PPV RANT

PPV RANT
(07/18/10)
By Catherine Perz

Greetings, wrestling fans and confused, web-surfing vagrants! I'm Catherine Perez and this is the first ever Money In The Bank Pay-Per-View Rant! Sure, it's late, but we here at The Wrestling Fan pride ourselves on taking the time to make sure that our Rants are neat and perfect for visual consumption. I may have just lied there, but there's plenty of time for anger, disappointment, and finger pointing later. We've got a pay-per-view event to get through!

Just noticed after everyone else has, but, wow, WWE's new bumper ID sounds choppier and more disjointed than ever. And no J.R. to tell us that this is what the world is watching? For shame~! I'm hoping they edit out Michael Cole's almost monotone voice clip and replace it with Vince McMahon's "WHATAMANEUVER", or Gorilla Monsoon's "WILL YOU STOP?" I think Kurt Angle's infamous "bestiality sex" line can be dusted off for this, too, but that's just me.

The show begins with the narrator asking us, "Have you ever asked yourself, 'What would I risk to have my dreams come true?'" Existentialism? In my wrestling? It's worse than you think.

Criss Angel: Mindfreak is sponsoring this show? I'm expecting someone to snatch a briefcase via levitation, then. We are LIVE from the Sprint Center in Kansas City, Missouri. Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, and Matt Striker (ooh, I just love the friction between those three!) are your announcers, and Striker introduces the SATs! What? What are Jose and Joel Maximo doing at the show? Oh my GAWD, Carlos and Hugo, the Spanish Announce Team, have made their return to Pay-Per-View! YES. ENJOY THE SWANKY TABLE WHILE IT LASTS, AMIGOS. Awww, Hugo got cut off mid-sentence.

Man, WWE really went out of their way to create an amazing, unique set for this first-ever event! The entire arena is LITTERED with ladders, and there are two bank trucks on either side of the stage. Your PPV dollars at work, folks!

SMACKDOWN MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH: IC Champ Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Christian vs. "Dashhhhing" Cody Rhodes vs. Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Kane vs. Big Show

Kofi's out first with new red and yellow attire! What'cha gonna do when Kofimania runs wild on you? I know I'm not Ghana do anything. See what I did there? I promise it won't happen again. Dolph Ziggler's out next. He is perfection - as perfect as Cody Rhodes is dashing... Christian's out to fight in his fourth Money In The Bank match, and with Michael Cole predicting that he's the favorite to win the match, it's safe to say that the poor guy's coming up short yet again. Cody Rhodes makes his way to the ring, but not before stopping to admire himself in a mirror with no reflection! Dear Christ, why won't anyone believe me when I say he's a vampire? I'll bet he can't even balance a spoon on his nose. Looking forward to seeing how he fares in his first MITB match, too. And here's Matt Hardy! They told him there's a Denny's coupon in the briefcase, so you can rest assured that Matt going to give this match his all. Oh, what? Everyone else is doing the fat jokes (and believe me, I sympathize as a fellow member of Team Chunk), and with a guy as bland as he's been for the past few years, you have to take what you can get as far as the jokes go. On another note, I'm always just dumbfounded as to how and why he gets the huge pops that he consistently gets. Pfft. Stinkin' Matt. If he's so good at drying up seas, why didn't BP call him up to help with the oil spill? Before we can think of the answer to that, holy shit, Drew McIntyre absolutely killed the crowd DEAD with his entrance. Thank God Kane and his pyro woke them up. No flaming ladders? Booo! Michael Cole makes sure to let us know that this is Kane's fourth go in the "Money... in the ladder match... arena." Somebody check Cole's Super Big Gulp cup for vodka. One awkward silence later, here's the Big Show, high-fiving the crowd and tossing his t-shirt at them. I've got my money on Show; this match is going to end in five minutes when he tries to climb (and breaks) every ladder in the arena before finally realizing that he's a fucking giant and merely reaches up and grabs the briefcase.

The bell rings and this match is on! Bear with me here, readers, these matches tend to be pretty fucking chaotic to write about. Everyone gangs up on the two largest guys in the ring, Kane and Show, and Cody Rhodes decides to get the ladder ready for the win. Kane and Show clear the ring and grab Rhodes, punching him hard right out of the ring. Show mows Kane down as the Big Red Machine bounces off the ropes. With the ring cleared out, Show begins to climb the ladder. Hooo-hohoho, the rung breaks! Like it did on Friday night! Why even attempt it, Show? You knew what would happen! Show, frustrated at his girth, smacks the ladder and breaks off another rung. HAAAAHAHAHA, big, fat man doesn't know his own strength~! I thought he made it pretty clear on Friday night that he has a custom ladder with a 2,000-lb. weight capacity sitting around and collecting dust right now while he fucks around with these flimsy excuses for ladders! GET IT. USE IT. Matt Hardy, Christian, and Kofi attempt to ambush Show, but he makes quick work of ridding the ring of their presence. Dolph Ziggler eats a headbutt, and Kane gets a faceful of ladder on the outside.

Show climbs out of the ring and gets manhandled by most of the other guys like a gangbang in a dark alley! Everyone then beats up on each other, with McIntyre standing tall in the end. He grabs a ladder and sets it up against the ring apron, catapulting Christian into it face-first before taking it to the ring with him. McIntyre starts going for the belt, but Hardy crawls into the ring with a ladder of his own, and he throws it at McIntyre's back. Hardy makes his way up toward the briefcase next (and, with it looking more like a Kindergarten lunch box, you can understand why Hardy's really hauling ass here), but Christian stops him and stomps him into the mat. Christian goes for the briefcase himself, but Hardy yanks the guy off the ladder and throws him out of the ring, following close behind. Cody Rhodes sneaks his way up to an easy victory, but he's stopped by Kingston and a jumping punch to the back. Michael Cole, easily amused as he is, makes note of Kofi's high-flying ability after a move that even your grandma can do if she really put her mind to it.

Kingston makes his way up to the briefcase himself, but is stopped by Dolph Ziggler and a jumping forearm to the back! This didn't seem to impress Cole very much despite being just about the same damn move. Favoritist. I guess there's just something about the power of Kofimania. Ziggler's got his grubby paws on the briefcase, but Christian climbs the opposite side of the ladder and stops him. They trade punches at the top while they both have the briefcase in their grasp. Christian sends Ziggler flying with a sort-of hip toss. Hardy pushes the ladder over, but Christian gracefully lands on his feet like a motherfucking cat! YOU GO, CHRISTIAN. Cody Rhodes goes after Christian, but eats a loud right hand. Kane goes for a double Chokeslam on Christian and Hardy, but gets a double DDT for his troubles. Christian and Hardy grab a couple of ladders and sandwich Kane right between them, then Hardy turns on Christian and smacks him with the ladder as well. Sorry, Christian, but there's only room for Matt at the Denny's booth~! Hardy hilariously sets up for the Twist of Fate, dancing like one of those monkeys who shake their little monkey asses for chump change. Christian instead throws Hardy onto a ladder that's sitting on the second rope and jumps on his back.

