Hey there party
people. I’m Sean Carless, and this is your Rant for the
Royal Rumble. A concept actually invented by Pat
Patterson of all people. Strange. I mean it’s just hard
to picture a guy coming up with a concept that sees
dudes trying to so hard to push other dudes out
of a ring, while he himself for years has been trying so
hard to push in other dude’s rings. That’s right. It’s
gonna be that type of Rant!
Onto the
show!
On Heat, Get
the “F" out (“Fit” that is) Finlay destroyed Brian
Kendrick accompanied by his crazy mask, which
of course was last seen gang banging Nicole
Kidman in the abhorrent Eyes Wide
Shut.
The Irishman dare I say potatoed
(HIYO) Kendrick in awesome fashion, before
obliterating him with the Kryptonite Krunch, which I'm
sure will be renamed along with the rest of his
offense when he's given the inevitable Lucky Charms
Guy gimmick by Vince. Pink Heart-punch! Green
Cloverleaf! Blue Diamond dust! Yellow Moonsault!
Orange star press! umm, you get the
idea.
[Sean's note from 2007: Well, they
didn't turn Finlay into a leprechaun, but they saddled
him with one. But strangely the whole thing worked out.
But just as a word of warning, apparently in
*real-life* it's a "human atrocity" to keep midgets
locked up in darkened areas and train them to attack
people. Who'd have thunk it?]
Onto the
show~!
Your hosts
are…umm, the same assholes we see every month. I think
I’m gonna start leaving this part out from now
on.
*On a side note, the
set had a very Roman-esque feeling to it, with two
guards opening the aisle doors during wrestlers
entrances. The only problem was that they were wearing
MEDIEVAL COSTUMES. Man, something tells me
Vince never bothered learning anything
about History. (Of course, you just need to look at
his booking to figure that
out.)
Cruiserweight Title
Invitational:
(C) Kid Kash vs. Paul
London, Jamie Noble, Funaki, Nunzio & Gregory “Stand
Back! There’s a Midcarder comin’ through”
Helms;
This is your opening contest here, and
Helms appearance in this match is explained as “any
former champion” can enter. Well, except Scotty 2 Hotty,
apparently. Maybe you need two balls to enter this
dance.
Really fast paced action early on, as
it’s one fall to a finish. Crazy high spots abound, as
first Noble hits a suicide dive (Why do they call it
that when no one ever dies? False advertising!).
London then gets the
spot of the night when he wipes out almost everyone on
the floor with a top rope shooting star press. Back
inside, Helms and London jockey for
position on the top rope, and Helms hits a great
swinging neckbreaker from the top, but Kid Kash broke up
the cover with a dropkick. Kash then hits the Dead level
brainbuster on London, but everyone
who was on the floor breaks up the cover. Total anarchy
now, and Noble cinches in the dragon sleeper on Funaki,
but Helms breaks that up and quickly finishes
Funaki, with a Shining Wizard to win Kash’s
cruiserweight Title. Good fast paced match, but I have
to honestly ask: What the fuck is an
actual "SHINING WIZARD" anyway? For your sake I
hope it's not anything comparable to the Flashing
Magician at my 8th birthday party. My Mom paid a lot of
therapists good money to wipe that from my memory. His
greatest illusion? Making my innocence disappear.
Haha. What a convoluted set up for a stupid joke that
was. But it was worth it.
Clearly.
Winner and *NEW* champion: Gregory Helms.
Just when I thought after his job to Jerry Lawler Helms
had reached rock bottom so bad that he burrowed his way
through the Earth’s core... they finally reward the
former Hurricane with Gold. And he didn't even have to
beg his father Billy Jo-Rel Helms to give him his powers
back first. Good for him.
/5
-Vince McMahon is seen backstage
discussing things with Teddy Long. Teddy’s here to help
Vince keep order, but Vince states he has everything
under control and sends him on his way.
Clearly, the best thing Teddy could do for
Vince is to build a couple of dual side airbags
into Vince's slacks, in the case the owner gets the
bright idea of storming the ring like he did last
year.
We then see Candice, Torrie and Victoria
backstage with the tumbler. Vince's
Devils will apparently be handling balls tonight.
They can start with mine. (like you weren't thinking the
same thing.).
[Sean's note from 2007: Holy shit.
