First, I want to talk
about Glenn Beck and his political rally happening on
the today and such. It's gay.
Speaking of gay, and with a
hell of a lot less class and style, here be time for TNA
iMPACT!
Video package for the
reformation of THE FOUR HORSEMEN! So big and bad this
time around, there's seven of them. Wot.
Already I made a reflexive
sigh. I couldn't help it, but I just realized over the
past week, that whole bit with the ECW GUISE all like
"we're under contract now, but we're such big men we
won't attack you because Dixie told us not to", and then
at the end of the night they just fuck that shit up and
go and attack them anyway?
I think it was mentioned in
The Death of WCW or something of the sort where Vince
Russo would book his heels to be like smarks or to
resemble smarky comments and the like. That certainly
seems to apply here where the invading horde of
over-the-hill wrestlers who can barely do shit but
garbage wrestle and bleed have come to siphon paychecks
while the TNA stars in FORTUNE are booked to be the
heels because they mostly all fought and bled and
suffered financially and physically for the company only
to have these ECW rejects who mostly couldn't make it
anywhere else come and get top billing in TNA and EVEN
HAVE AN ENTIRE PAY PER VIEW DEVOTED SOLELY TO THEM!
So of course it's OBVIOUS
that they are the bad guys! Fuck them and their greedy
desires to eat their own cake they baked themselves
rather than have to share it with a bunch of drunk,
potsmoking freeloaders your empty-headed landlady
invited over to your house.
Also, I only got the
opportunity to wonder this when reading it in a column:
What is the storyline
involving Sting, Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan, and Jeff
Jarrett? Literally, what is it? Is there some story
holding it together? Also my own questioning: What
happened to Sting talking about SMOKE AND MIRRORS and
CONSPIRACY and THEM OUT TO GET HIM? Did they just cut n
paste that onto Abyss and no one noticed/cared because
it was stupid and blatantly a dead end anyway?
Speaking of blatant and
stupid, backstage is Eric Bischoff whining to Dixie
Carter, not wanting her to go out there to get MORE TV
TIEM FOAR MARKITUDE! But oh no, bitch, she be coming out
anyway. She wants to be a TV staar, complete with
asinine pop music for her entrance. She gets on the
microphone and shills her own awesomeness in TNA and how
their success came through hard times, they become
stronger and become a FAMILY! She then gives us the
entirety of the "TNA Year 1" DVD on free TV in the form
of the phrase "The critics gave us 8 weeks, we lasted 8
years and succeeded" etcetera. The DVD is literally just
that, over and over, spoken by virtually everyone the
DVD interviewed.
So she calls out Ric Flair
so she can be gimmick-ly put in her place. He comes out,
and has So Cal Val open the rings for him, because he's
Ric Flair or something. Dixie no-sells his awesomeness,
which is BULLFUCK! She no-sells his sexual harassment
too as he circles her and looks at her ass, and he says
"You are drop-dead gorgeous, almost to the point of
being sultry." Sounds to me like she wrote these lines,
as Ric says they should go back to the hotel and resolve
this like adults. She then no-sells his sexual
harassment all like "when you came to TNA I was so
proud, I was so excited" and says how he said he was
gonna mentor the young guys and be a lockerroom leader.
And she says he has failed miserably.
HUH!??!?!? HUH!?? !HUH!!?!?!
HJ!UH!>!HUH!?!!?#HU!H!?
ARE WE WATCHING THE SAME
FUCKING PROGRAM?! WHO IS THE GUY MENTORING THE YOUNG TNA
GUYS (RELATIVELY YOUNG) AND WHO IS THE RETARD HIRING A
BUNCH OF OLD NOBODIES AND SETTING THEM LOOSE ON THE
YOUNG TNA GUYS'S THROATS?!
Fuck this shit. I'm taking a
Cameron Burge. Good night, everyone! At least until I
drink some. I have a headache. My back hurts. I'm on my
period. I'm having a baby. I need a blowjob. Pick one.
