Hey there party people. I’m Sean Carless, and this is your Rant for
the Royal Rumble. A concept actually invented by Pat Patterson of all people. Strange. I mean it’s just hard to picture
a guy coming up with a concept that sees dudes trying to so hard to push other dudes out of a ring, while he himself
for years has been trying so hard to push in other dude’s rings. That’s right. It’s gonna be that type of
Rant!
Onto the show!
On Heat, Get the “F" out (“Fit” that is) Finlay destroyed
Brian Kendrick accompanied by his crazy mask, which of course was last seen gang banging Nicole Kidman in
the abhorrent Eyes Wide Shut.
The Irishman dare I say potatoed (HIYO) Kendrick in awesome fashion,
before obliterating him with the Kryptonite Krunch, which I'm sure will be renamed along with the rest of his offense when
he's given the inevitable Lucky Charms Guy gimmick by Vince. Pink Heart-punch! Green Cloverleaf! Blue Diamond dust! Yellow
Moonsault! Orange star press! umm, you get the idea.
[Sean's note from 2007: Well, they didn't turn Finlay
into a leprechaun, but they saddled him with one. But strangely the whole thing worked out. But just as a word of warning,
apparently in *real-life* it's a "human atrocity" to keep midgets locked up in darkened areas and train them to attack
people. Who'd have thunk it?]
Onto the show~!
Your hosts are…umm, the same assholes we see every month. I think
I’m gonna start leaving this part out from now on.
*On a side note, the set had a very Roman-esque feeling to it, with two guards
opening the aisle doors during wrestlers entrances. The only problem was that they were wearing MEDIEVAL COSTUMES. Man, something
tells me Vince never bothered learning anything about History. (Of course, you just need to look at his booking
to figure that out.)
Cruiserweight Title Invitational:
(C) Kid Kash vs. Paul London, Jamie Noble, Funaki, Nunzio
& Gregory “Stand Back! There’s a Midcarder comin’ through” Helms;
This is your opening contest here, and Helms appearance in this match is explained
as “any former champion” can enter. Well, except Scotty 2 Hotty, apparently. Maybe you need two balls to
enter this dance.
Really fast paced action early on, as it’s one fall to a finish. Crazy
high spots abound, as first Noble hits a suicide dive (Why do they call it that when no one ever dies? False advertising!).
London
then gets the spot of the night when he wipes out almost everyone on the floor with a top rope shooting star press. Back inside,
Helms and London jockey for position on the top rope, and
Helms hits a great swinging neckbreaker from the top, but Kid Kash broke up the cover with a dropkick. Kash then hits the
Dead level brainbuster on London, but everyone who was on
the floor breaks up the cover. Total anarchy now, and Noble cinches in the dragon sleeper on Funaki, but Helms breaks that
up and quickly finishes Funaki, with a Shining Wizard to win Kash’s cruiserweight Title. Good
fast paced match, but I have to honestly ask: What the fuck is an actual "SHINING WIZARD" anyway? For your sake I hope
it's not anything comparable to the Flashing Magician at my 8th birthday party. My Mom paid a lot of therapists
good money to wipe that from my memory. His greatest illusion? Making my innocence disappear. Haha. What a convoluted
set up for a stupid joke that was. But it was worth it. Clearly.
Winner and *NEW* champion: Gregory Helms. Just when I thought after his job
to Jerry Lawler Helms had reached rock bottom so bad that he burrowed his way through the Earth’s core... they finally
reward the former Hurricane with Gold. And he didn't even have to beg his father Billy Jo-Rel Helms to give him his powers
back first. Good for him.
/5
-Vince McMahon is seen backstage discussing things with Teddy Long. Teddy’s
here to help Vince keep order, but Vince states he has everything under control and sends him on his way. Clearly, the
best thing Teddy could do for Vince is to build a couple of dual side airbags into Vince's slacks, in the case the owner
gets the bright idea of storming the ring like he did last year.
