(06/03/07)
Hey there Fuckies,
I'm your venerable host Sean Carless, and this
is One Night Stand. The third, actually. Which normally,
I'd think would make this a "relationship", but
considering what WWE's done to ECW this past year, I'm
opting to rechristen this Pay-per-view "Completely
Loveless Marriage" instead. Makes sense to
me.
First off,
with our regular recapmeister James Walker
apparently disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle, I
somehow hoped for an EARLY FESTIVUS MIRACLE, and
somehow, someway, a completed Rant would end up in my
inbox one way or the other. Unfortunately though, days
have past, no one gives a shit anymore, and my email
inbox is collecting more dust and cobwebs than your
grandparents genitals. In fact, the only thing I've seen
in 4 days is a myriad of promises to enlarge my penis in
3 easy steps. And once they get it down to one,
I'll probably drop them a line. Anyhoo... this takes us
to right now. The One Night Stand Recapitation.
And ultimately, it, like the ugliest stripper in the
club, has somehow unfortunately landed in my lap. And as
such, I shall now "recap" it... despite WWE
hijacking the best
So, anyway, here we are.
And in honor of new ECW, I am vowing to put the
least amount of effort into this Rant possible. And it's
being done entirely as a LESSON to WWE, and not
say, because I had no real notes, no time to
prepare and am completely apathetic. Not
even.
We are LIVE from the
EXTREME capital of the world, Jacksonville Florida! Home
of the most EXTREME fans on the planet... guaranteed to
give to most EXTREME controlled reactions to
EXTREMELY not-terrible match-ups like Mark
Henry vs. Kane, without any EXTREME expectations like
"quality". EC-DUB! EC-DUB!
EC-DUB!
Your hosts are of course
the same 6 schmoes we see every month. Not included
within however is Hugo & Carlos, who were apparently
turfed once this whole Tri-branded business began. And
this was after breaking the fall of every asshole and
his brother for the last 10 years straight, too. Is
there no loyalty? Poor bastards. Maybe someone
finally told them that their headsets haven't been
plugged in for the last decade? I don't know. All I do
know is I picture them walking down the side
of a highway, dejected, holding the top part
of a table as the sad Hulk music plays.
Terrible.
Onto the
show~!
Randy Orton vs. RVD: STRETCHER
MATCH!
As Orton makes his
entrance, we get a video of Orton's recent
concussion inducing hijinx. And thank god he added the
soccer kick to his repertoire is all I can say, because
I doubt the vaunted CHINLOCK would be capable of
such damage. Actually, I take that back. I get a
concussion every time Orton wrestles, because I usually
bang my own head on the table thanks to his completely
tedious pace. I stand
corrected.
Out next comes RVD, showing
no effect of the concussion, but hey, that's to be
expected. You're not exactly talking about a dude
who's not used to walking around in a complete daze with
a glassy look in his eye. The only difference is
Orton's version of that "experience" doesn't
involve Rob first meeting somebody in a
darkened alley out the back of their Volkswagen van.
Glad I could clear that
up.
The match is now underway,
and RVD gets the immediate advantage as he does the
R-V-D gesture, kicking Orton in the head before he gets
the "Dam" in. I so have to try that next time I'm
introducing myself to somebody. Anyway, RVD returns the
concussion favor by kicking Randy Orton in the head
several times, which is great strategy. What's not so
great, is what happens next: going for flippy shit
in a match where the idea is to batter your opponent
into unconsciousness. I'd so love to try and use Rob's
offense in real life fights. "LAY THERE STILL NOW,
SO I CAN ROLL ON TOP OF YOU!" It'd be awesome. Anyway,
Orton eventually gets the advantage after a straight
shot to Rob's head which eventually causes him to lose
his balance and fall off the top rope as he was
attempting the Five-star Frogsplash. And speaking
of which, how awkward does it have to be for the dude
out there with the One Star Frogsplash? He might as well
pack it in.
