Welcome back to the best damn Raw Rant. We're racially tolerant. Seriously. We
Are as I'm watching tonight's show with a black man! Take that you crackers. I'm officially more racially sensitive than the
WWE.
Raw 05.05.08
Show opens with Vince McMahon and my attention span is automatically cut down to
nil. Apparently he decides to make a statement about the ending that many people e-mailed and protested that he come here
and respond to Regal's actions last week. He says the actions were reprehensible. He then contradicts himself by saying Regal
reminds him of himself as visionary or something. It was probably just to give himself some air time before we have Regal
introduced to the ring. Regal says we might not like him but we will respect him. Well, at least he's not on drugs like a
certain man who was in the ring with him last week. When the people say he sucks he turns the lights off and we have a long
pause. Well I hope everyone enjoyed the show tonight. See you all next week.
Highlight of the Night: The quirky recap at the beginning of the show.
Lowlight of the Night: The part where Regal ended the show again.
WWE "Creative" Award: Having Vince say absolutely nothing of worth.
Oh Regal finally brings the lights up and threatens to run the entire show in the
dark which would probably be a blessing. Kennedy comes out and challenges Regal to a match who informs him that he's going
to be in a match against the entire ECW roster. I hope Adamle is there. Regal says it is part of his promise to Estrada to
promote tomorrow night's anniversary. Regal says he won't be disrespected but Triple H appears. Triple H bitches about having
his match cut off but I'm not really listening. It ends with Regal making him Kennedy's partner for tonight.
Random Commercial Thought: Raiders of Lost Ark was an excellent movie.
We return to the Diva lumberjack match. There are several pairs of tits around the
ring. Beth Phoenix and Mickie are out and here we go.
Women's Champion Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix (Women's title Lumberjack Match)
Mickie gets her ass handed to her..in all its curvaceous glory.as the show goes.
Mickie gets tossed out of the ring and the heels jump her. Tossed back into the ring, they proceed to botch three moves in
a row like this was a fucking Sid Vicious match. Mickie gets two off a neck breaker that is also botched and gets tossed again
and beat on again. Back in the ring Beth gets a two count and we suddenly go to the commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: At least I have chicken.
Mickie is in some freaky arm hold that has Mickie screaming like she's being buttraped
by Beth's peni- I mean strap on. Mickie escapes with some kicks and counters another. When Mickie tries to go up top she is
shoved off. Mickie kicks Beth out of the ring and the face Diva's try to slap her on the back weakly. Shoved back in the ring,
Beth gets pissed and attacks Maria, dragging her into the ring and amidst the chaos, Melina attacks with a boot but clubs
Beth on accident allowing an inside cradle.
Winner: Mickie
After the match I'm too busy oggling Maria's painted on leather pants to notice
anything else. In the back, Jericho is talked to by Regal about his insinuation that Michaels is okay and told they will be
teaming up tonight against Morrison and Miz. God help me.
Random Commercial Thought: Teeth are terrible.
Trevor Murdoch is in the back singing when suddenly he turns and...Trish fucking
Stratus is there. What the fuck? Trevor asks for her opinion but before she can answer, Ron Simmons gives his opinion. We
are told Ron is being inducted into some football hall of fame. Elsewhere Orton is being asked about Regal and CM Punk while
I wonder if Someone. Will. Teach. Orton. How. To. Use. Vocal. Inflection.
Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck is wrong with America?
Back to the show where we apparently didn't get enough of the Burchill's doing a
tag team match. They will crush this random jabroni from Canada. Regal comes out to turn off JR's microphone and replace him
with a man who was disrespected..Mike Adamle. AHAHAGAGAHGAGHAHGAAAAAH! I want to fucking die. The crowd seems as thrilled
as I am.
Katie Lea & Paul Burchill vs. John Cutler (Handicap Match)
Katie shoves Cutler as Mike tells us we don't know much about him except that his
name rhymes with Butler and that if he wins, the Cutler will have done it. Help me. Help me please. King plays up how bad
Mike Adamle is as he points out the obviousness of a handicap match, calling Katie a cheerleader. They argue over whether
it is a handicap match or not as King says he wishes JR could hear this. I don't even care what is going on in this match.
