TNA IMPACT!

05/08/08

Showtime, folks! I was really not wanting to do this tonight after last week's mind screw, but after reading about how shitty Raw was and WWECW being... well, WWECW, I got a Sting-like second wind after being hit over the head with a guitar. So I shouted, flexed, and proceeded to kick ass. Or something.

Hey, I'm not late for once! We start it off with Cornette clearing things up. Matt Morgan, gay dressed Kip James, BG James, James Storm w/ Jackie, Booker w/ huge pop, Robert Roode, This... is... Sting!, Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed. Everybody was bugging Cornette, but Sting. So Cornette is going to draw the first two teams tonight. First drawn is Sting. He enters the ring and draws his partner... James Storm. Random drawing I swear! He enters and cuts off Cornette and talks shit and they get into a fight. James E. sez that the teams selected are going to fight each other one-on-one and makes Sting/Storm NO DQ.

Borash is outside and Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner make a deal to take out Joe in the match tonight.

TerrorDome video! All the way from Lucha-land for the best and brightest of the X-Division. And Johnny Devine too. He's fairly average (though does have an X-Division Title reign).

Non-Title Chili 6-Way X-Division Clusterfuck- He's hot... He's spicy... He tastes great... Curry Man! vs. Jimmy Rave w/ Lance Hoyt and Christy Hemme vs. Consequences Creed w/ WCW talk to the camera on the way to the ring-ness vs. Johnny Devine w/ Kendo Stick, video camera, and doofy hat vs. “Stone Cold” Shark Boy vs. TNA X-Division Champion “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams w/ Rhaka Khan

Devine and Creed go back and forth in the early going and then Curry walks on Johnny D. Sharky stomps the shit out of him. Petey levels him from the outside and gets the tag. Rave blind tags in and he and Devine take turns beating up Sharky. Devine misses the 450 kneedrop. Ouchies. Curry runs wild and hits the “Domo Lariato”. Trust me, it's much more impressive than the name suggests. Curry Crossbody's someone from the top. Rave and Creed make the save. Creed has almost as many wins as Rave. Curry gets sent out then slingshot 'Rana'd by Petey on the floor. Then Rave goes flying to the floor after a missed corner charge. Shark Man hits the I Can't Believe it's Not Codebreaker on somebody. You try recapping this without being able to record. Actually don't, I don't want fired. Creed with the dancey dance jabs. Bad editing and Creed flips out onto three guys. Chummer on Devine(?). CreedDT. Then Creed eats Destroyer. Some countering and whatnot and Rave kicks Petey's face off. Damn. Curry Slingshot Suplexes Rave but the Hemme distracts the ref. Be careful Rudy, her crotch is on fire. Rave gets some more interference from his big partner that holds him back. Jimmy hits that move that I didn't even know had a name until I checked Wikipedia (Ghanarhea/The Move That Rocks the World/Swinging Leg Hook Fireman's Carry Slam) on Curry Man, and Jimmy Rave... wins? Seriously?

Winner: Jimmy Rave?! Believe it!

Celebration the likes of a team that has only won collectively about twice and Rave only three times now ensues.

Sting says he and Storm are gonna do it old school, beat the hell outta each other, and then do it some more. They'll work their shit out and together become tag team champions.

Indy!!!

LAX video. The “established teams” don't look any more established than the random teams. Especially if Kip and BG get teamed up.

The Knockouts are crowded into Cornette's office and we're gonna have a shitty clusterfuck of Clippers on a Pole Match for head shaving immunity. My second wind is officially DEAD!!!

Cage and Rhino in the house. Cage cuts himself an awesome promo. Ray talks shit. Brawl! Security no-showed today. Ray and Devon are getting the best of Caged Rhino, but here comes LAX to kill everybody. Cage gets Border Tossed onto the concrete floor. That had to hurt.

