WWE UNFORGIVEN
200309/21/03
Hey there,
Fuckies, and welcome to Unforgiven! The only
pay-per-view on the schedule that refuses to find
in its heart to forgive you. And why should it?
Look at yourself. You're a fucking
mess.
We are LIVE
From Hershey, Pennsylvania! No truth to the rumors
that Pat Patterson insisted they book the show
here so he could indeed travel the famous 'Hershey
highway' he's heard so much about. No truth at
all.
Your hosts here
are Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler, who'll also be
gracing us tonight by competing in that very ring! And
by "gracing" I really mean the complete dictionary
opposite of that. Dear Lord. Why not just shoot me in
the face? I think that'd be a lot less painful. (And
it'd also mean I'd apparently have a better
chance of scoring a commentator's gig on RAW. A
messed up face doesn't seem to hurt your
chances!)
The Dudley Boyz w/o Spike w/o
2/3rds of the blood in his body vs. La Résistance
& Rob Conway; Handicap World Tag team Title
Table
Match.
This originally
was supposed to be a 3 on 3 Tables match, but Spike is
still injured from his table mishap with La Rez a few
weeks ago. This is evident by the hard collar he's
wearing to hammer home the point that yes, he is in
fact injured. Clearly, this was necessary
after Linda was back and ready to go in three weeks
after "breaking her neck", and Kane "burned to
death" in a flaming dumpster about 2 weeks ago, and
now he's as good as new as well! Yup. But
hey, I wouldn't worry about
something inconsequential like
potential spinal paralysis slowing Spike down. He
too will be as good as new very
soon. Now, if he clumsily tripped and
tore a quad on the other hand....well, that shit is
LETHAL. No one ever really got
hurt from a spinal injury. Nobody important
anyway....
Anyway, with La
Rez, and that 'Master of Disguise' Rob Conway (tonight
he'll be portraying a completely uninteresting
milquetoast midcarder! And he pulled it off! AWESOME)
now having an unfair advantage, Stone Cold makes it
for La Rez's Tag team Titles as a consolation. However,
it's still a handicap match. Ah, yes, the "handicap"
match. The last shred of a world not consumed by
political correctness. By this time next year, they'll
probably be known as "physical disabled, but
mentally capable" matches or "Mentally challenged,
yet able-bodied" matches. And rightfully so. The
mentally challenged deserve our utmost respect and
admiration. The fucking retards.
As for
the match, it's under elimination rules. D-Von, and his
orange camouflage pants, which will definitely come in
handy the next time we're at war with
Mars, gets eliminated first after getting whipped
into a table set up in the corner by the champs.
However, he doesn't leave the ring, which allows
the duo to still continue double teaming.
Bubba soon-after puts Grenier through a
table with a suplex, eliminating
him. Apparently, Grenier is suffering a real-life
injury and needs time off to nurse his neck. Which
is an ironic injury if you think about it. (using
your chin as a kickstand for Patterson's balls does
tend to cause strain.). From there, Conway gets
eliminated through a table on the floor as he gets
dumped to the outside ala Spike Dudley. One more
inch there, and he'd have to go out and buy a Droz
costume to add to his slew of disguises. Poor bastard.
This just leaves Dupree and his
perma-erection. Heh. Looks like the Dudleys aren't
the only ones bringing wood to this party. Dupree shocks
both Dudleys by clotheslining them simultaneously,
but ends up getting 3D'd through the table to end the
match! After the bell, he goes backstage, where his
perpetual hard-on is used as a Diving board for
those who want to cool off in a pool after a grueling
night of action.
Winners and NEW
(17-time) Tag Team Champions: The Dudley Boyz! Where
this leaves the rest of La Résistance now that Grenier
is injured, I have no idea. However, I just hope for
Conway's sake, Vince doesn't get around to watching
Forrest Gump any time soon. Since Conway looks so much
like Gary Sinise anyway, and he DID debut as a
military man, I suspect Vince would give him a
Lieutenant Dan gimmick. Hell, he might even saw his
legs off for extra effect! It's not like they don't
exploit amputees anyway in this company, so why not? And
the upside? Conway COULD NOT lose the Royale Rumble no
matter what. I'd really take it into consideration! Your
BOYHOOD DREAM can finally come true, Rob! So long as
that "boyhood dream" doesn't involve "walking" or using
your legs in any shape, form or
fashion!