That
said, Orton then goes to work on Rob's head, as I get
the visual from his point of view that Rob's head
has transformed into a hotel lamp, and
this compels him to smash it. Anyway, Orton tries
to Roll RVD (HIYO) onto the stretcher, but Rob falls
off. RVD eventually rallies briefly, with a kick
(SURPRISE~!), but back inside, Orton catches him with a
great powerslam as RVD went for Rolling
(papers?) Thunder. RVD however rallies one more
time, and knocks Orton to the floor. RVD then goes for a
Suicide Dive...but misses and lands violently on the
stretcher himself. Ouch. Hey, maybe they should
rename it the "Attempted Suicide dive"? I mean, the
motherfucker's still alive right? What kind of message
does this send to the kids? FINISH WHAT YOU START,
MISTER.
Anyhoo, Orton, puts Rob on
the stretcher, and begins to roll him to possibly dump
his lifeless body over the white line (you know,
the same way the U.S. health care system works) but Rob
awakens, kicks Orton, and quickly puts him on the
stretcher and rolls him over the line to win the match!
SWERVE~! That sure showed us Smark fans who
thought that Rob was actually losing his final
match! VINCE SURE STUCK IT TO US... by
actually putting a guy over we all wanted to win. I
feel humbled. Truly.
After the match, Orton
snaps and attacks RVD, laying him out on the "concrete
floor", so sayeth JR, with a sick DDT. It's funny
how concrete looks so much like a big rubber mat to
everyone else. Huh. It's no wonder Tornadoes wreak the
havoc they do in the south. Maybe if they stopped making
house foundations out of this rubber concrete, they
might hold up a little better! [/got nothing]. Oh, ya,
RVD is put on a stretcher, and presumably loaded into
the Cheech and Chong Van with a siren on top. Good bye,
Rob. Thanks for the memories... that thanks to
also following your lifestyle choices, I can no
longer remember for more than a few weeks at a time.
You'll be missed. Wait. what were we talking
about?
Winner: RVD! Who if all
goes well will at least get some medical marijuana out
of this whole "concussion" deal. It's all a clever ruse!
But hey, at least the dude (Duuuuuuuuuuude) is getting a
well deserved vacation. Although, I can't picture Rob
transitioning into normal life very well. I bet
the real-life Mrs. Szatkowski only takes about 15
running monkey flips in the living room before
she INSISTS Rob get his (inordinately sweaty) ass
back to work.
-Backstage, Vince is with
Shane. He has a feeling something really bad is going to
happen tonight. Hey you booked the card! Oh-- he meant,
never mind. He says that he feels he's being eaten up
with a slow cancer. (Vince vs. Cancer at
Wrestlemania 24! Book it! Blood Cell in a Cell! Or
something!). Anyway, I have no idea what this "slow
eating cancer is" but I'm sure HHH and Steph
do. When I heard him say it, I
instantly got the visual of Steph and HHH high
fiving each other, realizing that the Uranium pillow
they bought Vince for Xmas is
finally paying dividends and soon the company
will be ALL THEIRS! Mwhahahaha! You know, before going
bankrupt in under 2
years.
-Hey, look , there's the
*Official* WWE NASCAR! That's just what the business
needs to shake that whole Redneck image! I think. Let me
MULLET over. No, I was
right.
CM Punk , Tommy Dreamer & The
Sandman vs. The New Breed: Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von
& Matt Striker: TABLES
MATCH.
Honestly, I don't know
which team here makes less sense. The Straight-Edge dude
hanging out of with the chain-smoking alcoholic or a
preppy white guy hanging out with two intimidating
bruthas. There's a reason you don't ever see your
Biology teacher rollin' with the Crips or the Bloods.
Just saying. Anyway, speaking of ridiculous, before we
get under way, Joey Styles takes it upon himself to
explain to us how CM Punk joined the New Breed only
to infiltrate their ranks and purposely SABOTAGE
them from within... before re-joining the
Originals. That's a pretty solid plan. Until you
realize that he was only a member of the group for
like one fucking week. Clearly, CM Punk should think
about a job as an undercover cop with his success rate.
It just better not be narcotics division, because I
suspect that cover would be blown in about 5 minutes.
"YOU WANT A REAL ADDICTION? TRY
COMPETITION."
Oh,
just in case you were wondering, this match
only ends when just one member of a team goes
through a table. The match starts off slow, but the
crowd wakes up when Tommy spikes Matt Striker with a
bulldog that he sells with a headstand which was
awesome. Almost as awesome as Joey Styles actually
having the restraint to not tell us that Matt was a
"disgraced New York City School Teacher" for once. His
career cut short for... something? I'm guessing maybe
never wearing pants with his sweater vest. They frown on
teachers practically freeballing it for whatever reason.
