Hey there, kids! I’ve
got a question for you all: What do a James Walker
TWF column and having to put up with a bitchy
woman who refuses to give you sex for a week have
in common?
Answer: It must be that
time of the
month!
Follow up question:
What do a James Walker TWF column and a woman
going through that time of the month have in
common?
Answer: I do them both
in the nude!
Anywho, welcome to the
“Thanksgiving Classic”, Survivor Series! Or, as we
here in Canada
like to call it,
“That-Shitty-Time-Of-Year-Where-We’re-Not-Eating-Turkey-And
Freezing-Our-Asses-Off Classic.” Get ready for an
action-packed night, full of 2 minute climaxes,
frustrating results, and a little more blood than
you’d like to see! But enough about my sex life,
let’s get to the action!
Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, Ron Simmons, and
Sgt. Slaughter w/Arn Anderson w/o Steve Austin
Pissing on Him VS Kenny, Johnny, Mikey, and Nicky
w/Mitch w/o Any Character
What-So-Ever
Fact: Instead of Steve
Austin, Ron Simmons was supposed to star in the
next WWE Film, titled “The ConDAMNed”. However,
Ron backed out when he got an offer to star in the
new Michael Flatley bio-pic, RiverDAMNce, and the
WWE refused alter their stanDAMNized salary for
film stars, on the advice of Michael Hayes, the
lead writer for SmackDAMN. The script was then
changed to allow Matt Striker to appear, helping
the lead study for his high-school equivalency
exDAMN, but it’ll now appear as part of the DVDAMN
extras. Steve Austin was cast as the lead, and
shooting will begin after he gets back from his
vacation in DAMNmark.
Alright, so before I could finish
that paragraph, Ron was counted out… because of
all the people on the roster, RON SIMMONS needs to
be protected. Anywho, Mitch gets tossed because he
interferes too much, and Arn gets tossed because,
umm, he’s still upset about that time when the
Horsemen turned on Sting? Or the 14 other times? I
dunno. Anywho, Johnny eliminates Sarge, and
Iraq
sympathizes with him, because
a different male
cheerleader is trying to eliminate them.
Dusty comes in and
cleans house (Judging by the size of Dusty, I’d
assume there was many-a-empty KFC buckets to
discard, so it was quite the ordeal), but Kenny
rolls him up. Ha ha, ROLLS! Get it? Cause he’s
FAT! FAT LIKE
TUESDAY!
Anywho, it’s left to
Flair VS Mikey, Kenny, and Johnny. Oops, Mikey
just got rolled up. Ok, now it’s Flair VS Ke- damn
it, Kenny just got rolled up too. Fine then! It’s
Flair VS J- FUCK OFF, JOHNNY JUST TAPPED TO THE
FIGURE 4.
Winners: Ric Flair
(sole survivor), Dusty Rhodes, Sgt. Slaughter, and
Ron
Simmons.
After the match, The
Spirit Squad attack Flair, and Kenny hits the leg
drop. You know, you could probably insert that
last line into any Raw recap for the last two
months, and no one would bat an eye.
PS:
Chavo “Nephew of Eddie
Guerrero” Guerrero, w/Vickie “Widow of Eddie
Guerrero” Guerrero VS Chris “Best Friend of Eddie
Guerrero” Benoit, w/o Eddie Guerrero, Eddie
Guerrero Memorial
Title
Alright, I’m gonna try
something a little different here. See, with most
Benoit matches I recap, I toss in about 5-20 “not
this”, after something like an arm wrench, (not
this), but due to the
complaints I’ve received (all from Sean, who
complains about the insane amount of links he has
to format), I’m not going to do it tonight.
Speaking of things I’m not going to do tonight…
sigh.
And yes, I actually
wrote that entire paragraph to set up for that
self-depricating humour. You see, it’s clever,
because now you’re all like “ha ha, he made fun
about his lack of sex, therefore he is cool and
probably gets TONS!” Bwahaha, you kids are so
gullible.
Y’know… as much as I
enjoy watching him wrestle, I HATE recapping Chris
Benoit matches. Seriously, it’s so fucking hard to
make it funny. I mean, there’s only so many times
I can be like “LOL HERES A PIC WITH A HEAD THAT
LOOKS LIKE A BUTT” until even I get bored.
However, until that day
comes…
Oh, yes, wrestling.
