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You know, if there’s one
thing I’ve learned in my two decade plus tenure as
a wrestling fan, it’s that you probably have a
better chance of getting hit by lightning then
seeing a good movie starring a pro wrestler. And
who knows why that is? Maybe it’s dealing with
pesky unfamiliar issues thrust upon them like
‘credible writing’ and ‘storyline continuity’ that
throws them off their game's? Who knows? However,
what I do know is, when someone like Hulk Hogan
can convince me that he could carry some 20,000
people in the Trump Plaza to safety from an
apocalyptic flood on his “barn door back”,
yet, not be able to make me buy that he was
an Intergalactic Bounty Hunter, something is
definitely wrong. Maybe the two worlds were
never meant to mix? It certainly couldn’t be The
Hulkster himself. He clearly has talent. You
can’t just pretend to bodyslam morbidly obese
people like that...
Anyway, this takes us to
today, and WWE Films; the latest Vince McMahon
foray into non-wrestling ventures, that of course
eventually crash and burn because as much as he
desperately wants to carve a new niche,
somehow wrestling always seeps its way in. And for
whatever reason, the Average Joe just can’t seem
to appreciate the nuances of necrophilia,
exploiting women, and terrible nonsensical writing
in their chosen form of sports or Entertainment.
Go figure.
YET, here we are
again. Vince continues to plug on,
manufacturing films for his wrestlers, like John
Cena in The Marine; which in all likelihood will
last about as long in Theatres as I would in
coital passion with any of the WWE Divas. (which
would be some 15 seconds for the record). And
of course from there, I look for The Marine
to take it’s rightful place in a dusty video
store, sandwiched somewhere for
eternity amongst Howie Long’s Firestorm and
the countless “Shannon Tweed gets boned by her
night watchmen" soft-core jerk-fests, to which I’m
somewhat ashamed to admit that I’ve seen
most of (or at least 15 minutes each ;).
Seriously though,
I hope that’s not actually the case. I want to see
WWE succeed in movies, but I just don’t know, even
as kitschy as I am, if even I will plunk
down 8 dollars to watch John Cena utilize the
unstoppable power of Hip-hop to single-handedly
obliterate foreign terrorism. (He’s got three
moves, and ONE gun! Something’s gotta give!). But
hey, maybe you will. So all the power to
them.
Anyhoo, this
takes us to the subject at hand and probable fate
of the Marine: WWE STRAIGHT TO DVDs. A look at
*possible* future straight-to-rental movie
vehicles for the WWE Superstars! And sure, some
people will likely say “I see right through you,
Sean! This is just another easy update, so you can
just make a few pictures, and make fun of some
people without really putting a hell of a lot
effort into anything.” And to you I say, “Shhhhh.
You’re ruining it for
everybody!”
So, with that said, let’s get
to those features, that I’m sure, someday,
someplace, will cause some sort of internal strife
in a person digging their grubby paws through a
bargain bin, battling with themselves on just what
is worth their 95 cents more : Police Academy 4:
Citizens on Patrol, or a WWE Films presentation. A
truly tough choice if there ever was
one.
WWE'S STRAIGHT TO DVD
RELEASES!
By Sean
Carless
JURASSIC
PUSH
Starring: Hulk Hogan,
Animatronic Dinosaurs, and anyone stupid enough to
sign a WWE Legends deal.
Tagline: 24 Inch
Pythons > 100 Foot Long Dinosaurs, Dude.
Plotline: Vince
McMahon creates a theme park, populated with Aging
former WWF Superstars; but when a rival Island
filled with Dinosaurs goes awry, Hulk Hogan and
his crew are called in to thwart the ancient
Lizards (not Jake
Roberts).
TWF's Take: The
Special effects here are just TOP NOTCH. I
can't tell you how real it seemed seeing these
majestic ancient creatures come to life again. And
man, the Dinosaurs looked great too!
With that said, sorry to
spoil it for anyone, but the climax is
really one that needs to be seen,
as Hulk battles a Tyrannosaurus; blocking the
beasts third death strike, then
unleashing the unstoppable Hogan offense,
consisting of a big boot, thunderous bodyslam and
crushing LEGDROP, that just by the
sheer magnitude of Hulkamania alone, causes all
the remaining dinosaurs to keel over dead! (much
the way it likely happened millions of years ago.
(Hogan was then wrestling as Sterling
Golden.)).
KING OF
KINGS
Starring: HHH, and the
Kliq as the Disciples.
Tagline: This Time,
There Is No "Good News".
Plotline: Hunter
Hearst Helmsley's take as the savior of humanity;
focusing on the life of the Son of God, and
detailing his many miracles (One of which is
pulling a credible match out of John Cena at
Wrestlemania.)
Quirky Note: The
entire crucifixion scene was removed,
then completely rewritten, as Hunter believed
the Romans and Pilate just weren't believable
enough to "go over" yet.
TWF's Take: Man, and
you thought he was in good with the Father before!
Anyway, memorable scenes for
us, include his preaching at the mount of Olives,
complete with 5 minute pre-sermon Motorhead (then
known as Chariothead for obvious reasons) intro.
The sermon itself seemed to rattle on seemingly
forever though, as Jesus basically said the same
thing over and over again. But hey, whatever. It's
not like Simon Peter could carry the company!
