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You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my two decade plus tenure as a wrestling fan, it’s that you probably have a better chance of getting hit by lightning then seeing a good movie starring a pro wrestler. And who knows why that is? Maybe it’s dealing with pesky unfamiliar issues thrust upon them like ‘credible writing’ and ‘storyline continuity’ that throws them off their game's? Who knows? However, what I do know is, when someone like Hulk Hogan can convince me that he could carry some 20,000 people in the Trump Plaza to safety from an apocalyptic flood on his “barn door back”, yet, not be able to make me buy that he was an Intergalactic Bounty Hunter, something is definitely wrong. Maybe the two worlds were never meant to mix? It certainly couldn’t be The Hulkster himself. He clearly has talent. You can’t just pretend to bodyslam morbidly obese people like that...

Anyway, this takes us to today, and WWE Films; the latest Vince McMahon foray into non-wrestling ventures, that of course eventually crash and burn because as much as he desperately wants to carve a new niche,  somehow wrestling always seeps its way in. And for whatever reason, the Average Joe just can’t seem to appreciate the nuances of necrophilia, exploiting women, and terrible nonsensical writing in their chosen form of sports or Entertainment. Go figure.


YET, here we are again. Vince continues to plug on, manufacturing films for his wrestlers, like John Cena in The Marine; which in all likelihood will last about as long in Theatres as I would in coital passion with any of the WWE Divas. (which would be some 15 seconds for the record). And of course from there, I look for The Marine to take it’s rightful place in a dusty video store, sandwiched somewhere for eternity amongst Howie Long’s Firestorm and the countless “Shannon Tweed gets boned by her night watchmen" soft-core jerk-fests, to which I’m somewhat ashamed to admit  that I’ve seen most of (or at least 15 minutes each ;). 


Seriously though, I hope that’s not actually the case. I want to see WWE succeed in movies, but I just don’t know, even as kitschy as I am, if  even I will plunk down 8 dollars to watch John Cena utilize the unstoppable power of Hip-hop to single-handedly obliterate foreign terrorism. (He’s got three moves, and ONE gun! Something’s gotta give!). But hey, maybe you will. So all the power to them.

Anyhoo, this takes us to the subject at hand and probable fate of the Marine: WWE STRAIGHT TO DVDs. A look at *possible* future straight-to-rental movie vehicles for the WWE Superstars! And sure, some people will likely say “I see right through you, Sean! This is just another easy update, so you can just make a few pictures, and make fun of some people without really putting a hell of a lot effort into anything.” And to you I say, “Shhhhh. You’re ruining it for everybody!”

So, with that said, let’s get to those features, that I’m sure, someday, someplace, will cause some sort of internal strife in a person digging their grubby paws through a bargain bin, battling with themselves on just what is worth their 95 cents more : Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, or a WWE Films presentation. A truly tough choice if there ever was one.



By Sean Carless




Starring: Hulk Hogan, Animatronic Dinosaurs, and anyone stupid enough to sign a WWE Legends deal.


Tagline: 24 Inch Pythons > 100 Foot Long Dinosaurs, Dude.


Plotline: Vince McMahon creates a theme park, populated with Aging former WWF Superstars; but when a rival Island filled with Dinosaurs goes awry, Hulk Hogan and his crew are called in to thwart the ancient Lizards (not Jake Roberts).


TWF's Take: The Special effects here are just TOP NOTCH. I can't tell you how real it seemed seeing these majestic ancient creatures come to life again. And man, the Dinosaurs looked great too!


With that said, sorry to spoil it for anyone, but the climax is really one that needs to be seen, as Hulk battles a Tyrannosaurus; blocking the beasts third death strike, then unleashing the unstoppable Hogan offense, consisting of a big boot, thunderous bodyslam and crushing LEGDROP, that just by the sheer magnitude of Hulkamania alone, causes all the remaining dinosaurs to keel over dead! (much the way it likely happened millions of years ago. (Hogan was then wrestling as Sterling Golden.)).



Starring: HHH, and the Kliq as the Disciples.


Tagline: This Time, There Is No "Good News".


Plotline: Hunter Hearst Helmsley's take as the savior of humanity; focusing on the life of the Son of God, and detailing his many miracles (One of which is pulling a credible match out of John Cena at Wrestlemania.)


Quirky Note: The entire crucifixion scene was removed, then completely rewritten, as Hunter believed the Romans and Pilate just weren't believable enough to "go over" yet.


TWF's Take: Man, and you thought he was in good with the Father before!


Anyway, memorable scenes for us, include his preaching at the mount of Olives, complete with 5 minute pre-sermon Motorhead (then known as Chariothead for obvious reasons) intro. The sermon itself seemed to rattle on seemingly forever though, as Jesus basically said the same thing over and over again. But hey, whatever. It's not like Simon Peter could carry the company! Anyway, this was all made up for during the famous wedding scene where normally Jesus turns water into wine, but this time, he opts to change the water's constitution into bottled Evian instead... then proceeds to spit it all over the Apostles. Great stuff.



