Hey all, I'm your venerable party
host Sean Carless, and this is your rant for Summer
Slam. The best way to
spend your summer according to WWE; providing you have
no wife, friends or life to be spoken of. I wonder if
WWE meant to make me this
depressed.
Anyway, what are we waiting
for! It's SUMMER SLAM! A night built
entirely around two dudes who for
all intents and purposes look like a Hair Club ad
for "Before" and "Way Before!" Plus, angry
atrophied Olympians look to murder the mentally
handicapped! An Animal battles a God
that I suggest might be a little more
forgiving of Sodom & Gomorrah!
Adultery is settled the old fashioned way: WITH
BODYSLAMS! And a child goes home with the first
diminutive Mexican to climb a ladder. It's as true
to life as you get. And I can't think of a better
way to spend a summer! Ok, I lied. I really can.
But no one really likes me, so I have little
choice. Oh well.
Onto the
show~!
Tonight’s show comes to us from the
nation’s capital!... and just incase you forgot what
country you've lived in your entire fucking life,
here’s Lillian to sing the national anthem! And hey,
look, there’s the Navy something or other! How
patriotic! Apple pie for everyone! Except for you,
fatso. You eat too much as it
is.
(C) Orlando Jordan w/
U.S. Belt and
grandiose pubic thatch atop his head Vs. Chris Benoit
w/o tooth. : U.S.
Heavyweight Title at
stake
And we’re off! ……..And we’re done!
New U.S. Champion in about 25 seconds. OJ just got in
one punch and an Ali shuffle before taking a
quick German (not this. ) and tapping instantly to
the crossface. Wow. Even Muhammad Ali, inventor of said
shuffle, would have lasted longer in
there than OJ just did. Of course, he'd probably
be tapping too, but you'd really have no way
of knowing if that was him quitting or just a flurry of
Parkinson's. Wait. What were we talking about
again?
Oh, ya. OJ's reign is finally over!
Thank God. Obviously WWE actually started watching their
shows and saw the proverbial Wild West tumbleweed that
usually accompanies Jordan to the ring. Good decision.
All that's left now is for WWE to totally repackage OJ.
And by repackage, I mean seal him in something
inescapable and drop him to the bottom of the Ocean.
I'll understand if my suggestion falls on deaf ears,
though. Oh well.
Winner: Ron and Nicole! Justice is
finally served! Ahem.
/5 (just
because)
-Eddie Guerrero is backstage when he’s joined
by his wife Vickie. Vickie begs
Eddie not to go ahead with this custody match and
pleads for him to come to his senses, stating that the
Eddie she knows has a big heart. Holy shit, a big
heart? Get this dude to a hospital! That shit can't
be too
healthy.
[Sean's note as of 2006: Shit.
Didn't see that coming. I feel
terrible. Although, you do have
to marvel at my somewhat sweet prognostication
abilities. What am I, a Genius? A
Wizard?]
Matt Hardy Vs. Edge w/
Lita (and sexual
contagion?)
According to J.R., this whole match
is built around the fact Edge ruined and I quote,
"Matt’s chance to ever have a family". Apparently no one
ever told Matt that his sperm can actually impregnate
more than one woman. Poor Matt. I don't know how
any woman would EVER want to leave him based
on his proficiency at the shocker. It's a
head-scratcher.
Anyway, the shit is on, as Matt
wastes little time, and the two exchange some pretty
stiff shots, while resisting the urge to ruin the
"shoot" atmosphere by breaking out some really lame
WWE-esque contrived spots. "MAN, I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR
DESTROYING MY LIFE, I THINK I COULD JUST GINGERLY
HIP TOSS YOU, OR MAYBE EVEN PLACE YOU IN A
CHINLOCK SO I MAY CATCH MY BREATH! FEEL MY
WRATH~!!!!". Yup.
In one cool spot, Edge spears Matt
who was standing on the apron, and both spill violently
to the floor. Ouch. However, if you REALLY
wanted to hurt Matt, I’d suggest maybe breaking his
fingers, that way he couldn’t type on the Internet
anymore. But hey, that's just me. Back inside,
Edge ends up back body dropping Matt face first into the
turnbuckle post, then laying in some really stiff kicks
that open up Matt’s head, as many morbidly obese teenage
girls across the country likely pass out in horror
at the visual. Or maybe due to all the blood
leaving their heads to go to their stomach to help
digest the huge meal they likely just put away. It's
hard to know. I'm no
doctor.
Anyway, the ref tends
to Matt from there, but Edge lays in one more stiff
shot, so the ref calls for the bell?
Whatinthefuckyousay? Wow. All of a sudden I get the
image of Vince, Steph & Johnny Ace waiting for Matt
backstage with a wheelbarrow, a shovel, and some
lime.
