Recap for August 27,
2010
Tonight’s
show is coming to us from Fresno, California, which
really doesn’t mean that much in the grand scheme of
things.
Before
we get to this evening’s recap, let’s take care of some
administrative tasks, shall we?
First,
this week’s Unofficial Sponsor of the Week. This week’s
recap is sponsored by Six Flags Great Adventure. Their Web site
describes it as a, “2200-acre park featuring awesome
rides, great shows, and incredible attractions!” I call it the
only good thing in New
Jersey!
Next,
let me let loose with my non-wrestling rant of the
week. This
week’s rant is pretty simple, but its topic drives me
insane: people who mispronounce the word,
“pamphlet.”
Lately, I’ve been hearing more people pronounce
it, “pamp-let” instead of, “pam-flet.” Seriously folks,
did Hooked on Phonics not work for you? Do you talk on
the “tele-PONE?”
The “ph” makes an “F” sound, you nimrods. English
lesson…complete.
Well tonight we’re
treated to two matches from the $50 PPV! One of them,
Ziggler vs. Kingston, we’re going
to see for the one hundredth time! I thought this
was supposed to be an upgrade from
Superstars.
Wow,
we’re not screwing around tonight, as we immediately
start with…
Rey Mysterio vs. Kane (No Disqualification
Match)
It
seems as though Rey is rewarded for his loss last week
by getting a match with the champion! That makes
sense, since Randy Orton has broken about every rule in
the book and he’s been a main eventer for about 67 years
now.
Kane
actually looks like he’s lost a little weight, which’ll
make the fact that he moves like an elm tree even more
pronounced.
Kane
flings Mysterio out of the ring right away, and then
drops him throat first over the security wall. Since this match
is no DQ, Kane grabs one of about eight kendo sticks
that are conveniently laid out under the ring. Rey, however,
jumps Kane and hits him with his own bamboo stick. Kane, as he is
apt to do, no-sells the cane shots and boots Rey in the
head straight away. This allows Kane to go back on the
painfully slow offensive.
Next,
because Kane’s winded from his two moves, he applies a
rest hold from which Rey quickly escapes. Rey tries to do
a springboard something or another, but Kane big boots
him again.
Kane follows Mysterio outside, but Rey trips him
into the ring steps and follows with a seated senton off
the announce table. Just as things
pick up…we go to commercial.
Awesome.
Dude,
I don’t think a move could interest me less than this
stupid Takers movie.
Don’t
be a puppet, but do what they tell you in the anti-drug
commercials!
If
you buy a Droid, you will turn into a cyborg and Skynet
will use you to take over the world!!
When
we return, Rey leaps right into a Kane uppercut. Kane
follows this up with a pair of punches and a sloppy
chinlock.
He turns this into a neck wrench, and then back
into a chinlock.
Rey lands three knees to the head, but runs right
into a Dino Bravo side slam. If only Kane
would hire Frenchy Martin, he would be the man! Kane heads
outside to get a chair, but Rey kicks it away. He follows with
another seated senton and a flying head scissors. This sets up
Kane for the 619, but Kane no-sells that. Rey fights back
with a chop block and a chair shot to the back of Kane’s
leg. He
hits one more chair shot that sets Kane up for the 619,
and Rey hits it (albeit weakly). Rey tries to
finish things off, but Kane catches Mysterio and
chokeslams him onto the chair. Kane pins Rey
for the three count.
Winner:
Kane
Rating: 
This
match really was average at best, but I’m going to give
Rey an extra half star because he really tried to carry
Kane’s sorry ass.
Kane really is terrible.
As
Rey is helped out of the ring, Alberto Del Rio comes out
to be arrogant and rub the loss in his face. Del
Rio humorously acts concerned for
Rey, going so far as to ask the doctor if Rey’s going to
be okay.
However, Del Rio flips the
script and attacks Rey out of nowehere!! SWERVE! See, he ACTED
concerned, but he really WASN’T!! The crowd boos
the holy hell out of Del Rio, who is already
a better heel than most of the WWE roster.
