WWE SUMMERSLAM 2004

WWE

SUMMER

SLAM

2004:

(08/15/04)

Hey there, Rasslin nuts, I'm your venerable host Sean Carless, and welcome to Summer Slam! Pro Wrestling’s answer to the summer games! Only unlike the Olympics, Batista won’t be expected to piss into a cup before he's allowed to compete. Lucky him.

Anyhoo, tonight’s pay-per-view comes to us from Toronto, the land that once convinced Vince that another Hulk Hogan World title reign was a good idea. Thanks a lot, motherfuckers.

Onto the show~!

Paul London, Billy Kidman & Rey Mysterio vs. The Dudleys (Spike, D-Von and Bubba Ray)

Am I the only one who’s noticed that “Boyz” has been dropped from the Dudleys intro? Am I the only one who cares? Probably. Apparently you're only allowed to have the word "boy" as your moniker in this company if you're over forty years old. Makes sense to me.

Anyway, Kidman and London are apparently the "real deal" as a team now, because they finally have matching outfits. Only they looked like they mugged AJ Styles to get them. How very un-phenomenal of them. Poor AJ. I get the visual of him laying naked, face down on the floor, unconscious, and alone. He's just lucky he works for TNA. There's a few people here that might take advantage of a situation like that.

Wait, there’s a match going on here! And it’s very good! London stands out here, actually managing to get a few "oohs" and "ahhs" out of a crowd who probably throws their own grandmothers down the stairs for fun. Then they take the insurance money collected from her death and buy a few Hulk Hogan T-Shirts... BECAUSE THEY'RE LIVING IN THE PAST. From there, London pretty much plays Ricky Morton, only sans mullet, taking the majority of the punishment. It's just then I realize that the babyface team is arguably the lightest six-man tag team in history, and I laugh at the irony that all 3 men combined still weigh less than most of the writers in the IWC by themselves. I then remember I'm a part of that very same IWC and die a little inside. Eventually, a hot tag is made, and a virtual cornucopia of cruiserweight fun batters Little Spike into semi-submission, leaving him prey to a Rey-Rey 619 and a follow-up Kidman shooting star press. And since it's not Wrestlemania, it ACTUALLY CONNECTS. (God forbids shooting star presses at Wrestlemania). Kidman then goes to cover, but gets pulled out by a swollen D-Von to break the pin attempt. Long story short, Kidman eats a 3D by the brothers Dudley, and Spike collects the pin. I'd point out the irony of an incredibly one dimensional Billy Kidman jobbing to a Three dimensional finish, but I'm not that kind of guy. Oh wait. Yes I am.

Winners: Bubba, D-Von and... Spike Dudley. 150 pounds. No shirt. Unruly facial hair. And a load of trouble. You may have seen that episode of Cops. Every week. Forever.

-Video package for Kane/Matt Hardy/Lita. WWE teaches us the life lesson that in order to save your boyfriend's life, it's always smarter to barter yourself for sex with a stalker, and don't even bother to insist the guy wear a condom. What could go wrong?

Matt Hardy w/ Pajamas (and Lita) vs. Kane w/ the glow of a proud papa; "Till death do us part match"

As Lita, plus toasted bun in the oven, makes her way to the ring, Jerry Lawler astutely points out that a now several month pregnant woman is starting to “show”. It’s been three months, Jerry. This does happen. Jesus. Obviously, someone never read “Our Bodies, Ourselves”….then subsequently masturbated to it because he couldn’t find his Dad’s skin mags anywhere. Wait, forget I said that….

Anyway, Matt takes it to Kane early, to save Lita the indignity of having to marry a seven foot demon…. by using a flurry of wrestling action! Yes, I’d think if my woman was at stake, I might do a little more than that; like say running over Kane with a fucking truck or something. But hey, why murder a monster who raped your girlfriend when you can apply HEADLOCKS. That's clearly the better discourse.

The match itself is relatively short, but this is to be expected considering Matt’s injured knee. With that said, after a few hope spots, the match finally ends when Matt, like a total trooper, takes a very stiff top-rope chokeslam to lose the match, and his girlfriend, as is customary in all walks of life. Just the other day, I saw this happy engaged couple, so I surprised the boyfriend with a quick Oklahoma roll, and now I'm the one getting married! And you're all invited! True story. But seriously, Poor Matt. But hey, think of the money he’ll save on child support. There are no losers here! Except the woman who has to give birth to a one eyed baby who can produce fire from his hands. I'd maybe take having a cesarean into consideration. Just saying.