-Video package
hyping Steiner vs. Test (yes, seriously) set
to Cold's "Suffocate"...which ironically enough is
what I'll be doing to myself if this feud doesn't
fucking end tonight.
Test vs. Scott
Steiner: If Steiner wins he gets Stacy; If Test wins..he
gets Steiner? Dear Lord.
If you've ever
wondered what would happen if two black holes ever came
into contact with one another, I present this match.
Fortunately for us, the maximum suckage created
here didn't swallow up the entire galaxy,
killing every man, woman, child, animal, mineral and
vegetable in existence. But on the other hand, as a
result, it looks like I'll still be
around long enough to watch Vince wrestle Stephanie next
month, questioning why the Almighty couldn't have just
ended it all tonight when the cards were all in
place. ARE YOU NOT MERCIFUL.
Anyway, the
story here is that Test is once again putting Stacy on
the line, but in return, The Big Bad Booty Daddy's
umm, "Booty" is the booty for Test to acquire if indeed
he is successful. Holy shit. What kind of prize is that?
That'd be like us competing, and I put up my most
valuable possession, and in return you take a shit in a
bag.... and I try my hardest to WIN THE BAG. Dear
Lord.
As for the
match, well, it's what you'd expect. In fact, if Satan
ever ran out of fire and sulfur to torment those who
were cursed to spend an eternity burning in Hell,
I'd suggest he'd instead play this match looping over
and over for all of time. Other than that
though, Test's heel mannerisms actually make this
match somewhat perversely entertaining. That, and
the fact, that Steiner wrestles like the fucking
Tinman... if he had spent about two decades at the
bottom of a lake. Stacy actually becomes involved in the
end, and accidentally hits Steiner with a chair,
allowing Test to follow up and hit the "ABOOT" and
collect the pin as he hilariously counted along to
Stacy's disgust.
Winner:
Test, who is now celebrating his, umm, "prize",
telling Steiner that he's now his "bitch". Ya!
Wait. What? Dear God. Ya, I know when I want to
humiliate my arch-rival with whom I'm embroiled in
a vicious love triangle with,
I really secretly want to turn him into a
sex slave... instead of you know, getting rid of the
fucker forever. Irregardless though, I don't even
know if this union is
even anatomically possible. It's kind of hard
to penetrate each other when you both have
steroid-induced baby genitals. Just
saying.
/5
-Package for
HBK vs. Randy Orton. Orton vows to destroy the legacy of
Shawn Michaels tonight. What, he's gonna go back in
time and force him to actually lose some 10
championships in the ring? Good luck,
Randy.
Randy Orton representing
EVOLUTION vs. Shawn Michaels, representing
CREATION
Tonight, in
this very ring, Intelligent design EXPLODES! Intelligent
booking however no showed the whole
event. What can you do? Anyway, fellow Evolution
member, Ric Flair is in Orton's corner here and makes
his presence very known multiple times. And hey, if
anyone knows anything about Evolution, it'd be Ric
Flair. After all, he was just starting his wrestling
career when man first crawled out of the Primordial
ooze. He holds the keys to this whole debate no
doubt.
Anyway, the two feel each other out
early, and HBK taunts Randy, frustrating him. Ah, I
wouldn't get Randy too angry there, Shawn. You remember
what happened the last time you pissed off a Marine,
right? From there, we get a back and forth
match that had a lot of potential, but went a little too
long, in my ever so humble
opinion.
