The Wrestling Fan dot com, in conjunction with The Academy of Wrestling Arts & Sciences (whoever the fuck they are), ranks the Bottom 25 Superstars inside the wrestling world each week,month, year,, whenever, with the SOUR 25. The rankings are based on ridiculousness, stupidity, push (or lack thereof), as well as whether or not Canadian Bacon owns a piece of their merchandise. Be sure to check back every (WHENEVER) for the latest SOUR 25.  Sean Carless' Note: Originally created by our friend TolerancE, the "prestigious" TWF Sour 25 has become a popular staple here at TWF for its absurdity, cruelty and out and out ridiculousness.  However, these days, it--like warm wishes on Father's day in the ghetto--has become an infrequent occurrence. As has any and all posting by me.  BUT THAT HAS ALL CHANGED, BECAUSE I'M BACK AND WRITING IN ALL CAPITALS AGAIN. Am I enthusiastic? Am I angry? Am I too lazy to turn off Caps-lock? Maybe. For those wondering where I've been this Summer (both of you), I have in fact been writing a book. It'll be the best thing you've never read in your life, this I promise. I am currently half-finished as we speak. Some would look at it as half-started, but I'm an optimist, you see. I always look at the glass as half-unwashed because my dishwasher broke. That's not how the saying goes,sure, but damn it, I'm making up my own.  And that said, on the book-front, I have recently learned the hard way that there's a pretty good reason why most of these other "reputable" Authors lock themselves away in a fucking cabin in the mountains for like six months. God, I hate people. And the following will reflect that.   Anyway, it turns out that I have not written a fucking thing here at the site since July. Can you believe it? I sure as shit can. We've lost like half our readers this Summer. I'm that powerful, baby. Or pathetic. Either/or. So, obviously, I have some catching up to do. And I'll start with this, the return of the SOUR 25~! Now filled with 100% more subtle hatefulness and disgusting sexual innuendo. It'll be something. And shit.   Onto the Rankings~! SOUR 25 LEGEND           Rise In Rankings        Fall In Rankings        No Change   This Week   Movement   Superstar   Last Week                 1.     JAKE ROBERTS: Jake "the (trouser) Snake" Roberts has apparently fallen off the wagon. Well, if you count getting thrashed, calling your opponent's black bodyguard a "big dirty nigger" (that's just offensive! Like he can just tell by looking at him that he has bad hygiene! Ahem), and then exposing your penis to the crowd  simply "falling off the wagon". Where I come from, (parts unknown) that's falling off the wagon... and  then subsequently being ran over by a series of other wagons, all filled with explosives and possessing wheels made of AIDS. What I'm trying to say is this not just a "rough spot" on his road to recovery. Once your penis is pulled from your nether-regions and reaches open air, by gawd, all progress goes out the window. Trust me, I know. And I'm not even an addict. Penis= bad apparently. People just don't appreciate it when you take it out, trust me. Maybe it was because I was at a grade 4 stage play. Maybe.   But hey, in his defense (because someone has to, damn it!), we've all been cheering the man's exploits of pulling a squirming oblong object from a bag for YEARS, so isn't it really our *own* faults that he just went the next step and produced a snake that just happened to be attached to his body? I mean, really? The guy was just giving the crowd what they wanted. Only in the shape of his cock. Maybe Jake left Damian at home and just thought this was the next best thing? Who are we to throw stones? (not that he'd feel them anyway).    All I know is, his opponents used to think it was bad when Jake just draped a python on them after the match! That's a pretty quick way to get an Andre-style phobia of snakes, fast.   NA 2. MVP: Poor MVP. Urine trouble now! Who'd this guy piss off? The guy who watches him piss? Apparently, according to the story leaked. (I'll be here all day ladies & gentleman!).   That's right, the reason MVP (MVPee?) has allegedly been on his back more than Lindsay Lohan in recent weeks is because he made light of the Wellness tester whose job it is to watch the wrestlers urinate so they don't cheat the test. But hey, as far as I'm concerned, anyone who's willing to actually carry around a little rubber penis filled with someone else's clean urine is just showing initiative. He WANTS it. He'd have to. There's never a good reason to carry a fake penis filled with foreign piss. Yet, I still do. Weird.   