WWE
UNFORGIVEN
2004
Welcome to
Unforgiven. WWE’s most unforgiving PPV. So don't even
try to apologize. He's having nothing of it. And
with that said, I'll tell you whom I won’t be
forgiving anytime soon: My fucking cable
provider. That’s right. Someone at the cable company
must have been drinking a little moosehead on the job,
because what I saw tonight was hardly the
*magic* that was HHH winning his 9th Championship,
(Eight more 'til he’s the bestest in the evar!!!!11) but
more a series of glitches, and a show that seemed to
black out more than a chick on a date with Mike
Tyson.
Anyway, to
drown my sorrows, I decided to have a few drinks. And by
a "few", I mean more than I, or anyone around me care to
remember. And you know, I will likely come face to face
with my own mortality tomorrow morning; but hey, if
Undertaker can keep coming back from the dead, so can I.
And as a precaution, I have one of my fat friends
carrying around an urn, just in case the situation
merits its use. Yup.
Onto the
show~!
We are LIVE
from Portland Oregon! The actual hometown of one
Roddy Roddy Piper... and NOT Glasgow. Man, between that,
and the fact he doesn't, nor has ever had a
Scottish accent, I'm starting to
seriously suspect he's not really from Scotland.
Man. Next thing you know, you'll tell me Dudleyville
isn't a real place, and that guys like Ultimate Warrior,
Missing Link and like every masked wrestler ever don't
all live in the same town. I refuse to believe
it.
Ric Flair &
Batista vs.Chris Benoit & William Regal w/ a
woman's bathing suit.
Holy shit,
Regal seriously needs to get some new gear. I
just don't know what the deal is with this
Geriatric bathing suit they have him wrestling in
lately. Every time I see Regal in those tights, I
picture my grandma doing the dog paddle in the pool,
desperately trying to not get her hair helmet wet. But
hey, I guess I should just be happy that Regal
is actually wrestling on PPV. Even if he looks
like he should be doing so in a skull cap and nose
plugs.
They
actually gave this match a lot of time, and it was
very good. Although, at one point, I actually had
tears running down my face thinking of Benoit main
eventing not even 30 days ago, and now jerking the
curtain. Fortunately though, that just turned
out to be some beer gas. Lucky me. Anyway, Benoit and
Batista lock up, and it's the BATTLE OF THE ANIMALS~! A
Wolverine, and a well, whatever kind of animal Batista
is supposed to be. JR keeps calling him a "horse"
here so I guess that might be it. Although, JR says
it without almost a little too much lust in his
voice. Between this, and the wonton violence he
tolerates against mules, I'm thinking that
maybe keeping Ross as far away from a farm as
possible might be the best idea. Just
saying.
Anyway, Benoit
eventually tries a sharpshooter on Batista, but he
powers out. Flair & Regal then eventually
get in there and trade stiff shots and generally beat
the ever loving shit out of one another. Although, I'd
be lying if I said I wasn't somewhat taken aback by
the exchange, as between Regal's bathing suit, and
Flair's white hair, it appeared as if an elderly
couple on summer vacation was indeed coming to
blows.
Flair
eventually gets Regal in the figure four, but Benoit is
there to break it up. Hot tag from there to the
Crippler, who then begins to suplex everyone in
sight. CHRIS BENOIT IS FOR REAL. And not just a figment
of your imagination. Glad I could clear that
up. Benoit then applies the crossface to Flair, but
Batista blindsides Chris and lifts him from the mat and
slams him down hard. Brutal stuff. It's just then I
get the picture of Batista being taken to the vet's to
be destroyed because he's too vicious. I blame his
owners. DAMN YOU EVOLUTION FOR RUINING HIM~! Anyway,
Batista tumbles out with Regal to the floor soon
after, and Flair attempts a figure four, this
time on Benoit, the world's only toothless
wolverine, who then counters out into a crossface
for the clean win! Good
stuff.
Winners: Chris Benoit &
William Regal, who better skedaddle quick or he'll
miss that game of bridge with the
girls!