Clippers on a Pole Immunity Match- Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky vs. Traci Brooks vs. Jackie Moore vs. Salinas w/ sombrero and Mexican Flag and sexy dancing vs. Christy Hemme vs. Roxxi Laveaux vs. Gail Kim w/ my eternal love vs. ODB

I'm not even going to try. Just total clusterfuck. Just give a Tower of Doom to make it through the rest of the night. Tracy drops Gail from the second rope a good ol' face plant. Ooh, that was pretty swank. Salinas Tornado DDTs somebody. Nice. Hemme knocks ODB down and has a clear path but turns around for the FFG, which fails like it always does. Super Fallaway Slam. To Traci. From ODB. Voodoo Drop on somebody. Hey this ain't bad. Pretty good even. Picture freakin' perfect TOWER OF DOOM! Amazing considering Velvet Sky was in on it. This match is proving to pretty damn good. The ring gets mostly cleared out by various ladies, leaving only three. Jackie gets Electric Chair'd by ODB, and Gail has a clear path and gets immunity. I is happy now. That match was several shades of awesome.

Winner: and immune to having her head shaved... Gail Kim! I have an inkling this means she won't be winning though the #1 Contender's Lets Throw a Bunch of Stips Against the Wall and See What Sticks Match though...

I just realized my girl Crystal is back! Best Backstage Interviewer ever, though I fear that may be damning her with somewhat faint praise. Samoa Joe talks shit and Kevin Nash is all ominous. And why is he holding the belt? Too feel special?

No Disqualification Match- James Storm w/o Jackie vs. Sting w/ baseball bat

They waist about three seconds going into the crowd. Storm gets Irish Whipped through a wall. Squee. Sting brings it back out to ringside and Storm spits beer in his face and goes under the ring for a table. Inside the ring Storm dropkicks the downed Stinger before he can try to fight back (brilliant), and sets the table up in the corner. Sting fights back but misses a splash from the top. Storm goes for the Last Call but hits the ref. Why are we knocking out the ref in a NO DISQUALIFICATION MATCH? Scorpion Deathlock and Jackie brings a chair into the mix. Sting tries to wake the ref up and manages to avoid the chairshot try. Enzuigiri by Storm and a chairshot finally lays out Sting, but for only two. Storm misses a sad attempt at an I guess Stinger Splash and eats one from the the facepainted one. The one from up top hits on try number two but doesn't put The Cowboy away. Sting takes his bat from Jackie when she tries to intervene. Storm gets ahold of the beer bottle but can't do anything with it. Scorpion Death Drop but Sting opts for a Stinger Splash through the table, just to bury Storm a little bit more. Another SDD and mercifully James Storm's (>^(>T_T)> is over.

Winner: Sting

Strange jacket wearing Borash, of all people, takes issue with Megastar *giggles* Kip James' ghey (allegedly) attire. Kip says he's lead three different guys to tag titles, so he is the standard bearer, but I require a sample. What about Booker? Hasn't he held gold with about eight different guys? He says he was also reason for DX's success, not the redneck, not the barely(?) has a heartbeat kid, not Sean Waltman, though he kinda liked him. Ooh, X-Pac Heat. And not the big nose water spitting, well, you know. Whoever is his partner needs to get on their knees and thank god they get to team up with him to win the gold.

Time now to pick the next team and see everybody's entrance videos again. Matt Morgan is picked out of the fishbowl. He pulls out Kip James' name. Kip demands the big large hothead do exactly what he says. Matt tells him to suck it and beats him up. Cornette declares this match starts now.

Megastar *rofl* Kip James vs. Matt Morgan

Kip gets sent to the floor and we'll be back after these words from our sponsors. (Future Me: Not that this match will be long enough to deserve a commercial break...)

Back with Matt still on the attack, but he misses a charge and gets beat up outside and back in. Matt is back on it with clotheslines and an Avalanche (more like a car wreck) and a side slam. Mountain Bike Kick, as his bicycle kick shall henceforth be called, and that is all.

