I SAID ARE YOU READY FOR THE SURVIVOR SERIES?
Who will survive?
I bought it, for some reason. However, to punish the Survivor Series for being such a bad card, I bumped it to second
class status and ordered the replay after Arrested Development. Take that, show
that still got my same $35 regardless!
Match Result: La Resistance
beat Hurricane & Rosey
Open with the close from Raw as the teams
of four strive to surviv...or. I just took a Benadryl so I'm not very lucid,
sorry. You can call me MISTER Benadryl.
Todd and Ivory are outside the Gund Arena
and probably pretty cold, though not pretty cool. Todd says it has not been a
good day in Cleveland so far -- ha ha suck it the Browns, p.s. I love you, Uncle Ben -- and I'm guessing it won't get much
better with this lineup, which they go over. Ivory says people on the street
have been telling her how grateful they are that WWE is going back to traditional elimination matches. Weird. All the people on the streets of Cleveland who've talked
to me were mainly interested in getting money. And homes.
Todd tries to diffuse an awkward situation
among his colleagues since he's ditched the Coach for Ivory tonight, but Coach is not having it and tells Todd to shut it
up. Inside the arena, Coach introduces the video package for Lita vs. Trish,
which is, let's face it, far and away the best built feud on this pay-per-view.
Backstage, Maria knocks on Evolution's
dressing room door and recites lines to Ric Flair which ask him if she can talk to Triple H.
Flair answers her questions instead, says that he's outraged by the way HHH was treated on Raw and tomorrow night the
entire locker room will pay homage to Evolution. Not to be mean -- or to be mean
and feel guilty about it -- but you kind of get the feeling that Maria is this close to speaking the stage directions and
the other people's lines in the script and all the other stuff people do in bad audition scenes on sitcoms.*
* Notes from present day: Keep in mind that this was only Maria’s first month under contract and they had not
given her the dummy gimmick yet. You have come a long way, baby.
Tonight:
La Resistance vs. Hurricane & Rosey. Sure why not.
Monster Job of
the Week: From Smackdown last month, John Cena does the monster job to Carlito and loses the U.S. Title.
At ringside, Michael Cole and Tazz recap
the Cena stabbing incident. Which, based on what we saw tonight, could not have
been very bad at all. Really, if CSI has taught me anything, and it's taught
me so much, it's that you just can't stab anybody anymore these days. Take some
tips from the experts at CSI, why don't you. They would've gone to the nightclub,
found the knife, found Cena's blood on it, found Luther Reigns' blood on it since he apparently gets stabbed every week, matched
the DNA from Carlito's apple, and convicted him. And they would've solved the
Paul Bearer murder in the same episode.
Recap of the Torrie Wilson Sex Test yeah
go to hell.
Outside, Todd and Ivory discuss Hei den
Hei den reich versus the Undertaker. Here's a video package. That Snitsky/Heidenreich confrontation tonight was easily the best thing either of those guys will ever
do, ever, so they should both quit right now.
Inside, Josh Mathews asks
Paul Heyman why he pulled Hei den Hei den reich away from his confrontation with Undertaker.
Paul says Heidenreich has a strategy, which is to fight Undertaker on his terms, not Taker's. Now, what would've been great, greater than Snitsky meets Heidenreich, is if Josh interviewed MAVEN, and
was like, "My gosh, we both sure are kicking a lot of butt as of late, aren't we, Maven?"
And Maven was like, "Oh yeah! Who's ready for Maven?! I'm Tough Enough!" And they were both like, "Tough Enough! What a wonderful, star-making show," while a Million Dollar Tough Enough sign subtly
hung behind them. And then Maven's cell rang and it was Nidia, so he turned it
off. Yeah, that would have been something.*
* Notes from present day: Do you remember the ephemeral Booker T & Josh vs. JBL & Orlando feud? And a joke about Orlando and small effete men?
Let us take you back to the Undertaker/Heidenreich
confrontation from Smackdown. Heidengoseek.
WWE Rewind: Shelton
Benjamin defeats Tyson Tomko. Ooh, they also should've done a Christian/Tomko
and Carlito/Jesus confrontation. Christian could've bragged about stabbing Jericho
in the back, Carlito could've bragged about stabbing Cena in the intestine.
Back to the Coach inside. He shows a clip of De Troit Basket Ball wearing World Heavyweight Title Belts. Rumor has it that LeBron is in the house tonight; if so, Coach will get the scoop. What he should really be wondering is if Mark Cuban is coming back for revenge against Orton, a la Pete
Rose and Kane.
Coach goes over the Raw matches, then
Cole and Tazz discuss the Smackdown side of the card. Cole thinks the SD matches
are better, which is nothing to brag about.
Let us take you back to the end of Smackdown
and the attack on Big Show. WWE.com provides exclusive footage of Big Show taking
his shoe off. They truly get the scoops.
In the tradition of "Control," "Always,"
and "Build a Bridge," the official theme song of the Survivor Series is "Ugly." They
do all sound pretty similar, what with the singing, the music, the repeating of the chorus ... actually it's kind of hard
to explain, isn't it. Especially on Benadryl.
Todd and Ivory discuss JBL's promise
to leave Smackdown if he loses tonight. Video package for Bradshaw/Booker. But how can Mr. Layfield be taken at his word when he was pinned by Rikishi on Smackdown
on March 18, 2004 -- four days AFTER Wrestlemania 20? (Paid for by Swift Boat
Veterans for Faarooq.)
Moments Ago, Booker T arrived. Cole puts his money on Booker T tonight, which is not a good sign. Er, I mean, look at all this incredible heat JBL is building up by coming through on his guarantees to
beat the babyfaces every month.
There's going to be an Armageddon press
conference tomorrow in Atlanta. "The End Is Here.
Almost."
Despite his pleas, the crowd is not very
receptive to the Hassan vignette from Monday. No Merci.
Non-Title Match: LA RESISTANCE
vs. HURRICANE and ROSEY
Have you seen this match
once? Then congratulations, for you have also seen it one thousand times. Ross and Lawler are our new announcers. Hurricane
and Sylvain start. Hurricane hits a suplex and tags in Rosey for stereo legdrops
to the face and groin. Corner whip, Rosey charges into Sylvain's feet, Sylvain
with a second rope sunset flip, Rosey sits down on him. Conway in, Rosey ducks
his clothesline and Hurricane halts him with a Hurripose. Conway whipped into
the corner, Grenier whipped into him and back out for a backdrop, Conway avoids an avalanche.
They awkwardly doubleteam Rosey in their
corner forever and ever until Rosey gets a Samoan drop on Grenier. Tag to Hurricane,
tag to Conway, clotheslines for everybody. Grenier clotheslined over the top
rope, Conway hit with some twisty Unprettier kind of move for 2. Hurricane to
the top, kicks Grenier off, and delivers a flying bodypress for 1 2 no. Eye of
the Hurricane is shoved off and Hurricane collides with Rosey. Grenier pulls
Rosey off the apron, then sneaks in to hit Au Revoir on Hurricane. 123. Hurricane could be upset with Rosey again, though we don't get any reaction shots.
Video package for the Raw Traditional
Survivor Series Match for absolute control. Eric Bischoff's Vacation is not quite
as draconian a selling point as Steve Austin's Career was, but this is, after all, a match with Maven and Gene Snitsky in
it.
jmshapyro@yahoo.com
