Yes sir,
according to Yahoo.com, your number one source for "hard
hitting journalism" like conspiracy theories
involving Lindsay Lohan possibly hacking into Paris
Hilton's fucking blackberry, comes the *OFFICIAL*
UNVEILING OF ONE "SURI XENU DAWSON L. RON 2.0
CRUISE". Turns out, Suri is an actual
ENTITY, and the photographers at Vanity Fair (last seen
painting a complicated naked tuxedo on Demi Moore)
caught up with the new parents and Suri, fresh from her
recent multiple-month human emotion deprogramming
at one of Scientology's many
Thetan-ridding hyperbaric chambers across the
country (being purified of your tormented volcano ghosts
is all the *new* rage!) and snapped the first
collective photos of the happy
family!:
But not so fast,
mister! Through my super-secret sources, that for
the sake of their identity we'll just call "John
Travolta", I've learned that in fact, the very pictures
of young Suri now online have been DOCTORED by a
crack team of graphic artists to hide that TRUTH.
And not just that Tom has never made love
to Katie without first going to the kitchen and
hand washing a turkey baster for which he loads his
Thetan-free love seed, and then deposits into one
Katie Holmes in a manner that would not impress Pacy nor
Dawson, let alone anyone from the
beloved Creek. HOWEVER~! Fear not, for I have
ACQUIRED three incriminating photos, believed to be the
ACTUAL unedited shots of young Suri, moments before
she was sucked into a glowing green light and elevated
from the studio in a weightless beam of
anti-gravity. It is up to YOU to decide which of
the three are the REAL DEAL:
Uh-oh! Better cancel that Honeymoon to
Hawaii! With all those volcanoes around there, who
knows where Tom & Katie might end up thanks to
this kid! I mean, it's happened
before! You
know, Thousands of years ago thanks to those
pesky HYDROGEN bombs created by a race of aliens who
could create ships capable of traveling the far
reaches of space at light speed, but apparently not
bend the Atom! Who knew?!
Holy shit~! Tom might as well change
his name to Ricky Ricardo, because Katie's got some
Splainin' to do! Although, this does explain why Isaac
Hayes became a Scientologist! Shut your mouth! I'm only
talking about Shaft
Xenu!
Hey! I bet Tom's kicking himself for
letting Katie spend so much time with the Travoltas now!
Although, at least this kid has a seriously good chance
of cutting a mean rug one day! (no truth to the rumor
that when the photographer said 'say cheese',
Suri laughed, and responded "Royale with
cheese").
Ok,
that's all I have for you. But the truth is out there.
Somewhere. I'm sure. Maybe. I don't
know.
I'm
Sean.
3
Times winner of the prestigious handsome contest and
professional upstanding Truth Teller (Liars sit in
chairs).
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411
Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and
Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS
