RAW IS STAR
WARS!
(originally posted
in May 2005)
With Lead WWE Writer Brian Gerwirtz
apparently on the outs, Vince McMahon and company look
to be unfortunately left without someone to pen their
flagship show: Raw is War. But that may all
change...
You see,
in an *EXCLUSIVE* to The Wrestling Fan.com, our crack
team of wrestling reporters, led by our man on the scene
that we'll just call "Bill Apter", have actually
discovered the identity of Gerwirtz's replacement,
through good old fashion reporting, and of course
shameless blackmail. It has been revealed, that starting
next week, GEORGE LUCAS, director of the FAMED Star Wars
films… and a couple of other movies no one remembers,
will come aboard and take over any and all WWE writing
duties after the release of Episode 3: Revenge of the
Sith!
And if you think about it, this
partnership is natural. After all, between all the wooden acting,
nonsensical plot-holes, and complete revisionist destruction of any and all
memories we hold dearest in our childhood, have there ever been
more natural business partners than George Lucas & Vincent Kennedy
McMahon?
With
that in mind, we've learned of Lucas's intentions to
remold the WWE in his own image, as he has even
submitted several character overhauls to WWE creative.
Unfortunately, there have been several problems thus far
attempting all these changes, including Lucas' projected
500 million dollar WWE budget. WWE's solution however,
is to increase the PPV's to 5 per day at a price of
$250,000.00 per show, in an effort to soften the blow
somewhat. (Starting next week, we’ll see the return of
"In Your House", immediately followed by "In Your House,
again", "Still In Your House", "In Your House and
probably going to be staying over" And finally, "I might
as well just move in.")
In any
event, here are several of the changes WWE fans have to
look forward to!:
DARTHHH VADER:
Vince:"The booking committee is the
gateway to many opportunities some consider to be
unnatural...."
Hunter: "Is it possible
to learn this
power?"
Vince: "Not from the locker
room."
With that, Hunter began his trek to
the darkside, and soon he'd stand by Vince's side, as
Dark Lord of the dressing room.
Anyway, apparently, after years of
ingesting growth hormones and anabolics, in addition to
countless injuries, things have unfortunately taken
their toll on this once promising hero to the IWC. Lucas
has since reconstructed Triple H completely,
transforming him into an inhuman cybernetic killing
machine. The new suit is said to be somewhat cumbersome
and slow however, but thus far, no one has really
noticed the difference in Hunter's ring
style.
Unfortunately, however, the cost of
the procedure has unfortunately come at the expense of
2/3rds of the locker room, whom were released to pay for
DartHHH's new mechanical suit. However, DartHHH
still insisted on pinning them all anyway on their
last day with the company.
Anyway, allegedly, Lucas has
recently filmed a vignette that will see DartHHH regain
the World Championship from his former Padewan learner
Dave Batista, when he severs the torso of the former
"Demon of the deep" in half with his lightsaber. (which
will apparently replace the sledgehammer as his primary
weapon of choice.)
The only complaint thus far is that
DartHHH's new baritone voice replicater makes his normal
habit of loudly calling spots that much more audible.
One person went on record to say "it tends to have a lot
less impact when you hear someone clearly bellow "Force
Lighning!" several seconds before you see
it."
O-BENOIT KENOBI
Obviously, DartHHH needed a main
rival, so whom better to lead the charge than the man
who has made Hunter tap out many times before? Besides,
since Benoit didn’t mind relocating to Atlanta by way of
Edmonton, why not just move the family to Tatooine? You
know, where the dry desert climate would at
least help Benoit’s apparent sinus issues (and
prevent anymore stars from receiving any unwanted
"farmer’s handkerchiefs.")
Anyway, now assisted with the force,
Benoit's repertoire is THAT much more impressive.
(namely his newly adapted Crippler "Cross-force.") His
only vulnerability at this point seems to be his reach
with the lightsaber, thanks to his somewhat
ill-proportioned arms. "It's a little hard to take him
seriously as a swordsman when the saber is maybe two
feet away from his chest." said one stage hand who asked
to remain anonymous.
ORLANDO
CALRISSIAN:
Unfortunately for the current U.S.
Champion, he was recently left with no gimmick when a
cameraman accidentally crushed and killed his employer
JBL, with a specially designed Imperial walker meant to
get unique shots from the air.