Remember Vince's Devils? I forgot those three were a
stable. I guess Vince dumped the idea of a Charlie's
Angels knockoff because he found out that NO ONE EVER
SAW CHARLIE, AND THAT'D MEAN HE'D HAVE TO NOT BE SEEN ON
FUCKING TELEVISION. Can't have
that...]
Randy Orton comes in next and picks
his number and smiles. HHH then follows suit and makes
light of Orton, saying he’s taking the whole thing,
before drawing a number he’s not too crazy about. He
then seeks solace in the fact that he'll still be
working the Main Event at Wrestlemania regardless of
whether he wins the Rumble or
not...
[Sean's note from 2007: What am I, a
Genius? A Wizard?]
-Mickie James enters
Trish’s locker room and reveals that she loves her.
Sadly, Trish has the opposite reaction I've
been programmed to believe. No saxophone music
began to wail, no one took off their clothes, and there
was no pizza man to show up at exactly the right
time with tear away pants. Porn COULD NOT have lied to
me.
Mickie James
w/confused lesbian emotions vs. Ashley w/ Emotional
angst ridden boyfriend, Trish Stratus as
Referee;
Bah. Personally, I’d rather have seen the
Mickie/Trish rematch to close out their Single White
Female storyline (bar the nudity. Get with the program
WWE. You can’t do obsessive dyke lust without bare
titties!). This alternative is a little more scary.
Putting these two in the ring together is probably akin
to crossing the streams in
Ghostbusters.
Anyway, Trish of
course is your Referee here, sporting an outfit I’d lose
my lunch over if ever adopted by any other WWE
Officials. As for the match itself; I could try to
explain to you using flowery words to describe how
completely abysmal it was, or I could just punch you
right in the soul. The latter better describes what
I had to sit through.
The story here was Mickie constantly
looking for Trish’s 'approval' after getting offense,
but getting no reaction from Trish. Ashley eventually
comes back, and even hits a crucifix for two. However,
Botchamania is running wild here, and the crowd soon
turns on Ashley while she was mounted punching Mickie in
the corner. Mickie however countered this into a stiff
powerbomb, and after Ashley finally realized this was
indeed the part where she actually puts her
own shoulders down, Trish awkwardly counts the most
butchered three count in history, as Jackie Gayda sits
at home shaking her head in disgust.
Damn.
Winner: Mickie James. I don’t know what
they thought they’d accomplish here with Ashley and her
patented “catch-as-catch-can’t” wrestling stylings, but
I guess they just want to milk her for all she’s worth
(I’ll volunteer for that job!) before her eventual
Playboy shoot and release a year from now (if History
has taught us anything). But whatever; my penis seemed
to enjoy it. And normally there’s just no pleasing that
guy!
[Sean's note from 2007: Turns out
Ashley is NOW posing for Playboy. Her wrestling however
hasn't really improved much, but whatever. I'm
personally convinced that the reason Lita and Ashley
blew so many spots in the ring, is because common
boyfriend Matt Hardy secretly drains their athletic
ability like a vampire to fuel his immortality. Or not.
Whichever.]
/5
-Backstage, Vince
proves (and doesn’t just write it to make himself look
better) that ALL WWE DIVAS LOVE HIM, by inspecting the
tattoos of Candice, Torrie, and Victoria. Perversely
enough, even Chloe the dog apparently had one on its
hind quarters which strangely gave Vince a charge. (Hey,
maybe Kurt ain’t the only guy in WWE into “dirty
bestiality
sex”).
Big Show comes in next to draw, but can’t get his
banana hands in the tumbler because THEY’RE
LIKE SKILLETS~!Anyway, Candice does him a
solid and picks his number for him. Rey then enters, and
Show gives him a cordial greeting. Wait. Wasn’t it like
2 months ago that Show chokeslammed Rey on his dead best
friend’s car? You know, most people don't get over
that kind of stuff. "Hey, haha, remember when you
destroyed my best friend's most prized possession by
hurling my tiny body through it before his body was
even cold? HILARIOUS! We should do lunch sometime! We
can cook it in your hands! THEY'RE LIKE
SKILLETS~!"
Anyway, Rey chooses
his number, and shakes his head and blames Eddie in
heaven for messing up his number (seriously). Call me
crazy, but somehow I think Eddie has better things
to do in paradise then return to our mortal coil and
fuck with Rey’s ball.