Winner: Kane. (and he didn’t have to blow money on a fucking ring, either!) You are the MAN, Kane. Don’t let anyone ever tell you any different.

-After the bout, Kane tries to embrace his future bride, but much like most women with my advances, Lita chooses to run away in horror. Maybe it's because I'm wearing all black and it's midnight and they don't know me. Who knows. I'm not a mind reader.

-Randy Orton is interviewed backstage by Tard Grisham, but stops in mid-promo, and like me, I automatically assume he’s taken aback by Todd’s stylish emo-glasses for which I too am fascinated. But no, it’s John Cena, and the two share a moment. Wow, can a match between these two be far behind? Please?

Booker T. vs. John Cena, First match in the ~~Best~~ mediocre of seven series (No U.S. Title at stake)

Here were go, a battle between my two favorite African American WWE Superstars. Hey, what do you mean John Cena is really white? Are you sure?....

All kidding aside, I like Cena, I really do, but West Newbury ain't exactly "the 'Hood", despite what WWE will have you believe now. In fact, the only Drive-by's you'll see there, is aging white suburbanites looking for the best garage sales in the neighborhood. And the only "pieces" they have, are their toupees, which you can spot a mile away. Yup.

Anyway, T.O. crowd is really behind Cena here, and the two talk trash to start, then exchange some offense back and forth with no one really getting the upperhand. Anyway, not much to tell here. Booker looks to have things eventually in hand after hitting a big spinebuster, then a flapjack, but Book instead decides to break out the Spinaroonie; however, this allows Cena to pretty much just scoop his ass up and FU him out of nowhere to get the win. (only 6 more matches to go, yo!)

[Sean's note from 2007: They actually shortened the series mysteriously to just a "best of 5" soon after, with two falls mysteriously disappearing from recorded history. Perhaps they took place in Rio De Janeiro? That place seems to always get the big matches~! *Ahem*.]

Winner: John Cena. Loser: Some dude I saw in the crowd with inflatable Cena Word-life hands. I guess the new "WWE, guess who's never been laid?" T-shirt was all sold out? Pity.

(C)"Triple Edge" vs. Batista vs. Y2J; Triple threat match for Intercontinental Title;

I guess Edge finally figured out that perhaps the best way to get a huge push in this company is to actually PHYSICALLY TRANSFORM ONE'S SELF INTO TRIPLE H. Dear lord, the transformation is scary. And as for Triple H himself, well, if Edge all of a sudden gets the hankering for some "big-boned ladies", we may FINALLY see someone else in a World Title match.

[Sean's note from 2007: I don't know what I was thinking there. Edge, steal another man's woman? That'd NEVER happen! *ahem*].

Anyway, first and foremost, I must say that Batista looked uncharacteristically oily tonight. Kind of like what a piece of KFC first looks like when they pull it out of the fryer. Edge & Y2J probably didn't know whether to pin him, or have him served with a blob of potato salad. That being said, this was another short but good match, but in my opinion the whole “triple threat” shtick is getting old, fast. Why is offense so much more lethal when there's one other fucking dude out there? If I was booked in one of these, I'd wear tights made entirely out of whatever the black boxes on airplanes are made of, and carry some Nodoze on me, just to be careful. Yup.

By the way, it has to be said: the crowd absolutely SHIT on Edge... and this was his HOMETOWN! Fucking Toronto. Hell, even ECW crowds circa 1995 are saying “Hey, what a bunch of assholes". Poor Edge. Perhaps if he shaved off 2/3rds of his hair and exposed the business, he'd be EMBRACED HERE. With that said, a good little match here that saw all three men get their stuff in, including Batista's CLOTHESLINE OF DEATH on Jericho. Edge then takes Batista down with a tornado DDT. Animal cruelty! Edge looks for the flying hug (spear) but Jericho intervenes and stops it, because Edge's hugs are LETHAL. Christmas-time is always the most awkward day of the year in the Copeland house. He kills 2 or 3 relatives a season with it. Edge: "Who wants a hug from their Uncle Edge?" Nephews: "No. They feel like dying..."

