TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE
(1986)
[The following
review contains no scenes of
"Blurr". Deal
with it.]
So, ya, I went and saw Michael Bay's
Transformers on opening day, and this may come off as a shock to many,
especially those G1 (Generation-1) fans who are diligently creating a homemade
pipe-bomb as we speak for Mr. Bay for destroying their childhoods, but
I actually liked it. And even more so than that, loved it. Seriously. And why
not? I got what I wanted out of it, and was just thankful that the whole
thing didn't culminate with a filthy-dirty Randy Quaid flying a
fucking dust-cropper into Megatron's mouth. It did have several other
Bay trademarks however (except for the usual sucking part). You know, stuff like
interchangeable comic relief characters that serve no real storyline purpose
other than to make you laugh...despite the fact they're doing
all these Hi-larious absurdities amidst the possible end of the world. Ya, possible world dominion by giant talking bloodthirsty robots is definitely the best time to be sarcastic and try out new material. Good thinking.
Yup. And oh ya, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that this Megan Fox is an attractive young
lady as well. Bay also knew what he was doing in that regard. And there's no shortage of gratuitous shots of her bending over.
That's one edge this movie had over Transformers the TV show. Because
try as I must, I just don't remember ever wanting to fire one off in
their cervix, Galvatron-style. Score 1 for Transformers
2007.
That said, today, we're here to talk about the *original*
full-length feature Transformers film. And I have an admission to make:
I still and have always LOVED the Transformers. From the first day I got my
Starscream action figure for my Birthday in 1985, then subsequently lost his
tiny detachable blue fists in the park three hours later, me and amputee
Starscream were inseparable. And little has changed. I'm still obsessed with
Transformers to a large degree. And when you take into consideration my other
obsession is PRO WRESTLING, I think it's safe to say I'll be leaving this mortal
coil one day without an heir. But hey, maybe that's because I always insist
on using Sound Wave-esque sound-bites during love-making. "Semen eject!
Operation: IMPREGNATION!". Ah well, I thought it was funny at the time. What can
you do.
Anyway, to get a full grasp on the phenomenon
that was Transformers, you have to travel back to 1984. A time when cartoons
weren't completely saturated with faggoty-assed Japanime teddy bears that
shoot lightning. Dear god. If I ever walked in my kid
emulating the Pokemon cartoon, I'm afraid I'd have to beat them
down, fucking Demolition Ax-style, just on principle. That said, this was a
great time to be a kid, although probably a pretty shitty time to be a parent
--because sometime in 1984, the people at Hasbro figured out that a pretty good
way to bilk an entire generation of mullet-headed children out of their parents
hard-earned money would be to create cartoons that would subtly double as
30-minute toy commercials. It was a pretty good plan, as I
vividly remember begging my Father for my very own Optimus Prime
toy. Unfortunately though, that was last weekend. I think he may have lost
all respect for me.
Anyway, after two full seasons (with the
2nd season going over 80 episodes I think) of the cartoon series that aired
everyday after school, news soon came down the wire that they were making a
full-length movie. I was stoked. After all, my ultimate life goal at 8 years old
was to somehow figure out how I myself could become a Transformer. A
goal that I eventually reached in adulthood. Unfortunately, that
transformation was from a polite well-mannered young man with a bright
future...to whatever it is I am today. Transformation complete.
Ya, so, that takes us to 1986, and the release
of Transformers: The Movie. Now, I'll walk you through some more nuances of the
Transformers and their mythos as we go along, but there's a few things you
should know before going into this, and especially if you've never seen the
Transformers. And if this is true, Dear god, man. Maybe stop throwing gay-assed
Wii fastballs in your parents living room and hit the video store, you lazy
bastard.
Anyway, those things are: The heroes are called the
"Autobots" and are led by Optimus Prime, a heroic and benevolent leader that
transforms into a red transport truck. And their adversaries are the evil
Decepticons. As if the name Decepticons didn't hammer that fact home. They are
in turn led by the evil Megatron. A megalomaniacal robot that transforms
into a Walther P38 handgun. He's also the world's only asthmatic robot. Just
listen to him. Thankfully, the animators excluded the parts where he had to go
awkwardly cough in the corner of the room whilst everyone else had to carry
on filling Energon cubes and pretend not to notice.
Oh, and there's one other thing: NEVER SAY
THE WORD GOBOTS IN FRONT OF A TRANSFORMERS FAN. GoBots are an abomination. And
to make a parable you can relate to, the GoBots were the "Carnosaur" to The Transformers
"Jurassic Park". Enough said. Let's get to the movie!