-Backstage, we see Christian and Trish
Stratus arguing over who gets the services of Tyson
Tomko. Dear god, that's like being in a
competition where your prize is a paper bag full of dog
shit. Anyway, Trish ends up winning out, after
she not-so-subtly offers up herself as a reward. Can't
say I blame Tomko. Clearly, even though Tomko looks
like he’s spent 3 quarters of his life in
fucking prison, he obviously still has a love
for the ladies. Actual ones. WHAT HAPPENS IN PRISON,
STAYS IN PRISON.
[Sean's note
from 2007: This was actually the end of the
Trish/Christian romance. No mention was ever made of it
again, as with all romances that run their course in
WWE. Oh well, what can you do? All I know is, that
was clearly the best dollar Christian ever spent! Funny,
any time I've equated a woman's value to small currency,
they've never wanted to ever have anything to do with me
again. Next time I'll try a Toonie
instead. (Seriously. We call our two dollar coin
that...).]
(C) Trish
Stratus w/ Tyson Tomko vs. Victoria; Women’s
Title
Anyway, Trish is of
course accompanied by Tyson Tomko, who possesses a
kick SO LETHAL, that it could kill you
instantly…if it ever connected that is. Clearly, if
Trish needed some pointers on handling "the
bitches", she needed to hire Sean
O'Haire as her "Problem Solver". He's a man who
gets things done. Clearly. Anyway, I'm also happy to
announce that DANCING VICTORIA no longer exists! She
didn't do her Epileptic Nitro Girl routine during her
entrance. Perhaps this brings her one step closer to the
unpredictable psychosis (I loved him in WCW!) gimmick we
all knew and loved. *Fingers
crossed*.
Anyway,
Victoria takes it to Trish throughout most of this
match, unloading her offense, including the wiggle-sault
and her patented side-walk slam to near falls, while
looking on with trepidation at Tyson Tomko. I
imagine this is the look on their faces Girl
guides have in Jerry Lawler's neighborhood.
Anyway,Victoria eventually makes the
unfortunate mistake of diving over the ropes onto
Tomko, then slides back into the ring, walking right
into some Stratusfaction by Trish for the win. I guess
the prospect of "putting out" for Tomko for his
services was truly worth it after all. And speaking of
his services; why isn't Tomko wearing pants? Since when
does "guarding bodies" merit you kicking your slacks
across the room? I'd be a little wary of a pantsless
bodyguard, myself. But on second thought, maybe it's not
such a bad idea. Imagine a completely pantsless secret
service. You'd be too busy trying to not throw up, and
looking away, that you'd not even notice the
President you were there to do in. It's
genius.
Winner: Trish
Stratus. Who hung pretty well considering she's still
nursing a pretty bad wrist injury. An injury ironically
enough that I myself get after watching many
of her matches. Go figure.
-After the
match, Tomko chokes out Victoria until Heat’s General
Manager “Some Strange Woman” (Tm. Justin Shapiro) makes
the save. Tomko then gets on the mic(?!) and calls out
the “woman”, as he boasts that he’ll finally “solve the
mystery”. Ha. I think by this point, even
fucking Scooby Doo's mysteries are a little harder
to figure out then this. Stevie Richards: "And I
would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for
that meddling Problem
Solver".
Unfortunately,
though, this leads to an
actual MATCH:
Tyson Tomko vs. Steven Richards w/o
Victoria (where the fuck did she go? That's gratitude
for
you.)
Ok,
cool, an angry skin head doing battle with a large
man in drag? I think I may have seen this episode
of Oz, thank you. Anyway, these two should seriously
think about doing wrestling’s first ever “Worst of 5
series", because this just may have been the worst match
I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. And none of it was
Stevie's fault, this I can assure you. I guess the
"problem" Tomko was trying to "solve" was how to make
the world forget about Jackie Gayda's in-ring debut.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Now, I could recap it for
you. Or, I could come over and rip out all your
eternal organs, set them on fire, shit on them, and
stuff them back into your midsection. Then you'd have
HALF an idea of just how painful this was to
sit through. Anyway, the bottom line is, Tomko wins
after a spinning torture (being the key word here) rack
neckbreaker. The bulk of the contest just saw him try to
strip Stevie Richards naked. Seriously. I guess my
prison jokes earlier were a little more on the money
than I thought. Who knew. All I do know is, watching a
video of fucking Rosie O'Donnell getting stripped
searched would be more appealing than what I just
watched. Dear
god.