After
walking half way up the ramp, Del
Rio decides he’s not quite done,
so he grabs a chair, puts Rey’s arm in it, and slams it
into the ring post (ouch!). To punctuate
this attack, Del Rio says there’s a
new “rey” in the WWE. And because I
had high school Spanish, I know that “rey” means
“king.” I
also know that “Donde esta la bibliotecha?” means,
“Where is the libarary?” Decent little
segment there.
When
we return, we get to relive Rey’s misery. The announcers
act like we’ve just watched a puppy get put in a bag and
get hit with a bat.
Well,
no time is wasted as we go to…
C.M. Punk vs.
JTG
The
SES looks relatively coordinated tonight; while JTG has
decided to go back to the Nelly-rip-off that he used to
be…I think those two were separated at
birth.
Anyway,
Punk tries to start off quickly, but JTG reverses a
couple of moves before Punk stomps the living crap out
of him, following up the beating with an Irish
whip/clothesline to the corner and a series of elbows
and knee lifts.
JTG gets one punch in before Punk resumes his
beating.
Punk lands the running knee in the corner (The
Pepsi One) and follows with a bulldog. He hits the GTS,
but doesn’t go for the pin, opting instead to apply the
anaconda vice, forcing JTG to tap
out.
Winner:
CM Punk
Rating: 
That
was pretty much a squash match, allowing C.M. Punk to
get a win before the Big Show ultimately destroys
him. As for
you, JTG, welcome to the land
of Iron Mike
Sharpe, Boris Zukhov, and
Funaki!
After
the match, Punk yells at the SES and tells Gallows he’s
going to lose to the Big Show later tonight…or something
like that.
After
that, we head to the back, where the WWE jumps on the
Shake-Weight mocking bandwagon waaaay too late, since
SNL parodied it weeks ago. You can see the
skit at http://www.hulu.com/watch/143264/saturday-night-live-shake-weight-dvd. Then, I’m
punished for recent sins by having to sit through a
Hornswoggle/Teddy Long skit. The point? Midgets are
retarded.
900
episodes of RAW!!
They should get Hugh Hefner to host, since he’s
900 years old.
M.
Night Shamalamadingdong really needs to hang up his
hat. He’s
the Alicia Silverstone of directors. After Clueless,
she didn’t do anything worth a crap; after Sixth Sense,
he’s gotten progressively worse.
Upon
our return from the commercials, we are treated to the
RAW Rebound.
On RAW, Zack Ryder was made to look like a
complete tool.
Perhaps he and JTG can have lunch together and
discuss their futures as WWE enhancement talent. After trying to
skirt a real title shot, Sheamus is told by a computer
that he’s got to face five guys at the next PPV, only
one (maybe two if you count Edge) of whom real wrestling
fans give a crap about.
Next,
we go back to next Friday to see Kofi Kingston get his
ass handed to him by Dolph Ziggler. That beating has
earned Kingston another title
shot! I’m
assuming that both JTG and Zack Ryder will both be
getting additional title shots soon,
too!
Seriously,
no matter how many times you show me this Takers
commercial, I’m not going to see the stupid
movie.
Shiiiit…another
frickin’ Cody Rhodes skit. I’m going to be
completely honest with you, I actually laughed out loud
this time.
I really can’t even comment on how stupid these
skits are, but if the goal is to make Rhodes look like a semi-gay
tool…they’re working.
The
WWE then balances the bad with the good, as the next
match is…
Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi
Kingston
If
Ziggler gets disqualified, he loses the IC strap. I’m sure this
match won’t end cleanly, as none of the other five or
six iterations of it haven’t. And why does
Kingston still have
Jamaican music if he’s from nowhere near there?
Whatever.
Kingston
starts off with some vicious kicks, but Ziggler quickly
hauls ass.