We open up with a shot of the movie's main
antagonist, Unicron (played by Orson Welles, who was about the size of a planet
himself by the time this was filmed so it wasn't exactly going against type.).
Unicron, is of course a large bulbous mass, that destroys
everything it touches and devours everything in its path. Hey,
just like Stephanie McMahon. We then cut to a planet, populated by robots,
laughing, eating(?) and just generally enjoying their lives. It's at this
point I noticed when I was a child that these robots had mustaches, and wondered
just how in the fuck that was even possible. Just then, Unicron approaches the
planet, and things begin to rumble and shake. One of the robots yelled out,
"It's Unicron!" in shock, which always makes me laugh, because if you know
his name, you'd know the fucker is a planet eater. How did you not see
this coming? Anyway, as expected, Unicron attacks the planet and devours it entirely. And by "devour", I mean he sucks the
entire thing into what appears to by a giant sphincter. In fact, the whole scene
kind of plays out like watching someone have a shit in reverse. After Unicron finishes his meal, he goes back to aimlessly float through
space. I can't say I blame him. That's pretty much what I do after eating a huge
meal. Except by "space" I mean "living room" and by float I mean "just sit there
without pants". You get the picture.
CUE THE OPENING CREDITS~! YES. The Transformers
theme gets the hair metal treatment by the band Lion. It's Autonomous robots and
skinny dudes with giant white bouffant hairdo's and pleather pants,
working together in perfect harmony! It's awesome.
Now back to the action, we hear the familiar
Transformers voiceover. We're told it's the year 2005 and the Decepticons have
taken back their home planet of Cybertron. You see, this is significant because
the entire plot of the cartoons was Megatron and company attempting to
accomplish this very feat by collecting as much energy from Earth as possible.
Wait. An evil group of liars whose soul purpose is to go and drain various
countries of their rich fuels for their own nefarious use? A dude could really
run a presidential term around something like that! Megatron in 2008~!
Ahem.
Anyway, we see Laserbeak, one of Soundwave's "spies" that
transformed from a Cassette into whatever fucking kind of bird he was supposed
to be. He records Optimus Prime saying that they will soon strike back at the
Decepticons from their secret bases on the Planets "Moonbase 1" and "Moonbase
2". Huh. Like you even needed fucking Laserbeak to "crack" that code. The
planets are named MOON BASE 1 & 2. Dear
God, Optimus! Get your head in the game! All they needed was an Austin
Powers-esque map that says "secret underground lair", and the hat
trick of stupidity would be complete. Anyway, Laserbeak flies back to tell
Megatron of the plan, who then decides an ambush is in order, as Iron Hide,
Brawn, Ratchet and Prowl are instructed to board a ship to head to
earth first to get the supplies needed to get r' done. We then see
Iron Hide transform into a CUBE VAN and roll out toward the ship (in what
would be his last mission). And yes, Iron Hide, still in the fucking year
2005, has kept a cube van as his alternate mode. I guess no one ever had
the heart to tell him that only Rapists drive those now...
Anyway, while Earth-bound, the shuttle is
ambushed by Megatron, Starscream and several other Decepticons, and the crew is
subsequently murdered..yes MURDERED...IN A KIDS MOVIE...by Starscream who
catches a transformed Megatron in gun-mode and unloads some heavy fire into our
heroes. And speaking of Megatron in gun mode, the guy, despite how completely
kick ass he is, really is useless when you get down to it, because he requires
someone to always catch his ass when he transforms. Otherwise he'd just hit the
fucking ground, wouldn't he? That's probably the reason why there was never
a transforming Grenade. And speaking of which, I always wondered how it is
that human beings would be able to also wield Megatron (and Soundwave as
well in Tape deck mode) when he weighs like 40 tons in Robot mode. And yes, this
type of shit went through my mind at 9. It's no wonder I turned into the
overwrought critical imbecile I am today.
After the slaughter, in typical villain fashion,
Megatron speaks aloud their intentions to ambush Earth in this very ship and
destroy the Autobots. We then hear a still functional Iron Hide, bellow
"noooooo!" with his last gasp, as Megatron presumably blows his head off at
point-blank range with his arm-cannon while stating "Such heroic nonsense"... as
children likely started blubbering around the world, and parents wondered just
what in the fuck was going on. I myself, was also upset, but then
remembered that their shitty toy version of Iron Hide never had a head, and was
convinced this would somehow play a part later in the film. It didn't. They just
murdered like 1/3rd of the original toy-line in like 30 seconds. Gee, I
hope they have some new ones to replace these guys with at Christmas!!!!!
