RECAPITATION BREAKDOWN

If I've gotten one question in last couple of years from the readers of TWF, it's been "how come you haven't archived your Pay-per-view Rants where they'd all be readily available to choose from?". Ok, Ok, only maybe three people asked that; but for those 3, AMAZING, REALLY AWESOME people, who care about LOST TREASURES, I finally have an answer! Introducing a page, where you, John Q. Fatbody can finally have full access to my full gamut of recappery (it is too a word!); dating back the ENTIRE history of TWF, and originating from the last week of March 2003... when one man had a dream to start a wrestling site wherein his twisted, tasteless, overly-sarcastic view of the sport of kings could be finally voiced. The problem there was, the site in question was one huge neon green blob of bullshit, and a total eye-sore; mostly because I was too fucking lazy to choose anything but a shitty Geocities template. It's true. But one thing that was birthed from this horrible, horrible beginning, is what would go onto be my trademark, and that is a completely tongue-in-cheek review of pay-per-views done in my patented "Stream of consciousness" style. While everyone else online was doing blow by blow recapping, giving their two cents and judging wrestlers, I chose to instead write a review of wrestling in a rambling, ridiculous, incoherent manner, putting down my stupid views and observations, making joke after tasteless joke in much the way I do with friends while actually watching wrestling. The end result was a recap that was 90% satire, 10% recap, and pretty much the foundation in which TWF was originally built. (months before the first Back-Leg Frontkick was ever written, I often used these as my creative outlet for complete unbridled insanity).

So, that's how we came to this moment. As, I, in the last two weeks, retrieved many of these lost recaps (lost when TWF went from the "big red page of death" of 2003-2004, to what you all see today) and reformatted them and brought them back from the dead, so that they may once again offend you all over again. That's right. Call me the George Lucas of the IWC; But I just had to bring them back for one more sweet, sweet payday.

However, before we move forward, allow me to first clear up a few questions surrounding these recaps, or "Rants" as they were technically known by for almost four years. The term "Rant", as most of you know, was coined in the wrestling connotation by Scott Keith many years ago; but being that I was but a struggling unheard of writer at the time, I chose to also call my recaps "Rants", because A) what I do is NOT really a recap; and the term "Rant" conveyed my own opinion or view, as opposed to legitimate unbiased recapping of the particular event. And B) I cleverly encoded the term "Rant" in so many fucking meta-tags, that soon the terms "Raw Rant" "Smackdown Rant" and "PPV Rant" instantly led to us FIRST, as opposed to 411 or later Inside Pulse, on the Google search listings. The same can be said of "ECW Rant" and "TNA Impact Rant" today. So, you see, it was less an homage to Scott Keith, and more a GENIUS MARKETING TOOL. So, thank you, Scott Keith. You magnificent bastard. Because of a word you coined in reference to wrestling, TWF was able to grow exponentially off of you and your very hard work. So I'd like to thank you. You can seek solace in the fact that I at least partially lined your pockets by buying your book. So we're even. :)

The other thing some may have been curious about is my strange rating system. That being the oft-smiling visage of one Iron Mike Tenay. Since TWF's inception, Mike Tenay became sort of a status symbol, and somewhat of the mascot of TWF itself. In fact, I chose his face as my original website avatar for many years, which ironically enough led many to believe that I ACTUALLY WAS Mike Tenay. Sadly, I am not. In any event, the rating system itself doesn't imply any sort of snooty over-inflated standard of judgment of things like "workrate" and what not, but rather my personal enjoyment of the overall contest, and the story being told itself. If I loved it, it got 5 smiling Tenay visages (). And of course it would slide from there, based on my enjoyment or lack thereof of what I was watching at the time. The only time the FURIOUS Mike Tenay () appears, is when I'd sooner burn my eyes out Neo-in-Matrix-Revolutions-style then sit through a particular match again. You see, I chose this as the visual icon of my disdain, because that was the same face Mike Tenay used three years ago when he furiously labeled Goldilocks (former TNA interviewer) a WHORE. And he did so with such unbridled rage and contempt that I had no choice but to adopt it as my personal status symbol of disapproval; as I felt its absolute fury best suited representing the emotion I feel when a match is the drizzling shits. In fact, you'll find that Mike Tenay possesses perhaps the greatest emoting ability in history, and his various faces of displeasure/annoyance/rage are to be celebrated. Much like it was here. So, with that said, who better to physically represent the emotion of all forms of wrestling enjoyment than Mike Tenay? There you go.

And finally, here's something that I am revealing for the first time ever; and perhaps it's something you've been curious about. And that is: the constant Lita, Bradshaw and Pat Patterson jokes, popping up over the last 4 years. Well, finally, the truth is out: In 2003, during the site's inception, my best friend bet me that I couldn't find a way to fit particular libelous insults on any of these three individuals into a Rant, and have them be in context to what was being written. And if I could, he'd pay me one dollar for every successful jab I got in. These "jabs" as they were, were of course based off of certain stupid unproven urban legends. Those being that JBL sexually assaults rookies in hazing rituals, Lita slept with various well known luchadors in exchange for training, and Pat Patterson, who was once accused of sexual misconduct and fired (temporarily) from the company, handpicked Sylvan Grenier for a career in pro wrestling in exchange for sexual favors. Now, none of these can be proven (although, Edge alluded to JBL soaping his ass in the shower in his book), and in all honesty, I have nothing against any of them (in fact, I love JBL and have always dug Lita), but a CHALLENGE WAS A CHALLENGE; and what are scruples when there's cash moneys to be made! That's right. So yes, my secret is out. And yes, I'll continue to make these jokes whenever I can because the bet is eternal and I've already amassed over two hundred dollars. (seriously.). So, there you go.

Now, with that said, let me close by saying I LOVE pro wrestling, and even though my writings could potentially convey the opposite, I'm just one sarcastic motherfucker. There's no ill-will, hatred or malice (well, maybe to Bob Holly) involved at all. I just turn everything into a joke, no matter how small, trivial, inconsequential or flat out stupid. That's just how I roll. I've always liked to think that my writing reads as a Roast, and that people would take it in good humor. After all, the fact that I remember more of the lineage of the fucking Intercontinental Title in detail then the names of potential (or in some cases current) girlfriends has to mean I loves me this sport! So you guys and gals keep ripping shit up in the ring, and I'll continue to make fun of the dumber side of things. After all, the fact I buy EVERY SINGLE pay-per-view, and lived through both Katie Vick and Dr. Heiney pretty much says I've earned the right to make whatever fucking stupid jokes I want....