Hello everyone, I’m
Sean Carless, and this the report for No Way Out;
originally rumored to be called “No Way Should You Shell
Out $35 For This Shit.” They ultimately
decided to stick with the first choice. Go
figure.
Anyway, tonight’s show
comes to us fromPittsburgh, land of
steel and other things I've never bothered to look up or
care about. This is also Kurt Angle’s hometown, and part
of me secretly wonders if Angle will come out and accept
his own hometown challenge. That part of me is
quite drunk and stoned though, so don’t listen to
him.
© The
Bashams vs. Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio; WWE Tag
Team Championship
match;
The Bashams have “SOD”
written on the front of their tights, and Michael Cole
explains to us that this means “Secretaries of Defense”
and not the short form for "sodomy" as I had thought.
(Hey, JBL is their boss, so who knows?). Anyway, very
solid match, but no real spark between these two teams
in my opinion. Fun fact: The Bashams wrestled for the
Tag Titles last year at No Way Out, while
still under the guidance of a dominating sexual
abuser: (Shaniqua.) Good thing they don’t associate with
anyone like that anymore!
*Ahem*.
One funny spot sees Eddie tie
together two tag ropes, giving him about a six foot
reach..... or three full Rey Mysterios. The Referee
however is not impressed.
In any event, Rey is your tiny
luchador in peril here, and eventually he ducks and
dodges both Bashams and rolls to the corner where he
makes the caliente tag to Eddie. Eddie takes it to
the Bashams and gets a nearfall with a Mysterio assist.
Eddie then scoots out to the floor and retrieves a Tag
team title belt. Rey stops him however fearing a DQ and
because HE'S A GOOD PERSON. Anyway, in all this
confusion, the Bashams do the old switcheroo.
Hey, just like the Killer Bees! Only, you
know, discounting the fact
that people actually cared about the Killer
Bees. Other than that, reaction, charisma and interest,
they're like totally identical, though. Trust
me.
Anyway, Eddie, however, sees
the switch, and does a forward roll off the frog splash
attempt... but feigns being unconscious, as the
fallen Basham gets up thinking Eddie had knocked himself
out from the miffed splash. Oh, that Eddie. What
nonsensical Amphibian offense will he pull out next.
Eddie then grabs a really close near-fall off a
quick cradle. From there, Danny Basham throws the
Tag Title to Eddie, in an attempt to "frame him",
but Eddie just as suddenly hot potatoes it to
Doug Basham, who then has it confiscated by the
Referee. In the confusion, Rey slides the other belt to
Eddie, who then clocks Doug and gets the pin- and
the titles. Ah, Rey-Rey is a BAD
PERSON after all. And here he was, up until
tonight, single-handedly shattering all the myths
of mask wearing people being horrible people. I don't
know, maybe if the rest of the guys who skulk
around wearing masks and JUMPING OUT THE SKY..err
bushes, had REALLY AWESOME LUCHA OFFENSE instead of
just carrying Rophenol and some duct tape, they too
would be more appreciated.
Maybe.
Winners and new champions: Rey
Mysterio, Eddie Guerrero and Lying, Cheating and
Stealing! The latter of which was probably the last
remaining shreds of charisma in the
Bashams. Hey, just saying.
/5
-Sideshow Carlito is backstage and
taunts G.M. Teddy Long by introducing him to "the wife"
of one of the board of directors. OH NO. Not the woman
who washes his pants! Seriously, what power would this
bitch have? I dated a girl who was manager of a
McDonalds once. Does this mean I can go in and fucking
chastise the douchebag mopping the floor? Which I
do anyway, sure, because he's going nowhere in
life. That's right. No. I can't. Or
something.
Anyway, she puts over the previous
match and speaks her piece with the poise and grace
of a person who has no business ever being in this
industry. Hey, quick, hire this woman for the
creative team! I heard that's their main
criteria. After she bolts, Carlito says that the
WWE Board of Directors have been speaking, and Long’s
future may hinge on whether he can sign Batista or not
for Smackdown. But hey, why the fuck would they
care? It’s the WWE board of directors; don’t
they govern both shows? Why would they care what
fucking show DAVE is on? Why am I asking questions
when there's no one here? And why am I so desperately
lonely?