Christian makes another attempt at the briefcase, but Cody Rhodes pushes the ladder, sending Christian flying out of the ring and onto Big Show. Rhodes and Kane are both in the ring now. Rhodes hits the Beautiful Disaster, a springboard kick, on Kane! Is this a new finisher? Don't think I've seen it before. Sounds like the perfect name for a generic, color-by-numbers screamo song about love lost. Kingston connects with Trouble In Paradise on Kane, and Hardy hits a Twist of Fate on the poor guy, too! Kane decides that the match can go fuck itself, and he slowly drags himself out of the ring. Kingston sets up a short ladder - he's just asking for trouble here - and climbs toward the briefcase. He barely gets anywhere before Rhodes peels him off with a back body drop. Rhodes and Hardy climb up the ladder and trade punches, but McIntyre tips the ladder over. Drew grabs Hardy and throws him into the ring post, and then does the same with Rhodes. McIntyre starts his way up the ladder, but he's stopped by Ziggler, who gets immediately tossed out of the ring. Kane pulls McIntyre out of the ring, too, and starts to tear the announces table apart. It's about at this time that the crowd starts to retch as Carlos y Hugo se cagan encima (translation: Carlos and Hugo shit themselves) in fear.

Kane grabs McIntyre by the throat, but McIntyre fights back. Kane tells McIntyre to fuck right off with a kick to the jaw, then, just to show that he means business, he takes Christian down with a right hook. Kane grabs a ladder and props it up on the apron, which gives Kofi Kingston just enough time to hit a low dropkick, sending the ladder into Kane's mug. Kingston goes to the outside, nursing his knee, and starts wailing on McIntyre. He backs up, giving himself enough room to hit a HARD Trouble In Paradise to the back of McIntyre's head. Now that poor Drew is laid out on the Spanish announce table (�ndale, Carlos and Hugo! Save yourselves!), Kingston climbs the nearest ladder on the outside. He teases the crowd by just standing there at the top, then hits a HYOOGE Boom Drop onto McIntyre and through the Spanish announce table! The funniest part is when Matt Striker reacts; not only does he scream out "OHHHHHHH," but he menacingly points at the wreckage like he's scolding a child for being a little bastard. Hugo understandably turned his back on the doom that befell the beloved table. I can't even imagine the paranoia that sets in on Hugo and Carlos at the breakfast table in the Savinovich and Cabrera households.

Ziggler, by himself in the ring, climbs a ladder and touches the briefcase, but Big Show tips the ladder over, grabs Ziggler in mid-fucking-air, and kills him with a Chokeslam! NICE. Kane sneaks up from behind and goes for a Chokeslam of his own, but Show fights back and rams Kane with a ladder in the corner, then hits a splash onto the ladder to hurt Kane some more. Hardy and Christian, who are showing one hell of a love-hate-love relationship in this match, work together to sandwich Show between a ladder and the ropes, but Show shoves them down with the ladder over them and belly flops onto the ladder (uh, sort of).

Show goes to the outside and FINALLY brings out his custom-made Giant Fucking Ladder. A Big Show chant breaks out as he tries to get the huge fucker into the ring, but it looks like it's a no-go. Where the hell are the eight guys that helped bring that ladder in on Friday night? With the support of the WWE Universe(~!), and after damn near blowing himself up from all the struggling, Show gets the ladder in through the second rope. He sets it up and doesn't even get to climb the first rung before Rhodes shows up and hits Show in the ankle with a step ladder. Every ladder in and around the ring suddenly looks comically puny compared to Show's Giant Fucking Ladder. Rhodes climbs up the huge ladder, but Ziggler comes up from behind and takes Rhodes down with an electric chair drop. King freaks out, mentioning that Rhodes' head hit the leg of another ladder, but I saw no such thing.

Every single competitor, in and out of the ring, is down. Ziggler slowly crawls up the Giant Fucking Ladder, but Show gets to his feet and hits Ziggler with a big, open-handed chop that gets the tired frying pan analogy out of Michael Cole. I guess he can keep doing that analogy as long as I can keep comparing Cole's face to a fat, water-retaining, clean-shaven vagina (or, as Sean Carless lovingly calls it, Matt Hardy's gunt). Show grabs his ankle in pain. Hardy stumbles over to Show and eats a headbutt. Kingston makes it to the apron and springboards onto the ladder. Show attempts to stop him, but Kofi gets him with a tornado DDT! Kingston starts to climb again, but Rhodes knocks him off the ladder with a missile dropkick from the turnbuckle! Jerry Lawler shows that depth perception isn't his strong point when he exclaims that Rhodes flew halfway across the ring. It's clear as day that the jump was more like one quarter-way across, but let's not get into specifics.

Rhodes hits the Cross-Rhodes on Kingston, which you really had to squint to see because of the Replay taking up most of the screen. I mean, honestly, do we have to see so many angles of a dropkick? Anyway, Rhodes climbs the ladder, but is stopped by Zig--- oh, nevermind, he completely missed and stumbled to the mat with all the grace of a one-legged Courtney Love on ice. Ziggler gets to his feet, punches Rhodes in the ass, and hits the Zig-Zag, sending Rhodes into the Giant Fucking Ladder. Show's back on his feet, fighting off Rhodes and Ziggler. Show looks up at the briefcase and starts climbing the ladder! Dear God, he's doing it! Before he can get to the briefcase, Kane runs in and tips the ladder over, sending Show over the top. Striker notes that with the 500-lb. Show on a 350-lb. ladder, "Kane just moved 800 pounds!" What the hell is it with all the terrible math and poor insight from the three announcers on this show? Get with the program, guys!

Christian, Kingston, and Rhodes start piling ladder after ladder on Show. Ah, THAT'S why there were so many of them littered around the arena! Hardy joins in on the fun, completely burying Show under ladders. Kane sets up the ladder in the meantime, and suddenly it's open season on the briefcase when everyone tries to climb it at the same time. Kane Chokeslams Christian and Hardy and rips Kingston off the ladder by the hair (HAHA!). Rhodes has got his hands on the briefcase, but Kane pulls the guy off and starts climbing the ladder himself. Ziggler runs in and jumps on the ladder, crawling right over Kane like a cockroach to reach the briefcase! Holy shit, that is great! Kane tries to fight him off, but Ziggler locks him into a sleeper hold. Kane rams Ziggler's head right into the ladder, sending him falling to the mat. Kane tries to send Ziggler to the outside, but Ziggler's knee gets caught up on the ropes. He gets thrown right onto the pile of ladders on top of Show. Thanks for playing, Zigs!

