(posted
originally in Spring 2004)
Not a day goes past where
there isn't someone, somewhere
inevitably asking:
"Where's The Ultimate Warrior, and when is he
coming back?"However, what most don't
realize is that even though the enigmatic Warrior
has seemingly walked away from sports
entertainment, his presence is stillfelt all around
the world. You see, since his self imposed
retirement from Wrestling, Warrior has chosen to
spend the bulk of his free time walking the Earth,
dispensing Destrucity like it was beer to an
Irishman, to all those who cared to listen;
spreading his message abroad, and often, righting
many wrongs that may fall before him. Many of
these tales and adventures have been housed in an
ultra-secret novel known as "The Book of Warrior",
in which Warrior's disciples (Not Ed
Lesley) have kept meticulous records of their
messiah, in journal form.
These individual tales are
known as "The Chronicles of Warrior", and luckily
for us, we here at The Wrestling Fan.com have been
privy to this information, and will start to
reveal some of these previously unknown journal
entries.
Join us now as we reveal but
one of these stories:
 OPERATION
WARRIOR:
By now we're all aware of
"Operation Iraqi Freedom" initiated by President
George W. Bush in hopes to fully liberate Iraq
from the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein. What the
world does not realize is that in the last several
months, The Bush regime had a secret weapon at
their disposal, a man who ultimately(~!) turned
the tide for the U.S., and in turn helped the
fighting men and women of the armed forces triumph
in their goal. I'm of course speaking of The
Ultimate Warrior, or as he was code named: "The
Weapon of Mass
Destrucity"
It was decided about 6
months ago that despite their best efforts, the
Armed forces were still suffering casualties to a
people, who seemingly wanted no part of democracy.
It was at this point the call was placed to
Scottsdale Arizona, err "Parts Unknown", and The
Warrior. After being briefed on the dire
situation, Warrior was willing to do what he
could.... providing there were no homosexuals
or Mexicans in his
platoon...
Truth be told, It was not
very difficult to convince Warrior to bring down
Saddam. You see, he was still quite angry over the
fact that it was Hussein who put Sgt. Slaughter up
to "stealing" his WWF Title in 1991, and was
willing to do whatever was necessary to punish the
Dictator for this unpardonable "sin". With this,
OPERATION WARRIOR was set into
motion.
Day 1
 Right out of the gate, there
was some minor dissension between Warrior and the
other men aboard the Black Hawk chopper headed
over the Middle East. When asked which was the
better country in which to enter Iraq, "Turkey or
Kuwait", one soldier stood up and said "I think
Turkey is best". Warrior caught wind of the last
statement and completely misinterpreted the boy's
words, before going on a long winded tirade of
health consciousness, singing the praises of soy,
and preaching how a Warrior should never sully his
holy temple by consuming such a foul bird. All was
settled, thankfully, when the Master-Chief relayed
to Warrior that the men were not speaking of
fatty luncheon products, but instead the best
possible route of attack.
Day
2
 Having now landed, The troops
set up camp and went over strategies. Warrior
shocked the men by announcing that he requires no
weapons, and further baffled the troops by
shedding his fatigues and insisting on doing
battle in a tiny snug pair of bikini briefs,
explaining that he's at his best when
"unfettered".
With the Battle plan firmly
set in place, Warrior once again bucked authority,
refusing to travel by tank or even by helicopter,
instead insisting on making his "surprise" assault
by being launched by the division's Patriot
missile launcher! After much deliberation, it was
ultimately (no pun intended) decided that
Warrior's unique assault would be the most
unpredictable, so Warrior was subsequently greased
up and packed into the launcher where he was
propelled into the sky. Unfortunately, for many
Iraqi's, this tumbling ball of multi-colored chaos
would be the last thing they'd ever
see....
Warrior, as he cascaded
through the darkened desert, soon realized that
unlike a standard missile, he lacked a guiding
system (something that may have came in handy in
'91 whilst holding Vince up for money) but
fortunately for him, he learned to manipulate and
contort his body during his many explosive flying
shoulder tackles, and was thus able to guide
himself into proper
position....
Upon impact, the Warrior
destroyed much of the Iraqi bunker, and proceeded
to attack the unprepared enemy with a barrage of
thunderous clotheslines. He then began recklessly
pressing every man in sight over his head, friend
or foe, before all was left was a trail of broken
bodies.
With this first victory under
his belt, the Master Chief contacted him by two
way radio and asked if he'd like a chopper to
retrieve the ultimate one. Warrior refused, and
instead sprinted to his next location, and his
next, unloading the patented Warrior offense on
all those who had opposed
him.
Day's
3-6
Warrior continued over the
next days, refusing air pick up and instead
running from city to city, destroying all who
dared cross his path, if only to occasionally stop
to briefly discuss the perks of a mutually
rewarding nation-wide flat tax. Because, as
Warrior always says, just because you smite your
enemies with extreme prejudice, doesn't mean you
can't first sell them on responsible fiscal
government.
