[The Following contains some items
that can be considered Offensive and
definitely "Not Safe For Work". You might want to
exit out now before your boss finds out how twisted you
really are...].
Welcome to TWF HELL, the final
resting place for my biggest brain farts, tasteless
randomness and incomplete projects. You see, for
everything you see posted on TWF, there are dozens of
items, ideas and potential satires & parodies that
get tossed by the wayside for one reason or
another, and not soon there after, they are
often lost to time. BUT NO MORE. You see, despite
the remaining minute shred of scruples remaining in my
body begging me not to, finally, there is a home for
this complete and total randomness~! And for the
record, this is not just a really snazzy and clever
way to just post a bunch of really ridiculous pictures.
Not even.
So that said, let's get to the
matter at hand. TWF Hell. But be warned. Chances are
some of these previous rejected items will disturb,
anger or perhaps even sicken you. That's Okay, though.
That means you still have a soul. However, if you find
humor in many of the following discarded items without a
shred of conscience, well, pack some suntan lotion,
mister, because it's about to get real
fucking hot where you're going....
![[image]](http://www.thewrestlingfan.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/worldtitlecumming.jpg)
Hey, that
ain't no Ice Cream Cone! Yup. There's pretty much zero
explanation needed for why I never bothered posting
this picture before. And most of the reasons involve
Jerry McDevitt draining me of my remaining resources in
court, leaving me with only my Tammy Sytch 1996
screensaver and the Big Show "Big All Over" T-shirt on
my back, all over a little thing called "slander". Can't
say I'd blame them. That said, I know what you're
thinking;
"Jesus Christ, Sean,
is nothing sacred? That's the man's daughter!".
Well, I think
that defense
went on the window the moment the dude proposed an
incestuous paternity angle, and obviously ogled his
own daughter's breasts in her wedding gown. But hey, in
his defense, he DID like just pay for those bad boys
like 2 months before. It's clearly his
responsibility as a customer to check out the
merchandise. AMIRITE? I mean, come on, that's
just called being a good consumer!
Sheesh.
But hey, back to the matter at
hand. In the above picture that is
completely satirical, and satire and parody and
covered by laws because it's a Satirical satirey parody,
I don't think it's conclusive that
anything remotely tawdry is
even going on! I swear. Honest. Vince is
clearly just handing Steph a delicious
pixelated Baby Ruth in a very unusual and
unorthodox manner! That's all! *
Ahem*.
This animated
version however is a little harder (HIYO) to
defend...
But hey, all
things considered, you've got to take your hat off
(and only your hat, perverts) to Vince there. Look at
the guy no-sell that hand-job! That's will power!
Although, this is the
samedude that once no-sold two torn quads,
so a staunch poker face is probably old hat at
this point. I mean, holy shit, even Steph using his root
to start a fucking cub-scout campfire isn't
enough to break this motherfucker's Zen-like trance.
What a man!
But hey, I am
not implying anything in the above not-at-all slanderous
picture. The real-life McMahon's are a wholesome family
who'd never engage in anything remotely incestuous and
disgusting. They'd also
never want to sue a
stupid, clueless, poor satire writer. Did I mention
it was a SATIRE, and I am a SATIRE writer, and it's a
SATIRE and it's covered by the constitution? (in a
country I don't live in, but hey, whatever). Ok, then.
Just making sure! God bless our (your?) legal system.
And God bless America! It's the best country
in the world that I don't live in!
We all
remember where we were the day the Twin Towers were
attacked. Poor Big Bossman NEVER saw it coming. I
however have always suspected foul play. I mean,
according to COUNTLESS sources, AKEEM BURNED FROM
THE BOTTOM. What more proof do you need of homeland
chicanery?
Umm,
ya. Once again, there's no real explanation needed
for why this really never was posted. And I
know what you're thinking."Sean, why do you hate
Freedom?". I don't. Honest. It's
just that I am personally jealous that my home country
of Canada never had a 9/11 to unify
and finally bring us all together into a
collective patriotic rage. Although, we were
*pretty close*. We don't have a 9/11, but we
do have 11/9. Yes, 11/9. The day Vince McMahon
screwed Bret Hart out of the WWF Title in 1997! It would
take many brave Canadians working in unison to
finally put out the fiery rage inside the Hitman.