Anyway, this was all made up for during the famous
wedding scene where normally Jesus turns water
into wine, but this time, he opts to change the
water's constitution into bottled Evian instead...
then proceeds to spit it all over the Apostles.
Great stuff.
REQUIEM FOR AN AMERICAN
DREAM
Starring: Dusty
Rhodes, WWE Creative, and a boatload of
disappointed wrestlers.
Tagline: They're not
on Heroin, but boy does their booking make you
think that's the case.
Plotline: A group of
bright-eyed young WWE creative team
members slow decline into hallucinatory
madness and addiction to terrible booking, under
the eye of Stephanie McMahon and Dusty
Rhodes.
TWF's Take: Maybe the
most depressing story I've ever seen.
Watching these people plunge into
the addiction of ridiculous storyline
writing was often at times really hard to take.
You ask yourself, why these people would throw it
all away for the Spirit Squad and the
Boogeyman like that? If only someone had
intervened earlier. We may have been spared the
horrors of Dr. Heiney. If
only.
THE EXORCISM OF PETE
ROSE
Starring: Pete Rose,
Kane and Laura Linney.
Tagline: "And he
thought he got a raw deal with the Hall of
Fame..."
Plotline: A lawyer
(Linney) takes on a negligent homicide case
involving a 7 foot monster (Kane) who performed an
exorcism on a disgraced former baseball
player...
TWF's Take: Meh. How
many times can you see a dude get tombstoned
before it gets old?... even if it is ridding him
of "Demons"? (and the urge to gamble incessantly,
of course).
WWE's APOCALYPSE
SOON
Starring: Vince
McMahon, Johnny Ace, and Jim Ross.
Tagline: "WWE has come
to terms on the end of Vince McMahon's life. We
wish him luck in future
endeavors."
Plotline: After a
series of booking blunders, Jim Ross is
dispatched to Stamford Connecticut to
assassinate insane renegade promoter Vince
McMahon.
Famous Lines: "I love
the smell of firing wrestlers in the
morning!" - Johnny Ace. (Ya, didn't make
much sense to us, either).
TWF's Take: This movie will haunt you.
Particularly the final scene where Ross finally
catches up to Vince, who's seen standing in a
hut, in front of a mirror, pants around
ankles, observing his bare ass,
and muttering "The
Horror!... The
Horror!"Truer words have never been
spoken.
NATURE BOYZ N' THE
HOOD
Starring: Ric Flair,
Cuba Gooding Jr., Ice Cube.
Tagline: From kiss
stealing, wheeling and dealing, to plain old
stealing, being a wheel man, and Drug
Dealing...
Plotline: After Ric
Flair takes a wrong turn and accidentally
finds himself in the ghetto, he's confronted
by gang bangers, so he flashes the "Horsemen
hand signal" in a panic, which actually turns
out is their gang sign, and he's subsequently
inducted into their crew! Wooooooooooo!
TWF's Take: WWE takes
us through every stereotype gang movie scenario
here, but with a Nature Boy twist. So, of course
it's awesome. Watch in awe as Ric Flair pulls off
the world's first ever "drive-by chopping"; and
feel for his plight after he's arrested for armed
robbery after being easily ID'd because he forgot
to change his robe and monogrammed boots
before dawning a hood and holding up a store. All
the way to the historic gang war scene, where
Naitch disarms an entire rival gang using a series
of eye pokes and mule kicks.
If you liked Menace 2
Society AND Grumpy Old Men, then this is the film
for you!
HEYMAN BEGINS
Starring: Paul Heyman,
Tod Gordon, The Sandman,Tommy Dreamer, Shane
Douglas.
Tagline: As long as
there's promoters out there who actually pay their
talent, HeyMan's work is never done.
Famous lines: "For a
Billionaire Philanthropist, his checks sure bounce
a lot!"
Plotline: After a
young Paul Heyman witnesses the horror of his
parents bankrupted by a collection agency, he vows
to take revenge (and never pay a single bill
again.).
TWF's
Take: This of course is the origin of
HEYMAN, who's story is told from beginning to end.
It all starts when Heyman comes to terms with his
destiny after falling through a hole in
Stately Heyman Manor (The backyard of their
Scarsdale town home) and crashing through a table.
The story then completely falls apart by the end
when he leaves Gotham in the lurch after skipping
town to film Rollerball
.
BROKEN FREAKIN' NECK
MOUNTAIN
Starring: Kurt Angle,
Brock Lesnar, Sable and Karen Angle.
Tagline: "It takes two
to pin a man."
Famous Lines:
Kurt: "I think you've
just hit a shooting star press... to my
heart."
Brock: "Wait. I hit a shooting star
press?..."
Plotline: A story
about a forbidden and secretive relationship
between two Amateur wrestlers and their
lives over the
years.
TWF's
Take: Phenomenal story that proves
even in the realm of half naked men
fighting in their underwear, homosexuality can
still sometimes abound.
Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar
play two wrestlers who take a yearly trip into the
mountains to practice chain wrestling, and
eventually the two men come to grips with the fact
that their urges to mount one another into
grinding pinning combinations may be due to a
little more than just the spirit of
competition. Highly
recommended.
This just in! Also, available
in a garbage bargain bin near you are
these amazing offerings from WWE
Films:
Alrighty then! See you at the
Movies! (I'll be the guy sitting in the darkest
corner in a trench
coat.).
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured AIDS.
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Carless | 