JBL w/ Jillian Hall
w/o mole vs. Boogeyman w/ worms w/o
teeth;
Apparently Boogeyman
has garnered a taste for moles! Could Tod Gordon
possibly be next? And could I make more jokes that only
5 people understand? You betcha. Anyway, you’d think
with all JBL’s money he could have had that pesky mole
taken care of. Or Hell, since he’s a wrestling "God" and
all, you’d think he’d just lay hands on her (guess where
I’d start?) and heal her up with his divine powers. But
hey, I guess his miracles only stretch as far as having
a barely two star match with Batista this past
Summer…
In any event, since
this match obviously ain’t gonna be no Steamboat vs.
Flair, I thought I’d kill some time and look
at a REAL DREAM MATCH: The Wrestling God
against who else?…but GOD himself! It’s the old Tale O’
the Tape, so let’s see how ol’ JBL matches up miracle
for miracle with the Heavenly Father. It’s God Vs. God
as we go to the
tape!
Tale O’ The Tape: JBL Vs.
God
God: Created the World in 6
days.
JBL: Created tediousness for 270
days as World
Champion.
God: Gave Job a pretty hard
time.
JBL: Gave Blue Meanie of the JOB
squad a pretty hard
time.
God: Parted the Red
Sea
JBL: Allegedly parted a few rookies
ass cheeks in the WWE locker
room…
God: Inspired Moses to lead his
people through the
Desert.
JBL: Inspired apathy while being on
top of a deserted
roster…
God: Appeared to Moses as a burning
bush.
JBL: Has a burning desire to be
George W.
Bush
God: Is said to end the world at
Armageddon
JBL: People said his reign would
end by Armageddon 2004. They were
wrong...
God: Punishes sinners to
Hell
JBL: Punishes Mexicans with the
Clothesline from
Hell…
God: Decreed Sunday as a day of
rest.
JBL: Uses a shitload of boring
rest-holds like bear hugs every PPV
Sunday.
God: Passes eventual judgment on
humanity.
JBL: Passes ridiculous judgment on
WWE newcomers with Wrestlers
Court.
God: "And then there was light. And
it was
good."
JBL: "And then there was 10 month
main event push. And it was, umm, not that
good."
God: Convinced Abraham to begin the
tradition of
circumcision.
JBL: Probably knows whether half
the guys in the locker room are circumcised…
God: Made Eve from Adam’s
rib.
JBL: One Eve in 1998, pulled a
“rib” on Adam (Copeland) by soaping his ass in the
shower…
God: Created
Woman.
JBL: is currently managed by a
Woman who was created... on a plastic surgeon's
table.
God: Unleashed a destructive plague
upon Egypt.
JBL: Unleashed a destructive plague
upon the WWE by the forcing us to sit through high
profile Orlando
Jordan
matches…
God: Forged the Ten Commandments
out of
stone.
JBL: Forged his own path after WWE
fired a stoned
Faarooq.
God: Declared the Jews as his
chosen
people.
JBL: Was declared an asshole by
many Jews for goose-stepping in Germany.
God: Many people are skeptical
about his actual
existence.
JBL: Many people are skeptical
about his actual
talent…
Ah, I kid, JBL. I am
actually a huge fan believe it or not, and am
really entertained by him. I just enjoy ribbing the guy.
(with my pants on. Take some notes,
eh?).
Anyway, the match.
That’s right, there was a match here (could
have fooled me, though). JBL stalls early, and only
gets the brief advantage after Boogey goes after Jillian
and pukes worms on her cleavage. I think I did the
same thing to a chick at a college party once. JBL
attacks from behind, and Boogey ridiculously oversells
everything. After punishing Boogey on the floor, JBL
gets him back in the ring, and goes for the Clothesline
from Hell, but Boogey ducks and JBL eats the post.
Boogey than cinches up JBL with his pump handle slam and
gets the clean win.
Wow.
Winner: Boogeyman, and
your local bait and tackle
store.
/5
-Backstage, Vince gets goosed on the ass
presumably by The Devils, but it turns out to be
Shelton’s Mama, who's
referred to as such by Vince. Apparently
she goes by the name “Mama” in all walks of life.
Kind of like how I'm universally referred to as
'Asshole' ...only not as hurtful.
*sob*.
Shelton then comes in
and picks his number and looks pleased. He also promises
to eliminate HBK for Vince. From there,
Melina comes in, and flirts with Shelton, who is then
dragged away by Mama. Melina then of course flirts with
Vince, because let's face it, Grandfathers EXUDE
sexiness. Nothing's a bigger aphrodisiac for the ladies
than a man who's slowly losing the muscle control in his
bowels! (and speaking of which, shouldn't "Depends" be
called "for sure"? When you're talking about
shitting your pants, I wouldn't be taking any
chances....)