We then see Candice, Torrie and Victoria backstage with the tumbler. Vince's
Devils will apparently be handling balls tonight. They can start with mine. (like you weren't thinking the same thing.).
[Sean's note from 2007: Holy shit. Remember Vince's Devils?
I forgot those three were a stable. I guess Vince dumped the idea of a Charlie's Angels knockoff because he found out that
NO ONE EVER SAW CHARLIE, AND THAT'D MEAN HE'D HAVE TO NOT BE SEEN ON FUCKING TELEVISION. Can't have that...]
Randy Orton comes in next and picks his number and smiles. HHH then follows
suit and makes light of Orton, saying he’s taking the whole thing, before drawing a number he’s not too crazy
about. He then seeks solace in the fact that he'll still be working the Main Event at Wrestlemania regardless of whether he
wins the Rumble or not...
[Sean's note from 2007: What am I, a Genius? A Wizard?]
-Mickie James enters Trish’s locker room and reveals that she loves
her. Sadly, Trish has the opposite reaction I've been programmed to believe. No saxophone music began to wail, no
one took off their clothes, and there was no pizza man to show up at exactly the right time with tear away pants. Porn
COULD NOT have lied to me.
Mickie James w/confused lesbian emotions vs. Ashley w/
Emotional angst ridden boyfriend, Trish Stratus as Referee;
Bah. Personally, I’d rather have seen the Mickie/Trish rematch to close
out their Single White Female storyline (bar the nudity. Get with the program WWE. You can’t do obsessive dyke lust
without bare titties!). This alternative is a little more scary. Putting these two in the ring together is probably akin to
crossing the streams in Ghostbusters.
Anyway, Trish of course is your Referee here, sporting an outfit I’d
lose my lunch over if ever adopted by any other WWE Officials. As for the match itself; I could try to explain to you
using flowery words to describe how completely abysmal it was, or I could just punch you right in the soul. The latter
better describes what I had to sit through.
The story here was Mickie constantly looking for Trish’s 'approval'
after getting offense, but getting no reaction from Trish. Ashley eventually comes back, and even hits a crucifix for two.
However, Botchamania is running wild here, and the crowd soon turns on Ashley while she was mounted punching Mickie in the
corner. Mickie however countered this into a stiff powerbomb, and after Ashley finally realized this was indeed the part where
she actually puts her own shoulders down, Trish awkwardly counts the most butchered three count in history, as Jackie
Gayda sits at home shaking her head in disgust. Damn.
Winner: Mickie James. I don’t know what they thought they’d accomplish
here with Ashley and her patented “catch-as-catch-can’t” wrestling stylings, but I guess they just want
to milk her for all she’s worth (I’ll volunteer for that job!) before her eventual Playboy shoot and release a
year from now (if History has taught us anything). But whatever; my penis seemed to enjoy it. And normally there’s just
no pleasing that guy!
[Sean's note from 2007: Turns out
Ashley is NOW posing for Playboy. Her wrestling however hasn't really improved much, but whatever. I'm personally convinced
that the reason Lita and Ashley blew so many spots in the ring, is because common boyfriend Matt Hardy secretly drains
their athletic ability like a vampire to fuel his immortality. Or not. Whichever.]
/5
-Backstage, Vince proves (and doesn’t just write it to make himself
look better) that ALL WWE DIVAS LOVE HIM, by inspecting the tattoos of Candice, Torrie, and Victoria. Perversely enough, even
Chloe the dog apparently had one on its hind quarters which strangely gave Vince a charge. (Hey, maybe Kurt ain’t the
only guy in WWE into “dirty bestiality sex”).
Big Show comes in next to
draw, but can’t get his banana hands in the tumbler because THEY’RE LIKE SKILLETS~!Anyway, Candice does
him a solid and picks his number for him. Rey then enters, and Show gives him a cordial greeting. Wait. Wasn’t it like
2 months ago that Show chokeslammed Rey on his dead best friend’s car? You know, most people don't get over that
kind of stuff. "Hey, haha, remember when you destroyed my best friend's most prized possession by hurling my tiny body through
it before his body was even cold? HILARIOUS! We should do lunch sometime! We can cook it in your hands! THEY'RE LIKE
SKILLETS~!"