Starring: Dusty Rhodes, WWE Creative, and a boatload of disappointed wrestlers.


Tagline: They're not on Heroin, but boy does their booking make you think that's the case.


Plotline: A group of bright-eyed young WWE creative team members slow decline into hallucinatory madness and addiction to terrible booking, under the eye of Stephanie McMahon and Dusty Rhodes.


TWF's Take: Maybe the most depressing story I've ever seen. Watching these people plunge into the addiction of ridiculous storyline writing was often at times really hard to take. You ask yourself, why these people would throw it all away for the Spirit Squad and the Boogeyman like that? If only someone had intervened earlier. We may have been spared the horrors of Dr. Heiney. If only.




Starring: Pete Rose, Kane and Laura Linney.


Tagline: "And he thought he got a raw deal with the Hall of Fame..."


Plotline: A lawyer (Linney) takes on a negligent homicide case involving a 7 foot monster (Kane) who performed an exorcism on a disgraced former baseball player...


TWF's Take: Meh. How many times can you see a dude get tombstoned before it gets old?... even if it is ridding him of "Demons"? (and the urge to gamble incessantly, of course).




Starring: Vince McMahon, Johnny Ace, and Jim Ross.


Tagline: "WWE has come to terms on the end of Vince McMahon's life. We wish him luck in future endeavors."


Plotline: After a series of booking blunders, Jim Ross is dispatched to Stamford Connecticut to assassinate insane renegade promoter Vince McMahon.


Famous Lines: "I love the smell of firing wrestlers in the morning!" - Johnny Ace.  (Ya, didn't make much sense to us, either).


TWF's Take: This movie will haunt you. Particularly the final scene where Ross finally catches up to Vince, who's seen standing in a hut, in front of a mirror, pants around ankles, observing his bare ass, and muttering "The Horror!... The Horror!"Truer words have never been spoken.





Starring: Ric Flair, Cuba Gooding Jr., Ice Cube.


Tagline: From kiss stealing, wheeling and dealing, to plain old stealing, being a wheel man, and Drug Dealing...


Plotline: After Ric Flair takes a wrong turn and accidentally finds himself in the ghetto, he's confronted by gang bangers, so he flashes the "Horsemen hand signal" in a panic, which actually turns out is their gang sign, and he's subsequently inducted into their crew! Wooooooooooo!


TWF's Take: WWE takes us through every stereotype gang movie scenario here, but with a Nature Boy twist. So, of course it's awesome. Watch in awe as Ric Flair pulls off the world's first ever "drive-by chopping"; and feel for his plight after he's arrested for armed robbery after being easily ID'd because he forgot to change his robe and monogrammed boots before dawning a hood and holding up a store. All the way to the historic gang war scene, where Naitch disarms an entire rival gang using a series of eye pokes and mule kicks.  If you liked Menace 2 Society AND Grumpy Old Men, then this is the film for you!




Starring: Paul Heyman, Tod Gordon, The Sandman,Tommy Dreamer, Shane Douglas.


Tagline: As long as there's promoters out there who actually pay their talent, HeyMan's work is never done.


Famous lines: "For a Billionaire Philanthropist, his checks sure bounce a lot!"


Plotline: After a young Paul Heyman witnesses the horror of his parents bankrupted by a collection agency, he vows to take revenge (and never pay a single bill again.).


TWF's Take: This of course is the origin of HEYMAN, who's story is told from beginning to end. It all starts when Heyman comes to terms with his destiny after falling through a  hole in Stately Heyman Manor (The backyard of their Scarsdale town home) and crashing through a table. The story then completely falls apart by the end when he leaves Gotham in the lurch after skipping town to film Rollerball .




Starring: Kurt Angle, Brock Lesnar, Sable and Karen Angle.


Tagline: "It takes two to pin a man."


Famous Lines:

Kurt: "I think you've just hit a shooting star press... to my heart."


Brock: "Wait. I hit a shooting star press?..."


Plotline: A story about a forbidden and secretive relationship between two Amateur wrestlers and their lives over the years.


TWF's Take: Phenomenal story that proves even in the realm of half naked men fighting in their underwear, homosexuality can still sometimes abound.


Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar play two wrestlers who take a yearly trip into the mountains to practice chain wrestling, and eventually the two men come to grips with the fact that their urges to mount one another into grinding pinning combinations may be due to a little more than just the spirit of competition. Highly recommended.


This just in! Also, available in a garbage bargain bin near you are these amazing offerings from WWE Films:

Alrighty then! See you at the Movies! (I'll be the guy sitting in the darkest corner in a trench coat.).
I'm Sean.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).