Winner: Matt Morgan

BG runs down the list of remaining Deuces Wild participants. He and Booker had a similar path, though they never crossed, and he used to wear his hair like Book's, though it looks bad on a fat white guy, so he doesn't now. What? He said it, not me. Robert Roode is rich and good looking (again, his words, not mine), and BG is D-O-Double-G ugly and broke. The he gets to Kong. He says it's time for a change, not just politically, and wants to team with Kong. I can see it. He says standing next to her will be the only way he looks good.

Scott Steiner talks loud and obnoxiously. Angle gives him shit. Petey plays peacemaker because he is Canadian and gets in a jab at Scott's twisted math from last week.

Joe/Steiner/Angle video.

Scott Steiner w/ Khan w/ pipe, and Kurt Angle vs. Kevin Nash & TNA Heavyweight Champion of the World Samoa Joe... after the break.

Nash beats up Angle out of the gate and passes him off to Joe with one of his trademark combinations. Nash is back in and gets raked in the eyes, but Nash is back with a big boot to Steiner. Steiner catches him low when ref is distracted and Kev is getting worked over like rarely happens. I honestly thought he wasn't actually capable of playing Ricky Morton at this point. Not that he's make the ass kicking he's taking look that good. Chinlock on Nash but he fights out and gets a side slam, preferred slam of tall guys everywhere. Nash is caught, but makes the tag. However the ref wasn't looking. Joe makes with the hot tag house cleaning anyway and leaves broken bodies in his wake, which is quite messy if you think about it. Anyway he eventually eats an Angle Slam and Nash goes for a Choke Slam on Kurt, but gets pipe'd by Steiner. Big Immobile takes a shitty looking Angle Slam himself and is pinned by Steiner to take the loss.

Winners: Scott Steiner and Kurt Angle

Nash does the job?! On the same night Jimmy Rave won? Check the temperature in hell.

Angle is tweaked about Steiner stealing the pin and Angle Slams him from the second rope when he goes to celebrate. Ankle Lock and Steiner is tapping and we gone! Sacrifice hard sell to end the show.

The Good: The TNA Knockouts make a stupid pole match not only not suck, but be borderline outstanding. The ladies of TNA rock.

The Bad: James Storm gets buried in berries. Take your emoticon butt secks like a man. I just creeped myself out.

Say Something Weird, Sweet One!: Have you ever tried to recap a weird wrestling show while messing around on eBay and looking at porn at the same time?

05/01/08

It's been a really weird week in wrestling thusfar on the WWE's end. Let's see if TNA can keep it going. I think there's a better than average chance. I mean, this is TNA. This week's lateness, 13 minutes, though I had the show on and saw... everything. Bumbumbum... O.o Now then, let's make an iMPACT! Yeah!

The Egotistical Eight is our stupid episode title. Some nifty shits happened last week.

CurryShark vs. Motor City Machine Guns

I have no idea if this was supposed to be a Deuces Wild match. I'm guessing no since the MCMG lost already last week. Anyway, this was a great match that doesn't mostly dominated by the Guns, but it doesn't see a finish due to Steiner & Petey coming out and beating everybody up. If they can't give me a finish than it's not fair for me to have to do a MCMG match out of the gate.

Petey is fully Steiner-ized, with the dye job and stuff. Sharky eats Canadian Destroyer.

Winners: No Contest

Steiner says you'd think he'd be upset about getting skipped over. But no, he's gonna beat Joe and make Kurt his bitch, but I require a sample. If he isn't upset, why the fuck did he interfere in a perfectly fine match and bury a bunch of X-Division guys? Anyway, Angle doesn't take kindly to Steiner's words, and is here to do something about it. He gets rid of Maple Leaf Muscle and gets Steiner in the Ankle Lock and is making him tap until Petey kills him from behind with the steel pipe. Steiner puts on the Self-Titled Recliner and Joe saves the day and stands tall.