Anyway, Melina asks Vince to look
into her situation on SmackDown. MNM then draw their
numbers and also promise Vince to eliminate HBK. My
suggestion is wrapping him in one of their jackets
and throwing him into a PETA
rally.
The Royal
Rumblus!
Really weird card placement here. Lillian
is about to explain the rules of the Rumble for those
who can’t grasp a simplistic concept explained ad
nauseam for almost two decades… but she’s interrupted by
Vince’s latest brain-fart: The Spirit Squad. Brutal.
Sometimes I think Vince is just like that kid who burns
ants with a magnifying glass just to amuse himself.
Anyway, the Squad puts on a cheer and the crowd goes
mild. Your WWE Dollars at work, ladies and
gentlemen!
Finally, Lillian is
able to explain the rules for us! And guess what? Dudes
still get thrown over the ropes to the floor.
Thanks,
Lil.
We learn that the new
man will enter every 90 seconds, as opposed to the usual
2 minutes, and here’s the reason why: HHH draws number
1, and takes half the fucking Rumble time with his
entrance alone. Number 2 is Rey Mysterio, who is driving
Eddie’s low-rider for the cheap pop. WWE thankfully
doesn’t catch the 18 inch cinderblocks attached to Rey’s
feet on camera that help him reach the
pedals.
And we’re on! Rey baffles HHH early on
with some lucha goodness including a swinging
headscissors. Countdown now, and # 3 is Simon Dean! Dean
goes after Rey right away, then looks for Trips approval
with the high five, but HHH knocks him out and throws
him over the ropes instead. As it turns out, Triple H
was infuriated with him because Stephanie drank some of
Dean's fat burning Fitno powder, and she completely
disappeared! Chances are I just wanted to just say that
joke.
Countdown again, and it’s Mexicool member
Psicosis at #4, sans lawn mower. Too bad. I recently was
sad to learn that all landscapers don’t possess
complicated high-flying lucha abilities like The
Mexicools. Too bad, too. Imagine how much easier
you could get down off the roof after cleaning
an eavestrough if you could
moonsault.
Anyway, Psicosis lasts
about as long as it took you to read that joke, as Rey
counters an attempted powerbomb into a rana to send
Psicosis back over the border. Count down again, and
it’s NAITCH at #5. Flair goes right after Triple H,
lighting him up with chops, before grabbing his balls
with the testicular claw. Good thing HHH made
that Billion dollar sperm count before this
match. Flair then stupidly charges HHH, but gets back
body dropped over and eliminated. But hey, it’s a pay
day right? (Well, until the IRS and/or Beth
Flair tackles him the parking lot and takes his
wallet.)
Countdown for
#6, and Wellllll, it’s the Big Show! something,
something, that you’ll never know~! Show and his
giant mitten go after HHH right away. Show then
does what every retard for the last 18 years has done,
and that’s press a guy (HHH in this case) over his head,
but not dump him over the ropes. Show then chokeslams
HHH. Count down and it’s Coach at #7...who gets tossed
out almost immediately by Show. #8 is Bobby
Lashley! He has muscles in places that most people don’t
have places! And he has prescriptions in his duffle
bag that help create muscles~! Wellness~!
Lashley goes into full
Blackberg mode and starts killing people. Kane is in
next at #9, and he and Lashley trade shots. Lashley who
is still pretend undefeated (he got pinned in a match at
Survivor Series that we’re obviously supposed to forget)
gets Kane up in the Dominator. #10 is Sylvan the model.
Lashley however eliminates him in short order. Man, and
he didn’t even get to debut BLUE STEEL~ either. Mugatu
is going to be pissed! Kane & Big Show then sneak up
on Lashley and dump him out. They then turn on each
other, and both try to teeter the other out on the
ropes. HHH however says 'fuck this' and just pitches
both
out.
Count down again and it’s Carlito at #11!
If I was Carlito, I’d have adhered Velcro to the ring
ropes before the show, that way no one would be able to
toss me out. Chris Benoit is in at # 12 and dishes
out Germans like they were…something humorous related to
Germans? I don’t know. Carlito wrangles out of his
German, but gets the crossface instead. Booker draws
#13, coming to the ring sporting long tights to hide his
injury ravaged "lazy legs" (Tm. Bret Hart, 1998). Benoit
immediately dumps out Booker in short order. Speaking of
short order, if only Benoit had been working as a short
order cook for Wendy's when Book was a teenager. He
could have saved Dave Thomas a lot of
grief.
