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A couple of year's ago, in the midst of WWE entering the movie business to create
some of the best movies you've never seen in your life, I created a list of films that I speculated WWE would eventually create,
release, then instantly deposit into that dusty bin in Wal-Mart where you can find *cinematic masterpieces*
like Carnosaur, Jack Frost and Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach for like 2 bucks. I was, however,
eventually proven WRONG, as the brilliance of film-making dynamo Scott Wiper (who's
ancestors must not have had the greatest vocation in the world, just saying), obviously could NOT
be denied, and eventually the overwhelming turnout of the fifteen people that bought tickets to The Condemned, forced
me, and others like me, to admit defeat and eat a big plate of crow. A plate, which in addition to my popcorn
and movie cola, cost me about 40 dollars. This is truly how WWE made their money back. I'm telling you...
So, with WWE staying on that horse, and scheduling MORE movies in the coming year,
where no doubt , John Cena will *once again* be denied his Oscar nod, DESPITE HIP-TOSSING A DUDE THROUGH A FLAMING
GAS STATION INFERNO, surely TNA can also follow suit and throw it's hat into
the ring? A RING THAT HAS SIX SIDES, THAT IS~! REVOLUTIONARY! Because, after all, if WWE
can be so successful at marketing films (I understand Condemned has now not been watched in a significantly greater amount
of homes than it was last year), surely, TNA, pro-wrestling's "Little Engine That Could"...if it wasn't for guys whose
names rhyme with Vince Russo and Dutch Mantel, could also get in on this movie business, and in turn churn out some truly
epic films? That is the big question. Well, fear not! Because here I am to ANSWER THE CHARGE, AND TYPE
IN ALL CAPS TO RELAY THAT I'M REALLY ENTHUSIASTIC OR ANGRILY YELLING, OR BOTH. I mean, why not
TNA? TNA has made HUGE strides. They sometimes get a 1.2 instead of just a 1.1. And that's something that should be revered
and applauded and other words for revered and applauded that I'm too lazy to look up. So, as far as I'm concerned, to
TNA, making movies would be a walk in the park. A park which ironically enough they only leave about 3
times a year. And one that also doubles as a movie lot! Coincidence? Umm, probably.
That all (tediously) said, I thought to myself, "What's stopping me from creating
a few TNA-centric FILMS, to show those WWE guys what they're missing?" (And not just a good bulk of their former midcarders.
Although, that seems to be about it). And with in mind, I created a few TNA STRAIGHT-TO-DVD RELEASES!
Because, after all, who better to create films than a company that can't seem to decide who's a heel, who's a face, and just
who was the asshole Abyss murdered if James Mitchell really is his father, and what happened to his mother who was on
TNA last year, and why hasn't TNA admitted Judas Mesias is Abyss's brother, and why is he even called Abyss if everyone
in TNA knows and refers to him as Chris Parks? And holy shit. Never mind.
Now, the big trick was coming up with ORIGINAL CONCEPTS.
But since I don't really believe in those, it wasn't really a problem, you see. And yes, for the record, I
actually avoided taking the cheap route and resisted creating THE ABYSS for the aforementioned Abyss. Mostly
because I couldn't figure out how the aquatic extraterrestrials could nonsensically incorporate thumb-tacks into their act....
But enough with this jibber jabber! Let's get to the movies! You'll be able
to find them in 3 months buried under Dark Man 3: Die Darkman Die and Double Team starring Jean-Claude Van-Damme and Dennis
Rodman. It should be something. And terrible.
TNA STRAIGHT TO DVD RELEASES~!
NO COUNTRY FOR CURRY MEN!
STARRING: CURRY MAN~!
Tagline: There Are No Clean Getaways. There
Is However Clean Colons.
Plot: A masked hitman is hot (and spicy)
on the trail of a hunter in possession of a bag full of curried rice, strangely permanently adhered to a plate, & 2
million dollars in cash.
Sean's Take: Come on! Who wouldn't want
to see a dude kill a bunch of people with an oxygen-tank-powered hose that propels pungent rice & vegetables?
I mean, sure, a person could argue that everyone he's "tracking" could smell the dude coming a mile away, and thus always
escape, but hey, whatever. He's hot. He's spicy, He tastes great. And he kills people with projectile Indian cuisine.
Then he dances. My god does he dance. It's awesome. What's not to love? The explosive diarrhea? Maybe.
BROKEN FREAKIN' FRIDAY.
Starring: Kurt Angle & Jeff Jarrett.
Tagline: Different Bodies. Same Push.
Plot: On one Freakin' Friday, two of
TNA's most historically over-pushed Main-Eventers suddenly find themselves in each other's bodies!
No one really notices the difference, though. Imagine that. But hey, lessons are learned, as each earns a
new appreciation for the other!
Kurt (In Jarrett's body): "I never
knew the pressure you were under to defeat so many promising people, and get all the TV time!"
Jeff (in Kurt's body): "Me too!"
Kurt (In Jarrett's Body): "So, want to go pin
Kaz a few times or something?"
Jeff (In Kurt's body): "I am like SO there. T-H-E-R-E."
Kurt (In Jeff's body): "Ya, that's enough of that."
Jeff (In Kurt's body): "S-O-Double R-Y."
Sean's Take: What a movie! It was so weird to see these
two completely opposite people switch roles. Although, I think Karen figured it out pretty fast, the way Kurt kept insisting
on phonetically spelling everything, and of course the lack of anal sex. (Slap Nuts is no longer literal!).
