SURFS UP, PANTS
DOWN.DEAR LORD, IS
THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?...
(01/26/07)
By Sean
Carless
You know, when you spend most of your
time in the cold unforgiving reaches of space, I'd think the last thing you'd
want to be doing in the sub-temperatures of the great beyond is
freeball it. I mean, you think you had some explaining to do the first time
your woman saw your unit after getting out of a cold pool....
But leave it to
Silver Surfer to shatter that theory. According to an exposé on
Ain't It Cool News, someone, with too much time
on their hands obviously, and god knows what else, did a little frame by frame
breakdown of the new Fantastic Four sequel Trailer, and was horrified
to discover that Surfer (who plays their adversary in the film) appears to
be buck ass bare-balls whilst careening through a Freeway Tunnel on his
intergalactic surfboard. Now, normally when you insist on exposing your
testicles while surfing, you have an angry coastguard pull you from the Ocean
and press formal charges (I'm running out of beaches!), but I guess when you're
granted unparalleled cosmic powers and do all your "surfing" in the fucking
cosmos, who's gonna stop you if you suddenly feel the urge to kick off your
otherworldly jockey shorts and go au natural? That's
right.
Quite frankly, I'm
surprised more super heroes haven't taken up Surfer's
free-spirited lifestyle and discarded their indestructible spandex unitards
for the unfettered freedom that can only come from fighting crime and saving the
world with your omnipresent scrotum visible. After all, if I was a super
villain, I don't think I'd want to tangle with say Superman, and
his super junk. It's clearly a great crime-fighting edge. I mean, if
Superman can melt shit with his eyes, and freeze lakes with his breath,
just imagine the damage that his dick could do. That my friends, is a chance I
would not be willing to take. Only unlike Supes, whom you could at
least force a pair of Kryptonite jockeys on, I don't know if Surfer and his
glistening metallic nutsack can be stopped. But hey, to each their
own. Maybe Surfer's transdimensional commando routine has less
to do with an Über swanky liberal lifestyle, and more to do with
basic aerodynamics. After all, I imagine a pair of Bermuda shorts might
cause some resistance issues whilst you carefully maneuver
through an Asteroid belt. Clearly, I've thought too much about this. I
think I'll stop now.
I'm Sean.
This just in! After
viewing Silver Surfer's translucent pewter applebag, Britney Spears
has vowed to never leave home without her underwear again. Does Surfer's heroics
truly never end?
I'm Sean.
