A very drunk Neil
Cathan here for TNA: "Road To Victory", as my cable
provider calls it.
Opening the PPV off
is a TNA Knockouts title defence for Tara, against
Angelina Love
Tara vs Angelina Love, TNA Knockouts
title.
Hey look! Sexy women!
Considering what my drinking look liked earlier this
evening, this is certainly an improvement. Tara appears
to have a tarantula trapped in a glass box, which people
what are beautiful seem scared of, despite it being
trapped in a box what is glass. Tara fulfills many a
male fantasy, dominating Angelina Love. Tarantula (but
not the one that's in a glass box) on Angelina, but then
beautiful people attack her outside. Heel commentator
Don West talks about how this is cheating, making him
bad on a whole other level. Congratulations Don West,
you found a new level of suck. Now is the time of
Angelina being in control, before giving a shitty
looking 2nd rope clothesline that gets two. Crisp
workers like Tara apparently refuse to job to moves that
are less than crisp. Double down, and the fans count
along very enthusiastically, clearly hoping that this
will soon be over. Tara back in control, following a
flapjack with a moonsault for two. Velvet standing on
the apron, then sitting on the apron when Tara knocks
her down. Hairspray actually gets Angelina, and Tara
rolls her up, but ref not around to count pin, as he's
telling beautiful people to be backstage people.
Angelina then hits a weird slam thingy, and gets three
count, even though Tara's foot is on the rope, for an
OMG controversy finish.
Winner,
and new TNA Knockouts champion: Angelina
Love.
Kick downs Slick
Johnson, Widow's Peak on Angelina Love, and the
tarantula comes out of the glass box, and onto Slick,
who freaks the fuck out.
Tenay and West talk
about Victory Road, which confuses me because I thought
I was watching Road To Victory. Madness! Or possibly
just Sparta.
JB backstage with the
MEM locker room, where Kurt, whose hair has now started
to grow on his chin as well, since last time I saw him.
Next time I see him, he'll just be a mass of hair, like
cousin It. Kurt repeats stuff, a lot. Apparently, losing
a match tonight means being out of the Mafia. Kurtle
tells us not to expect a good match from him tonight.
Well, since we've bought the show already, I guess we
can be honest that it'll suck, huh?
Matt Morgan w/Superior Genetics vs
DANIELS w/o Right to a first
name
Apparently, all of
this match is happening outside the ring. And we get
back in, but that's just a tease, as Morgan does the
exact same slam into the apron, until an apron moonsault
turns things around, only for more Morgan domination on
the outside, before some working of the leg in the ring,
with working of the leg, and some suplexes (in keeping
with the psychology of working the leg), before DANIELS
makes a brief return to getting actual offence. However
his leg is too far gone from the Morgan attack, allowing
Morgan to continue burying DANIELS, before finishing
him.
Winner:
Matt Morgan
Glad to see that
Daniel's return push is going well, with a brief angle
that went nowhere with Douglas, he's jobbing to Morgan.
Stevie promo ends
with a sweet Empire referece, responding to Daphney's
confession of love with "I know."
Abyss vs Stevie
Richards
Richards plays
punching bag for Abysss, making a few attempts at a come
back, which Abyss is unaffected by, before he easily
hurls Richards around some more. RUN, RICHARDS RUN!
Stevie hurls himself into the crowd, only for Abyss to
continue abusing Dr. Stevie, who has taught me the
lesson that all REAL doctors use their first name as
their title, not their last. Tired of my fraudulent
doctors, with their last names. Don West says "And
that's all I have to say" Boy, I Wish.
Abyss looks so happy
with himself, and then claps, like a seal. Stevie has a
ridicustupidlame blade job, basically a line of red at
the top of his head. Now Abyss looks sad, despite
clapping like a seal with a fuck off huge grin on his
face just a
minute earlier. Wonder if Stevie's therapy
including treating mood swings?
Speaking of therapy:
Thanks, Halo. I'm going to need therapy after reading my
immortal...
Richards is hurled
head first into a corner with a chair in it, before
being scooped up for a shock treatment. Cover, and lift
him by the head to interrupt the pin. Daphney makes her
way to ring, allowing Stevie to low blow Abyss. Lauren
goes to Abyss, who sells the nut shot like he was
actually shot. Just lies there, totally still. Richards
runs at Abyss with a tazer, gets a black hole slam, gets
tazered, gets pinned.
