A
couple of year's ago, in the midst of WWE entering
the movie business to create some of the best
movies you've never seen in your life, I created a
list of films that I speculated WWE would
eventually create, release, then
instantly deposit into that dusty
bin in Wal-Mart where you can find *cinematic
masterpieces* like Carnosaur, Jack Frost and
Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami
Beach for like 2 bucks. I was, however,
eventually proven
WRONG, as the
brilliance of
film-making dynamo Scott Wiper (who's ancestors
must not have had the greatest vocation in the
world, just saying),
obviously could NOT be denied, and
eventually the overwhelming turnout of
the fifteen people that bought tickets to The
Condemned, forced me, and others like me, to
admit defeat and eat a big plate of crow. A
plate, which in addition to my popcorn and
movie cola, cost me about 40 dollars. This is
truly how WWE made their money back. I'm telling
you...
So,
with WWE staying on that horse, and scheduling
MORE movies in the coming year, where no doubt ,
John Cena will *once again* be denied his
rightful Oscar nod,
DESPITE HIP-TOSSING A DUDE
THROUGH A FLAMING GAS STATION
INFERNO, surely TNA can
also follow suit and throw its
(cowboy) hat into the
ring? A RING THAT
HAS SIX SIDES, THAT IS~!
REVOLUTIONARY! Because, after all, if
WWE can be so successful at marketing films (I
understand Condemned has now not been watched in a
significantly greater amount of homes than it
was last year!), surely, TNA,
pro-wrestling's "Little Engine That
Could...if it wasn't for guys whose names rhyme
with Vince Russo and Dutch Mantel", could also get
in on this movie "business", and in
turn churn out some truly epic films?
That is the big question. Well, fear not!
Because here I am toANSWER THE CHARGE, AND TYPE IN
ALL CAPS TO RELAY THAT I'M REALLY ENTHUSIASTIC OR
ANGRILY YELLING, OR BOTH. I
mean, why not TNA? TNA has made
HUGE strides. They sometimes get a 1.1 instead of
just a 1.0. And that's something that should be
revered and applauded and other words for revered
and applauded that I'm too lazy to look up.
So, as far as I'm concerned, to TNA,
making movies would be a walk in
the park. A park which ironically enough they
only leave about 3 times a year. And one that also
doubles as a movie lot! Coincidence? Umm,
probably.
That
all (tediously) said, I thought to
myself, "What's stopping me
from creating a few TNA-centric
FILMS, to show those WWE guys what they're
missing?" (And not just a good bulk of
their former mid-carders. Although, that
seems to be about it). And with in mind, I
created a few TNA STRAIGHT-TO-DVD
RELEASES! Because, after all, who better
to create films than a company that can't seem to
decide who's a heel, who's a face, and just who
was that asshole Abyss murdered and went to jail
for if James Mitchell really is his
father? And what happened to his mother who was on
TNA last year? And why hasn't TNA admitted Judas
Mesias is Abyss's brother, and why is he
even called Abyss if everyone in
TNA knows and constantly refers
to him as Chris Parks? And holy
shit. Never mind.
Now,
the big trick was coming up with ORIGINAL CONCEPTS.
But since I don't really believe in
those, it wasn't really a problem, you see. And
yes, for the record, I actually avoided
taking the cheap route and resisted creating
THE ABYSS for the aforementioned Abyss.
Mostly because I couldn't figure out how the
aquatic extraterrestrials could nonsensically
incorporate thumb-tacks into saving the earth from
potential nuclear destruction.
But enough with this
jibber jabber! Let's get to the movies! You'll be
able to find them in 3 months buried under Dark
Man 2: Die Darkman Die and Double Team starring
Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman. It should
be something. And terrible.
TNA STRAIGHT TO DVD
RELEASES~!
NO COUNTRY FOR
CURRY MEN!
STARRING:
CURRY MAN~!
Tagline: There Are No Clean Getaways.
There Is However A Lot Of Clean
colons.
Plot: A masked hit man is hot
(and spicy!) on the trail of a hunter in
possession of a bag full of curried rice,
strangely permanently adhered to a plate. Hey, it
happens!
Sean's Take: Come on! Who
wouldn't want to see a dude kill a bunch of people
with an oxygen-tank-powered hose that propels
pungent rice & vegetables? I mean, sure,
a person could argue that everyone he's
"tracking" could smell the dude coming a mile
away, and thus always escape, but hey,
whatever. He's hot. He's spicy, He tastes great.
