WWE
SURVIVOR SERIES 2004(11/14/04)
Hey there,
Cowboy, I’m Sean Carless, and welcome to the one time
"Thanksgiving night tradition" that has since given
way to the "completely inconsequential random
mid-November Sunday tradition": THE SURVIVOR
SERIES!
But before I
get to the festivities, I have to admit I'm taken aback
by the official event poster, (seen
right) that is obviously purposely drawn in a
GTA-like fashion. Hopefully, this means we'll
see Eddie Guerrero suddenly going into
business for himself tonight, concluding with
him savagely murdering both Triple H and JBL with a
variety of interchangeable weaponry that he'll be able
to toggle through at will, before
being chased in his low rider by the police in
circles while he randomly runs over
identical people in the
crowd.
But hey, it
could be worse. You could be Rey Mysterio
there, who judging by the poster is only some 11
inches tall, and strangely only about
half the size of Eddie G's entire head. No
wonder he had such trouble beating him for the
Cruiserweight title in WCW! But that
all pales in comparison to Booker T; who looks less
like the 5-time WCW champion we remember, and more
like a strung out homeless guy, who'll cut your
throat for moving his shopping cart full of tin cans.
Which I'd imagine would only contain 5 for the sake
of gimmick continuity. That's right. Dear god. All that
rambling for a fucking
poster...
Tonight’s show
comes to us from Cleveland, in the beautiful state of
Ohio! You know, the state that just a couple of
weeks ago in the election, pretty much guaranteed
that if there’s ever another plight to retrieve
fake hidden weaponry from random Arabic
countries, your tired ass just may be fitted
with pair of camouflage khakis whether you like it or
not….
Onto the
show~!
-Pay-per-view
opening took a look back at the previous 17 Survivor
Series. Little is made however of that now infamous
Survivor Series Screwjob. I mean, Bam Bam Bigelow facing
4 Doinks at once? Is there no justice?
*Ahem*.
-On Heat, La Résistance
battled a team THEY'VE NEVER EVER FACED...this
week, Rosey & the Hurricane! And the good news?
Rosey's a full-blown (as in inflated) SUPER HERO now! He
might want to think about changing his name though. It's
kind of hard to keep your secret identity, umm, "secret"
when you still use the same fucking name. "I don't
know who you are Rosey, BUT I WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF
IT!" Anyway, La Rez won with an Au Revoir on
Hurricane, which is French for goodbye, which is carny
for HOLY SHIT WE ONLY GOT TWO TAG TEAMS AND THEY'LL
APPARENTLY BE WRESTLING EACH OTHER FOREVER. Come on,
motherfuckers, get your heads in the
game.
Onto the live
broadcast~!
(C)“Evil Spock” Dudley vs. Billy Kidman vs. Chavo
Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio: 4-way Cruiserweight Title
match.
Hey, Spike has apparently
traded in his Dudley-esque camouflage pants for
some shit brown slacks last seen being worn by my
Garbage man. A garbage man who wears no shirt,
apparently. I imagine this is how the garbage
men dress in the Village in New York. That's right.
Anyway, your story here is that Spike is
FINALLY your Cruiserweight champion, after
someone finally figured out, that yes, a 150 pound
guy is indeed a cruiserweight, defending against former
champion Rey Mysterio, the returning Chavo Guerrero, and
the man who crushed him with a shooting star press, the
now evil Billy Kidman. Apparently, you can
now become a heel just by accidentally injuring
people all the time. YET, fucking Ahmed Johnson was
always booked as a babyface. Go
figure.
Anyway, fast
paced opener here, as they opted to have all four go at
it at once as opposed to having to tag in and tag out.
It also works much better because unlike the triple
threat, they don't all have to pretend to be
spontaneously unconscious on the floor at
interchangeable times. Remind me to never play
basketball with 2 other WWE superstars. I
think I'd get bored lying out cold on the
fucking court waiting a half hour to come into
the game.
That
said, Spike and his evil goatee try to plancha over the
ropes onto Rey & Chavo on the floor, but they just
side-step, and Spike crashes and burns. WHY HAS NO ONE
EVER THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE. Man. "Yup, here
comes my opponent leaping over the ropes. Clearly, my
best bet is to try and catch his hurdling
body...BLARGGGGGGHHH". Anyway, it's at this
point, Cole, in typical Cole fashion, states that Chavo
& Rey are "great friends". They are? Since when?