Anyway, Dixie suspends Ric
Flair, but not FOURTUNE, but Ric Flair says that Flair
and Fortune are one and the same, and brings out the
FOURTUNE guys who are seven in number, and says THIS IS
TNA. I actually have to agree; these seven happen to
make up like HALF of the active TNA roster who aren't
ECW guys or former WWE superstars.
Dixie then says each one of
them were with her long before Ric Flair came here.
Irrelevant; we were Britons long before we were
Americans. That doesn't mean we'll quake and bow down
like sycophants to the Queen today. The only Queen we
worship is Freddie Mercury. Dixie said something about
Ric Flair watching from the sidelines and he freaked out
and now is all like "NAO I'M gunna show you what naitch
is all about"
Some random guy runs in to
be beaten down, and The Taz points out this is Dixie's
husband. It's a Christmas miracle! Family fun! The
McMahons you ain't. Before Ric can start whipping him,
Hulk Hogan comes out with a few faces, and says to Flair
to tell his boys to let him go or Hogan will put a size
15 under a tree, I guess. Sun doesn't shine under a
tree, after all. Be more vague, pl0x?
Hogan comes into the ring
and the heels all back off before his radioactivity, and
Hogan's like the smartest thing for them to do is to
listen right now, bruther. When he started in TNA, he
made a deal with Dixie Carter, bruther; he totally
fucking swindled her, by saying they were gonna run the
company 50/50.
And since she was that
stupid, Hogan overrides her decision and unsuspends Ric
Flair. This is apparently because Ric Flair pissed off
Hulk Hogan. So Hogan responds by unsuspending him. Hogan
then points to his four faces, ALL OF WHICH ARE FORMER
WWE GUYS, and says THIS is TNA. AND FLAIR AND FORTUNE IS
SUPPOSED TO BE THE HEELS? He says they're gonna TAKE THE
COMPANY OVER.
REALLY. THE TNA GUYS ARE
GONNA TAKE TNA OVER FROM KURT ANGLE, ELIJAH BURKE,
MISTER KENNEDY, AND JEFF HARDY?
Hogan says why not pick FOUR
guys from his FOURTUNE remake of the FOUR HORSEMEN to
face Hogan's four. As the Four Horsemen leave, EV2.0
attacks from behind, because what they said last week
totally didn't count.
After commercials, Kurt
Angle talks about the TNA World title with the other
three guys. He then says tonight it's gonna be about
something bigger; TNA and such. Somehow Dixie Carter
lost the "keys" to her company and they're gonna get it
back.
What in the shit is this
now? Anyway, a match;
Orlando Jordan w/ Samoa Joe action
figure to rub against his tits vs Samoa
Joe
Samoa Joe makes his entrance
while Orlando is dryhumping So Cal Val and using the
Samoa Joe action figure to rub against her cunt. At this
point I wonder, why am I watching this show? Samoa Joe
beats up on Orlando Jordan with his usual offense of
punchy and kicks. He then irish whips and fats into him,
then kicks him in the head. He then grabs Jordan's hair
as he staggers back, and chinlocks him. He gets backed
into a corner and Orlando grinds his butt into Joe's
cock, and Joe shoves him off with the rich stink of
homophobia. Orlando ambushes him and beat shim against
the ropes, then irish whips and bounces him down with
like a chest stoppage thing.
He then picks up Joe and
punches him. Wow. Wrestling, right? Orlando Jordan pulls
a glove off and gets up on the turnbuckle with Joe. He
punches him some, then grabs his Samoa Joe action figure
and pretend to suck its dick, prompting an audible sound
of disgust from a handful of people and such. Joe reacts
by slamming him down and dominating him a bunch. Then he
puts him in a Musclebuster.
WINNAR: Samoa Joe
For no reason, here comes
Jeff Jarrett. Then commercials. When we return, Jarrett
says eeyuts been fahv yeurs since he joined TNA and he
always knew he wanted Josephus to be a part of TNA when
he was in the independent stuff. He says he's come a
long way in five years *snort* but a bunch of stuff
later, he essentially wants Samoa Joe in his "corner"
when he wrassles Kevin Nash tonight. He then says Joe
knows what Sting and Kevin Nash are all about, and
they're somehow trying to tear down what Jeff Jarrett
and others built up.
