Welcome to Smackdown, where now that the World Heavyweight Championship is vacant, the brand's
current top champions include Matt Hardy and The Miz. All brands are equal, though. In fact, they're so equal that tonight
will feature more ECW guys than Smackdown guys! These shows are so equal it's like there's not even a difference between them!
Well, except for Raw.
Recap of last week where Taker was stripped of the World Heavyweight Championship because
he used That Chokehold that's so illegal that in all of Taker's matches the referees were so appalled that he was actually
daring to use it, they went into shock and just gave Taker the win. Or at least that's the best explanation I can bullshit
up. I dunno, they haven't even tried to give us a better one. Anyway, GM Vickie Guerrero starts things off with an announcement
- tonight there will be a tournament featuring f ormer or current US, ECW, and World Heavyweight Champions who will face off
in singles matches, and the winner of each match will qualify to enter a battle royal that will decide who gets to lose to
the Undertaker for the vacant World Heavyweight Championship at Judgment Day. And that won't just be Edge anyway, nope. Actually,
it turns out it won't! Edge and Khali are apparently both not medically cleared to wrestle, so they are out of the tournament.
Holy shit, this could actually be fresh, new, creative, exciting, and oh shit Batista's in the tournament. So are : The Big
Show, John Morrison, FINLAY, CM Punk, Chavo Guerrero, Tommy Dreamer(~~!), MVP, Kane, and Matt Hardy. That's pretty neat, but
uh, what the fuck was the point of stripping Taker of the title, just to give him a free shot at it again? Ah, well. Tournament's
starting!
CM Punk vs United States Champion Matt Hardy
Wrong Hardy, goddamnit! CM Punk should be feuding with Jeff right now! Well, not RIGHT
now, but soon. Those sixty days are almost up. Straight Edge vs straight edges! Y-..you know, for cutting lines of coke!
Jesus Chr....I'll just do the match, got it. HUUUGE crowd support for Hardy who is looking to get back his win from Punk,
who beat him in the King of the Ring tournament a few weeks ago. So this makes a little sense, but still. What the fuck is
their problem, why would you put Punk, whose already b een bitched out all over ever since winning MITB, against one of the
most over guys in the ever? If this isn't leading to a heel turn, then it's leading to a straight-edge Maven. Hardy controls
early as Foley actually concentrates on calling the moves. Looks like Joey Styles might be getting some company in the wwe.com,
um, "office". Punk controls for a bit before missing the Pepsi One and getting planted with an Electric Chair drop. Hardy
goes for all of his signature moves and they back-and-forth it for a while, working great together. They each look to
wrap it up but counter eachother's finishers until Hardy gets a quick surprise pin off of an armbreaker or something for the
win.
Winner : Matt Hardy
Again, Punk isn't hurt too badly by this loss since it was a surprise pin, but regardless
of how it happens, you can only lose so many consecutive matches before it really starts to do damage, especially when you're
trying to look like a constant threat to World Champions. Hardy advances to the Battle Royal and looks at the World Heavyweight
title in its display case at the top of the aisle as we go to commercials.
I learned how to tie up a shirt into a bag to put a snake in. Next time all I need is
to fashion some fang-proof gloves out of my socks and I won't have to miss another week of school.
Back and MVP is gunnin' for the title. Foley says he's as bitter as a Pennsylvania Primary
vote. After reading The Hardcore Diaries, I can't stand any more of Foley's sweeping generalization-style political commentary.
Or another detailed story on a time he gave a stuffed animal to a burned up kid. Or another Foley story ever. Seriously, after
reading that, the only thing that stuck with me was "I really didn't need to read that." Read it yourself, you'll see how
much you shouldn't have. Anyway, MVP is taki ng on Finlay, who is out high-fiving dudes and cheering on his leprechaun to
upbeat Irish tempo. Holy shit this is depressing. His character is an (Emerald peanut) shell of its former self. I'm still
waiting for them to hook him up with a potato gun that's always out of ammo, just to make sure we get as much stupid bullshit
in as possible.
Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs MVP
We get Hornswoggle's bullshit out of the way early as he rolls tennis balls into the
ring to distract MVP. Both men go at it wildly and viciously. They exchanged submission holds, sometimes reversing into pins
or each guy having a hold locked in on the other simultaneously. That was pretty cool. Very back and forth match leads into
a commercial.
Don't buy any of those "Mystery Flavor" Doritos. I got a bag, no shit, they were lemon
flavored.
Back and MVP has been working over Finlay's arm, or as it's said in the wrestling commentating
world of unnecessary prepositional phrases, the arm of Finlay. MVP with a big fucking BFB boot and they fight on the
outside a few times, with minimal interference from Hornswoggle and everything! P continues to work on Finlay's arm, but Finlay
targets MVP's leg and it gets all kinds of fucked up. Finlay scoop slams MVP and his leg landed on the middle rope, so Finlay
smacks it into the canvas. Half Boston Cr ab now, or should I say Providence Crab? I don't even know what that means. Just
pick your own shitty New England city and have fun with the joke. Long Trenton crab ensues until P gets out, only to get his
leg scoop slammed on the ropes a second time. P then catches Finlay in a body scissors and works his arm as Finlay writhes
in pain, all the while the announcers are trying to convince us Finlay is simultaneously working over MVP's leg while trapped,
but yeah, he wasn't. P rolls around and puts Finlay thro ugh a variety of arm holds until Finlay writhes out and grabs a quick
leg lock but P is all over the ropes. P whips Finlay into the corner but he stops himself and turns around just as P was charging
and they collide heads. Finlay with a back suplex and gets the three...but it is announced that both men's shoulders were
down, and so it's a draw.