Benoit outclasses Chavo on the mat, but Chavo
out-cheats him, with the aid of Vickie. Benoit
proves his toughness by kicking out of the frog
splash, but when Chavo actually wins a mat battle
win Benoit by kicking him off the sharpshooter, it
goes awry and Benoit knocks Vickie off the apron.
Chavo then falls victim to the cross-face, and
submits.
Winner, and still
United
States Champion:
Eddie Guer… Chris
Benoit
See what I did there? I
really had nothing funny to say about the actual
match, so I just talked about myself and how I
couldn’t think of anything funny, and you accepted
it. You’re such a
loser!
Backstage, Todd chats
it up with Lita and Edge. Lita is all like “YA IM
GUNNA WIN THEN RETIRE K?” and Todd is all like “O
RLY?” and Edge is all like “LOL YA RLY LOCAL
SPORTS TEAM JOKE” and Lita is all like “LOL EDGE
IS FUNNIER THAN ME” and Todd is all like “LOL IM
USELESS” and then Cryme Tyme is all like “LOL WE
BE STEALIN SHIT” I’m like “LOL WHY THE FUCK AM I
TYPING LIKE
THIS”
Lita VS Mickie James, Women’s
Title
Despite the fact that
this PPV already has one, I would have really like
to have seen this match be a first blood match.
Hey, they could just sit on a TV camera for a
month and see what happens. And frankly, I’d
rather pay $40 for that. But I
digress.
I’m going to miss
having Lita around. I’m going to have to find
someone to fill the void she’s leaving – funny,
considering normally she’s finding other people to
fill her void! But honestly, is there any girl in
wrestling who’s entertained as many people as
Lita? And I’m not even talking about in the
wrestling ring! I kid, I kid. Seriously though,
Lita, you’re one stand up gal. Or lying down. Oh,
come on, it’s her last match. I’m allowed to give
it to her as hard as this, because – ah shit,
already gave away my punch
line.
Question for all you
fellas out there. Have you noticed that when your
female counterpart decides to, how shall I say,
let her hand do the talking, that it never feels
quite the same as when you do it? As in, it
actually feels a little shittier? Well, I think
this can be explained with wrestling. See, you
watch women strike each other, and it TOTALLY
doesn’t look legit in the slightest, and it comes
across as obscenely awkward, as there’s very
little rhythm to it. However, when men do it,
it’s- oh, shit. I just realized I was about to
make the gayest comment I probably ever could. And
you probably all saw where I was going with it. ..
shit. Umm… I LOVE
VAGINA!!!!
But anyways… it’s
women’s wrestling. Lita does a knee drop, and I
draw parallels to the bedroom. She chokes Mickie,
and I wonder if “Mickie” is code for “Chicken”.
Y’know, the standard stuff. Lita lands the
moonsault, but Mickie summons the power of
soft-core porn, and kicks out! Pinning reversals
get 2 counts, but then Mickie lands the Leaping
DDT for the 3 count.
SHOCK!
Winner and NEW WWE
Women’s Champion: Mickie
James
How bout that – Lita
does the job, and ends up on her back on her way
out. Like any good woman would
do.
After the match, Cryme
Tyme shows up and starts selling off Lita’s crap,
fresh off of Fishman’s chest! They sell off some
stolen Monistat, Panties, and a vibrator. Geez,
you’d think this show was from the Superdome. They
also sell Lita’s “BIG BOX”, as I wonder where the
hell their fur hats are. As Lita’s final segment
comes to a close, I swear I saw a tear run down
her cheek… oh wait, that wasn’t a
tear.
In a pre-taped
interview, Michael Cole asks Batista questions,
and Batista.. stares.. into the void… OH I GET IT,
HE’S FOCUSED. I wonder if that’d work all the
time.
Regis Philbin: Alright
James… for one million dollars, how did the
imfamous “Red Square” in Moscow get it’s name?
James:
*glare*
Regis Philbin: I’m
going to need an answer,
James.
James:
*glare*
Regis Philbin: You’re
seriously creeping me out,
man.
James: *super
glare*
Regis Philbin: Fuck it,
give him the money. Just stay the fuck away from
my children.
James: *menacing
grin*
Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Matt Hardy, Jeff
Hardy, and CM Punk VS Edge, Randy Orton, Gregory
Helms, Johnny Nitro, and Mike Knox w/ Kelly Kelly,
Can’t You See, Sometimes Your World Just Hypnotize
Me
DX does their intro,
but CM punk gets such a loud pop, and Hunter
actually lets him do the “Are You Ready” line.