In any event, MVP asked the doctor if he went to med school to "watch dicks", to which Pat Patterson immediately popped up and quit the company to enroll in this Med School. Maybe.   So, there you go. MVP is in the doghouse. (outhouse? w/ a fake rubber penis?). I wanted to fully hammer home the piss puns by mentioning that MVP hasn't had it this rough since he went to prison (judged by a jury of his pee'ers), and that now his feud with the Gold Standard makes hilarious sense, but holy shit, I just did. NA 3. CM PUNK: The way CM Punk lost the World Title (without even being in a match) had many in the IWC wondering if CM Punk had indeed somehow violated the Wellness policy. Hey, could happen. That "competition" addiction is a demon some people just can't shake. I immediately got the visual of friends feverishly knocking on Punk's hotel room door, and panicking when there was no answer; before breaking it down, and discovering him over-dosed on the floor covered in a Connect Four game, a chess board, Jenga blocks, all while Monopoly pieces dribble out of his mouth. They'd never be able to look at a little steel bowler hat again without crying. It'd be terrible. Competition can get the best of us. Just last year I had a friend who died from a competition over-dose. Actually, he was just playing street hockey and got hit by a car, but hey, my point stands. I think.   Anyway, the worst part of Punk's title loss was the fact that he was deemed unable to compete after only one Orton soccer kick of death.  (an injury Punk sold for 8 days, mind you) all while Chris Jericho was pulverized by a balding Pentecostal Christian, (Benny Hinn once really hurt my feelings so I know how it feels) and YET still managed to somehow shake off 20 minutes of  non-violent Christian brutality, and win the World Title that Punk forfeited... and then still beat Batista the next night. So, ya, clearly the message here is that being Straight Edge sucks. It brings nothing to the table. Except a lot of Pepsi. Had the dude allowed himself to take some, I don't know, fucking Advil, maybe he'd still be Champion. Drinking and copious drug use never hurt ANYONE, Punk. Unless you count the people destroyed by it, and all the deaths. But other than that? It's record of success clearly speaks for itself.  You should be ashamed of yourself. NA 4. RANDY ORTON: So, Randy went flying off his motorcycle and prolonged his injury?You'd think a dude able to grind a chinlock so tediously could manage to somehow hold onto his handlebars with the same tenacity. Go figure.   My personal theory about Orton's moronic crash was that he was speeding along, minding his own business, and then saw people carrying FURNITURE out into the street, and of course just felt compelled to crash right through it. The guy hates lamps. What can I say. All I know is, I'd just have loved to see the accident report. His statement would look like fucking War & Peace because it'd take about ten full pages to just write all his dramatic pauses in one sentence.   Anyway, additional ridiculous bonus points go to Randy this month for telling a newspaper in England how happy he (and Umaga. Who knew Randy spoke Samoan gibberish!) was that HHH was drafted away from him, and how little he cared for the guy.  Huh. Perhaps Randy should have just done himself a favor and got  back on his motorcycle and drove it into a brick wall at 100 MPH.  No worries, though. HHH will still be there to pin him, regardless. He'd have a good 10 minute window to clear away the debris and get a referee in there before the coroner got there (who'll then get pinned after that.). 4 5. JOHN CENA: I used to always compare John Cena to Superman. Then he got injured. I tried to justify it by suggesting that maybe Orton put a necklace made out of West Newburinite around his neck last year before injuring him; but upon returning, Cena did nothing but LOSE for months on end proving me WRONG. I once again stated that perhaps he begged his father Mr. Jor-El to rescind his powers so he could live a life as a normal man who has no discernable gimmick whatsoever, but eventually I was proven WRONG AGAIN when Cena hurt his neck. (and before he even had a chance to put Randy into a hellish inescapable prison where people remain stationary FOREVER and never get ANYWHERE: The Phantom Zone FCW.    That said, I finally had to admit that he was NOT anything like Superman, after all. I see that now. He's clearly BIZARRO SUPERMAN. All the losses? The injuries after not being hurt once for 6 years straight? Come on.  