WWE UNFORGIVEN 200309/21/03
Hey there, Fuckies, and welcome to Unforgiven! The only pay-per-view on
the schedule that refuses to find in its heart to forgive you. And why should it? Look at yourself. You're a fucking
mess.
We are LIVE From Hershey, Pennsylvania! No truth to the rumors that Pat Patterson
insisted they book the show here so he could indeed travel the famous 'Hershey highway' he's heard so much about. No
truth at all.
Your hosts here are Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler, who'll also be gracing us
tonight by competing in that very ring! And by "gracing" I really mean the complete dictionary opposite of that. Dear Lord.
Why not just shoot me in the face? I think that'd be a lot less painful. (And it'd also mean I'd apparently have a better
chance of scoring a commentator's gig on RAW. A messed up face doesn't seem to hurt your chances!)
The Dudley Boyz w/o Spike w/o 2/3rds of the blood in his body vs. La Résistance & Rob Conway; Handicap World
Tag team Title Table Match.
This originally was supposed to be a 3 on 3 Tables match, but Spike is
still injured from his table mishap with La Rez a few weeks ago. This is evident by the hard collar he's wearing to hammer
home the point that yes, he is in fact injured. Clearly, this was necessary after Linda was back and ready
to go in three weeks after "breaking her neck", and Kane "burned to death" in a flaming dumpster about 2 weeks ago,
and now he's as good as new as well! Yup. But hey, I wouldn't worry about something inconsequential
like potential spinal paralysis slowing Spike down. He too will be as good as new very soon. Now, if he clumsily
tripped and tore a quad on the other hand....well, that shit is LETHAL. No one ever really got hurt from
a spinal injury. Nobody important anyway....
Anyway, with La Rez, and that 'Master of Disguise' Rob Conway (tonight he'll be portraying
a completely uninteresting milquetoast midcarder! And he pulled it off! AWESOME) now having an unfair advantage, Stone
Cold makes it for La Rez's Tag team Titles as a consolation. However, it's still a handicap match. Ah, yes, the "handicap"
match. The last shred of a world not consumed by political correctness. By this time next year, they'll probably be known
as "physical disabled, but mentally capable" matches or "Mentally challenged, yet able-bodied" matches. And rightfully
so. The mentally challenged deserve our utmost respect and admiration. The fucking retards.
As for the match, it's under elimination rules. D-Von, and his orange camouflage
pants, which will definitely come in handy the next time we're at war with Mars, gets eliminated first after getting
whipped into a table set up in the corner by the champs. However, he doesn't
leave the ring, which allows the duo to still continue double teaming. Bubba soon-after puts Grenier through
a table with a suplex, eliminating him. Apparently, Grenier is suffering a real-life injury and needs time
off to nurse his neck. Which is an ironic injury if you think about it. (using
your chin as a kickstand for Patterson's balls does tend to cause strain.). From there, Conway gets eliminated through
a table on the floor as he gets dumped to the outside ala Spike Dudley. One
more inch there, and he'd have to go out and buy a Droz costume to add to his slew of disguises. Poor bastard. This
just leaves Dupree and his perma-erection. Heh. Looks like the Dudleys aren't the only ones bringing wood to this party.
Dupree shocks both Dudleys by clotheslining them simultaneously, but ends up getting 3D'd through the table to end the
match! After the bell, he goes backstage, where his perpetual hard-on is used as a Diving board for those who want to
cool off in a pool after a grueling night of action.
Winners and NEW (17-time) Tag Team Champions: The Dudley Boyz! Where this leaves the
rest of La Résistance now that Grenier is injured, I have no idea. However, I just hope for Conway's sake, Vince doesn't get
around to watching Forrest Gump any time soon. Since Conway looks so much like Gary Sinise anyway, and he DID debut as
a military man, I suspect Vince would give him a Lieutenant Dan gimmick. Hell, he might even saw his legs off for extra
effect! It's not like they don't exploit amputees anyway in this company, so why not? And the upside? Conway COULD NOT lose
the Royale Rumble no matter what. I'd really take it into consideration! Your BOYHOOD DREAM can finally come true, Rob! So
long as that "boyhood dream" doesn't involve "walking" or using your legs in any shape, form or fashion!
-Video package hyping Steiner vs. Test (yes, seriously) set to Cold's "Suffocate"...which
ironically enough is what I'll be doing to myself if this feud doesn't fucking end tonight.
Test vs. Scott Steiner: If Steiner wins he gets Stacy; If Test wins..he
gets Steiner? Dear Lord.