Joe/Angle vs. Steiner/Petey will be your featured bout of the evening. Gee, I wonder whose gonna be doing the job? *cough*Petey*cough*

AJ needs a partner because Tomko went to Japan and got injured or something. Cornette has the Egotistical Eight to deal with and tells AJ if he can't find a partner in the little over an hour he has left, than he's out of the tournament.

Tenay is in the ring and brings out Angelina Love and Velvet Sky. Angie talks shit and gets a great heel reaction and they show Photoshopped pictures of Gail and ODB baldified. Tenay and West didn't know they had the computer skills. Pretty much all pornstars have their own websites though, so it's not unreasonable that they know their shit. Gail and the Dirty One come out and kick their asses and challenge them to a battle in oh, about thirty minutes.

Kurt says see that you stay away from my woman little flippy dippy dimwit. Booker completely and utterly buries AJ when he interrupts his phone call to ax him to be his partner, to the tune of calling him a fan looking for an autograph, disregarding all of his accomplishments when The Prince of Phenomenal brings them up. I am saddened by this turn of events. Jeez Book, uncalled for much??...
Moral: Don't interrupt Booker when he's on the phone.

Joe talks but I can't remember what he said. Something about loving competition and destroying people. Nash sez don't forget about the money.

Deuces Wild Qualifying Match- Kaz & Eric Young vs. LAX w/ Salinas

EY nearly dies from pyro loudness. Kaz is mildly annoyed. Salinas dances. Mmm... Salinas dances... don't need a pack of Topps Heritage to get a boner off of that. Ironically, I bought two packs of equally boner-inducing smoothly wrapped of cards before the show.

The power guys hook it up and Hernandez gets a flying shoulderblock on EY (yes, EY is a bonafied power guy, smallish and with *some* high flying though he may be) after a lil countering and whatnot. Kaz and Homicide enter and counter a bunch until Kaz lands a bodyslam. Sometimes the basic shit is still the most effective. Space Mountain. Wooooo! Springboard legdrop by Kaz. Jaz runs into a Slingshot Shoulderblock from Hernandez, but Homicide can't capitalize with a pin attempt because Hernandez distracted the rent-a-ref. Drive By by LAX. Kaz' crossbody gets caught by Hernandez, and he gets Sitout Powerbombed for two. Picture perfect Overhead Belly courtesy of Homicide to belly gets two. Synchronized corner shoulderblock/clothesline. I love that move. So cool. There is no escaping it. Just a brilliant maneuver. After some more Kaz punching baggery, LAX go for it all and the Cutter off of Hernandez' shoulders. Kaz blocks it and counters out of it. That... was ugly. Single leg dropkick to the big one, and it's time for EY to clean hizzouse. He scores two on 'Cide of a bridged suplex. Hernandez gets rid of Kaz and himself. Back & forth EY and Homicide go and 'Cide with a rollup... for the win!

Kaz is upset about losing and EY is upset for losing. LAX shows respec'.

Winners: LAX... and Mutual Respect knuckle bumpin'!

Homicide has a mic and calls out Hector Guerrero. Commercial time. Nonsense to follow probably.

Homicide says they studied Eddie Guerrero and the whole Guerrero family for years, and they wanted to be like them. Homicide wants Hector to be in their corner at Sacrifice, to lead them to the gold. Hector is in. My cynical bastard meter is tingling. Watch your back Hector.

Traci is trying to get Cornette to agree to something and Jim says she is one of the people he can half-tolerate and says he'll think about her proposal. Matt Morgan enters as she leaves and wants in the Deuces Wild Tornament, and Cornette tells him he'll just have to wait to find out if he's in. BG James attacks Matt from behind, but the big guy fights back and security has to pull them apart.

Love and Sky head to the ring. Focus on their butts. That is all.

You line jumping sonuva bitch!

AJ asks Nash to be his partner. No dice-K.