#14 is Joey
Mercury of MNM. Apparently he’s dating Christie Hemme in
real life. Man, if they ever have children, they'll have
to cut a hole through the skylight just so that kid can
fit his head in the car. Nothing of note really happens
for the next minute and a half, and here’s the countdown
again, and it’s TATANKA at #15. Tatanka goes berserk and
starts tomahawk chopping everything that moves like it’s
1993 over all again! The crowd starts a “respectful” war
cry in Tatanka’s honor. Ah, God bless the last shred of
mass racism allowed in America
today. #16 comes in, and it’s Johnny Nitro, the only
other dude other than the Ghost of Christmas Present
that can pull off a fucking fur
coat.
#17 is up, and it’s Trevor Murdoch, who
has obviously spent the better part of the weekend
mummified, and not on the Beach. I'm not going to say
the dude's pale or anything, but everyone in that ring
could probably tell you the exact contents of his
stomach.
He of course goes
right after Tatanka. Sometimes stereotypes make sense,
what can I say. Both HHH and Rey almost eliminate each
other several times, until the buzzer goes off and it’s
Eugene! Reformed from
drugs, but apparently still struggling with that whole
‘being a retard’ thing. More flailing limbs and dudes
holding in other dudes while secretly pretending to push
them about abounds until we get our next countdown, and
#19 is Road Warrior Animal! He quickly goes to work on
Hunter, hitting a big
powerslam.
Countdown
again, and at #20 it’s RVD, running to the ring (leaving
a trail of Cheetos crumbs and Funyun bags in his wake)
to a HUGE pop. RVD starts kicking everything that moves,
and probably a few people only he can see, before
sending fat Animal back into hibernation (he's
bulking up for the long winter!) after ducking a
charge and hitting a back body drop. Countdown, and #21
is Orlando
Jordan! Is he
a face? Is he a Heel? Why he's been known to go
both ways! #22 is Chavo Guerrero who gets a great
ovation. Chavito gets the Three Amigos on Johnny Nitro,
and goes up for the Frog splash, but is
pushed out by HHH. Well, that was
depressing.
#23 is Matt Hardy. MNM get the Snapshot
on Tatanka and that's it for the full blooded
lumbering Lumbee Indian.
Super Crazy in at #24 now, hitting a top rope cross body
on MNM! How completely umm, not sane of him? I
guess. I had no idea psychiatrists were so willing
to commit dude's who can do flips off high places.
"Sure your family claims you're Bi-Polar, but we're
not giving you any medication until you admit that
you can moonsault!" #25 is Shawn Michaels, and
considering the entire Roman theme here tonight,
I’m kinda terrified of what Vince might do to him.
I guess we'll know something's up if Duggan is in this
thing and comes out with two 2X4's and some
nails....
HBK goes after everybody from there, and
pitches out Murdoch, the man whose changing the
literal definition of red neck, one body
completely void of pigment at a time. Count down
again, and it’s Chris Masters at #26. And Viscera
follows suit at the DREADED # 27 POSITION. Which either
means he’s going win the whole thing...or Die…or
both! For the record, Viscera is wearing his
tribute pair of Men on Mission (to consume as
much food as possible) PJ’s here. How nice.Viscera
crushes Matt Hardy with a Samoan Drop from there, then
dry humps him. TNA is looking pretty good right now, eh
Matt? Matt recovers from the simulated ass rape and
goes for the Twist of Fate, but Vis shrugs him off and Matt can
continue "not dying" from the arena floor. Almost
immediately after, Benoit violently tosses
Eugene. I think
it's safe to say, Chris Benoit won't be hosting the
Special Olympics anytime soon. And maybe that's for the
best, because with his arms, I doubt he
could pass the ceremonial torch without
accidentally lighting someone on
fire.
Also, somewhere in the chaos, Super
Crazy was dumped too, but I don’t recall from whom Oh
well. There's always next year. And if
modern medicine does its part, he'll be entering
the fracas in 2007 as Super Sane. I wish him
luck. Kind of.