Winner:
Abyss, fans of PPV squash
matches.
Good to see Abyss
back in black, although the announcers insist on calling
it new ring gear. I guess something about the company
had to seem new. Mick Foley gives a motivational speech
to his men., and then there's a Team 3D promo. Hey, they
have 22 world tag titles. I never knew that. If only
Brother Ray would say it a few more
times.
IWGP Tag Title Match. Team 3D vs
British
Invasion
Doug chain wrestles
with D-Von. By which I mean he wrestles, while D-Von
sort of lies there doing nothing, SHADES OF THE LAST
TIME I HAD SEX. I don't blame her for doing nothing
though, you can't really expect much movement from the
dead.
Brother Ray plays Ricky Morton, which suits, as
he looks like he may well have eaten Ricky Morton. Ray
sells like fuck for them, only to kick out at one from
a cover,
ruining the effect of what felt like an hour of boring
sitting in rest holds and getting stomped. All for
nothing. D-Von is a house on fire, before the match
reaches the inevitable falling apart stage. Waazup on
Dougy. British guy who looks like he eats Steroidos for
breakfast hits on D-Von(s back) outside as he gets a
table. Doug takes a 3D anyway, leading to a three count.
Abdul Bashir and Kiyoshi run out to attack 3D, because
them forrun types are the same anyway.
However Foreign <
The good people of Dudleyville, who 3D them dirty
foreigns through a table.
The screwy Knockout
title match finish gets so much attention you'd think
that clean finishes in title matches were commonplace,
as Lauren interviews Slick, who is sorry, and going to
ask Cornette to give Tara a rematch. He has what sway
over Cornette now? Lauren says we'll get more updates. I
know I'm on the edge of my seat to hear about
this.
Sharmell vs
Jenna
Apparently, Sojo Bolt
is training Sharmell, presumably teaching her to be even
more boring! Jenna has Kong in her
Korner
Jenna does a sort of
stripper dance thing, and Sharmell beats her up, while I
give the same treatment to my cock. Camel(toe) clutch on
Jenna, but I guess we have to pay an extra fee to see
her make Jenna humble. Sojo comes into the ring to help
Sharmell, because she needs it, before Jenna makes a
huge babyface comeback of slapping, and a
"CAAATFIIIIGHT!" to quote the great Joey Styles. Kong
hits Sharmell in her hand, causing her to fall over as
if shot. Jenna does a sort of lap dance on Sharmell to
finish her and me.
Winner:
Kleenex.
TNA: WE
WERE
WRESTLING!
Jenna and Kong
celebrate, before Jenna gets pissy at Kong, slapping her
and getting KO'd for her efforts. Maybe Kong hit her
hand. I hear that's a deadly spot for
women.
Kevin Nash vs AJ Styles, for the TNA
Legends Title.
They circle each
other, and circle each other, and then there's a hit or
two, and then they circle. Nash is taken down, and rolls
outside, and then we stall some more. AJ backflips away
from a clothesline. Nash has broken
a sweat stalling around the ring. That's how good a
state he's in. Nash then hits AJ a bunch. AJ comes back
with a kick that doesn't connect at all, and then Nash
kicks him, sending him over the top. Captivating stuff,
guys. Jacknife is almost turned into the Rey Mysterio
finish, but Nash kicks. AJ gets some actual offence in!
He then hits Nash's legs to the point that Nash gets big
face heat. REST HOLDS. Because all that stalling was
getting boring. Pele gets a two count, which doesn't
shock me, but the fans seem awed. Nash then chokeslams
Styles, burying him totally in the
process.
Winner:
Kevin Nash
MOAR NEWS about the
women's title match. Slick is seen leaving the showers
with Madison. Damnit Slick! You couldn't have sold out
for the hot chick? I'm disappointed.
Beer Money vs Harlem Steiners
for TNA Tag
Team Titles.