Anyway, Rey chooses his number, and shakes his head and blames Eddie in heaven
for messing up his number (seriously). Call me crazy, but somehow I think Eddie has better things to do in paradise then
return to our mortal coil and fuck with Rey’s ball.
JBL w/ Jillian Hall w/o mole vs. Boogeyman w/ worms w/o
teeth;
Apparently Boogeyman has garnered a taste for moles! Could Tod Gordon possibly
be next? And could I make more jokes that only 5 people understand? You betcha. Anyway, you’d think with all JBL’s
money he could have had that pesky mole taken care of. Or Hell, since he’s a wrestling "God" and all, you’d think
he’d just lay hands on her (guess where I’d start?) and heal her up with his divine powers. But hey, I guess his
miracles only stretch as far as having a barely two star match with Batista this past Summer…
In any event, since this match obviously ain’t gonna be no Steamboat
vs. Flair, I thought I’d kill some time and look at a REAL DREAM MATCH: The Wrestling God against who
else?…but GOD himself! It’s the old Tale O’ the Tape, so let’s see how ol’ JBL matches up miracle
for miracle with the Heavenly Father. It’s God Vs. God as we go to the tape!
Tale O’ The Tape: JBL Vs. God
God: Created the World in 6 days.
JBL: Created tediousness for 270 days as World
Champion.
God: Gave Job a pretty hard time.
JBL: Gave Blue Meanie of the JOB squad a pretty
hard time.
God: Parted the Red Sea
JBL: Allegedly parted a few rookies ass cheeks
in the WWE locker room…
God: Inspired Moses to lead his people through
the Desert.
JBL: Inspired apathy while being on top of a deserted
roster…
God: Appeared to Moses as a burning bush.
JBL: Has a burning desire to be George W. Bush
God: Is said to end the world at Armageddon
JBL: People said his reign would end by Armageddon
2004. They were wrong...
God: Punishes sinners to Hell
JBL: Punishes Mexicans with the Clothesline from
Hell…
God: Decreed Sunday as a day of rest.
JBL: Uses a shitload of boring rest-holds like
bear hugs every PPV Sunday.
God: Passes eventual judgment on humanity.
JBL: Passes ridiculous judgment on WWE newcomers
with Wrestlers Court.
God: "And then there was light. And it was good."
JBL: "And then there was 10 month main event push.
And it was, umm, not that good."
God: Convinced Abraham to begin the tradition of
circumcision.
JBL: Probably knows whether half the guys in the
locker room are circumcised…
God: Made Eve from Adam’s rib.
JBL: One Eve in 1998, pulled a “rib”
on Adam (Copeland) by soaping his ass in the shower…
God: Created Woman.
JBL: is currently managed by a Woman who was created...
on a plastic surgeons table.
God: Unleashed a destructive plague upon Egypt.
JBL: Unleashed a destructive plague upon the WWE
by the forcing us to sit through high profile Orlando Jordan matches…
God: Forged the Ten Commandments out of stone.
JBL: Forged his own path after WWE fired a stoned
Faarooq.
God: Declared the Jews as his chosen people.
JBL: Was declared an asshole by many Jews for
goose-stepping in Germany.
God: Many people are skeptical about his actual
existence.
JBL: Many people are skeptical about his actual
talent…
Ah, I kid, JBL. I am actually a huge fan believe it or not, and am really
entertained by him. I just enjoy ribbing the guy. (with my pants on. Take some notes, eh?).
Anyway, the match. That’s right, there was a match here (could have fooled
me, though). JBL stalls early, and only gets the brief advantage after Boogey goes after Jillian and pukes worms on her cleavage.
I think I did the same thing to a chick at a college party once. JBL attacks from behind, and Boogey ridiculously
oversells everything. After punishing Boogey on the floor, JBL gets him back in the ring, and goes for the Clothesline from
Hell, but Boogey ducks and JBL eats the post. Boogey than cinches up JBL with his pump handle slam and gets the clean win.
