Hello everyone, I’m Sean Carless, and this the report for No Way
Out; originally rumored to be called “No Way Should You Shell Out $35 For This Shit.” They ultimately
decided to stick with the first choice. Go figure.
Anyway, tonight’s show
comes to us fromPittsburgh, land of
steel and other things I've never bothered to look up or
care about. This is also Kurt Angle’s hometown, and part
of me secretly wonders if Angle will come out and accept
his own
hometown challenge. That part of me is quite drunk and
stoned though, so don’t listen to him.
© The Bashams vs. Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio; WWE Tag Team Championship
match;
The Bashams have “SOD” written on the front of their tights, and
Michael Cole explains to us that this means “Secretaries of Defense” and not the short form for "sodomy" as I
had thought. (Hey, JBL is their boss, so who knows?). Anyway, very solid match, but no real spark between these two teams
in my opinion. Fun fact: The Bashams wrestled for the Tag Titles last year at No Way Out, while still under the guidance
of a dominating sexual abuser: (Shaniqua.) Good thing they don’t associate with anyone like that anymore! *Ahem*.
One funny spot sees Eddie tie together two tag ropes, giving him about a six
foot reach..... or three full Rey Mysterios. The Referee however is not impressed.
In any
event, Rey is your tiny luchador in peril here, and
eventually he ducks and dodges both Bashams and rolls to
the corner where he makes the caliente tag to
Eddie. Eddie takes it to the Bashams and gets a nearfall
with a Mysterio assist. Eddie then scoots out to the
floor and retrieves a Tag team title belt. Rey stops him
however fearing a DQ and because HE'S A GOOD
PERSON. Anyway, in all this confusion, the Bashams
do the old switcheroo. Hey, just like the Killer
Bees! Only, you know, discounting the fact
that people actually cared about the Killer
Bees. Other than that, reaction, charisma and interest,
they're like totally identical, though. Trust me.
Anyway, Eddie, however, sees
the switch, and does a forward roll off the frog splash
attempt... but feigns being unconscious, as the
fallen Basham gets up thinking Eddie had knocked himself
out from the miffed splash. Oh, that Eddie. What
nonsensical Amphibian offense will he pull out next.
Eddie then grabs a really close near-fall off a
quick cradle. From there, Danny Basham throws the
Tag Title to Eddie, in an attempt to "frame him",
but Eddie just as suddenly hot potatoes it to
Doug Basham, who then has it confiscated by the
Referee. In the confusion, Rey slides the other belt to
Eddie, who then clocks Doug and gets the pin- and
the titles. Ah, Rey-Rey is a BAD
PERSON after all. And here he was, up until
tonight, single-handedly shattering all the myths
of mask wearing people being horrible people. I don't
know, maybe if the rest of the guys who skulk
around wearing masks and JUMPING OUT THE SKY..err
bushes, had REALLY AWESOME LUCHA OFFENSE instead of
just carrying Rophenol and some duct tape, they too
would be more appreciated.
Maybe.
Winners and new champions: Rey Mysterio, Eddie Guerrero and Lying, Cheating and Stealing!
The latter of which was probably the last remaining shreds of charisma in the Bashams. Hey, just saying.
/5
-Sideshow Carlito is backstage and
taunts G.M. Teddy Long by introducing him to "the wife"
of one of the board of directors. OH NO. Not the woman
who washes his pants! Seriously, what power would this
bitch have? I dated a girl who was manager of a
McDonalds once. Does this mean I can go in and fucking
chastise the douchebag mopping the floor? Which I do
anyway, sure, because he's going nowhere in life. That's right. No. I can't. Or something.
Anyway,
she puts over the previous match and speaks her piece with the poise and grace of a person who has no business ever being in this industry.
Hey, quick, hire this woman for the creative team! I heard that's their main criteria. After she bolts, Carlito says
that the WWE Board of Directors have been speaking, and Long’s future may hinge on whether he can sign Batista or
not for Smackdown. But hey, why the fuck would they care? It’s the WWE board
of directors; don’t they govern both shows? Why would
they care what fucking show DAVE is on? Why am I asking questions
when there's no one here? And why am I so desperately lonely?