Assume that Cutler accomplishes nothing. Mike whines about how King is talking to him some as Mike says she isn't a pretty
face. I'd hit that. They do a spot where John is held in bow and arrow by Paul and Katie leaps to stomp on him but they just
kind of all fall around instead. Curbstomp and its over as Katie gets the pin.
Winners: Burchills
Mike asks King if it's a matter of time before we see Katie wrestling with the Divas.
King asks if that was it and he's gone now. King says he wont complain about his announcing.it would last too long. King begs
JR to come back who just sits and pouts like the fat kid at a party. In the back Jericho confronts Michaels and begs him not
to feign more injury and fuck up their match.
Random Commercial Thought: Iron Man is apparently fucking amazing and I dreadfully
wish I had seen it.
Back to the show. Morrison and Miz are on their way to the ring in slow motions
as I wish I could move at fifteen frames per second as well. JR calls them the future of tag team wrestling and I suddenly
wish Adamle was back. Jericho is on his way out as King fawns over JR like he was a girl scout selling cookies whom he planned
on showing his special workshop in the basement. Michaels is next hopping about on his leg. You know, if Michaels' leg is
hurt he should just use a crane kick. It worked for the Karate Kid.
Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho & Shawn Michaels vs. WWE Tag Team Champions
The Miz & John Morrison (Non-title Match)
Miz starts off with Jericho and proceeds to apparently make a move for Jericho's
junk, but I guess it was supposed to be a waist lock. Jericho delivers a suplex and slings Miz to the corner where Morrison
tags in. Morrison runs into a hiplock into a one count. Morrison manages to make Jericho knock himself in the head. Jericho
rolls through a roll up into a Walls attempt but Miz comes along the apron with a clothesline. Jericho ducks and delivers
a springboard drop kick only for Morrison to springboard into a rainbow kick for two. And no that isn't just the gayest maneuver
in martial arts. Miz tags in and goes to a chin lock. Yawn. Jericho fights them both off in the corner but Miz puts him back
down with a running kick.
Morrison back in. Does anyone else think Morrison looks like Tarzan? Or that live
action version of George of the Jungle. Morrison gets nailed by Jericho and Miz makes the run in only to be scooped into the
walls. Morrison clotheslines Jericho out of it and kicks Michaels. Michaels rolls into the ring and drags himself on the rope
delivering Sweet Chin Music and collapsing. Jericho finishes with a lionsault for three.
Winners: Michaels and Jericho
Jericho looks confused as Michaels hobbles off to the back.
Random Commercial Thought: Ethanol is just corn liquor.
Back to the show. Orton is out now to face off with CM Punk.
Randy Orton w/ hate of hotel staff vs. CM Punk w/o Momentum
Punk and Orton exchange headlocks before Punk clotheslines him to the floor. CM
Punk shakes his ass at the camera in preparation for a flight but Orton grabs his ankle to keep him from going and just trips
him off into the floor to send him prat falling. Back in the ring Orton gets a two count and performs his stalking stomps,
which no one has yet to get a restraining order against. Punk back on the offensive with a sloppy knee to the gut before kicking
Orton in the back and then in the head. Pepsi one picks up a two count. Regal decides to interrupt the match and turns off
the lights again. This has gotten old. He says the match is officially over as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Carrot Cake doesn't taste much like carrots.
Back to the show where Orton is bitching about what Regal did to him to Tard Grisham.
It is off to ringside for Carlito's Cabana where he is calling out Piper to respond to last week's actions. The man who ate
Piper waddles out to the ring. Carlito says he knows more than anybody how annoying Santino can be but he took it too far.
Piper calls him Buckwheat and that he's been taking stuff too far his whole life. He lists off his epic victories over Mr.
