TONIGHT TNA comes
to you in HD! And speaking of nonsensical statements and
ideas, here is a video recap of last week's stuff,
including Eric Bischoff threatening Mick Foley with
firing Jeremy Borash and Chris Parks like he fired Bobby
Lashley and Mick Foley the first time, who were employed
long before Bischoff, whereas Bischoff would almost
20-30 seconds later go and tell Ric Flair he can't fire
him because he was hired before Bischoff and Hogan.
In completely uncustomary
TNA style, we open with WRASSLING!
8
Card Studd (wtf with that title)
Brutus Mangey vs The
One Billy Gu--- Mister Anderson
Neo wastes time with a
long-ass self introduction, including bringing up the
4-sided ring thing and saying if Hulk Hogan claims to be
the future or something, then it must be true or
something. So the match starts with Anderson punching
and such. Do you have any idea what time it is? It is
1:15 in the afternoon and people are trying to sleep,
it's way too early to be wrestling. You know, the
Anvil's Swagbag guymandudebro told me he NEVER did
play-by-play of the matches during his wrestling recaps.
That really stuck with me over the weeks, and I've been
wondering just how far I can plunge into that. I
actually went and looked at some of his old Smackdown
recaps. He was right, but damn they were painful and
hateful.
How could I possibly do the
same when I have such LOVE and RESPECT for TNA?! As
easily as simply talking about it.
WINNAR: Thomas Anderson
Oh that's right, I went
there. So time for an imaginary interview with the One.
Captain Halo: Mister
A---
Neo, still in ring: WINNER WINNER CHICKEN
DINNER... MIIISSSTUUUURRR... ANDERSON!!!
*he walks up
to the side of the ring where I wait looking totally
smoking hot because this is my fanta--- reality*
Neo:
.... Aaaaanduuuursooon...
By the way, that's EXACTLY
what he said in real life, so. Make what you will.
Speaking of real life, Mick
Foley arrives in a plain and rather old-looking sedan,
perhaps to sell that whole image of him being a plain
and simple man. Except he earlier said he drove a 2002
minivan, so what gives? Turns out he's just as
ass-spankingly rich as the rest of them, just that he
collects old average cars!
Random Commercial-area
Thoughts: T
Backstage, Kurt Angle being
interviewed by a redhead about his match with Tomko. He
doesn't care about Tomko because he is Angle. He then
claims Hulk Hooogan sent Scott Hall and Scott Waltman
against him to attack him from the backside last week.
We get a rundown of matches tonight, which leaves almost
absolutely no room open for wonder as to who will win.
AJ Styles vs The Pope? MIGHTY WHITEY SHALL PREVAIL.
Speaking of Mighty Whitey,
here comes Eric Bischoff into the ring looking all old
and smug and lying. He says Hogan made it clear he
should make upw ith Mick Foley whereas Mick Foley had no
interest in that. He says it's a decision that will
COST! YOU! DEEARLY! Mick Foley decides to come out then,
looking all Cactus Jacky, or as the Jappos would say
"Cocktoos Jacku"
Speaking of cocksuckers, it
looks like Sean Waltman is in the front row near the
ramp. Or someone dressed and looking just like him.
Mick Foley is like he's nice
and such and people want him to say things about people
like Marcus Bagwell, Paul Heyman, Jim Hellwig (the
Warriah, he clarifies), whereas Foley doesn't dislike
anybody, but he hates Eric Bischoff's stinky guts. The
rest of Bischoff, I assume is alright. He calls him a
slick little hustler, the polar opposite of everything
he is and everything he believes in. Foley gave
everything he believed in etcetera to get into TNA,
whereas Eric Bischoff came from the outside, a salesman,
the worst announcer of all time. The Taz humorously says
"I guess he never heard of Mike Adamle"
Foley can't stand Bischoff,
and Bischoff's like "This isn't about you and me, this
is about your decision" and his decision is exactly
about me and you and hey he loves working here and
showing up at the iMPACT! zone and loves being a part of
TNA but he's always prepared himself for worst case
scenario, so when he was 22 he saved every dime, and
when he was WWF Champion he slept in a cot, and he
drives a piece of crap minivan---not the one he drove in
with, apparently. He also wrote "JB" and "Abyss" on his
hand for some reason.
Foley's like the iMPACT!
Zone would shut down without Jay Bee, and the fact that
Bischoff doesn't know that shows just how little he
cares or something of that sort. Bischoff proceeds to
show that utter uncaringness by completely changing the
subject back to Foley not liking him and that since he's
not going to get on the same page with Bischoff.