Anyway, the crowd seemed rabid for a Y2J win (or even a Batista win) so of course they get Edge, who pins Jericho with the spear to retain the title, after Jericho had just spring-board dropkicked Batista off the apron. After the win, Jerry Lawler tries to explain that this reaction is only happening because Toronto is the Bizarro world. But if that was really the case, that'd mean there'd have to be a Jerry Lawler living here that was repulsed at the thought of having sex with 14 year old girls. I'm surprised he'd even bother bringing it up...

Winner & STILL Champion: Edge, who likely is putting on his "I love Tampa" T-shirt as we speak and having no second thoughts about it.

Kurt Angle w/ Luther vs. Eddie Guerrero w/o “Dobber”.

This was a FANTASTIC match and watching it you’d never even known Kurt was off for almost 6 months. You remember, from being "THROWN TO HIS DEATH" by the Big Show? Funny, usually when I'm tossed thirty feet head first onto concrete, I tend to die, and not return to action a handful of months later. But, hey, who knows? Maybe Show whispered in his ear on the way down his super-secret way to survive plunges off roofs. (see Halloween Havoc' 95)

Anyway, they start with a lot of mat work which Eddie surprisingly dominates, but Kurt regains the advantage after Luther gets involved and kicks Eddie in the head... and since Reigns last name isn’t “Jones” or “Tomko” the kick actually connects! Keep this Horshu around, he’s good people. Anyway, the story here is Eddie’s “boot” (at WM 20, Eddie slithered out of the Anklelock when it came off, eventually winning the match, and they tried to use the same psychology here) as Angle removes it himself to add pressure to the ankle lock, which is a hold he kept going back to. Finishing sequence saw, Eddie first miss a frog splash, (No water in the pool! And there wasn't even any relatives waiting with a dinghy either! Ahem), and Angle gets the Angle Slam, which I always assumed was mastered by all members of his family, lest it best be known as the "Kurt Slam" Kurt: "Hi Mom. It's been a while. Wait, why are you floating behind? oh sh..BLARRRRRRGGGH". Yup. Oh ya, the Slam connects but Eddie kicks out at two. (dos?). Angle accidentally bumps the ref, and Eddie takes the boot and nails Kurt right between the eyes. He then goes up and frog splashes Kurt...but he STILL kicks out! "Your splash may work on other Amphibians, Eddie Guerrero, but it's no match for Kurt Angle!" Kurt then suddenly grabs Eddie's foot and applies the anklelock, and uh oh, there's the heel hook. Good bye (Adios?), Eddie. Tap out. Great match. And it was probably best to have Angle go over to re-build his stock. Now if only they could rebuild Kurt himself. Motherfucker's head is probably just being held on by duct tape now.

Winner: Kurt Angle; the man who made us believe all guys in wheel chairs are secretly feigning their condition. Quick, someone tip Christopher Reeve over and see what happens!

HHH vs. Eugene;

Cerebral assassin vs. cerebral….palsy? I don’t know. Anyway, like I suspected, Toronto turned on Eugene, proving they don’t even have sympathy for retards. Assholes. In fact, after they got done booing Eugene, they probably beat up the guy who played “Corky” from Life Goes On and dumped his lifeless body in an alley behind the A.C.C. They then went and pushed a blind guy onto the subway tracks, rubbed an ice cream cone in a diabetics face, hand-cuffed a deaf guy, so all he could do is mumble, then went back home and watched Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock looping over and over again on their VCRs and were content with their day.

In Eugene’s defense, he remained steadfast in his character and pretty much ignored the crowd. Funny, in real-life, disabled people have a harder time ignoring their tormentors. Of course, I'm usually chasing them with my car at the time. But my point still stands. I think.

Anyway, even HHH re-enacting pages 1-300 of the big book of generic heel offense (shoving a woman (in this case Lillian) and “feigning” an injury) tried in vain to turn the crowd, but alas nothing. They still chose to cheer HHH anyway. Although, HHH is big and orange, so that may explain the love somewhat. From there, Eugene took it to HHH after escaping several Pedigree attempts by Trips, then hit a flurry of moves, including the Rock bottom, the Stunner and finally a PEDIGREE of his own, but HHH still kicked out; because he, and he alone is impervious to its nuclear-like power. And he didn't even have to wear on of those Homer Simpson suits. Go figure.