He then says they're trying
to rip the fans out of TNA, as he says heart and soul,
and says the fans are the heart and soul, so... what? He
says Joe knows they're pissed off they're not the top
dogs anymore. And they've been doing nothing about it.
So what in the shit is this? He tells Joe he wants him
to kill Sting if he shows his ugly out here tonight. His
own words "shows his ugly out here tonight".
Samoa Joe says he don't
choose sides because he don't have to. He only know how
to play for one team; his own. Remember that whole
Nation of Violence thing? Remember how it's been
completely and utterly abandoned? Kevin Nash's music
randomly hits, and apparently the "match" is up now.
Jeff Jarrett vs Kevin Nash
Nash tries to bring a steel
chair in but Jarrett steps on it when Nash puts it on
the apron. Nash takes him down and irish whips him into
the metal barricade and over the edge. He then slams
Jarrett's face on the apron and then on the steel steps.
Jarrett then gets rolled into the ring for Nash to punch
down. Then punch him down again. He then does his
slow-motion lazy-ass "I don't give a shit" type moves on
Jarrett against the turnbuckle. He then picks up the
steel chair, drops it so the referee can pick it up and
yell and complain. Nash then pulls the turnbuckle
padding off one of the turnbuckles, while the referee
looks away.
In what way would that even
fucking matter if he's gonna see it's been exposed when
Nash actually uses it? Fuck's sake. Jarrett ends up
shoving Nash's guts into it. He then gets on the top
turnbuckle to double axe handle him down, then gets on
another turnbuckle to do it again, but gets caught into
Nash's chokeslam position and slam him. Pin gets 2.
Clothesline misses, and Jarrett floats around Nash to
jump on his back and sleeper hold him. Nash rams Jarrett
into the referee, into the turnbuckle THAT WAS EXPOSED
BY NASH HURRDURRR! Jarrett slams Nash's face into the
EXPOSED METAL and Strokes him off. Pins despite there
being no referee, so Sting runs in with nWo Wolfpac
makeup and beats up Jarrett with the baseball bat. He
then slowly exits as the referee regains himself.
The referee definitely
would've seen him in his peripheral vision. Nash
pinwins. Mike Tenay repeats the thoughts of all of us:
What the hell is going on here? WINNAR: Kevin Nash
Hulk Hogan's music hits and
Sting chokes Jarrett with his bat as a hostage. Eric
Bischoff comes out instead, and is like "Really, Sting?
Really? In front of millions of people around the world"
and I laugh uproariously. He wishes they had millions of
people watching. There probably ain't even MILLIONS of
people who know TNA exists. Sting shows himself to be
pond scum, somehow. What in the fuck is this storyline
about? He's all like 'wut?' cos Sting says he wants
Hogan, and Bischoff's like is that what you really want.
Bischoff talks trash on Sting, which blatantly leads up
to Hogan being behind him with a steel chair to lightly
tap Sting on the back with it. He then takes the bat and
poses. Commercials.
When we come back, Hogan is
backstage talking to Tommy Dreamer, tells him to back
off for one night in this eight man tag team match
tonight. He then says Abyss needs his legs cut off. He
tells Tommy to put him on a table and hack his legs off.
Jesus Christ, this is wrestling?
Beer Money vs Don't even know
who
Whoever these people are,
they don't even get a jobber-nonentrance. Beer Money
just enters, runs in, and beats up on two random people
I have no fucking idea who they are. Maybe they're the
FBI of the ECW Guise. Who cares. I don't.
WINNAR: Beer Money
I found out during the match
it was the FBI. Yeah, fuck them, says TNA. THey only
just brought them in to be ECW 2.0 guise. After the
match, they smash a beer bottle in the face of Little
Guido, and then start to killshit the other guy. He
can't possibly be Tony Mamaluke, but he might be.