#28 is Shelton Benjamin. There ain't no
stopping him now. But you just wait a few
minutes. GOLDUST makes his return at #29 and Randy
Orton is your #30. All participants in the ring now.
Benoit gets tossed out by Orton to the boos of the
crowd. RKO hits Big Vis with the RKO, and Masters &
Carlito dump his big ass out. However, hilariously,
Carlito dumps Masters over, betraying him for the
2nd time inside a month. RVD eliminates
Goldust next with a spinkick, and from there OJ battles
Orton in the corner. It’s Metrosexual Vs. Bisexual and
something has to give! (it’s Jordan). OJ
gets tossed (like a salad?). I’ll be here all week
ladies and gentlemen! HBK wriggles his way out of MNM’s
snap shot from there and dumps both men. This brings out
Vince, who smartly chooses to not Crocodile Mile his way
into the Rumble ring this year and simultaneously blow
out every muscle in his body. Good thinking. Vince
distracts Shawn long enough for 'Mr.
Fantastic' Shane McMahon to sneak up from behind
and dump HBK. Although, with his rubber limbs, he could
have accomplished this by just standing at the top of
the ramp. Michaels then gets pissed, and
chases Shane back in the ring, but HHH helps out
brother-in-law with an attempted pedigree. HBK
however back-drops out of it and superkicks HHH for good
measure, before giving chase to the McMahons. From
there, Carlito goes for his unnamed finisher on RVD, but
Rob counters that and sends Carlito up and over.
Man. I always assumed that Carlito would opt
to go over head first, so that the sheer sponginess
of his hair would act as a de-facto springboard and
somehow catapult him back into the ring. Shows what I
know. Fucking physics.
This leaves Rey with a shitload of
acronyms in RVD, HHH & RKO as your Final Four. OMG!
WTF! RVD & Rey team up, and deliver some cool
tandem offense. No one on commentary mentions they were
Tag Team Champions the last time we saw RVD in the ring,
so I will. Comparing inanimate cages to
fucking meat eating animals? They're
definitely your guys. Basic continuity and common
sense? Not so much. RVD looks to go
up for the five star on Orton, but HHH sends Rey
cascading into him on the top and he spills over. RVD
then goes backstage, squeezes an entire tube of raw
cookie-batter into his mouth and asks when the Royal
Rumble starts. True story. Orton & HHH
then form an alliance and destroy Rey from
there. Could we be seeing the reformation of
EVOLUTION? Nah. Because, if HHH was really
evolving, you'd think his body would have
adapted to remedy his plight of never wanting
to do a fucking JOB by developing say a hump, so
he'd never be able to be laid flat on his back and be
pinned. They then turn on each other and after a
powerslam to the Game, Orton looks for the RKO, but
that’s countered and Triple H catches Orton with a
spinebuster. Yes, that spinebuster. SHADES
OF ARN ANDERSON~! You know, I hope too, that like
AA, (not Alcoholics Anonymous, but boy is that
ironic) one day I develop an ability that
is forever associated only to me by others.
Until then, every time you blow all your rent money
on porn, I want you to yell SHADES OF SEAN CARLESS.
It'll bring me joy. While I starve, freeze and
subsequently die in an alley because I have no
home.
Anyway, Trips then
turns his attention to Rey, and picks him up in
hopes of ditching him out, but somehow Rey counters and
uses a head/body scissors to pull Triple H out! Wow.
Just then I get the visual of a non-fan catching glimpse
of this, and asking how that small child in the
Halloween costume threw that Viking through the
air. I'd love to know how non-fans see
wrestling.
This just leaves Orton & Rey. But
Triple H is infuriated, and he pulls Rey out, and sends
him careening into the steps before rolling his
tiny body back in for Orton. Orton has a smile on
his face, as Cole puts over the fact that HHH may have
just given the Rumble to him. Orton picks Rey up in a
powerslam position and tries to throw him out, but Rey
counters and headscissors Orton out to pick up the win!
Eddie would be so proud. Well, if he was
actually watching. Chances are, he's still trying
to convince God that that whole "Lying, cheating &
stealing" bit was just a gimmick. Not the best
credentials me thinks to get unconditional entry into
Heaven. Just saying.
Winner: Rey Mysterio, who lasted over an
hour. If only he'd have just climbed
directly into the tumbler and picked a better
number, his road to Wrestlemania might have been a
little easier...