If you've ever wondered what would happen if two black holes ever came into contact
with one another, I present this match. Fortunately for us, the maximum suckage created here didn't swallow up the entire galaxy,
killing every man, woman, child, animal, mineral and vegetable in existence. But on the other hand, as a result, it looks
like I'll still be around long enough to watch Vince wrestle Stephanie next month, questioning why the Almighty couldn't
have just ended it all tonight when the cards were all in place. ARE YOU NOT MERCIFUL.
Anyway, the story here is that Test is once again putting Stacy on the line, but in
return, The Big Bad Booty Daddy's umm, "Booty" is the booty for Test to acquire if indeed he is successful. Holy shit.
What kind of prize is that? That'd be like us competing, and I put up my most valuable possession, and in return you take
a shit in a bag.... and I try my hardest to WIN THE BAG. Dear Lord.
As for the match, well, it's what you'd expect. In fact, if Satan ever
ran out of fire and sulfur to torment those who were cursed to spend an eternity burning in Hell, I'd suggest he'd instead
play this match looping over and over for all of time. Other than that though, Test's heel mannerisms actually make this
match somewhat perversely entertaining. That, and the fact, that Steiner wrestles like the fucking Tinman... if he had
spent about two decades at the bottom of a lake. Stacy actually becomes involved in the end, and accidentally hits Steiner
with a chair, allowing Test to follow up and hit the "ABOOT" and collect the pin as he hilariously counted along to Stacy's
disgust.
Winner: Test, who is now celebrating his, umm,
"prize", telling Steiner that he's now his "bitch". Ya! Wait. What? Dear God. Ya, I know when I want to humiliate
my arch-rival with whom I'm embroiled in a vicious love triangle with, I really secretly want to turn
him into a sex slave... instead of you know, getting rid of the fucker forever. Irregardless though, I don't even know if this union is even anatomically possible. It's kind of hard to penetrate each other
when you both have steroid-induced baby genitals. Just saying.
/5
-Package for HBK vs. Randy Orton. Orton vows to
destroy the legacy of Shawn Michaels tonight. What, he's gonna go back in time and force him to actually lose some
10 championships in the ring? Good luck, Randy.
Randy Orton representing EVOLUTION vs. Shawn Michaels, representing CREATION
Tonight, in this very ring, Intelligent design EXPLODES! Intelligent booking however
no showed the whole event. What can you do? Anyway, fellow Evolution member, Ric Flair is in Orton's corner here and
makes his presence very known multiple times. And hey, if anyone knows anything about Evolution, it'd be Ric Flair. After
all, he was just starting his wrestling career when man first crawled out of the Primordial ooze. He holds the keys to
this whole debate no doubt.
Anyway, the two feel
each other out early, and HBK taunts Randy, frustrating him. Ah, I wouldn't get Randy too angry there, Shawn. You remember
what happened the last time you pissed off a Marine, right? From there, we get a back and forth match that had a
lot of potential, but went a little too long, in my ever so humble opinion.
Randy ends up hitting the RKO but Michaels kicks
out. THE POWER OF THE LORD COMPELS HIM. HBK eventually makes a Lazarus (HIYO) comeback after Orton missed a high
cross body, and HBK followed up by going upstairs and connecting on the big elbow. HBK then kipped up, and started tuning
up the band, presumably to a nice Religious hymn, and connects with the Sweet Chin music and gets the three! However, Flair places Orton's foot on the bottom rope, somehow goading the
Referee into thinking that it had been there all along, and thus the match continued. Flair then throws Orton some brass
knux, and after a swing and a miss , he clocks Michaels as HBK was attempting a back suplex and falls on top for the pin.
For those history buffs out there, this is the same exact finish Randy Savage used to win the Intercontinental Title back
in 1986 from Tito Santana. Hopefully, that's where the similarities end though, as I hope Orton has a little bit better
luck with the ladies.
[Sean's edit from 2007: Haha, better luck with the ladies? Dear God. Do my awesome
prognostication abilities truly ever start, err, I mean, end? GENIUS. WIZARD. You know the drill.]
Winner: Randy Orton and the scientific community. The Earth is millions of years old,
and so is Ric Flair. Debate over. ;)
- La Résistance is backstage in the trainers room (who is morbidly obese, something
that always breaks me up considering his profession) when Y2J comes in to check on his fellow Canadians, err, I mean PARISIAN FRENCH
comrades. He bemoans the GM reign of Stone Cold saying he's a failure. I'd stick up for Steve here, but he did
book Jim Ross to WRESTLE here tonight, so you're on your own there, Stone Cold. Jericho tells them not to worry as he
has a plan, and tells them to stay exactly where they are. Toiling in the lower midcard? Oh.