In any event, after
the match, the officials carry Matt Hardy to the back,
beaten and bloodied. JR then astutely points out that
Matt Hardy did not die. Quick, someone get this
man a medical license! It's really that
easy.
Winner: ADULTERY! (and
Edge)
/5 (For what we did
see)
-Wow, two matches thus far, clocked
in at a total of barely five minutes total? You’d think
a couple of egomaniacs were on top tonight and demanding
all the time! *Ahem*.
-Highlight package for Rey Vs.
Eddie. The best way to get back at a former friend is to
demand custody of his child. Ya, that'll show him.
Paying palimony is always the BEST revenge. Good
thinking, Eddie.
Anyway, after the video, Cole
says that he knows what Mysterio is going through,
because he has two adopted sons of his own. Huh. I
guess it kind of makes sense. You actually have to
have sex with a real woman to have
children. Or at least one that doesn't require a
patch kit bi-weekly.
That said, the social worker brings
Dominick to ringside. And you know, somehow, I don’t
think basically winning a contest is legal grounds for
adoption. “Hey, your
honor, that kid is MINE, I won a game of horse-shoes
fair and square!”. But if it was, and I was a
parent, I'd always be
challenging various friends and neighbors to these types
of matches...then purposely
losing. Just about the best way to get out of
buying Christmas presents I can think of.
Suckers.
Rey Mysterio Vs. Eddie Guerrero;
Ladder match for custody of Dominick. (maybe the single
dumbest thing I’ve ever written).
This match would mean so much more
if Dominick himself was dangling from the ceiling, no? I
mean why not? If they can get Judy Bagwell's big ass up
on a pole (likely the only one to come in contact
with her since spawning Buff), surely Dominick can
take one for the team and ride a
cable?
Anyway, I’d call this match hold
for hold, but I, umm, don’t want to? That’s right.
Instead, I’ll just point out the best highspots and try
and tell the
story.
Both men absolutely pulverized each
other with the ladder, and the irony is, even though the
two blew a few spots (namely one where Rey back body
dropped Eddie off the ladder, then fell awkwardly back
first into a second ladder that was laying precariously)
they ended up being much more brutal visuals than what
was originally intended, so everything equaled out.
Another absolutely awesome spot saw
Eddie place the ladder, wedging it on the top rope, and
when Rey tried to run at Eddie and attempt a potential
frankensteiner, Eddie powered through and dropped
Rey-Rey face first into the ladder! At this point, Eddie
looked to have things won, and climbed the ladder, only
to see Dominick run in and try to tip Eddie over!
(obviously Dominick didn’t hear about what happened to
the last guy to try and do that to
Eddie…).
However, Guerrero hilariously
climbs down and says "you never tip someone off a
ladder!" before asking him to give him a hug because
he’s his new Daddy. I think Feinstein uses that as a
pickup line. Anyway, Eddie looks like he’s about to give
Dominick five across the eyes (which since Rey isn't his
*real* father actually have fucking pigment. Lucky
him.), but Rey makes the save. As only a father
desperately trying to win an adopted child by climbing
garage-based home improvement apparatuses
can.
Anyway, more carnage with the
ladder ensues, including a ladder assisted 619 (Rey
swung his feet into the ladder that in turn crashed into
Eddie’s head) along with perhaps one of the coolest
visuals I’ve ever seen as Rey is hanging from the cable
after climbing the ladder, and as he let’s go and falls,
Eddie catches him, and powerbombs him! Sick stuff.
Anyway, after some more back and
forth, Eddie gets the advantage and hits the three
amigos (with the last on the ladder) before pinning the
ladder over Rey’s torso and climbing up, for the
potential easy win. HOWEVER, Vickie Guerrero runs-in
(waddles in?) and tips Eddie off the ladder,
causing him to crash violently into the ropes. This
assist allows Rey to climb the ladder and retrieve the
briefcase containing the “custody papers”, while Vickie
attached herself to Eddie like a spider monkey,
preventing him from stopping Rey. What a shame. I can
only hope the next time I’m trying to steal my former best friend’s
son by climbing a ladder, that my wife is there to
support me. I mean, if you can't trust your wife to
support you in the legal kidnapping of a diminutive
Mexican boy, what's the point of even getting
married?
Winner: Rey Mysterio. How
wholesome. Dominick is back where he belongs! Even
if he is going home with a father with no eyes and who
always wears a mask. Wait. Isn’t that something that
Children’s Aid worker should be looking into?
/5
-Backstage, Tard Grisham is with
Chris Jericho. Y2J insists that he’ll win the WWE Title
tonight, and that Cena’s fad will end like the way the
New Kids on the Block fade away. Ha. BREAK THE WHALBERG
DOWNNNNNNNNNN.
Kurt Angle Vs. Eugene w/ Christie
Hemme, Gold medals, and an unnamed medical
calamity.