Wow.
Winner: Boogeyman, and your local bait and tackle store.
/5
-Backstage, Vince gets goosed on the ass presumably by The Devils, but it
turns out to be Shelton’s Mama, who's referred to as
such by Vince. Apparently she goes by the name “Mama” in all walks of life. Kind of like how I'm
universally referred to as 'Asshole' ...only not as hurtful. *sob*.
Shelton then
comes in and picks his number and looks pleased. He also promises to eliminate HBK for Vince. From
there, Melina comes in, and flirts with Shelton, who is then
dragged away by Mama. Melina then of course flirts with Vince, because let's face it, Grandfathers EXUDE sexiness. Nothing's
a bigger aphrodisiac for the ladies than a man who's slowly losing the muscle control in his bowels! (and speaking of which,
shouldn't "Depends" be called "for sure"? When you're talking about shitting your pants, I wouldn't be taking any chances....)
Anyway, Melina asks Vince to look into her situation on SmackDown. MNM
then draw their numbers and also promise Vince to eliminate HBK. My suggestion is wrapping him in one of their jackets
and throwing him into a PETA rally.
The Royal Rumblus!
Really weird card placement here. Lillian is about to explain the rules of
the Rumble for those who can’t grasp a simplistic concept explained ad nauseam for almost two decades… but she’s
interrupted by Vince’s latest brain-fart: The Spirit Squad. Brutal. Sometimes I think Vince is just like that kid who
burns ants with a magnifying glass just to amuse himself. Anyway, the Squad puts on a cheer and the crowd goes mild. Your
WWE Dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen!
Finally, Lillian is able to explain the rules for us! And guess what? Dudes
still get thrown over the ropes to the floor. Thanks, Lil.
We learn that the new man will enter every 90 seconds, as opposed to the usual
2 minutes, and here’s the reason why: HHH draws number 1, and takes half the fucking Rumble time with his entrance alone.
Number 2 is Rey Mysterio, who is driving Eddie’s low-rider for the cheap pop. WWE thankfully doesn’t catch the
18 inch cinderblocks attached to Rey’s feet on camera that help him reach the pedals.
And we’re on! Rey baffles HHH early on with some lucha goodness including
a swinging headscissors. Countdown now, and # 3 is Simon Dean! Dean goes after Rey right away, then looks for Trips approval
with the high five, but HHH knocks him out and throws him over the ropes instead. As it turns out, Triple H was infuriated
with him because Stephanie drank some of Dean's fat burning Fitno powder, and she completely disappeared! Chances are I just
wanted to just say that joke.
Countdown again, and it’s Mexicool member Psicosis at #4, sans lawn
mower. Too bad. I recently was sad to learn that all landscapers don’t possess complicated high-flying lucha abilities
like The Mexicools. Too bad, too. Imagine how much easier you could get down off the roof after cleaning an eavestrough
if you could moonsault.
Anyway, Psicosis lasts about as long as it took you to read that joke, as
Rey counters an attempted powerbomb into a rana to send Psicosis back over the border. Count down again, and it’s NAITCH
at #5. Flair goes right after Triple H, lighting him up with chops, before grabbing his balls with the testicular claw. Good
thing HHH made that Billion dollar sperm count before this match. Flair then stupidly charges HHH, but gets
back body dropped over and eliminated. But hey, it’s a pay day right? (Well, until the IRS and/or Beth Flair tackles
him the parking lot and takes his wallet.)
Countdown for #6, and Wellllll, it’s the Big Show! something, something,
that you’ll never know~! Show and his giant mitten go after HHH right away. Show then does what every retard
for the last 18 years has done, and that’s press a guy (HHH in this case) over his head, but not dump him over the ropes.
Show then chokeslams HHH. Count down and it’s Coach at #7...who gets tossed out almost immediately by Show. #8 is Bobby Lashley! He has muscles in places that most people don’t have places! And he has
prescriptions in his duffle bag that help create muscles~! Wellness~!