I
also thought it was a nice touch how Kurt seemingly played every part in this film, was involved in every scene, and
was pretty much the complete and total focal point for two straight hours. If they could apply this to TNA Impact,
I have NO DOUBT they'd somehow defeat WWE! Ahem. Or maybe just score another 1.1. Forever.
 MEET SAMOA JOE BLACK.
Starring: Samoa Joe, The Carters, Vince
Russo.
Tagline: Death Never Takes A Holiday. Common
Sense Booking? It's Not Expected Back For A While.
Plot: "Death" comes to Orlando in the form
of a portly Samoan named Joe (Dead Lei? What? No good?). While on "vacation" (and purposely not signing a lowball contract
extension), Joe is taken under the wing of a business mogul and his daughter, who groom him for leadership of their
company. However, by the end, nothing comes of it and a bunch of other people from a rival "company" get
all the best positions. That's the movie. Yup.
Sean's Take: The most powerful scene in
the film is definitely where Joe Black puts the long suffering old woman out of her misery. Although, delivering the
muscle-buster was a tad bit much. My second favorite part was where Joe just disappears half way through the movie, and Christian,
Kurt Angle and Sting all take turns being Grim Reaper, hoping no one notices. They were going to go with a non-WWE guy, but
come on. Like anyone would pay to see that.
BLACK MACHISMO MOAN.
Starring: Jay Lethal, SoCal Val, Sonjay
Dutt.
Tagline: Randy Savage Ain't The Only Dude
Who Knows How To Keep His Woman Locked Away...
Plot: A God-fearing Macho Man bounds a wild
woman (Sol Cal Val), and schools her in the ways of the madness. And other things that make little sense. Dig
it.
Sean's Take: This was a ultimately a story
of redemption. I think. I actually stopped understanding after the first sentence out of Machismo's mouth. Something about
slithering with the snakes and soaring with the eagles and being everywhere in-between. I think it's a parable for the unyielding human
spirit. Or gibberish. I'm not quite sure. Oh, you might want to stop the movie once Team 3D strangely shows up and kills
Lethal and Dutt, just because.
THE COUNT OF MONTE SOPP.
Starring: Kip James. BG James. Chuck Palumbo.
Tagline: Prepare For An Assload of Revenge.
Plot: Who cares? It's fucking Billy Gunn.
He gets imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit. Which obviously eliminates sodomy. Right, Chuck? Oh, ya, he
eventually gets "revenge", all while hoping Fernand stays bent over long enough so he can slay him with the
fame-asser. That's all you need to know. Trust me.
Sean's Take: Just when you think a man couldn't
make a puffy shirt look gayer, here comes Kip James with his pig-tails and women's orthopedic bicycle shorts ( You'd think
Spandex would be quite hard to come by in the early 1800's...).
NATURAL BORN RELLIK'S.
Starring: Rellik, Dustin Rhodes.
Tagline:
His Name Means Killer Backward. His Gimmick Is Terrible Frontward.
Plot: "Mickey & Mallory" go on a killing
(gnillik?) streak. They're then caught and easily killed inside 5 minutes by authorities, because come
on, when was the last time Rellik beat anyone? I mean, really?
Sean's Take: That was still 4 minutes more
than I had originally predicted.
COMING SOON!
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BIG SEXY, LIES & VIDEOTAPE.
Starring: Kevin Nash!
An erotic masterpiece brought to us by acclaimed horror director Sean
Waltman (One Night in China). Big Sexy, Lies & Videotape is currently only 1/8th finished, as Big Nash tripped over
the best boy and tore every muscle in his lower body the first day of shooting. He's still making one million dollars
regardless, though, so no worries.
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TO THE BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Starring: Mike Tenay, Don West.
It's the greatest story never quite finished being told! Seriously.
This movie is the greatest thing I've ever seen in the history, Mike!
Mike Tenay, utilizing "Doc" West's Delorean, powered by plutonium
and baseball cards, travels back to 1955, 1855, 2015, 2055, 2205, 3005, and many, many other completely random destinations,
just because. Truth is, they just keep cutting away for no reason. But boy is it exciting. I mean, it has to be! They're
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THURSDAY NIGHT FEVER.
Starring: Glen Gilberti, Dutch Mantel,
Vince Russo, Jeff Jarrett, and Abyss. Maybe. Nobody seems to ever know if he's on the Creative team or not.
Answers people! Come on!
Thursday Night Fever is the story of, well, fever. Seriously. These guys
have to have some sort of lethal hallucinogenic condition to come up with all those pole matches and reverse battle royals... |
THE PASSION OF CHRISTIAN CAGE.
Starring: Christian Cage. Tomko, AJ Styles.
His greatest miracle was making people care about Tomko! His biggest pratfall
was being betrayed by AJ Styles for 30 pieces of silver and an accidental secret marriage to Mary Magdalene. One minute he's
just standing there. The next he's married! That's how this works!
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 ROB ROODE.
Starring: Robert Roode, Traci Brooks.
Honor made him a man. Courage made him a hero. History made him a Legend.
A complete lack of personality and base charisma made him difficult to watch. He's Robert Roode MacGregor, hero of the Scottish
Highlands. No, seriously. TNA sees something in this guy and is not giving up. Not ever. Oh, and just ignore the part
where Mary MacGregor has breast implants in the 1700's. Just admire them. There's some rolling hills
I could really get behind! Or on top of. Or between. Whichever.
Ok, so, these were some pretty shitty movies. I'll admit it. But tell me
the truth, you'd still rather watch these than fucking Superhero movie, right? Exactly.
See you at the Movies~! (I'll be the guy in the raincoat being escorted out
of the Theater in handcuffs).
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears
those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania,
Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
Send Feedback to Sean Carless
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