Winner: NO ONE
ON EARTH, OR AT ANY POINT DURING ITS EXISTENCE. But if
you want to get technical: Tyson Tomko. The man who
possessed the fasted bra removal time I've ever seen in
my life. Like 0.5 seconds! And if you don’t think I’ll
try this same maneuver with my girlfriend tonight,
you’re sadly mistaken. I’ll let you know how comfortable
the couch was. And by "couch", I mean "Prison"; where
more Tomko's will likely be waiting for
me with open arms, and god knows what
else.
/5
Chris Jericho
vs. Christian; Ladder Match for vacant Intercontinental
Title;
This match has
come about because Edge had to forfeit his
Intercontinental Title, because he has a serious groin
injury. You know, I bet his real-life
brother-in-law Val Venis is glad he never
suffered this injury, because for him it could be
LETHAL! YOU SEE, HE HAS AN ENORMOUS
PENIS. Sadly, I thought this was the funniest joke
ever when I was drunk earlier tonight. Now? Not so sure.
Anyway, this brings us to this match between the top two
contenders. Originally, it was going to be a straight up
match with Edge and Y2J, but like I said, he's injured.
And pretty bent out of shape about it. In fact, on RAW
two weeks ago, Edge stated that he’d
much rather lose the title in the ring,
then have to forfeit it. And seconds after saying
that, HBK swooped in, put his arm around him, and said
"Kid, let me tell you a little something about losing
championships...". OK, that never happened.
But damn it, it should
have.
Good
match here, even though there wasn’t much psychology.
However, the high spots made it work. But I have one
question, is there some mysterious invisible weight that
bogs a wrestler's ass down when they're climbing any
ladder or a cage in this fucking company? Jesus,
any slower there, and I'd start to suspect
fucking John Woo was the agent who put this thing
together. Anyway, I'd recap more of this (OK, I wouldn't
and fuck you for asking) but there was just so much to
take in, and my limited beer-logged psyche could barely
handle my primary bodily functions as it were; so I'll
instead just bottom line the main points. A few
unique spots here as the ladder comes into play included
a slingshot by Christian to Y2J, headfirst as the ladder
was propped in the corner. Jericho also tries a
lionsault on X-ian as he’s on the ladder, but
Christian rolls clear and Jericho lands awkwardly. It's
just then I wonder what circus has lions capable of
doing full somersaults, and whether other animals there
possess the same keen lucha skills. This may have been
the beer talking. Eventually, Jericho attempts the walls
of Jericho on Christian while both are on the ladder,
but both tumble off and Jericho gores himself in
the ass with the ladder on the fall! Ouch. Normally, I'd
make a Bradshaw joke, but he doesn't work on this brand,
so I'll let it go. (but needless to say, I see more
ladder matches in his future! Wait. I said I'd let it
go. I forgot.
Sorry.)
Anyway,
the big finish sees both men go up again, and
Jericho this time executes a flying face buster off the
ladder, before finally climbing up and retrieving the
Intercontinental Title for a record 7th time. But then
again, he held the previous record too, so I guess it's
not that big of a deal.
Winner &
NEW Intercontinental Champion: Y2J, despite being the
slowest ladder climber in recorded history. Good thing
these two dudes decided to not become firemen, that's
all I can say.
- No Mercy is
in a few weeks. Either JBL or Undertaker will be stuffed
into hearse and murdered!...and no one will be arrested.
Imagine that.