Isn't this the same motherfucker who tried to
rip Rey's mask off and generally ruin his life like
maybe 7 months ago? I know whenever I get my
head crushed by some reckless dude, all
my enemies don't suddenly want to start
fucking crashing at my house and exchanging
Christmas gifts. What's Chavo's secret? After a
lot of high spots, Rey ends up countering a Dudley
Dog by drop-toe holding Spike neck first on the middle
rope, and a 619 is delivered. But before Rey can go for
the West Coast Pop, Billy Kidman yanks him to the floor.
Cole says that Kidman does this because his main agenda
is to hurt people and not win the title. Hey, fuckhead,
YOU CAN DO BOTH. Dear
god. From there, Chavo is back in,
and hits the Gory Bomb and covers Spike, only Kidman
breaks that up with a slingshot leg drop, and Spike
rolls over and collects the pin while Kidman & Rey
battle on the floor.
Winner: Spike Dudley's
evil goatee. Hopefully, the true, good,
clean-shaven Spike can one day find a way
to return from that seemingly
inescapable parallel universe he's eternally
imprisoned in . (not
OVW).
/5
-Backstage,
Heidenreich is being given a pep-talk by his manager
Paul Heyman. Huh. Come pay-day, I
hope Heidenreich is smart enough to only
accept money-orders. Just saying. He is then confronted
by Snitsky. The two share some really disturbing grunts
and groans with one another (all without passing the
toilet paper under the stall, which is the only place
these sort of shared noises are acceptable). Snitsky
reveals that he “likes Heidenreich’s poetry”, while
Heidenreich returns with “I like what you do to
babies.” Wow. there's a compliment you can't
really give anyone without expecting a punch in the
face. Hilarious. The two then go their separate ways,
but not before Snitsky says “I’ll see you soon”. I'd
make the guess that the Pro-choice Snitsky was offering
up his potential services to a miraculously pregnant
Heidenreich, but as Cole can account, you have to
actually not exclusively take/give it in the ass to get
someone
pregnant. Yup.
Christian w/ Tyson Tomko w/ PROBLEM
SOLVING ABILITIES. vs. (C) Shelton Benjamin for the
Intercontinental Title;
Hey!
Christian has new completely unidentifiable theme
music! And WWE is releasing a new CD of random
songs this Tuesday! And this song is on
it! What are the odds! He also has new ring
gear with a jacket that reads "CAPTAIN CHARISMA".
Originally, Tomko was going to wear his
matching jacket, but the seamstress backstage had a hard
time adhering the letters "N" and "O" in front of the
"Charisma" iron-on. Oh well. This is course for
Shelton's newly won Intercontinental Title, which
was THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE last month at Taboo Tuesday.
Although, the fact that his competition included Rodney
Mack and Chuck Palumbo may have played somewhat of a
part in that. That'd be like running against a mound of
horse-shit in the Presidential election. Wait. Bad
example.
Excellent match here. Just
great psychology. I’m really digging Shelton in the 1991
Bret Hart role of “catch as catch can”
Intercontinental champion. The umm, black and,
umm, black attack is back! Or something! Anyway,
Christian puts his 'Problem Solver' Tyson Tomko to good
use multiple times in this one. This week's problem? How
to both suck and blow at the same time. But if anyone
can figure out that equation, it's Tyson Tomko~! Ah, I
kid. The "problem" here that Tomko actually
solves is what is the best way to get a Shelton Benjamin
from point A to point B without the referee seeing it.
He accomplishes this ramming Benji into the apron then
rolling him back inside.
Once back
inside, Christian gets a big second rope reverse DDT for
2, but Shelton kicks out, because THERE AIN'T NO
STOPPING HIM NOW. Did I mention the CD is available this
Tuesday? More nearfalls from Xian from there, but
Shelton rallies and slingshots him into the buckles. He
then goes for the Stinger splash, but Christian moves.
This allows Tomko to "solve the problem" of sliding the
belt into the ring; and Christian tries to use it, but
Shelton boots it in his face, and goes upstairs to, as
JR put it, THE HIGH RENT DISTRICT. Well, we’re movin on
up, to the east side.To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up to the east side. We finally got a piece of
the pie! Shelton then gets a flying clothesline, but the
power of Christ(ian) compels Christian to kick
out.