Gail Kim & (C) Molly Holly vs. Lita & Trish Stratus;
If I was forced to pick a winner here, I definitely think I'd go with the fundamentally
sound woman with a rana-loving spot monkey as her partner. That's right.
Anyway, as is brought up, this is Lita's first match back on pay-per-view since being
on the shelf. I then fade off, thinking of her being on a literal shelf, as I shop at a grocery store
completely stocked with Lita's. I then opt to test the produce like I am wont do, only for the
store manager to tell me not to squeeze the Lita's, which upsets me greatly, because her breasts are spectacular. I then,
turn her upside down to read her list of ingredients, and stop when I read the label : MADE IN MEXICO....BUT DESPERATELY TRYING
TO FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE. The whole thing then falls apart completely from there. Oh, ya, chances are I may have
been a little wasted at the time when I jotted this down, so please forgive me. And don't be scared if you ever see my closet
glowing like Poltergeist. I promise you it's not haunted. That's just my hydroponic lamp. Seriously.
WAIT A SECOND, THERE IS A MATCH GOING ON HERE~!
Lita & Trish work really well as a team, even taking a page out of Matt
& Jeff's book, with a poetry in motion. The Hardly Boys then take to Molly & Gail, including a huge powerbomb by Lita
onto Gail, which knocked her back into the Matrix and into Neo's loving arms. I have no idea if she's supposed to still have
that gimmick, but fuck her (no, I mean, really, I'd like to) I really wanted to use that line. Trish then delivers a
handstand-rana to Molly out of the corner, and Lita hits the Lita-sault to pick up the win.
Winners: Trish Stratus & Lita, who it looks like will go onto to challenge
Molly perhaps at Survivor Series, in the penultimate moral battle of our age between extreme (2Xtreme?) promiscuity
and pristine virginity. Will the title and hymen of Molly Holly survive the Survivor Series? BE THERE AND FIND OUT.
Kane vs. Shane McMahon: LAST (VIEWER) STANDING MATCH
Hey, Kane has lost the shirt part of his ensemble, and Good God, there doesn't seem
to be any burns there either! You know, there's probably a few dudes out there in burn units wondering just what Kane's secret
is, and why they look like a 7/11 hotdog right now, and Kane has NO SCARS or injuries bar one fucking Sammy
Davis jr. eye ...you know, despite being burned alive when he was a kid...then again a few weeks ago when
Shane threw him into a FLAMING DUMPSTER! ....which I might add doesn't go over too well. Dump-sites apparently frown on you
disposing of human waste in their dumpsters. Go figure. Oh, well, I guess I'll have to stick to burying
my corpses in the woods in a series of trash bags. Wait. Ignore this part.).
Oh, anyway, Shane is out looking for BLOOD here, as anyone would who had battery cables
attached to their testicles (or as it's being marketed on Shopzone "The RAW Enjoyment Replicator") would. But good luck, there
Shane O' Mac. If he's just a little red and itchy after falling into a FUCKING FLAMING DEATH TRAP, I doubt you're gonna keep
his big bald ass down for ten seconds. But hey, I've been wrong before.
The crowd is actually dead for this one until Shane breaks out the "Shane Terminator"
which finally popped them. And you know, it is a real sweet looking move until you really think about
what's going on here. "Excuse me, but would you mind staying still and holding this huge metal object
over your face, while I leap across the ring and kick it into your fucking head? THANKS A BUNCH." I personally think
if it was me, I'd just shoot him. Once you electrify my balls, I'm clearly past the whole point of trying to set you
up for fucking high spots.
Anyway, Kane ends up getting knocked down with the boom mic, but gets up at 9. Shane
then wraps Kane up with a cable and awkwardly drags him by the throat, down the aisle in what seemed like an eternity.
Man. Clearly Shane would be the WORST fireman ever. And hey, clearly Kane would be the BEST.
If the guy can fall half naked into a DUMPSTER OF FIRE and not be no worse for wear, I think he can tackle a fucking building.
Did I mention, HE FELL INTO A DUMPSTER...AND IT WAS FILLED WITH FIRE? I did? Good.
With Kane laying on the stage, Shane catches his breath, and the crowd begins chanting
"Go up", and when he obliges, they cheer for him to "jump". Gee, remind me to never try and commit suicide in Hershey. For
some reason I get the feeling I might not get the best support here. Anyway, Shane O' does the old Nestea plunge, but Kane
moves and Shane explodes through the stage. The Ref then counts ten. Huh. Shane beat himself. What a surprise. These
McMahon's are not just the most sexually desirable people in the world, they're also the By Gawd toughest~!