Angelina Love and Velvet Sky vs. Gail Jim and ODB

ODB chant. Chest to chest and Angie shoves ODB but pays for it. Gail and Big Sky tag in. Sky attacks hard but misses Gail in the corner. Clothesline, dropkick and a body slam. Lucha Armdrag not so much, thanks to Love interference, and Gail gets crotched. Snapmare off the ropes by Sky as we hit the break with the force of 1000 40-watt light bulbs. Hmm... that reminds me. I need to pick up a few light bulbs...

Love is killing Kim, and double teaming off the distraction. Rollup and another by Kim, but she gets blasted down again. Double Clothesline and both women are down. Tags made and ODB cleans house. ODB hits the Fallaway Slam, favorite power move of redneck powerhouses ages 9-95 everywhere. Sky attacks from behind. All she gets is a second rope crotch in the face press for a near fall though. Angie gets removed from the ring by Gail and kick a couple of times. Running Powerslam wins it for the faces.

Winners: ODB and Gail Kim

The good girls celebrate but Angie attacks Gail from behind... *anime nosebleed* Ahem, ODB recovers and the the double team is on. Angelina escapes, but Roxxi is here to attack her from behind (hehe) and toss her back in for a 3-on-1... something. Gail delivers a forearm, and ODB gets a shot in as well, and Roxxi finishes things with a Voodoo... uhh, drawing blank. The three heroines celebrate, and ODB offers her flask to Roxxi, who takes a swig, and Gail does too!

Storm and Roode are doing their things in the back and Roode says last week is water under the bridge while he reads the paper. Slightly drunk Storm asks him if he's reading the comics and he tells him he's looking at stocks and bonds. Storm asks if je means Barry Bonds. This is surreal... AJ asks for one of them to be his partner. Apparently the bottle of spirits he brought as a bribe was inferior, and Storm gives him an earful about it. He calls Karen a skank and AJ gets up in his face. Roode separates them and tells AJ it's two on one, and not in the prince's favor. Another no from Roode and Storm and AJ is in a pickle. Storm grabs up all his beer before he leaves. AJ is a dejected panda, but a shadow looms over the guys. Wow, just like the Christmasepisode with Eric Young. (Peanut Gallery: Shut up about the Christmas episode! We had almost erased it from our memory!) AJ asks if the mystery guy will be his partner and apparently it is so. Is he teaming up with Santa?

Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament Qualifying Match- Rock & Rave Infection vs. “The Prince of Phenomenal” AJ Styles and... Super Eric?!... The hell?

DW and Tenay tell us how it doesn't make sense. Now that I think about it, that was pretty good foreshadowing of it being Eric though. It was eerily similar to the Christmas episode. (Peanut Gallery: *Death Glare*) Uhh... moving on.

AJ outmaneuvers Rave and hits a backbody drop. Eric is in and Rave escapes to his corner. Hoyt is in and the power guys stare down. Two shoulderblocks get nothing for Super Eric, but a Flying Forearm does the job. AJ is in and they hit a double hiptoss. A not quite two count and Hoyt fights back and makes the tag. Phenomenal dropkick to Rave. Hemme tries to distract, but AJ is a one (two?) woman man and is with Karen. Hemme is displeased and trips him when he is back in the neighborhood. Huge STO from Jimmy. Styles takes a double team back elbow and elbow drop. Hoyt plays air guitar on AJ hindquarters and does that spinny slam thing that doesn't have a name that I know of. AJ fights out of Rave's rest hold but can't quite escape, so he hits a Pele. Don West covers his end of the deal. Super Eric with the hot tag and housecleaning. Rave gets set up top and Hoyt gets caught in a fireman's carry. He gets Rave up there too but they escape. Decapitation Clothesline from SE gets two. Eric blocks the Tilt-a-Whirl Armbar and AJ backflips off of them onto Hoyt and 'Ranas him out of his boots. Death Valley Driver ends it.

Winners: Super Eric and AJ Styles

Sting says Cornette is right and this place is a loony bin. The business changes people. No wai!

Tenay and West talk about the Innovation, leading to a preview of the newest concept from TNA... The Terror Dome!