Lashley goes into full Blackberg mode and starts killing people. Kane is in
next at #9, and he and Lashley trade shots. Lashley who is still pretend undefeated (he got pinned in a match at Survivor
Series that we’re obviously supposed to forget) gets Kane up in the Dominator. #10 is Sylvan the model. Lashley however
eliminates him in short order. Man, and he didn’t even get to debut BLUE STEEL~ either. Mugatu is going to be pissed!
Kane & Big Show then sneak up on Lashley and dump him out. They then turn on each other, and both try to teeter the other
out on the ropes. HHH however says 'fuck this' and just pitches both out.
Count down again and it’s Carlito at #11! If I was Carlito, I’d
have adhered Velcro to the ring ropes before the show, that way no one would be able to toss me out. Chris Benoit is
in at # 12 and dishes out Germans like they were…something humorous related to Germans? I don’t know. Carlito
wrangles out of his German, but gets the crossface instead. Booker draws #13, coming to the ring sporting long tights to hide
his injury ravaged "lazy legs" (Tm. Bret Hart, 1998). Benoit immediately dumps out Booker in short order. Speaking of short
order, if only Benoit had been working as a short order cook for Wendy's when Book was a teenager. He could have saved Dave
Thomas a lot of grief.
#14 is Joey Mercury of MNM. Apparently
he’s dating Christie Hemme in real life. Man, if they ever have children, they'll have to cut a hole through the skylight
just so that kid can fit his head in the car. Nothing of note really happens for the next minute and a half, and here’s
the countdown again, and it’s TATANKA at #15. Tatanka goes berserk and starts tomahawk chopping everything that moves
like it’s 1993 over all again! The crowd starts a “respectful” war cry in Tatanka’s honor. Ah, God
bless the last shred of mass racism allowed in America
today. #16 comes in, and it’s Johnny Nitro, the only other dude other than the Ghost of Christmas Present that can pull
off a fucking fur coat.
#17 is up, and it’s Trevor Murdoch, who has obviously spent the better
part of the weekend mummified, and not on the Beach. I'm not going to say the dude's pale or anything, but everyone in that
ring could probably tell you the exact contents of his stomach.
He of course goes right after Tatanka. Sometimes stereotypes make sense, what
can I say. Both HHH and Rey almost eliminate each other several times, until the buzzer goes off and it’s Eugene! Reformed from drugs, but apparently still struggling with that
whole ‘being a retard’ thing. More flailing limbs and dudes holding in other dudes while secretly pretending to
push them about abounds until we get our next countdown, and #19 is Road Warrior Animal! He quickly goes to work on Hunter,
hitting a big powerslam.
Countdown again, and at #20 it’s RVD, running to the ring (leaving a
trail of Cheetos crumbs and Funyun bags in his wake) to a HUGE pop. RVD starts kicking everything that moves, and probably
a few people only he can see, before sending fat Animal back into hibernation (he's bulking up for the long
winter!) after ducking a charge and hitting a back body drop. Countdown, and #21 is Orlando
Jordan! Is he a face? Is he a Heel? Why
he's been known to go both ways! #22 is Chavo Guerrero who gets a great ovation. Chavito gets the Three Amigos on Johnny
Nitro, and goes up for the Frog splash, but is pushed out by HHH. Well, that was depressing.
#23 is Matt Hardy. MNM get the Snapshot on Tatanka and that's it for the full
blooded lumbering Lumbee Indian. Super Crazy in at #24 now, hitting a top rope cross body
on MNM! How completely umm, not sane of him? I guess. I had no idea psychiatrists were so willing to commit dude's
who can do flips off high places. "Sure your family claims you're Bi-Polar, but we're not giving you any medication
until you admit that you can moonsault!" #25 is Shawn Michaels, and considering the entire Roman theme here
tonight, I’m kinda terrified of what Vince might do to him. I guess we'll know something's up if Duggan is in this
thing and comes out with two 2X4's and some nails....