Quick moves from Beer
Money keep Booker down, and then it's double team time
on Roode. Roode starts to make a comeback,and there's a
back and forth with Steiner. Heels sent flying from the
ring, and the Beer Money taunt gets a big pop. Mafia
turn things back around, and it's the standard face gets
heat, and makes hot tag territory. Which is a shame, as
the match has been different from the standard formula
so far. Hart attack with a leg lariat rather than
clothesline was a nice spot. Things quickly break down
into a chaotic brawl. Hebner has something in his eyes,
or something, keeping him from counting the pin for Beer
Money. Mafia then double team Roode as Storm shouts at
Hebner, who counts the pin for the
baddies.
Samoa Joe talks about
his mentor with a black towel over his head. I WONDER
WHO HIS MENTOR COULD BE?
Samoa Joe vs
Sting
Quickly becomes a
brawl through the crowd. Wasn't there supposed to NEVER,
NOT EVER be a rematch between these two? Slick joeplex
onto the ramp. Joe is whipped into the steps, and
controlled from here. Joe sends Sting outside, and tope
suicidas onto him. Back in the ring, splash and jumping
enzuiguri in the corner. Sting gets brutalised. Both men
are losing facepaint. I hear that the first one to have
a naked face is the loser. Kind of like a bra and
panties match, on your face. Sting makes a quick
comeback, managing to lock a Scorpion Deathlock on.
Suddenly, a metal guitar riff plays, and OMG TAZ! What a
shock! With Taz at ringside, Joe makes his way to his
feet to...get owned a bit. Well, that was anticlimatic.
Joe crotches Sting on the ropes, and chokes him out in
the clutch.
Winner:
Samoa Joe
Taz in the ring,
bumps knuckles with Joe. That was it? That was the big
pay off? There's then a Lashley promo about having an
MMA fight against Brock Lesnar.
Relevance!
Kurt
Angle vs Mick Foley for TNA World
Title
Foley looks deadly
serious, and talks about his game plan against Kurt
Angle. Silly Foley was fun, but this intensity is
supremely badass. When Foley really clicks on what he
wants to promo about, it's unmatchable. JB has Hulk
Hogan levels of orange, brother. I call the finish that
Mick can't get the win due to powder in the eyes, and JB
challenges and pins Angle to close the show up.
Angle keeps Foley in
a headlock, before Foley pushes him away and hits a big
elbow. This becomes a pattern, Foley beating Angle to
the mat and applying a headlock. Foley continues his
dominance of Angle, including his running knee into the
corner. Angle tries to escape, and is beaten down
outside, before being given a cool looking legdrop
across the ropes as he slides in, followed by having his
neck pulled onto the top rope. Suplex into the ring gets
two. Eye rake brings it back for Angle, who keeps it
going for him until he is catapulted to the outside.
Attack on Foley's knees to bring it back to Angle, the
combo ending in an Angle lock, only for Foley to power
out. Foley dodges a moonsault. Double Arm DDT, gets a
two. Foley also kicks an Angle Slam. Angle downs the
ref, and fetches a chair. Foley cuts it off with a
mandible, Angle falls outside, and takes an elbow drop.
Angle kicks back in the ring. Coquina Clutch/Manidble
Claw cross over move. Looked niiice. Kurt
rolls into a half mount and punches FOley repeatedly,
before slapping an Anglelock on. Foley struggles, and
struggles, and makes it eventually to the ropes. Angle
releases, and attacks Foley before dragging him to the
centre of the ring, before putting it back on,
grapevining the leg to secure the win.
The MEM then
basically have a big ass party in the ring, celebrating
how they're burying the company. Yay for no credible
opponents!
All in all, the
actual content in the ring was fun, but the outcomes
consisted entirely of burials.
Elsewhere on the site:
My namesake fights EXTREME apathy on the SyFy
Channel, WWE gets Closed Captioned, the veteran Cameron
Burge delivers the best raw rant. Period. TMI for me,
but oh well, and Andy Halo deals with iMPACT, and does
as good a job with something that dire as anyone could
ask for.
As for me, Hard
Justice is going to have to be my final Totally
Nonsensical Action, as I'll be moving to Uni, away
from the glories of 3 day late free replays on Bravo 2.
Watching it in squint-o-vision on my laptop appeals
almost as much as actually buying the show.