Winner : Nobody
Replay shows that during the pin P's leg landed on Finlay, whose shoulders were indeed
also down, but his back was arched way up and both his feet were on the ground, so yeah. Come the fuck on. It is unclear on
who, if anybody, advances. Nevertheless, a decent match, tainted only extremely by the bullshit finish. Commercials.
Things have been awkward between me and my dad ever since I hit him in the face.
Kelly Kelly vs Natalya w/ Victoria
Natalya uses the Sharpshooter!
Winner : Natalya
I still think she's a tranny, though. Michelle McCool was watching the match in the back,
some random dudes think Taker should still be champ, and more shit you don't care about lead us into the next set of commercials.
I wouldn't ever adopt any kids unless they had like a section where they kept the
ones that are going to grow up to be successful.
Back and Vickie says both Finlay and MVP are in the Battle Royal tonight. Back to the
ring for our next Championship Chase match, and by the way they're doing a good job of making this tournament seem like a
big deal as far as the lighting and theatrics go. Mr Nohjo Rison is out first with Miz and I finally got my anagram for John
Morrison right. Granted it still sucks, but at least it works. Halfway down the ramp, Morrison gives his shades to Miz and
tells him something before continuing down the ramp as M iz looks pissed off before taking his leave. That part was pretty
cool, I can't wait for Morrison to break out of his tag role. Again. Oh shit, his opponent's Batista. Whelp, guess that breakout's
not happening tonight. Morrison is great staring down Batista with contempt which makes this feel like the huge match for
him that this is.
WWE Tag Team Champion John Morrison vs Batista
Right on the bell Morrison just misses Batista's nose with a perfect kick. Batista laughs
and receives a kick to the hamstring. He repeatedly tries to get close but Morrison keeps him back with more kicks before
sliding out of the ring, only to roll back in when Batista follows. Punch to Batista on the apron, and back in, Morrison rolls
out again and Batista follows, but Morrison jumps back up on the apron and jumps over the ropes, only to come back Breakin'
On Through them with a kick that puts Batista dow n on the outside. Morrison comes back out to work on him, but Batista hits
a couple clubs and rolls him back in the ring where he delivers some shoulder thrusts in the corner before Morrison regains
the advantage with a dropkick that sends Batista out of the ring. Morrison quickly follows Teest out and runs his face
right into the steel steps. With Batista groggy and Stoned Immaculate, Morrison then lays him on the apron and delivers a
kick to his head. Batista chant starts as Morrison nails a shi ning wizard in the ring and I can't understand how anyone
can cheer Batista over Morrison, mark or otherwise. Batista's the big loud laughing jock whose been world champion x times
before and Morrison is the young exciting underdog determined to get his big break. What the fuck about that scenario would
make you open your mouth and yell "Batista!" without adding a "sucks" after it? Morrison gets a couple two counts and locks
in a long chinlock that Batista breaks, only for Morrison to come off the top with a modified missle dropkick direct to Batista's
face. Two count and so Morrison continues to dominate with his old dancing leg drop, and by the way Foley is excellent on
commentary, calling moves, putting over the guys' characters, and getting the story of the match across. Back to the chin
lock which Batista breaks, setting up a couple scenes showing Morrison outmaneuver Batista's power with skill, with Batista
barely getting in any offense whatsoever. After reversing a Bomb with a Rana, the Prince Shaman o f Sexy Wisdom or whatever
the fuck puts down DUH ANIMOW with a clothesline. Morrison looks for his Moonlight Drive finisher, but Batista counters with
a back body drop. Corner clothesline follows but Morrison blocks a second one. He goes for a springboard spinning kick but
Batista puts him down with a lazy spear before picking him up and...hitting him with the Batista Bomb for the pin. What the
fuck.
Winner : Batista
Fuck Batista. That was Morrison's match and Batista ends it with, what, two moves? Holy
Jesus fuck Batista. I would absolutely recommend watching all but that last minute of this match, lest you get all kinds of
pissed off. But enough about the Shaman's Blues, I hope this at least leads to a big push for Morrison, he looked better than
great. Oh yeah, and uh, The End. There. That fits my own self-imposed quota of four Doors song references. Big Show is on
his way to the ring. Commercials.
So I decided I'm going to make concrete.
Back and Big Show is out first, and his opponent is....oh, hell.
Big Show vs Tommy Dreamer
Tommy is out limping and wearing a cast. Hanging out with Colin Delaney certainly is
not doing this guy any favors. He's also wearing sweatpants and a Judgment Day shirt as generic Alice in Chains blares through
the speakers. Goddamn Tommy, get your shit together. I hear Target's a pretty hardcore place to work. Anyway, yeah.