From there, as
the ref is tied up with Christian, Tomko gets involved
AGAIN, which somewhat surprised me, because most guys
with skinheads and tattoos usually tend to love
minorities! Ahem. Anyway, Tomko delivers the big boot,
and something miraculous happens… it ACTUALLY connects!
And for one brief instant, the stars are aligned, and
there's peace on Earth! Then just like that, Tomko
goes back to stinking. Oh well. It was still the best 5
seconds of my life. Second only to having sex, which
strangely enough occurs in the same amount of time. Oh
well. Anyway, after Tomko's boot, Christian goes for a
cover, but THERE AIN'T NO STOPPING..ah, you get the
picture. Benjamin kicks out. Both men back up, and
Shelton quickly floats over Christian and hits the
exploder! And although Christian does not shatter into
many pieces as the move suggests, it's still enough for
Shelton to get the pin and retain his title. GREAT
match.
Winner
and STILL Intercontinental Champion: Shelton
Benjamin; proudly representing ALL the continents.
The Ocean however apparently wants nothing to do
with his ass. That's an honor you only receive
once you win the WORLD title. True
story.
-Backstage,
Kurt Angle confronts Edge about how he (Angle) was
portrayed in Edge’s book "Adam Copeland on Edge." Angle
however neglects to ask how it's possible that Edge can
have sex with himself as the title of the book implies.
Ok then.
The two
trade barbs, with Angle planting some seeds for a
potential match with Shawn Michaels, when he makes light
of Edge losing the vote at Taboo Tuesday to "a
cripple". Could be worse; he could have lost a vote to a
retard. Like John Kerry did. And speaking of retards,
Eugene enters the scene next, and he and Kurt have a
tête - à - (HUGE) tête. Seriously, either Angle's
head is growing, or his body is shrinking, but at this
point, Angle could stand next to the Easter Island
statues, and no one would notice the fucking difference.
From there, Eugene irritates Kurt by singing "you suck"
to his song. And that was that. I would have personally
marked out if Eugene revealed that he was the WWE’s
first Special Olympic Gold Medalist to add salt to the
wounds. Hey, don’t laugh, it's possible. Some of
those Mongoloids can run really fast! Especially when
I’m chasing them.
-Wrestlemania Recall:
Steve Austin wins the WWF title at Wrestlemania 14! Why
the fuck are they running these already? Wrestlemania
isn't like for another 5 months, am I right? Dear
god. But hey, it was nice to see a Wrestlemania moment
for once that didn't include Hulk
Hogan KILLING Andre with a bodyslam (he died a few
days later according to Hulk... then I guess went on to
wrestle for 6 more years as a zombie.). Huh.
Apparently there are other "Wrestlemania
moments" after all. Who knew? Nosferatu Andre
ftw.
Team Captain: Kurt Angle, Luther
Reigns , Mark Jindrak and Carlito Caribbean Cool w/
Jesus (Aguilera, not the risen Christ) vs. Team
Captain: Eddie Guerrero, RVD, John Cena, Big Show
& hands resembling interchangeable items found in
your kitchen.
Ah, yes, our first
"classic" survivor series match. Well, not
that "classic", because the original teams
consisted of 5 not 4. But I guess an argument could be
made that Big Show is really the size of two people, and
Jesus could be the unofficial 5th man on the Angle
squad. After all, Jesus is ALWAYS there. He loves
his team and he would never leave them. During their
times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set
of footprints, it was then that he carried
them.
Before we get to the
match, I have to say that John Cena must have the best
doctor in the world (or somewhere along the lines he was
able to drink from the cup of Christ) to come back this
fast from being STABBED and “almost losing a KIDNEY” as
Cole pointed out. And all with no VISIBLE SCARS to
boot. Man, he must have the same surgeon that treated
Kane's burns! It all makes sense now! And
wait. Wasn’t Luther also stabbed once?
Yet, HERE HE IS, TOO. All this proves to me is how
much of a PUSSY that Bruiser Brody must have been to DIE
from these same injuries! Haha.