After commercials, Tommy
Dreamer bitches to Mick Foley and the other guys about
what was done to the FBI. Tommy Dreamer says they need
to sever Abyss's head and place it on a stick, and
DOCTOR STEVIE screams incoherently about all "you got
it" without ever specifying that it'd be him to do it.
The Beautiful People
(Angelina Love and Velvet Sky) come out. Apparently
trhis being billed as the ORIGINAL stuff reunited stuff.
Angelina gets on the microphone all like she really felt
like something was missing when they went thewir
separate ways and how they were always friends,
completely shitting on the months worth of storylines
that preceded this, in typical TNA style. Angelina is
like she knwos she's not always a PERFECT LITTLE ANGEL
HURDURRRR ARF ARF ARF HRRUDY BRURURURURUR
So forgive and forget and
both move on with their lives and such. Completely
shitting on months worth of storylines. Velvet further
shits on it by saying there's no use rehashing the past
especially with that MONSTER they created, Madison
Rayne...
... the MONSTER they created
by humiliating, beating, and mistreating her like a
slave girl.
The Horrible People's music
plays again and this time it's Madison Rayne and the
MoTARAcyclist woman. She takes off her helmet but leaves
on the ski mask... she also has black makeup around her
eyes like Batman. And huge cleavage. Madison Rayne
threatens to sue them for coming out to HER song and
referring to themselves as the Beautiful People. She
don't know if the botox has infected her brain, but it
was THEM who brought Madison into TNA because they
needed youth, beauty, and class. Looking at Angelina
Love, who looks like she's pushing 40, I have to agree.
She calls Velvet Sky her own
little bitch, and Mike Tenay has the FUCKING AUDACITY to
say that's a little REVISIONIST HISTORY from Madison
Rayne. Fuck you, Mike Tenay. The Beautiful People beat
on The Beautiful People until security breaks them up.
Backstage, Motor City gunnaz
talk about getting a free copy of the newest Rock Band,
and how they're champions and win and such, and tonight
is a tag team match against Generation Who? and their
bad haircuts. Chris Sabin doesn't even care that their
match is next. They play a Green Day song, then
commercials.
Earlier today, a hobo who
kind of looks like Brutus Mangey arrives at some hotel
or something, with Desmond Fail failing at realizing
Chelsea loathes him, and such. He insults her
constantly, including a line stolen from Futurama
complaining when Chelsea wants to stop to eat, saying
she ate yesterday. They're just wandering around, while
Chelsea steals their credit card.
TNA Tag Team
Championships
THOSE GUYS vs Motor City Machine Guns
(C)
The gunnaz didn't give a
shit. Why should I?
WINNAR: Motor City Machine
Guns
It was a lot closer match
than a squash, but it was nevertheless a squash.
Backstage, and after a commmercial, Ric Flair squeals
and screams incoherently about Hogan and the match and
stuff later tonight, yelling at nothing. From behind,
Sting arbitrarily chokes him with a bat, and once they
get rid of THE BIG PROBLEM around here, they're coming
for Flair.
What?
Rundown of matches at TNA No
Surrendar, then BUHDUHB DUB, DO YOU HEAR THAT? LETS GO
BACKSTAGE WHERE NOT-DOCTOR STEVIE RICHARDS is beating on
Abyss. He's taking his fucking time in dismembering and
murdering Abyss, just punching and throwing him around.
This allows for Abyss to reverse an irish whip into
garbage cans, and then stomp on him. He's all like YOU
WANNA JOIN YOUR BUDDY RVD? and Stevie says SCREW YOU!
Yeah who wants to be taken off TV because it's gotten
close to the max 60 appearances per year before he needs
to be paid $10,000 per event after those 60 and TNA
spent that money on Hulk Hogan and bullshit?
Damn, this backstage brawl
is really lasting a long-ass time, and it's not getting
any more interesting, compelling, or violent.