What more could you want? Him and Chris Daniels in
the same room at the same time? Maybe. Did I
mention he kills people with projectile
Indian cuisine? Then he dances? My god does he
dance. It's awesome. What's not to love?
The explosive diarrhea? Maybe.
BROKEN
FREAKIN' FRIDAY.
Starring: Kurt Angle & Jeff
Jarrett.
Tagline: Different Bodies. Same
Push.
Plot: On one Broken Freakin'
Friday, two of TNA's most historically
over-pushed Main-Eventers suddenly find
themselves in each
other's bodies! OH NOES. No one
really notices the difference,
though. Imagine that. But hey, lessons are
learned, as each earns a new appreciation for the
other while still getting all the TV time.
See!:
Kurt (In Jarrett's body): "I never knew
the unbelievable pressure you were under to
defeat so many promising people, whether it made
sense or not and was detrimental to the
company!
Jeff (in Kurt's body): " R-e-a, double L, y? Me
t-double-o!"
Kurt (In Jarrett's body):
"
Umm, ya. It really is a small
world...."
Jeff (in Kurt's body):
"W-E, double-L, that just makes it easier to beat
everybody!"
Kurt (In Jarrett's
Body): "So, true! Speaking of
which; want to go pin Kaz a few times or
something?".
Jeff (In Kurt's body):
"I am like SO there.
T-H-E-R-E."
Kurt (In Jeff's body):
" Ah, ya, I was meaning to ask; do ya REALLY
have to keep phonetically spelling every single
thing like
that?
Jeff (In Kurt's body):
"S-O-Double
R-Y."
Kurt (In Jeff's body):
"D'oh!"
Sean's Take :
What a movie! It was so weird to see these two
completely opposite people switch roles. Talk
about method acting! The way they pinned all those
people so effortlessly and kept getting title
reigns, it was like they were really living in
each other's skins! Amazing! Although, I think I
could have done with the Kurt as Jarrett anal-sex
scene with Karen! I'll never think
of the expression "Slap Nuts" the same way
again!
I also thought it was a nice touch how
Kurt seemingly played every part in this film, was
involved in every scene, and was pretty much the
complete and total focal point for two
straight hours. If they could apply this
to TNA Impact, I have NO DOUBT they'd somehow
defeat WWE! Ahem. Or maybe just score another
1.1.... Forever.
MEET
SAMOA JOE BLACK.
Starring: Samoa Joe,
The Carters, Vince
Russo.
Tagline: Death Never
Takes A Holiday. Common Sense Booking? It's Not
Expected Back For A
While.
Plot: "Death" comes to
Orlando in the form of a portly Samoan named Joe.
(Dead Lei?
What? No good?).
While on "vacation" (and
purposely not signing a lowball contract
extension), Joe is taken under the wing of a
business mogul and his daughter, who groom
him for leadership of their company.
However, it takes three years for anything to
really even happen and you completely lose
interest in the movie
altogether.
Sean's Take: I thought
it was particularly enjoyable the way most of the
roster kept trying to "accidentally" push
Vince Russo into The Reaper, hoping something would happen.
It's just a shame he was on
vacation!
My
favorite part though was where Joe just
gets demoted half way through the movie, and
Christian, Kurt Angle and Sting all take turns
being Grim Reaper, hoping no one notices. They
were going to go with a homegrown TNA guy as
Death, but come on. Like anyone would pay to see
that! 1.1!
BLACK
MACHISMO MOAN.
Starring: Jay Lethal,
SoCal Val, Sonjay
Dutt.
Tagline: Randy Savage
Ain't The Only Macho Man Who Knows How To
Keep His Woman Locked
Up!...
Plot: A
God-fearing Macho Man bounds a wild
woman (SoCal Val) in chains, and schools her
in the ways of the madness~! That's it. The movie
only ends up running 2 hours because Machismo
keeps insisting on saying everything twice.
Everything
twice!
Sean's Take: This was a
ultimately a story of redemption. I think. I
actually stopped understanding after the first
sentence out of Machismo's mouth. Something about
slithering with the snakes and soaring with the
eagles and being everywhere in-between. I think
it's a parable for the unyielding human
spirit. Or gibberish. I'm not quite sure. Oh, you
might want to stop the movie once Team
3D nonsensically shows up and kills
Lethal and Dutt, just
because.
