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Welcome to the Wrestling
Fan.com ShopZone! A place where tastelessness
knows no bounds, and money is no object
(seriously.)
Feel free to browse our collection
of "products" below... and accept the fact that
you're probably going to Hell for doing
so...
INTRODUCING: GOLDBERG
BRAND "HE-BREW"!
FEAR THE
SPEAR
BEER!
In
2003, Goldberg got a taste for the frosty ale
after a much celebrated "Beer Bash" with Stone
Cold. And not wanting to be the only baldheaded
guy in the company to not partake in the joys of
massively dangerous Alcohol intake, Goldberg
fashioned HIS VERY OWN BEVERAGE, that is both
pleasing to Jehovah and packs the same impact of
an errant career-ending mule
kick!
Introducing
Goldberg's Brand "He-Brew"; an alcohol alternative
for Orthodox Jews and unstoppable Monsters with
Unorthadox styles everywhere!
And
the best part? With Goldberg Brand
"He-BREW", the bottle is UNBREAKABLE, so you
won't get injured if the urge to plunge your fist
through the glass emerges!
Order
Now!
Warning: Beer may
completely fizzle out after one
year.
* Not to be taken with meat on
the Sabbath.
INTRODUCING: THE ROB FEINSTEIN
CHILDREN'S GROWTH
CHART!
With Christmas fast
approaching, Jolly St. Nick isn't the only one
looking to leave children's rooms with an empty
sack! Introducing, the Rob Feinstein "Growth
Chart", for ages 14 (I'll pretend you said 18 lol)
and under!
Just how does your little tyke
measure up against the Fun Athletic Guy? And more
important, how is he at keeping secrets? (Code of
Honor!)
 Order NOW, and Rob just may make
the trip to YOUR suburban town house for a
personal
delivery!*
*Teenagers sold
separately.
INTRODUCING: PAUL HEYMAN'S
"HAVE LESS MONEY
NOW!"
Have you ever wanted to run a
successful, profitable wrestling company with
years of longevity, through smart spending,
careful planning and
financial integrity? Well, maybe there's another book out there
for you.
Introducing: Paul Heyman's
"Have Less Money Now!" A practical guide to making
money on a grand scale, so long as
you do the complete opposite as the book
entails!
Step by step, Paul takes you
through the motions, shattering all stereotypes
that the Jews are good with their money, as
he takes you through his time tested unsuccessful,
successful formula of taking less and turning it
into "way less".
It's all here, from Chapter 1:
"Money Is No object! (seriously. I mean it.
There's no money.)" to Chapter 10: "Hey, what if
we put the Title on Aldo Montoya?" to the
heartbreaking Final Chapter: "Hmm, I could pay Rob
Van Dam....or... I
could make
Rollerball!"
In fact, if you're not
significantly poorer after reading this
book, there's obviously something right
with you!
Order now! (Or you
could save time and just light your wallet on
fire).
INTRODUCING: THE SONNY
SIAKI "LEGEND KILLER"
T-SHIRT!
One confirmed kill, but
suspected in others! Don't just draft
a dead pool, honor the man who fills it! The "Sonny
Siaki: Legend Killer" shirt is great for relaxing
around the house, errant dropkicking people to an
ultimate demise or just paying your
respects at funerals for wrestlers killed by Sonny
Siaki himself!
However, if for
whatever reason, you or a loved one is not 100%
satisfied with your purchase, send us your
mailing address and we'll send Sonny Siaki himself to
your house to dropkick you. We have a feeling you
won't complain again!
(seriously.).
Order now!
HULKAMANIA ORANGE
JUICE!
It was only a matter of time
beforeFlorida's two
greatest exports joined forces! And now, we at the
Wrestling Fan are glad to present "Hulkamania
Orange Juice!"
Finally, The Hulkster came up
with his own *exclusive* citrus drink; because
let's be honest, who knows more about juicing than the
Hulkster? You see, every Hulkamania Orange has
been organically grown, packed with preservatives
to create an unnatural orange hue, and
injected with a variety of growth hormones, to
create that superior drinking
experience. In fact, many of our satisfied
customers have claimed that after ingesting this
breakfast phenomenon, they were able to run
faster, jump higher, and pick up things they
strangely had no chance of doing so before
tasting the rich bold taste of Hulkamania Juice!
