Before we get to the
recap, I'd like to give my two cents on the Rumble. Um,
when did we decide to kill all the young talent? And
mostly at the hands of CM Punk, no less. It was like
watching the New Breed die all over again when Ziggler,
Bourne, JTG, and Ryder were all tossed in short order by
Mr. Punk. OK, minus the vampires and school teachers,
but still, the pain is still there! In all seriousness,
did anyone under the age of 30 last more than 5 minutes?
Or for that matter, eliminate anyone? There's a good
reason they're not releasing individual times for the
Rumble and that's because almost everyone would hover
around the half a minute mark. Hell, even Jericho got
about three and a half minutes! LAME. Sure, there was
some good stuff (Beth Phoenix taking out Khali was
awesome) and plenty more bad stuff (all the singles
matches, MVP's kinda-sorta-maybe heel turn at the end of
his match with Miz, Miz getting another terrible Rumble
performance courtesy of one Montel Vontavious Porter),
but the young talent getting murdered sealed it for me.
At least Edge is back. Yay Edge. BUT KOFI ONLY GOT LIKE,
WHAT, 4 MINUTES DESPITE BEING BUILT UP FOR-Okay, I'm
done now. On to the show.
Tonight, the
return Edge will bring back the Cutting Edge and
interview The Undertaker, one of his potential opponents
for WrestleMania. Until, of course, Elimination Chamber
(God, that name is stupid), where that title will be
properly placed around the waist (see what I did there?)
of Chris Jericho. Speaking of the Elimination Chamber,
we'll have the qualifying matches for that match tonight
as well. And some EXCLUSIVE footage from RAW featuring
John Cena and Batista that you totally couldn't see on
WWE.com for the past 3 days or something. Nope. This
stuff is Smackdown only, baby.
Speaking of
Jericho (which is what I was doing some three sentences
ago), he makes is way out to the ring to kick off the
show, bemoaning his Royal Rumble loss and Edge's return,
which he claims takes away from his spotlight. Jericho
demands Teddy Long make things right, as he is now
apparently in charge of the entire WWE and can just
strip people of cleanly won Royal Rumble victories and
hand them out to other people. Yes. Alas, Teddy does not
thug and bug his way to the ring, so Jericho just
decides to go find him in the back. He picks on some
stagehands, yells at The Hart Dynasty for being there,
and finds the office, which is located right next to the
catering table and appears to be a broom closet. Strike
that earlier comment about Teddy being head of the WWE.
Surprise! Edge is there and Jericho wastes no time in
promising to make Edge regret coming back. Edge promises
to make Jericho pay and we have some very intereting
build.
COMMERCIAL
THOUGHT: Flexibility.
Before our
first qualifying match, we get a nice little trailer on
the horrors of the Elimination Chamber, complete with
some music that sounds better suited to one of those
informational videos that plays at the chimp exhibit at
the zoo. Sadly, there is no footage of Mike Knox's
surprise entry last year, but Finlay makes it in despite
doing absolutely nothing this year.
Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison vs.
Kane (Triple Threat Elimination Chamber Qualifying
Match)
"Two of these
things belong together, but one of these things does not
belong....". Anywhoo, the match is underway, with each
men getting in a fair share of punches and kicks
before Morrison finally interjects an honest-to-God
wrestling move by rolling up McIntyre for 2. Kane tries
to get in some offense, but Morrison and McIntyre put
aside their differences and hit a double DDT. However,
the pairing is put to a quick end when Morrison
crossbody's McIntyre out of the ring as we go to
COMMERCIALS.
COMMERCIAL
THOUGHT: My newspaper actually praised Pauly Shore. I
wonder how much he paid them to do that.
We return to
find McIntyre and Kane exchanging blows, with Kane
hitting an uppercut for 2. Morrison manages to get back
in on the action, but eats a backbreaker from McIntyre
for 2. Kane big boots McIntyre and looks to hit the
clothesline of good intentions, but Morrison hits a pele
kick to strand Kane on the top rope. McIntyre
clotheslines Morrison out of the ring and looks to
superplex Kane, but that is quickly ended when Kane
grabs his throat and climbs down to try and chokeslam
him. Morrison bounces back into the ring with a Flying
Chuck on Kane and DDT's McIntyre for 2. Kane comes back
with the usual dull hossiness, hitting a sidewalk slam
on Morrison for 2. The clothesline of good intentions
connects on Morrison, but McIntyre hits Kane in the gut
with the Intercontinental title and nails a Future Shot
DDT. Because this match is suddenly No DQ. That makes
sense. However, Morrison knees McIntyre in the face as
he goes for a cover and hits Starship Pain on Kane (SEE
WHAT I DID THERE?) to win it.