Kane gets dragged outside of the ring by Rhodes and Kingston. Kane Chokeslams Kingston right onto the ladder pile! He chases Rhodes onto the entrance ramp, then picks him up and slams him head first into one of the armored bank trucks! Kane notices Hardy climbing the ladder in the ring, and he races back in and flicks Hardy right off. Christian tries to climb up, but gets swatted away as well. Hardy and Christian rip Kane off the ladder with a double powerbomb! They climb either side of the ladder and exchange blows while touching the briefcase. Hardy and Christian are right on top of the ladder and have their hands on the briefcase! Both of them push at each other and fall off the ladder.

HEY, DREW MCINTYRE'S AWAKE~! McIntyre crawls into the ring and slowly makes his way up the ladder to a chorus of boos. The crowd is relieved to find Kane making his way up the ladder, and he grabs McIntyre by the throat as Matt Striker screeches, "JUST UNHOOK IT! JUST UNHOOK IT!" Yeah, he would if there wasn't a big, bald, menacing monster of a man with a giant hand around his throat. Kane sends McIntyre to the mat with a Chokeslam! He grabs the briefcase, unhooks it, and that's all she wrote!

WINNER: Kane! Man, Undertaker needs to be found in a vegetative state more often; it really brings out the best in Kane! Seriously though, Kane was arguably the best performer in the match, so kudos to him on the big win. Also, I loved seeing Big Show compete in a ladder match. They should do it more often now, to justify spending all that cash on that Giant Fucking Ladder.

Holy shit, that was a LOT to write about. And there's another ladder match coming up later? DEAR GOD.

Now we go TO THE BACK (or is that a strictly-TNA thing?) where the Heat Miser himself, Sheamus is standing with Josh Mathews. Sheamus wants everyone to know that he's a man of tremendous pride (or "proit", depending on whether you have an Irish accent or not), but he's not stupid. He watched the Nexus attack the locker room with a smile on his face, believing he was untouchable because of his pride. Yeah, it's kind of hard to touch a guy who scurries off like a frightened rodent whenever the Nexus does so much as look at him. When he did look at them, Sheamus saw that their eyes were soulless, like those of a Great White Shark. Sheamus found himself having to choose a side, so he did - but not because he suddenly has respect for John Cena. He doesn't have any respect for Cena. In fact, he hates Cena. Sheamus, you and I should go out for drinks. Sheamus hates Cena because all that bastard wants to do is make fun of his "beautiful, Irish skin" and his accent. He deems the fans' opinion of him worthless, and wants to know how funny Cena is when they face off in the steel cage. If we get more of his patented Fire Marshall Bill faces, I'd say "very". Sheamus also wants to know how many jar of mayonnaise jokes Cena'll make when he bounces his head off the steel bars. Hell, this should be Cena's new gimmick. He'd be like kid-friendly Eddie Murphy - with an insatiable appetite for punishment! BOOK IT. Sheamus tells Cena that he's about to get a beating worse than the one he suffered at the hands of the Nexus, and that he's an even bigger threat than the former NXT Rookies are.

WWE DIVAS' CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Alicia Fox (c) vs. Eve vs. The crowd's sudden incredible urge to piss

Eve prances out to the ring, slapping fans' hands and waving - you know, the generic face Diva entrance. Lawler reminds us that this show is sponsored by the sixth season of Criss Angel: Mindfreak. If there's anything I could use from Criss Angel right now, it's the ability to make this match disappear. As Eve awaits her opponent, Michael Cole stupidly asks, "Who is it?" I don't blame him for not knowing (or caring) who the Divas' Champion is. Alicia Fox makes her way out, holding her belt up for everyone to see. I don't think I need to note how quiet the crowd is right now.

Eve and Alicia lock up, and Alicia pushes Eve into the corner before dropping her onto the mat. Eve flips Alicia over and quickly applies a side headlock. Striker tells Lawler that he's heard about the Divas trying to beat the King's door down all the time, from the inside. While Lawler would usually make a quick comeback joke, tonight he's decided that we shouldn't have to enjoy some playful banter between commentators and shoots back with a sarcastic "Very funny." Cole jumps in with "He's been writing it all week," effectively shutting Striker up as Cole and Lawler spew the usual "Smart, sexy, powerful" stuff. Lawler announces that he loves a Diva with a high IQ and a low neckline (you sure you don't mean "low age", King?), to which Striker replies with a muttered "You would." Holy shit, I love the tension between those two. It's far more entertaining than this match. The live crowd, not getting to enjoy their banter, resorts to chanting "DANIEL BRYAN~!"

Alicia hits a backbreaker and continues to bend Eve over her knee. Eve fights her way out with kicks, but after a bit of offense, she finds herself on the receiving end of another, much more impressive tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Alicia goes for the count but comes up short. She wrenches Eve's arms backward and works on Eve's back. Eve fights out with a botched monkey flip followed by another attempt where Alicia is clearly seen getting her hands into position while bending over. Eve fights Alicia off with a couple of elbows, then hits a cross body block and two dropkicks. Eve goes for a suplex, but her back gives out on her. She kicks Alicia's leg out from under her and kicks her again in the chest, then hitting a standing moonsault for the cover. Alicia kicks out at two. I think Cole called the kicked to the chest a DDT before attempting to save his blunder with "Oop, she goes to a different strategy~!" At no point before that kick did it even look like a DDT was happening! I know we're suffering here, but you've gotta FOCUS, Cole~!

The match ends with Alicia going for her Axe Kick, which looks just devastating every time (sometimes in a bad way, but this one looked relatively safe). Alicia covers Eve for the win, retaining her title.

WINNER, and STILL WWE DIVAS' CHAMPION: Alicia Fox. Hey, I appreciate the effort that Eve and Alicia put into this match, because it was actually a decent match (much better than the free-TV Diva matches), but the entire Divas division does absolutely nothing for me.

Cole and Lawler plug the new WWE 7-Eleven cups, and Striker notes that he didn't get one! Get a fucking load of Cole, telling Striker that he doesn't have one 'cause he didn't deserve one. Ah, but the infinitely cool Vag-face gets a cup because he's the life of the WWE party with his Vintages and Oh My's. Isn't this the same guy who was on the receiving end of an atomic wedgie from D-Generation X several years ago? Isn't this the same guy who got a simulated fucking right through the seat of his perfectly ironed slacks by Heidenreich? Isn't this the same guy who got owned by an NXT Rookie for talking too much shit? NO CUP FOR YOU.