Bischoff says they're both New York Times bestselling
authors, whereas Foley says what he wrote about Bischoff
in his NUMBER ONE New York Times bestselling book,
"Power should be limited to those who are not in love
with it" and implies that is what Bischoff is.
For some odd reason, he
brings up his wife and something about Bischoff having
his way with them or something. It was a bit disturbing.
Eric Bischoff then says those names on his hand... look
at them again! ALAKAZAM! They have changed! MINDFREAK!
Biscvhoff says the new Mick Foley chapter he's writing
will start tonight with Mick Foley vs Kevin Nash in a no
disqualification match. Bischoff then BREAKS THE FOURTH
WALL by mentioning something that happened in TNA a few
weeks ago where Foley ambushed Kevin Nash and beat him
up when the arena was empty. YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THE
PAST IN TNA, ERIC BISCHOFF! THAT'S HOW YOU LEARN FROM
YOUR MISTAKES---THAT IS A BIG OOPSYPANTS IN TNA!
Speaking of big idiots, here
be Chris Parks squealing and whining in terror at the
television backstage while a smug looking Jay Bee walks
up to him all serious-faced. Chris Parks asked him if
he's gonna be okay, and Jay Bee's like "Does it sound
like you're gonna be okay?" and says he's just here to
get his last check. Jay Bee's like he worked for
Bischoff ten years ago and nothing's changed, and when
you work for him, nothing's okay. Chris Parks freaks out
all like "OHMYGOD WHAT AM I GUNNA DO?!" and such.
And Eric Bischoff and Hulk
Hogan are supposed to be the faces or something?
Random Commercial-area
Thoughts: Coming to you soon in two years. Taylor
Lautner IS.... Stretch Armstrong. You WISH I was
joking.
PRE-mATCH COMMENTS with TNA
KNERKOUT CHAMPIN TARantula. She bitches about Angelina
Love the Heel making her life torture, and since the
coming of Angelina Love the Face, it's all changed and
they're friends and shti again. I hate that. I hope
you're ready for Angelina Love, because she's ready for
your ass.
TNA World Tag Team Chuampionshit Team 3ED vs
BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE Matt Morgan and Spic SIdekick
Hernandez
Was it really a month ago
that they won the championships? And I think this is
like the first or second time I've even seen them in the
ring. YAY FOR RUSSO'S 16 MINUTES OF WRESTLING WEEKLY!
Buh Buh starts with Hernando, with Fatboy pushing him
into the corner. They then lockup again, and HEADLOCK by
Bruther, but he gets tossed off, and they both have a
contest of the forearms that hilariously reminds me of
1:30 of this:
So yeah. Eventually Buh Buh
becomes the Little John, but the fight continues, with
fatboy sandwiching Hernandez. And after finishing that
sandwich, he catches Hernandez on the top rope to punch
at him, then throw him off. He drops an elbow and tries
pin gets 2. It forces Hernandez to kick out. Black fatty
is tagged in but Hernandez dominates for he is slightly
whiter. Matt Morganite comes in and BNruther Devon
punchies him up and gets irish whipped by BLUEPRINT OF
FAILURE who fails and gets clotheslined by the black
guy. BLACK POWER. Blueprint tornado Clotheslines him. It
looks better than it sounds. Hernandez now on top of the
black guy for some GANGLAND VIOLENCE! PRISON RAPE!
Somehow, SUPER SPIC turns it
around and tries to pin but gets 2. Now Devon on the top
rope and Hernando about to Superplex him but Devon
pretends to bite him and tosses him off, then goes and
flying headbutts his gut. The Taz compares his head with
a stop sign. Bruther Ray and Morgna now come in to
fight, Hernandez randomly comes in to get Samoan Dorpped
by him, then a double team neckbreaker thing by the
3Dicles on Morganite, and pin gets 2.
Super Mex tries to beat on
them, but htey double shoulderblock him down, then slam
him down their 2000-era wazzap thing, but OMFG the STD
Boys attack Devon from the turnbuckle, and Bruther Ray
stands there looking at them so Super Mex can attack,
but he reverses, trying a Rock Bottom, but gets tossed
into Morganite's Carbonite Footprint, and frozen stiff
for a 3 count.
WINNARS: Blueprint of Mexico
STDs ahoy as the Nasty Boys
rush in to beat on them, but OMFG Blueprint of Mexico
returns to save their opponents because they're just so
nice. Or they are Imperialists seeking to colonize the
Team 3D. Bruther Ray is suspect, and now so is Bruther
Devon, as the good guys try to be all friendly and such.
Random Commercial-area
Thoughts: It's too bad she won't live, but then again
who does?