Tommy Dreamer and CM Punk then shove each other, and
Dreamer says "GET THE TABLES" as Punk says "Why the
fuck do I have to be D-Von?". Ok, he
didn't say that. But he should have. Maybe Tommy gets to
be Bubba because he seems to have put on about 40 pounds
in one week? Seriously. Tommy has to be wearing the
smallest fucking T-shirt in recorded human history.
He's one step away from being Philip Seymour
Hoffman in Boogie Nights here. HIS BODY IS JUST TOO
EXTREME FOR COMFORTABLY FITTING CLOTHES. Anyway, with
the tables in the ring, Striker almost goes through, but
Burke & Cor Von save him. Sandman, who looks like
he's been locked in a Turkish Bathhouse for 6 weeks
straight, goes up for a the Heinekenrana on Striker
from there, but he gets pushed off to the floor.
Seriously, Sandman looked like shit here. He looks like
he went to the hospital to give blood and the nurse
forgot to ever take the intravenous needle
out. Dear god. Anyway, from there, The Marquis de Cor
Von gives Punk an Alpha Bomb, before going back to
shouldertacking those in 1700's France who don't
appreciate his pornographic sadomasochistic writings.
The New Breed then set up the table, to presumably drive
Punk through it, but Sandman, now weighing 125 pounds,
makes the save by caning Cor Von, while Dreamer actually
PILEDRIVES Burke. Yes, a piledriver. I guess he missed
the memo. Or maybe it's ok to use it when WWE Agents
don't care if you die with it. I don't
know. Punk then puts Striker on the top for a
superplex, and Dreamer puts Burke on the table, and Punk
superplexes Striker through Burke and the table to pick
up the win. PEPSI FOR EVERYONE. Except Sandman. He needs
a blood transfusion. And
stat.
Winners: ECW Kinda/sorta
Originals.
-Backstage, Orton confronts
Edge. Thanks to the Draft, Edge could be NEXT. But hey,
considering Orton's military past, I'd figure he'd go
into hiding again until the draft was over. GET IT? HE
WENT AWOL. Boy am I drunk. Oh, and Orton's match wrapped
up like a half hour ago, why isn't he wearing pants? Who
wanders around aimlessly in their underwear all day?
Besides me?
Matt & Jeff Hardy (C) vs. Bacardi &
Cola (Haas & Benjamin): Ladder Match for World Tag
Team Titles.
YES. This is
actually the match that convinced me to buy
this Pay-per-view in the first place. And by "buy",
I mean, sent in a check that I completely and
totally *accidentally* forgot to sign. That's
right.
Anyway, this is The World's
Greatest Tag Team's big chance to get back on track. And
they better because if WWE hyperbole is to be believed,
they are the GREATEST TAG TEAM IN THE WORLD. A world
that Vince McMahon thinks has no discernable cities in
other countries, hence why every foreign wrestler has no
hometown and simply represents their entire country, but
the World nonetheless. It's not their fault that Vince
McMahon's "World" is just the United States floating in
the middle of a blue ball. What can you
do?
We are now underway,
and the ladder comes into play right away when The
Hardys sandwich both Haas & Benjamin between the
ladder and deliver Poetry in Motion. And much like I did
with Backlash, I
have written a new *really awesome* Haiku
commemorating the
maneuver:
Charlie
Haas is trapped
So is Shelton Benjamin
Here comes
a Hardy
Don't try this at home
kids. Haiku's take YEARS to master.
Anyway, Haas & Benjamin
regain the advantage by sling-shotting Jeff into the
ladder.... The "100 pound" ladder as frequently reported
by one Jerry Lawler. And if that's
indeed true, they really need to sign this guy I
know who works at Home Depot, because I once saw
the dude carry like 4 at once to his truck. Look out
Mark Henry, this guy will be nonsensically tearing
thick books in half for no reason before you know
it.
From there, the Hardys
double team Benjamin and hip toss him onto a ladder, and
then soon after, they launch Haas like a Rocket Launcher
off the top rope stomach first onto the ladder.
Normally, I'd say a rocket Charlie Haas wouldn't do much
damage, but after the way Haas leveled Lillian like
Hiroshima last year, I'm not so sure. Soon
after, The Hardys break out the BIG LADDERS. YES.