Let's see Sunny D. do that!
So next time you’re looking
for a pick me up in the morning, or just
need a charge to help you nonsensically pick
up fat people for no reason and by god, slam
them, take a slug off of the juice packed
with "Python
Power!"*
*
HGH.
-Surgeon General warns:
Prolonged use of product may lead to balding, bone
degeneration, and
shrunken testicles. But no worries about the
latter,: because as
the Hulk says "Small potatoes make the steak look
bigger, bruther!"
ADAM COPELAND ON EDGE ON
LITA.
"You think you know them? You've read
*both* their books, but there's one last chapter
in the stories of Adam Copeland and Amy
Dumas! In this TWF
Shopzone *exclusive*, this double-sequel reveals
that Lita's REAL ' Road less
traveled' went up the
Hershey
Highway!
*Bonus offer! If you act NOW,
we'll reserve you a copy of Edge's brand new Eddie
Guerrero inspired T-shirt! "He Lies on
either people's girlfriends! He Cheats on his
wife! He steals umm, other people's
girlfriends!" (It's still a work in progress...)
So, go over the EDGE
today! (or under, if you're someone
else's woman!)
Order now and we'll throw in complimentary BOTTLED
TEARS OF MATT
HARDY!
PAT PATTERSON'S "MANWICH"
MEAL!
 Introducing:
the Newest product from our fledgling TWF
Food line, (the same people who brought
you Steve Austin's Black-Eyed
Peas) comes: Pat's Manwich
Meal!
Are
you hungry for a man-sized meal? Well crack open a
can of Pat's Manwich! You see, Patterson has over
20 Years experience stuffing his meat into buns!
And not any old buns will do, you see, Pat
hand-picks the freshest, newest buns around, and
fills the can personally with his own tender, love
and care!
So, next time you have
a man's appetite, let Pat fill you up.
Because when you think of meat in the can...you gotta think
Pat Patterson!
Also, Coming Soon! Pat's
Ballpark Franks! You won't regret it when you put
Patterson's wiener in your mouth!
PAUL HEYMAN BRAND
KOOL-AID!
Introducing: HEYMAN KOOL-AID!
The only flavored drink in the world that makes
excuses for why you should keep drinking it, even
though it provides you with little to nothing!!
That's right. One glass of Heyman flavored
Kool-aid and suddenly you'll have the urge to work
for 3 years without having ever been paid, and
only realize how truly screwed you were long after
the fact. Let's see Tang provide that sort of
false sense of
security.
Heyman Kool-Aid is
also the *number one* drink of unpaid manual
labor and SWEAT SHOPS around the world!; so
whether you're sweating in said shop
designing shoes for in-ring gags featuring John
Cena, or just sweating as to how you're going to
explain to your wife and children why
a Repo Man just took your car and the bank
foreclosed on your house, cool down with a
tall glass (may appear significantly smaller in
New York and Stamford) of Heyman Kool-Aid,
ignore your worries, and just hope that next
time your boss actually signs the
fucking checks!
Remember, that's Heyman brand
Kool-aid, the BEST drink you’ve ever
had*, or NO money back! Serve Heyman Kool-aid
at your table today! And then smash yourself
through it!
*Euphoria experienced by
drinking Heyman Kool-Aid only temporary. Prolonged
exposure may cause irritability, bankruptcy, and
angry 90 minute RF shoot
videos.
 LITA BRAND
CONDOMS!
Do you have a night of sex on
the horizon that’s just 2Xtreme?
You see, whether it's sharing
yourself with an entire locker room south of the
border, or just bartering your boyfriend's life
for a night of copulation with a brooding
undead psycho, FINALLY, there's a
contraceptive for you!
Introducing *NEW* Lita brand
condoms! Guaranteed to catch about 50% of your
lover’s bounty… or your money back! (Dignity not
so much).
You see, Lita brand condoms
are now AERATED for his pleasure! As we at Lita
Co. have FINALLY done away with that pesky
reservoir tip that always seems to get in the way!
In fact, your man will think he’s not even wearing
the condom….because 9/10 times, he won’t
be!