-Lita
comes out and buries her husband Kane on the
mic. Weird. Normally, she's all into dudes who
spent most of their lives in masks. Maybe Kane
needs to learn how to hurricanrana. He'll get some
lovin' then. Anyway, this brings out Kane, and Lita
brags that because of her, the next match will be
NO DQ. Wait. No Dairy Queen? That's right, no
matter how hot these two get, they can’t have any
ice cream. Especially the peanut buster
parfait!
Kane w/
Lita vs. Shawn Michaels: No
DQ.
This will be the first
time we’ve seen Michaels in the ring since Kane crushed
his throat….which of course was SO debilitating that HBK
was seen at the Republican convention as if nothing
happened! And I for one am so proud of Shawn. I mean,
even an obliterated trachea ISN’T ENOUGH to stop the
boy-toy from telling you, yes, YOU, that you need to get
out there and VOTE. That’s right, even a life
threatening injury, or let's face it, POTENTIAL
DEATH, is not enough to stop this courageous man
from singing the praises of our electoral process! What
a patriot!
Anyway, the two
men brawl, and eventually end up on the arena
floor. Kane clears off the Spanish table, (SURPRISE) and
slams HBK on it, but it doesn't break. Off camera, Hugo
and Carlos high five, as the extra restraints in the
table they installed held out. Kane then suplexes HBK
through it, and they hang their heads. "¡Ay, ay, ay, no
es bueno! ¡Ay, Dios no me ama!” ¡El dios ama a Shawn
Michaels! ;)
From
there, Kane rams HBK into the steps and busts him open.
BLOOD IS FREE-FLOWING FROM HIS HEART FOR THE LORD. Back
in the ring, Kane works over Shawn's neck with a vice,
but eventually HBK rallies, and counters a back
suplex attempt into a DDT, and hits the flying
forearm, followed by his flying elbow drop.
Which is probably the same moves I'd use on a dude who
tried to callously murder me; you know, instead of
say a gun or a knife. STAY STILL SO I MAY ELBOW DROP
THEE, EVIL DOER. From there, HBK tries some chin
music, but Kane counters with a boot of his
own. Kane tries to use a steel chair from
there, but the old ball and chain grabs it from him
and distracts Kane long enough for Michaels to attempt a
superkick. However, Kane catches the foot and spins
Michaels into a choke slam goozle, but Michaels counters
that, and hits the sweet chin music to get the win. He
thinks he's cute. He knows he's sexy. Hey, why does a
married fundamentalist Christian have a theme-song that
conveys fornication?
Winner:
HBK. In normal relationships, the most you have to
put up with from your expecting wife is massaging
her fat feet or fetching a jar of pickles and ice cream
in the dead of the night. In WWE, your pregnant wife
tries to make sure you die, so she alone can
raise your demonic son, that based on his parentage
will possess both the abilities to get injured
constantly while simultaneously reanimating himself. Go
figure.
-“Mr. Benjamin”
is returning to RAW! Wait, my 7th
grade Science teacher? Why?
-Backstage, Triple H gets is interviewed
by Tard Grisham. HHH tells Randy Orton that he “brought
him into this world”, and I was so waiting for a Darth
Vader moment. “Randy…I am your Father. Now lay down for
your father. You haven't paid your dues." Ok, maybe not.
HHH then finishes off the interview by telling us that
Evolution stuck with him because “people gravitate
towards greatness”, but I think that's just his wife's
gravitational pull. I see how he'd make that mistake,
though.
(C) La
Résistance vs. Rhyno & Tajiri; World Tag team
Championship.
La Resistance
start off by singing the Canadian national anthem, which
offends the crowd to ITS VERY CORE. "How dare these guys
be from a completely different culture! Don't
they know we saved their asses in WW2?; you
know, despite the fact they were in there from the
beginning and we were like the last country to join
the Alliance? DON'T THEY KNOW!?" Anyway, Rhyno and
Tajiri put an end to that, standing up for the
plight of America, as only a Japanese guy who doesn't
speak English (Engrish?) and a dude who thinks he's an
African animal can. That's right.
