WWE
ROYAL
RUMBLE
2004:(01/25/04)
Hey
there, Rasslin' nuts, I'm Sean Carless and welcome to
the Royal Rumble! Wrestling's most predictable
Pay-per-view! And probably the only "match" where a
dude actually has a more realistic shot if he gets a
completely terrible number. There's no love for number
30. The closest at this point has been 27, and
believe you me, that's an advantage that's just not
what it's all cracked up to be. And if you
do draw number
27,
and heaven help you (umm literally) win; well, I
hope you got your ass a dark suit in your
closet, because you just might need
it....
We
are LIVE from Philadelphia! The city of brotherly love!
I always figured that'd be a better catchphrase for say
the Ozarks, seeing how there's a serious shortage of
women up in them there hills, and you make due with
what you got. But hey,
whatever.
Onto the
show~!
Earlier on (no)
HEAT, Victoria beat Molly Holly in a non-title match,
with a particularly devastating Widow's peak, that saw
Molly land hard on her knees. I could make a
tasteless joke about Molly on her knees, but she's a
PROUD VIRGIN, so honestly, the only experience she has
in that position is tying her shoes. Oh
well.
(C)
Ric Flair & Batista vs. The Dudley Boyz; World Tag
team Titles: TABLES MATCH.
This was your
official opener here, and before the match, Batista got
on the stick and went for some cheap heat by insulting
the Eagles. Heh. It's just a shame North Carolina
already has an NFL team, because I was hoping there'd be
a chance that Flair would get himself a franchise. Who
couldn't get behind the Carolina Saggyskins? I know I
would.
Anyhoo, the
story behind this one is that Flair & Pseudo
Sid here surprised the Dudley's last month in a
gauntlet match, and STOLE the titles... eventually
leading to Evolution ending up with all the titles
ala the Horsemen in 1988... which is what they're
so obviously patterned after. In fact, I heard they were
going to actually call themselves the Horsemen, but
Batista took it a little literally and figured
that'd mean HHH would shoot him with a shotgun and put
him out of his misery because he keeps getting injured
all the fucking time. And maybe that's for the best. I
don't want to see Batista end up as glue anyway.
Besides, I heard that it can't ever work, no matter many
times it's used...
Glad we cleared
that up.
With that said,
this match was BEYOND terrible. In fact, I'm pretty sure
the only thing more wooden than the tables
here would be Batista himself, who worked this
match like the Tin-man trying to walk through quick
sand. Dudleys isolate Flair for most of the match,
double teaming him, but for some reason COACH runs in,
and distracts Bubba long enough for Batista to simply
spinebuster D-Von through the tables for the win.
Yup.
Winners and
STILL World Tag team Champions: Ric Flair & Batista.
Finally, Big Dave gets revenge on D-Von for that whole
"Deacon Batista" phase. I always wondered what kind of
Christian Church would allow a guy with a sleeveless
suit who called himself "THE DEMON OF THE DEEP" to
carry around their collection plate. I doubt that shit
would fly. No wonder Reverend D-Von's ministries
went under so fast.
/5
-After the
match, Coach catches a quick word with the Champs. Ric
Flair yells that he told The Dudley's someone was going
to get put through a table tonight. Umm, obviously.
That's kinda the whole point of the match there,
Naitch. That'd be like someone saying after the Tour De
France "I told you someone would ride a bicycle here
tonight!"
-Backstage, John Cena is interviewed. He
says to "bet on the kid who pumps up his shoes" to take
the Rumble tonight. What, that annoying little black kid
who lives next door to me? Why the fuck is he in
the Rumble? Oh. Anyway, he
is then interrupted by Rob Van Dam. Cena says that
Rob's been talking to Mary Jane. Wait. He was talking to
Spiderman's girlfriend? Holy shit. I knew RVD owned a
comic store and everything, but I didn't know he was in
that good! Oh, he meant. Umm, never
mind....
