RAW IS STAR WARS!(originally posted in May 2005)
With Lead WWE Writer Brian Gerwirtz
apparently on the outs, Vince McMahon and company look to be unfortunately left without someone to pen their flagship show:
Raw is War. But that may all change...
You see, in an *EXCLUSIVE* to The Wrestling Fan.com, our
crack team of wrestling reporters, led by our man on the scene that we'll just call "Bill Apter", have actually discovered
the identity of Gerwirtz's replacement, through good old fashion reporting, and of course shameless blackmail. It has been
revealed, that starting next week, GEORGE LUCAS, director of the FAMED Star Wars films… and a couple of other movies
no one remembers, will come aboard and take over any and all WWE writing duties after the release of Episode 3: Revenge of
the Sith!
And if you think about it, this partnership is natural. After
all, between all the wooden acting, nonsensical plot-holes, and complete revisionist destruction of any and all memories we
hold dearest in our childhood, have there ever been more natural business partners than George Lucas & Vincent Kennedy
McMahon?
With that in mind, we've learned of Lucas's intentions to
remold the WWE in his own image, as he has even submitted several character overhauls to WWE creative. Unfortunately, there
have been several problems thus far attempting all these changes, including Lucas' projected 500 million dollar WWE budget.
WWE's solution however, is to increase the PPV's to 5 per day at a price of $250,000.00 per show, in an effort to soften the
blow somewhat. (Starting next week, we’ll see the return of "In Your House", immediately followed by "In Your House,
again", "Still In Your House", "In Your House and probably going to be staying over" And finally, "I might as well just move
in.")
In any event, here are several of the changes WWE fans have
to look forward to!:
DARTHHH VADER:
Vince: "The booking committee
is the gateway to many opportunities some consider to be unnatural...."
Hunter: "Is it possible
to learn this power?"
Vince: "Not from the
locker room."
With that, Hunter began his trek to the darkside, and soon
he'd stand by Vince's side, as Dark Lord of the dressing room.
Anyway, apparently, after years of ingesting growth hormones
and anabolics, in addition to countless injuries, things have unfortunately taken their toll on this once promising hero to
the IWC. Lucas has since reconstructed Triple H completely, transforming him into an inhuman cybernetic killing machine. The
new suit is said to be somewhat cumbersome and slow however, but thus far, no one has really noticed the difference in Hunter's
ring style.
Unfortunately, however, the cost of the procedure has unfortunately come at the expense of 2/3rds of the locker room, whom
were released to pay for DartHHH's new mechanical suit. However, DartHHH still insisted on pinning them all anyway on
their last day with the company.
Anyway, allegedly, Lucas has recently filmed a vignette that
will see DartHHH regain the World Championship from his former Padewan learner Dave Batista, when he severs the torso of the
former "Demon of the deep" in half with his lightsaber. (which will apparently replace the sledgehammer as his primary weapon
of choice.)
The only complaint thus far is that DartHHH's new baritone
voice replicater makes his normal habit of loudly calling spots that much more audible. One person went on record to say "it
tends to have a lot less impact when you hear someone clearly bellow "Force Lighning!" several seconds before you see it."
O-BENOIT KENOBI
Obviously, DartHHH needed a main rival, so whom better to
lead the charge than the man who has made Hunter tap out many times before? Besides, since Benoit didn’t mind relocating
to Atlanta by way of Edmonton, why not just move the family to Tatooine? You know, where the dry desert climate would at
least help Benoit’s apparent sinus issues (and prevent anymore stars from receiving any unwanted "farmer’s
handkerchiefs.")
Anyway, now assisted with the force, Benoit's repertoire is THAT much more impressive. (namely his newly adapted Crippler
"Cross-force.") His only vulnerability at this point seems to be his reach with the lightsaber, thanks to his somewhat ill-proportioned
arms. "It's a little hard to take him seriously as a swordsman when the saber is maybe two feet away from his chest." said
one stage hand who asked to remain anonymous.
ORLANDO
CALRISSIAN:
Unfortunately for the current U.S. Champion, he was recently
left with no gimmick when a cameraman accidentally crushed and killed his employer JBL, with a specially designed Imperial
walker meant to get unique shots from the air.