-Torrie Wilson comes
out to the ring next, along with the woman who
married, then murdered her father by sexually pleasuring
him to death, Dawn Marie. We all should hope for the
same fate. The two then introduce the participants for
the “Rookie Diva Contest”... and BOY are there A LOT of
big fake titties in this ring right now! It’s no wonder
they call this the Mellon Arena! …OK, OK, I know
it’s spelled differently, but I really wanted to make
that joke, so sue
me.
Anyway, the four
contestants are “Rochelle” “Lauren”, Michelle McCool and
Joy…who according to a screen, lists her "credentials"
as being a “Special Friend to Big Show.” How is
that a skill? Actually, I take it back. If she can have
sex with a Giant and not have her bottom half explode
upon climax, then that really is a skill that should be
commended. I appreciate a woman whose nether-regions can
absord the impact of a gusher the likes of
which could not been fathomed unless Hoover
Dam breaks. Anyway, the four prance around the ring
for a minute for the benefit of the men, then leave
relatively quickly without talking. If only more women
could follow their example. If
only.
-Pulp Fiction vignette with Eddie
Guerrero and Booker T. airs again. Personally, I think
they could further the skit by having the Marcellus
Wallace rape scene featuring JBL's cabinet. Hell,
one of the Bashams could play the Gimp. After all, they
did used to wear those masks last
year!
Booker T. w/ petty criminal record vs.
HEIDENREICH w/ WAR criminal
record?
Booker:
“I like your poetry.” Heidenreich:
“I like the way you rob Wendy’s.” Am the only one
who’d mark out for this exchange? Umm, probably. Anyway,
the whole scuttlebutt on the net lately is that
Heidy’s original gimmick was to be a
“Frozen Nazi”. Makes sense to me.
Although, one would
have to wonder what Hitler had in mind with Heidenreich
here. Freeze him for 60 years (bar a brief thaw-out so
the big man could pencil in a couple of seasons
with the Saints) then release him from
captivity... so he could destroy the western
world through absolutely terrible wrestling? It's no
wonder that motherfucker lost the
war.
Heidenreich doesn't
really seem to get out of the blocks (bunker?) here, and
seems kind of lethargic. Of course, you'd be a little
plodding too if you just spent the better part of the
last century in a Cryogenic chamber, so I guess
I'll cut him a break. Anyway, finish sees
Heidenreich snap and get himself disqualified for
hitting Book with a chair in the shoulder. Money well
spent.
Winner: Booker by
disqualification. Loser: Me, for paying for
this match... and not just because I'm an
anti-social nerd. Despite what you may have
heard....
/5
-The babyface locker room
celebrates Eddie & Rey’s big win when John Cena
enters. Eddie asks for a minute alone with John and
gives him a great pep talk about not quitting tonight no
matter how much pain he might be in. Maybe Eddie should
re-direct this pep talk to me. After that last fucking
match, I'm ready to tap out.
6 way
elimination gauntlet for the Cruiserweight Title
featuring © Funaki, Akio, Paul London, Shannon Moore,
Spike Dudley & Chavo
Guerrero;
First off, Paul London
runs to the ring looking like a 3 year old kid who
dresses himself and wears every article of clothing he
owns. The fur coat was nice touch though. However,
I'd be on the lookout for PETA though, my friend.
They're not above throwing red paint on that coat,
which of course completely stops "the
manufacturing of fur", and certainly doesn't
increase demand because you now have
to replace your ruined coat. It's a brilliant
ploy. Definitely.
ANYWAY… London
starts things out with Funaki,
who is of course your current champion. Lucky him.
The first match he wins in 6 fucking years, and
it's for the title. After a few short minutes of
action, Spike Dudley sneaks in and gets a cheap
shot on Funaki, and London rolls him up
from behind to eliminate him. THE BOYHOOD DREAM HAS
ENDED. I actually have no idea if that was Funaki's
boyhood dream or not (mine was getting laid) but I
believe a historic two month Title reign like
that deserves the ultimate in wrestling
hyperbole.
Spike immediately jumps in next,
and I must say again, his goatee has
reached even beyond Jim Neidhart proportions
now. I say shave it off before the urge to spontaneously
rob your neighbor of their jewelry kicks in. Trust
me. Anyway, Funaki returns the favor to Spike, and
slides back in and superkicks him, allowing London
to eliminate him as well.