All in all, Warrior made his
way across the ENTIRE country in SEVERAL DAYS by
FOOT. Eventually Warrior made his way to Baghdad,
but unfortunately for our face-painted hero, The
Iraqi forces were ready for him, and unloaded
heavy artillery at Warrior and apparently mortally
wounded him.
 However, as several of the
soldiers began to add insult to injury by beating
him with sticks and in some cases the butt's of
their rifles, Warrior began to ignore the pain.
Soon he got to his knees and grabbed the bottom
strand of the barbed-wire fence used for a
barricade and began to shake it profusely! This
just made the soldiers more angry and they
increased the ferocity of their attack, but none
of this registered with Warrior, who now
effortlessly shrugged off each blow while grabbing
the second strand of the fence, then finally the
last! Warrior was now a man possessed and began
throwing wild punches and clotheslines,
before grabbing one man by the turban and held him
in place as Warrior himself began to jog on the
spot. The remaining soldiers were so shocked by
Warrior's super human display that they did
nothing to stop him as he launched himself back
first into the fence and propelled himself forward
into a devastating shoulder tackle that caused the
soldier to disappear into the night
sky.
The remainder then
surrendered immediately, to save themselves from a
similar fate, because let's face it, the battle
was over the moment Warrior spotted those ropes.
(Warrior + Ropes= INVINCIBILITY.
Clearly.)
Day 7.
The next day, Warrior
traveled the city, as all those who'd oppose him
bowed at his feet in unconditional surrender. It
was from there he noticed that a large dubious
statue of Saddam Hussein was standing before him,
almost mocking him. He instructed his fellow
allies to destroy the statue as it represented a
bygone regime. When several of the men had
difficulty breaking the structure, Warrior simply
delivered an ominous promo and followed it up with
a disturbing snort as the statue simply tipped
over, buckling to Warrior's ultimate
will.
Warrior would then instruct
those around him to construct a new statue, one
that would stand forever. And although the Qur'an
distinctly spoke out against men who wear make-up,
the Iraqi people couldn't help but be compelled by
this exotic muscleman and constructed the statue
with pride and placed it over the shattered rubble
of the previous structure. Warrior then bellowed
"mote it be!" but no one knew what the hell he was
talking about and just went back to
building....
Warrior then finally declared
victory, as all rejoiced. Children began to gather
around him, in awe of this strange painted man who
single-handedly leveled oppression...all in his
underwear. WARRIAH!
Day 8 &
9.
In celebration of the end of
tyranny, President George Bush himself flew out to
greet The Warrior to pass along his
congratulations. During the entire flight back to
the U.S., when asked about his mission, Warrior
began babbling about "those who believe, and the
skeletons who made the sacrifices" to which Bush
leaned over to Dick Cheney and whispered "Jesus
Christ, this guy's fucking crazier than
Ashcroft!"...
Finally, back in U.S. soil,
Warrior was asked to address the House of
Representatives and make the official announcement
of victory. Warrior then went into a bizarre
tirade, pacing back in forth, before expounding
these words: "GREETINGS AND UNPARALLELED
SALUTATIONS SEEKERS OF HIGHER EDUCATION, THE
WARRIAH HAS COME AMONG YOU TO DISSECT THE
APOCALYPTIC DISSONANCE FOR TRUTH, THE VERY
SYMBIOTIC GRAMMAR WHICH SO BRAGGADOCIOSLY OPPOSES
THE COMPLEX BIORHYTHM OF TENACIOUS DESTRUCITY! AND
MOTE IT BE , THE VERY COMMANDMENTS WHICH OCCUPY
THE MAIRSEDOATES AND DOESYDOATES OF THE HUMAN SOUL
ARE LAY WASTE BEFORE THAT WHICH THE WARRIAH
POSSESSES!...Always
Believe."
As the crowd sat there
stunned, Warrior
suddenly noticed some tobacco lobbyists in
the crowd, and let out a loud grunt before
attacking them, and bellowing for all to hear:
"Be a Survivor ... Donnnnnnn't
Smoke!"...
At that moment, Warrior's
music began mysteriously blaring throughout the
House, and after knocking over the podium and
intensely pacing around the stage, Warrior than
leapt off said stage and sprinted through the sea
of white hair, clotheslining every Democrat in his
path, before stopping to briefly pantomime a
"press to the heavens" motion,
before disappearing out the doors, not
being heard from since.
WARRIAH!
And thus is the
tale of how Warrior single-handedly turned the
tide in the Gulf. Almost one week later, Saddam
Hussein was captured by U.S. forces, after
being driven from the hole he was hiding
in by what is reputedly described as a
"menacing make-up wearing man in his underwear"
(Not Michael Jackson). Pundits have assumed this
man was Warrior, because who else has such an
extensive knowledge of holes and hiding spots so
to make a longwinded nonsensical entrance
while carelessly putting wrestlers lives in
danger? Or something.
The Destrucity carries on
Next month!
Stay
tuned!
WARRIAH.
Sean Carless is a man of many
hats. And he wears those hats to cover an
ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has
also cured
AIDS.
Send Feedback to
Sean
Carless
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