This doesn’t stop Kingston from attacking
him on the outside. Kingston tosses Ziggler
back in the ring and goes for a quick cover that only
gets one.
Kingston follows up
with a clothesline and another pin. Kingston tries to finish things off
with Trouble in Paradise early, but Ziggler holds
on to the ropes and lands an uppercut. Unfortunately
for Dolph, he can’t follow up, as Kofi hits the ranhei
that he turns into a pin attempt that gets two. As Kofi argues
with the ref, we go to commercials. This is a weird
place to stop things.
We
return to see Kingston miss a leg
drop from the top rope. Striker makes me
mentally puke by commenting on how Vicki jiggles when
she claps.
In the ring, Kingston continues to
beat Ziggler until Ziggler lands a wicked-looking
boot. He
follows up with the high leaping elbow drop, and a
resthold that Kofi quickly escapes from. Ziggler avoids
another Trouble in Paradise and Kofi hits the ranhei
AGAIN.
Didn’t wee see this two minutes ago? It wasn’t all
that great the first time! Kingston gets a three
count, but Ziggler grabs the bottom rope. Kingston is pissed, and
then runs into the ring post as Ziggler moves out of the
way of a corner charge. Ziggler follows
with a Mr. Perfect rolling neck snap and a Rude
Awakening.
Way to steal moves from two of my favorite
wrestlers EVER!
Ziggler continues to dominate with an arm bar,
but Kingston punches out,
only to fall prey to a sleep that lasts about three
seconds.
While the ref’s back is turned, Vicki smacks
Kingston, drawing the
ire of Ziggler, who doesn’t want to get
disqualified.
Ziggler, however, continues to beat on Kingston. Kingston escapes from
another pin attempt, so Ziggler applies a rear chinlock
to soften him up a little more. Ziggler fights
to his feet and lands a trio of punches and a Jimmy
Snuka double chop. A quick back and forth ends with
Kingston landing a
Tatanka chop from the corner. STOP STEALING
MOVES! Kofi
doesn’t listen, as he steals Christian’s upside corner
kick. He
heads to the top, and Ziggler has to jump so Kingston can properly
hit the flying cross body. Kingston lifts Ziggler
and tries to hit that rolling thing a third time. Ziggler escapes,
hits a quick fireman’s carry and gets a two count on a
pin attempt.
He tries to follow with a Zig Zag, but Kingston grabs the
ropes.
Kingston sends Ziggler
to the outside and follows with another flying cross
body block.
Somehow, the two men are outside for 90 minutes
and the ref is only on two on his count. At eight,
Kingston rolls in the
ring, but Vickie keeps Ziggler outside, drawing the
loss…but not the loss of the belt. She’s a clever
one, that Vickie.
Did I say, “clever?” I meant,
“cloven-hoofed.”
I make that mistake all the
time.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
(by countout)
Rating:
I
would’ve rated this at least a star higher if they
wouldn’t have repeated an entire sequence. I’m also not a
fan of these stupid endings. They really have
something against making Dolph Ziggler look
credible.
When
we get back, we go back to Kane’s monotonous speech from
last week…piss break.
When
I return to the couch, it’s time
for…
Jack Swagger vs. MVP (in a gimmick match
with a stupidly long
name)
Just
so we can prepare ourselves for what is sure to be an
epic encounter, we go to commercials after Swagger’s
introduction.
Essentially,
it’s high school wrestling until MVP punches Swagger and
gets disqualified.
Winner
(in the loosest sense of the word):
Jack Swagger
Rating:
That
was stupid. At least William
Regal’s old WCW Marquess of Queensberry matches were
funny because the rules changed every
match.
I
took a phone call and missed a little bit of what
happened.
When I got off the phone, I was treated
to…
Alberto Del Rio vs. Carlos (Dirty?)
Sanchez
If
Del Rio is so rich, why does he have to drive in his own
car? Even
JBL got a driver!