Winner : Big Show
Commercials.
If you're trapped on an island, don't eat your toes, just make a fishing pole and
use your toes as bait. ...I could so write for Dr. Steve Brule.
Back. Shit.
Chavo Guerrero w/ Bam Neely vs ECW Champion Kane
Kane wins again.
Winner : I don't feel like copying and pasting.
More commercials.
I love camping. I am all about pitching tents and rubbing wood until it explodes.
Back. Shit.
Vladmir Kozlov vs A Guy
Vlad wins again.
Winner : Still don't feel like it.
More commercials.
Don't judge. Making up ten or twelve of these little commercial filler bits every week
is harder than you think. Mostly because you're cocky and not funny.
Battle Royal time! Man, Kane and Matt Hardy are some greedy motherfuckers. You each just
won your first singles title in YEARS. Can't you just be content with occassionally defending it in quick undercard matches
on pay per views?
Batista vs Matt Hardy vs Kane vs Big Show vs MVP vs Finlay, Over The Top Battle
Royal
Finlay and MVP pick up where they left off earlier tonight as Big Show intercepts
Hardy's charge towards P. Kane and Batista trade strikes as well and, yeah, you know how these always go for the first few
minutes. Show almost eliminates Hardy, leading to Hardy, Finlay, and MVP all trying in vain to attack Big Show, who swats
them all away. Is Big Show even officially part of any show's roster or, what the fuck? MVP rolls out of the ring, and if
that's legal, why does anybody bother staying in there to wrestle? Just sit out and wait for the last guy. P apparently doesn't
realize what an advantage this would be and so immediately reenters the ring. Anyway, things move slow for a while. Soon the
match turns into a 5 on 1 Handicap against the Big Show, where things proceed to move very slow. They reinforce the fact that
it is nearly impossible to eliminate Big Show, despite the fact that I don't think he's ever won any sort of Battle Royal
ever. This is worse than when "that tough veteran" Hardcore Holly wre stles a young upstart rookie and loses in "a huge upset".
Anyway, Big Show dominates everyone for a couple of minutes until we go to commercials with Big Show standing over everyone.
Back and everyone is still really hurt and things are still really slow. Man I hate battle
royals. Hardy puts Finlay down with a Side Effect, but MVP just dumps Hardy over the top rope. BFB on Finlay but Big Show
regains control against everyone and we're back in slowmo. Show hoists Finlay up but Batista hits a spear. Finlay then decides
to actually, you know, do shit, so he goes and grabs his shilaylay and (shilay)lays into everyone. This leads to him getting
kicked over the top by Kane and man I hope this match doesn't just go to Batista. MVP, good. Big Show, fine. Kane,
not gonna win it but if he did, sure. But just don't let it be Batista. MVP went for the BFB on Batista in the corner but
he moved and MVP went flying over the top rope. You know, just like he always does whenever that happens in regular matches~!
Oh wait. Batista puts Kane down with a spear and Show clotheslines Kane out and goddamnit Batista's going to win it. Show
laughs at Batista and shows off the fact that he's bigger and st ronger. You know, just like Batista did earlier with Morrison,
but this time let's all boo! Batista gets dominated, again just like Batista-Morrison earlier. Batista however stuns
Show with a drop toehold and goes for a Bomb but Show reverses it and carries Batista to the ropes in Alabama Slam position.
Batista then of course headscissors Big Show over and out of the ring.
Winner : Batista
Suddenly Vickie comes wheeling down to the ring, accompanied by her indentured,
um, slave, Teddy Long. I can almost see him in a straw hat, bare feet, and overalls with one strap. Vickie announces that
Edge has JUST NOW been medically cleared to wrestle, and so the Battle Royal is not yet over. Oh thank God~! ...Wait. Edge
has wrestled Taker almost as much as Batista has. Shit, you know what, just do whatever, I don't care. That's what I get for
expecting something new. Well actually I was pessimistic and expecting Batista to win the whole time, but still. Anyway, Edge
hilariously charges to the ring and spears Batista off the apron as he was attempting to drag himself to his feet.
Winner
: Edge
Edge with an ecstatic celebration at getting to face Undertaker for the title. Again. So what the fuck was the
point of this entire tournament? Vickie can make whatever matches she wants. Couldn't she have just made Edge-Taker III without
all this getting naive people's hopes up? But where's the fun in that, I suppose. As Edge was going up the ramp, the pedestal
holding the World Heavyweight Championship is struck by lightning and catches fire. And somehow remains standing, despite
it being a wooden pedesta l. Taker's gong dongs and Edge runs away. Yeah. That was the most pointless two hours I've spent
doing something since I read Foley's last book. END SHOW.
Sure : The Batista/John Morrison
match. Morrison was great as always and I cannot wait for him to get back in the main event. Preferably not on ECW again,
but you know. Finlay-MVP and Hardy-Punk were okay as well.
Nope : The entire pointless tournament. Sure some of
the matches were good but it was still pointless as all hell.
Remember dflsdjl;fd? : lsdkjflmeurfolstunrmldfcnwpormdx2mc;m;x.