WINNER: John Morrison. Oh,
and SUCK IT, KANE! No Elimination Chamber for
you!
COMMERCIAL
THOUGHT: You, Kevin Butler, are annoying.
R-Truth vs. Mike Knox (Elimination
Chamber Qualifying Match)
Oh my God,
two years of Mike Knox Elimination Chamber matches in a
row. MAKE IT HAPPEN.
It starts off
good for my favorite beardy face, as he hits a nice
running crossbody for 2. A body slam followed by a knee
drop also manages to get 2. However, Truth clotheslines
Knox out of the ring, hits a plancha, rolls him back in
the ring, hits a missile dropkick, and seals it with a
corkscrew elbow. Dammit.
WINNER: R-Truth. Alas, the
Mike Knox repeat is not to be. Still, nice to see Truth
getting a push, even if it is straight into the waiting
arms of The Undertaker.
We now get
that "exclusive" footage I mentioned earlier. The Bret
Hart-Vince McMahon feud: now complete with pointless
interjections from John Cena and Batista and censorship
of the word "ass". I guess this is supposed to lead to
another Cena-Batista match at 'Mania, but didn't we
learn from the last debacle these two had at SummerSlam
two years ago? On second thought, let it happen. If both
these guys get put on the shelf, I will be a very
happy man.
The
Straightedge Society is in the back, discussing Punk's
Elimination Chamber qualifying match with
Batista. Punk wants the full, undying support of
his disciples and they pledge it to him, with Gallows
going as far as saying he'll stick his head in fire for
Punk. Roast Festus, anyone? That match comes following
COMMERCIALS.
COMMERCIAL
THOUGHT: Sometimes, hair dye is important enough to leap
on to a moving bus for.
CM Punk W/ Luke Gallows and Serena
vs. Batista (Elimination Chamber Qualifying
Match)
Batista stays
in the corner...scratches his nose...and leaves, getting
counted out as Punk and Company joyously hop around. Bar
none, the best Batista match I have ever
seeen.
WINNER BY COUNT-OUT: CM
Punk. I was so awestruck by greatness of this match that
I almost didn't notice what appear to be nipple
piercings on Punk's hairy chest, but now that I'm over
that brief bit of miracle, EW! NIPPLE PIERCINGS! If
there's an award for grossest chest, please give it to
Punk, stat.
The
completely worthless Matt Hardy walks by the completely
worthless (and undeserving. Yeah, I didn't forget that
Slammy you got, bitch) Maria and strikes up a
conversation. If this leads to a Maria-Matt Hardy-Great
Khali-Ranjin Singh quartet, I will be a very happy man.
But that is not for tonight, as Matt Hardy faces Chris
Jericho after the break.
COMMERCIAL
THOUGHT: I miss the good ol' days of Marvel vs. Capcom.
Who's Tetsa...Testo...Tanna...Tenta...funny Japanese
T-word company anyway?
Matt Hardy vs. Chris Jericho
(Elimination Chamber Qualifying
Match)
Jericho slaps
on a headlock following the lock-up, but Matt escapes
with punches and just keeps doing that. Jericho tries to
come back with a kick to the sizeable gut, but Matt just
tosses him from the ring and hits a diving clothesline
off the apron. Jericho regains control by tossing Matt
into the steel steps and tries to get a count-out
victory, but Matt makes it back into the ring at 9.
Jericho applies a submission (armbar?), but Matt
reverses it into a roll-up for 2. Jericho responds with
a running enziguri for 2. Matt manages to dodge a corner
charge and hits a reverse DDT for 2. The old
clothesline-bulldog combo also gets 2. Matt hits the
second rope elbow drop and signals for the Twist of
Fate, but Jericho blocks it and ACTUALLY MANAGES TO HIT
THE LIONSAULT. OK, I think we better get ready for the
Apocalypse right about now. After that brief bit of
awesomeness, Matt hits a Side Effect and signals for
another Twist of Fate, but Jericho just rolls him up for
2. Jericho tries to apply the Walls, but Matt kicks out.
This time, Matt tries for the ever-annoying Twist of
Fate Outta Nowhere, but since Jeff isn't around to
necessitate a push for him, he just falls over when
Jericho grabs the ropes to block it and eats
Codebreaker.
