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NXT Rant 3/09

 

I’m assuming you all saw the new Monday Night War (*snicker*) last night. Best not spoken of. RAW and TNA continue their attempts to outsuck one another, while Smackdown is quietly pumping out *** matches week after week. There clearly is no justice in the universe. But you’re not here to listen to me rant and rave. You’re here for a recap of a wrestling c-show.

 

We begin with R-Truth and a guy I am beginning to suspect was hired solely for his look, David Otunga. They’re facing…Daniel Bryan and The Miz.

 

Team “Black Attack” vs. Team “There are no Good nicknames for Daniel Brian and The Miz.”

 

 Before we get started, The Miz gets on the mic and says Brian is 0 and 2. Therefore, if Brian is pinned tonight, The Miz will have him thrown off NXT. ... I thought this was done by vote. Brian again offers the ROHandshake, but R-Truth does that bizarre Boogeyman-style dance as a response. They do some standard chain wrestling, leapfrogs and the like, before R-Truth tags in Otunga. Remember that conflict last week? Apparently it never happened. Otunga throws Brian out of the ring, and Truth throws the Miz out. Otunga whips Truth into the ropes and he hits a senton on both Brian and Miz.

 

We go to break, and when we get back, Brian has Truth in a dragon sleeper. He escapes, but Brian immediately slaps on the camel clutch. R-Truth gets out of that one too, but Brian knocks him over with a knee to the stomach. He tags in The Miz, who incoherently yells at Brian for a few seconds before going for Truth in the corner. R-Truth moves and Miz collides with the turnbuckle. The tag is made, and Otunga hits the Miz with a series of clotheslines and a powerslam. He goes for the pin, but Brian breaks it up with a stomp, which Otunga no-sells for several seconds before realizing he’s in a wrestling match and getting off the Miz. Daniel gets the blind tag and hits a missile dropkick and a barrage of corner kicks. Otunga charges at him, but Brian goes through his legs and locks in the heel hook. Otunga is about to tap, when Miz tags himself in.  He and Brian get in a shoving match, and when the referee admonishes Brian, Truth goes into the ring and hit the Lie Detector on Miz. Otunga hits his shitty Uranage and it’s over.

 

Winners: R-Truth and David Otunga

 

Further Notes: How long has Otunga been wrestling? He looks lost in there all the time. His wikipedia page says 2 years.

 

After the match, Miz yells at Brian how he’ll have him thrown off the show. Brian moves as if he’s going to punch Miz, who flinches. Great. What’s next, a titty twister?

 

We now have Heath “Fetal Alcohol Syndrome” Slater here to recap Carlito spitting apples in his face. He says he wants to throw a baseball at Carlito or something like that; I was distracted by his Chiclet teeth. He then says tonight, he’s going to rock Carlito’s world. No, of course I’m not making that last bit up.

           

Matt Striker interviews the Miz about his loss just now, when Daniel Brian suddenly appears beside him. Brian says every tag team partner Miz ever had (two)

carried him. Miz splutters a few indignant comments before Brian storms off.

 

We get a package for Justin Gabriel. I was wrong; his English is just fine, he just has a super-thick accent. He says his father was also a wrestler back in South Africa, and that his style mixes European holds with Japanese strikes. We then get Gabriel being pep-talked by Fatt Hardy backstage. Apparently, Gabriel will face Wade Barrett tonight. As he says that, Barrett and Chris Jericho walk in. Jericho tells Gabriel he’s got no chance, and Barrett adds that he beat Daniel Brian last week in three minutes. Fatt mocks Jericho’s “do you understand what I am saying to you right now?” That segment was all over the place.

 

Our next match is the Carlito vs. Heath Slater match. Michael Tarver is wearing a very marketable shirt that says “1.9” on it in big, bold letters. Cole says Carlito spitting in Heath Slater’s face was an honor. Myself, Josh, and all of the two dozen other people watching this program all say “What?” simultaneously

 

Carlito with Michael Tarver vs. Heath Slater with Christian

 

Carlito immediately tries to spit apple in Slater’s face, but he ducked. They trade a couple punches before we go to break.

 

When we get back, Carlito is working the arm, and Josh still hasn’t got over Cole’s inane comment from earlier. Slater manages to escape, but Carlito hits him with the big boot. Slater then tries a victory roll, but Carlito turns it into a surfboard. Slater manages to hit clotheslines and a flapjack. Carlito counters with the Spinebuster. He goes to get his apple, but Christian has stolen it. Slater rolls him up for 2, then again for 3.

 

Winner: Heath Slater

           

Further Notes: This match was pretty boring, actually. It was short enough to be watchable. So far, Slater hasn’t impressed at all. But less Slater. More Cole. The man has gone so far off the deep end, he has scientifically proven the Earth is flat.

           

We now get a Darren Young package, who basically goes back and forth from saying all he wants to do is have fun and how determined he is to win. We then get CM Punk ignoring Young, who is standing right behind him, as he talks to Serena and Gallows about straight-edgifying Darren. Eventually, Punk acknowledges his presence, restating what he said before, and leaving.

           

We get a Wrestlemania rundown after the break. On Smackdown, we’re getting the Return of The Highlight Reel. Didn’t Jericho make a big fuss when he turned heel over how he’ll never do another one of these?

           

Next week Stone Cold is hosting RAW, despite saying he wanted to stop being known as a wrestler. Has WWE forsaken continuity in their excitement for Wrestlemania?

           

Jericho and Barrett come out first, followed by Hardy and Gabriel. Gabriel comes out wearing a Fatt Hardy shirt, significantly less gay than the one-piece with built-in loincloth.

 

Wade Barrett with Chris Jericho vs. Justin Gabriel with Matt Hardy

           

This match starts precisely how you’d expect, including Chris Jericho randomly screaming at the commentators. Barrett also cheats a bit, using the ropes to choke Gabriel. The crowd starts chanting “USA!” which is bizarre, as neither guys are Americans. Cole goes off on another tangent explaining the significance of the color of the roses on Barrett’s jacket, which I’m sure is fascinating to all you English botanists watching WWE NXT. Barrett hits a backbreaker then a bodyslam. He sets Gabriel up for a superplex, but Gabriel throws him off and hits the 450 splash for the win.

 

Winner: Justin Gabriel

           

Further Notes: Justin Gabriel continues to impress, as he did what Daniel Brian could not, and that’s make Wade Barrett look good. Maybe a little too good, because barring the ending, this could have easily been a squash match.

           

After the match, Chris Jericho throws Fatt Hardy out of the ring and hits a Codebreaker on Gabriel, then puts him into a Liontamer. Why does Jericho use the Liontamer exclusively on NXT now? Is he stiffing the rookies on purpose?

           

 Final Thoughts: Not a half-bad show this week. All the matches had value, and I’m liking Justin Gabriel more and more with each passing week. But Heath Slater is a different story…

           

Show MVP: Gotta go with Gabriel. I’ve gushed about him enough, but for a rookie, he always knows where he is in the ring, which is more than we can say for his mentor.

           

Show LVP: MICHAEL. GODDAMN. COLE. The man quietly went insane when nobody was looking, and he’s trying to take us all down with him.  with him. 
           

Thanks for reading. I got only one piece of hatemail, which is not nearly enough, so send me feedback at alexoblivion94@gmail.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).