(C) Rey
Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble w/ Nidia w/ THE
BLINDNESS.
Umm, ya. Nidia
is still blind here. Who knew that getting koolaid spit
in your face caused you to lose your sight forever. No
wonder everyone died after that cult leader made them
drink it. THAT SHIT IS LETHAL. Oh
yeahhhhhhhh!
This was a solid match, but much like the
first, it felt too much like a TV match; and the fact it
barely eclipsed three minutes is a testament to that.
After a lot of back and forth, Noble looks for the Tiger
Driver (a hold invented by Siegfried & Roy, I
hear. No wonder Roy got mauled! It was just a
matter of time before the tiger's got sick of taking all
those finishers!) but Rey countered out; and as Noble
bounced to the ropes, Blind
Nidia gets involved, tripping up Noble by
*accident*. Damn you, Nidia! This just
proves once and for all that you can never trust a
blind person. I mean, look at that Stevie Wonder. His
eyes are all shifty all the time. You can just tell he's
up to something! Oh, that's a lack of muscle control
brought on by perpetual blindness? My
bad.
Anyway, this allows Rey-Rey to
finish with a 619 and a dropping of the dime. Paul
Heyman then runs out and puts it in his
pocket.
Winner and
STILL champion: Rey Mysterio, thanks to an assist from
Blind Nidia. I guess she figured that if you're going to
be blind, who better to associate yourself with
than a dude with WHITE FUCKING PUPILS... who
irregardless can still see. Perhaps Rey will
share his secret with her?
/5
Eddie Guerrero
vs. Chavo Guerrero w/o Junior w/ Chavo w/ Senior.
Confused yet?
The end of Los
Guerreros. No more lying, cheating and stealing. Ah,
what a shame. Who'd ever think a relationship built
entirely on indulgences and being a really horrible
person could go so wrong? What a head
scratcher.
Chavo is of course accompanied to the
ring by his father, Chavo Sr., and he still
isn't called Chavo jr. How many Chavos
have to be out there before he gets called that? Anyway,
this match was clearly worked
under WWE's new mantra of mat-based psychology, and it
told the story that Eddie was staying in control of his
emotions and grinding Chavo down through wrestling
instead of brawling. Chavo senior ends up getting a
cheap shot off on Eddie, as the crowd begins chanting
"Chavo sucks". Which one? There's two out
there! Cole then notes that "Chavo" deserves the
chants... if you know what he means. No, I
don't know what you mean, Michael. Are you outting
Chavo? What the fuck is going on here? Anyway, Chavo,
steals a page out of Eddie's book, (I hope it's not that
chapter on him falling asleep in the shower, with
Bradshaw backstage, who knows what could happen!) and
starts the triple verticals, but Eddie blocks on the
third. Chavo then tries to finish with his tornado DDT,
which contrary to popular belief is completely
useless on tropical storms, but Eddie counters out
again, hits his own triple vertical suplexes, goes
upstairs and squashes Chavo with the frogsplash to pick
up the win. Good, but really short
match.
Winner: Eddie
Guerrero, who celebrates his win by "snapping"
and beating the ever loving shit out of his brother
and nephew. Cole and Tazz cry over the fact that this
appears to be the end of wrestling's greatest family.
However, there's some dead Germans down in Texas, and
bitter Canadians up in Alberta that might disagree with
that statement. Ok, the Von Erich's aren't
really saying anything. If they were,
that'd mean they'd still be alive... and
probably wondering what they were doing in a
fucking box right now. Poor
bastards.
- Backstage,
Chris Benoit is interviewed by Josh Matthews on his #1
draw, when Flair, Batista & Orton interrupt.
Flair puts over Benoit as a great wrestler, but rubs it
in that he can't win "the big one". My theory on that
has always been that the company always wanted
to put the belt on him, but since he's physically
unable to reach behind his back with his arms to
fasten the strap, it was just awkward for everyone. Ah,
I kid ya, Chris. I love ya.