Commercials later, Rhino
appears in the ring all like YOU WANNA FIGHT SOMEONE
ABYSS FIGHT ME NOW! I bet he's still brawling with
Stevie, oh wait no he's coming out to the ring with
Janice. Abyss easily crushes his fat ass in brawling at
ringside. He then takes him to the Spanish announcer's
table, where Rhino begins to fight back a bit, but Abyss
counters him and they trade punches, and Rhino makes
like to Gore Abyss and then Gores him. Out of nowhere,
he starts limping. Abyss lays beaten.
Backstage, AJ Styles tells
the truth, saying TNA is the house AJ built, not EX-WWE
guys, and especially not Jeff Hardy who hasn't been here
long enough to build anything. He's barely been around
long enough to sober up.
"Fortune" w/ horrible rap version of Ric
Flair's genericized music vs "WWE Reject
Invaders"
He then goes to the other
turnbuckle and runs in to do his floatover elbowdrop
thing, and pin gets 2. He then gets to the top rope to
do a flying punch thing but runs into Morgan's hand to
be choked upon, but he gets out to run, only to run into
Morganite's discus clothesline. The Pope gets put
against the turnbuckle now and Morganite puts his boot
against him. He then removes his elbow pads to do his
elbow thingy from behind. He then runs at Pope to hug
him against the turnbuckle. When he rebounds, he grabs
His Holy Darkness to grab and let go in a lazy
sideslam/drop thing.
He crawls to the corner to
hoist himself up, and Morgan irish whips him, and runs
at him but gets booted away. He then tries again to get
booted again! Pope gets to the top rope and flies over
Morgan's head and tries a SUnset Flip, but Morgan stays
upright and picks him up by his neck and slams him down.
Morgan rolls him over to shout some racist things at
him, then smack his face around like a racist. This only
angries up the blood of the negrow, and he gets up to
beat on Morgan, but Morgan WHITES UP and beats Pope
down, putting him on the top rope to do his slide otu of
the ring thing on him.
Ric Flair beats on Lethal so
hard, his tanktop comes off somehow. Lethal rolls under
the ring as Ric Flair brings in a trashcan and kendu
stick. Lethal then comes up and springboard kicks Flair.
He then beats him out of his jacket, and pulls his shirt
up to knife-edge chop him. He then tosses Flair's shirt
into the crowd. More chops on Flair, and an irish whip
on him into a back body drop. He then gets the kendru
stick and hits Flair in the head with it. HARDBORE
JUSTICE PIMPING and Ric Flair blades.
Lethal gets on the
turnbuckle with Flair leaning against it and punches him
up. Flair then sells(?) this by blindly punching around
and posing, then keeling over. Ric Flair matches are
before my time, so I figure this is normal. He then hits
Flair with a trash can lid and Flair stands there, then
suddenly keels forward. Flair then tears Ric Flair's
pants off to bear some awesome underpants. He then
steals Flair's belt to whip him with, cuz shit, Flair's
darker than him.
Lethal snatches up his torn
pants an tosses them into the crowd. He then removes one
shoe and one sock and tosses them away. By the way, Doug
Williams randomly appeared at ringside to stare. Lethal
smacks Flair with a trash can, and Flair keels over
again. He then somehow gets up and gets onto the
turnbuckle so Lethal can smack him with a cookie sheet.
He climbs up top and tries foar a Suparplex, and hits
it.
Pope pins for the win and
Kurt Angle is pissed. Enough to start a fight that
causes the Fortune to fight back.
WINNAR: WWE REJECTS
EV2.0 comes out to beat up
on Fortune. They continue brawling as the show ends.
TNA YAY: ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING! This show had NO redeeming features whatsoever,
and put me one step closer to retirement.
TNA BOO: Technically, what
I said above.
TNA
WTF: You win, TNA. You are more insane in the
head than I. YOu've knocked me sane.
But still...
Watch my show or I will find
your negroin neck
When I raise my trigga finga all ya
fuckaz hit the deck
My hits don't hurt like my near
misses
I'm the one like Halo and I'm wrestlicious
Feedback if you want:
phenomynouss@hotmail.com
