Wow look
at this! I
feel like a little leaguer standing on the pitcher’s
mound at Yankee Stadium. One week, I’m
writing recaps for WWE’s fourth-string show, and the
next week I’m writing a recap for the second biggest
show on 
WWE’s
plate!
Before
I continue, I have to let you know that I’m doing most
of this recap based on my memory of the event. I had some of my
buddies over and we were more focused on goofing on
things than actually watching the matches…because most
of the matches deserved to be openly mocked. That being said,
I hope to still bring you a high-quality, laugh-inducing
recap that you will remember for years to come.
We’re
quickly reminded how important ECW is in the grand
scheme of things, as the night opens
with…
Christian vs. Ezekiel Jackson (with William
Regal)
Big
Zeke comes out and makes a lot of “I’m a crazy, big
tough, black guy” faces. Right off the
bat, my buddies and I realize that the back of Jackson’s neck looks
like a pack of hot dogs. We also
constantly mock that Zeke is wearing Ahmed Johnson’s old
tights…I guess the WWE is in financial trouble if
they’re recycling
outfits.
On
to the match, where Christian maintains control early by
being small, white, and quick. This culminates
with Christian hauling off with a crazy ass smack on
Jackson. Another decent
spot sees Christian send Zeke to the outside and hit a
relatively clean baseball slide dropkick. From this point
on, the match gets a little boring, with Zeke hitting
dull moves like punches and body slams.
Eventually,
Christian ends up on the outside, and Regal grabs him,
only to be caught by the referee and sent to the back
along with any chance of Jackson winning this
match.
The
match continues slowly, with one cool sequence seeing
Jackson whiff on a
short clothesline, only to come back and clobber
Christian in the back. From this point
on it’s all pretty wrote….Christian hits his flying
uppercut and upside down corner kick, while Jackson
manages to escape the Kill Switch a few times and get in
his crazy stiff-looking shots before Christian ends it
with the Kill Switch (outta’ nowhere) for the
win.
Winner (and
still champion):
Christian
Rating: 
Two
out of five is the best this is going to get. The pace was
glacial and the match was insanely predictable. The fact that CM
Punk, Evan Bourne, Yoshi Tatsu, and Shelton Benjamin
were passed over for this match is
ridiculous.
We
go to the back, where Cryme Tyme for some reason doesn’t
have both members in the Royal Rumble…which is retarded
considering there’s open space, but who am I to question
the WWE’s logic?
My buddies and I are paying next to no attention,
but I guess The Miz comes in and is put in a match with
MVP that I thought was already on the
card…whatever.
The Miz vs.
MVP
This
match was about as interesting as watching paint
dry. Both
men do all of their signature moves; MVP does the flying
clothesline, the knee drop he stole from HHH, and the
Ballin’ Elbow, while The Miz hits his corner
clothesline…and…um….some kicks and
stuff.
The
end of the match was equally thrilling, as The Miz wins
with…a small package roll up. That is, indeed,
awesome.
Yes,
that recap was short, but so was the match. All there was
were a couple of spots with a lot of rest holds, kicks,
and punches thrown in. I’m slowly
beginning to think that MVP isn’t all that
great.
Winner (and
still champion):
The Miz
Rating: 
That
match was pretty terrible, especially for a pay-per-view
match. The
Kofi Kingston-Miz match a few weeks back was ten times
better.
After
the match, The Miz mocks MVP, so MVP does what any good
face wrestler would do…he attacks him, finishing it off
with a very sloppy Playmaker. MVP stalks
off. Didn’t
he just turn face like a month ago? This guy is more
flippy floppy than Kane.
Our
next match is going to be potentially more boring than
the previous match, as we
have…
Sheamus vs. Randy
Orton
Wow,
you know your champion sucks if the crowd is popping for
Randy Orton.
I guess asking the crowd to back one of these
guys is like asking them if they would rather get caner
or AIDS.
Lots
of posturing to start, with each man getting a move in
on the other.
Randy does his, “I’m a snake, really,” slither in
the corner.
The match continues to move at the speed of
erosion, but there is a little psychology, as Sheamus
chooses to work Orton’s arm, while Orton works on
Sheamus’ leg.
The
match oozes on, offering substantially less than most
RAW main events…perhaps they’re doing this to make the
Royal Rumble itself more
interesting.
You
know what, I forgot to mention that before this (SARCASM
ALERT) titanic struggle between two awesomely talented,
charismatic superstars, both members of Priceless
approached Randy Orton and mentioned that the other one
might try to stab Randy in the back. I love how these
two guys are trying to gain the approval of someone who
has beaten the crap out of them AND THEIR FATHERS!! HELLO!!!
Anyway, the
match continues ad nauseum until Cody Rhodes comes out
to try to help his fearless leader. This, however,
manages to get Orton disqualified. I guess that
didn’t work out as you’d hoped, huh create-a-wrestler
template?