At this point, Ric Flair makes his way to the ring, but so does William Regal. Flair ends up getting K.O.’d by William Regal, who drops Slick Ric with the “power of the punch”. Unfortunately though, Regal wasn’t quick enough to save a distracted Eugene from HHH’s ‘power of the paunch” and Eugene eats a pedigree and gets pinned.

Winner: HHH. Loser: Anyone who thinks raising a special needs child in Toronto is a good idea…

Divas Dodgeball:

Well, we featured a pregnant woman earlier, so it's only natural we get our ABORTION. You gotta know I’m talking about Diva’s dodgeball! A.K.A.: the reason why RVD is passed out in bowl of Fritos backstage and not actually wrestling on the PPV….

With that said, Carmella De(someethniclastnameIcan’tremember) is surprisingly missing from her squad, which stinks, because if anyone knows about having balls slap them in the face it’d definitely be a Playboy model. They could have really used her out there. Team captain, Trish Stratus for the WWE squad, decides to sit this one out, and this makes the squad six vs. six….. But first, let us remember the 5 "d's" of Dodgeball: Dodge, duck, dip, dive ...and dodge. Ok, we can now carry on.

Anyhoo, it is about at this point that I realize I’m recapping a FUCKING DODGEBALL GAME and stop.

Bottom line is the Diva hopefuls actually wipe the floor with the “divas”, as I laugh at the fact that Gail Kim even blows spots in Dodgeball. Haha, her hat fell off. This sucks. I’m done.

After the game, Trish and Victoria get into it, and a FEUD is actually birthed from a game of DODGEBALL! Much like it was in the early turn of the century with Hackenschmidt and Gotch. True story.

Winners: The Diva Search girls. This match clearly needed more Rip Torn and dodging wrenches though, and less everything else.

Undertaker vs. (C) JBL w/ Orlando Jordan; WWE Championship;

The battle between two men best known for burying “stiffs”. With Taker being dead bodies, and Bradshaw unfortunately choosing to bury his in the tender asses of the rookie WWE locker room. I realize he probably never went that far, but once you soap a dude's ass, you pretty much open the floodgates (the ass cheeks?) for these kinds of jokes, FOREVER. Seriously.

Anyway, a very old school feel to this one, as they actually work body parts…despite it eventually having no bearing on the result of the match. Some people might ask "then why do it?", but you know, once you RECAP A FUCKING DODGEBALL GAME ON A WRESTLING PAY-PER-VIEW, small things like this tend to lose their meaning. Kind of like my life right now. And for the record, I think Undertaker honestly needs to decide once and for all if he is a “zombie” or an MMA fighter. I mean, isn't he supposed to be a monster? When was the last time you saw Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers explode into a fucking triangle choke?

Anyhoo, a very boring match, so much so, that the crowd would rather do the wave then even watch. Clearly this means WWE has chosen the right man to hold their (used to be) most prestigious Title. Anyway, eventually, the ref gets bumped which is the law in a WWE Title match, and JBL's Chief of Staff, Orlando Jordan, the only rookie in wrestling history to VOLUNTARILY agree to sit on JBL's staff, ahem, gets involved, distracting Undertaker. JBL then gets the Clothesline from Hell's Kitchen on Taker as Jordan physically forces the unconscious ref to make the count…but Taker still kicks out because he's a corpse and stuff and can't die, so if being lit on fire, crushed, buried, suffocated and god knows what else can't kill him, good luck with your little clothesline. That's right. With that said, Undertaker ends up eventually rallying, and gets a modified “Last Ride”, but Super Bradshaw still kicks out. MONEY has given him the sudden ability to not be pinned by people's finishers. Ok then. Taker then retrieves the title belt brought into the ring by Orlando Jordan (which sounds like a fucking Running Shoe) and stupidly hits JBL with it to draw a DQ; because God knows, when a match is bombing this fucking bad, it's always best to give the already infuriated fans a screwjob finish too.

Winner by DQ: JBL; After the match, to add to the Toronto screwjob, Vince prank calls Bret Hart and pretends to be Owen, HBK sneaks into the Hart house and applies sharpshooters to all his relatives as Earl Hebner rings a makeshift bell, and Shane McMahon runs over Hulk Hogan with a limo. All in a day's work.