Randy
ends up hitting the RKO but Michaels kicks
out. THE POWER OF THE LORD COMPELS HIM. HBK
eventually makes a Lazarus (HIYO) comeback after
Orton missed a high cross body, and HBK followed up by
going upstairs and connecting on the big elbow. HBK then
kipped up, and started tuning up the band, presumably to
a nice Religious hymn, and connects with the Sweet Chin
music and gets the three! However, Flair places Orton's
foot on the bottom rope, somehow goading the
Referee into thinking that it had been there all along,
and thus the match continued. Flair then throws
Orton some brass knux, and after a swing and a miss , he
clocks Michaels as HBK was attempting a back suplex and
falls on top for the pin. For those history buffs out
there, this is the same exact finish Randy Savage used
to win the Intercontinental Title back in 1986 from Tito
Santana. Hopefully, that's where the similarities
end though, as I hope Orton has a little bit better luck
with the ladies.
[Sean's edit
from 2007: Haha, better luck with the ladies? Dear God.
Do my awesome prognostication abilities truly ever
start, err, I mean, end? GENIUS. WIZARD. You know the
drill.]
Winner: Randy
Orton and the scientific community. The Earth is
millions of years old, and so is Ric Flair. Debate over.
;)
- La Résistance
is backstage in the trainers room (who is morbidly
obese, something that always breaks me up considering
his profession) when Y2J comes in to check on his fellow
Canadians, err, I mean PARISIAN FRENCH comrades. He
bemoans the GM reign of Stone Cold saying he's a
failure. I'd stick up for Steve here, but he
did book Jim Ross to WRESTLE here tonight, so
you're on your own there, Stone Cold. Jericho tells
them not to worry as he has a plan, and tells them to
stay exactly where they are. Toiling in the
lower midcard? Oh.
Gail Kim &
(C) Molly Holly vs. Lita & Trish
Stratus;
If I was forced
to pick a winner here, I definitely think I'd go with
the fundamentally sound woman with a rana-loving spot
monkey as her partner. That's
right.
Anyway, as is
brought up, this is Lita's first match back on
pay-per-view since being on the shelf. I then fade
off, thinking of her being on a literal
shelf, as I shop at a grocery store
completely stocked with Lita's. I then opt
to test the produce like I am
wont do, only for the store manager
to tell me not to squeeze the Lita's, which upsets
me greatly, because her breasts are spectacular. I then,
turn her upside down to read her list of ingredients,
and stop when I read the label : MADE IN MEXICO....BUT
DESPERATELY TRYING TO FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE.
The whole thing then falls apart completely from there.
Oh, ya, chances are I may have been a little wasted at
the time when I jotted this down, so please forgive me.
And don't be scared if you ever see my closet glowing
like Poltergeist. I promise you it's not haunted. That's
just my hydroponic lamp.
Seriously.
WAIT A SECOND,
THERE IS A MATCH GOING ON HERE~!
Lita &
Trish work really well as a team, even taking a page out
of Matt & Jeff's book, with a poetry in
motion. The Hardly Boys then take to Molly & Gail,
including a huge powerbomb by Lita onto Gail, which
knocked her back into the Matrix and into Neo's loving
arms. I have no idea if she's supposed to still have
that gimmick, but fuck her (no, I mean, really, I'd like
to) I really wanted to use that line. Trish then
delivers a handstand-rana to Molly out of the corner,
and Lita hits the Lita-sault to pick up the
win.
Winners: Trish
Stratus & Lita, who it looks like will go onto
to challenge Molly perhaps at Survivor Series, in the
penultimate moral battle of our age
between extreme (2Xtreme?) promiscuity and
pristine virginity. Will the title and hymen of
Molly Holly survive the Survivor Series? BE THERE AND
FIND OUT.
Kane vs. Shane
McMahon: LAST (VIEWER) STANDING
MATCH
Hey, Kane has
lost the shirt part of his ensemble, and Good God, there
doesn't seem to be any burns there either! You know,
there's probably a few dudes out there in burn units
wondering just what Kane's secret is, and why
they look like a 7/11 hotdog right now, and
Kane has NO SCARS or injuries bar one
fucking Sammy Davis jr. eye ...you
know, despite being burned alive when he was a
kid...then again a few weeks ago when Shane threw him
into a FLAMING DUMPSTER! ....which I might add doesn't
go over too well. Dump-sites apparently frown on you
disposing of human waste in their dumpsters. Go
figure. Oh, well, I guess I'll have to
stick to burying my corpses in the woods in a series of
trash bags. Wait. Ignore this
part.
