SURFS UP, PANTS
DOWN.DEAR LORD, IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT
IS?...
(01/26/07)
You know, when you spend most of
your time in the cold unforgiving reaches of space, I'd
think the last thing you'd want to be doing in the
sub-temperatures of the great beyond is freeball
it. I mean, you think you had some explaining to
do the first time your woman saw your unit
after getting out of a cold
pool....
But leave it to Silver Surfer to
shatter that theory. According to an exposé on
Ain't It Cool
News, someone, with too much time on
their hands obviously, and god knows what else, did a
little frame by frame breakdown of the new Fantastic
Four sequel Trailer, and was horrified to discover
that Surfer (who plays their adversary in the film)
appears to be buck ass bare-balls whilst careening
through a Freeway Tunnel on his intergalactic surfboard.
Now, normally when you insist on exposing your testicles
while surfing, you have an angry coastguard pull you
from the Ocean and press formal charges (I'm running out
of beaches!), but I guess when you're granted
unparalleled cosmic powers and do all your
"surfing" in the fucking cosmos, who's gonna stop you if
you suddenly feel the urge to kick off your
otherworldly jockey shorts and go au natural?
That's right.
Quite frankly, I'm surprised
more super heroes haven't taken up Surfer's
free-spirited lifestyle and discarded their
indestructible spandex unitards for the unfettered
freedom that can only come from fighting crime and
saving the world with your omnipresent scrotum visible.
After all, if I was a super villain, I don't think I'd
want to tangle with say Superman, and his
super junk. It's clearly a great crime-fighting
edge. I mean, if Superman can melt shit with his
eyes, and freeze lakes with his breath, just
imagine the damage that his dick could do. That my
friends, is a chance I would not be willing to
take. Only unlike Supes, whom you could at
least force a pair of Kryptonite jockeys on, I
don't know if Surfer and his glistening
metallic nutsack can be stopped. But hey,
to each their own. Maybe Surfer's transdimensional
commando routine has less to do with an
Über swanky liberal lifestyle, and more to do
with basic aerodynamics. After all, I imagine a
pair of Bermuda shorts might cause some resistance
issues whilst you carefully maneuver through
an Asteroid belt. Clearly, I've thought too much about
this. I think I'll stop now.
I'm Sean.
This just in! After viewing Silver
Surfer's translucent pewter applebag, Britney
Spears has vowed to never leave home without her
underwear again. Does Surfer's heroics truly never
end?