By the way, check out how enthusiastic and lively Lawler is as Cole talks us through the upcoming Smackdown recap:

So, they recap last Friday's segment where Kane confronted Jack Swagger and his dad, Bunkswag Buck. Speaking of Bunkhouse Buck, of all the actors out there, WWE couldn't find a guy with a set of teeth that could chew through fucking concrete? I think I'd have found it more believable if they had hired Duane fucking Dibbley. They couldn't get Tom "Biff Tannen" Wilson himself to play him? Also, while we got a some funny ~~photoshop fodder~~ snapshots of Swagger and his dad out of the segment, the whole thing reminded me that I really don't see Jack Swagger's appeal aside from being Diet Kurt Angle (pre-ECW Wrestling Machine). At least Kane's finally got something to do.

As an aside, how big of an asshole is Michael Cole during this recap? Striker notes that Swagger looked conflicted as he turned his back on his dad and grimaced as Kane hit the Chokeslam on Swag-Dad. "CONFLICTED?!" Cole exclaims, damn near eating the headset mic. Well, yes, the facial spasms and mannerisms all suggested confliction on Swagger's part, but let's not let these small details get in the way of tearing down everything Striker says out of spite~! If these commentators end up blowing up at each other before the end of the show, I'll look back on Money In The Bank 2010 fondly FOREVER.

We go backstage again, where Swagger's on the phone with his mom, Mrs. Swagger (or Jerri from Strangers with Candy). He asks how his dad's doing, then tells her to stop being so hysterical. Finally, he snaps at her, "SHUT. UP." He swears that none of what happened is his fault (a statement no doubt prepared through Swagger's attorney, Mr. Gene A. Snitsky, Esq.), and that his dad is always living vicariously through him. Christ, this phone call sounds nothing like a natural conversation between humans. Swagger tells his mom that Mr. Swagger got what he deserved because it was his idea to tag along to the ring. He'll give Swagdad the chance to bask in Swagger's glory, as usual, when he snaps Rey Mysterio's ankle tonight. Terrible, and he didn't even end the call with something cool like, "Get the pasta ready, Mom, 'cause I'm going to eat my victory meal right off of the World Heavyweight Championship~!" Don't make me think of everything, Swag-hag!

UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: The Hart Dynasty w/ Natalya (c) vs. Jimmy and Jey Uso w/ Tamina

Oh my God, I think Tamina's got beefier arms than both the Usos. Their music is entirely too quiet, completely unfit for an entrance. I can't seem to get into them either, as they are constant reminders that Rikishi had naked sex with a woman. Hey, I'm not saying that's a bad thing! I'm happy that Rikishi found a woman willing to get her Rump Shaken in the bedroom. This is a story of true love and undying hope for the rest of us girl/boyfriendless losers~! The Hart Dynasty is out next, and Michael Cole gives us a long-winded history of both teams. Lawler, surprisingly enough, hasn't said much of anything thus far. I guarantee that there won't be any shutting him up once Natalya and Tamina go in for the obligatory cat fight.

Smith and Jey start the match off, with Smith taking Jey down to the mat. Smith twists Jey's arm and tugs on it as Jey punches his way out of the hold. Jey bounces off the ropes, but Smith catches him and takes him down with a powerslam for a 2-count. Kidd makes a blind tag. Smith hip tosses Kidd into Jey, and Kidd executes a Huracanrana and goes for the pin. Jey kicks out at 2. Kidd tags Smith back in, but he's quickly taken down to the mat by Jey. Jey tags Jimmy in, and Jimmy beats on Smith in the corner with a series of quick right hands. You just know Primo's watching this match in the back and cursing Carlito's name for costing them this opportunity. That's truly not cool. The crowd's still pretty dead for this, despite getting a "Vintage Rikishi" (as Cole said) ass bump to the face. Dear God, Cole.

Natalya gets a slow clap out of the silent crowd, but it doesn't last long before she tries in vain to get them to keep it going. Later on, Kidd lets out a scream that finally gets a reaction from the crowd, but, man, it seems like nothing sticks. Sucks, too, 'cause this is a pretty good match so far. Kidd goes for some crazy-looking surprise roll-up pin, but Jimmy makes a blind tag and a double team from the Usos gets a 2-count. The only thing these teams are really missing is a damn good storyline to get the crowds to care about them more. Well, they could stand to show a bit more personality in and out the ring, too, 'cause simply being related to wrestlers of yesteryear isn't exactly going to fly with the kids who didn't grow up watching them, is it?

Later on, Jimmy goes for the Snuka Splash, but Kidd blocks it with his knees. Kidd makes the tag to Smith, who enters the ring with a huge shoulder block that sends Jimmy onto his ass with gusto. The crowd finally wakes up when Smith goes for the Sharpshooter! Tamina distracts Smith, which prompts Natalya to stomp over there and body slam her, much to the crowd's delight! Smith locks the Sharpshooter in on Jimmy as Kidd races to stop Jey's interference with a big dropkick and a suicide dive, and Jimmy taps out!

WINNERS and STILL WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: The Hart Dynasty! Good match despite its shortness. I actually hope both these teams find more popularity with the WWE fans; they definitely deserve it. The Hart Dynasty is a great team (but, again, personalities go a long way), and the Usos can go a long way before WWE Creative gets bored with them and breaks them up before wondering why they're not getting over as singles stars and firing them. I'm just saying; they are in Primo and Carlito's spots.

Here's a commercial for the sixth season of Criss Angel: Mindfreak! I admit to being a casual fan of the show (I tend to miss the show a hell of a lot more than catch it), but this guy was just ghastly as a Raw guest host. I'm sure that night would've been more entertaining if Shaq was in the audience screaming "CRISS-TIIIIIIINAAAA! CRISS-TIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNAAAA!!!" every time Criss showed up. The guy's gotten one hell of an ego since the first couple of seasons, and he just gives me epic douche chills.

Back to the show where Lawler says he wants to get Criss onto the show to make Cole and Striker disappear. Can we make it three-for-three? We're told for the umpteenth time this week that the official theme is "Money" by I Fight Dragons. I'd have prefered the Pink Floyd version. Next year, I want the theme to be Vince McMahon with a rousing rendition of "We're in the Money".

We see a video package that highlights the events that lead up to tonight's World Heavyweight Championship bout. In short: 619 to the armpit, Mysterio win, Swagger MAD. Since that fateful night, we've seen Mysterio do things that only the strongest of champions get to do: suffer a devastating ankle injury at the hands of Jack Swagger, and get dragged across the entire backstage area of an arena by the leg like a fucking mop as he screamed "AAAAHHHHH!!! SUELTAMEEEE!!!" Was this really necessary to have him go into this match looking like the underdog? Isn't his short stature enough?