Anyway,
Cena is apparently mad or something at Carlito for
shanking him and chases him off, as I ask myself: “What
Would Jesus do?”… Jesus Aguilera I mean. And I’ll
tell you: He gets his ass kicked by Cena also, as
Carlito bails and steals a woman’s car, speeding off,
abandoning his team, and apparently being eliminated.
But hey, I gotta ask, if you're going to go ahead and
steal a car, WHY NOT TAKE EDDIE'S? IT'S RIGHT
FUCKING THERE. For a guy who stabs a dude in a
night club then brags about it openly on Television for
weeks, he sure is dumb...
Cena returns to his
team’s side and the match is now on 4 on 3.
First man eliminated is RVD, by Angle, who pins him with
a school boy rollup after RVD hit Jindrak with a
five-star frog splash, and Kurt grabbed the ropes for
leverage. Eddie then immediately rolls up Jindrak
in a similar manner and eliminates him as well. It's
funny, I was a school boy once, I don't remember fellow
students trying to pin me all the time. Weird.
Anyway, Luther takes it to Big Show and clips his
knee, but this just LIGHTS A FIRE UNDER THIS MAN, AND
THAT FIRE THEN IGNITES HIS FRYING PAN HANDS, which grab
Luther and chokeslam him for the elimination. Show then
takes the opportunity to fry up some lunch is in those
hands while they're still hot.
This just leaves Kurt
alone against 3 men. Kurt tries to take a powder, but
here's RVD, who takes OFFENSE to this powder!
Little bags filled with marijuana? Not so much. He
tosses Kurt back into the ring where Cena is waiting
with an F-U. Eddie then gets a frogsplash, and Show
covers for the pin.
Winners &
Survivors: Eddie, Cena & Show, the latter of which
gets another measure of revenge for "getting his dignity
raped" last month. That's good. So many dignity rapists
get off on a technicality these days it's
sickening. It's good to see justice finally prevail!
Clearly.
-WWE 24/7 commercial
airs. Order now, and you can watch old episodes of
Nitro, overlapped with the Benny Hill theme song,
whilst cutting to a studio where Vince McMahon
belly-laughs and points a lot.
-Backstage,
Jonathan Coachman brow beats Maven. And in his case, boy
is that a lot of beating. Coach then questions whether
he’s in fact a legitimate Main Eventer. You and me
both, buddy. Anyway, as Maven goes into why he is in
fact “ready”, Gene Snitsky attacks from behind and rams
him into a trunk. And why not? With Maven’s little bald
head, it’s not too hard to confuse him for being
infant-like. I could see how he'd make that
mistake.
Anyway, Maven is busted
open, and Fit Finlay and SKINNER?!! (Steve Keirn) are on
the scene! WOW. I had no idea Skinner was an agent! I
wonder if they sunk his office in Titan Tower to the
bottom of a bog just to make him feel more at home. I
can just picture Skinner swimming through the swamp with
an agent's report clenched between his teeth. It's
awesome.
-Heidenreich video
package. Poetry and anal rape. Kind of like what
would happen if Lanny Poffo went to
prison.
Heidenreich w/ Paul Heyman vs. The
Undertaker
Heidenreich makes his
way to the ring in a straight jacket. Hey, I hope if
I’m ever committed, I’ll get the luxury of
matching pants with my straight jacket, unlike
poor Heidenreich here. But hey, just what kind
of mental institution let's its inmates out to fucking
wrestle? If only Hannibal Lectre had chain wrestling
ability, he'd have not had to go to all that trouble to
escape, and that poor security guard would still
have face. Oh well.
Anyway,
Undertaker makes his intro next, and the ring
starts to fill with smoke, and I think to myself how
much braver Heyman is than what I’d be in this
situation. I mean, gas coming from the ring, and a giant
angry German on the scene? This is not a situation his
people have ever fared too well in. If I was Paul,
I’d get out of there, stat.
That said, this
wasn’t the terrible match I expected. It wasn’t anything
spectacular, mind you, but nothing embarrassing either.
However, the problem with Taker’s current character (and
I’m not complaining) is that the Dead man shtick limits
what he can really do in the ring. When he turned
American Bad Ass in 2000, he lost a lot of his
entertainment factor, but grew as a wrestler, and quite
honestly had some pretty good matches. Now a days
though, he’s a slave to the gimmick, and people don’t
buy the non-classic-Taker maneuvers in his current role.