-Torrie Wilson comes
out to the ring next, along with the woman who
married, then murdered her father by sexually pleasuring
him to death, Dawn Marie. We all should hope for the
same fate. The two then introduce the participants for
the “Rookie Diva Contest”... and BOY are there A LOT of
big fake titties in this ring right now! It’s no wonder
they call this the Mellon
Arena!
…OK,
OK, I know it’s spelled differently, but I really wanted to make that joke, so sue me.
Anyway, the four
contestants are “Rochelle” “Lauren”, Michelle McCool and
Joy…who according to a screen, lists her "credentials"
as being a “Special Friend to Big Show.” How is
that a skill? Actually, I take it back. If she can have
sex with a Giant and not have her bottom half explode
upon climax, then that really is a skill that should be
commended. I appreciate a woman whose nether-regions can
absord the impact of a gusher the likes of
which could not been fathomed unless Hoover
Dam breaks. Anyway, the four prance around the ring
for a minute for the benefit of the men, then leave
relatively quickly without talking. If only more women
could follow their example. If
only.
-Pulp Fiction vignette with Eddie Guerrero
and Booker T. airs again. Personally, I think they could further the skit by having the Marcellus Wallace rape scene featuring
JBL's cabinet. Hell, one of the Bashams could play the Gimp. After all, they did used to wear those masks last year!
Booker T. w/ petty criminal record vs. HEIDENREICH w/ WAR criminal record?
Booker: “I like your poetry.”
Heidenreich: “I like the way you rob Wendy’s.” Am
the only one who’d mark out for this exchange? Umm, probably. Anyway, the whole scuttlebutt on the net lately
is that Heidy’s original gimmick was to be a “Frozen Nazi”. Makes sense to me. Although,
one would have to wonder what Hitler had in mind with Heidenreich here. Freeze him for 60 years (bar a brief thaw-out so the
big man could pencil in a couple of seasons with the Saints) then release him from captivity... so he could destroy
the western world through absolutely terrible wrestling? It's no wonder that motherfucker lost the war.
Heidenreich doesn't really seem to get out of the blocks (bunker?) here, and
seems kind of lethargic. Of course, you'd be a little plodding too if you just spent the better part of the last century in
a Cryogenic chamber, so I guess I'll cut him a break. Anyway, finish sees Heidenreich snap and get himself disqualified
for hitting Book with a chair in the shoulder. Money well spent.
Winner: Booker by disqualification. Loser: Me, for paying for this
match... and not just because I'm an anti-social nerd. Despite what you may have heard....
/5
-The babyface locker room celebrates Eddie & Rey’s big win when
John Cena enters. Eddie asks for a minute alone with John and gives him a great pep talk about not quitting tonight no matter
how much pain he might be in. Maybe Eddie should re-direct this pep talk to me. After that last fucking match, I'm ready to
tap out.
6 way elimination gauntlet
for the Cruiserweight Title featuring © Funaki, Akio, Paul London, Shannon Moore, Spike Dudley & Chavo Guerrero;
First off, Paul London runs
to the ring looking like a 3 year old kid who dresses himself and wears every article of clothing he owns. The fur coat was
nice touch though. However, I'd be on the lookout for PETA though, my friend. They're not above throwing red paint on that
coat, which of course completely stops "the manufacturing of fur", and certainly doesn't increase demand because
you now have to replace your ruined coat. It's a brilliant ploy.
Definitely.
ANYWAY…
London
starts things out with Funaki, who is of course your current champion. Lucky him. The first match he wins in 6 fucking years,
and it's for the title. After
a few short minutes of action, Spike Dudley sneaks in and gets a cheap shot on Funaki, and
London
rolls him up from behind to eliminate him. THE BOYHOOD DREAM HAS ENDED. I actually
have no idea if that was Funaki's boyhood dream or not (mine was getting laid) but I believe a historic two month Title
reign like that deserves the ultimate in wrestling hyperbole.
Spike immediately jumps in next, and I must say again, his goatee has
reached even beyond Jim Neidhart proportions now. I say shave it off before the urge to spontaneously rob your neighbor
of their jewelry kicks in. Trust me. Anyway, Funaki returns the favor to Spike, and slides back in and superkicks him,
allowing London to eliminate him as well.