/5
-Backstage in the Instant Access area
(not Lita), Trish is online when Mickie comes in
thanking her for "doing the right thing". Trish then
goes after her to “explain a few things”. Stop fighting
it Trish. Give in. And dear god, someone start
playing a SAXOPHONE. Maybe that'll speed this process
up!
-Rey is seen now coming through
the curtain, where he is congratulated by Dean Malenko,
Chavo and Benoit. Edge interrupts the moment and says
he’ll beat Rey if he decides to jump to RAW to challenge
at Mania. This segues into him saying he’ll beat Cena,
and that he’s a “Sexual Tyrannosaurs”. Sexual
Tyrannosaurs? I can't imagine what that
Jurrasic Park would be like. You thought just getting
devoured was bad enough. But seriously, no disrespect to
Edge, but if anyone’s a T-Rex in the WWE, it’d be
Benoit, I think. I mean, really ferocious with little
tiny arms? Come
on!
(C) Edge w/ Lita vs. John Cena w/ 30% more fans
tonight~!: WWE
Championship.
Here we have the Battle of Doctor
of Thuganomics versus a man… in need of a Doctor dealing
in the advanced stages of sexually transmitted diseases?
Sounds about right.
With that
said, in the wake of all this, WWE has since been
desperately trying to salvage what’s left of John Cena’s
babyface credibility, using every trick in the book to
make us love him again …bar hiring the
Alien threat from Roddy Piper’s “They Live” to
subliminally influence us*Obey* all to universally
accept *Obey* Cena as our *Obey* hero. I for one *Obey* think that they’re doing a
great *Obey*job. OBEY.
A
fucking space-shuttle hydraulic bridge lowers and
John Cena now makes his entrance with all sort of
bells and whistles. I'd have thought an Alien
spacecraft type entrance would have suited say JBL more,
myself. After all, he's been known to probe a few
people in his day (HIYO). Edge is out next, to much less
fanfare. No Space entrance for him. I guess the only
huge expansive void he's left with his Lita. That's
right. Joey Styles
however does mention how high the ratings have been
since Edge got the belt…which of course makes the
booking of this one a real head scratcher (or pounder in
my
case.)
Cena dominates early on, until Edge
regains the momentum on the floor when he uses Lita as a
human shield. Edge then spears Cena sandwiching him
against the stairs. Edge sends Cena into the crowd from
there and almost gets the count out win. Cena back
in at 9 however. Edge rams Cena into the stairs again,
then gets him back inside, and hits a top rope dropkick.
Edge then sets up Cena on the top, perhaps for a
superplex, but Cena shrugs him off, and goes for a
flying leg drop (West Newbury Jam?... which for the
record is what all the old white people in his “hood”
sell during their quaint summer-time yard sales.).
Cena rebounds and almost gets an FU from
there, but Edge goes to the eyes, yo, then heads up
for a cross body…which Cena rolls through for a close
near fall. Edge then applies a rear naked choke but Cena
gets out by getting to his feet, and ramming Edge into
the buckles several times. He clearly needs to try
another hold with a thinly veiled double entendre
for sexual abuse. The Pantsless Anal penetrator? The
Roophie-assisted auto-erotic Asphyxiation? Ya, like it's
anymore absurd than REAR NAKED
CHOKE.
Edge tries a spear soon after, but Cena
avoids it and hits a big DDT. Protobomb follows, then
the Five knuckle shuffle, as guys wake up in the crowd
and suddenly remember why they hated this guy in the
first place. Cena has the cover OFF A FUCKING FIST DROP,
but Lita has the referee tied up. Cena goes after Lita,
but sees an Edge charge coming, and Edge instead
collides with Lita, then walks right into a FU, before
Cena gets the STFU for the... submission? WHAT
THE FUCK. Stubborn fucking WWE assholes. Like Edge would
actually submit that easily. You're talking about a dude
who willingly put his dick in Lita's sarlaac-like
vagina. Once you survive that potential death trap,
nothing's got your number.
Winner & *NEW* WWE champion: John
Cena. You can’t see him! If only this were
true.
[Sean's note from
2007: Gee Sean, overreact much? John Cena would
of course somewhat reinvent himself, trading in
his parachute pants for an actual parachute as
a Marine! Strangely, the spinner belt remains. Perhaps
only to make the terrorists nauseating dizzy before
he kills them? I don't
know.]