Maybe they can just say there's a chapter in the
Necronomicon that bestowed him with the ability to use
incorrectly applied shoot-fighting holds. That'd be good
enough for me...
Anyway, despite what
the commentators said, this match was pretty one-sided
in Taker’s favor, and Heidenreich basically just kept
narrowly escaping defeat. The end came after Taker
miffed on the last ride finish (Heidenreich reached the
ropes) but finally finished with a chokeslam/tombstone
combination. And unlike the last
psychotic tall blond guy in this position,
Heidenreich at least had the decency to not shit
himself. That's nice.
Winner: Undertaker, the
world's greatest UFC star! (Ulitimate
Fighting Creature ...of the
night.).
/5
-Backstage,
Maria approaches Eric Bischoff and questions him on the
State of Maven. Holy shit, they added a state called
Maven to the Union? I can just picture
it. Completely barren, except for one
long hedge that runs concurrently across
the entire state. That's right. Anyway, Bischoff doesn't
care about the plight of Maven, and won't announce a
replacement, because he doesn't care
and is about to go on
vacation. (but since Vince took great pleasure in
humiliating him so much this month, I'm thinking this
"vacation" might be kinda like the one Ralphie went
on in
Sopranos...).
-Lita/Trish Stratus package. Lita deals with
her post partum depression woes by getting
the sudden urge to apply DDTs and moonsaults, instead of
just laying in bed all day. It's a medical
miracle!
Lita vs. (C) Trish Stratus for
Women’s
Title;
This isn’t even really a match, as Lita
takes it to Trish right out of the gate, and it spills
to the floor. Lita then snaps and “hits” Trish with
a chair lightly in a not-so-hardcore moment.
Let’s just say the only thing stiff during this spot was
me. It's at this point, JR utters (udders?) the line:
"CARNAGE KNOWS NO GENDER." You know, axe the "carnage
knows" part off, and you'd have a pretty nifty T-shirt
for Chyna. Anyway, the
chair-shot gets Lita DQ’d but she doesn’t stop. She then
Irish-whips Trish (who’s now bleeding from the
nose) into the stairs, before applying a rear naked
choke, as officials try to feverishly pull Lita off
of her. I can relate. My rear naked choke is
pretty unpopular, too. Most likely because I'm
really naked when I use it. But hey,
whatever.
Winner by
Disqualification: Trish Stratus, in about a minute and a
half. Roughly the amount of time I'd take to make love
to her. I'm a DYNAMO.
/5
Backstage, Team
Guerrero is celebrating, and they finally mention Cena’s
lack of "scars" to which he answered "that he was born
in the year 1518 in Glenfinnan, Scotland near the shores
of Loch Shiel, and he is immortal and cannot die."
Ok, I’m kidding, but I like my answer better. Anyway,
Teddy Long enters the room and a half-naked Big Show
exits, but inexplicably throws his towel at Cena,
apparently exposing the old hog log. I have no idea what
kitchen utensil Cole or JR would compare that to. Maybe
a rolling pin? I don't know. Anyway, Teddy Long then
says that Cena will have his "return match" with Carlito
for the U.S. title this coming Thursday. Dear lord, they
segued Big Show's penis to a set up for a TV match.
It's official. There is no argument for the whole
"wrestling is gay" debate. You might as well
just throw in the towel. So long as it isn't the
one obstructing Big Show's cock. Dear
lord.
Booker T. vs. (C) JBL for WWE
Championship; If JBL loses he must leave
SmackDown:
Am I the only one who
wonders what kind of strange hand gesture Booker T.
would have to make in lieu of winning the Title tonight?
Perhaps Book has painted himself into a corner here with
the 5-time shtick.
Anyway, this match
started off quite awkwardly at first, but like most JBL
matches this year, it picked up once the brawling spots
on the floor began. One awkward moment saw JBL slip on
the Spanish Announce table, but the crowd thankfully
didn’t shit on it. Anyway, the story here was that
Orlando kept interfering, but Booker kept regaining
control and fighting off both men. At one point, Booker
looks to have the WWE title won after a big missile
dropkick, but JBL grabs the ropes at two. This prompts
Tazz to yell out "shades of Undertaker vs.
Heidenreich!". Dear lord, that there is a measuring
stick you don't want to be labeled with. You might as
well yell out to your partner during sex: "Shades of
someone who's completely fucking terrible in bed!".