Well, that, and a well-timed head over heels somersault
over his bike handles. Close enough. Never
forget.
Well, by now,
everyone's seen Debra appear on almost every
newscast, getting up on her soap-box and proclaiming for
the world to hear that Steve Austin beat her THREE
times. But hey, it's not like it couldn't have been
avoided. I've said it before. All she had to do was
catch Steve's foot on the Stunner attempt. It's her own
fault! I mean, between that and always
ignorantly catching Steve's Thesz press, I'm
starting to think she never picked up ANYTHING in her 2
years hitched to Stone Cold. Well, besides an
ice-pack...
Ah, Marc Mero.
The man whose face contains less movement than the
torso of Christopher Reeve. (before his death. And well,
after, too.). The reason I didn't post this before?
Well, who wants to think of multiple paragraphs of
lame insults for the former Johnny B. Badd (Botox job)?
I'll just take solace in the fact that I am not on his
list of 60 wrestler deaths and dead best friends
that he never met or worked with. And
then laugh at the fact that one of my mother's
25 pound frozen-solid Thanksgiving turkeys has more
mobility and feeling right now than the visage of
the former Wildman.
The PERFECT
gift for your very last Father's Day! SMOTHER your loved
one's with, umm, affection~! and give the gift that
keeps on giving! (well, once.).
*Goes great with the complimentary
Rabid Wolverine Neck-tie. Two sizes two
small, and available in "Hemp" and "Bungee
cord".
Ok, that was
rotten. I'll admit it. I feel terrible. Truth be told,
the idea for this one wasn't even mine. It was
actually Joe Merrick's. (and the picture of
steroid-addled insane Benoit was made by someone else as
well.). The reason I made it? TO TEST YOUR HUMANITY. If
you laughed, even for a second, you are hopeless and
beyond redemption. Welcome aboard.
Introducing
the Rey Mysterio Juicer~! Made from concentrate
with 619 vitamins and minerals so you
too can grow big(ger) and stronger! Ok, Ok, there's
just one "vitamin". And it usually involves a
tourniquet, a big toe, or maybe an ass cheek if
you've got a buddy with a strong stomach.
Ah, I kid,
Rey-Rey. But come on. Just in case you haven't heard,
Rey went on a talk show recently and swore he's
never EVER taken steroids. Man, he must have
like the best total Gym in the fucking Universe to
gain like 1/2 more body mass on that frame!!!!!
*Ahem*. Hell, even the fucking Hulk has less of a
growth turnover than Rey Mysterio. And I didn't hear
about no fucking Gamma leaks in San Diego, so what
gives?Although, on second
thought, that
would explain
the guy's fucking pupils...
I created this
picture when I read INTERWEB NEWZ that Orton would win
the WWE Title, only to drop it to HHH eventually.
And it got me to thinking. Actually, I didn't think. I
just laughed to myself at the prospect of Hunter saying
"fuck it" and just choosing to mow down Randall with his
fully-loaded luxury bus, in lieu of winning the belt* in
the ring. But, nooooo, WWE had to go ahead and
not book Orton to win the
title andruin
my gag.Bastards.
*Let's pretend the belt in the
picture is not the World Title, and cut me some slack
you anal cocksuckers.
Hey, why not?
That urban legend had to come from somewhere! But you've
got to wonder, just how Vince would
ever find out in the first place? You know,
disregarding the raspy post-coital "Ohhh yeahhh!",
and the fact he's probably the only dude on earth who
bones a broad while wearing a condom with 12
inch tassels and a miniature
tiger-striped cowboy hat. Dig it.