-Video package
for Bob Holly vs. Brock Lesnar. You know what's worse
than having to sit through a match you have no urges to
ever fucking watch? Listening to a detailed 5
minute chronicle of that match. Dear
god.
(C) Brock Lesnar vs.
Bob Holly: WWE
TITLE.
Thankfully, the
only "Title" Holly earned tonight was "worst lame duck
world title challenger ever", having ended The Patriot's
amazing near seven year reign. Congratulations, Sparky!
But seriously, has there even been a less credible
challenger than Bob Holly? Man, the endings to Titanic
and fucking Pearl Harbor were probably more in
question than the result of this fucking match. But hey,
who knows? Maybe this would FINALLY be the
night that Bob Holly would find that same reserve
he had when he lost 13,000 straight matches over the
last decade, and pull it off? After all, if you can go
toe to toe and *almost* pull out the "w" against
a legend like the Goon,
what's besting 300 lbs.
dominant Collegiate champion? That's
right.
The story
here is that Holly would rather "break Lesnar's neck"
than win the Title, but since it is Sparky Plugg, the
story means nothing. After all, if you were SO ANGRY
that you really wanted to end someone's livelihood,
would you do so with a FUCKING DROPKICK? Not that Lesnar
was any better here. For a guy so terrified of a dude
whose career highlights include knowing the location of
every strobe light on every ceiling in every arena
across the country, he opts to STOP THIS BY GAWD TERROR
with a... BEAR HUG? Seriously. "I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR
STALKING AND PLAGUING ME WITH YOUR
UNRELENTING REVENGE THAT I SHALL WRAP MY ARMS
AROUND YOU FOR 3 STRAIGHT MINUTES DOING
NOTHING, SO I MAY CATCH MY BREATH! FEEL MY WRATH!"
Yup. Anyway, Holly eventually hits an Alabama Slam, but
opts to instead snare a full nelson rather the
cover; but Lesnar, a 300 pound guy, ROLLS TO THE FLOOR
IN TERROR... from a 230 pound guy. Seriously. Maybe
Holly should have given him a purple nurple. He'd have
tapped out 5 minutes ago. Anyway, Holly doesn't let go
of the hold, but once he does, he rolls back in,
probably trying to remember just what he has left
in his arsenal, now that he's unleashed the plague
of horrors that is a standing dropkick. Lesnar
then gets back up on the apron, so Holly applies a
2ND Full Nelson, but Lesnar counters out by dropping out
of the ring to the floor, which snaps Holly's neck
against the ropes. Lesnar then slips in and hits a quick
F-5 to end the misery. Poor Bob Holly. Maybe he should
have just jumped into his stock car and ran over Brock?
That way he'd have bought himself a few more minutes
until Lesnar just beat him anyway.
Winner &
STILL Champion: Brock Lesnar. Who knows what jobber will
come out of the wood work next looking for payback.
Maybe we'll find out this coming Thursday night
that Brock once really hurt Barry Horowitz's
feelings in early 2000, and we'll get another REALLY
AWESOME 3 month feud! I'm stoked!
/5
(C) HHH vs. HBK; World Heavyweight
Title match; Last Man Standing.
Hey, I think we
have found the answer to why every match preceding
this has only been given like 5 minutes. Either
that, or tonight will introduce the first ever "20
minute intervals" between Rumble entries. And sadly, if
that is the case, Benoit will only weigh 45
pounds by match's end if he does pull it off. But
regardless I guess someone decided the rest of
the card would take a back seat to Triple H's big title
defense here. Man, who's this guy fucking?
Oh.
They should of
changed the name of this match to "No man Standing"
because the ending ruined what was to that point a
fantastic match. And speaking of matches, do you
remember when this was considered a dream match? Me too.
But that was 300 matches ago. I think by this
point, HBK has spent more time on top of HHH then he has
his wife Rebecca. Dear lord.
Anyway, HBK & HHH continue to be
a master of ring psychology, and as the match
progressed, they continued to draw fans into the story.