He's the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of everything 2006 Cena was. It's the only explanation. But then again, if he was *really* the opposite of Cena, he'd be a great wrestler and have constant deep, witty & hilarious promos, wouldn't he? DAMN IT. I give up. NA 6. REY MYSTERIO: Hey, for a guy who was tortured to the point where the torturer (Kane) questioned whether he was "alive or dead", Rey's not exactly too great at this whole "revenge business", is he? I mean, you didn't see Charles Bronson work a fucking armbar in Death Wish, did you? I mean, you'd think being bound & gagged for 4 weeks straight would at least merit buying a gun or something; but hey, why do that when you can just DROP TOE HOLD YOUR VICTIMIZER INTO THE MIDDLE ROPE. Bloody violent revenge for breaking your mind, body and spirit apparently takes a backseat to working a headlock and giving a guy a fucking bulldog. So, ya, to all the ladies out there who were raped, and all the people held captive and tortured; maybe try some basic rest-holds against your tormentor once you're freed. You have no idea how therapeutic a seated senton can be. You'll forget all about your mental anguish and pain. I promise~! NA 7. RIC FLAIR: Retirement hasn't been too kind to Ole Naitch. After leaving WWE, his daughter Ashley got tasered by the Police and her boyfriend punched Slick Ric in the eye leaving a huge welt. Dave Meltzer gave the fight **1/4. It would have been ***, but the part when the guy turned over the figure four until the Police broke up the scene seemed a little far fetched. Anyway, things would have probably been more to Flair's advantage had Ashley just dated a broomstick like he originally suggested. He'd have gotten **** easy of that, at least.   But seriously (not really), fighting Ric Flair for real is so not cool. I mean, after all, his entire real-life fighting repertoire involves him climbing something high and waiting patiently for someone to fish hook him by the ass and toss him off. Clearly, Flair should have ran towards the sofa, flipped outside down, landed on his feet, and kept running. I would have. Woooo! 22 8. DIGITAL HHH:   According to the Wrestling Observer, WWE sent out a press release that stated that in advertising the upcoming Smackdown VS. RAW 2009 game, that among other things, (no screenshots featuring blood, the wrestlers must be called "superstars", they have to pretend Randy Orton's Charisma Rating is anything above "0")  the in-game version of Triple H was NOT to be shown in a "defenseless or vulnerable" position. Hey, who said that WWE's videogames are never like the real product?   Anyway, Fighting Spirit magazine apparently defied this order anyway and printed a picture of Kane standing over a pulverized HHH (I thought they got rid of the Fulfill Your Fantasy match? Ahem), and now WWE is pissed. So don't you even think about pinning him when you get the game in November. It'll open up a worm-hole in time and implode the universe. That part was added by someone named Levesque. Didn't catch the first name.   HOWEVER, in response, THQ has instituted some minor tweaks to the game to improve the overall realism and gaming experience. For one, during all handicap matches against Triple H, both tag partners will just shrug their shoulders, lay down, then get pinned in succession.  The really cool part will be the in-game motion animation where you get a close up shot of them and you can literally see their hopes and dreams crushed on screen. But only if you have an HDTV. Makes sense. Also, once you make it to Wrestlemania's main event, you will be summarily bumped for HHH regardless of whether he fits that year's storyline's or not. No complaints here. And finally, in an attempt to create a more "realistic" depiction of the superstars, HHH's attributes will all be in excess of "9000". (HBK's will be a close second with "95").  I like it.   Oh, and for the record, THQ are also currently looking to find a way for HHH to somehow leave the console and mock your life's foibles in an irreverent way that only 4 people will understand. The programmers are working feverishly as we speak, only being given breaks every so often to be pinned by Triple H. I for one look forward to all of this increased realism! NA 9. JEFF HARDY:  Last week, there was issues with Jeff Hardy at an Airport, with rumors that he was detained. I immediately thought the worst (YOU CANNOT SAY SWANTON BOMB ON AN AIRPLANE). I then pictured poor Jeff in prison down in Guantanamo Bay where he'd then no doubt be kicking himself for his choice of low slung pants