Oh, anyway,
Shane is out looking for BLOOD here, as anyone would who
had battery cables attached to their testicles (or as
it's being marketed on Shopzone "The RAW Enjoyment
Replicator") would. But good luck, there Shane O' Mac.
If he's just a little red and itchy after falling into a
FUCKING FLAMING DEATH TRAP, I doubt you're gonna keep
his big bald ass down for ten seconds. But hey, I've
been wrong before.
The crowd is
actually dead for this one until Shane breaks out the
"Shane Terminator" which finally popped them. And
you know, it is a real sweet looking
move until you really think about what's going
on here. "Excuse me, but would you mind
staying still and holding this huge metal object over
your face, while I leap across the ring and kick it into
your fucking head? THANKS A BUNCH." I personally
think if it was me, I'd just shoot him. Once you
electrify my balls, I'm clearly past the whole
point of trying to set you up for fucking high
spots.
Anyway,
Kane ends up getting knocked down with the boom mic, but
gets up at 9. Shane then wraps Kane up with a cable and
awkwardly drags him by the throat, down the
aisle in what seemed like an eternity. Man. Clearly
Shane would be the WORST fireman ever. And hey, clearly
Kane would be the BEST. If the guy can fall half naked
into a DUMPSTER OF FIRE and not be no worse for wear, I
think he can tackle a fucking building. Did I
mention, HE FELL INTO A DUMPSTER...AND IT WAS FILLED
WITH FIRE? I did?
Good.
With Kane
laying on the stage, Shane catches his breath, and the
crowd begins chanting "Go up", and when he obliges, they
cheer for him to "jump". Gee, remind me to never try and
commit suicide in Hershey. For some reason I get the
feeling I might not get the best support here. Anyway,
Shane O' does the old Nestea plunge, but Kane moves and
Shane explodes through the stage. The Ref then
counts ten. Huh. Shane beat himself. What a surprise.
These McMahon's are not just the most sexually desirable
people in the world, they're also the By Gawd
toughest~!
Winner: Kane.
Hey, we all knew how this one would end. I think there
was a better chance of Leonardo DiCaprio and
the Titanic making it to fucking shore then
Shane not plummeting to his death from a few stories.
But don't worry, folks! Before moving to Stamford, the
McMahon clan actually made their home on a planet called
"Krypton". I mean, how else could we explain Linda
recovering from a "broken neck", Steph from "internal
injuries" and Vince from, umm, "fucking Sable" in just a
few weeks? Exactly.
-Crowd gives
Shane O' Mac a big standing ovation. But don't fret, the
son of Jor-El, err, "Vince" will be
back!
-While we're on
the topic of Superman, Chris Jericho, RVD &
Christian have been released from the Phantom zone and
that match is NEXT~!
...But first,
Jericho enters Austin's dressing room and says he has a
plan to get back at Stone Cold. What, he's
gonna pay for Karate lessons for Debra? Haha. I kid,
Steve.
