Yeah, yeah, I know
it's been a while since I've been here. Long story
short, the last two weeks have been insanely busy for
me. Even this week has been busy, with next week not
looking any better. So for this week and the next, I'll
be relying on the ever-popular YouTube for the recaps
and axing the Commercial Thoughts. Or thoughts of any
kind. My brain hurts.
Tonights main event will be Edge
vs. former crony Big Show. And here to kick off the show
is Edge, who I guess is filling in for Batista as the
guy who always ends and/or begins the show. A replay of
Edge taking down The Miz is shown as Edge starts things
off by saying he feels sorry for Chris Jericho. This is
because Jericho keeps talking about how he's going to
destroy Edge, only to get speared each time. Edge tells
us this will continue to happen for weeks to come. Um,
yay subtlety? Big Show waddles out and hilariously
dangles on of the tag belts in front of a small child,
yanking it away before the kid could touch it. Taunting
small children always makes me happy. Big Show says the
real reason he's here tonight is to find out who he and
Miz will be facing at WrestleMania, but he'll be happy
to beat Edge up as well. Show warns Edge that he "eats
pieces of crap like you for breakfast", leading to a
predictable, but still funny "Wait, you eat crap for
breakfast?!" from Edge. Only Edge could make PG WWE
funny. Edge teases a spear, causing Show to back up in
fright. Pissed he fell for such a trick, Show charges,
only to miss and tumble over the ropes.
Teddy Long is in the back looking
over the new Shawn Michaels DVD. Wait, didn't he kick
you in the face a few weeks ago? Is Teddy studying HBK?
Could we see the unholy reunion of Teddy Long and his
main playa, THE UN-DA-TAY-KAH?! MAKE IT HAPPEN. NOW.
Drew McIntyre interrupts and wants Teddy to say
something. Teddy obliges and states that McIntyre's loss
to Kane last week has been expunged from the records by
order of Mr. McMahon. McIntyre will now recieve another
chance to qualify for Money in the Bank against Matt
Hardy.
Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs.
Matt Hardy (Non-title Money in the Bank Qualifying
Match)
Before the match, we get a replay
of McIntyre's match with Kane that I missed last week
and-wait a minute! McIntyre lost just because Kane
kicked him in the face? LAME. My God, Kane is so lame.
While men like Evan Bourne and Yoshi Tatsu will miss
out, Kane will be in Money in the Bank to throw shit and
chokeslam people. God, you are so
worthless.
After the obligatory lock-up,
Matt slaps on a headlock (and not a tornado as the song
would suggest), but McIntyre escapes and hits a high
elbow for a 1 count. McIntyre applies a headlock of his
own, but Matt escapes with a pair of armdrags for 2.
Matt clotheslines McIntyre out of the ring, then tries
to dive onto him, but McIntyre blocks this and drops
Hardy on the barricade. Matt rolls back into the ring as
we go to the break that I cannot see.
We return to find McIntyre
working another headlock, then hitting a neckbreaker for
2. A Northern Lights suplex also gets 2. Drew tries to
apply another submission, but Matt escapes and heads up
top. McIntyre follows and tries to hit a superplex, but
Matt shoves him off and hits the top rope elbow drop.
Matt signals for the Twist of Fate, but McIntyre blocks
it and tries for the Future Shock DDT. Matt shrugs him
off, but Drew tries for a jackknife roll-up. Hardy
reverses into a small package and gets the win.
LAME.
WINNER: Matt
Hardy. And I'm really beginning to see how fat the dude
is. Seriously, are fat dudes, amateur wrestlers, and
Kane the right choices for a high-flying, exciting
ladder match? And the sad thing is, this ladder match
will STILL be better than last year's.
McIntyre gets all pissy, throwing
chairs about and kicking the announce desk. McIntyre
goes to Striker and swears to him that he will be at
WrestleMania. Sorry Drew, but you're starting to run out
of opponents. I doubt you want your first WrestleMania
moment to be "My Intercontinental Title Defense Against
Kung Fu Naki".
Shelton Benjamin vs. Dolph
Ziggler
Now here's two guys who belong in
Money in the Bank. Shelton starts things off with a
headlock, then hits a shoulder block. Dolph manages to
apply the sleeper hold, but Shelton counters with a
jawbreaker. Ziggler manages to dodge a Stinger Splash,
then rolls Shelton up for 2. A dropkick also gets 2, as
Ziggler begins to work a headlock. Shelton tries to
escape, but Ziggler hits a neckbreaker for 2. A jumping
elbow drop also gets 2. Ziggler goes for a monkey flip,
but Shelton lands on his feet and hits an impressive
backbreaker. A German suplex with a bridge follows for
2. Ziggler manages to throw Shelton in the corner and
tries for another sleeper hold, but Shelton backs him
into a corner and hits a fucked up version of Paydirt
for the win.
WINNER: Shelton
Benjamin.
We learn that the three teams
contending for a shot at ShowMiz will be The Hart
Dynasty, Cryme Tyme, and...John Morrison and R-Truth?
Hello easy way to get these two to 'Mania. Couldn't we
just put them in MitB and let the Hart's fight
ShowMiz?
Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Ezekiel
Jackson
Allow me to be the first to tell
you that Zeke's entrance music, "Domination", is
probably the best music in the WWE right now. Yeah, I
said it. I sing this thing when I'm walking the halls at
school, I listen to it when I'm running, and I sing it
with my brother in the car. Yeah, we're that
awesome.