-After the match, Taker destroys JBL, throwing him through the windshield of his limo before choke-slamming him through on the roof. Strangely, I got fired from my limo driver's gig for re-enacting this exact scenario the very next night. Guess they weren't wrestling fans. Oh well.

-Wrestlemania XXI vignette. WRESTLEMANIA GOES HOLLYWOOD. Well, if by "Hollywood" you mean fucking Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Nick Turturro and Elvira. I guess "Wrestlemania Goes To That Part Of The Video Store You Forgot Existed" doesn't have the same ring. Go figure.

(C)Chris Benoit w/ home country crowd support? vs. Randy Orton w/ a helluva lot of chinlocks; World Heavyweight Title match;

Fun fact: This is the first RAW World Title match without Trips, to main-event a PPV. Funner Fact: There's nothing we can ever do to change that. Funnest Fact: This and the previous facts are in no way fun. In fact, they're completely fucking depressing.

The obvious premise of this match was to make a “star” out of Orton much like they did with Brock Lesnar. And it worked, at least on this night. I guess we should begin to worry though if by this time next year, we catch Orton clutching an NFL program to his chest, and asking Vince what the market value of a plane is these days...

Anyway, the crowd seemed kind of dead by this point, and even the appearance of the Home Country boy, Chris Benoit didn't do much to sway them unfortunately. Didn't they know he had a long flight from his home in Atlanta just to get here? err I mean EDMONTON. HE'S FROM EDMONTON! Yup.

Great back in forth match here, that really did a good job putting Orton over as credible, while Benoit remained tenacious, like the noble fighting squirrel he is. Or Wolverine. Or whatever. Does Atlanta even have Wolverines? Anyway, Benoit also took a couple of sick bumps in this one with the first being a tope to the barricade, and 2^nd being a diving head-butt attempt face first into Randy’s boot. Ouch.

Eventually, Benoit looks to have things wrapped up when he delivers more Germans than a Hasselhoff concert, before applying the crossface. Orton contorts in all sorts of directions and I mark out for the uniqueness of his selling. He’s a lot like the porn star who needlessly gives the broad that slap on the ass while pounding her from behind; you know, just for good dramatic effect and “showmanship”. So there you go. Randy Orton's wrestling is like a porn star slapping a girl's bare ass before pulling it out and blowing in her face. Wrestling analysis you can only find right here at thewrestlingfan.com! Hey, where are you going?

Anyway, Orton somehow escapes the crossface, and once both are vertical, they exchange several counters before Randy suddenly spins Benoit into the best RKO I’ve ever seen from him. Bam! 1, 2, 3. That’s all she wrote. New Champion! John Q. Smartmark is wiping the tears from his fat face, but I'm curious to see where this actually going. Although, I'm guessing it wouldn't take a ~~retard~~ Eugene to figure out who'll be waiting for Orton now. Still though, big thumbs up for Chris Benoit. I enjoyed his reign while it lasted.

With that said, after the match, Benoit returns to the ring and extends his hand, demanding Randy "be a man"; although, it could be that Benoit just really enjoyed the rap-stylings of one Randy Savage. And who can blame him. Anyway, Orton accepts, a show of respect is seen, and Randy continues his celebration with the obligatory tears of joy, celebrating the fact that he’s now the fake youngest World Champion EVER (It was really Tommy Rich, but it’s probably best we forget about that).

Winner: Randy Orton. Loser: Any overweight teenage girl online who makes RKO message board banners and thinks Randy would ever even talk to them. Why is it, that most semi-good looking celebrities tend to have the ugliest fans? (It's mean, but it's true...), you know, while the ugliest celebrities seem to attract some of the best looking trim out there? It's a MYSTERY..... Full of changes no one sees. God makes a fool of history. I see the line in the sand, time to find out who I am. It's The EEEEEVOLUTIONNNNN..... OK, I'm just singing the Evolution theme song now, and have completely segued out of my previous useless statement. Whatever. But what the hell, it is a catchy tune, so I feel little guilt.

End show.

Final Thoughts: Retards getting sacrificed, hometown boys being run out of town on a rail, wolverines euthanized, grim reapers assault millionaires, strippers get balls in the face, and the crowning of a fake youngest champion ever. What more could you want? A crowd that'd respect what they are watching, instead of doing the fucking wave? Umm, probably. Good show...if you watch it on mute. And for once, I'm not saying that because of the commentary. Thumbs up.

I'm Sean.