RVD vs. Y2J vs. Christian; Triple threat for
Intercontinental Title;
Holy
shit! An Intercontinental Title match!...on
Pay-per-view! Man, since they've brought this belt back
last spring, it's seemingly seen as much action as
Stephanie McMahon's Ab-cruncher. Anyway, the story here
is that earlier tonight on HEAT, Y2J and Christian
conspired to double-team RVD and get rid of him before
settling things one on one. The irony of that is HEAT is
just about the last thing this match had. The crowd was
uncomfortably silent, seemingly exhausted from the
previous encounter, only coming alive for a Power bomb
spot that involved all three men, which admittedly was
pretty spectacular. It involved a superplex spot, but
then the third man, powerbombed the superplexer, and
superplexee, for one colossal bump. Unfortunately
though, the camera missed most of it and even the
post move cover (it was only a two). From there,
everything kind of fell apart, as I got the visual of
Triple H backstage sticking three dolls with needles
then laughing maniacally. Anyway, finish comes when RVD
eventually knocks Jericho from the ring, and goes to
Frog splash Christian, but Christian uses his knees and
the IC belt itself to block the move. RVD lands
violently, and Christian quickly cradles Rob for
the pin to retain the title. After the match, RVD is
heard saying that this was the best six-way match
he's ever been involved in. Y2J then tells him there
were only three of them out there, as Rob said "no
wonder they all looked all alike" then finished
squeezing the remaining contents of a tube of cookie
dough directly into his mouth. SOME OF THIS MAY NOT
HAVE HAPPENED.
Winner and
STILL Intercontinental Champion: Christian. Poor Rob.
This dude's been so buried lately, he might as well
set up his furniture in the Earth's
core.
-Backstage,
some clown named Mark Lloyd is standing by with Triple
H. Bah. Give me Terri any day of the week. I like an
announcer who's not afraid to have hard nipples
perpetually since 1996. In fact, if I ever decide to
undertake a career as a cat-burglar, I want her by my
side. We could use those nipples to cut those perfectly
symmetrical holes through glass like you see in movies.
It'll be awesome.
Anyway, Triple H talks
about how doesn't believe in fairytales. Personally, I
thought he'd really be able to relate to Shrek. Who
knew. Anyway, he says he doesn't believe in Goldberg's
"hype", and tonight, as per stipulation if Goldberg
loses, his "Storybook" career ends right here.
Storybook? Ya, I think I've read this story. "Once
upon a time, there was a large, scruffy Jewish
man with only 3
moves..."
Al Snow &
Coach vs. Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross; Winners to be RAW
Announce Team:
Gee, you wonder
why WWE stock seems to plummeting faster than a fat girl
off a cliff lately. I can't imagine someone ever
convincing ANYONE on earth this was a good idea. This
reminds me of the dying days of WCW where we'd have to
watch a bunch of talentless non-wrestlers lumber
around the ring exposing the business. And once Hogan
and Nash were done, we'd have to watch guys like Jay
Leno try to wrestle. Haha. I'm making my own fun out of
this, By Gawd... even if it kills me. (And it just
might.).
Anyway, there
is no commentary for this match, and in the ensuing
silence, if you listened close enough, you could
actually hear people getting up off the sofa,
taking a piss, fixing themselves a sandwich, and then
changing the channel. My TV is awesome like that.
With that said, obviously Al Snow and Jerry Lawler do
the bulk of the wrestling here. I then laugh to myself
at the irony of a man who is thought of as
such a good Father figure battling a guy who likes
teenage girls to call him Daddy, duking it out.
Eventually, Lawler, after playing man in peril, makes
the hot tag to JR. And by "hot" I mean the complete
opposite of that. In fact, I'm sure you could go into
the deepest reaches of space with a thermometer, and
still not register the exact lack of temperature of
this tag. JR goes at it with Coach from there, as once
again, I laugh at the irony of a big redneck in a cowboy
hat savagely attacking a screaming black man, begging
for mercy... and ROSS IS THE GOOD GUY. After a few
minutes, Chris Jericho runs in, playing Dr.
Kevorkian, and mercifully pulls the plug on
this rotting corpse by laying out JR, allowing
Coach to score the pin, and win the announce
chairs.
Winners: NOT A
FUCKING SOUL. I think I'd rather get a Vasectomy from
Michael J. Fox these days then sit through this match
ever again. Which of course means we'll have to
probably watch some version of it again tomorrow
night on RAW.
[Sean's note
from 2007: YUP.]
/5
-Mark Lloyd
catches up with Jericho fleeing the scene, asking the
HARD-HITTING question: "Why'd you do it, Chris?" Jericho
then says it was to get to Stone Cold. I think I
hate this Mark Lloyd. I believe I wish him
dead.