To suddenly bring up the
realization that Team 3D used to be heel, here be JESSE
FAIL! And to bring up the realization that this man used
to be a main eventer not a few weeks ago, here be SAMOAN
JOSEPH!
Jesse Fail vs Samoa Joe w/ Hogan-era burial into
midcard
Jesse attacks him as soon as
he's half-way through the ropes, but he stops that shit
with an easy T-bone suplex as Jesse sends him running.
Now Joe killshits Jesse. A big-ass enzuigiri on his
shoulder or something. Jesse tries some weak punches but
Joe stops that shit, but now Jesse Fail grabs his face
and rakes it. Now he bashes on Joe's fat back, and runs
to forearm him, but Joe still stands. JOE STILL STANDS!
Now he gets on the top rope and Joe SHOOTS by casually
walking away as Jesse misses. That was the best fucking
thing I've seen all week.
Joe starts UNLOADING on his
face... with open-hand slaps. He then 300 pound knees
him in the turnbuckle, and gets him for a Musclebuster,
ONE HANDED, and boosh.
WINNAR: Yusufus of American
Samoa
Backstage, Hogan shows his
complete and utter disconnect with his own company by
saying he doesn't know what Angle said, so Christy tells
him. He's all like "Tell him to come to my office, I'm
really easy to find"
Random Commercial-area
Thoughts: So say we all. SO SAY WE ALL!
SOSAYWEALL!SOASATYATWEALL! SOAYTWEALL!@ GODDAMMIT,
SCREAM IT YOU BASTARDS.
TNA World Chapmosionship His Holy Darkness Pope
Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero vs AJ Styles
This starts with wrestling
and the like, with AJ putting the black man down against
the turnbuckle. And he's Southern. Make of that what you
won't. The Black guy quickly gets uppity with a dorp toe
hold and arm wrenching, but AJ exerts his superiority by
reversing that. Soon the black guy is back on the
offensive, dancing rudely like his kind do, then irish
whip him and back body dorps him. He then rolls out of
the ring, utterly dismayed that such a man would have
the daring to do such things.
When we've returned from
commercials, the white man has taken his proper place,
irish whipping the mud person and dropkicking him hard.
Mighty Whitey Ric Flair is pleased. AJ takes up the
lower man's lower body and lynches him on the bottom
rope. He slowly rises, but the white man shows his
PATERNALISM and helps a brother up. But soon he's on
top of him again, exerting his dominance and CROSSFACING
him and wrenching open his mouth to show his teeth so
the audience can actually see him. He proceeds to
strangle him again on the ropes like the black man is so
used to.
He then snap suplexes him,
and pins down on him to show his dominance but it gets
only one count. Mad at the audacity of this uppity
negro, he punches him up on him, then gets up to take
him up with him but the BLACK MAN takes control,
reverses the evil white boy's shit and pins to gets 2,
to show he's better than AJ and has a bigger penis.
MASTER STYLES gets back up and puts a chinlock on the
man, but his long black penis gets him to slowly rise to
his feet, and elbow AJ away, but AJ slams him down on
the MUDDY MUD
GROUND like the dog
he is. He kicks on him again, curbstomping him like so
many neo-Nazi Edward Nortons. He then aims for a huge
haymaker but the black man's superior eyesight causes
him to counter it.
The Pope's superior speed
has him beating on the white man and then Manhattan
Drops him, then jumps like all black men can and knees
him in the face. A pin gets 2, but don't fret Pope
Blackadictus! That's one count more than the white boy
ever got on you. MIGHTY WHITEY yells at the Pope from
ringisde, and AJ runs to superhero cut but Pope is
Pimpin' and Master Styles collapses onto the ropes. The
Pope tries to lynch him, but Master Styles moves and the
BOY ends up lynching himself on his legs. Master Styles
tries to Suplex, but the big sexy black man brings his
ass down into a rollup for three.
WINNAR: BLACK POWER
By the way, it was mentioned
JUST NOW that this match is nontitle. What arbitrary
silliness.
Mighty Whitey is displeased
and they start beating on the poor young boy, until
MONSTROUS SAVAGE comes down and saves him. Yusuf of
Samoa soon gets dominated because the Aryan Race is
superior. But then Pope Blackadictus summons his Holy
penis to beat on them and save the Samoan until securtiy
guards save them.
Random Commercial-area
Thoughts: If you thought that match play-by-play was in
any way racial or some sort of metaphor for
slavery-segregation-civil rights, then you're clearly
out of your mind or just a racist trying to seem
not-racist and yet sees racism in anything and
everything involving blacks and whites. It was just a
wrestling match, you ass-fucking God-hating queer
faggots.