Shannon Moore jumps in next,
sporting a Red Rooster look…well, if Terry Taylor was
put in the washer on the cold cycle. Great little
exchange between London and Moore, who is apparently
now known as the “Prince of Punk”... despite the
fact he was probably not even born when the movement was
popular. Anyway, London eventually eliminates him
with the "London Calling" 450 splash, which is ironic
because 1979 London is about last time anybody
had Shannon's
fucking haircut.
In next is Akio, who immediately
takes it to London. Apparently, much like so many others
before him, Akio travels throughout life with no
discernable last name, in addition to crying
to anyone who'll listen how he's "really Korean" and not
Japanese. Bah. All you cruiserweights look the same to
me!
Anyhoo, the two have
some pretty cool exchanges as well, but this crowd is
just dead, which sucks for these guys. At one point, the
two men each climb up on the top rope, and London hits a
HUGE swinging neckbreaker off the top! The referee gives
the mandatory count while both men are down. London is
up at nine, but Akio is not ,so he’s eliminated? Say
what? The standing count is actually supposed
to stop when one of the two men get to their feet; or
why not just start counting whenever one guy is knocked
down? Where's Credibilly when we need
him???! Anyway, Chavo comes in last (I believe he's
injured) and beats down London, yelling at him for
forcing him to actually have to do some work. (could it
be that Chavo is secretly enrolled in the Welfare
system?). Anyway, London
takes some abuse then “London’s up” (as much as 160
pound guy with a pudding basin haircut can hulk
up) and goes on offense. However, even a fucking
snowman on Pluto creates more heat then this match
apparently, so he gets zero reaction. Poor
Paul. To say the crowd was apathetic would be an
understatement. Anyway, the finish sees London try
a forward roll, but Chavo rolls through, and grabs the
ropes and gets the assisted pin to win the title.
SHENANIGANS.
Winner and NEW
champion: Chavo Guerrero; Fun fact: Chavo actually won the
CW title at last year’s No Way Out, too. Funner Fact: I
probably say "fun fact" too fucking much. I'll stop
now.
/5
-Divas come back out. It’s time
for the "Talent" portion of the evening! And if someone
would just shine a blacklight on these women’s
dresses, I’m sure we’d see exactly what those
talents really are. Anyway, Joy gives Torrie a
"massage". Unfortunately, there are no battery driven
devices and honey in this particular skit, so it’s
a washout. Up next, is the stand-up comedy stylings of
Rochelle, who is about as funny as a kick in the sack.
However, her abilities to make other things stand up are
good, as this nude
photo that I dug up will
attest to. Give this woman a standing ovation! I will,
once I learn how to clap with one hand. Up
next we have...Lauren? I don’t know. She
dances...I think . Actually, they’re
all running together in my head now. Finally,
Michelle McCool, best known for her prowess of Dodging
balls last summer (and a testament to her current
employment likely) shows her “talent” by
bodyslamming Dawn Marie. Funny, whenever I
scoop up random women and slam them, no one gives me any
credit and I win no contests. Why is she so
special?
-JBL gives a great promo backstage
about the perils of the cage match tonight. He states
that his body is temporary… but the title is
eternal. Actually, I think it's just this
fucking Title reign that's
eternal.
The
Undertaker w/ ability to no sell death vs. Luther Reigns
w/ the very same
ability!
Considering the slew of grievous
bodily harm Luther has overcome, I’m starting to think
that the wrong guy has the walking deadman gimmick here.
Anyway, this match was just Hosstacular in its
Hossiness. They were like two big bulls running
together. And other euphemisms for plodding slow moving
creatures boringly colliding.
But seriously, I don’t know why
Undertaker insists on working such long matches with
people with so many physical limitations, but he always
does. Perhaps this is the price of his eternal life?
Maybe if he actually had a good match, it'd be just
like the picture of Dorian Gray and Taker would shrivel
up and die. Did I mention how much I've drank tonight?
(LOTS!) Oh! and for the record, I thought your hair
was supposed to keep growing after you’re dead, not
recede. What’s the deal,
Undertaker?