Daisy Haze(!!!!) vs. Cheerleader Melissa

Well this is a nice surprise. I hearts me some Haze, but I didn't expect to see her here. Does the slight modification of the same name count as enough of a change? The Sweet One ponders...

Meslissa overpowers Haze, but the Hazey One outquicks her. Headlock takeover by Haze. Armdrag and headscissors, but Melissa shakes it off and overpowers. Hair tosses and a suplex for a near fall. Haze fights back but gets dropped with a sick forearm. Heart Punch by Haze draws boos. Melissa counters whatever was coming next and hits a KUDO DRIVER(!) and it's academic.

Winner: Cheerleader Melissa

A lil too much shilling going on, but a nifty lil match nonetheless, and they did put over how these two n00bs were looking to impress TNA management, and noticed when stuff was happening.

Scott Steiner brings us some kinda twisted math. According to him, after he runs the numbers, he has a 143.3% chance of beating Joe at Sacrifice. The numbers don't lie. Uhh, okay...
He also calls Joe a sexually inadequate fatass, at least compared with Poppa of Pump. Not touching that one.

TNA X-Division Champion “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams and Scott Steiner w/ Rhaka Khan vs. Kurt Angle and TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Samoa Joe

Joe beats up Petey. Back chop/kick/kneedrop combo. Nonchalant flying attack dodge. Vintage Joe! Yeah... Angle gets in but Petey uses his athleticism and gets a drop toe hold and a dropkick on the back of the Angle's shiny head. Steiner is in and presses the attack, but gets caught with an overhead belly to belly. Joe kicks his ass for a bit but misses Petey Pump's blind tag and continues beating everloving hell out of Scott. He finally turns around in time to eat a missile dropkick.

And now the conclusion of the main event. Clothesline/elbow drop/push-ups from Steiner. Petey is in and Joe fights back, but Steiner catches him with a knee and Petey scores with a Spinning Heel Kick. Overhead belly to belly from Steiner. Steiner gets caught and slammed down in the corner, but Petey dodges then drops Joe. Both men are down. Petey goes up top but jumps right into a boot. Joe goes to tag Kurt, but flips him off instead and does his own hot tag. Hilarity ensues. Petey manages a jawbreaker but gets Snap Powerslammed. Steiner saves. Angle takes Pumpy out and Joe ends it with a Muscle Buster to Petey

Winners: Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle

Angle sneaks up on Joe and German Suplexes him and puts the Ankle Lock on. Steiner chases Kurt out of the ring with the pipe. Joe groggily gets to his feet and Steiner lays him out with the pipe. Steiner and Petey celebrate with the gold.

But the show's not over yet!

Borash tries to get a scoop but Cornette tells him to drink a bowl of Valium soup. Hehe. James E. Cornette is about to shock the world.

Too many commercials for a terrible M. Night Shyamalan movie. TNA should take a cue and and start promoting the hell out of iMPACT! like that though.

Recap of what we just saw.

Cornette is in the ring with the titles. It's time to bring out the egotistical 8.

Matt Morgan is out first. Kip James is here and dressed weird as ever. BG James and his awesome new theme is out next. Never met a beer he didn't like, out now is James Storm w/ Jackie. Booker T now here after his unfortanate dressing down of AJ, who is in the tournament already. The Wizard of Wallstreet Robert Roode. And This... is... Sting!
Cornette starts to go on, but remembers there is still one left yet to introduce. But who could it Drumroll please... the TNA Knockouts Champion Awesome Kong?!?!?!?! What a twist!

The Konger licks her lips as we fade to black. Lance Storm and his big mouth...

Wow, I have no idea if this was a good show or not. But certainly highly interesting to say the least. I was entertained anyway. Neil's job is probably gonna suck though, since this clusterfuck culminates on his watch.

(Dino) Sendoff: Apologies for getting the recap in right around the deadline the past few weeks. It's been the best time for me lately... *Le sigh* Until our next, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and my Turkey Red cards still aren't here...






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