Returning now where security
is still holding back the jungleniggers because they're
too stupid to calm down, so Ric Flair wonders if they
wanna die and offers to lynch them. Joe gets a
microphone, and after deciding it cannot be eaten, he
says "Shut your mouth before I stomp the Nature out of
your ass" and calls AJ an unrepentant scumbag. He says
AJ used to be all these good things, but then gave it up
for Ric Flair's overpriced suit and wholesale hookers.
That's why at Against All Nods, he's cashing in his
Money int he Bank FEAST OR FIRED ! briefcase. REMEMBER
THAT? TNA ALMOST FORGOT UNTIL SAMOA JOE CAME IN WITH IT
ONE DAY!
He then says that he and
Pope should give thema preview of the inevitable, so
Pope punches security then they go and try to attack the
white men.
BACKSTAGE it's girl on girl
nonviolence as Christy Hemme intarviews Angelina Love
where she says a bunch of stuff involving being awesome
at revenge.
JUST TO REMIND YOU that he
still exists, here is Eric Young in Kevin Nash's
lockerroom. Then to remind you how GREAT OF AN IDEA it
was to brign in Eric Bischoff, he has no idea who he is,
is introduced to him, sends him away, then remarks
"There's a name I'm not going to remember in the
morning"
Remember that time Paul
London and Brian Kendrick won the tag team championships
in a house show in Africa in 2007 and they made a huge
fucking deal out of it in the beginning of the next
week's Smackdown? And remember how Big Roid Terry won
the Leges championship from Eric Young in a house show
in Britain and we've heard buttfuck nothing of it as of
yet, despite Eric Young being on screen without it?
Yeah, neither does TNA. Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
William Shatner singing WWE superstars' entrance music
is the best thing in music in years. And I'm shokced
that Disco Burge, Asshole, was approving of it!
Backstage is Mick Foley
being interviewed by Christy Hemme. Fifty bucks says
Chris Parks or Jay Bee will intrude. Mick Foley is
reminded of the business with the two, and how he's not
really ready for wrestling but he's ready for no
disqualification garbage "wrestling" and such. Fifty
bucks is mine as Chris Parks barrels in squealing and
whimpering, but Mick Foley reassures him and makes him
laugh and such. He says that he needs to do him a favor
to not interfere in the match no matter what. PROMISE
HIM, CHRIS PARKS! He eventually does and wanders off
like a child, making Christy Hemme laugh.
THE MONSTER ABYSS, WHO PUT
ON NOT ONLY A GREAT BUT A HIGHLY INNOVATIVE MATCH WITH
AJ STYLES AT TNA LOCKDOWN 2005, IS REDUCED TO BEING THE
BIG LOVEABLE GOOF THAT MAKES GIRLS GIGGLE BUT THAT WON'T
SLEEP WITH HIM.
But enough of that funny
shtuff, we need to get Kurt Angle up to a threeway match
at Against All Brotherhood of Nod with AJ and Samoa!
8
Card Stuff
Kurt Angle vs Tyson Tomko
Angle makes him tap tap tap
out.
WINNAR: Kurt Angle
Thoughts: WHAT A FANTASTIC
FIVE MINUTE MATCH THAT WAS! AND TOO BAD YOU DIDN'T GET
TO PRETEND TO READ ABOUT ANY OF IT!
Random Commercial-area
Thoughts: The US President, in his own words:
Another video recap of Hogan
before joining TNA in 2010. Then recapping Mick Foley's
horrors with Kevin Nash mocking Foley and arranging a
meeting with him and THE HULK... LOU FERRIGNO!
Culminating in Kevin Nash getting shitkicked by Mick
Foley. And somehow Mick Foley is to blame for this? Then
stemming to Foley claiming he'll never work for Eric
Bischoff.
Then Kevin Nash shows up in
Hulk Hogan's office live, and is all like Eric gave him
The Rundown (Starring The Rock) on Mick Foley and begs
Hogan to give X-Pac and Scott Hall another chance and
contract because Eric Bischoff said no. Hogan claims
they're acting up like he's never seen before. So
obviously he's never seen "One Night in China"
Now we get a video recap of
the Horrible People excising Angelina Love and such.
TNA Knockouts Championship
Angelina Love vs
Tarantula
Angelina looks like a high
class porn star. You know I heard that typically in the
realm of pornography and adult entertainment of the
sort, the prettier a girl is, the less hardcore stuff
she actually has to do. As such, I really hold a high
deal of respect and gratitude for a gorgeous young woman
who can get away with just topless or nude modeling
going all-out with oral, vaginal, anal penetration, and
being cummed on and in.