Ahem.
We now cut to Earth, where we see Hot Rod, a
reckless young Autobot, voiced by Judd Nelson, who was last seen having a
sexually tense friendship with Molly Ringwald, fishing with Daniel Witwicky, the
son of the TV show's then-teenaged protagonist, Spike. There is no mention of
his grandfather and other show regular "Spark Plug", so I guess that means
the guy is dead. I wonder if they buried him in his fucking hard hat?
Because I'll be damned if I ever remember a scene where he wasn't wearing it.
Despite the motherfucker never being anywhere near a construction site. The two
then spot the Autobot shuttle approaching and the two race up to the top of
"lookout mountain" to get a better look. And since it's the "future", I'd be
remiss if I failed to mention that Daniel is of course wearing a one piece
monogrammed bodysuit. Huh. I remember 2005, I don't remember these things. But
seriously, why is it that every depiction of the future involves every person
wearing identical skin-tight bodysuits? And oh ya, there's never ANY fat
people. You know, the actual complete opposite of the real
2005...
It's at this point that Hot Rod spots Starscream
looking out of the damaged hull of the ship as it looks to land and warns the
Autobots of the impending assault. From there, a full on battle takes place, and
Blaster (who is the Autobot version of Soundwave) sends a distress signal to
Optimus, while he battles Soundwave, and while their respective cassettes war as
well. And speaking of Soundwave, you got to respect the motherfucker for
sticking with a Tape-deck in the year 2005. You just know his big blue ass has
seen a CD player in the last ten years. But noooooooooo. Jesus, he's as bad as
those assholes that'll have you believe vinyl records sound better than
CDs.
Anyway, things are not looking good for
the Autobots as Devastator (the robot combination of all 5 Constructions) wreaks
havoc on Autobot city, until the combined efforts of new
faces (Springer, Arcee, Ultra Magnus, Kup and Hot Rod) all get Autobot
City's defense system functional. Just then Optimus Prime and the Dinobots
arrive, and Optimus single-handedly opens a can of whoop ass on all the
Deceptions, kicking every single one of their asses in short order to the sound
of uber 80's power ballad "The Touch". In fact, just listening to this song may
compel you to perm and feather your hair, and wear a acid-wash denim jacket
with a logo hand-drawn on the back in indelible magic marker. You've been
warned. This of course leads to the
big Optimus/Megatron showdown we've all been waiting for. "One
shall stand. One shall fall" says Optimus. I myself always wanted to use
this line amidst a fight, but sadly, most people don't wait until I
finish saying it before punching me in the face and knocking me out. Maybe
one day.
The two then do battle in spectacular fashion,
and eventually Optimus triumphs, pulverizing Megs into a cowering mess who now
begs for his life. However, Megatron is just buying time until he can grab a
lone gun laying on the ground. Hot Rod spots this trick however, and of course
he naively jumps at Megatron, in essence blocking Optimus from delivering
the death blow. This gives Megatron the chance to grab said gun, and plug
Optimus like 5 or 6 times. Jesus. See, this is why you can never
have any use for teenagers. They're always in the way when you want to
incinerate your 60 foot sentient robotic nemesis. Or something like
that.
That said, Megatron approaches Optimus, to finish him off,
but Optimus has enough energy left to deliver the fucking POLISH HAMMER~!
to Megs and mortally wound him as well. The Decepticons then retreat as
Megatron's carcass is dragged off by Soundwave. We then cut to a scene of
Optimus on his death bed. Wait. Death bed? Jesus Christ, I've seen him take a
hell of a lot worse damage in the cartoon and still be back as good as new.
Of course, this was before they killed Ratchet, the one dude who always
pulled him through. All they have left now is Perceptor. Cybertron's first
openly homosexual Scientist. Actually, I don't know if he's actually gay.
But his voice ain't exactly bettering his cause. In any event, we're told by
Perceptor that Optimus's wounds are fatal, and there's nothing he can do.
Nothing except secretly masturbate to the brawny Ultra Magnus when no one's
looking. They must have cut that part out of your version. Optimus then calls
for Ultra Magnus, a robot that is surprisingly similar to Optimus in stature. In
fact, in toy form, he was IDENTICAL, except he was painted white. Those who
lived through GI Joe's abhorrent rip off known as "Tiger Force" will understand
my disdain for re-tooled toys. We then find out that Magnus is an "old
friend" of Optmus's. A friend *so close* in fact that this is the first
time in 4 million years they've even mentioned the fucker. Optimus then says
that it's to him he passes the Matrix of leadership. Yes, The Matrix.