Orton
shows how much he cares for his brother in arms by
yelling at him and smacking him around. To further this
illogical cluster-f***, DiBiase, who just tried to tell
Orton that Rhodes might
turn on him, comes out to HELP RHODES!!! Seriously? So, what does
Orton do?
He starts to pummel DiBiase, as well. Awesomely
enough, the crowd is thoroughly behind Orton this entire
time.
However,
all of this gives Sheamus enough time to gather his wits
and boot the bangers and mash out of Orton. Man, that match
was horrible all the way around. Why build
Sheamus up as a badass, put the strap on him, and spend
months only to have him get beat up and/or squeak by (or
lose to) every opponent…except of course Evan
Bourne? The
WWE can never take risks properly…they always half ass
it and it never works out. Just look at the
WCW "invasion," starring Steve Austin and Kurt
Angle!!
Why
not let Orton lose for once? Even if you tell
him to do the job and he gets mad at you for the
decision, he's only going to give you an Eskimo nose
kiss…that's how he emotes anger.
Winner (and
still lame duck champion):
Sheamus
Rating:
Horrible
match, horrible ending, horrible logic. Again, this
match might’ve been tolerable if they’d have gone with
Kofi Kingston instead. As it was, this
match was terrible.
Speaking
of terrible, the next match of the evening
is…
Mickie James vs. Michelle
McCool
Do
you have a problem defining the word "irony?" Michelle McCool
mocking someone's weight problem…that's
irony.
Before
the match, we're treated to the ingenious comedy that
this feud has produced. Fat jokes
abound, and that's about it. So, Michelle
comes out first and grabs the microphone…oh goody. Before I
continue, if you don't read my Superstars column, I
think Michelle McCool is the worst diva on the roster,
especially considering the push she's constantly
getting.
Her voice is grating, and she's as bland as plain
grits. I
realize the only reason she's getting said push is
because she's keeping The Undertaker
satisfied.
Anyway,
McCool runs down Mickie James with the same fat jokes
and says the Mickie isn't coming. Well, out comes
Layla in the same stupid pig costume that was only
mildly amusing the first time she wore it. The jokefest is
about to start when THANK GOD Mickie James' music starts
up and she runs down to ringside. She quickly
dispatches pig suit Layla and jumps in the ring. Layla tries to
help out, but Michelle ends up kicking her and Mickie
James hits her DDT for the win! Woo
hoo!
If
only that were a toothbrush on a pole match, Michelle
would've ACED IT!!
Winner (and
new champion): Mickie
James
Rating:
I'm
only giving this match two Frank Gorshins because Mickie
James won and maybe the WWE will give Michelle some time
off. Here's
hoping.
Well,
there's only one non-Royal Rumble match left. At least the
rest of the PPV has set the bar nice and low…so this
match might shine…even though we know who's going to
win.
Rey Mysterio vs. The
Undertaker
Well,
the match starts like every other "small guy vs. big
guy" match…Rey scoots around and hits some quick kicks
that don't have any effect. After a little
bit, the pace picks up, as The Undertaker BRUTALLY
tosses Rey to the outside. Rey tries to get
back in the ring, and the Undertaker just punches him
right back out.
Man, way to make a challenger look credible
there, Mark.
Rey actually gets out of the way of the apron leg
drop, but Undertaker quickly sets it back up and hits
it, anyway.
Rey already looks like he's been through a
blender, so Undertaker sets him up for a chokeslam. Rey manages to
escape and hit a hurricanrana…I'm sure this isn't going
to last…and I'm right. Rey tries for
the 619, but he's caught. Undertaker goes
for the Tombstone, but Rey
escapes.
Since Rey has had some momentum for more than 20
seconds, Undertaker boots him in the head on a
dive.
We
learn that non-selling is hazardous to your health as it
seems as if `Taker has a bloody nose and/or mouth. He probably cut
himself on one of Michelle McCool's sharp, bony
appendages.
Ray
tries to escape the continued no selling, but Undertaker
can't have there be 30 seconds or more of him not
beating the crap out of someone. Undertaker
eventually kicks the pole by accident, and Rey rolls
up.
Rey
is caught in another dive, and Undertaker tries for the
Last Ride.
Rey is having none of this, but neither is The
Undertaker.
The
match gets kinda' boring from this point on until the
end, during which Rey hits two 619s…which I'm assuming
is called the 1,238.
Rey
tries for the West Coast Pop, and The Undertaker gets
sick of selling and hits him with a wicked Last Ride for
the win.
Winner: The
Undertaker
Rating:
This
match was actually pretty watchable. It's a shame
that Rey didn't have more than two minutes of total of
total offense.