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Jack Swagger

Jack Swagger's out first to a smattering of heat, wearing the face of an angry neanderthal. I think the last two matches killed the crowd, but I imagine that Mysterio's entrance is going to have them jumping right out of their seats. Like clockwork, Rey-Rey's music hits and the crowd stirs! Can't really hear the crowd over the music and pyro, though. Striker mentions Mysterio's ankle injury as the guy limps to the ring, and he also makes sure to put over Swagger's ankle lock. My favorite Fred Flintstone look-alike, Tony Chimel, is doing the formal introductions.

The match starts and Swagger immediately tries to go for Mysterio's ankle but Mysterio is able to keep away. They lock up, and Swagger plucks Mysterio off the mat and slams him into the corner. Mysterio shoves him away and kicks at him, but Swagger grabs his ankle out of nowhere and attempts an ankle lock for an early finish. Mysterio fights him off with a few kicks. Swagger charges at Mysterio, who trips him and teases a 619. He instead goes for an asai moonsault, but Swagger catches him in mid-air and drives him into the corner. As Mysterio hangs from the tree of woe, Swagger goes for a spear, but Mysterio sits up and lets Swagger run into the turnbuckle. Swagger rolls out of the ring in pain. Mysterio climbs to the top of the turnbuckle and flings himself onto Swagger.

Back in the ring, Mysterio goes for another dive, but Swagger gets to his feet and runs up, grabbing Mysterio and hitting a huge belly-to-belly suplex from the top turnbuckle. Awesome spot! Swagger stomps at Mysterio's ankle, and Mysterio rolls to the outside to get away. I think there's a small "Let's Go Swagger!" chant going! Swagger walks over to Mysterio, grabbing him by the head and slamming him onto the announce table and then standing on the injured ankle. By the way, have I commented on Mysterio's ring gear? It's like a Mexican luchador's BDSM dream come true. What is that, spiky vinyl? "Purchase this replica spiky vinyl Rey Mysterio mask, receive a FREE ball gag (whip sold separately)!"

Swagger locks Mysterio in a modified knee bar, jerking the leg back a bit a couple of times. Is anyone else as bothered as I am by Mysterio's screams? They sound like the pleasured moans of a horny, old woman. Is Mae Young doing voice-over dub work for this match? Anywho, Mysterio fights out of the knee bar with some kicks. Michael Cole calls Mysterio "the ultimate underdog". HE'S THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. How the hell does an underdog holding the biggest title on his show sound plausible? That makes it sound like he won the belt as a fluke! And on top of that, his win-loss record stood, as recently as April of this year, at 23-4 with 2 no decisions. Yeah, a real underdog there. Rey goes for... what the fuck? He went for something, but Swagger picked him up and botched the absolute shit out of what I guess could've been either a power slam or a Samoan drop. This gets him a near fall anyway. Striker thinks that botchy mess transitioned into a pin was just beautiful~! "It wasn't pretty, but it was effective!" says Cole. This quote and more in the next installment of That's What She Said!

Swagger picks Mysterio up and throws him right across the ring like a rag doll. He attempts a Vader Bomb, but Mysterio dodges and connects with a huge kick to Swagger's noggin and a big seated senton from the top turnbuckle. He struggles against Swagger for a bit in the corner and sends him into the nearest turnbuckle head first, finishing off with a split-legged moonsault and a pin attempt. Swagger kicks out at 2! Both men get to their feet, and Swagger catches him and hits a big wheelbarrow suplex. He lets Mysterio get to his feet as Striker comments that Swagger has brought the pace of the match to "a screeching halt" to let Mysterio feel his aching knee. Mysterio feeds Swagger a boot to the face, but Swagger retaliates with a gut wrench powerbomb and another pin attempt. Mysterio gets a foot up on the ropes to break up the pin, and Swagger is none too happy.

He makes it to his feet and grabs Mysterio's injured ankle, prompting more of those awful old lady yells, but Mysterio grabs the ropes at the corner and kicks away at Swagger with his other leg. He hits a Huracanrana that sends Swagger flying back into the ring post. Mysterio climbs the turnbuckle, with Swagger following close behind and throwing Mysterio over his shoulder. Swagger slowly rises, ready to do some serious damage as Striker growls, "DO IT." It looks like Swagger was going for an F-5, but Mysterio counters into a sick DDT! Mysterio goes for the pin, but Swagger kicks out at 2! "What is Swagger - Superman?!" Eaaasy, Lawler! Cena's match is coming up later. Swagger grabs at the ropes to pull himself to his feet, but Mysterio shoves him back down and connects with the 619! Fucking Swagger, you should KNOW what's coming when you decide to take a breather on the second rope in a Mysterio match! Mysterio goes for the seated senton (what's that, the third or fourth one in this match so far?), but Swagger catches him in the Styles Clash position and locks in the ankle lock! Mysterio quickly gets to the ropes, but Swagger decides that he'll savor almost every second of the 5-count.

Swagger hits a grand total of two Vader Bombs on Mysterio - or are they calling them Swagger Bombs now? - and starts stomping and standing on the injured ankle again. Swags, seriously, enough with targeting the ankle. Rey's shown all match long that the ankle doesn't faze him unless you touch it. When Swagger lets go, Mysterio loosens his boot, which comes off during Swagger's last attempt at the ankle lock, and he rolls Swagger up for the pin!

WINNER, and STILL WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: Rey Mysterio! Michael Cole calls this homage to Eddie Guerrero a "BRILLIANT~!111" move on Mysterio's part. Am I the only one who finds something wrong with that statement? Meh. I'm telling you, though, I wouldn't be surprised if John Cena was sitting backstage, waiting eagerly to ask Rey for some pointers on how to overcome odds as good as he does.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Swagger attacks Mysterio and locks in the ankle lock once more! What a desperate guy. Striker is enjoying this a little too much, growling out stuff like "GOOD~!" and "BRRRRREAK IT! YEAH!" As Mysterio taps (BUH?!), Kane runs down to the ring to break up the assault! Kane beats on Swagger and chases him up the ramp and to the back. Mysterio grabs his title and holds it up for all to see. Awww.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Kane's music hits, and he's got his Money in the Bank briefcase and a referee with him! Shit is going down! Shit. Is. Going. DOWN.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Kane

Kane is cashing in! FUCK YEAH! The bell rings, and Mysterio tries his damnedest to get away. All that shit about pride and nobility during those interviews and now he wants to run away and get counted out? Kane don't play dat. Kane grabs him by the leg and slams him down to the mat. He grabs Mysterio by the throat and delivers a Chokeslam. Mysterio gets plucked off the mat again, and he's DRILLED back into the mat with a Tombstone. Kane goes for the cover, and we have ourselves a new champion!