HBK goes after everybody from there, and pitches out Murdoch, the man whose
changing the literal definition of red neck, one body completely void of pigment at a time. Count down again,
and it’s Chris Masters at #26. And Viscera follows suit at the DREADED # 27 POSITION. Which either means he’s
going win the whole thing...or Die…or both! For the record, Viscera is wearing his tribute pair of Men on Mission (to consume as much food as possible) PJ’s here.
How nice.Viscera crushes Matt Hardy with a Samoan Drop from there, then dry humps him. TNA is looking pretty good right now,
eh Matt? Matt recovers from the simulated ass rape and goes for the Twist of Fate, but Vis
shrugs him off and Matt can continue "not dying" from the arena floor. Almost immediately after, Benoit violently tosses
Eugene. I think it's safe to say, Chris Benoit won't
be hosting the Special Olympics anytime soon. And maybe that's for the best, because with his arms, I doubt
he could pass the ceremonial torch without accidentally lighting someone on fire.
Also, somewhere in the chaos, Super Crazy was dumped too, but I don’t
recall from whom Oh well. There's always next year. And if modern medicine does its part, he'll be entering the fracas in
2007 as Super Sane. I wish him luck. Kind of.
#28 is Shelton Benjamin. There ain't no stopping him now. But you just
wait a few minutes. GOLDUST makes his return at #29 and Randy Orton is your #30. All participants in the ring now. Benoit
gets tossed out by Orton to the boos of the crowd. RKO hits Big Vis with the RKO, and Masters & Carlito dump his big ass
out. However, hilariously, Carlito dumps Masters over, betraying him for the 2nd time inside a month. RVD eliminates
Goldust next with a spinkick, and from there OJ battles Orton in the corner. It’s Metrosexual Vs. Bisexual and something
has to give! (it’s Jordan). OJ gets
tossed (like a salad?). I’ll be here all week ladies and gentlemen! HBK wriggles his way out of MNM’s snap shot
from there and dumps both men. This brings out Vince, who smartly chooses to not Crocodile Mile his way into the Rumble ring
this year and simultaneously blow out every muscle in his body. Good thinking. Vince distracts Shawn long enough for 'Mr.
Fantastic' Shane McMahon to sneak up from behind and dump HBK. Although, with his rubber limbs, he could have accomplished
this by just standing at the top of the ramp. Michaels then gets pissed, and chases Shane back in the ring, but
HHH helps out brother-in-law with an attempted pedigree. HBK however back-drops out of it and superkicks HHH for good
measure, before giving chase to the McMahons. From there, Carlito goes for his unnamed finisher on RVD, but Rob counters that
and sends Carlito up and over. Man. I always assumed that Carlito would opt to go over head first, so that the sheer
sponginess of his hair would act as a de-facto springboard and somehow catapult him back into the ring. Shows what I know.
Fucking physics.
This leaves Rey with a shitload of acronyms in RVD, HHH & RKO as your
Final Four. OMG! WTF! RVD & Rey team up, and deliver some cool tandem offense. No one on commentary mentions they
were Tag Team Champions the last time we saw RVD in the ring, so I will. Comparing inanimate cages to fucking meat
eating animals? They're definitely your guys. Basic continuity and common sense? Not so much. RVD looks to go up for the five star on Orton, but HHH sends Rey cascading into him on the top and he spills
over. RVD then goes backstage, squeezes an entire tube of raw cookie-batter into his mouth and asks when the Royal Rumble
starts. True story. Orton & HHH then form an alliance and destroy Rey from there. Could we be seeing the
reformation of EVOLUTION? Nah. Because, if HHH was really evolving, you'd think his body would have adapted
to remedy his plight of never wanting to do a fucking JOB by developing say a hump, so he'd never be able to
be laid flat on his back and be pinned. They then turn on each other and after a powerslam to the Game, Orton looks for
the RKO, but that’s countered and Triple H catches Orton with a spinebuster. Yes, that spinebuster. SHADES
OF ARN ANDERSON~! You know, I hope too, that like AA, (not Alcoholics Anonymous, but boy is that ironic) one day
I develop an ability that is forever associated only to me by others. Until then, every time you blow
all your rent money on porn, I want you to yell SHADES OF SEAN CARLESS. It'll bring me joy. While I starve, freeze and
subsequently die in an alley because I have no home.