T, Hulk Hogan and Cancer. I remember that last one. It was a real clinic. He apologies for not having the time to play nice
with the Super Mario Bros. Carlito starts to rant when Santino arrives and says he doesn't need to lay a hand on this man
because he's all his. Gaaaaaaaaay. Santino points out that it took Piper eight years to win the IC belt when he won it on
his first night. Carlito and Santino back him into a corner when Cody Rhodes interrupts in his gangster gear saying this isn't
how you treat a legend. You soccer kick them in the head. Carlito says Holly isn't here and Cody says he has two friends to
back him up instead and it's Cryme Tyme. Carlito and Santino bail as Cryme Tyme steals the Cabana set for their own purposes.
JTG and Piper relax in the ring and Shad sings a song about Rowdy Roddy. Oh god
he's dancing. Help me. There has to be something illegal about a hick, two Brooklyn hoods and a Scotsman dancing together
in the ring.
Random Commercial Thought: If your copier is possessed by evil spirits, you may
wish to call a repairman or a priest.
Back to the show where we pimp the card for Judgment day as we go to the back where
JBL takes us on a tour of his limousine. He sits in a way that gives us a full view of his crotch. God damnit. He has internet
in his car somehow. JBL gets back out of his car and comes to crush DH Smith who can be usually seen being crushed on Heat.
JBL calls him the Canadian Bulldog and the last of the Hart foundation as none can come help him, including God, who has been
no showing the WWE for years.
JBL vs. DH Smith
JBL attacks with pounding blows and then plows him through with a boot to the face.
A few short arms clotheslines follow and JBL drops an elbow. He thankfully picks it up otherwise he would look weird. Clothesline
from Hell ends it.
Winner: JBL
Post match, JBL destroys Smith in a corner.
Random Commercial Thought: The Battle of the Bands was better with Bill and Ted
in it.
Back to the show. In the back Regal is arguing with the entire ECW roster with Punk
pissed off about being cut off when he was winning. For some reason Nunzio is right up front. After he gives them all a pep
talk, they file out but Kane leaves last with getting up in his face. We get a Smackdown Rebound as I wonder how anyone who
watches Smackdown (not me) can stand the way Vickie Guererro talks.
Random Commercial Thought: Never leave your chewing gum on the bedpost over night.
The ECW roster is here with Kane to do his thing. Kennedy and finally Triple Hare
out.
Elijah burke starts off with Kennedy and runs him down out of a headlock. Reversals
in hiplocks into a clothesline by Kennedy. Kennedy drags Burke over for a tag to Triple H. Striker is tagged in when Burke
escapes and Kennedy and Triple H just trade off kicking his ass. Strike escapes Kennedy and tags in Knox who seems to be suffering
from "The Swell" and "Homeless Beard Syndrome". Knox clotheslines Kennedy tags in Chavo who picks up a two count. Kofi Kingston
in now with some lame headlocks. Shelton tags himself in and destroys Kennedy which pisses off Kofi Kingston. Back suplex
from Benjamin and in comes..Nunzio? They try to cheap shot Triple H and he comes in and starts cleaning house, sending Kingston
to the floor. Trips goes for a pedigree on someone but Shelton super kicks him in the face. Striker eats a Mic Check but Kane
choke slams him. Chavo seems to be about to get choke slammed by Kane as well up top but Bam Neely send him to the floor so
Chavo can deliver the frog splash for the win.
Winners: ECW
Trips starts kicking more ass and eventually everyone just starts fighting. It's
all a big clusterfuck with a bunch of people dragging Trips to the middle to take a chair form Knox but he takes it and cleans
house until the lights go out. The lights come back on as Orton apparently took Warrior's secret tunnels to deliver an RKO
to Triple H. that's all she wrote (thank god)
Highlight of the Night: I can't really recommend much of anything for your viewing
pleasure. The Tag team match was decent.
Lowlight of the Night: Let's go with Vince McMahon still. That was utterly pointless.
WWE "Creative" Award: What was the purpose of chumping out just Kennedy in that
match by having him take the entire ass kicking?