I even have great
appreciation for people like Veronica Zemanova, who does
nothing more than nude modeling and occasional
very-softcore girl on girl stuff, who goes and does one
video where she has a guy finger her, then gives him a
handjob and titfucks him. She doesn't need to, she's
already quite famous and apparently well-off in just
nude modeling.
But still, she cockteases.
It's also a shame that some of the hardest hardcore
girls in pornography are gorgeous in comparison to the
"famous" and "popular" ones like... Jasmine St. Clair.
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THAT THING?!?!?!?!
But looking down her
wikipedia entry, it shows she was involved with ECW. So
you can safely say that while ECW did little monetary
favors to wrestlers and porn stars, it made them fucking
famous. Thank you, Paul Heyman, for your good deeds may
yet contribute to making you NOT a complete monster with
that 8 million dollar debt ECW went under with.
WINNAR: TARA
After match, Tara shakes
Angelina's hand, though Angelina looks about to cry. And
as expected, The Horrible People rush in to beat on her.
Hilariously, Tara is side-long facing them and pretends
not to see them. Then, she turns and STARES at them for
a good five or six seconds before reacting and saving
the hooker. Velvet Sky is in a familiar position now, on
hands and knees between Tara and Angelina, but she
manages to flee.
Speaking of fleas, it's
Scott Hall and X-Pac outside, apparently trying to sneak
in to the arena. With the cameraguy on them.
Random Commercial-area
Thoughts: And he piled upon the whale's white hump, the
sum of all the rage and hate felt by his whole race. If
his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his
heart upon it.
Kurt Angle finally finds
Hulk Hogan's office, because clearly it has been moving
all night. He yells at Hogan the stuff involving the nWo
and Hogan says he fired them for being thugs, and Angle
has CONSPIRACY THEORIES in his head thinking he hired
them back secretly just to beat up on Angle and stuff,
then says Angle's temper is blowing him opportunities.
Angle says he doesn't trust him as far as he can throw
him---because he's break his hip if he got thrown, and
sue Angle.
Angle says some stuff about
hearing the horror stories about people dealing with
Hulk Hogan. Like Mark Madden! The Rush Limbaugh of
wrestling? Hogan then tells him to get out and Angle
slams his hands on the desk and leaves.
Mick Foley vs Kevin Nash
Nash comes in pushing a
shopping cart full of WEAPORNS to use, because. It
starts with him using a trash can to block Foley's
barbed wire bat strikes. Then he gets a steel chair to
use as a shield. Then he grabs a hockey stick to trip up
Foley. Then he grabs the barbed wire bat and tries to
put it in his face but Foley holds onto it and drops it
after knocking him in the noots. Considering this is No
disqualification and Foley can't wrestle because he's
old and broken, why not just kick Nash repeatedly in the
crotch? This realization is followed up immediately by
Taz saying "This is no disqualification, you gotta do
whatever you gotta do to maim and destroy your opponent"
So instead Foley gets a
picture to use against Nash, but then hesitates because
it's his ugly-looking caricature of Mick Foley and Chris
Parks, so Nash just pins him.
WINNAR: Kevin Nashicles
The nWo then comes out into
the ring... and start beating up Kevin Nash, who for
some unknown reason is still holding Foley's picture.
The Taz really puts this in perspective, saying "Nash
has been going to bat for them with Hogan and Bischoff"
and they just... randomly beat the shit out of him. This
is a great way to not only ensure you never get hired by
TNA again, but get arrested for assault and trespassing,
then put in a GRUDGE MATCH IN AN ELECTRIFIED REVERSE
STEEL CAGE MATCH HANDICAPPED MATCH with Nash vs them
two.
Book it, Russo.
Uppers: Samoan Joseph returns from Hogan
hell to be useful and not an idiot. TNA remembers people
still have Money in the Banks. More wrestling, I guess
(though that would be a DOWNER for me)
Downers: Everything else, unless otherwise
stated.
TNA "Creative" Award for "Creativity":
TNA'S VERSION OF A "HELL IN A CELL" AND/OR "ELIMINATION
CHAMBER" MATCH... ENDS IN A FUCKING DISQUALIFICATION!?
Bonus "Creative" Award for the most "Special"
Writing Team in Wrestling Today: Eric Bischoff
and Hulk Hogan cannot fire Ric Flair because he was
hired before Hogan and Bischoff were. They then proceed
to fire Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley, both of whom were
hired before Hogan and Bischoff were.
A round of very special
applause for the very special writing team. Keep sharp
objects away from them.
You've just been Halonic
Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back
within two or three weeks, consider me dead.
Feedback if you want:
phenomynouss@hotmail.com