No real
explanation here. Outside of a personal fantasy to see
WWE Head of Talent Relations (and the guy who does the
bulk of his potential-Diva hiring
while secretly masturbating through an augured hole
in the bathroom wall) Johnny Ace, do a skateboard
Olly off the roof of Titan Towers. But no worries,
before he'd flat-line, I'm sure he'd place a few
obligatory calls to OVW to fire a few
developmental guys, just to keep up the status quo.
After all, if he expired, who'd be the one to crush
their dreams? Keep on rollin',
brother.
Have you ever
noticed that Jerry 'The King' Lawler seems to
always have a laptop computer on the go during WWE
programming? Just what does he surf for on there?
Actually, I think it's fairly obvious. Although, you
have to think if he actually had any *real power* as a
monarch, he'd go ahead and lower the age of consent
to "whenever it is that they grow boobs". But hey,
that all said, I'd be remiss if I didn't make one
not-so-subtle pic of Jerry openly masturbating under his
desk to illegal pornography, right? Right? And come
on, tell me that ain't the real reason why those desks
are enclosed now...
Ok, Ok, this
one is really bad. But come on. I like to think that
killing yourself disqualifies you from being exempt to
ridicule. If he had saved a busload of orphans
first or something maybe I'd feel worse.
And truth be told, this suggestion came from a reader,
whose name I forgot (you know who you
are!). You see, this idea spawned after
he sent me a hilarious MS-Paint Mike Awesome
Hangman game, with a picture of a depressed Masato
Tanaka at the bottom. It was just so incredibly
inappropriate that it became hilarious by proxy. And
speaking of Tanaka, my question is this: at Awesome's
funeral, did Tanaka get the urge to have someone
launch him back first through the church pews,
just for old time's sake? Ok, maybe not.
Ok, Ok, so the timing here is a
little controversial. Nasty Nick after all just survived a
legit car wreck this past weekend. And how did
he survive, exactly, while the unfortunate passenger suffered much worse
injuries (at press time)? Well, he IS the son of the
Hulkster, bruther. Miraculous comebacks from near-death situations are in
his blood, dude! Along with picking up and launching fat people, nonsensically tearing
any article of clothing you own in half, and having a
fucking parking lot where your hair used to be. I don't
think it's that far fetched to say that
Nick inherited that same healing prowess. After all, how many
times did the stark ravin' Hulkster get his fucking
ribs broken only to return like 2 weeks
later? Hmmm? And hey, is it so
far fetched to think that King Kong Bundy perhaps
had a hand in the accident?
Maybe he just came back to put another
generation of Hogan on the shelf? Driving head on into a
"Walking Condominium" would cause all kinds of damage, I'm
telling you.
And speaking
of Walking Condominiums, since he is in fact, according
to the late Gorilla Monsoon, a habitable mobile
home, how cool would it be to actually live
inside King Kong Bundy? Sure, the view would suck,
but imagine the roominess! Plus, just think of
all the money you'd save on moving costs! The
fucker could just walk wherever you'd want to set up
shop! Clearly, I've thought too much about this. I'll
stop now.
And finally, we'll
close with Ashley, who soon will be featured on Survivor: China!
Although, I think the far more challenging
and tumultuous contest would be Survivor: Chyna.
Imagine the possibilities! Immunity battles decided by
the first person to not throw up
while looking at Chyna's disturbing miniature appendage. Instead of rats,
they can all gather around the fire and heat
up some rock! It'd be
AWESOME.
But hey, good luck
to Ashley and everything anyway. Although, I don't
think the regular definition of "Survivor" includes
spontaneously combusting everytime you make one remote
physical movement. Call me crazy. At this point,
come the first torch ceremony, Ash will be eliminated by
proxy, because she'd have dissolved in the ocean like
porridge during the first immunity
challenge.
But hey, to
each their own. I'm sure there's a lot of guys
pulling for you out there! Only sadly, I mean that
literally. Live with that visual.
And I'm really not
usually this completely heartless and rotten. I think.
More to come...eventually~!
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald
spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live
Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
![[image]](http://www.thewrestlingfan.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/titlecumming.gif)
![[image]](http://www.thewrestlingfan.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/papishirt.jpg)