And before you ask, this was indeed YEARS before THAT Matrix. In fact, The
Wachowski brothers were still jerking off to their Uhura posters in high school
while Keanu Reeves had not even contemplated taking the red pill,
and instead was about to travel the known continuum in a phone
booth with Bill S. Preston esquire and fucking George Carlin. So ya, no
lawsuits here. Optimus soon ejects the Matrix from his chest and gives it to
Magnus, whose first order of business is to drop the fucking thing. Ya, you
picked the right choice there, Prime. Thankfully, Hot Rod catches the Matrix,
which seems to glow in his hands, then hands it to Magnus, who puts it in his
own chest. Optimus then DIES. Seriously. They killed off the hero of the movie
inside the first 20 minutes. To say this was devastating to kids would be
an understatement. In fact, I'd dare say this was one of the biggest
blunderfucks in movie history. And as far as kids go, this would be akin to
someone sneaking up behind Santa and cutting the motherfucker from ear to ear
Commando-style (and trust me, I've been banned from enough Malls at X-mas time
to know how traumatic that is for them..).
We now cut to all the Decepticons aboard
Astrotrain, who by the way has about fifteen 40 foot robots inside him,
despite only standing 40 feet himself. It's just then I realize I'm looking for
sense in a movie about million year old talking robots and subsequently
shut the fuck up. Just then, Astrotrain demands they lighten their load or risk
not getting back to Cybertron. It's at this point that Starscream
takes the opportunity to FINALLY dispose of Megatron, and throws him out
the side shuttle door along with the damaged Skywarp, Thundercracker &
the Insecticons. To all the long-term fans of the Transformers, this was a
longtime coming as Starscream was one of the all time great "tweener"
characters. Evil, but so charismatic you often found yourself pulling for him.
Starscream then nominates himself as their new leader, and all the
Decepticons fight amongst themselves.
We then see Megatron and his damaged troops
floating lifelessly through space when they run into Unicron. Yes, they run
into a mobile planet. HOW IS THAT NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THIS GUY?
Unicron strikes up a deal with the mortally wounded Megatron. In
exchange for a new body, and a cure for his pesky allergies, Megatron must
destroy the Matrix of leadership...the only thing that can stop
him. You know, on second glance, that part probably wasn't the
smartest thing to mention. Who knew that Unicron was one huge million foot
tall Bond villain? Megatron reluctantly agrees, and is transformed into
GALVATRON. A futuristic Laser cannon. He then changes the Insecticons and
Thundercracker into Scourge and the Sweeps, and Skywarp into his new 2nd in
command, Cyclonus. He also gives them a ship, and once again demands that they
destroy the Matrix of leadership. Just then Galvatron speaks, and gone is Frank
Welker's asthmatic voice, which is now replaced with Mr. Spock's himself,
Leonard Nimoy. Too bad, too. I was really hoping Unicron would have rebuilt
Thundercracker into a giant transforming inhaler for him. Oh well. (and now that
I've beaten that joke into the ground we can move on.).
Soon after, we cut to Starscream's coronation as
leader of the Decepticons, when Galvatron crashes the party and incinerates
Starscream on the spot. NOOOOOOO! Dear God, here's an idea, Hasbro. How about
just giving these guys new looks? That way you can still move all those fucking
toys without decimating every single character. Good thing Hasbro wasn't behind
say, E.T. Not only would the poor bastard not have survived, but the FBI agents
would have dragged him outside, put the boots to him, set him on fire, then
pissed him out.
That said, Galvatron looks to set out on his own
agenda from there, but suddenly BRIGHT RED LINES OF LIGHT~! appear and he's
bombarded by the presence of his maker Unicron, and compelled to continue on his
Matrix-destroying mission. Damn right. The only way I'm ever becoming a
parent is if I can somehow possess this same ability. I mean, really. What's the
point of bringing life into this world if you can't bombard them with red lines
of psychic fury and manipulate them into doing your exact bidding through mind
torture? Exactly.