/5
-Backstage Tard Grisham tries to catch a
word with Edge & Lita. Edge has no time for him, but
Lita stays behind briefly to be confronted by Hacksaw
Jim Duggan for the “Hooooooo!” pay off. However, my
question is this; why doesn't Jim Duggan ever wear
pants? I mean EVER? Dude's not even wrestling
tonight, and he's practically freeballing it. What
gives?
-Josh Matthews catches up with Kurt
Angle. Angle says he can beat Henry in ways not even
invented yet, before telling him he sucks. Man. If
only there was a way Kurt could "invent a way to defeat
Henry" where we'd actually not have to see the match. If
only.
(C) Kurt Angle w/ pot
belly of solid muscle vs. Mizark Henry w/ pecs that wrap
around his entire body; World Heavyweight Title
Match;
Who are we to judge
Mark Henry’s title push? Just because his lumbering
uncoordinated ways put the biggest star on the brand on
the shelf, he had his most physically grueling bout
ever with an inanimate steel cage door, and has no
discernable talent in his strangely disproportioned
body, doesn’t mean he don’t deserve a crack at the
brand’s top belt. Oh wait. Yes it does. I stand
corrected.
Angle sure has
his work cut out for him here. I’d use the old Ric Flair
“broomstick” analogy, but sadly “Toilet brush” seems a
little more apropos. And Henry more than lives up to
this hype, believe me.
Anyway, prior to the bout, Cole, in the
most retarded hyperbole EVER, says “Here we have what I
consider the Main Event!”; the fact it's the LAST
FUCKING MATCH ON THE SHOW
notwithstanding.
Kurt starts off trying to take Henry
down, but big Mizark keeps shrugging him off. Daivari
eventually gets involved, and Henry nearly puts Kurt
away with a big splash. It’s only been three minutes so
it’s REST HOLD time, as Henry grabs Angle in a Bear hug.
Speaking of Bears, Tazz states that Henry resembles a
bear in an awkward moment. If only that were true. It’s
still legal to hunt bears, right? Hand me my rifle.
Anyway, Angle
eventually counters the bear hug by hip-locking Mark
over. Angle goes up top from there, but gets caught,
presumably for Henry’s World’s strongest slam or
whatever clown-shoes name the Office has labeled it.
Angle however counters out and gets the cankle lock, but
Daivari is up on the apron, and Mizark powers out. Angle
follows up with a huge German (not this) and the Angle
Slam, but that only gets two. A ref bump follows soon
after, and Angle retrieves a chair, lays Daivari out
with it, but Henry catches the chair in mid-swing when
Kurt tries to use it on him. From there, since it takes
all the blood in his swollen body to tear phone books in
half, and only 1% of it is reaching his brain, Mizark
puts the chair down, allowing Angle to pick it back up
and waffle Henry twice with it. Angle revives the
referee but only gets two. Angle, now in desperation,
unties the middle buckle and ends up drop toe-holding
Henry into it, and picks up the win with a school boy
roll up. Dear lord.
Winner & still
champion: Kurt Angle. And now that this bit of
unpleasantness is done, Angle can hopefully move onto
Wrestlemania, and Henry and his cornrows can return to
1987 and finish systematically decimating Arnold
Schwarzenegger’s
platoon.
/5
-After the match, Angle is celebrating
when the lights go out. And it’s Undertaker! He no sells
death so what’s a little hepatitis, right? Taker rides
out on a chariot, and makes a machination that he wants
the belt. He then uses his super natural powers to
destroy the ring with lightning~! until it collapses in
a heap. It's too bad he couldn't have saved a bolt for
Mark Henry, that way he could have incinerated him and
we'd be spared ever having to sit through another match
like that. Jesus.
End
show.
Final Thoughts: To use an
analogy, this PPV was like getting a blowjob. It built
up slowly but pleasantly at the beginning, and by the
Rumble it built almost to climax, but just when you
think you’re about to cum, here’s the last two matches
to bite off your cock and spit it in your face. Ok, that
was a terrible analogy. But it pretty much summed up the
evening for me. The Rumble delivered, and the opening CW
match was decent, but the rest ranged from disappointing
to out and out abortion. There was NO discernable reason
to take the title off of Edge since his reign was
actually drawing, but hey, we all know what Vince REALLY
wants his Wrestlemania Main Event to be. I’ve seen worse
pay-per-views (although Angle Vs. Henry might be the
worst WWE main event EVER) but I came away disappointed
by the end. I just can’t give this show a thumbs up in
good
conscience.
WWE ROYAL
RUMBLE