WINNER, and NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: Kane. YES. KANE. "Over a decade or something like that" later (thanks, Cole), Kane finds his way to Heavyweight Championship gold again! We'll just pretend that the ECW Championship reign never happened.

Backstage, Edge is watching Kane's win on a monitor. Jericho approaches him as Edge spins around to let him know he's got eyes on the back of his head. With a smile on his face, Jericho tells him that they're the eyes of a desperate man, and Edge isn't about to disagree. He's won the Money in the Bank match twice, and Kane isn't going to be the only guy cashing in tonight. Jericho reminds Edge that he was the guy who created this match, and tonight it'll be him cashing in after the Cena/Sheamus match. Big talk from a guy who's never won the Money in the Bank match, says Edge. Jericho assures him that it only makes him more desperate, and that the worst is yet to come. It looks like Jericho's some kind of fucking psychic, because here comes...

WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Layla (c) w/ Michelle McCool (w/ useless, fake fucking duplicate belt) vs. Kelly Kelly w/ Tiffany

NOOOOOOOOO!!! Come on, we already had our obligatory Divas match! Christ. So, as Kelly makes her way down to the ring, we get a recap of how we got to this wretched position on the card, where Layla annoyingly sings "Smelly Keeeeelly! Smelly Keeeeelly!" before Kelly gets attacked by her and Michelle McCool backstage. Sadly, this is all it takes to set up a Women's Championship match. I'm sure the next one will be brought around by the well-known make-up table brawl that stems from one of the girls getting covered in baby powder. Remember the epic rivalry between Trish Stratus and Lita? Yeah, me neither. What was I talking about? Ah, right, so Layla's out next with Michelle McCool. No Kaval? Must be taking a piss along with the rest of the arena.

Layla and Kelly lock up and Kelly gets pushed back into the corner. Kelly knocks Layla off her feet with a Thesz press, gingerly slamming her head onto the mat repeatedly. I can't believe the banshee-like shrieks that come out of these two women's mouths when they're barely putting anything into their attacks. We get more of Kelly's limited moveset, slapping, slamming Layla's head onto the turnbuckle, kicking her in the gut, the stupid back handspring splash... Layla dodges the splash, but soon finds herself getting rolled up for a pin as Michael Cole hilarious lisps out, "Look at thithhhhh." Layla kicks out at 2, and Kelly kicks Layla out of the ring. Cole and Lawler keep baiting Striker into calling Kelly and Tiffany whatever it is that he calls them, but Striker's not biting. I seriously can't wait for these three to fight.

Kelly goes to the apron, but Layla pulls it out from under her and kicks at her knee. The kicks continue back in the ring as Kelly screams and hollers like a fucking animal. Layla works on Kelly's leg and sends her to the outside with a baseball slide that nearly takes Michelle's head off as well because she just had to get in the way to antagonize Kelly. Layla rams Kelly into the barricade and reenters the ring just in time for Michelle to keep going with her bullshit. Kelly hilariously shoves Michelle right off the barricade. Before I can truly enjoy her absence, she's back as Kelly hits the K2 for a pin attempt. Michelle helps Layla get her foot on the ropes. Kelly tries to go for a roll-up after she and Tiffany double clothesline Michelle on the outside, but Layla sits up and pins Kelly instead. Striker seems to be pretty happy, even putting on a British accent for his "little English muffin" that kills the commentary dead.

WINNER, and STILL WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPION: Layla. JUST LAYLA. NOT MICHELLE. This match was pure shit, and makes me appreciate the Eve/Alicia Fox match so much more. Dear God, way to stink up the show. Lawler quips that he remembers why he watches Smackdown with the sound muted, and Striker, without missing a beat, replies with "Grisham?" ELLE OH ELLE!

We get to see a recap of Smackdown's Money in the Bank match from earlier, and another of Kane's title win. And if you thought my recap of that Smackdown match was long, get ready for...

RAW MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH: Randy Orton vs. U.S. Champ The Miz vs. Mark Henry vs. Ted DiBiase w/ Maryse vs. John Morrison vs. Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne vs. Edge

Randy Orton's out first to a big chorus of cheers. Justin Roberts announces the match and the rules, you know, in case you forgot them since the last MITB match that happened oh-so-long ago. The Miz is out next, and he came to play~! Sadly, the rest of the competitors have come to work. Mark Henry's making his way down to the ring, and wigs everywhere are put on high alert! Ted DiBiase is the next guy out, heading to the ring with Maryse. I guess I'm the only person who thinks that Maryse is capable of much more than valeting. John Morrison is out next to a good reaction. They're really rushing these entrances, I think. Chris Jericho arrives to a surprisingly mixed reaction. I wouldn't be surprised if a face turn was on the cards in the near future. Evan Bourne heads to the ring next to a nice pop, and you just know he's going to be hauling ass in this big opportunity, main event match. Edge is the last guy out, sliding a ladder into the ring.

As soon as the bell rings, Edge slides himself right out of the ring. The rest of the competitors swarm around the ladder, staring each other down. They start to pound on each other, and before long the only guys in the ring are Mark Henry, Chris Jericho and Evan Bourne. Bourne hits a dropkick on Henry in the corner. In the ensuing chaos, Edge makes a bee line for the briefcase, but Orton pulls him off the ladder and sends him to the outside with, uh, a face slam to the ladder? Sure! Orton follows close behind and continues to pound on Edge. In the ring, Morrison dodges a ladder from DiBiase and gets him with a kick to the back. DiBiase retaliates with a clothesline that has Morrison falling onto the ladder. DiBiase picks the ladder up as Morrison rolls to the outside and hits Orton with it. He turns around to eat his own ladder as Bourne dropkicks it right into his face. The Miz enters the ring and throws Bourne right out. Jericho comes in and trade punches, but Jericho quickly gains the upper hand.

Mark Henry enters the ring and throws a ladder into Jericho's and Miz's faces. God, I hope that Big Show's Giant Fucking Ladder is still hanging out under the ring. Miz catches his breath on the second rope, and in the most unfortunate attack of the match so far, Henry jumps on Miz, grazing allllll of his head with his crotch and falling out to the floor. Jericho takes Henry down with his ladder, then reenters the ring where Bourne is trying to make his way up to the briefcase. Bourne sees Jericho coming with another ladder and ducks under it, hitting Jericho on the back with an Enziguiri sort of kick. It was pretty fast. Bourne resumes setting the ladder up and climbs near the top to reach the briefcase. Edge tries to stop Bourne, but he ends up on the receiving end of a Huracanrana that sends him to the outside. Orton enters the ring now to put a stop to Bourne's shenanigans. Orton pulls Bourne through the rungs of the ladder and hits the DDT he usually does from the ropes. Cole comments that this is the first time Orton's done this, to which Striker replies "Yeah, this is a lot better, though!" I agree, that was awesome!