This unfortunate tragedy left
Orlando with no onscreen gimmick and really no reason to
be still employed.... well, until George personally took
him under his wing, and rechristened Jordan "Orlando
Calrissian." From there, it is said that Lucas decided
to fire every African American performer on the roster;
because, as in every Star Wars movie, there is only room
for one token black
guy.
PUKE
SKYWALKER:
George Lucas has recently cast Droz
in arguably the largest role of his career. After much
deliberation, George ultimately decided that
despite vomiting on command, and being that he
was somewhat encumbered by his wheel chair, that
Droz would be completely animated by Industrial Light
and magic. Probably for the best. It's been said that
Puke's patented "Force Roll" left little to be
desired...
WOOOOODA:
Being that he is probably several
birthdays away from the ripe old age of 900 anyway,
could there be a better Yoda than the 16 time World
Champion (discounting his reigns in the outer rim
territories...) Ric Flair?
This character is expected to
breathe new life into the now rechristened "60 parsec
man", whether he's unleashing his patented "Figure
Force" leglock, or spouting his *brand-new* catch
phrase: "Woo, or Woo not. This is no
try."
THE
STEPH STAR!:
One of the conditions of George's
employment was that he find something for "Daddy's little
girl" to do. That being said, the PERFECT role has
seemingly come about. The DEATH STAR. I mean, think
about it. Stephanie has arguably reached a size where
she apparently has a gravitational pull anyway, so why
not?
Enter the vaunted STEPH STAR, a
bulbous mass of destructive energy, that possesses
enough firepower to destroy an ENTIRE COMPANY's
storyline continuity. It is also said that DartHHH Vader
spends most of his free time inside the Steph Star anyway,
so it just fit.
JR
THE HUTT:
Originally, Lucas had designs on
placing the long time Oklahoman broadcaster on a slab
and having one of the RAW Divas chained to a platform,
but that changed after Christie Hemme was accidentally
devoured by the Rancor kept below the Raw stage.
Instead, Lucas opted to replace Jim Ross ALTOGETHER with
the Jabba puppet itself, insisting that Jabba plays a
much more convincing human, and is a little easier on
the eyes.
The
EWOK Division!
Recently , Lucas was said to hold a
conference with the WWE cruiserweights and has somehow
convinced them that it'd be in their best interests to
don the furry costumes. He was said to personally pull
Rey Mysterio aside (who is said to be THE perfect fit
for the Wicket costume) and asked him to tone down the
Lucha style offense, before suggesting that he perhaps
try to instead defeat his larger opponents using
intricately laid booby-traps like logs and trip-wires.
Thus far, the only complications
were Paul London, who was said to suffocate and die
while in costume. On a related note, Vince McMahon went
on record saying: "So, you say this Paul London person
actually worked here?..."
PRINCESS LEIA (lotta
guys):
Originally, George Lucas had
intentions of making Lita the "Sarlacc"; you know, the
huge gaping hole that feeds on men? It was just natural
and required no special effects. However, he instead
decided to just repackage Lita as "Princess Leia Lotta
Guys." He felt it was the obvious choice, because after
all, whom better to lead a separatist movement, than a
person who separates their legs every chance they
get?
-Anyway, thus far, these are the
major changes expected to be implemented in the coming
weeks. Some of Lucas's other ideas unfortunately have
not come to fruition, particularly transforming Muhammad
Hassan into "Hassan Solo." Things were said to fall
apart when the young Arab American became infuriated
when Lucas presented him with his new ship: The
Millenium Camel.
Also, Lucas was said to be within
inches of rehiring A-Train, approaching the former
Albert about being recast as a Wookiee. Things were said
to go somewhat awkwardly after Lucas asked Train to
return the Chewbacca suit he was wearing to the prop
department when he was finished. Albert tried to explain
that he hadn’t tried it on yet, and was then seen
leaving the scene somewhat hurt.
So, in closing, I think taking
on George Lucas is a bold move on the part of the
McMahons, but what the hell? It's not like the viewers
weren't seemingly leaving for a galaxy far, far away,
anyway....
COMING
SOON!
Word
life! It's basic Protocol! Introducing Cena-3po! He
speaks over a million intergalactic languages, but
prefers the easy flow
of Ebonics!
"Rolling Thunder" has
been replaced with just plain old Rolling! It's RVD-2,
laid back Astro-Mech droid extraordinaire. The new
and improved Mr. Monday Night comes complete
with built-in retractable rubber hose for the
ultimate hotbox!
And finally, "D-Von, get
the Carbonite!" It's Bubba Fett!
All
Coming Soon. Stay Tuned!