Now Charlie can actually climb up and change the arena
lights instead of just counting them after EVERY match
the poor guy is ever in. And speaking of Haas, the
Hardys wedge the ladder between the apron and the
barricade then suplex Haas belly first onto the ladder.
He sells like his life depends on it. Or maybe his job.
It's just then I picture Stephanie & Johnny Ace
pointing and making the throat slash gesture behind the
curtain as Ace holds a lighter under his contract.
Maybe I need to stop thinking about these
things....
Craziest spot of the match
happens next when Benjamin gets back body dropped from
the ring onto the propped up a ladder and just bounces
off like ping pong ball. A game of ping pong with
athletic black men instead of balls, that is. This is
usually played right after Larry Zybysko's game of human
chess, I heard. Anyway, Jeff places Shelton on the
propped up ladder, and looks to go up top to
potentially drive him through it, but here comes Charlie
with a Super German (not this) off the top! Matt
back in, side-effect on Haas, and Jeff eats a T-Bone via
Shelton Benjamin. Some people call it an Exploder, but
until I see all of Jeff's limbs fly off in opposite
directions at once, I'm sticking with T-Bone, baby,
on principle alone.
The WGTT regain the
advantage soon after, and they create a new ladder prop
on the floor where one ladder is propped on a ladder
that is wedged between the rungs. Haas then grabs Matt
and puts him stomach first on the elevated ladder and
Shelton jumps over the top for their leap frog
dealy. Worst teeter-totter EVER. I have a feeling
Shelton is not welcome at
children's playgrounds anymore. Not to be confused
with the DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND~!... or "steel cage" to
people who are not insane or Michael Cole. Haas
tries to grab the belts from there, but here's Jeff, who
superplexes Charlie off the top. SUPER-DUPER PLEX.
[/Canadian Bacon]. From there, Matt sets up another
ladder and climbs it, and Shelton attempts his
patented crazy assed Spiderman springboard, but
trips up on the top rope, but somehow manages to
still kick the ladder and knock Matt off. And with one
adjustment, 12,000 dudes wanting to yell 'you fucked up'
get cock-blocked. Haha. Shelton then tries to climb up,
but Matt dumps him off and he spills into the ropes.
Matt then strangely sets up two ladders instead of just
one, as if this match is nothing more than a
choreographed stunt show or something! Ahem. All kidding
aside, it's funny how certain things in wrestling are so
cliché now that no one even bothers to question it
anymore. You know, stuff like setting up elaborate
ladder configurations rather than just grabbing
the fucking belts. And oh, stuff like the Van Daminator.
"Sure, I'll catch this steel chair RVD just threw to me.
What's the worst that could happen?
BLARGGGHH..."
That said, both Matt and
Shelton begin climbing the ladder, as does Jeff &
Haas, and both teams fight on top. From there, Shelton
takes a NASTY spill out and over and pretty
much through the ladder still propped outside. Back
in the ring, Jeff hits a Swanton on Haas, and Matt
climbs up and grabs the belts to retain the
titles!
Winners & STILL
Champions: The "Hardys"... and not Hardy Boys.
Silly, everybody knows you have to be well over fifty in
this company to still have a moniker with the word 'boy'
in it.
-Backstage, The Great Khali
and his translator Arab Bischoff are standing by for an
interview. Khali says that he can beat Cena ANYWHERE. On
a boat? Check. With a goat? You better believe it. In a
house? Definitely. With a mouse? No doubt. Here or
there?For sure. Anywhere? Absolutely. Good
stuff. I'm just sad that Khali didn't have his
translator say "You want some, come get some" again, if
only because I find it hilarious that there is in fact a
Hindi translation for fucking street
slang.
Mark Henry vs. Kane : LUMBERJACK
MATCH.
No truth to the rumors that
Henry only agreed to this match because he thought he'd
get the world famous Lumberjack breakfast out of it
first. Seriously though, whose bright idea was this
match? Ya, let's have a match where Mark Henry is forced
to actually STAY IN A RING AND WRESTLE. I think
secretly, we the viewing audience were booked in an I
quit match. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to
throw in my fucking towel in. Dear god.
Anyway, the irony of this match is that apparently
this slot was originally going to go with Benoit vs.