One big spot saw HBK attempt an Asai
moonsault to the outside, but HHH moves and
Michaels flies into the Spanish Announce table. I could
point out that it is kind of foolish to use a move that
could potentially knock YOURSELF unconscious in a match that
can only be won by , umm, knocking your opponent
unconscious, but umm, I kinda just did. But seriously.
That'd be like stopping a robbery attempt by pointing a
gun at your own chest and pulling the
trigger, hoping that it passes clean through and
takes out the assailant. Or maybe I'm just putting too
much thought into this....
Anyway, HHH
takes advantage and batters HBK on the floor, and HBK is
BLEEDING, and bleeding something fierce. Man, this guy
bleeds A LOT. And it's always from the head, so
you can rule out Stigmata. Oh well. Anyway, lot's
more near ten counts from there (too many to count,
plus, I umm, don't want to? Yup.) but eventually, HHH
pastes HBK with a chair, and that looks to be all, but
Michaels STILL gets up.
Eventually, HHH
tries for a pedigree but HBK back drops out and HHH
lands on the chair. HBK goes into his full offensive
flurry from there; the forearm, the kip-up, and the
flying elbow. He then begins to menacingly stomp his
foot, as I start to wonder why the fuck no one ever
seems to know what that pounding means. "Wait. What is
that thumping sound? There it is again! and again! and
again! and again! What could this be? Well, let's turn
around at find out! Wait it's a su...BLARRRRRRRRGGGGH".
You get the idea. HHH however, avoids the kick, and goes
low. From there, Michaels recovers and gets a sleeper,
before dropping HHH and demanding a count. He gets 8,
before HHH staggers to his feet. HHH then comes back
with a big DDT soon after, but HBK is up at 8. Both men
then collapse on one another, and the ref counts both,
but they're collectively up at 9. Just then, Trips hits
THE NUCLEAR PEDIGREE~!, but it doesn't finish HBK, who's
up at 9, because Kliq members, and ONLY kliq
members possess the secret to surviving it's life
obliterating fallout. Just ask Booker T. It took a
team of scientists to reanimate him from his one at WM
19...
Anyway, Triple
H, then walks right into some sweet chin music, and is
down in out, but Michaels, collapses as well, as the
effects of nuclear pedigree have finally caught up with
him apparently. They always say the radiation gets you
after a blast. I guess they were right. The referee
starts his count and BOTH men get counted out, which
didn't please the crowd to say the
least.
Winner: No one!
Everyone! Both! Neither! DRAW! Even-steven!
Stalemate! Impasse! Tie! Deadlock! Dead heat!... and
I've kinda run out of thesaurus words for NO
ONE WANTED TO DO A FUCKING JOB HERE. That's
right. The problem when you book two guys who don't ever
fucking lose is, well, someone kinda has to lose.
What a predicament. So, they just dusted
off the old Rock/Foley St. Valentine's Day Massacre
finish, and knocked each other out. Man, I
wonder if this also happens in other games between these
two friends. I can just imagine a spirited game of
chess between them, with each about to have checkmate,
when suddenly, they just look at each other and
keel over simultaneously. Stephanie then runs
out, clears the board quickly, calls it a
draw; they wake up, pin Rob Van Dam, and
everybody's happy! Good stuff.
- Eric Bischoff
comes out and buries Philadelphia and Rival-GM, Paul
Heyman. Heyman then comes out to a lukewarm
response surprisingly, and the two begin to brawl. This
of course brings out "Sheriff" Stone Cold Steve Austin,
riding in his scooter o' justice. And by his
display here, I think it's pretty safe to say, this
particular "Sheriff" is no hurry to enforce
those pesky drinking and driving laws. Someone's
gonna be MAAD as hell!