Morrison's in the ring now, getting Orton with a huge springboard kick to the SKULL after throwing him into the corner. Morrison apparently got caught on the ladder after this, smacking his head on it as it fell. He doesn't miss a beat, though, as he tries to suplex DiBiase onto another ladder before Miz comes in to interrupt and assist DiBiase in kicking Morrison's ass. Miz charges at Morrison but ends up getting flapjacked into a ladder set up at the corner. DiBiase tries his luck, but eats a drop toe hold onto the ladder. With the ring cleared out, Morrison sets another ladder up and climbs to the top. Looks like he mistakenly set it up away from the briefcase. Edge climbs the other side of the ladder, and Jericho sets up yet another ladder with Orton climbing on the other side of that one. All four guys are punching each other and reaching for the briefcase until Mark Henry stomps up in between the ladders and shoves them both out like he's spreading Courtney Love's legs. NICE. Bourne's climbs the ropes and uses a ladder as a javelin of some kind to throw his knees into Henry's chest.

With everyone down, Maryse checks on DiBiase and decides to take it upon herself to grab the briefcase. OH GOD, this is great! When she gets all the way to the top, Morrison tries to help her down, but Maryse is reluctant. Morrison gets her down and tells her to leave the ring as DiBiase tries to sneak up to the briefcase. Morrison stops him with a punch, but soon gets slammed head first into another ladder. DiBiase grabs the ladder leading to the briefcase and tries to ram it into Morrison at the corner, but misses when Morrison jumps out of the ring. Outside of the ring, Miz sets his sights on Morrison. He sets a ladder up on the ring post, slams Morrison onto the barricade, then catapults him into the ladder. Morrison lands on his feet, climbs up and grabs another ladder, using it to ride his way onto a third ladder that Edge is on. NICE~! Morrison goes for the briefcase, but Edge grabs him by the legs and pulls him through the ladder. Edge and Miz place another ladder inside the one where Morrison is caught and drive it down onto Morrison's midsection, each slam met with an "OHHHH" from the crowd. Their fourth "OHHHH" comes after Edge decides to push the ladder into Miz, sending him to the outside. "Never trust Edge," says Lawler. Finally, Edge pushes down the ladder with Morrison still on it, then dumps him out of the ring.

Edge sets up a ladder again, but DiBiase is in with a ladder of his own which he slams into Edge's midsection. DiBiase opens up a ladder upside down then fights Jericho for another before flicking Orton off the apron with it. He fights Edge off and goes for the briefcase, but Henry's back in the ring to stop him. DiBiase tries to hit a cross body from the ladder, but Henry catches him in mid-air and hits the World's Strongest Slam. Jericho goes after Henry, but eats a ladder for his troubles. The ladder lands on top of Jericho, and Henry slams Miz on top of them both. Henry starts climbing the ladder just as Bourne piggybacks to the top like a fucking monkey. Now THAT is hilarious! Striker notes that with Henry and Bourne on the ladder, it's supporting about 600 lbs. Wait. Wait a fucking minute!

If that ladder can support 600 lbs., exactly why the fuck did Big Show need an enormous reinforced ladder? Why did the rungs buckle under the weight of his foot? Are you kidding me?! Way to go, WWE, you've SOILED my perception of reality! SOILED IT! How could they possibly let this happen on the same show?! What do you mean it's not a big deal? This is a HUGE deal! Big Show only weighs about 485! He could've won the match within seconds! BAH.

Orton and Edge pull Bourne off the ladder and throw him out of the ring, where Henry catches him and delivers another World's Strongest Slam, leaving Bourne in a fucking heap. Jericho feeds Henry a Code Breaker, and Edge spears Henry after. Miz, Morrison, Jericho, and Orton are all climbing up to the briefcase, three of them on the same ladder. That looks really unsafe, too. DiBiase adds to the lack of safety by balancing another ladder between the ropes and the other ladder, pulling Miz out of the way and onto his ladder addition. DiBiase climbs his ladder and punches at Edge. Orton and Edge jump down and grab DiBiase, punching him down onto the ladder he added and sliding them both to the outside. Orton then turns on Edge and strikes with the RKO. Jericho kicks Orton in the face and focuses on beating Morrison off the ladder. Morrison knocks Jericho off the ladder, but it looks like his leg is stuck between a couple of rungs. Orton pulls Morrison off the ladder and hits another RKO that is immediately followed by a Shooting Star Press from Bourne onto Orton. The crowd LOVES this one.

Bourne climbs up the ladder where Jericho's still hanging. Bourne's almost there, but Jericho's back up and stops Bourne from unhooking the briefcase! Bourne manages to fight Jericho off and goes for the briefcase again, but Jericho smashes Bourne's head with the briefcase and throws him off the ladder. Jericho can't get to the briefcase as it's swinging in a giant circle. Edge attacks Jericho at the top of the ladder. Jericho falls off the ladder and meets the RKO from Orton! Edge reaches for the ladder, but Orton shoves him into the other ladder that was standing upside down. The crowd is going WILD as Orton makes his way up the ladder. He goes for the briefcase, starts to unhook it, but the Miz tips the ladder over! Miz gets to the top of the ladder and immediately unhooks the briefcase to a chorus of boos!

WINNER: The Miz! The Miz hugs his newly acquired briefcase, overcome with emotion. He grabs a microphone and announces that everyone is living in his moment. His win confirms that he made it, made believers out of all the cynics, skeptics, pretenders, and critics. Take a good, hard look at the man with the briefcase; he is Mr. Money in the Bank, a future WWE Champion. He's the Miz, and he's awesome~! Great match, that's for sure.

We get another promo for Criss Angel's Mindfreak, and an ad for Summer Slam. I love the first grade class picture-esque shot of The Nexus. Up next we've got Cena and Sheamus in the steel cage. A video package goes over the past month or so between both men, including their scuffles with The Nexus. The steel cage is set up after the promo, and Justin Roberts goes over the rules of the match before Cena's music hits.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP STEEL CAGE MATCH: Sheamus (c) vs. John Cena

I'll try to keep this one short; this recap is way past its deadline as it is (sorry, Sean!). Cena's out to the usual big pop as he walks down to the ring. Sheamus comes out next to boos as Cole puts Sheamus over as the 100th WWE Champion. Hey, that's actually a great little fun fact, definitely something I'd have liked to hear on Monday Night Raw a few times. That's not something you just gloss over until PPV time, you know!