[Sean's note
from 2007: This was before I fully experienced the
phenomenon that is Todd Grisham. COME BACK, MARK!
I DIDN'T MEAN IT!]
-Goldberg/Triple H
package. A BLOND GUY WITH AN IRON CROSS ON HIS
OUTFIT IS DESTROYING A JEW INSIDE A CHAMBER. What
could possibly be misconstrued as offensive about
this? [/my
Summer Slam
Rant].
-JR gets
emotional, and says Jerry is like a (really, really
perverted) brother (whom he'd never, EVER allow around
his teenaged daughters) to him, and he's going to
make his "Last ever" call of the Main Event
tonight his best one ever. Jerry is then slowly lowered
into a carbonite chamber, as JR yells out " I love you,
by Gawd." as Jerry responds "I know."
Haha.
Goldberg vs.
HHH w/ clam-diggers cleverly hiding the injured
Steph hammer: World Heavyweight
Title.
Both of these
guys are actually injured, so I'm not expecting too
much. Trips is still nursing his mysterious injured
groin that to me is not so mysterious. I mean, an obese
fiancée? Hello? Put two and two together
there.
Anyway, the
crowd isn't nearly as hot here as they were at Summer
Slam, but Triple H and his bandaged cock whipping
Goldberg's ass for the last 3 weeks straight might play
a small part in that. Fucking Triple H. You could cut
this guy's head off, and he'd use that last bit of blood
flowing to his limbs to crawl over and pin you.
Goldberg
dominates early, but Triple H gets the momentum back
after he blocks a spear by just kneeing him in the head.
About time someone thought of that. Sure beats
the other 200 dudes (if you count fucking Jerry
Flynn about 45 times) strategy of countering it by
taking it full force and flying through the air. THAT'S
WHY THEY CALL HIM THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN. Although, a big
part of being an assassin is actually shooting people.
No one ever died from BRAIN POWER. "I WILL YOU DEAD.
FALL OVER! WHY AREN'T YOU DYING?! I'M A CEREBRAL
ASSASSIN!!!!" With that said, Goldberg ends up
getting busted open on the floor, as I wait for Ross to
somehow equate this to an animal who tastes his own
blood. Why is it in wrestling, when you see your own
blood you get really angry and want to kill people?
I remember cutting my knee all the time when I was a
kid, and just whining a lot. I didn't start randomly
press-slamming the other children in the park because
the sight of it fueled a rage inside me. Wait. What were
talking about again? Oh ya, the match. Goldberg gets the
comeback soon after and takes it to HHH, but Trips,
slips out after the ref gets bumped, and grabs
sledgy hitting Goldberg in the shoulder with it.
Hey, why is it that HHH always just uses the handle to
brain people with, and never the steel end? That'd be
like having a gun and just lightly bopping the guy on
the head with the handle. I take it back, you're no
Cerebral Assassin. Back in the ring, Trips charges for
one more handle shot of DEATH, but Goldberg gets the
spear. He then hits the jackhammer and gets the win. The
9 month reign of terror is over. To a guy who won't
be here in six months. Yup.
Winner and NEW
World Heavyweight Champion: GOLDBERG, who celebrates his
big win, as Triple H goes backstage, trying to figure
out how he's going to hold up his pants on his
wedding day in 4 weeks without his huge ten pound gold
cummerbund.
End
Show~!
FINAL THOUGHTS: Meh. This show honestly
did nothing for me. Discounting the fact I had to sit
through two of the worst matches I've ever seen, the
main event moment was nice, but probably came a
month too late. RAW brand pay-per-views are
clearly the mongoloid brother to the brainy
Smackdown brands. I tend to cut them a lot of slack
because sometimes they try hard, but at the end of the
day, they're still fucking retarded. So thumbs down
here. Or at least until they decide to never book
any combination of Steiner & Test or an
all-commentary team 50/50 straight match again. I'm
begging ya.
Send Feedback to Sean
Carless
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald
spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live
Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also
cured
AIDS.
/5