Coincidentally, Satan just built a snow
fort.
Believe me… the irony
of JEFF HARDY and CM PUNK on the same team is not
lost on me. I mean, this would be like Martin
Luther King Jr. and Michael Richards co-hosting
the Golden Globes.
Knox and HHH starts us
– shit, Knox just ate a superkick, and got pinned.
THAT’S HARD KNOX~! Eh, shut up. I have no Mike
Knox jokes. Dude just ain’t funny…. Yep. I feel
pretty awkward right now.
Nitro and HBK tangle,
and HBK pauses this to go outside to hug Melina.
Nitro decides he can’t take another Batista-gate,
and does something about it.. like get punched!
Hacksaw Jim Duggan Action Figure
Sez:
:
(Nothing, you moron.
He’s a fucking action
figure)
Oh, and Nitro taps to
the Anaconda Vice. Funny… I didn’t think Punk
supported Vices? No? Too literal? Yeah, not nearly
crude enough, I know. Umm… So, that CM Punk, eh?
He sure likes to stick it up girls’ butts, eh? Ha,
yeah, that’s funny shit.
Punk is playing the
face in peril, which makes me wonder if he’s ever
fucked a girl named Peril. Hey, you never know.
Punk dodges a spear, but really, is it that hard?
I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but if
someone was running at my full speed, I’d
PROBABLY, oh I don’t know, shuffle over two feet.
But hey, that’s why I’m not a wrestler… because
I’m ridiculously
pale.
Helms in now an- oh
jesus, the Hardys just eliminated him. Well then.
Not only is he the longest reigning cruiserweight
champion of all time, but he’s the longest
reigning “no one will ever take me seriously”
champion, too. Just narrowly edging out OJ “I’m
going to do everything in my power to capture the
culprit” Simpson, of
course.
Edge & Orton try to
leave, but DX’s bitches don’t let that happen, as
Edge some Sweet Chin Music. Though, Really, I
don’t see what so sweet or musical about it. I
mean, it’d be like going to Ikea, and having your
new bed called a “Sour Back Sculpture”. Though,
those Swedish ARE fucking nuts. I mean, free
university for every citizen?!?! THAT’S JUST
CRAZY!
Oh. Yeah. Orton got
bitched out too, thanks to a
Pedigree.
Winners: HHH, Shawn
Michaels, CM Punk, Matt & Jeff Hardy (All
survive… until
2071)
By the
way:
“But Amy… you have
another outbreak…”
Backstage, That Ex-Diva
Search Girl (Krystal?) interviews Kennedy, and MVP
basically tells the whole world that he’ll be
interfering. Surprises? What’s
that?
Undertaker VS Ken Kennedy , First Blood
Match
I don’t know about you
guys, but if I was ever in a first blood match,
I’d just bring a gun to the ring. Hell, I’m
beginning to wonder if Taker did that to 50 Cent..
“I’ll make you famous”,
indeed!
You know what I like
about Ken Kennedy? The fact that unlike the Ken I
knew growing up, this one doesn’t wear flesh
coloured underwear. Don’t ask me how I know
that...
Oh, by the way, they’re
brawling. But I don’t think I really needed to
tell you that. Back to my stupid one
liners!
But seriously, what
kind of zombie bleeds? I thought they all had
dangly bits of flesh just kinda flopping around as
they try to gnaw on the brains of the living.
Well, I suppose that explains why Taker’s never
gone after WWE creative… </smark
joke>
Fact: Ken Kennedy's mom
is a nun. Infact, that’s where Kennedy got his
intro from… “SISSSSSSTUUUUUUH.. KENNEDY!”. (By the
way, neglect the fact that Ken’s MOM is a NUN.
Logic and wrestling DO NOT MIX WELL. It’s like
mixing Red Bull and Arsenic – you’re better off
enjoying them both by
themselves.)
Oooh, they’re in the
ring now. Taker lands a big boot, and Kennedy
rolls to the floor.. he’s bleeding from the mouth,
but here comes MVP with a TOWEL! Uhhh, since when
is the MVP of a team the TOWEL BOY? Anywho, the
two try to leave, and MVP tosses Kennedy back into
the ring, in a little bit of a receipt from a few
weeks ago. Taker dominates him, so MVP hops on the
apron and has a little tug of war with the ref
over a chair. This, of course, leads to Taker
getting blasted, and he blades. Kennedy pounds on
the wound, just to re-inforce it, and the ref
calls for the
bell.