Anyway, I don't
think I need to tell you what happens next. But I will
anyway. Stunners for both men. Actually, a stunner for
Bischoff. Then he drank a beer with Heyman,
then remembered Heyman forgot to sign his name on
his one ECW pay-check in 1995, so he stunned
him too. Huh. If one was a conspiracy theorist, one
could say that this was a subtle burial
of WCW and ECW with WWE's biggest star
obliterating both. But hey, the alternative is Vince
restarting one of the companies, and running it into the
ground just because he can. I guess we should be happy
he hasn't ever thought of
that.
[Sean's note
from 2007: Dear Lord...
].
-Terri Runnels
and her perpetually hard nipples since 1996
interviews Goldberg. Lesnar then enters and makes light
of Bill for no longer having the World Title since they
last met. Goldberg then says he's going to take the
Rumble tonight, and says "ain't that right, Hardcore?"
which spooks Lesnar... because umm, the prospect of
having to defeat a fledgling midcarder in
under 6 minutes again has him
completely terrified? Brock then says "You, got me
this time, Bill. But I'll have the last
laugh. Ain't that right, JERRY FLYNN?" and
Goldberg, completely stunned, yells out "Jerry
Flynn?! I thought I had seen the last of you
when we wrestled 74 straight times on Thunder!
Dear God, it's happening again!". Ok, the last part
of this exchange never really happened. But damn it, it
should have. This impending rivalry clearly needs
more panic-inducing jobbers.
Clearly.
ROYAL
RUMBLE
IT IS NOW TIME
FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE~! Rules: 30 men. 29 go. One dude
remains. He gets a Title shot. If only the ring
announcer could learn from my sweet, sweet brevity here.
I think the fucking tedious explanation of the
rules here is the real reason we're only getting 90
second intervals.
#1
is.... Chris Benoit! Chris Benoit is here and he's
really mad! Chris Benoit is here and he's really Ang-ry!
Admittedly, this sounds better with kazoos. #2
is Randy Orton, the Legend Killer! Man, Christmas with
his Dad and grandfather must have been real awkward this
year. You never know when Randy might get
the sudden urge to murder them by virtue of
their status in the business. Yup. #3 is Mark Henry, the
only man in the world whose pecs stretch around his
entire body. #4 is Tajiri! The Japanese Buzzsaw! I
ordered one of those on an Infomercial the other night,
but had to return it, because it kept inexplicably
spraying me in the face every time I used it.
No one's been
eliminated yet. #5 is Bradshaw of the APA, which if
you've seen their shirts, now stands for "Always
Pounding Ass". Man, that joke's too easy even for me.
Bradshaw however doesn't stick around too long and is
eliminated by Benoit before the next buzzer even went
off. Weird. That doesn't bode too well for him [Sean's
note from 2007: Umm, ya. He only got the longest WWE
Title reign in 9 years just 3 months later... Shows
what I know...].
#6 is Rhyno,
living proof that "F" wasn't the only letter to "get
out" in WWE. "i" was also a casualty. Tajiri
stupidly tries to put the Tarantula on Mark Henry. Ya,
hanging upside down out of the ring is the best strategy
in this match. Tajiri ultimately pays for that by being
dumped out by both Henry and Rhyno. Mark Henry goes
out next at the hands of Benoit, after apparently being
misted by Tajiri, which if Nidia is any indicator, means
that he's now completely blind. Oh noes! Now he'll
be useless as a wrestler! *Ahem*.
#7 is Matt
Hardy, Version 1. #8, is Scott Steiner!... fresh from
guarding the sacred chalice of Christ as his part time
job of Knight Templar! #9 is Matt Morgan, big and
strong, but just not the same since his partner Nathan
Jones took his umm, milk, and went home. Too bad,
too. I was hoping Morgan could get himself a baker
gimmick just so we could call their team "Milk &
Cookies". Hell, Stacy KEIBLER could be their manager!
This shit writes itself. #10 is The Hurricane, and the
S.H.I.T. is on!..unfortunately he's tossed not even a
minute later by Matt Morgan. "Stand Back!..So I can,
umm, land safely on the floor without threat of
injury!". Heh. Doesn't quite have the same
ring.