Shannon Moore jumps in next, sporting a Red Rooster look…well, if Terry
Taylor was put in the washer on the cold cycle. Great little exchange between London and Moore, who is apparently now known
as the “Prince of Punk”... despite the fact he was probably not even born when the movement was popular. Anyway,
London eventually eliminates him with the "London Calling" 450 splash, which is ironic because 1979 London is about last
time anybody had Shannon's fucking haircut.
In next is Akio, who immediately takes it to London. Apparently, much like
so many others before him, Akio travels throughout life with no discernable last name, in addition to crying to
anyone who'll listen how he's "really Korean" and not Japanese. Bah. All you cruiserweights look the same to me!
Anyhoo, the two have some pretty cool exchanges as well, but this crowd is just dead,
which sucks for these guys. At one point, the two men each climb up on the top rope, and London hits a HUGE swinging neckbreaker
off the top! The referee gives the mandatory count while both men are down. London is up at nine, but Akio is not ,so he’s
eliminated? Say what? The standing count is actually supposed to
stop when one of the two men get to their feet; or why
not just start counting whenever one guy is knocked
down? Where's
Credibilly when we need
him???! Anyway, Chavo comes in last (I believe he's
injured) and beats down London, yelling at him for
forcing him to actually have to do some work. (could it
be that Chavo is secretly enrolled in the Welfare
system?).
Anyway, London takes some abuse
then “London’s up” (as much as 160 pound guy with a pudding basin haircut can hulk up) and goes on
offense. However, even a fucking snowman on Pluto creates more heat then this match apparently, so he gets zero
reaction. Poor Paul. To say the crowd was apathetic would be an understatement. Anyway, the finish sees London
try a forward roll, but Chavo rolls through, and grabs the ropes and gets the assisted pin to win the title. SHENANIGANS.
Winner and NEW champion: Chavo Guerrero; Fun fact: Chavo actually won the CW title at last year’s No Way Out, too. Funner
Fact: I probably say "fun fact" too fucking much. I'll stop now.
/5
-Divas come back out. It’s time for the "Talent" portion of the evening!
And if someone would just shine a blacklight on these women’s dresses, I’m sure we’d see exactly what those
talents really are. Anyway, Joy gives Torrie a "massage". Unfortunately, there are no battery driven devices and honey in this
particular skit, so it’s a washout. Up next, is the stand-up comedy stylings of Rochelle, who is about as funny as a kick in the
sack. However, her abilities to make other things stand up are good, as this nude photo that I dug up will
attest to. Give this woman a standing ovation! I will,
once I learn how to clap with one hand. Up next we have...Lauren? I
don’t know. She dances...I think
. Actually, they’re all running together in my head now. Finally,
Michelle McCool, best known for her prowess of Dodging balls last summer (and a testament to her current employment likely)
shows her “talent” by bodyslamming Dawn Marie.
Funny, whenever I scoop up random women and slam them, no one gives me any
credit and I win no contests. Why is she so special?
-JBL gives a great promo backstage about the perils of the cage match tonight.
He states that his body is temporary… but the title is eternal. Actually, I think it's just this
fucking Title reign that's eternal.
The Undertaker w/ ability to no sell death vs. Luther Reigns w/ the
very same ability!
Considering the slew of grievous bodily harm Luther has overcome, I’m
starting to think that the wrong guy has the walking deadman gimmick here. Anyway, this match was just Hosstacular in its
Hossiness. They were like two big bulls running together. And other euphemisms for plodding slow moving creatures boringly
colliding.
But seriously, I don’t know why Undertaker insists on working such long
matches with people with so many physical limitations, but he always does. Perhaps this is the price of his eternal life?
Maybe if he actually had a good match, it'd be just like the picture of Dorian Gray and Taker would shrivel up and die.
Did I mention how much I've drank tonight? (LOTS!) Oh! and for the record, I thought your hair was supposed to keep growing
after you’re dead, not recede. What’s the deal, Undertaker?