Winner: Kane. Hey, we all knew how this one would end. I think there was a better
chance of Leonardo DiCaprio and the Titanic making it to fucking shore then Shane not plummeting to his
death from a few stories. But don't worry, folks! Before moving to Stamford, the McMahon clan actually made their home on
a planet called "Krypton". I mean, how else could we explain Linda recovering from a "broken neck", Steph from "internal injuries"
and Vince from, umm, "fucking Sable" in just a few weeks? Exactly.
-Crowd gives Shane O' Mac a big standing ovation. But don't fret, the son of Jor-El,
err, "Vince" will be back!
-While we're on the topic of Superman, Chris Jericho, RVD & Christian have been
released from the Phantom zone and that match is NEXT~!
...But first, Jericho enters Austin's dressing room and says he has a plan to get
back at Stone Cold. What, he's gonna pay for Karate lessons for Debra? Haha. I kid, Steve.
RVD vs. Y2J vs. Christian; Triple threat for
Intercontinental Title;
Holy shit! An Intercontinental Title match!...on Pay-per-view! Man, since
they've brought this belt back last spring, it's seemingly seen as much action as Stephanie McMahon's Ab-cruncher. Anyway,
the story here is that earlier tonight on HEAT, Y2J and Christian conspired to double-team RVD and get rid of him before settling
things one on one. The irony of that is HEAT is just about the last thing this match had. The crowd was uncomfortably silent, seemingly exhausted from the previous encounter, only coming alive for a Power
bomb spot that involved all three men, which admittedly was pretty spectacular. It involved a superplex spot, but then the
third man, powerbombed the superplexer, and superplexee, for one colossal bump. Unfortunately though, the camera missed most of it and even the post move cover (it was only a two). From there,
everything kind of fell apart, as I got the visual of Triple H backstage sticking three dolls with needles then laughing maniacally.
Anyway, finish comes when RVD eventually knocks Jericho from the ring, and goes
to Frog splash Christian, but Christian uses his knees and the IC belt itself to block the move. RVD lands violently,
and Christian quickly cradles Rob for the pin to retain the title. After the match, RVD is heard saying that this
was the best six-way match he's ever been involved in. Y2J then tells him there were only three of them out there, as Rob
said "no wonder they all looked all alike" then finished squeezing the remaining contents of a tube of cookie dough directly into
his mouth. SOME OF THIS MAY NOT HAVE HAPPENED.
Winner and STILL Intercontinental Champion: Christian. Poor Rob. This dude's been so
buried lately, he might as well set up his furniture in the Earth's core.
-Backstage, some clown named Mark Lloyd is standing by with Triple H. Bah. Give me
Terri any day of the week. I like an announcer who's not afraid to have hard nipples perpetually since 1996. In fact, if I
ever decide to undertake a career as a cat-burglar, I want her by my side. We could use those nipples to cut those perfectly
symmetrical holes through glass like you see in movies. It'll be awesome.
Anyway, Triple H talks about how doesn't believe in fairytales. Personally, I thought
he'd really be able to relate to Shrek. Who knew. Anyway, he says he doesn't believe in Goldberg's "hype", and tonight,
as per stipulation if Goldberg loses, his "Storybook" career ends right here. Storybook? Ya, I think I've read this story.
"Once upon a time, there was a large, scruffy Jewish man with only 3 moves..."
Al Snow & Coach vs. Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross; Winners to be RAW
Announce Team:
Gee, you wonder why WWE stock seems to plummeting faster than a fat girl off a cliff
lately. I can't imagine someone ever convincing ANYONE on earth this was a good idea. This reminds me of the dying days
of WCW where we'd have to watch a bunch of talentless non-wrestlers lumber around the ring exposing the business. And
once Hogan and Nash were done, we'd have to watch guys like Jay Leno try to wrestle. Haha. I'm making my own fun out of this,
By Gawd... even if it kills me. (And it just might.).
Anyway, there is no commentary for this match, and in the ensuing silence, if you
listened close enough, you could actually hear people getting up off the sofa, taking a piss, fixing themselves a sandwich,
and then changing the channel. My TV is awesome like that. With that said, obviously Al Snow and Jerry Lawler do the
bulk of the wrestling here. I then laugh to myself at the irony of a man who is thought of as such a good Father
figure battling a guy who likes teenage girls to call him Daddy, duking it out. Eventually, Lawler, after playing man in peril,
makes the hot tag to JR. And by "hot" I mean the complete opposite of that. In fact, I'm sure you could go into the deepest
reaches of space with a thermometer, and still not register the exact lack of temperature of this tag. JR goes at it
with Coach from there, as once again, I laugh at the irony of a big redneck in a cowboy hat savagely attacking a screaming
black man, begging for mercy... and ROSS IS THE GOOD GUY. After a few minutes, Chris Jericho runs in, playing Dr. Kevorkian,
and mercifully pulls the plug on this rotting corpse by laying out JR, allowing Coach to score the pin, and
win the announce chairs.