And most importantly, your
Lita brand condom is guaranteed to exceed
temperatures of 100 degrees Fahrenheit, in those
cases you bed a man with pyromanical super natural
powers! (You won’t find THAT with Trojan or
Sheik!).
So, whether you’re looking at
an evening of lust with a seven foot demon, or
just staying at home cuddling with your
boyfriend's best friend around the fireplace,
choose the brand Lita swears by!
Lita Brand Condoms. For
those times you blow more than
spots!
*BRAND NEW* "RANDY PROOF" WWE
DIVA GYM BAG!
When breaking into the
wrestling business, it's advised that
you know your shit, but never has that been
more true.
With that in mind, we're proud
to introduce the latest in Gym Bag security,
that GUARANTEES that the only feces you'll
being seeing backstage is Edge (Well, at
least according to Matt
Hardy.).
See, our "Randy Proof" Gym
Bags weigh in excess of one hundred fifty pounds,
are constructed out of government tested steel,
and contain a computerized lock system that not
even Jim and Ellie Neidhart can crack!
So, rest easy! Your days of
coming backstage after an exhausting bikini
contest and finding some unwanted "RKOdors"
emanating from your carryall are finally over! Get
your "Randy Proof" Gym Bag today! And remember,
just because you stink in the ring doesn't mean
you have to everywhere else! Order now!
INTRODUCING: X-PAC BEER
GOGGLES!
Hey, we know times are
tough these days in the Lovin' department, and
sometimes, chopping your crotch, and running groin
first into other people’s faces isn’t enough to
win you the love of a good woman. And
unfortunately, often, you'll find yourself picking
up someone that while sober you'd sooner use your
"educated feet" to get away from as fast as you
can. We've all been there. But finally, there's a
solution! (well, besides having standards.)
You see, our scientists at the TWF laboratories
have fashioned a device that will solve ALL your
problems!
 Introducing
the "X-Pac Beer Goggles", guaranteed to make your
partner go from "Bow" to "Wow" in seconds!
(Coupled with
copious amounts of alcohol.) Thanks to our
incredible ocular breakthrough, (and plenty
of liquid courage) soon, petty things like
her outweighing you by 50 pounds or having a
penis won't even seem to
matter! Get your "X-Pac Beer Goggles"
today!
Order now and we'll throw in a
completely free "X-Pac all-purpose
spoon." Perfect for scooping up your best
friend's sloppy seconds, or just heating up a
"treat" for the road! ...Order
now!
 ULTIMODIUM!
Like many others, The Ultimate
Warrior used to think
Mexico
was responsible for the
world’s largest share of diarrhea. Unfortunately,
as many at the
University of
Connecticut
can now tell you, Diarrhea can
strike ANYWHERE, at ANY TIME, and even from ANY
PLACE. (in this case a non-stop flow from the
mouth.)
Introducing ULTIMODIUM. RELIEF
for extensive Verbal Diarrhea! Whether
you're running to the ring, or just
running to the shithouse, Ultimodium gets the
job done, and in no time helps you get back to
your hate mongering with a renewed vigor!
Ultimodium. Ultimate relief
for non stop shit flowing from the mouth. That's
Ultimodium. Helps you deliver a "big splash" where
it matters... the
toilet.
 INTRODUCING: THE
ULTIMATE VISCERA
COLLECTION!
From the people who brought
you DVDs like "HHH: That Damn Good... and even
better than Flair. And Hogan, too. Oh, ya and also
Bret Hart, Bruno Sammartino and umm, anyone else
you got." comes a true collectors item: THE
ULTIMATE VISCERA COLLECTION!
In this special edition,
Two-disc set , we'll chronicle the legendary Big
Vis's evolution, from sloppy, morbidly obese
grappler in a purple pantsuit, to a
...sloppy, morbidly obese grappler in a black
pantsuit.
Disc 1: The ENTIRE King
of the Ring 1995 coronation speech featuring Sir
Mo. Approx running time= 6 hours 22
minutes.
Disc 2:
The VERY
BEST matches of Viscera! Approx. running time:
Zero minutes, zero
seconds.
Act now and we'll throw in Sir
Mo, completely FREE! (He really has nothing better
to do.).
Order
now!
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com,
The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured AIDS.
Send
Feedback to Sean
Carless
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