MVP, but someone thought Mark Henry vs. Kane would be a
BETTER IDEA. Man. That's like having a dinner party
where you plan to serve steak, then instead decide it'd
be better if you just took a shit on a plate and served
that instead. And hey, I know, at this point Benoit has
wrestled MVP so many times that he's probably spent more
time mounting him than his wife Nancy, but I'm not lying
when I say I'd rather watch Benoit vs. MVP looping
FOREVER then watch Mark Henry wrestle. As a matter of
fact, I'd rather be shot point blank in the face with a
bullet filled with AIDS then watch Mark Henry
wrestle.
That said, this is a
Lumberjack match, so here comes the Lumberjacks!
Featuring the likes of Carlito, Kenny Dykstra, Balls
Mahoney, Stevie Richards(~!) Intercontinental Champion,
Santino "I just moved to New Jersey from Italy, so I'll
probably be jointing bodies in Satriale's
basement by month's end" Marella and CHRIS BENOIT.
Yes, Chris Benoit. Poor bastard. This is probably what
his own personal Hell would be like if he led a
life of indulgences. Give your heart to Jesus, Chris!
It's not too late!
Anyway, we're underway, and
you know what? I'm not recapping this. I'll just sum it
up. Muscles bulged. Fat guys didn't budge. Then they
did. No one fucked with Kane. Then they did. Mark Henry
put Kane in a bear hug, then Kane escaped. Then he
didn't. The ref stopped the match. I decided to put off
suicide. It was a wondrous
moment.
Winner: Mark Henry, the man
Michael Cole stated insists on now being called "The
Silverback". Ya, HE insisted on that. WWE: MAKING
BLATANT RACISM SOMEWHAT LESS AWKWARD FOR OVER
30 YEARS. But hey, at least when they inevitably
move the fat bastard over to RAW to battle The
Marine John Cena, I can use the pun "GORILLA
WARFARE~!" and not feel too shitty about it.
Clearly.
/5
-After the match, Kane
sells the pain of wrestling Mark Henry, which I'm sure
is almost equal to that of us who just had to watch it.
Oh, and JBL puts over Mark Henry and his bearhug, and
compares him to Bruno Sammartino. Yes really. I can
see it. He IS just like Bruno Sammartino. A
big, fat ,black talentless immobile Bruno
Sammartino. It's so obvious. I don't know why I never
saw it before...
-Backstage, Haas &
Benjamin & The Hardys are being treated for
injuries, and argue with one another. Rocky 2 this was
not. Shelton states that it was not really an athletic
contest unlike the NCAA. I beg to differ. I'd like to
see those guys climb a ladder in slow motion as if
they're bogged down with 300 pound sand bags instead of
just grabbing a fucking belt that's like just 7
feet away. Wait. What were we talking about
again?
-Video package for Bobby
Lashley vs. Vince McMahon. A haircut gone awry. Clearly,
if you're Supercuts, and you see Vince coming towards
your store, it's best you just throw that closed sign in
the window. Lest you be killed by a 400 pound savage who
can afford 2 grand worth of gold in his teeth, but not
shoes.
Vince McMahon w/ Shane and UUUUMMMMAGGGA (C)
vs. Bobby Lashley w/o charisma: STREET FIGHT for ECW
World Title.
Hey, when was the last time
you saw a street fight where a giant scary black
guy in his underwear chased somebody? That's more like
Prison. Anyway, Lashley starts things by attempting to
plancha Umaga, but he catches his foot on the top rope
and almost kills himself. Ah, at least the guy's heart
is in the right place. It's the size of a nickel
probably, but it's in the right place. Anyway, Lashley
recovers, comes in and press slams Shane. He's
DOMINATING. He calls his finisher the DOMINATOR. All's
that left for him to complete the Domination hat-trick
is to put on a latex rubber suit and drip hot wax
on Vince's balls while digging his high heels into his
back. Dear god in heaven, Bobby Lashley as a Dominatrix
is the fucking scariest thing EVER. Anyway, Dominatrix
Lashley tries to powerslam Vince, but here comes Umaga
and the world's most dangerous tiny limb...the
THUMB. It's true, and if you ever go to Samoa, you might
want to think twice about picking up a hitch hiker. It
can only end in tragedy for you. Anyway, Vince, Shane
& Umaga all take turns beating on Lashley, all
culminating with a spear by Vince onto Lashley. But
Lashley kicks out. LASHLEY DEFIES ODDS. Man, I gotta
somehow kidnap this guy and bring his big ass to Vegas
and get him to spin the Roulette wheel. I'll be a
millionaire by night's end. Anyway, Vince and Shane hold
Lashley down as Umaga goes for a splash, but Bobby sits
up, and Vince gets squashed instead. Lashley then
disposes of Shane & Umaga, and grabs a chair and
brains Vince with it. Normally, I'd make an
unfunny pun on 'chairman of the board' but oh fuck
I just did. Lashley then hits the running powerslam but
Umaga makes the save. He then destroys Lashley and puts
him on the ECW announce table, where Shane does a
huge flying elbow that puts Bobby through the table.