Winners: NOT A FUCKING SOUL. I think I'd rather get a Vasectomy from Michael J. Fox
these days then sit through this match ever again. Which of course means we'll have to probably watch some version of it
again tomorrow night on RAW.
[Sean's note from 2007: YUP.]
/5
-Mark Lloyd catches up with Jericho fleeing the scene, asking the HARD-HITTING question:
"Why'd you do it, Chris?" Jericho then says it was to get to Stone Cold. I think I hate this Mark Lloyd. I believe
I wish him dead.
[Sean's note from 2007: This was before I fully experienced the phenomenon that is
Todd Grisham. COME BACK, MARK! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!]
-Goldberg/Triple H package. A BLOND GUY WITH AN IRON CROSS ON HIS OUTFIT IS DESTROYING
A JEW INSIDE A CHAMBER. What could possibly be misconstrued as offensive about this? [/my Summer Slam Rant].
-JR gets emotional, and says Jerry is like a (really, really perverted) brother (whom
he'd never, EVER allow around his teenaged daughters) to him, and he's going to make his "Last ever" call of the
Main Event tonight his best one ever. Jerry is then slowly lowered into a carbonite chamber, as JR yells out " I love you,
by Gawd." as Jerry responds "I know." Haha.
Goldberg vs. HHH w/ clam-diggers cleverly hiding the injured Steph
hammer: World Heavyweight Title.
Both of these guys are actually injured, so I'm not expecting too much. Trips is still
nursing his mysterious injured groin that to me is not so mysterious. I mean, an obese fiancée? Hello? Put two and two
together there.
Anyway, the crowd isn't nearly as hot here as they were at Summer Slam, but Triple
H and his bandaged cock whipping Goldberg's ass for the last 3 weeks straight might play a small part in that. Fucking Triple
H. You could cut this guy's head off, and he'd use that last bit of blood flowing to his limbs to crawl over and pin you.
Goldberg dominates early, but Triple H gets the momentum back after he blocks a spear
by just kneeing him in the head. About time someone thought of that. Sure beats the other 200 dudes (if you count
fucking Jerry Flynn about 45 times) strategy of countering it by taking it full force and flying through the air. THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL HIM THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN. Although, a big part of being an assassin is actually shooting people. No one ever died
from BRAIN POWER. "I WILL YOU DEAD. FALL OVER! WHY AREN'T YOU DYING?! I'M A CEREBRAL ASSASSIN!!!!" With that said, Goldberg
ends up getting busted open on the floor, as I wait for Ross to somehow equate this to an animal who tastes his own blood.
Why is it in wrestling, when you see your own blood you get really angry and want to kill people? I remember cutting
my knee all the time when I was a kid, and just whining a lot. I didn't start randomly press-slamming the other children in
the park because the sight of it fueled a rage inside me. Wait. What were talking about again? Oh ya, the match. Goldberg
gets the comeback soon after and takes it to HHH, but Trips, slips out after the ref gets bumped, and grabs sledgy hitting
Goldberg in the shoulder with it. Hey, why is it that HHH always just uses the handle to brain people with, and never the
steel end? That'd be like having a gun and just lightly bopping the guy on the head with the handle. I take it back, you're
no Cerebral Assassin. Back in the ring, Trips charges for one more handle shot of DEATH, but Goldberg gets the spear. He then
hits the jackhammer and gets the win. The 9 month reign of terror is over. To a guy who won't be here in six months.
Yup.
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: GOLDBERG, who celebrates his big win, as
Triple H goes backstage, trying to figure out how he's going to hold up his pants on his wedding day in 4 weeks without
his huge ten pound gold cummerbund.
End Show~!
FINAL THOUGHTS: Meh. This show honestly did nothing
for me. Discounting the fact I had to sit through two of the worst matches I've ever seen, the main event moment was nice,
but probably came a month too late. RAW brand pay-per-views are clearly the mongoloid brother to the brainy Smackdown
brands. I tend to cut them a lot of slack because sometimes they try hard, but at the end of the day, they're still fucking
retarded. So thumbs down here. Or at least until they decide to never book any combination of Steiner & Test or an
all-commentary team 50/50 straight match again. I'm begging ya.
/5