Anyway, this match
starts off promising enough, as Luther has a decent
amount of raw skill; but expecting him to put on a
fifty/fifty match where he’s not dominating isn’t
exactly playing to his strengths. Anyway, Luther
counters a tombstone into his inverted swinging
neckbreaker thingy that no one ever fucking gets
over, but that only gets two. Luther then goes for
another, but Taker reverses that into a DDT, does his
throat slash (which is kind of insensitive considering
what Luther’s been through…) and gets his tombstone to
get the win.
Winner: Undertaker. Knives and
guns can't put Luther down, but piledrivers can.
Clearly, we need to teach our Law enforcement more catch
as catch can wrestling. It's the ONLY way to stop
crime!
/5
- Basic Instinct
parody with Stacy, Jericho, Benoit & Christian airs
again. This was my favorite one of the lot they’ve
shown. The only thing missing was the unemployed Test
being shown on his sofa, one tear streaming down his
giant rodent-shaped face, muttering "I used to put
my dick in
that..."
-YES! The
finals of the “Rookie Diva Contest” now. And you can cut
the anticipation with a butter knife.
Each lady comes out in their bikini.
Joy shows a thong under her bikini bottom. But who wears
underwear under their bathing suit? Well, besides my
grandfather that is. Anyway, the votes are in! And It’s
official!…100% of people still watching have lost the
will to live! And oh ya, Joy “wins". Who knew that
letting Big Show unfurl his ungodly genitals into
your love hole like an unrolled Sleeping bag would
finally pay off!
Kurt
Angle vs. John Cena: Winner gets the second banana spot
at Wrestlemania;
This of course the
final in the tournament to determine a number one
contender to the WWE Title at Wrestlemania. As
only Kurt Angle stands in John Cena's way to
becoming to the first ever Thinks he's black World
Champion. You see, for YEARS, pretend African Americans
have been denied their RIGHTFUL opportunities in this
industry. Like PIONEERS like PG-13, who courageously
fought for their right to sit at the front of the bus
(It was the Lex Express actually.). Courageous
patriots like Scotty 2 Hotty, MURDERED in the prime of
their lives, only because he yearned
for equality. Wait. What? He's still alive?
You sure? The bottom line here is no longer will the
not-black man be held back! No longer will he
persecuted solely because of the lack of color
of the his skin! The chickens are coming home to roost,
y'all. And John Cena will be damned if they end up in
the skillet like hands of the Big Show. I'm tellin'
you.
Anyway, even though
the result of this one is pretty predictable, it still
delivered, and delivered big. This was probably the best
Cena’s looked in a LONG time, and they put him over
STRONG.
The crowd is actually
pretty divided here, with chants for both men during the
match. One really cool spot sees Angle deliver
a German release (Not this) into the
buckles. Not to be outdone, John Cena later gets
aerial and squashes Angle with a huge flying legdrop off
the top rope as Angle lay straddled over the ropes. Cena
then hits the FU…but Angle kicks out at two. Cena thinks he’s
won it and has words (WORD!) with the official.
This gives Kurt a chance to clip Cena’s leg, and from
there, Kurt goes to work, delivering some
particularly stiff looking stomps to Cena’s ankle in the
process. Angle then hits the Angle Slam and drops the
straps, exposing the POT BELLY OF SOLID
MUSCLE, which of course signifies the
anklelock.
Cena fights the pain and makes it the ropes on
the AWESOME POWER of hip hop alone. The power of Kanye
West compels me! Angle pulls Cena
away, but then accidentally hits referee Charles
Robinson in the face with a stray elbow. The crowd
begins to chant for HBK, but apparently Shawn decided to
keep the Sabbath holy and doesn’t show up. With the ref
down, Angle decides to try and cheat, and grabs Cena’s
chain, but Cena explodes on him with a hard tackle in
the corner and scoops up Angle and hits a big FU for the
pin.
A lot of people were
probably expecting the clichéd HBK run-in, but WWE opted
to put over Cena straight up (gangsta!), and that’s
probably the best idea at this
point.
Winner: John Cena, who
will now go onto to Wrestlemania to face (let's be
honest) JBL. Wrestling God vs. the WWE's new personal
Jesus and Savior. I've seen his miracles. He
can turn water into wine PHAT
beats!