This unfortunate tragedy left Orlando with no onscreen gimmick
and really no reason to be still employed.... well, until George personally took him under his wing, and rechristened Jordan
"Orlando Calrissian." From there, it is said that Lucas decided to fire every African American performer on the roster; because,
as in every Star Wars movie, there is only room for one token black guy.
PUKE
SKYWALKER:
George Lucas has recently cast Droz in arguably the largest role of his career. After much deliberation, George
ultimately decided that despite vomiting on command, and being that he was somewhat encumbered by his wheel
chair, that Droz would be completely animated by Industrial Light and magic. Probably for the best. It's been said that Puke's
patented "Force Roll" left little to be desired...
WOOOOODA:
Being that he is probably several birthdays away from the
ripe old age of 900 anyway, could there be a better Yoda than the 16 time World Champion (discounting his reigns in the outer
rim territories...) Ric Flair?
This character is expected to breathe new life into the now
rechristened "60 parsec man", whether he's unleashing his patented "Figure Force" leglock, or spouting his *brand-new* catch
phrase: "Woo, or Woo not. This is no try."
THE STEPH STAR!:
One of the conditions of George's employment was that he find something for "Daddy's little girl" to do. That being
said, the PERFECT role has seemingly come about. The DEATH STAR. I mean, think about it. Stephanie has arguably reached a
size where she apparently has a gravitational pull anyway, so why not?
Enter the vaunted STEPH STAR, a bulbous mass of destructive
energy, that possesses enough firepower to destroy an ENTIRE COMPANY's storyline continuity. It is also said that DartHHH
Vader spends most of his free time inside the Steph Star anyway, so it just fit.
JR THE HUTT:
Originally, Lucas had designs on placing the long time Oklahoman broadcaster on a slab and having one of the RAW
Divas chained to a platform, but that changed after Christie Hemme was accidentally devoured by the Rancor kept below the
Raw stage. Instead, Lucas opted to replace Jim Ross ALTOGETHER with the Jabba puppet itself, insisting that Jabba plays a
much more convincing human, and is a little easier on the eyes.
The EWOK Division!
Recently , Lucas was said to hold a conference with the WWE
cruiserweights and has somehow convinced them that it'd be in their best interests to don the furry costumes. He was said
to personally pull Rey Mysterio aside (who is said to be THE perfect fit for the Wicket costume) and asked him to tone down
the Lucha style offense, before suggesting that he perhaps try to instead defeat his larger opponents using intricately
laid booby-traps like logs and trip-wires.
Thus far, the only complications were Paul London, who was said to suffocate and die while in costume. On a related note,
Vince McMahon went on record saying: "So, you say this Paul London person actually worked here?..."
PRINCESS LEIA (lotta guys):
Originally, George Lucas had intentions of making
Lita the "Sarlacc"; you know, the huge gaping hole that feeds on men? It was just natural and required no special effects.
However, he instead decided to just repackage Lita as "Princess Leia Lotta Guys." He felt it was the obvious choice, because
after all, whom better to lead a separatist movement, than a person who separates their legs every chance they get?
-Anyway, thus far, these are the major changes expected to be implemented in the coming weeks. Some of Lucas's other ideas
unfortunately have not come to fruition, particularly transforming Muhammad Hassan into "Hassan Solo." Things were said to
fall apart when the young Arab American became infuriated when Lucas presented him with his new ship: The Millenium Camel.
Also, Lucas was said to be within inches of rehiring
A-Train, approaching the former Albert about being recast as a Wookiee. Things were said to go somewhat awkwardly after Lucas
asked Train to return the Chewbacca suit he was wearing to the prop department when he was finished. Albert tried to explain
that he hadn’t tried it on yet, and was then seen leaving the scene somewhat hurt.
So, in closing, I think taking on George Lucas
is a bold move on the part of the McMahons, but what the hell? It's not like the viewers weren't seemingly leaving for a galaxy
far, far away, anyway....
COMING SOON!
Word life! It's basic Protocol! Introducing
Cena-3po! He speaks over a million intergalactic languages, but prefers the easy flow of Ebonics!
"Rolling Thunder" has been replaced with just plain old Rolling!
It's RVD-2, laid back Astro-Mech droid extraordinaire. The new and improved Mr. Monday Night comes complete
with built-in retractable rubber hose for the ultimate hotbox!
And finally, "D-Von, get the Carbonite!" It's Bubba Fett!
All Coming Soon. Stay Tuned!