given the company he'd now be keeping. But it's all good. Apparently he was just drunk and they didn't think he should board the plane. But I got to ask, how bad could a drunken Jeff Hardy possibly be? Oh. Never mind. NA 10. PANTSLESS CHRIS JERICHO: You have no idea how happy I am that Chris Jericho is once again a World Champion. It's just too bad he had to do it whilst practically free-balling it. But there is a lesson to be learned here. Pants= HINDRANCE. Chris Jericho with pants barely made a dent in WWE. The moment he drops trough he's the fucking Champion of Earth. So, friends, join me in kicking off my pants and following his grand example. We can all share the same cell together. It'll be great. And awkward. 9 11. BRADEN WALKER: Poor Braden Walker. You know,  the former Wildcat Chris Harris?  One of the most recent victims of Stephanie McMahon's big rolodex of stupid-assed Soap Opera names, and a dude who only got like two weeks on TV before getting his umm, Braden Walking papers? But that's not all. According to this emotional video. Wrestling in WWE for 2 weeks destroyed his passion for the business. However, his other true passion, EATING, remains unaffected. So don't feel too bad. NA 12. JUSTIN CREDIBLE: Hey, apparently, Justin Credible has moved up in the food chain (LITERALLY) trading in his lofty position at TARGET stacking EXTREME cans, to be a bread-stick baker at Olive Garden! He's even changed his name in honor of his culinary position to Justin Edible. Maybe.    Anyway, I'd like to wish Justin the best of luck. (And tell me that you're not picturing him baking giant breadsticks that double as Singapore Canes.). I'd say I'd hope that he eventually moves up in the company to head Chef; but seriously, come on. Who'd ever put Justin Credible in their top position? Oh. NA 13. MICHELLE MCCOOL: Normally, being trapped between Undertaker's legs with your head pushed down in his groin causes instant submission in WWE, but when you're Michelle McCool, apparently it gains you a Women's Title! Maybe it's because she takes the Gogoplata while he's not wearing pants. And she has the decency to not bleed from the mouth during. (a serious turn off when getting head whilst simultaneously choking someone into painful unconsciousness. We've all been there!).   That said, for those who don't know, Undertaker has apparently been "burying his stiff" in the umm, darkside of Michelle's lower extremities, and that's the *real* reason why she's getting a push on Smackdown, despite the fact you can clearly hear the fat guy 30 rows back farting into his seat cushion during all of her Intros and matches. THEY'RE PIPING IN SILENCE~! But hey, I've got to say, maybe she's earned it (urned it?). Having sex with Undertaker has to be one tough prospect. I mean, the guy just would instinctually roll off his back every two seconds, so missionary would be a real chore. It's true. Undertaker hasn't been flat on his back in YEARS.   In Undertaker's defense, I can see why he's attracted to Michelle, though. She's lovin' life, while, umm, he's lovin' the complete opposite. Ya, bad choice. But hey, the way she's rapidly losing weight, she does look like she's slowly decomposing. Maybe he's just happy to not be the only walking corpse in the relationship. I'll go with that. NA 14. DIVA'S CHAMPIONSHIP: Speaking of Michelle McCool, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention her DIVA'S TITLE. The only wrestling title on earth that you get a complimentary Hannah Montana back pack with every successful defense! Dear God. All of a sudden, the Spinner Belt is looking pretty good. And therein is the *real* reason it was created. It's Spinner Belt's own person  D.U.F.F. (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). It's designed to make the spinner look more attractive by proxy, the way mediocre looking girls always surround themselves with fat ugly girls to make themselves look better. That's got to be it!   