Anyway, Trips then turns his attention to Rey, and picks him up in hopes
of ditching him out, but somehow Rey counters and uses a head/body scissors to pull Triple H out! Wow. Just then I get the
visual of a non-fan catching glimpse of this, and asking how that small child in the Halloween costume threw that Viking through
the air. I'd love to know how non-fans see wrestling.
This just leaves Orton & Rey. But Triple H is infuriated, and he pulls
Rey out, and sends him careening into the steps before rolling his tiny body back in for Orton. Orton has a smile on
his face, as Cole puts over the fact that HHH may have just given the Rumble to him. Orton picks Rey up in a powerslam position
and tries to throw him out, but Rey counters and headscissors Orton out to pick up the win! Eddie would be so proud. Well, if
he was actually watching. Chances are, he's still trying to convince God that that whole "Lying, cheating & stealing"
bit was just a gimmick. Not the best credentials me thinks to get unconditional entry into Heaven. Just saying.
Winner: Rey Mysterio, who lasted over an hour. If only he'd have just
climbed directly into the tumbler and picked a better number, his road to Wrestlemania might have been a little
easier...
/5
-Backstage in the Instant Access area (not Lita), Trish is online when Mickie
comes in thanking her for "doing the right thing". Trish then goes after her to “explain a few things”. Stop fighting
it Trish. Give in. And dear god, someone start playing a SAXOPHONE. Maybe that'll speed this process up!
-Rey is seen now coming through the curtain, where he is congratulated by
Dean Malenko, Chavo and Benoit. Edge interrupts the moment and says he’ll beat Rey if he decides to jump to RAW to challenge
at Mania. This segues into him saying he’ll beat Cena, and that he’s a “Sexual Tyrannosaurs”. Sexual
Tyrannosaurs? I can't imagine what that Jurrasic Park would be like. You thought just getting devoured was bad enough.
But seriously, no
disrespect to Edge, but if anyone’s a T-Rex in the WWE, it’d be Benoit, I think. I mean, really ferocious
with little tiny arms? Come on!
(C) Edge w/ Lita vs. John Cena w/ 30% more fans tonight~!: WWE Championship.
Here we have the Battle of Doctor of Thuganomics versus a man… in need
of a Doctor dealing in the advanced stages of sexually transmitted diseases? Sounds about right.
With that said, in the wake of all this, WWE has since been desperately trying
to salvage what’s left of John Cena’s babyface credibility, using every trick in the book to make us love him
again …bar hiring the Alien threat from Roddy Piper’s “They
Live” to subliminally influence us*Obey* all to universally accept *Obey* Cena
as our *Obey* hero. I for one *Obey* think that they’re doing a great
*Obey*job. OBEY.
A fucking space-shuttle hydraulic bridge lowers and John Cena now makes
his entrance with all sort of bells and whistles. I'd have thought an Alien spacecraft type entrance would have suited
say JBL more, myself. After all, he's been known to probe a few people in his day (HIYO). Edge is out next, to much less
fanfare. No Space entrance for him. I guess the only huge expansive void he's left with his Lita. That's right. Joey Styles however does mention how high
the ratings have been since Edge got the belt…which of course makes the booking of this one a real head scratcher (or
pounder in my case.)
Cena dominates early on, until Edge regains the momentum on the floor when
he uses Lita as a human shield. Edge then spears Cena sandwiching him against the stairs. Edge sends Cena into the crowd from
there and almost gets the count out win. Cena back in at 9 however. Edge rams Cena into the stairs again, then gets him
back inside, and hits a top rope dropkick. Edge then sets up Cena on the top, perhaps for a superplex, but Cena shrugs him
off, and goes for a flying leg drop (West Newbury Jam?... which for the record is what all the old white people in his “hood”
sell during their quaint summer-time yard sales.).