Winner: Ken
Kennedy
MVP tries to sell the
fact that chair shot was on accident, but what the
fuck was he doing on the apron with a weapon in
the first place? I mean, it’s like a military
going to say, Baghdad, and saying they’re there
for peace as they bomb the shit out of everything.
That’s just
LUNACY!
Anywho, Kennedy tries
to attack Taker post match, but that just results
in Taker landing an incredibly stiff Chair shot,
and an equally stiff Tombstone. The Undertaker is
like a rapper getting his gun taken away from him
as he enters a club – he can’t be without his heat
for long.
Backstage, Booker and
Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package
will soon tell us. Backstage,
Booker and Sharmell re-iterate everything a video
package will soon tell us.
Backstage, Booker and
Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package
will soon tell us.
Backstage, Booker and
Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package
will soon tell us.
Backstage, Booker and
Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package
will soon tell us.
Backstage, Booker and
Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package
will soon tell us.
Backstage, Booker and
Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package
will soon tell us.
Backstage, Booker and
Sharmell re-iterate everything a video package
will soon tell us.
John Cena, Lashley, Kane, RVD, and Sabu VS
Big Show, Umaga, Test, Finlay, and
MVP
Ok, let’s do a roll
call for this match. We have a Crazy Arab, a
Pacific Savage, an Angry Canadian, a bitter Irish
man, and an Arrogant Black Man. THE WWE EDUCATES
ME ON FOREIGN CULTURES. THANK
YOU!
Oh, by the way, Tazz
and Styles aren’t even HERE tonight, despite the
fact half the competitors in this match are from
ECW. Yes, ECW is important. We also have a lot
planned for Mordecai. Oh, and yes, Bret Hart won’t
lose the title to Shawn Michaels in Canada.
Anywho, Cena and Umaga
start is off, and I couldn’t help
noticing…
“And over here, Mr.
Cena, you’ll see our 2007 model of the
Escalade!”
Cena takes Umaga to the
outside, where Umaga goes postal (I’ll bet that in
“Samoa”, the mail carriers “go postal” by throwing
some pointy sticks and boiling foreigners in
oversized cauldrons) and decks both Cena and RVD
with a monitor, drawing a DQ. You know, he
probably just got paid more for a minute’s worth
of work than I make in a month.
Hey, you know, what’s
with wrestling fascination of Samoa anyways? I
mean, there’s many pacific island nations out
there; so why does Samoa get all the attention?
Samoa is always hanging out with all the cool
kids, going to all the parties. I’m mean, what
does Samoa have that Fiji doesn’t? Fiji is a nice
guy, too. He’s also really smart, and funny. Plus,
Fiji would never cheat on Germany, which is more
than the ex “German Samoa” can say. Just give Fiji
a chance, will you? He’ll even buy you flowers and
write you poems. Come on.
Please?
Oh, MVP just got
frog-splashed and is eliminated. Oh, then test Big
Abooted RVD and eliminated him, too. Test then got
Tornado DDT’d by Sabu and is out as well, but then
Sabu takes a chokeslam is gone. Ooh, Kane then
takes a shillelagh shot and chokeslam too, and is
gone. Whew! With all those eliminations, I thought
I was watching some bad reality TV. Thankfully,
it’s just bad
TV.
Eventually, Little
Bastard runs in and is about to get FUed, but Big
Show boots Cena. You know, only in the WWE can you
see a rapping marine carry a leprechaun on his
back. And no, that wasn’t a
compliment.
Anywho, Lashley pins
Finlay after an EXPLODER suplex. I CAN’T POSIBLY
MAKE A JOKE ABOUT THAT! Big Show then takes a
double suplex from Lashley and Cena, then the 5
knuckle shuffle, then a spear, then an FU, and
it’s all over.
Winners: John Cena,
Lashley (Survivors), RVD, Sabu, and
Kane.
We get a hype video for
the “EXTREME” elimination chamber match. I’ll bet
they make it “EXTREME” by having a bunch of
Mountain Dew and Skateboards hidden under the
ring. HARDZ0R3!!! …
sigh.
A video package
re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just
told us.
A video package
re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just
told us.
A video package
re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just
told us.
A video package
re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just
told us.