We go through formal ring intros, and the cage door is chained up and padlocked. The bell rings and Cena and Sheamus circle each other for a bit before locking up. Sheamus fights Cena off and flashes a big grin before they circle each other again. As they lock up, Sheamus kicks Cena in the stomach and pounds him down to the mat with a couple of elbow clubs. Sheamus has Cena in the corner, driving his shoulder into Cena's midsection. Cena hits a clothesline on Sheamus, and Sheamus retaliates by throwing Cena into the cage. I think Cena way oversold that one, because not a single sound came from the cage itself. At this point in the show, Striker replies to one of Lawler's comments with "Ehhhh..." I've enjoyed every bit of their banter tonight, I'll tell you that much. Cole's commentary, not so much. Sheamus goes for the pin, but Cena kicks out at two.

Sheamus has the upper hand until Cena tackles him and wails on him with a series of right hands. At the corner, Cena LOUDLY calls for an elbow, among other things. After an Irish Whip across the ring, Sheamus does exactly what Cena called for. This suddenly starts a Cena Sucks chant among the grown males in the crowd. Sheamus hits a running knee to Cena's head, and Cena rolls out between the cage and the ropes after Sheamus does some really weird thing that, since the camera's only got him from the chest up, looks like he's picking a tremendous wedgie. Cena's back on his feet, but Sheamus punches him and grinds his forehead along the cage. Dear God, Sheamus, don't make him bleed! Think of the children! Sheamus hits a knee drop and then picks Cena up, only to suffer the pain of a suplex. Cena goes for the cover, but Sheamus kicks out. Cena and Sheamus exchange shots in the center of the ring. Cena's got the advantage, hitting a big shoulder block. He goes for another, but Sheamus ducks and Cena flies into the ropes (I think he missed the cage again).

Another pin attempt has Cena kicking out at two. Sheamus picks Cena up off the mat and hits a reverse DDT. Sheamus tries to go for another cover, but Cena kicks out again. Sheamus decided to climb out of the cage. Cena starts climbing up, too, and they both fight on the top rope. Sheamus stumbles onto the corner and Cena hits a Superplex for another cover, but he only gets a 2-count. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Sheamus counters with a DDT for another near fall. You know what'd be cool? If they utilized the cage more instead of just having it there for show. A Celtic Hammer to Cena's face gets Sheamus another near fall. Another one is good for another two-count. Lawler makes a really good point when he observes that Sheamus could be climbing out of the ring instead of staring off into space wonder what'll put Cena away. Sheamus goes for a third attempt, but Cena ducks it and starts to gain momentum, but Sheamus catches him in a sleeper hold. He takes Cena all the way down to the mat, but he's John Cena, he's on his feet in no time flat. Sheamus piggy-backs Cena back down, keeping the sleeper hold locked in as the children chant for Cena. Cena makes it back to his feet with Sheamus still piggy-backing him, much to Sheamus' disbelief. Cena makes it to the ropes, but it doesn't force a break on Sheamus' part. Cena climbs the turnbuckle with Sheamus still on him. Sheamus, ever the smart one, jumps off of Cena and hits Cena on the back of the knee, sort of crotching him on the top turnbuckle. He goes for the pin, but a crotching is only good for two.

Sheamus chokes Cena with his boot, but soon decides that maybe climbing out of the cage is a better idea. A manly Sheamus chant breaks out, soon drowned out by a high-pitched Cena chant. Cena springs back to life in true Superman style, stopping Sheamus from escaping. Cena ducks Sheamus' clothesline and hits the usual shoulder blocks, then a belly-to-back suplex, then the Five-Knuckle Shuffle. Cena goes for a second Attitude Adjustment, but Sheamus grabs the cage and scurries to the top before Cena puts a stop to that shit. Cena and Sheamus are fighting again on the top rope, and Cena smacks Sheamus' face into the top of cage. I don't know if you're getting this vibe from reading this, but this is a pretty repetitive match. Cena moves to the top turnbuckle for a Five-Knuckle Shuffle, but he misses as Sheamus rolls out of harm's way. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST CLIMB OUT OF THE CAGE?!

Sheamus beats on Cena and ties him up to the ropes. Okay, now CLIMB OUT OF THE CAGE! No? Sheamus decides to taunt and pound on Cena instead. He uses Cena as a step stool to climb out of the cage, but Super-Cena powers out of his predicament and stops Sheamus, the two fighting on the top rope yet again. Cena hits a top rope bulldog on Sheamus for a two-count. Okay, this truly is repetitive. Let's fast-forward a little.

Sheamus hits a bicycle kick for a two-count. Nevermind the pins; hit the kick and fly out of the cage! Sheamus looks like he finally wants to climb out of the cage, BUT DECIDES NOT TO. Striker says that he doesn't because Sheamus wants to earn Cena's respect. Fuck that! Who needs Cena's respect when you can have a win over him?! Cena hits another Attitude Adjustment and goes for the pin, but Sheamus kicks out.

OH HEY, IT'S THE NEXUS, and they've got bolt cutters! The referee - what a brave motherfucker - he takes the bolt cutters away from Tarver, and the Nexus stalk the ref like they've found their next rape victim, demanding the key to the cage. The ref pulls the keys out, but he instead throws them into the crowd! Jesus Christ, ref, are you trying to get killed tonight?! Inside the cage, Cena goes for - I shit you not - yet another Attitude Adjustment, but Sheamus fights Cena away. Sheamus gets pushed into the in-ring referee which now means that the ref is dead forever. Cena locks in the STF and Sheamus taps, but the ref is out! Cena starts climbing to the top of the cage, but the Nexus try their best to stop him. Cena is held in place as best as possible by the Nexus as he tries to fight them off, and Sheamus manages to climb out of the cage first!

WINNER, and STILL WWE CHAMPION: Sheamus! What a clusterfuck. Hell of a color-by-numbers match despite the cage being there, too. In fact, the cage was barely utilized. This was not a cage match; this was a match inside a cage, and there's a fucking difference!

Cena attacks the Nexus in frustration, hurling the ring steps at Michael Tarver (who sells it beautifully). Cena screams out, "AH TOLD'JA AH'D TAKE EVERY ONE OF YA OUT~!" And it looks like that's your Money in the Bank pay-per-view event!

If you actually got to the end of this unnecessarily long Rant, holy shit, give yourself a pat on the back! Smoke a cigarette, take a nap, do what you've gotta do. I apologize, too; I've got a habit of being way too wordy with these things. It was a pretty damn good show aside from the shitty stuff like the Layla/Kelly match and the boring main event. The intense dislike that Cole and Lawler seem to have for Striker made for a lot of entertaining commentary, and I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that Striker is absolutely hilarious when he marks out and starts growling creepy stuff like "DO IT". The Money in the Bank matches were obviously the highlights of the show, as they damn well should be. Big, fat, ladder-breaking thumbs up from me! I'm Catherine Perez, and thanks for reading!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ

Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out. She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth. Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.