Anyway, this
match was in the unfortunate position of following the
really hot Kane/HBK bout , and thus the crowd was
flatter than a Korean gymnast as a result. But
perhaps that's La Résistance's ploy? Create matches
so void of interest that it breaks our resolve that much
more, making us completely vulnerable
for...something? Wait, just what is the
point of La Résistance's gimmick anyway? It's not like
Quebec is really in the position to invade anything.
BEWARE, AMERICA! You won't see all those mustaches and
wheels of cheese coming!
Tajiri
plays your face in peril for much of this one, as the
Man-beast waits patiently on the apron for the tag. La
Rez take turns working Tajiri over, and the crowd starts
to chant "USA". Seriously. Makese
sense. I myself always get fired up
at the chant of "Bolivia!" whenever I'm competing at
anything, you know, despite the fact I'm
fucking not from there. Good thinking guys. Anyway,
Tajiri finally gets off a desperation head scissors on
Conway, and he makes the tag to Rhyno, who enters a
house of fire, and delivers a huge spinebuster. La Rez
regain the advantage soon after with a double flapjack,
but since they're French, I guess it'd be crêpes? I
don't know. Grenier then tries to use the flag as a
weapon as the referee is distracted, but Tajiri
dropkicks it low on him. But fear not, I assure
you this was not the first time he had a pole
shoved violently between his legs. How else do you think
he got a job here? Rhyno then hits the stumbling
Grenier with a gore, but Conway puts Sylvain’s leg on
the ropes breaking count. Grenier then recovers, and
hits Rhyno with said flag pole as the referee is
distracted with Conway and Tajiri on the floor, and
Grenier scores the pin as a result.
SACREBLEU!
Winners: La
Résistance. Poor Tajiri. He didn't even get a chance to
spew mist in Grenier's face. And here I had a joke all
lined up. What a shame. But hey, how 'bout that tag team
division, eh? Got to love WWE. The only sport in
the world where there's more champions then
challengers.
-HHH/Randy
Orton package. Evolution has just passed Randy Orton by!
But hey, last time I checked, Evolution was supposed to
mean progress, right? As in moving forward? If the
real Evolution was like HHH's version, we'd all
still be monkeys, and he'd be the only fucker
allowed to discover fire and walk upright. HE'S THE
DIAMOND IN THIS BUSINESS. BOY AM I TALKING
LOUD.
HHH vs. (C) Randy Orton for the
World Heavyweight
Championship;
The announcers
are of course sure to put over the "fact" that Randy
Orton is the youngest World Champion in wrestling
history, which of course is not true. You know,
just like when they said he was the longest reigning
Intercontinental Champion of the last 7 years. I
love that Randy's career is being built entirely on fake
hyperbole. Let us imagine some more "facts" about the
Legend Killer:
-As a Marine,
Randy once single-handedly took out an entire army
armed only with CHINLOCKS, one dropkick and an RKO.
Which is like a Swiss Army knife in the Orton
household.
-Randy once
delivered a standing dropkick so MAJESTIC and HIGH
that his head ever so briefly passed through the Kingdom
of Heaven!
-Randy
Orton is the tallest human being in
recorded history, at 6'4".
-Randy Orton
was the youngest baby ever born.
-Randy
Orton graduated University with a degree in
Chinlockery. Four more Chinlocks, and he'll get his
doctorate.
-Randy Orton is
immortal and cannot die. Unless Pedigreed. That's it.
The only way.
Glad we cleared
that up.
Anyway,
the two wrestle at a slower pace, feeling each other
out. Orton then teases the magic loogie…and actually
spits on HHH! However, the loogie in question is quite
substantially smaller than the load he spewed a few
weeks ago on the Game; which was actually a relief,
because for a second there I feared Orton might have Lou
Gherig’s disease. Anyway, the bulk of the match was a
lot of mat work, and if you’re an old school fan, this’d
do it for you. However, considering the hatred between
the two, I figured we’d see much more of a brawl. And
besides, not trying to be a prick or anything, but when
you work a body part for over 10 minutes, shouldn’t it
actually have bearing on the finish? Anyway, HHH works
Orton’s legs and executes a figure four, and holds the
ropes for leverage. Orton tries to reverse the position,
but every time he tries to flip over, The Game grabs the
ropes to keep from being turned. Finally, the referee
spots HHH and makes him break the hold. AND THIS IS
WHERE THE PSYCHOLOGY ENDS. Orton comes back with a DDT
and a dropkick. AND SUDDENLY THE LEG IS 100% HEALED.