A video package
re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just
told us.
A video package
re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just
told us.
A video package
re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just
told us.
A video package
re-iterates everything Booker and Sharmell just
told us.
Teddy “Where’d my body
mass go?” Long comes to the ring to re-affirm what
a video package and Booker and Sharmell just told
us. Teddy “Where’d my body mass go?” Long comes to
the ri- Oh, he’s actually adding the stipulation
that Booker can lose the belt on a DQ or
Count-out.
World Titles
changing hands on DQ's? Man, what kind of fucking
bushleague company would do
that?
Batista VS King Booker w/Sharmell, World
Heavyweight
Championship
What’s with Batista’s
insistence on the shaved head? I mean, when he
left his cancer-ridden wife for Rebecca, did she
get the kids and he got her haircut? Because if
so, divorce sounds like a pretty sweet
deal.
But seriously guys,
divorce is a hard thing to deal with. I know,
because I’ve banged many-a-married women, and
they’re really distraught over the whole thing.
Well, I think they were… I didn’t really find out,
because I was pretty quick to pick up my clothes
and leave through the window as the husband came
up the stairs. I’m sort of like a Cat Burglar,
except I don’t quite burgle “cat” as … well, you
know where I’m heading with
this.
Oh, by the way, Batista
is dominating, and Booker is narrowly escaping the
onslaught. You good now? Ok, back to the
bullshit.
Fact: While Booker may
have gotten his money from Wendy’s, he got his
crown from Burger King. He quickly fled the scene,
only to discover that the only person chasing him
was an irate overweight mother complaining that
her obese son wanted it back.
You know what I like
about this whole “King Booker” shtick? The fact
that a BLACK man thinks he could be KING! I mean,
that’s just FUNNY! Surely, only white Europe had
monarchies! And therefore, blacks could NEVER BE
KING! …
Oh.
Um. Shit. Why is this gimmick funny,
then?
Hey look! Batista
regains control after another short Booker flurry
of offense!
By the way, my keyboard is really sticky
right now (say WHAT?) because I’m eating pineapple
with my hands. I figured my rant was fruity
enough, so I thought I’d throw some flavour in
here. But, I hate it when the juice goes
everywhere.
Sylvan
Sez:
I love it
when the juice goes
everywhere…
Hey, look at that… my
rant just got ridiculously fruity. Funny how that
works.. it’s almost as if I planned it like that!
CRAZY!
Oh, important things
are happening in the match now, so I probably
should recap ‘em, right? Yeah. So.. uhh.. Batista,
for some ridiculous reason, actually goes to the
top rope and lands a big shoulder block.
Foley/HIAC, it wasn’t. But hey, give the big fella
credit… or don’t whatever. Bookend! 2 count.
Batista Bomb! Rope break. Sharmell distraction…
Booker misses with the title! Batista doesn’t! 3
count!
Winner, and NEW World
Heavyweight Champion:
Batista
Post match, Batista
clutches the title like Lashley would to a new
liver.
Show
Highlight: I’m going to give it
to not only CM Punk not jobbing, but actually
getting involved in the pre-match spiel with DX.
Something tells me that this was impromptu, due to
the surprising pop he got, and Hunter was ballsy
enough to play off of it. Never the less, still
cool to see, even though it’ll probably mean
nothing in a week when Test boots his face in. Oh
well.
Show Lowlight: Despite Punk and
Lashley looking relatively strong, ECW still got
buried tonight. Face it – they didn’t have an
singles matches, and despite the fact that they
were in the majority of a large match, not even
their announcers were allowed to call it. A more
refined point to this is the burial of RVD – the
guy can withstand tables and chairs, but not a
kick to the face after 90 seconds of action?
Overall show
thoughts: Good stuff tonight.
While I stand by my ECW-related frustration, the
rest of the show was pretty solid. I like the
emergence of Smackdown as the premier “wrestling”
brand, and frankly, tonight was their show. I
don’t think Michael Hayes has gotten enough credit
recently, for the show is doing far better with
what it’s being given in the ways of talent. Face
it – stuff like MVP bringing Kennedy a towel is
brilliant, and it makes for an entertaining show.
While none of the matches were **** affairs,
nothing was bad, which can probably be attributed
to the Survivor Series format instead. This
definitely wasn’t a “blow away” show, but compared
to some stuff like Cyber Sunday, this was pretty
good. Thumbs up.