In the meantime, Unicron decides he's hungry
again and consumes both the Autobots moonbases, while Jazz, the only other
African American Autobot (besides Blaster) warns Earth about the
impending threat. For the record, Jazz was voiced by the late Scatman
Crothers, who let's face it, really had no choice but to talk jivey after
his Mother named him Scatman. All kidding said, this scene is
notorious for one reason, and it's that after Bumblebee and Spike try to blow up
Unicron to no avail, Spike utters the word "shit!", a real taboo at the time for
Children's movies. But I really don't know why. Imagine how
much cooler Children's movies would be with expletives...
Fairy
Godmother: "BIPPITY BOPPITY BOO!"
Cinderella: "Say what in the fuck
now?"
Fairy
Godmother: "Umm, it's just a little song I like to
sing..."
Cinderella: "Well, you might want to fucking knock it off. And don't just
stand there with your thumb up your ass you dumpy bitch, make your ass useful and turn that
Pumpkin into a fucking coach already. I got to meet
that faggoty-assed Prince in like an
hour!"
In any event, Unicron easily devours both moons,
and swallows Bumblebee and Spike's ship as it tries to escape. Back on Earth,
Ultra Magnus, the new leader of the Autobots, and presumably not a brand of
extra durable condoms, plans his strategy. Just then, Galvatron returns to Earth
and opens fire on the Autobots. The remaining Autobots split up, as Hot Rod,
Kup, and the Dinobots take one ship, while Magnus, Springer, Daniel and Arcee,
the only female Autobot take the other. Ah, poor Arcee. Imagine being the only
female of their species. She's got to be their equivalent of Smurfette.You just
know every Autobot uses her as their own personal cock-puppet. It's just too bad
Iron Hide's dead, because the visual of him bending her over Teletran 1 yelling
out "Leakin' Lubricants!" would be the greatest moment in Transformers
history. You know, once you get past all the taboos robot porn would
bring up. But hey, if you can get past the fact that Megatron's trigger is
located where his cock would be, and accept the fact that every time you're
firing off a round, so is he, it makes the whole sordid issue easier to
handle.
From there, Galvatron gives chase to Magnus's
ship, and eventually on the other, accidentally, the Dinobots, Hot Rod and
Kup crash land on the planet Quintessa. For the record, Kup is portrayed as
an elderly Autobot. How he shows HIS age, and the others don't is
beyond me. I mean, they've already established that most of the Autobots
and Decepticons were in stasis for at least 3 million years on earth,
so how long is it before a fucking robot starts looking old? But all that aside,
the irony of an old robot is hilarious. After all, in real life, the elderly are
TERRIFIED of technology, and can't even bring themselves to program their
fucking VCRs, so imagine them ACTUALLY BEING technology? It boggles the
mind.
That said, Hot Rod and Kup end up
underwater, where Kup is disabled by a giant robot squid, so Hot Rod fights his
way through and somehow gets Kup out of the mess before repairing him. But of
course, seeing how Kup is elderly he doesn't appreciate it. And in reality,
let's be honest, Kup would have A HELL OF A LOT MORE jobs for Hot Rod to do than
that before he'd EVER let him get on his way. Anyone with annoying
grandparents knows exactly what I'm talking about. "Ya, while you're
down there soldering my arm, lad, how about taking the trash out, too? And after
that, I got these boxes in my basement. If you could just move
those...".
We then cut to Ultra Magnus and crew
landing on the Planet of Junk. And they mean it literally. All they needed
to hammer it home was old Fred Sanford waddling out. Wuh, wuh wuh wuh wah wah wuh, wuh
wuh wuh wah wah wawawa! In any
event, The Autobots and Daniel, who has been suited with his dad's old
"exo-suit" (which as well remember were completely commonplace in
2005) exit the ship and help themselves to the junk, which angers the
planets inhabitants, the Junkions-- a race of robots who like their robotic
counterparts at the beginning of the film also possesses robot mustaches. And oh
ya, they speak entirely in TV catchphrases, led by Wreck-gar, voiced by Monty
Python's Eric Idle.
Anyway, back to Hot Rod &
Kup. Despite escaping the underwater pitfalls earlier, They
soon run into the Sharkticons. Kup tries the universal greeting of
"BAH-WEEP-GRAAAAANAW-WEEP NEENEE BONG", a language reputably invented by
this man. Unfortunately, it doesn't work, and soon the
duo find themselves captured, which of course Kup probably somehow blames
on Hot Rod. But hey, call me crazy, but I bet under that harsh exterior lies a
heart of gold~!!!