Just then I get the visual of Hugo and Carlos laughing
and giving each other a high five, right before
accidentally tripping and falling through their own
furniture anyway.
Yup.
Umaga wakes up Vince from
there and they roll Lashley back into the ring
where Vince covers for 2. They then look to set up the
Shane-Terminator, after the Umaga ass o'doom in the
corner to Lashley, but Lashley somehow pulls Umaga in
front and he eats it instead. Lashley then chucks the
spear (Tm. Joe Merrick) on Shane, and then
gives one to Vince as well, before
pinning Vince to regain the World title. Yes! The
honor of ECW has finally been restored! Haha, even I
can't say that with a straight
face.
Winner & *NEW*
Champion: Bobby Lashley! And by my count I've now spent
120 dollars on seeing some variation of this match. Oh
my god. Maybe I should just sew a bull's-eye on the
crotch of my pants. It'll at least make it easier for
all the impending
kicks.
/5
-After the match, Lashley
spears Vince again. How SOFT SPOKEN
and HARD-HITTING of him. And hey, has there ever
been a worse catchphrase than that? Let's
try!: BADDEST MAN ON THE PLANET.... CANNOT MAINTAIN
AN ERECTION. TOTAL BAD ASS....SUFFERS FROM
IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME. COMPLETELY UNSTOPPABLE.... HAS
A LAUGHABLY SMALL PENIS. There we go. Don't say I
never did anything for you.
-Backstage, Maria admires
Santino Marella's accent. Be careful, Maria. Don't get
too close. One wrong move and you'll find
yourself on a drive to the country with Silvio
Dante. It gets a little worse from there. Anyway, Tard
Grisham, interrupts to ask Maria her opinion on the
pudding match, because lord knows she'd have the insight
here? and she switches over to being brilliant and
explains the scientific ramifications of pudding. Just
then, Candice comes in and asks for a kiss for good
luck, so Maria gives it to her. LEZ BE FRIENDS. Cue Ron
Simmons.
Candice Michelle vs. Melina : Non-Title PUDDING
MATCH.
Just so you know, this is a
NON-title match, because two women wrestling for a
championship in 2000 pounds of pudding would be absurd.
Clearly. Anyway, I hate to say it, but this one wasn't
the catch-as-catch-can classic you'd expect from two
half naked women swimming in a pool full
of chocolate. They have a LONG WAY to go before
they can even think of matching the war that
was Stanislaus Zbyszko vs. Ed "Strangler" Lewis in
a children's swimming pool full of pork and beans
in the late 20's. A LONG way. Anyway, to bottom-line
this CLASSIC, Candice ends up winning after Melina
submits rather than be drowned in pudding. I heard
that's how Lou Thesz lost his first
Title.
Winner: Candice Michelle. A
woman dripping
wet covered with a brown
liquid substance. Rumor has it, if Randy Orton had
his way, every day would end like
this.
/5
- After the match, Maria
comes out to interview Candice, but gets tossed into the
pudding. The Referee eventually follows suit. Oh WWE. Do
the laughs ever
start?
Edge (C) vs. Batista: STEEL
CAGE For World Heavyweight
Title.
Ah yes, finally, the battle
between a dude who walks a mile through a pit of danger,
and another who once put his dick in one. Yup. I'm still
beating that horse.
Anyway, answer me this: Why
is Batista even getting another World Title shot?