Anyway, this match starts off promising enough, as Luther has a decent amount
of raw skill; but expecting him to put on a fifty/fifty match where he’s not dominating isn’t exactly playing
to his strengths. Anyway, Luther counters a tombstone into his inverted swinging neckbreaker thingy that no one ever fucking gets
over, but that only gets two. Luther then goes for another, but Taker reverses that into a DDT, does his throat slash (which
is kind of insensitive considering what Luther’s been through…) and gets his tombstone to get the win.
Winner: Undertaker. Knives and guns can't put Luther down, but piledrivers
can. Clearly, we need to teach our Law enforcement more catch as catch can wrestling. It's the ONLY way to stop crime!
/5
- Basic Instinct parody with Stacy, Jericho, Benoit & Christian airs again. This
was my favorite one of the lot they’ve shown. The only thing missing was the unemployed Test being shown on his sofa,
one tear streaming down his giant rodent-shaped face, muttering "I used to put my dick in that..."
-YES! The finals of the “Rookie Diva Contest” now. And you can cut the
anticipation with a butter knife. Each
lady comes out in their bikini. Joy shows a thong under her bikini bottom. But who wears underwear under their bathing suit?
Well, besides my grandfather that is. Anyway, the votes are in! And It’s official!…100% of people still watching
have lost the will to live! And oh ya, Joy “wins". Who knew that letting Big Show unfurl his ungodly genitals into
your love hole like an unrolled Sleeping bag would finally pay off!
Kurt Angle vs. John Cena: Winner gets the second banana spot at Wrestlemania;
This of course the
final in the tournament to determine a number one
contender to the WWE Title at Wrestlemania. As
only Kurt Angle stands in John Cena's way to
becoming to the first ever Thinks he's black World
Champion. You see, for YEARS, pretend African Americans
have been denied their RIGHTFUL opportunities in this
industry. Like PIONEERS like
PG-13, who courageously
fought for their right to sit at the front of the bus
(It was the Lex Express actually.). Courageous
patriots like Scotty 2 Hotty, MURDERED in the prime of
their lives, only because he yearned
for equality. Wait. What? He's still alive?
You sure? The bottom line here is no longer will the
not-black man be held back! No longer will he
persecuted solely because of the lack of color
of the his skin! The chickens are coming home to roost,
y'all. And John Cena will be damned if they end up in
the skillet like hands of the Big Show. I'm tellin'
you.
Anyway, even though the result of this one is pretty predictable, it still
delivered, and delivered big. This was probably the best Cena’s looked in a LONG time, and they put him over STRONG.
The crowd is actually
pretty divided here, with chants for both men during the
match. One really cool spot sees Angle deliver
a German release (Not
this) into the buckles. Not to be outdone, John Cena later gets aerial and squashes
Angle with a huge flying legdrop off the top rope as Angle lay straddled over the ropes. Cena then hits the FU…but Angle
kicks out at two. Cena thinks he’s won it and has words (WORD!) with
the official. This gives Kurt a chance to clip Cena’s leg, and from there, Kurt goes to work, delivering some particularly
stiff looking stomps to Cena’s ankle in the process. Angle then hits the Angle Slam and drops the straps, exposing the
POT BELLY OF SOLID MUSCLE, which of course signifies the anklelock. Cena fights the pain
and makes it the ropes on the AWESOME POWER of hip hop
alone. The power of Kanye West compels
me!
Angle pulls Cena away, but then accidentally hits referee
Charles Robinson in the face with a stray elbow. The crowd begins to chant for HBK, but apparently Shawn decided to keep
the Sabbath holy and doesn’t show up. With the ref down, Angle decides to try and cheat, and grabs Cena’s chain,
but Cena explodes on him with a hard tackle in the corner and scoops up Angle and hits a big FU for the pin.
A lot of people were probably expecting the clichéd HBK run-in, but WWE opted
to put over Cena straight up (gangsta!), and that’s probably the best idea at this point.
Winner: John Cena, who will now go onto to Wrestlemania to face (let's be
honest) JBL. Wrestling God vs. the WWE's new personal Jesus and Savior. I've seen his miracles.
He can turn water into wine PHAT beats!