I always get that one. It hurts.
Eventually, the ref gets bumped, and
Orlando blindsides Booker. This brings out Booker T's
big savior... Josh Matthews?! Dear lord.
Ya, when you're up to your eyeballs in
trouble, who better to come to your aid then a 150 pound
guy that 90% of the crowd doesn't even recognize. HARLEM
HEATLESS~! Matthews knocks Jordan out of the ring, all
while wearing a suit that makes him look like he
just came from grading 6th grade biology papers.
However, he turns around, and runs right into a JBL big
boot and clothesline. However, this is enough of a
distraction for Booker to attack JBL, and oh my, HE'S
RUNNING WITH SCISSORS KICK. But there's no count for
Book because the ref is still out cold. A second
official then ran-in, but Booker only got 2 because
Jordan pulled that referee out. OJ then
comes back in, and runs into a Book-end. THAT'S FOR
NICOLE~! Booker bellows. Ok maybe not.
Anyhoo, in all this by-gawd confusion,
JBL grabs the WWE Title and levels Booker for the win as
the original referee recovers and makes the
count.
Winner: JBL. Holy shit that was one
over-booked mess. I think I'd have had an easier time
deciphering the fucking dead sea scrolls then
recapping all the bullshit that went
down in here. Of course, they won't let
me touch them anymore since I tore
off a few pieces to roll joints. Oh
well.
-Advertisement
for Xmas in Iraq. They're doing it again this year! I
personally think they should just book Heidenreich vs.
Mark Jindrak in the Insurgent's camp instead. We'd have
unconditional surrender by Boxing
day.
-Backstage,
Batista revealed that he's talked with Snitsky &
Edge, and that they want HHH's title. Imagine
wrestlers wanting the World Title! That's unheard of!
Batista then secretly confides in Flair that he can't
wait for his week to run RAW, planting the
seeds of DISSENSION~! Flair then sells the moment
with trepidation. My theory is
it's because Flair will be the only
Evolution member left, and he's dreading getting Dave's
big ass up for the piggy-back ride of death that
Orton got.
-Video package
for the final match of Survival. It's set to a tune
called "Ugly". But considering who's on the Heel
team, a more apropos title I cannot
recall.
Team Captain: Randy Orton, Chris
Benoit,Chris Jericho & Maven vs. Team Captain:
HHH, Batista, Edge & Gene
Snitsky;
This is our final match
of the evening. And like the Team Eddie vs. Team Kurt
match earlier, this is indeed also a "traditional"
Survivor Series match. Meaning, the following holds are
now LETHAL and can finish you off completely where as
they'd be almost USELESS in a standard match:
-CLOTHESLINES.
-POWER
SLAMS.
-ELBOW
DROPS.
-CLUBBING BLOWS FROM
THE 2ND ROPE.
-BIG
BOOTS.
-ROLL
UPS.
-SMALL
PACKAGES.
-
SUPLEXES.
-SOMEONE TIPPING YOUR
ASS OVER WHILE YOU HAVE ANOTHER GUY
COVERED.
There. Glad I could
clear that up for you.
Anyway, if I didn't
know better, I'd say it was obvious that this match was
designed to get Orton over, much like they *attempted*
with Lex Luger in 1993 in the very same situation. All
Orton needs now is a large vehicle capable of
scouring the countryside like Lex before him. I'd once
again suggest a Bus, but if some of the
rumors circulating lately about Randy and the
Divas are true, I think a Honey Wagon might be a better choice. Dear
lord.
We're now officially
underway, and just in case you cared, there's no sign of
Maven. So this is now 4 on 3 in favor of the Heels.
And I for one am HEART BROKEN. The marquee
advertised MAVEN, and by god they BETTER deliver. I for
one will definitely be return- mailing my cable bill if
this is the case. Eventually. Sometime.
Maybe.
Benoit starts things
off, and holds his own against all four members of the
"Four Horse-Steroids" here.THEY HAVE MUSCLES IN PLACES
THERE'S NOT EVEN PLACES. AND THEY HAVE TINY HOLES
IN THOSE PLACES WHICH HELP MAKE THEIR
MUSCLES. That's right.