Man, it's a shame this guy was discharged from the
military. You could shoot him in the face, and he'd be
back like nothing happened like 5 minutes later, ready
to tackle the enemy with a slew of LETHAL chinlocks. You
know, much like the way MacArthur, Audie Murphy and
Patton did. Yup.
Orton is
now on full offense. Crossbody for two.
Neckbreaker/backbreaker combo for another two. He then
goes for the RKO, but HHH pushes him off and the ref
gets BUMPED. In a HHH match. I think we all know what
happens next. Evolution runs in, and Orton starts
fighting them off. He's laying the smacketh down! Wait,
that was the other guy. He's stomping a mud
ho...No. Wait. I'll compromise: HE'S KICKING HIM INTO A
DIRTY WATER LOGGED PUDDLE, AND NOW HE'S MOVING HIS FEET
ABOUT UNTIL IT EVAPORATES! There, that's better.
Flair then eats an RKO, and Batista gets
posted. HHH regains the advantage by hitting a low blow
…and your new referee….Jonathan Coachman runs in?
Huh? OK, I get it, Coach still holds
a grudge for all those times Orton did….absolutely
nothing to him? Alrighty. Looks like Evolution
ain't the only "mystery no one sees". It looks like the
fucking booking is too. Coach then makes the
count but Orton is out at two; which is kind of good
since I didn’t know a guy could be knocked cold by a
punch to the BALLS.
At this point they’re
really going for more of the Stone Cold "persevere
against all odds" feel here. Orton punches Coach, but
walks into a Batista spinebuster, but still Orton kicks
out. HHH then tries for a pedigree, but he gets back
body dropped, and Coach eats an RKO which for some
reason doesn’t register a disqualification. FULL OF
MYSTERY NO ONE SEES. However, in the confusion, HHH
has a chair and WHAM! Total hard-way shot to the head.
It looked pretty stiff. HHH then muscles Orton up and
finishes him with the PEDIGREE... onto the
chair, which is like being hit with a nuclear
blast...then being crushed with a falling asteroid
the size of Rhode Island. At least in HHH's world.
And ya, Triple H wins his 9th Heavyweight
Championship after Batista rolled Hebner back in the
ring after Baby Earl had quite the siesta on the floor.
You know, considering he was only BODY CHECKED. High
school must've been pretty rough for old Earl. Every
time someone bumped into him in the crowded hall at
school, he'd be out cold for the rest of the
day.
Winner and NEW
World Heavyweight Champion: Triple H, who just
ended the amazing run of "the longest
reigning World Heavyweight Champion of the last 25
minutes". That's right. JR Ain't the only guy who
can spin shit....
-HHH celebrates with
Evolution as your new World Champion. It's about
time this guy got his shot to be champion! He's been on
the sidelines far too long! I see nothing but main
events in this kid's future! Sky's the
limit!
End
show.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Hey, yesterday may have
*technically* been September 11th, but I guarantee you
this is a night Randy Orton will "never forget". Where's
the NYFD when you need them? Someone needs to dig Orton
out of his hole here. Ah, I kid. But seriously, I don't
see the point of jobbing Orton out this soon. Hell, if
you wanted the belt off him, there's a number of ways to
do it better than to waste what is supposed to be your
big WM 21 main event at Unforgiven...where it all
began again. Still though, you can't penalize a
show for one bad booking decision. And this one was
surprisingly solid, bar Tomko and Richards, which was
so mind-bogglingly terrible, that the heavens
nearly opened up and swallowed the earth into the dark
void forever. But other than one potentially
apocalypse-inducing wrestling match, Good stuff. So, it
gets my patented thumb of full
uppery.
/5