Soon after, Hot Rod & Kup find themselves
imprisoned, along side a cell containing the sole survivor of the world
seen devoured during the film's opening by Unicron. And of course, he fills
in our heroes on the peril's of Unicron, before being immediately sentenced
for execution after serving his purpose. The only thing that would have
made it better is if he yelled out "I had only one more day until retirement!"
before being dropped into the Sharkticon tank, just to, you know, hammer
home those movie clichés a little bit more.
We now cut back to the Planet of Junk where the
Autobots repair their shuttle. Man, it's a good thing they spontaneously landed
on a planet that just happened to have every single part they were looking
for. And yes, this does happen ALL THE TIME. Just the other day, I was dropped
off in the middle of the woods, and there I found all the parts needed to repair
by broken Xbox. I guess I was just lucky. That said, things get bad pretty quick
when Galvatron and his troops attack. And in retaliation, Magnus TRIES TO OPEN
THE MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP. For this. Seriously. Didn't Prime
tell your big ass earlier that it was only to be used to 'light your
darkest hour'? (I insist it's engraved with "Caution: Only open during
Darkest Hour. -Thanks. Optimus."). Seriously, Magnus, an attack from about 6
Decepticons is your darkest hour? This shit happens ALL THE
FUCKING TIME. Clearly, Prime picked the right man for the job. Anyway, as
expected, The Matrix's opinion of darkest hour and Magnus's obviously differ,
and Magnus is unable to get the thing opened, and as a result the Sweeps reign
laser fire upon him that causes him to EXPLODE. Explode into perfectly
symmetrical little pieces mind you, that call me crazy, just might be able to be
neatly re-assembled in about 10 minutes. Lucky him. But hey, irregardless, that
had to suck. It's definitely been a bad day to be a giant
Matrix-harboring Transport truck, that's for sure.
With that Galvatron takes possession of the
Matrix, and decides to double cross Unicron with it. "With this I shall make you
my slave!" says Galvy. "Noooooooooooooo!" says Unicron in the depths of
space. Dear God, Unicron; you didn't see this coming? YOU TOLD HIM IN EXPLICIT
DETAIL THAT IT WAS THE ONLY THING THAT COULD STOP YOU. What did I say about
Unicron being the world's biggest Bond Villain? Hell, we even saw sharks
with laserbeams! Holy shit.
From there, Hot Rod and Kup are now brought
before the tribunal of Quintessons. A race of creatures whom apparently have
nothing better to do with their time than to try and execute every asshole who
rolls through town. Anyway, as for the Quintessons themselves, we are eventually
told during the 3rd season that they actually created the
Transformers. Just how giant fucking eggs with only tentacles for
hands could create intricate machinery is anyone's guess. Anyway, the
Quintessons, have five faces, hence the Quint part, and all five find Kup &
Hot Rod innocent...then summarily sentence them to death anyway, and drop them
into the shark pit. Finally, a justice system I can get behind! You
can't tell me a Sharkticon pit wouldn't have came in pretty fucking
handy during Paris Hilton's trial. Hell, they're probably the only things
that haven't eaten Paris Hilton these days.
Once in the tank, the duo fight their way
through underwater, and decide the best course of action is to drive in circles
until the water creates a whirlpool and they can drive right out, physics
be damned. Clearly had Ted Kennedy thought of this scenario at Chappaquiddick, he'd probably be
President right now. Ahem.
Once on dry land, Kup and Hot Rod fight
off the multitude of Sharkticons, but look overmatched, but never fear, because
here comes the Dinobots and their new friend "Wheelie"
(whom I purposely didn't mention earlier) to make the big save! And you
might be asking yourself, "Who the fuck is Wheelie?" to which I'll answer
"Exactly." You see, Wheelie, is an annoying androgynous funboy who speaks
in rhymes and gets to live while the other Autobots who paid their dues get
annihilated. It's a cruel world where a guy like Iron Hide gets his head blown
off, but fucking Elmo in car form gets to live. That said, The Sharkticons look
to attack, but are ultimately intimidated by Grimlock (the T-Rex leader of the
Dinobots). He then tells them to instead just turn on the Quintessons,
which they do. Huh. A group of slow-witted shapeless people who'll do pretty
much exactly what they're told? Maybe the Sharkticons are wrestling fans?
Could be?
From there, Hot Rod, Kup, The Dinobots &
Wheelie look for an escape. Wheelie points out a large cork-screw
shaped ship, and suggests they take that, thus rising his stock
from "completely useless and deserves to be incinerated" to just "deserves to be
incinerated". The Autobots then steal the cork-screw ship and set a course
for the Planet of Junk. And speaking of Cork-screw ships, I always imagined this
would be the shuttle Jake Roberts would use if he ever was an Astronaut.