Cena rebounds and almost gets an FU from there, but Edge goes to the eyes,
yo, then heads up for a cross body…which Cena rolls through for a close
near fall. Edge then applies a rear naked choke but Cena gets out by getting to his feet, and ramming
Edge into the buckles several times. He clearly needs to try another hold with a thinly veiled double entendre for sexual
abuse. The Pantsless Anal penetrator? The Roophie-assisted auto-erotic Asphyxiation? Ya, like it's anymore absurd than REAR
NAKED CHOKE.
Edge tries a spear soon after, but Cena avoids it and hits a big DDT. Protobomb
follows, then the Five knuckle shuffle, as guys wake up in the crowd and suddenly remember why they hated this guy in the
first place. Cena has the cover OFF A FUCKING FIST DROP, but Lita has the referee tied up. Cena goes after Lita, but sees
an Edge charge coming, and Edge instead collides with Lita, then walks right into a FU, before Cena gets the STFU for the...
submission? WHAT THE FUCK. Stubborn fucking WWE assholes. Like Edge would actually submit that easily. You're talking
about a dude who willingly put his dick in Lita's sarlaac-like vagina. Once you survive that potential
death trap, nothing's got your number.
Winner & *NEW* WWE champion: John Cena. You can’t see him! If only
this were true.
[Sean's note from 2007:
Gee Sean, overreact much? John Cena would of course somewhat reinvent himself, trading in his parachute
pants for an actual parachute as a Marine! Strangely, the spinner belt remains. Perhaps only to make the terrorists
nauseating dizzy before he kills them? I don't know.]
/5
-Backstage Tard Grisham tries to catch a word with Edge & Lita. Edge has
no time for him, but Lita stays behind briefly to be confronted by Hacksaw Jim Duggan for the “Hooooooo!” pay
off. However, my question is this; why doesn't Jim Duggan ever wear pants? I mean EVER? Dude's not even wrestling tonight,
and he's practically freeballing it. What gives?
-Josh Matthews catches up with Kurt Angle. Angle says he can beat Henry in
ways not even invented yet, before telling him he sucks. Man. If only there was a way Kurt could "invent a way to defeat
Henry" where we'd actually not have to see the match. If only.
(C) Kurt Angle w/ pot belly of solid muscle vs. Mizark
Henry w/ pecs that wrap around his entire body; World Heavyweight Title Match;
Who are we to judge Mark Henry’s title push? Just because his lumbering
uncoordinated ways put the biggest star on the brand on the shelf, he had his most physically grueling bout ever with
an inanimate steel cage door, and has no discernable talent in his strangely disproportioned body, doesn’t mean he don’t
deserve a crack at the brand’s top belt. Oh wait. Yes it does. I stand corrected.
Angle sure has his work cut out for him here. I’d use the old Ric
Flair “broomstick” analogy, but sadly “Toilet brush” seems a little more apropos. And Henry more than
lives up to this hype, believe me.
Anyway, prior to the bout, Cole, in the most retarded hyperbole EVER, says
“Here we have what I consider the Main Event!”; the fact it's the LAST FUCKING MATCH ON THE SHOW notwithstanding.
Kurt starts off trying to take Henry down, but big Mizark keeps shrugging
him off. Daivari eventually gets involved, and Henry nearly puts Kurt away with a big splash. It’s only been three minutes
so it’s REST HOLD time, as Henry grabs Angle in a Bear hug. Speaking of Bears, Tazz states that Henry resembles a bear
in an awkward moment. If only that were true. It’s still legal to hunt bears, right? Hand me my rifle.
Anyway, Angle eventually counters the bear hug by hip-locking Mark over. Angle
goes up top from there, but gets caught, presumably for Henry’s World’s strongest slam or whatever clown-shoes
name the Office has labeled it. Angle however counters out and gets the cankle lock, but Daivari is up on the apron, and Mizark
powers out. Angle follows up with a huge German (not <
WWE ROYAL RUMBLE