#11 is Booker
T. who goes right after Scott Steiner. A worm hole (not
Scotty 2 Hotty's ass) then opens up and sends them back
to March of 2001! Strange! Kane comes in at #12.
Scott Steiner is dumped out by Booker. Holla, so he can
hear you! He's getting kind of old now so you'll need to
speak up! Kane destroys everyone in the ring.
Undertaker's gong then goes off, and Kane freaks out. He
gets dumped out by Booker T, soon after. #13 is Spike
Dudley, who unfortunately never makes it to the ring,
and gets obliterated by Kane. Hey, didn't this poor
bastard just get off injury reserve? Man, that'd be
like finding out you beat cancer, only to step off the
curb and get mowed down by a fucking
bus.
#14 is Rikishi.
With all the hot women on this roster, it's Rikishi who
has the real breasts and shows the most skin. That's
thought provoking and completely terrifying. Benoit
dumps out his Brother in arms (as in completely not
proportioned) Rhyno. #15 is Rene Dupree, the wrestling
sun-dial! Lay him flat on his back outside and you can
tell what time it is!
Dupree and his erection dropkick Matt
Hardy out. It's at this point I think one of those
Internet Explorer "error" screens should pop up in honor
of V1. Of course, that's just me. Rikishi then
eliminates Dupree during his dance. #16 is
A-Train, the man who has the world convinced that NYC's
public transit system could use a good shave. Take a
taxi! They've had a Brazilian! Morgan goes out by
Benoit, and Orton dumps both Rikishi and Booker T, soon
after. #17 is
Shelton Benjamin. A-Train mysteriously disappears during
Shelton's intro. My theory is someone threw a bucket of
Nair on him and he dissolved like the wicked Witch
in Wizard of Oz. Shelton goes out in like 35
seconds from there by Orton. World's greatest Tag
team. World's Worst Battle Royal entrant, apparently.
This just leaves Orton & Benoit, numbers 1 & 2
(not piss & shit) alone
again.
#18 is "The
Cat" Ernest Miller. He gets dumped out in
almost record time. I'd say "someone call his
Mama", but she's disowned his ass after that
performance. #19 is Kurt Angle, a man whose probably
kicking himself for having ever taken Scott Hall's
advice on a neck surgeon. Knowing where to accost and
sexually assault elderly women? Scott's your man.
Everything else? Not so much. #20 is Rico, Former Las
Vegas Police Officer and current latent homosexual. I'd
hate to be thrown into the drunk tank at his Police
Station. You'd have to wear a pair of pants with
a hemorrhoid cushion sewn into the ass. Oh, he
lasts about as long as it took me to write that joke, as
Orton sent him up and over. Test was to be #21, but
he's laying unconscious on the floor. Austin is then
seen telling someone to get their ass out there. And
it's MICK FOLEY~! Holy shit. Mark out time. Foley comes
in like a psycho and goes after Orton! Cactus
clothesline takes both he and Orton out. Fucking
Awesome.
#22 is Christian. #23 is Nunzio, the last
remaining F.B.I. member, as Chuck Palumbo and Johnny The
Bull have apparently been put into the witness
protection where NO ONE will find them, or "OVW' as it's
more commonly referred to. Foley & Orton are
brawling on the floor and Nunzio gets Mr. Socko
because he's in the wrong place at the wrong time. # 24
is Big Show, fresh from whipping himself up some dinner
in his hands backstage. #25 is Chris Jericho. #26 is
Charlie Haas. Christian gets eliminated by Chris
Jericho. First he gets rejected by a woman for equating
her worth to a dollar and now this. Is there no sense or
justice? #27 is BILLY
GUNN. Billy Gunn has drawn NUMBER 27! If there was
ever a time to pull for Billy to win this thing, it's
now! Or, maybe I just have my own selfish reasons
for that.....