After all, if the cork-screw is that big, imagine the size of the bottle of
wine! Maybe I just wanted to use that joke, sue me.
Meanwhile on Planet of Junk, The Junkions come
out of the wood work (junk-work?) and a battle ensues between them and the
Autobots to Weird Al music. It's true. And a more intimidating battle Anthem I
cannot think of. However, in the midst of the battle, here comes Hot Rod
and company to break up the party, as he offers Wreck-Gar a peace offering of
Energon, while spouting the Universal greeting...and this time it
works! Then, for some strange reason, a full-on Gay robotic hoe-down takes
place, and everyone starts line dancing. Seriously. Hell, Wheelie even explores
his burgeoning sexuality and kisses Grimlock. What the fuck? There's
dancing, hugging, groping and loving! And this all goes on despite the fact that
their interim leader Ultra Magnus lay in a smoldering heap like 5 feet away from
them and their sacred vessel, the Matrix is in the hands of the enemy. Why
everyone chose THIS exact moment to explore their cybernetic
bi-curiousness, I have no idea. In any event, they do all stop soon after, and
realize, "Umm, ya, I guess we better do something about dead Ultra Magnus here",
before likely throwing one in Arcee just to regain their masculinity. The
Junkions then reveal that they can fix Magnus up as good as new, which is
exactly what they do, and like 25 seconds later he's reassembled and fully
functional! Which of course leads to the question of WHY DID OPTIMUS PRIME DIE
FROM 6 SHOTS, YET MAGNUS EXPLODES AND CAN BE RETURNED AS GOOD AS NEW? Someone
get back to Earth already and get fucking Optimus' corpse, and bring
it there. It's a much better option then sticking with the dude who
got blown up like 5 minutes into his leadership term. In any event, The Autobots
now set out to reclaim the Matrix, and are now joined by the Junkions who take
their own ship.
Meanwhile, Galvatron returns to Unicron, wearing the Matrix
around his neck like a blinged out necklace. YEAHHHHHH BOYYYYYYYY. GALVA GALV is
the one that makes to mos' money! Galvatron then reveals again his
intentions to make Unicron his slave, but Unicron's answer is to
transform into his full robot form...SLOWLY. Oh so tediously slowly. In fact, I
think an old man putting on his knee-high socks after getting out of the pool at
Seniors swim moves at a faster pace. But he is imposing. As the look of
complete and utter horror on Galvatron's face tells the story. A look not seen
since I walked in on my friend Jason's mom nude once. From there, Unicron
reveals that his intention is to destroy Cybertron, which upsets Galvatron to no
end! "Destroy Cybertron? THAT'S WHERE I KEEP ALL MY STUFF!" Ok, he
didn't say that, but he should have. In the meantime, Unicron decides to just
swallow Galvatron, and the remaining Decepticons open fire on him, which he
easily shakes off. Soon after, The Autobots and Junkions arrive and join in on
the fight, as Unicron begins stomping and smashing at Cybertron. Hot Rod,
driving the corkscrew manages to steer the ship towards Unicron's face and
eventually drives it right through Unicron's eye! Man, you'd think Unicron would
have an eye made of something a little more durable then glass, but what do
I know? Now the poor bastard is blind. Although, the visual of a million
foot tall 
robot with sunglasses and cane and a cup of pencils is
pretty hilarious.
Now inside Unicron, Hot Rod falls down a
passage, while Arcee, Kup, Springer and Daniel fall down another. It's there
that they fight off tentacles with buzz-saws and the like inside Unicron's
digestive system. What, you don't have buzz-saws in your stomach? While
they're there. You just need the right microscope to see them. Clearly. While
they're fighting that off, Hot Rod ends up in a darkened part of Unicron's
stomach where he sees Galvatron and the Matrix. Galvy looks like he's ready to
cut a deal, but once again, RED LINES OF FURY compel Galvatron to still do
Unicron's bidding. And since it was the 80's, I was hoping they'd
have cued up a special redux of the Police's Roxanne just for this scene.
UNICRONNNNNNNNNN! YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THE RED
LIGHT!...
With that, Galvatron overwhelms Hot Rod, and
grabs him around the neck and begins to strangle him to death...you know,
despite the fact Hot Rod possesses no throat and doesn't breath air. But hey,
it's the thought that counts.
Meanwhile, back to Kup & the Gang in the
stomach. They continue fight off more of the stomach's defense system.