WINNER: Chris
Jericho.
COMMERCIAL
THOUGHT: Those are some sick fingers.
Tony Chimel
and his hideous tie announce the arrival of Mickie
James, who appears to be wearing the same outfit she had
on Sunday night. The washing machine must have put
in some extra hours. Mickie gives us the usual spiel
about following your dreams and being true to yourself
and such when Beth Phoenix interrupts. Beth comments on
her rather successful appearance in the Royal Rumble
(she eliminated someone, with most of the young talent
failed to do) and claims she can take the Women's title
from Mickie at will. This brings out Vickie Guerrero for
some reason. I guess Teddy wanted tonight off. Holla.
Vickie fails to make a Women's championship match like I
was hoping, but instead makes a tag match pitting Mickie
and Beth against Layla and Michelle McCool. Way to
capitalize on a great opportunity there,
Vickie.
Beth Phoenix and Mickie James vs.
Layla and Michelle McCool
Beth
starts off annihilating Michelle until Michelle
hits a dropkick and starts to target the leg. Beth
blocks a heel hook attempt, punches out Layla, and tags
to Mickie. Beth then floors Mickie with a punch, does
the same to Michelle, and leaves. Layla tags in, hoping
to capitalize, but is instead rolled up by Mickie
James.
WINNNERS: Beth Phoenix and
Mickie James. Oh, and ineptitude. Did anyone besides
Beth actually do anything of note?
COMMERCIAL
THOUGHT: Who's Omarosa?
Just when I
thought it was dead, Word Up pops back up, apparently
trying to pimp the new Cryme Tyme shirt, which hilarious
features a street named "Beast Blvd". That's where I
wanna live some day. Today's word is "king", which
according to Shad means the same as "supreme". For some
reason, Shad sings and Jerry Lawler pops up to say
"puppies" for the first time in what seems like years.
Then they go off, leaving me to feel slightly more
black.
COMMERCIAL
THOUGHT: About time Zombieland came out on
DVD.
Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler
(Elimination Chamber Qualifying
Match)
Ziggler kicks
things off with some amateur wrestling, then hits a
clothesline for 2. Rey scores a lucha roll-up for 2
and sends Dolph out of the ring with a hurricarana,
following that up with a springboard crossbody. Ziggler
comes back with a dropkick for 2, but Rey manages to set
up the 619, only to see Ziggler roll out of the ring as
we go to the break.
COMMERCIAL
THOUGHT: At least my door will be safe.
We return in
time to see Ziggler hit a superplex for 2. Ziggler
applies a surfboard and slingshots Rey into the
turnbuckle. Rey, however, catches himself and hits a
seated senton, followed by a kick to the head for 2. A
bulldog also gets 2. Rey tries for another springboard
crossbody, but Ziggler turns it into a sweet powerslam
for 2. Dolph goes for a suplex, but Rey reverses it into
a roll-up for the win.
WINNER: Rey Mysterio.
Ziggler tries to attack Rey after the match, but gets a
619 for his trouble. Can I make a wish on a falling
star? If so, I just might start wishing to win the lotto
every time I see Dolph. The Cutting Edge is
next.
COMMERCIAL
THOUGHT: It's good to see people being nice to the guy
with tiny hands.
Edge makes
his way to the ring with some well-deserved cheers. We
get the usual "yay, it's great to be back" and "I worked
so hard to rehab!" stuff any injured wrestler would give
us, but because it's Edge, it's awesome. Edge also
includes a video of his encounter with Sheamus on Monday
night, in which a microphone may or may not have bounced
off the head of the speared Irishman. Jericho
decides to head out to the ring and demands Edge give
the guranteed WrestleMania spot to him. This sends Edge
on a tirade against Jericho very similar to the one he
had about Cena come WrestleMania time last year. For
some strange reason, The Straightedge Society also
appears, with Punk proclaiming he's better than both men
because he's had better success against The Undertaker.
Punk promises to win the Elimination Chamber, but before
Jericho can make the same claim, the gong sounds, the
lights go out, and you know the drill. Undertaker cleans
house of the straightedgers while Edge disposes of
Jericho. Edge teases a spear on 'Taker, but elects just
to stare at him as we close show.
Well, that
was nice. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a
bomb shelter. The best Batista match EVAH and a
Lionsault are definitely signs that the end is
nigh...near..whatever. See ya next week. Unless, of
course, the world does end. Then I'll have called
it.