But hey, maybe it's just an honor to have ANY title. I mean, there's people out there that'll tell you that a belt is a belt. It doesn't matter what it looks like. Even if its' a big gold Tramp-Stamp. IT'S JUST AN HONOR TO WIN A BELT. Right? Right? Ahem. NA 15. JBL'S MOOBS: Leave The Mammaries Alone. Since Ric Flair retired, one man and one man only has more than stood up to fill his busty stead: JBL. In the past year , JBL has given birth to arguably the only real breasts on the entire RAW brand. And unlike the Divas, he's actually allowed to walk around completely topless. I guess the only silver lining is that if you're being violated in the sanctity of the locker-room by JBL now, you can at least just squint, stare at his chest and pretend he's actually a woman. A woman with a  penis. NA 16. BATISTA: There's rumors that Batista may be taking his (basket)ball and going home in a couple of years and calling it a career. He is apparently upset at his lack of push in recent months. And I have to agree. I mean, he didn't wrestle for the World title at what, at least two or three PPVs in the last 3 years? (He apparently pressed "b" and Down, when he meant to press Up and "a" in the unlimited Title shot Konami code). That's just insulting. A guy has his limits as far as how much abuse he can take, after all. I'm definitely with Big Dave on this one. Don't judge the Animal until you've walked a mile through a pit of danger in his shoes. NA 17. PAUL BURCHILL: There's a rumor that Paul Burchill may be not long for WWE. If there's any justice, they'll at least make him first walk the plank off the roof of Titan Tower as a tip of the giant cross-boned feathered hat to his celebrated stint as a pirate. (back when he was putting TREASURE in his Booty, instead of his cock in his sister's.).   And speaking of Katie-Lea, perhaps Mr. Burchill is just fucking the wrong guy's sister?  Maybe he should try someone else's. Maybe Shane McMahon's. The last scruffy, tall, long blond-haired guy named Paul who did so ended up with 12 World titles. Just saying. 20 18. MIKE ADAMLE: Hey, I don't need to explain this one. It's Mike Adamle. You know, the guy who mispronounces the most basic words, is seemingly quasi-retarded, and seemingly has no qualifications for his high position whatsoever? And who somehow, miraculously maintains this position despite YEARS of being a total clusterfuck at everything he's ever attempted? And clearly, with those lofty qualifications, there's only one next logical stop: THE PRESIDENCY~! There's already been a precedent set! He's a sure thing! Even if he has us strangely invade Jamaica instead of the Middle East. VOTE ADAMLE in 2012~! Jamaican the right choice! Don't let the Rastafarians win. NA 19. RAVEN'S LAWSUIT: Scott "Raven" Levy is currently embroiled in a class action lawsuit against WWE over WWE's claims that their wrestlers are "independent contractors". And not ACTUAL contractors as I'd have hoped. Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan helped BUILD the Industry, after all! And who knows more about difficult screwing than Edge? Ya.   Anyway, he and two others (Kanyon and MIKE SANDERS) have also joined the fray, seeking retroactive damages, despite Kanyon only having a cup of coffee in WWE, and Sanders, well, not even being allowed to go into the "coffee house" altogether and just being forced to watch other people order "coffee" from afar as he freezes to death out in the snow because no one loves him. I'm just paraphrasing here.   Now, that said, I could go into the lawsuit and why Raven is right, but  why do that, when I can just sue "Above Average" Mike Sanders himself for compensatory damages? The pain I personally suffered while watching him in WCW still plagues me to this day. Hell, I'm even sterile because of it. Kind of. I dropped the remote on my balls in 2000 during a Sanders/Ernest Miller match whilst feverishly fumbling to turn the channel.  Close enough. My doctor (Death, Steve Williams, filling in for my normal masked physician, Wagner) informed me that this is a pain I'll have to live with for the rest of my life (which is apparently about 2 more years if my current lifestyle has anything to say about it.). I think I have a hell of a case. My exhibit A is the entire New Blood vs. Millionaire's Club feud. Dozens of dollars (Sanders current net-worth) HERE I COME. NA 20. STEVEN RICHARDS: WWE showed him, he saw. Unfortunately what that was his pink slip. It is truly a black day in sports entertainment. I cannot help but feel that I am to blame partially. After all, we made so many jokes about WWE forgetting that he even worked there for the past 10 years that they probably finally found out that he did in fact work there. Funaki, you're next, buddy.    