Somewhere in all the chaos, though, a laser blast goes astray and
blows a hole in the wall, and everything floods with water. Completely
inexplicable water. It's just then I get the visual of Unicron earlier in the
day filling a giant paper cup at one of those office water jugs. Anyway, in
the chaos, Daniel is separated from the pack and somehow finds his way into a
room, where a hanging conveyer belt is dropping random robots into a vat of
acid. He then spots his Dad, Jazz and Bumblebee in line to be dropped, and Spike
begs Daniel to close the lid. It's at this point, *I* would have bartered to get
some new shit out of the old man before even contemplating following his
instructions, but hey, I'm a "bad person" as people like to say. Long story
short, Daniel manages to close the lid and everyone is safe! Even Jazz! This
movie has created a new precedent: BOTH Black characters LIVE. What a wonderful
tool this movie is when it comes to race relations. Well, except for that whole
complete racial stereotyping thing.
Meanwhile, back to Hot
Rod/Galvatron; somehow, in his last dying gasp, Hot Rod grabs the Matrix.
Cue Stan Bush, You've got the Touch! You've got the Power! And with that, Hot
Rod grows a swank mustache and cuts the sleeves of his denim jacket..err, I
mean, he becomes RODIMUS PRIME. Just then I get the visual of all the previous
Prime's laughing hysterically inside the Matrix. "Haha
"Rodimus". And the fuck is actually going along with it!
Sucker!".
Anyway, with his transformation, Rodimus grows
triple his size and bench presses Galvatron over his head and tosses him through
Unicron's stomach and into space. Funny, I've tripled in size, and I possess
no unique changes, other than maybe a heart murmur. Why is
he so special? Hot Rod then opens the Matrix saying "now light our
darkest hour!" as Unicron begins to react violently to the energy bursting
through his vital umm, organs. All the Autobots then transform and drive out,
even Daniel, who somehow transforms in his exo-suit, without breaking every bone
in body. It's there we get to see Rodimus's new alternate mode... a fucking
WINNEBAGO. Seriously. Perfect for going on a weekend camping
trip? Definitely. Leading the Autobots into intergalactic war? Umm,
not so much. At this point as well, I should mention that Kup, as predicted
earlier, is now incredibly proud of Rodimus. "I knew you had it in you,
lad" he says, before eventually muttering : "Now could you go
into the backyard and tighten the bolt on my hose, it's been leaking. And while
you're there could you maybe carry those sacks of soil for my garden to the
front? Thanks, lad."
With that they all drive out the other undamaged
eye of Unicron, which now makes him utterly useless, but does open up some
great new possibilities in soul music for him. Hell, Stevie Wonder can't eat
worlds, right? Unicron has the definite advantage! Unfortunately though, his
burgeoning music career would have to wait, as he just explodes, but not before
bellowing out "You cannot stop my destinnnnnyyyyyyyy!". But hey, how does he
know that blowing up wasn't his destiny? Because if so, he accomplished that
quite well. Roll that around in your mouth and see how it tastes.
Our closing scene is back on
Cybertron where Rodimus Prime gives a speech to the troops as the new
leader of the Autobots. Wait. Why is HE leader? What, because he opened the
Matrix when no one else could? If I was an Autobot, I wouldn't let this King
Arthur shit fly. So much for seniority. I guess we know now that the
Autobot's aren't unionized. Oh, ya, parting words: "The Cybertronian Wars are
over!... Umm, until September when Season 3 starts, but hey, until then
everything's hunky-dory! To All are one!". And hey, there's
Unicron's head just left circling Cybertron. Nothing potentially dangerous
about that! Ahem. Let's just let the fucking thing coast out there! What's
the worst that could happen? The End.
Final
Thoughts: This movie is awesome, and is better than you or
anything you could ever accomplish. I wish I had two more arms so I could give
them titties, err, I mean Transformers four thumbs up. That said, things
kind of went down hill fast for the franchise soon after. Hasbro obviously
realized that killing Optimus Prime was a mistake and resurrected the guy by the
end of Season 3 (along with Starscream). And good thing too, because Rodimus
ended up being HORRIBLE as leader. Basically he turned into one big
whiny Emo mess. (Rodemo Prime?). In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if
Rodemo's story eventually ended with him sitting in a
parking lot in Winnebago mode listening to Linkin Park on his computer
stereo, muttering how "no one could ever understand his pain", while
slowly cutting his gas lines with a razor blade. Still though, THUMBS
WAY UP.
I’m Sean.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania,
Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
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