Another
quick observation…Del Rio’s music sounds like the music
from The Three Amigos movie.
A
quick tieup sees Del Rio back Sanchez into the corner,
slap him, and then beat el poopoo out of him. Del Rio follows
up with a German suplex and a lovely smile. After this, he
clamps on a rear chinlock. Sanchez escapes,
but is quickly beaten back down. Del Rio misses a
corner charge, which allows Sanchez to land a few
forearms.
Del Rio lifts Sanchez and props him on the top
rope. When
Del Rio goes to break, he winks at Sanchez and
humorously shoves the guy off the top rope to the
floor. When
Sanchez gets back in the ring, Del Rio locks on the
cross arm breaker to get the submission
win.
Winner: Alberto Del
Rio
Rating:
Like
last week, one star for the match, one for Del Rio’s
delightful smile, and one for his impish wink. The man is just
a treat to watch!
Now I’m going to eat some chicken salad finger
sandwiches and watch Beaches!
Big Show (with Kelly Kelly) vs. Luke
Gallows (with Joseph Mercury and Serena)
Striker
and Todd Grisham neglect to say that Undertaker’s
opponent on the first RAW was Damien Demento!!!
BASTARDS!
Big
Show beats the hell out of Gallows without even taking
off his shirt.
Big Show tosses Gallows about six feet by his
head, and then hits an open-handed chop on Gallows as
he’s laid on the announce table. Gallows gets
some shots in as Big Show gets in the ring, but Big Show
no-sells.
Gallows tries again, but Big Show no-sells
again. Big
Show even no-sells his no-selling, as he hits his punch
and ends this suckfest.
Winner: Big
Show
Rating:
That
sucked.
Damn
it! The
“main event” is The Undertaker talking? Seriously? At least on
Superstars the main events were always matches! Sometimes they
involved Michelle McCool, but at least they were
matches!
Seriously,
UFC, your action figures look horrible…they rank a point
or two under Go-Bots and those ripoff G.I. JOE men they
used to sell at Walgreens.
After
the commercials, the Undertaker gimps his way to the
ring.
Seriously, mold grows faster than this guy
moves. I
don’t even know how to recap a non-match main
event. Why
is that dork in the front row wearing a fishing hat
inside?
Every sign in the crowd looks like the WWE art
department made it and gave it to the people. The signs in the
WWE video games are more clever.
After
six hours, the Undertaker finally gets the mic and
croaks out some threat about not being dead yet. The amount of
jokes I could make about that statement is mind
boggling.
The Undertaker mumbles for about five minutes
about betrayal, making a statement about the belt being
his holy grail…which would explain why he looks so
terrible.
Remember what happened when that one guy drank
the water from the wrong grail?
Finally,
Kane comes out to refute what the Undertaker said. Kane is actually
okay on the mic in small doses, but these ten-minute
soliloquies are a bit much.
I’m
just waiting for Undertaker to just interrupt and say,
“Kane, I would beat you if I was Abel.” YES! PUN OF THE WEEK,
BAY-BEE!!
During
this mess, I learn that the devil calls Undertaker,
sir.
Interesting.
After
another five minutes of clichés and botched metaphors,
Kane takes back over and tells Undertaker he’s going to
beat him down like he did at SummerSlam. Kane ends this
gabfest by telling his brother that he’ll never “rest in
peace.”
Oooooooooooooooooooo…terrifying.
This
week was really a yin and yang of good and suck, which
will make the awards difficult to had out this
week.
However, I’m going to give it a
shot.
The Great Thing of the
Week: The
Ziggler/Kingston matches continue to be decent, if not
flawed. The
winner, however, is Alberto Del Rio, who continues to
make me smile inside.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the
Week: While three
squash matches seem like strong candidates, the winner
is a tie between Cody Rhodes shaving his legs and
Hornswoggle teasing a return to weekly
appearances.
That’s
it for this week’s show, gentle readers. Enjoy your
weekend and I’ll try to do the
same.