/5
© JBL vs. Big Show for the WWE Championship;
Barbwire Steel Cage
Match:
As they’re lowering the cage,
Michael Cole tells us that the Steel Cage is a
Carnivore. And here I thought it was just an inanimate
metal structure erected around the ring. Shows what
I know. No wonder I failed
science.
And we're
on~! It's the man who's dignity
was raped (or a getting a haircut to everyone
under 7 feet on earth), against, well, I think you know
where I'm going with this; so I don't even need to say
it. Anyway, JBL takes this thing
tentatively, but Show manhandles him from the word go,
throwing him around effortlessly. Eventually though, JBL
returns the favor and runs Show into the cage and he's
busted open. UNFORGIVING STEEL CAGE. It has no use for
your apolgies, so don't even bother. JBL however
looks to climb out, but by gawd, he can't get past that
razor-sharp barbwire, and soon after he is bleeding as
well. And that's really
t
he story here. The cage is inescapable, or dare I
say there's "no way out" (HIYO). Man, what a
coincidence this show's name is coupled with an
inescapable cage. What's next, a Royal Rumble featuring
a 30 man free-for-all? We can
dream.
JBL keeps desperately
searching for a way to possibly escape, but nothing
doing. However, salvation looks to come in the
form of the Bashams and Orlando Jordan, who try to
interfere. And if JBL truly is a Wrestling God
like he says, then by God (no pun intended), he's got
just about the worst disciples I've ever seen in my
life. However, if this means we can expect Jordan
to eventually hang himself after betraying JBL, I'm all
for it. I actually had this other great Bible
parable involving a cock and Jordan denying JBL three
times, but ultimately decided against it, because, well,
I think I've already made about 300 JBL gay jokes
already in this Rant.
As the Cabinet tries in vain to
get in (NO WAY IN~!), Teddy Long comes out and
declares that there will be NO OUTSIDE
INTERFERENCE, and exiles the Cabinet from the ringside
area; but not before O.J. slides some bolt cutters
to JBL…and not a bloody knife. What kind
of OJ are you? Come on! Bradshaw
then uses them on Show, and then hits the
Clothesline from Hell in a Cell, in honor of the cage.
Obviously.
JBL goes for another,
but this time he runs into the goozle and
eats a chokeslam by Show for a two count. JBL then
begins climbing the cage, bolt-cutters in hand, hoping
to snip away the barbwire so he can escape, but Show is
there, and the two jockey on the top rope, until Show
chokeslams JBL off and THROUGH the ring! Show then
gingerly climbs down from the ropes and opts to escape
through the cage door, but it’s locked. Big Show
remedies this by simply ripping the chain off and steps
out of the cage as the bell rings. Show thinks he’s won
the match, but apparently, JBL crawled through the
collapsed ring and out from the apron to win the
match. Got to laugh at the irony of JBL squeezing
himself through a tight hole, though. Hey, could I
make any more corny JBL jokes
tonight? You bet I
could!
Winner & still champion:
That clever JBL. Maybe his fellow Conservative madman
the Ultimate Warrior gave him some
swank under-the-ring pointers? (sans shit pail, of
course). Stranger things have
happened.
/5
-After the match, the Cabinet
jumps Big Show, but here’s DAVE Batista to make the
save! And he’s wearing his trunks?! Huh? I don’t
know about you, but when I show up for
a fight, I don’t have the sudden urge to take
my pants off. DAVE then kills everyone dead,
but JBL, who’s slithering away. However, John Cena cuts
him off and beats the shit out of him before
spinbustering him off the stage through some tables.
Intrigue~! Cena and Batista then stare at each
other, as each man makes the belt gesture.
Although, I suspect Cena was just subtly
suggesting to Dave that he go put his
pants back on. Maybe? I don't
know.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I sure am drunk. This
feels weird but good at the same time. Anyway, as is
custom with WWE pay-per-views lately, this one had a
couple of decent matches, coupled with some mind numbing
shit at the same time. Specifically, the Divas
segment, which was like going to the strippers, and they
don’t even bother taking off their clothes. This
was 15 minutes of my life I’ll never have back. Ok,
maybe I wouldn’t do anything productive with that time
anyway, but I still feel gypped considering the price of
this show. So, in closing, I may have to masturbate to
it, but I don’t have to like it!
That said, my two match rule
insists I must give this show a thumbs up, so I
shall.
I'm Sean.
WWE