However, The Undertaker looked a lot more
formidable when he was capable of tossing around Rey
like a rag doll.
Wow,
that was a pretty bland set of matches. Hopefully, the
Rumble will be a little more exciting. It certainly
will be for me and my buddies because we have money on
this. Each
of us have five numbers…I have 1, 2, 6, 17, and 18. We get points
for our superstars eliminating other guys, making it to
the final four, and winning the match. We lose points
if our guy can't make it until the next guy comes
out. Let's
see how I'm going to do!!
The Royal
Rumble
Well,
at least my first two guys are talented, which means
they're not long for this match. Dolph Ziggler,
who's one of the unannounced guys and Evan Bourne are
the first two out.
They put on a nice show for a couple minutes
until the third entrant comes in. It's CM Punk.
He's
accompanied by the super hot chick with the shaved
head. It
doesn't take long for Punk to eliminate both of the
other competitors.
He takes the microphone and starts preaching to
the crowd.
JTG is next in. He gets a few
shots in before Punk tosses him and continues his
straight edge sermon. The next man out
is The Great Khali, and he puts a beating on Punk. The next man out
is….a woman.
It's Beth Phoenix, who's my next person. Fantastic. She quickly
asserts herself, but is deposited on the apron by Khali,
who tells her to get to the kitchen to make him some
Punjabi Pie.
Beth uses her feminine wiles and kisses Khali,
pulling him out of the ring. BETH PHOENX
ELIMINATED THE GREAT KHALI!!! HA HA HA!! Seriously,
that's going to be the moment of the night! Unfortunately
for Beth, she's quickly GTS'ed and flung by Punk. Zack Ryder is
out next and he's quickly tossed by Punk, too. Woo woo
woo! I'm
glad they're pumping up Punk like they should be
doing.
Uh
oh…Punk's time is pretty much over, as HHH is the next
guy out. Of
course, Punk is tossed pretty quickly after that. The match is
relatively boring for a bit, as the filler guys come out
one after another…McIntyre, DiBiase, Morrison, Kane,
Rhodes, MVP, Carlito, The Miz, and Matt Hardy all
enter...with the only real moment is that The Miz comes
out and beats up MVP before he even gets in the
ring. This
feud really doesn't need to continue…there are about
twenty guys I'd rather see feud with The Miz…but
whatever.
The
next "high
point" of the Rumble sees Shawn
Michaels and John Cena enter back-to-back at 18 and
19. Lots of
action from this point out, with cool moments that
include Carlito hitting the Back Stabber on pretty much
everyone in the ring, R-Truth eliminating both Mark
Henry AND Big Show, Chris Masters making the most of his
win on WWE Superstars by lasting a whopping 29 seconds,
and Edge making his return at number 29.
Big
story moments come when Shawn Michaels eliminates HHH,
and then gets eliminated at 27 by Batista after STUPIDLY
kicking an opponent back INTO the ring. Nice move,
ace. After
he's eliminated, Michaels acts like Mr. Bob Backlund and
has a hissy fit because he was
eliminated.
Another
big story moment sees Edge toss his former partner
before winning the whole damn thing by eliminating
Cena. He
must've had kryptonite in his tights. Funny thing is,
Edge's performance in the Rumble was actually kinda'
crappy.
After he won, I really didn't remember him doing
anything more than eliminating Jericho. At least an
Edge-Jericho feud will be
entertaining.
There
had to be a dozen guys in this year's Royal Rumble that
didn't last a minute…why even
bother?
Winner:
Edge
Rating:
The
beginning of this year's Royal Rumble was actually
really good.
Towards the end, things got pretty predictable,
with the same old guys being in the ring. As soon as Edge
entered, predictability took over. Since they've
used the "guy comes back from an injury to win the whole
thing" angle twice in three years now, I predict next
year's ending will be the "guy comes in at number one or
two and beats the odds to win" ending. Quote me on
that.
Well,
overall, if I had watched that without my buddies, that
PPV would've pretty much sucked. Only one good
traditional match and half a good Rumble match aren't
exactly worth $40.
We're on the Road to Wrestlemania now…which might
actually be interesting considering who won the Royal
Rumble.
Will Edge go after the RAW champion, who most
certainly will not be Whitey McNoTan? Or will he go
after The Undertaker? Or, will
Michaels cost Undertaker his title before Wrestlemania
so the two of them will have to fight? The
possibilities are
endless.
Before
I scoot out of here, let me had out some awards that I
typically hand out after I recap
Superstars.
The Golden Batarang Award: CM Punk's Royal
Rumble performance was really good and did a great job
of advancing his
character.
The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award: It's about a
five-way tie…Randy Orton, Sheamus, MVP, The Miz, and
Ezekiel Jackson.
Christian doesn't make it because he seemed like
he was trying…a little
bit.
PPV
RANT