THE
COUNT OF MONTE SOPP.
Starring: Kip James. BG
James. And a special appearance from Chuck
Palumbo.
Tagline: Prepare For An
Assload of
Revenge!
Plot: Who cares? It's
fucking Billy Gunn. He gets imprisoned for a crime
he didn't commit or something. Which
obviously eliminates sodomy. Right, Chuck?
Oh, ya, he eventually gets
"revenge", all while hoping Fernand
stays bent over long enough so he can slay him
with the fame-asser. That's all you need to
know. Trust me. It all works as well as his
1999 King of the Ring Title did. Let's just
pretend none of it even happened. You'll thank me
later.
Sean's Take: Just when
you think a man couldn't make a puffy
pirate shirt look any gayer, here comes
Kip James with his pig-tails and women's
orthopedic bicycle shorts! ( You'd think Spandex
would be quite hard to come by in the early
1800's...).
NATURAL
BORN RELLIK'S.
Starring: Rellik,
Dustin
Rhodes.
Tagline: His Name Means
Killer Backward. His Gimmick Is Terrible
Frontward.
Plot: "Mickey &
Mallory" go on a killing (gnillik?) streak.
They're then caught and easily killed
inside 5 minutes by authorities, because come
on, when was the last time Rellik beat anyone? I
mean,
really?
Sean's Take: That was
still 4 minutes more than I had originally
predicted.
COMING
SOON!
BIG SEXY, LIES &
VIDEOTAPE.
Starring: Kevin
Nash!
An
erotic masterpiece brought to us by acclaimed
horror director Sean Waltman ( You may have seen
his chilling work in One Night in China).
Big Sexy, Lies & Videotape
is currently only 1/8th finished, as Big Nash
tripped over the best boy and tore every
muscle in his lower body the first day of
shooting. We think. Truth is, no one saw him do
any of this and it kind of just happened when
he was expected to work. Last week it was a
heart-attack. Oh; he's still making one
million dollars regardless, though, so no
worries.
TO THE
BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Starring: Mike Tenay, Don
West.
It's the greatest story never
quite finished being told! Seriously. This
movie is the greatest thing I've ever seen in the
history, Mike!
Mike Tenay,
utilizing "Doc" West's Delorean, powered
by plutonium, garbage (Russo Scripts) and
baseball cards, travels back to 1955, 1855, 2015,
2055, 2205, 3005, and many, many,
many other
completely random destinations, just
because. Truth is, they just keep cutting away for
no reason. But boy is it exciting! I mean, it
has to be! They're yelling!
THURSDAY NIGHT FEVER.
Starring: Glen
Gilberti, Dutch Mantel, Vince Russo, Jeff Jarrett,
and Abyss. Maybe. Nobody seems to ever know
if he's on the Creative team or
not.
Answers people! Come
on!
Thursday Night Fever is the
story of, well, fever. Seriously. These
guys have to have some sort of lethal
hallucinogenic condition to come up with all those
pole matches and reverse battle
royals...
THE PASSION OF
CHRISTIAN CAGE.
Starring: Christian
Cage. Tomko, AJ
Styles.
His greatest miracle was
making people care about Tomko! His biggest
pratfall was being betrayed by AJ Styles for 30
pieces of silver and an accidental secret marriage
to Mary Magdalene. One minute he's just standing
there. The next he's married! That's how this
works!
 ROB
ROODE.
Starring: Robert Roode,
Traci
Brooks.
Honor made him a man. Courage
made him a hero. History made him a Legend. A
complete lack of personality and base charisma
made him difficult to watch. He's Robert Roode
MacGregor, hero of the Scottish Highlands. No,
seriously. TNA sees something in this guy and is
not giving up. Not ever. Oh, and just ignore
the part where Mary MacGregor has breast implants
in the 1700's. Just admire them. There's some
rolling hills I
could really get behind! Or on top of. Or
between. Whichever. I'm flexible. Hopefully
she is, too.
Ok, so, these were some pretty
shitty movies. I'll admit it. But tell me the
truth, you'd still rather watch these than
that fucking Superhero movie, right?
Exactly.
See you at the Movies~! (I'll
be the guy in the raincoat being escorted out of
the Theater in
handcuffs).
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk
Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
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