He's lost like every single title match he's been
involved in for like 4 months straight. Dear god,
Batista is slowly but surely becoming wrestling's answer
to those douchebegs who play against the Harlem
Globetrotters every game. That said, this is a cage
match. And features a dude who calls himself an Animal,
so expect Cole to explode into a myriad of really clever
parables of how you should never cage an Animal....
while of course comparing the structure itself to meat
eating animals. Unlike JR, who'd just think of ways to
tie Satan into its origin. SATAN'S SPA OF PAIN AND
SUFFERING~! Stay away from the facials. I heard they
feel like burning!
Anyway, we're underway, and
Edge is trying to escape, (or WINNING THE
MATCH) which disgusts Michael Cole to his very
annoying core. Fucking Cole. He'd probably be pissed off
that a guy is riding his bicycle really fast in the Tour
de France. NOT THIS
WAY~!
So, that said, Edge
continues to fight to escape but Batista keeps stopping
him. Edge eventually gains the advantage, as JBL informs
us that Edge smells like smoke because he's been through
fire. Unlike Rob Van Dam who smells like smoke because,
well you know how this sentence ends (I might as well
get all my Rob stuff in now. *Sniffle*). Edge
then works over Batista for a while, but Big Dave
rallies, and delivers a superplex that gets two.
Hey, remember when Superplexes actually finished
people? And DDT's? Nowadays guys get knocked out by
dancing karate chops and dudes pumping up their
shoes. What's wrong with this picture? Anyway, Batista
looks to climb out soon after but changes his mind, so
Edge tries the spear, or as I christened it many years
ago the FLYING HUG, but Batista doesn't feel like
cuddling and just shoulderblocks Edge instead. He then
hits the blackhole of workrate slam. Soon after, he
tosses Edge into the cage, then charges Edge in the
corner, but he moves and Batista hits the exposed
turnbuckle. ANIMAL CRUELTY~! He'll definitely be hearing
from PETAB there (People for the Ethical Treatment of
The Animal Batista). Edge then hits the
flying hug but that only gets two. It's just then I get
the visual of Copeland family get togethers being
absolutely terrifying come time to say your goodbyes.
Don't look now, but there's Grandma Edge in the corner
of the room menacingly dragging her feet
and hopping up and down. I think we all know what
happens next. Anyway, from there, Edge tries to escape
but gets tossed by Batista. Batista now tries for the
Batista bomb but Edge scoots out and makes a leaping run
for the cage, which prompts Cole to compare him to
Spider-man. Well, I guess they both fucked irritating
red heads. Only difference is, Edge only feels tingling
when he urinates, and not from any
discernable "Spider-sense". Close enough. Edge
then gets pulled back inside, but hits Batista with
three low blows, which surprisingly the big man sells...
you know, despite having testicles the size of sun-dried
raisins in real life. Edge then climbs up and over, as
Dave goes for the door, but he gets his foot caught or
something and can't escape so Edge hits first and
retains. A farmer then comes by and puts Batista down.
Hey, that's what usually happens when Animals outlive
their usefulness,
right?
Winner and STILL Champion:
Edge, the Rated R Superstar! Not to be confused with
Jerry Lawler whom I heard is the Rated PG-13 Superstar.
But only because that's where he goes to pick up the
umm, "ladies". Maybe I just wanted to make
that joke. Probably.
-Promo for Summer Slam
airs. The Biggest Party of the Summer! Huh, I guess my
invitation got lost in the mail or
something....
-Build up for John Cena/
Great Khali. Featuring the really controversial way Cena
completely cleanly beat Khali by submission. But hey,
you're not supposed to remember it that way.
Just file it in the Wrestling X-Files between
the briefcase at King of the Ring 1999 and Booker T's "I
know what you did" letter in 2003, and be done with it.
Trust me. It's for the
best.
John Cena (C) w/ hustling loyalty &
respect vs. Great Khali w/ plodding, murdering and
gibberish: WWE Championship match: FALLS COUNT
ANYWHERE.
Hey, am I the only one
would who'd like to see Khali adapt a faux rapper
gimmick to stick it to Cena? Khali G, maybe? Tell
me you wouldn't mark out for it. KHALI G INDAHOUSE!
INDIA-HOUSE? I don't know. Anyway, this is the
third time these two men have wrestled, or as I like to
call it, Match 3 in the worst of everything series. Ah,
I kid. Cena's improved tremendously, and has actually
carried Khali to some surprisingly passable
matches. Cena's actually turning into not a bad Ring
General, which clearly adds
another rank to his fake military career! It
just makes sense.