/5
© JBL vs. Big Show for the WWE Championship; Barbwire Steel Cage Match:
As
they’re lowering the cage, Michael Cole tells us that the Steel Cage is a Carnivore. And here
I thought it was just an inanimate metal structure erected around the ring. Shows what I know. No wonder I failed science.
And we're on~! It's the man who's dignity was raped (or a getting a haircut to everyone under
7 feet on earth), against, well, I think you know where I'm going with this; so I don't even need to say it. Anyway, JBL takes this thing
tentatively, but Show manhandles him from the word go,
throwing him around effortlessly. Eventually though, JBL returns the favor and
runs Show into the cage and he's busted open. UNFORGIVING STEEL CAGE. It has no use for your apolgies, so don't
even bother. JBL however looks to climb out, but by gawd, he can't get past that razor-sharp barbwire, and soon after
he is bleeding as well. And that's really t
he story here. The cage is inescapable, or dare I say there's "no way out" (HIYO). Man, what a coincidence
this show's name is coupled with an inescapable cage. What's next, a Royal Rumble featuring a 30 man free-for-all? We can
dream.
JBL keeps desperately searching for a way to possibly escape, but nothing doing. However,
salvation looks to come in the form of the Bashams and Orlando Jordan, who try to interfere. And if JBL truly is a Wrestling
God like he
says, then by God (no pun intended), he's got just about
the worst disciples I've ever seen in my life. However, if this means we can expect Jordan to eventually hang himself after betraying JBL, I'm
all for it. I actually had this other great Bible parable involving a cock and Jordan denying JBL three times,
but ultimately decided against it, because, well, I think I've already made about 300 JBL gay jokes already in this
Rant.
As the Cabinet tries in vain to get in (NO WAY IN~!), Teddy Long comes
out and declares that there will be NO OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE, and exiles the Cabinet from the ringside area; but not before
O.J. slides some bolt cutters to JBL…and not a bloody knife. What kind of OJ are you? Come on! Bradshaw then uses them on Show, and then hits the Clothesline from Hell
in a Cell, in honor of the cage. Obviously.
JBL goes for another, but this time he runs into the goozle
and eats a chokeslam by Show for a two count. JBL then begins climbing the cage, bolt-cutters in hand, hoping to snip away
the barbwire so he can escape, but Show is there, and the two jockey on the top rope, until Show chokeslams JBL off and THROUGH
the ring! Show then gingerly climbs down from the ropes and opts to escape through the cage door, but it’s locked. Big
Show remedies this by simply ripping the chain off and steps out of the cage as the bell rings. Show thinks he’s won
the match, but apparently, JBL crawled through the collapsed ring and out from the apron to win the match. Got to laugh
at the irony of JBL squeezing himself through a tight hole, though. Hey, could I make any more corny JBL jokes
tonight? You bet I could!
Winner & still champion: That clever JBL. Maybe his fellow Conservative
madman the Ultimate Warrior gave him some swank under-the-ring pointers? (sans shit pail, of course). Stranger things
have happened.
/5
-After the match, the Cabinet jumps Big Show, but here’s DAVE Batista to
make the save! And he’s wearing his trunks?! Huh? I don’t know about you, but when I show up for a fight,
I don’t have the sudden urge to take my pants off. DAVE then kills everyone dead, but JBL, who’s
slithering away. However, John Cena cuts him off and beats the shit out of him before spinbustering him off the stage through
some tables. Intrigue~! Cena and Batista then stare at each other, as each man makes the belt gesture. Although,
I suspect Cena was just subtly suggesting to Dave that he go put his pants back on. Maybe? I don't know.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I
sure am drunk. This feels weird but good at the same
time. Anyway, as is custom with WWE pay-per-views
lately, this one had a couple of decent matches, coupled
with some mind numbing shit at the same time.
Specifically, the Divas segment, which was like
going to the strippers, and they don’t even
bother taking off their clothes. This was 15
minutes of my life I’ll never have back. Ok, maybe I
wouldn’t do anything productive with that time anyway,
but I still feel gypped considering the price of this
show. So, in closing, I may have to masturbate to it,
but I don’t have to like it!
That said, my two match rule insists I must give this show a thumbs up, so
I shall.
I'm Sean.
WWE