Wait a second, there's a match
going on here! Jimmy starts things off with some kicks,
but Zeke hits an impressive shoulder block to put an end
to that. Trapped in the corner, Jimmy tries a few more
kicks before leaping at Zeke, but Zeke catches him and
finishes him off with The Book of Ezekiel.
WINNER: Ezekiel
Jackson.
Backstage, Rey Mysterio brings
his daughter an action figure. Because that's what
little girls love: action figures. Rey also introduces
former ECW General Manager Tiffany as her babysitter.
From General Manager to babysitter. This economy is
hurting all of us. And considering how Rey is feuding
with the Straightedge Society, I would not leave your
child in the hands of someone as incompetent as Tiffany.
In the future, I suggest using Big Zeke.
Luke
Gallows W/ CM Punk and Serena vs. Rey
Mysterio
Pre-match, Punk goes on a tirade
about how children love Rey Mysterio because their
parents suck at parenting. This segues into Punk making
a cheap shot at Rey's parenting skills, then telling
Luke to make Rey pay for costing Punk his match last
week.
Gallows begins the match by
unleashing a flurry of blows on Rey, then hitting a back
suplex. Rey responds with a hurricarana, but Gallows
hits a shoulder charge to put an end to Rey's offense.
Gallows tries to hit a second shoulder charge, but Rey
ducks and sends Gallows out of the ring as we go to the
break.
We return to see Gallows utilize
his heel powers by hitting a big clothesline, then
block a springboard move and toss Rey into the steel
post. Gallows tosses Rey back into the ring and hits a
belly-to-belly slam for 2. Gallows applies a chinlock,
then hits a fallaway slam for 2. Rey manages to dodge a
corner charge and hit a seated senton, following that
with a springboard crossbody for 2. Gallows blocks a
Mysterio charge with another clothesline for 2. Rey
turns a suplex attempt into a modified X-Factor, then
goes up top. Gallows punches Rey in the stomach as he
goes for a crossbody, then hits a big splash for 2.
Gallows tries to put Rey in a bearhug, but Rey instead
applies some sort of sleeper hold, wearing Gallows down
and sending him into the ropes. Serena manages to block
a 619 attempt and Punk slides into the ring. Rey chases
Punk off, then hits a seated senton on Gallows to get
the 3 count.
WINNER: Rey
Mysterio. Punk runs back into the ring and tries to hit
the GTS, but Rey slips out, kicks Punk in the back of
the leg, and runs off. The Straightedge Society seethes
as Rey gloats, with Punk continuing to sell the leg as
if he was shot.
Backstage, Big Show's dressing
room is invaded by Chris Jericho, who congratulates Show
on his tag team run with The Miz before asking him to
hurt Edge tonight. Show says he doesn't owe Jericho
anything, then leaves, trying to show off the tag belts
as he exits. Um, Show, Jericho's kind of the World
Heavyweight Champion right now. He could care less about
your tag titles.
John
Morrison and R-Truth vs. The Hart Dynasty vs. Cryme Tyme
(Winners Recieve a Tag Team Title Match at
WrestleMania)
Morrison and Shad start things
off, with Morrison getting the upper hand. Morrison goes
for the Chuck Kick, but Shad catches him and hits a
spinebuster for 2 as we go to the break.
Back from the break, JTG is in
and working a headlock on Morrison. JTG tags to Shad,
who...has Tyson Kidd tag in, who then tags in David Hart
Smith. My God, stop tagging! Smith hits a trio of
belly-to-back suplexes for 2. Morrison manages to hit a
shoulderblock on Smith, who tags to Kidd. Kidd takes out
Cryme Tyme, allowing Morrison to tag R-Truth. Truth
enters with a house of FI-YAH and after Morrison takes
out Shad and Smith with a flying bodypress, he hits a
corkscrew elbow on Kidd to win it.
WINNERS: John
Morrison and R-Truth. The two celebrate by dancing, with
Morrison busting out some awesome breakdancing moves. Go
J-Mo, go J-Mo, GO!
Backstage Michelle McCool and
Layla are sucking up to Vickie Guerrero in a manner most
annoying. They give Vickie a "Simply Flawless" tank top
as I wonder, in all seriousness, if they make those
shirts for men. Beth Phoenix appears, scaring off
Michelle and Layla, which makes me very happy. Beth asks
Vickie when she will get a shot at the Women's
Championship. Vickie tells her to piss off, so Beth
tries to intimidate her. Vickie warns her that she
better back off or suffer the same fate as Mickie
James.
Big
Show vs. Edge
Big Show hits a headbutt and
crushes Edge's chest with his foot. Chops and more
stomps ensue. Edge manages to get back on the offensive
by shoving Show into the steel post, but Show comes back
with another headbutt. Is anyone noticing a pattern?
Edge escapes a headlock, but Show hits a scoop slam,
then goes up top for a Vader Bomb. Somewhere, Jack
Swagger is shaking his head and chuckling to himself. As
expected, Show whiffs, and Edge hits a diving bulldog
for 2. Show recovers quickly and signals for a
chokeslam, but Edge hits a DDT and follows it up with a
spear to win it.
WINNER: Edge.
Suddenly, a feathered tuft of hair is seen running
through the crowd as Jericho leaps over the barricade
and tries to hit Edge with the title belt. Edge ducks
and hits another spear.
Well, that was fun. Expect more
of the same next
week.
