: "Okay, where are you?"
Shannon
Moore: "Please, I'm coming up to [inaudible] Titan Towers”
911
Operator: “ Wait! Sugar Shane Helms!”
Shannon
Moore: “Huh?”
911
Operator: “Sugar Shane from Three Count!”
Shannon
Moore: “No, I was the other guy”
911
Operator: “Who, Evan Karagias?”
Shannon
Moore: “D'oh!”
[time elapses]
911
Operator: “How Is Matt?”
WWE 