I was hoping that they'd have at least moved him to the basement of Titan Tower before he finally snapped and set the whole place on fire, but hey, that's just me. All I know is, I REFUSE to change the name of  the current Fanny Award in his honor. If somehow Lance Cade is still employed in 6 years, I might reconsider. You might want to invest in a nose & glasses disguise, Lance, and learn to hide behind bulky objects when you hear Johnny Ace rolling down the hall on his skateboard. You know, just in case. NA 21. DAMIAN DEMENTO: Youtube celebrity or "guy who lost to Undertaker once in 1993", Damian Demento, is apparently coming out of retirement at 50(ish). It's just a matter of getting back into ring shape (by any means necessary) again says he. I hope he means Ico-Pro. That shit was last relevant when he was. It'd just be poetic. Oh, and I think the real reason he's getting back into the ring is because his wife is tired of those giant teeth-covered hairy shoulder pads senselessly hanging in her closet, and this was his justification for still keeping them. It was either a return to wrestling or a yard sale. (hey, I'd buy furry shoulder pads over a commemorative Elvis plate ANY day.).    I do seriously wish him luck, though. Although, by my memory, the guy's only move was talking to his thumb, so I don't know how much iron-pumping the dude actually has to do. I mean, you don't have to be ripped to shreds to get pinned every night, right? I don't imagine his thumb has gotten that out of shape. Best of luck, though, Damian. Hopefully, soon, we'll be seeing you on TV again for five minutes before never being seen again. Shoot for the stars, buddy. Then get pinned by them. And released. Good luck. NA 22. BROOKE HOGAN: This is what we call "filler" in the column business.  However, Brooke gets mentioned because A) She's the product of the Hulkster's red & yellow seed, bruther, and B) She's mindlessly stupid. So, there you go. And her crime? While on Howard Stern, she apparently had no idea who the Vice President was. I mean, not a clue. Which I find hilariously ironic. Cheney & her brother Nick have a ton of things in common. Like say, caving in their best friend's face and not admitting any guilt? So, ya, there you go. Brooke can perhaps get back in my good graces by pulling a page from the Hulkster's book (start with the chapter where he kills Andre with a bodyslam  three days after Wrestlemania 3!) and just tear her shirt off. Then we can have sex while Vince McMahon yells out "the Madness meets the Mania!" Only it'll be a thinly veiled euphemism for my penis inside her vagina. Only more thinly veiled, you see. NA 23. VICKIE GUERRERO: Hey, here's a question. Why is it that every husband Vickie has ends up in Hell in WWE? I'd suggest her maybe somehow hooking up with HBK. At least you KNOW where's he's ending up. (despite Bret Hart's best wishes). Hell (Puns~!), she might even be privy to some Jesus-style miracles as a result of the union. I'd suggest maybe hoping that after laying hands on her she becomes really, really attractive; but hey, even God has his limitations! NA   24.   GAIL KIM: Some might think that Gail is getting this nomination for her TNA/WWE contract situation, but in reality, I'm nominating her because the rumor is she's dating BRET HART. Or as she calls him, Blet Halt. It's so cute.   However, if this is true, there is one hilarious coincidence. Gail Kim's storyline sister in TNA is actually the daughter of REFEREE EARL HEBNER. It's true! So, I think I'm not alone when I say, don't trust Gail, Bret! It's all a RUSE! (Luse?). You'll be in bed, with Gail on top, and just as you're about to climax and (sharp)shoot your load, Earl with fly into the room and ring a bell and the nightmare will start ALL OVER AGAIN! Bret Screwed Bret. Well, Gail too, but you know what I mean. NA 25. SEAN CARLESS That's right, yours me'ly gets a nomination this month for almost getting sued by WWE for THIS WWE Kids parody. Anyway, after conferring with TWF's attorney Chester B. Bailybottom, (of the firm of Cheatnum & Howe) that afternoon I took a crash course in Copyright Law and by gawd, I triumphed. I was like that asshole Leonardo DiCaprio played in Catch Me If You Can, only like Awesome, you see. And thus I remain here to provide you with Satire. Andariel Halo from TWF's REALLY TERRIBLE FORUMS put it best:   By the transitive fallacy totally legit and real truth, that would mean that if Sean Carless defeated Vince McMahon, and Vince McMahon defeated the United States Federal Government... then Sean Carless defeated the United States Federal Government.   There you have it. But hey, I'm still nominated because I'm a really horrible person. Children were upset with my depiction of WWE KIDS according to the lawyer, and apparently they don't find the same playful joy and innocent wonderment that I did with a child crying at the sight of Vince McMahon's hairless dirt-chute. Go figure. NA     I'm Sean.   Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS. Send Feedback to Sean Carless