Anyway, we're
underway here, and Khali dominates early, trying to
erase all memories of the Pun-JOB he did at
Judgment Day from all our minds. It's just a shame I
couldn't purge all of Khali's matches from my
mind. Where's one of those flashing memory
eraser things from
Men in Black when you need one? Oh ya, the match. Khali
controls the pace, which is apparently set to quicksand,
with kicks, clotheslines, chops and boots, and Cena is
VICTIMIZED by this baffling array of offense not seen
anywhere since the last guy who had no business
being anywhere near a ring. Anyway, it's at this
point, I realize that even when I fast forward this
match, Khali is STILL moving like fucking molasses.
From there, out of morbid curiosity, I decide to
put my DVR on frame by frame, and as a result, I
actually travel back in time! Dinosaurs die. Man climbs
out of the primordial ooze, creates fire, says his first
word... and Khali is still wrestling in slow motion.
Dear lord. Finally, Cena (thankfully) rallies, and
hits a throwback after Khali misses a leg, umm, flop,
but goes up stairs but is caught with a BRAIN CHOP.
Which is DEVASTATING to everyone on Earth, except
strangely the WWE Creative team who just shrug their
shoulders after taking one, before
ultimately going right back to writing
hilarious television. Anyway, Khali goes for the one
foot pin on the floor, but Cena kicks out at 2, because
a hand, once described by JR as being the size of, and I
quote "an animal" is not enough to put Cena down.
Fucking JR. Everything is cooking utensils and farm
animals with this guy. "Stay away from this Giant,
King! His feet are like Sides of Beef, and his
hands are like frying pans, and together in unison they
cook up a mighty delicious Supper!" From
there, Khali then throws Cena over the barricade,
and the two brawl into the crowd. Normally, I'd say I
fear for the safety of people out there with Khali, but
he'd actually have to make fucking contact to kill
somebody. Did I mention his spinkick missed by like
12 inches? "By Gawd, King, the sheer centrifugal
force behind his giant boot caused Cena to
collapse~!". Cena eventually regains the advantage
again by clobbering Khali with a monitor and
then the camera boom. This only gets two, as Khali
and his Punjabi Pajamas kick out. Cena then tries for
the FU but Khali says "I don't think so!" (it
only sounded like "Garbblle Hrmmmphhhh!!!" to us) and
elbows out before pressing Cena onto a crane. With both
men standing on the crane, Khali goes for the Tree slam,
but Cena goes to the eyes, and manages to get the big
man up for an FU, and drops him off the crane and
straight to the concrete... that strangely shatters like
a stuffed stage. It's a *new* kind of concrete~! Oh ya,
Cena pins Khali. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, SOLDIER. RETURN
TO BASE (BASS? FUNKY, FUNKY
BASS?)
Winner and *STILL* WWE
Champion, and still overcomin' those odds yo, John Cena.
But hey, I'd think at this point, the odds would be on
him since a 75 year old Nun
probably spends more time on their backs than
this guy.
FINAL THOUGHTS: If you're having
sex with a prostitute, say "Thank you" when you're
finished. Whores are people
too.
Not a bad show here
overall. Nothing to really write home about,
however. But hey, I don't think my family would
appreciate me writing to them about
fucking Mark Henry and Great Khali anyway, so no
harm, no foul. Seriously though, the Ladder match
delivered. Cena worked a miracle, Edge and Batista was
decent, and Lashley & Vince was...umm, finished at
least. It's just a shame they couldn't somehow combine
the Mark Henry/ pudding match into one disgusting
spectacle. Although, I guess they didn't want to risk
Candice and Melina being accidentally devoured when
Mizark inevitably turned the pool sideways a drank all
the chocolate. Smart thinking there. So
ya, thumbs of uppery ( in a tribute RVD
pose in honor of his last match) here. And
hey, here's to a WCW Reunion Pay-per-view! "WWE: Slipped
a Roophie in your drink and fucked you while you were
sleeping". It could be AWESOME. MAKE IT HAPPEN,
WWE.
Send Feedback to Sean
Carless
Sean
Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats
to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411
Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com,
Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also
cured
AIDS.
/5