First, it must be said: Washington
D.C. completely turned on
Eugene. But I can’t say
I blame them. They already have to put up with the
antics of one retard in this town, so hey, it's
understandable.
Anyway, just in case you were
wondering how the mongoloids that do the power lifting
in the Special Olympics would fare against standard
Olympic athletes, you got your answer. (not fucking
great.) Anyhoo, Angle
dominates Eugene, and proceeds to
beat the retard out of him. Eugene gets a couple of hope
spots, hitting both a Rock Bottom and a Stunner, but
neither gets the job done.
From there, Angle snaps, hits the Angle-slam, and
finishes with the anklelock in convincing fashion. After
the match, Angle kicks over a UNICEF tray, tips
over a D.A.R.T.S
bus, and pimp slaps Corky from Life
Goes On, just because he can. Anyway, Angle
then re-enacts his Olympic ceremony post match
(sans broken freakin’ neck) and demands the referee
place the medals around his neck as he stood on a chair.
Awesome. The next time I grievously maim a disabled
person, I think I too will insist on this
ceremony.
Winner: Kurt Angle. He likes
bestiality sex and killing retards. But then again,
don’t we all.
/5
-Backstage, we see the Divas
washing a limo. It’s a lot like the movie
The Bikini Car Wash Company,
only without the big bare
titties, and simulating screwing dudes while obviously
sitting on their stomachs. But we take what we can get,
right? Anyway, we pan along the limo and see a seal that
reads “President of the United States”. The limo power
window then rolls down and Vince is in the limo as
he shrugs his shoulders and says “hey, why not?”….
before we finally pan to a bumper sticker that reads
“McMahon for President”. Awesome. However,
truthfully, Vince should know that the American people
would never elect a
megalomaniac who inherited much of his position from his
Father; and a man who has his own twisted view on the
world and is unrelenting in forcing this particular
vision on other people. Not ever. And
definitely not twice. No
sir.
[Sean's note from 2006: I can't
believe they never ran with the Vince for President
thing as an actual angle. Damn them for depriving us of
some great potential material! Well, with that said, in
the Summer of 2005, I actually speculated as
to what a potential Vince McMahon Presidential campaign
would look like (before this ever even
happened). I'm now going to once
again list those policy changes I expected
Vince would implement if ever elected. Here we
go~!:
-Cut off all relations to places
like Japan, because the majority of the population is
under six feet tall.
-Raises taxes 300% to pay for the
350 billion dollar Diva
search.
-Changes the country's name to
United States Entertainment.
-Hires the Bashams to head up the
secret service. He's subsequently assassinated inside 10
minutes.
-Has Stephanie rewrite the
constitution and Bill of rights and remove all
continuity and add more jokes with “poop” and
“asses”.
-Retools the military, replacing
hand to hand combat and weapons with moves like the
scissors-kick, while desperately hoping the enemy has
the decency to stay bent over upward of 30 seconds so
they can pull it off.
-Every female in his cabinet will
go on a brief leave of absence then return with larger
breasts then they previously
had.
-Charges 40 dollars plus tax to
hear the State of the Union Address. Subsequently
schedules 15 addresses for
2006-2007.
-Attorney General Jerry Lawler has
the national age of consent lowered to twelve or
"whenever it is when they get
boobs".
-“Inexplicably” plans nuclear
missile testing for Nashville &
Orlando.
-Has the United Nations officially
disbanded when several of the other countries don’t say
“Hello” to The Undertaker and shake his
hand.
-Agrees to Canada’s terms over
softwood, only to double cross them with the help of
Earl Hebner and Shawn
Michaels.
-Creates a controversial new
economic system: “Thuganomics” where the money of small
children and overweight teenaged girls “trickle
down”…into his pockets.
-Declares war on both France and
Quebec. Just because.
-Misunderstands the 2nd amendment,
and changes it to the “Right to Bare Arms”, encouraging
people to wear tear-away muscle
shirts.
-Hires Jake Roberts to head up the
new and approved D.E.A. Drugs subsequently disappear
completely from the streets, only to later end up in
Jake’s apartment, with his solemn vow to destroy them
…eventually.
-At the behest of Jim Ross, Vince
reinstates the Government Mule
program.
-Finally has the Twin Towers
rebuilt…in the likenesses of Big Bossman and
Akeem.
-Deals with World Diplomacy by
staging a skit where Bin Laden has Saddam Hussein’s head
pulled from his ass.
There we go. I feel a lot better
now.].
The Undertaker Vs. Randy
Orton. ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
/5
Oh, come on. You know how this story ends. A guy
hits his finisher? On Hogan? Hello? No sale, my friend.
Big kick out by Hulk, Hulk up, three punches o’doom, Big
Boot, leg drop. 1,2,3. It’s over. The only time Hulk has
ever been on his back was when he and his wife spawned
Brooke and Nasty Nick, bruther. You should know better.
(or Best…as Hulk apparently
does.).