WWE
NO WAY OUT
2004:(02/15/04)
Hey there, PPV fans, and cheap motherfuckers leeching off their friend's
generosity, and everyone else who accidentally stumbled upon this page thinking it was porn, based on my slew
of disgusting sexual innuendo and bad language; I'm your beloved party-meister and host Sean Carless, and welcome
to No Way Out! LIVE from San Francisco California! Which as we all know is openly regarded as the homosexual capital
of the World. No wonder Pat Patterson was a legend here! It all makes sense now.
Your hosts tonight are Michael Cole and Tazz... who's apparently
traded in being a "Human Suplex Machine" in favor of being a "Human Eating Machine"... if indeed his ever increasing
waistline is any indication. Poor bastard. Sadly, the only thing he "chokes out" nowadays is himself when
he accidentally swallows a chicken bone in an eating binge. Poor Tazz. Normally, I'd just make
a joke about Michael Cole, but sadly, mother nature already beat me to the punch there, so it was kind of futile. Oh
well.
The show opens up with upcoming co-Playboy cover-girls Sable &
Torrie Wilson. Man. It's about time these two prudes took off their clothes in Playboy! I can't wait to see them
naked! Oh wait.
Anyway, Sable grabs the mic and speaks, but the ultra high frequency
of her voice causes heads to explode across the country, and dogs to burst through walls cartoon-style leaving exact
body imprints. Torrie then grabs the mic and also welcomes everyone to the pay-per-view, informing
us that the Smackdown Superstars will do ANYTHING to entertain the fans! They then back this up by...doing absolutely
nothing? OK, then. But hey, all joking aside, I guess if you're going to bother to shoot Sable nude again, now's
the time. After all, at her age, one more camera flash, and she could crumple into a pile of burning embers. Kind
of like a Vampire in sunlight. Clearly, she made the right choice.
The Bashams & Shaniqua vs. (C) WORM/ASS (Rikishi & Scotty
2 Hotty) WWE Tag team Titles.
Huh. I always wondered how long it would take to recapture the *MAGIC* that was the
handicap collision between Demolition and Powers of Pain & Mr. Fuji at Wrestlemania 5, and now I have my answer! Dear
lord. For the record, this match is for Scotty & Rikishi's WWE tag team titles; but to my knowledge, The Basham's
titles of "Most boring human beings EVER" are not at stake. Lucky them.
The big story here is that Rikishi & Scotty desperately want to get
their hands on Shaniqua. They might be the only men on earth who can make this claim. No offense to Shaniqua or anything,
but after Chyna and Asya, I'm kind of soured on scary looking he-she's. In fact, all that's left is for Shaniqua to pick a
geographical inspired name like her predecessors and the circle will be complete. Afryca, maybe? That sounds about right.
Anyway, Bashams dominate early, and make the tag to Shaniqua who tries to PILEDRIVE
Scotty 2 Hotty. Didn't she get Linda's memo? Not that it matters, Scotty 2 Hotty's hair makes him impervious to its effects
anyway. Rikishi ends up making the save, and comes in, and manhandles? womanhandles? both? neither?, Shaniqua, and sets
her up for the stink face, but Doug makes the save with a HEADBUTT. Dude, have you never watched wrestling in 50 years? YOU
CANNOT HEADBUTT A SAMOAN. The same goes for a black guy and a retard. Hell, if only the Rock had down's syndrome! He'd be
completely unstoppable! From there, The Bashams & Shaniqua continue to isolate Scotty, and she gets a THUNDEROUS
BODYSLAM, which Cole sells like Scotty was just dropped from the fucking SEARS Towers. Come on! She's 180 pounds, and maybe
6 feet tall! Huh. I guess by this logic, if Kidman slammed him, he'd have been tragically killed. Anyway, Scotty,
finally makes a hot tag to Rikishi, who comes in a house of fire pancakes, and dominates all three, umm,
men, until getting a hold of Shaniqua, delivering a Samoan Drop, and finishing with the banzai splash which Cole
abhorrently calls the "Rump Shaker". Well, he's in the right town for that handle anyway.
Winners & STILL Champions: Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty. Apparently, this is the
end of Shaniqua. She's being sent to OVW for retooling (De-tooling?) Yup. God speed.
/5
-Nidia vs. Jamie Noble package. Just your ordinary story of boy meets girl, girl gets blinded by deadly kool-aid, boy
exploits blind girl and uses her as a human shield, blind girl gets vision back miraculously after finally washing the
bumbleberry red out of her eyes... then betrays boy. She then gets revenge on boy by feeding all of their possessions
into a wood chipper conveniently parked backstage for some strange reason. (and thank god they never got a dog together.
Just saying). You know, that same old story. Yup.