Benoit eventually gets
the sharpshooter on Trips, but that gets broken up by
Snitsky. I guess it's too much to have hoped they
could make it through this entire show without that
fucking hold. Jesus. Crossface from there to
Batista, but HHH breaks that up and hits his
Wrestlemania receipt Pedigree on Benoit, and Edge tags
in and gets the pin. Wow. Win one of the
biggest main-events in Wrestlemania history, and then 8
months later get outlasted in a match by MAVEN. Good
grief.
Anyway, Snitsky and HHH
argue over who got the tag soon after, and this segues
into a big face to (acne-riddled) face
confrontation between Batista and Snitsky. Wow. It's
like a "before" and umm, "before" poster for
steroid abuse. While the two argue, HHH gets
snatched by Jericho in the Walls, but luckily for Trips,
Batista finally breaks it up before HHH can tap. From
there, Ric Flair (who was in Evo’s corner) gets ejected
for tripping up Jericho on a Lion-sault attempt, and in
the ensuing chaos, Batista gets eliminated after Randy
Orton gave him a belt shot from the apron, and Jericho
hits his Enziguiri. STAY STILL SO I MAY BRAIN THEE!
This eliminates Triple H's Evolution charges, and just
leaves him alone on his squad, with his younger,
more talented counterpart, and the only guy on Earth who
makes the moon's surface seem like the smooth face
of Liv Tyler in comparison: Gene Snitsky, to depend
on.
Soon after, MAVEN
returns with his head taped up; his bountiful eyebrows
apparently acting as a pseudo air-bag, thus sparing him
any permanent head trauma. He then proceeds to open up
a, umm, “cup” of whoop ass, and even hits a variation of
the MAVEN EFFECT on HHH! However, Snitsky grows
tired of Maven’s offense, and probably his uncomfortably
small trunks as well, and smashes Maven with a chair to
get disqualified. Snitsky then gives all the remaining
babyfaces a chair shot before leaving; likely traveling
to the nearest free clinic and volunteering his
services. Women just might reconsider their stance on
Parenatal life once they see this scary motherfucker. In
the interim, HHH collects the pin of Maven to
*officially* eliminate him. Well, he sure made a
difference! Maven can now join Hillbilly Jim and Koko B.
Ware from the 1988 Survivor Series in forming an
all-star lame duck 'what the fuck' team somewhere.
Anywhere. Nowhere. Whatever.
This just leaves
HHH & Edge vs. Y2J & Orton. Orton is still out
on the floor from the earlier Snitsky chair shot, and
Jericho eats a spear by Edge to get
eliminated, moments after he had reversed a
Triple H pedigree. This leaves Orton to face
both men; but after a short double teaming
flurry, Edge accidentally spears HHH and eats an
Orton RKO to get eliminated. This leaves just HHH
and Orton, one and one. Orton tries to finish it quickly
with an attempted RKO, but HHH goes low. He says
"Bob Orton may not even be your father! And you mother
never wanted a son!" Or maybe he just punched him in the
balls.Whatever. HHH then goes for probably the millionth
pedigree in this match, but Orton pulls a page out of
Dallas Page’s book...a book that the poor fucker
can't read because he's dyslexic, and quickly spins
out of the pedigree attempt in one fluid motion, and
hits a perfect RKO to win the match, and earn the right
for his team to “run” Raw for the next
month!
Winner and sole
survivor: Randy Orton; the man who made our dreams of at
least one entirely Maven ran-Monday Night RAW a
reality! And by "dream" I mean comparable to the
one where you suddenly discover you went
to school without pants.
End
show.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Not a bad
pay-per-view, but then again, nothing overtly
spectacular either over-all. However, Christian vs.
Benjamin delivered even above expectations, and the main
event was cleverly booked. Hell, even Undertaker
wrestling Heidenreich wasn't nearly the life-sucking
clusterfuck it could have been. My only real complaint
was the length of the Women's match. There's absolutely
no excuse for a 2 minute match on pay-per-view. They
could have saved everyone's time and just had a skit
backstage if the point was Lita just wanted to murder
Trish rather than win the title. That said, though,
there were two excellent matches, and that almost always
is enough to get my venerable thumb of full uppery. And
thus it does. Thumbs
up.
Send Feedback to Sean
Carless
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald
spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live
Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also
cured
AIDS.
/5