#28 is John Cena, complete with new
marketing friendly Word life knux! Knowing WWE, they'll
market this poor motherfucker to the point
where we all turn on him. What's next ,a fucking
blinged out Championship belt? [Sean's note from
2007: ..... ] #
29 is old Mr. Potato Hands himself, Rob Van Dam, and #
30 is homeless Bill Goldberg, who was just
reactivated last week according to JR. (Wait.
Reactivated? I KNEW HE WAS A ROBOT. The promos gave it
away!). Goldberg eliminates Nunzio and Charlie Haas in
short order. He then goes after Big Show, but Brock
Lesnar runs in and ambushes him from behind with the
F-5! Kurt Angle then dumps out Goldberg, who'll now head
back to the Island he and Tom Hanks were stranded on for
the last month. (Jesus, Bill. Is a fucking shave
really asking too
much?)
From there,
everyone left in the ring (Jericho, Cena, RVD, Angle,
Benoit) try to pitch out Show, who does all
the Andre tributes (except the dying
part), but to no avail. The irony here was that it
was all the IWC favorites teaming up to try and
eliminate the hated "Hoss"... and the Hoss still
prevails. DID I MENTION HIS HANDS ARE LIKE SKILLETS?
Show then dumps out RVD, then Cena, who looks
to tweak his knee on the way out. Clearly, the best way
to have eliminated Show from this thing would be to dump
a Little Debbie's snack cake on the arena floor, and
when he bent over the ropes to pick it up, everyone
could have just tipped him out. These guys need me out
there~!
Anyway, your final 4 (8 if you count
Show) are Jericho, Angle, Benoit and of course
Big Show... for whom WWE never did tell us
just exactly what that "show" exactly was. I hope
for our sakes it's not Puppetry of the Penis. I
wouldn't wish that fate on anyone. Big Show continues to
rampage, dumping out Jericho, then Angle who tried an
ankle lock (cankle-lock?) on the big man, but he just
propelled him out. This just leaves Benoit and Show and
one of these men is going to Wrestlemania!... while the
other will likely make his FIRST EVER U.S. heavyweight
title defense! You know, despite having the belt
for OVER 4 MONTHS. Dear lord. Benoit and Big Show
then circle each other as the crowd comes alive, knowing
the end is near. It's at this point, I start to worry
for Chris because I'm convinced Show
once overheard Nash refer to Benoit as a "Vanilla
midget" in WCW, and he now thinks he was literally
made of fudge and will try to consume him by match's
end. Of course, by this point, I'm completely drunk off
my rocker so don't listen to
me.
Big Show dominates Benoit, but Chris
gets a defensive front face lock. Show then drops him on the apron, but
Benoit keeps his grip. Benoit then slowly starts choking
Show out, and repositioning his own body under the ropes
to give himself more leverage. Finally, after a titanic
struggle, Show teeters out, and Benoit pulls him to the
floor to win the match! Chris Benoit is going to
Wrestlemania!
Fantastic
Rumble, my ridiculousness aside.
Winner: Chris
Benoit! Who'll finally headline Wrestlemania!... while
hopefully not ending up under the heaving body of The
Game. Because it seems, these days, the only
person who gets to lay on top of Hunter for more
than two seconds is Steph; so I'm not holding my
breath... but I am keeping my fingers crossed. Now
where did I put that kazoo?
End
Show.
FINAL THOUGHTS: This
pay-per-view was the equalivalent of a dying man
suddenly resuscitated . It looked like things were
curtains half way through, but thanks to two spirited
matches, the corpse of this show quickly re-animated and
came out stronger than it did before. Still though,
there's really no excuse for a fucking THREE MINUTE
match on a show I'm paying forty dollars of my not hard
earned money for (fun fact: I cheat the
government!) . However, the Rumble was so good,
that by night's end, I completely forgot about how
disappointingly short the undercard was.
So, TWO THUMBS
OF UPPERY from this sarcastic motherfucker
overall.