Jamie Noble vs. Nidia w/o Kool-aid induced blindness: Blindfold
match.
Jamie is of course forced to wear a blindfold here. You know, kind of like how he
has to when making love to Nidia. The story here is that Noble cannot take off the hood or he'll be disqualified, but honestly,
I'm more interested and somewhat mesmerized by Nidia's gigantic enhanced chest. Obviously, Nidia recently graduated from the Stephanie McMahon school of ridiculously oversized titties. Man, would I like
to visit that campus sometime. Who knew when you go blind, your tits grow two additional sizes? I think I'm going to go give
my girlfriend the Roddy Piper poke to the eyes and see what happens.
Anyway, Nidia taunts Noble, by kicking him in the ass and making faces. Psychology
clearly not seen since the famous Flair/Steamboat series in 1989. From there, Noble almost grabs her breasts in
a go behind, and Cole sells it with disgust. OH DEAR GOD, NO. HE TOUCHED HIS OWN GIRLFRIEND'S TITS. Stop this madness and
stop it now! Her counter though is to reverse out and pull his pants down. Seriously. I then get the visual of Patterson
feverishly jotting down notes, as Grenier tries to back out of the arena slowly like Kool-aid man on Family Guy. Nidia then
continues to kick Noble in the ass, to the sheer delight of Michael Cole, that fuck. It's right then I wonder if WWE
still has that wood chipper handy and if it could indeed handle the body of Michael Cole. I'm more than willing to put
in the time to find out. The end THANKFULLY comes after Noble ends up *cheating*
by taking off the hood briefly, so he could see where Nidia really was. He then slams her off the top rope, then chokes
her out; which for the record is how most of my relationships have ended. It's easier to sneak your possessions out in the
middle of the night after a dragon sleeper. What can I say.
Winner: Jamie Noble. God bless the WWE. The only place a domestic squabble can end
with one spouse's head covered by a fucking pillow case, and there not be an ensuing murder trial.
/5
-Backstage, Kurt Angle is asked by Josh Matthews, THE HARD-HITTING QUESTION of why
he attacked both Cena and Big Show on SmackDown the other night. Ya, Kurt, why'd you
attack the guys you're going to face in a match tonight? Don't you know that'd give you an advantage!!!! Blargggh. Fucking
WWE. That's like questioning a soldier why he just shot at the enemy. Anyway, Cena
then interrupts and says if he's going to attack, he'll do it to Kurt's face, then he hits him. Man, if Cena's
going to be a Rapper, he better learn to be a little more subtle when he puts a hit down on a rival. And I don't know about
you, but I can't wait for that first drive-by Fu-ing...
Bacardi & Cola (Haas & Benjamin) vs.
A.P.A.;
For the record, Bradshaw is selling the arm tonight, as it's heavily
bandaged. That's definitely going to make it A LOT more difficult to pin rookies against the wall in the shower room. Anyway,
speaking of Bradshaw, it's kind of hard to take him seriously as an ass kicker now that he has a sensible conservative haircut. I
guess he figured he'd sell more copies of "Have More Money Now" (Not to be confused with Paul Heyman's book which is kind
of the complete opposite of that) if he didn't look like he just rolled off the farm kickin' horse shit off his boots.
After all, there was a reason why The Beverly Hillbillies hired Mr. Drysdale to handle their money. Silly, Bradshaw. Texas
hillbillies don't get to be bankers! They just get to be President!
Anyway, for the first time in forever, Faarooq starts this thing, and soon after we
find out why that is the case. Dear god. Anyway, Faarooq ends up hurting HIS arm soon after, and Haas applies a
hammer-lock that Tazz's points out is and I quote, "Hammer-like". Had people try to rip your arms off with hammers a
lot there, Tazz? Man, Red Hook is a tough neighborhood. Eventually, Faarooq makes his comeback and hits a big spinebuster!
And now a powerbomb! FAAROOQ! FAAROOQ! FAAROOQ IS ON FIRE! HE DON'T NEED NO WATER, LET THE MOTHERFUCKERS BURN. Hot tag
(ON FIRE) to Bradshaw soon after, and he folds Haas with the Clothesline from Hell. Satan himself taught Bradshaw this
hold. Then he went and designed the Hell in a Cell as a playground for his children! True story. Anyway, in the ensuing
chaos, Benjamin slips in and parts Bradshaw's stylin' do with a superkick, which should be renamed the SUPER-DUPER KICK in
honor of he and Charlie being the GREATEST IN THE WORLD. Shelton then gets the pin. Wow. You'd think working over
both dudes arms for 10 minutes would warrant an according finish, but Psychology along with his good pal, Continuity,
obviously stepped out for a bit. They'll be back soon. Hopefully.
Winners: WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM, who'll hopefully win the belts from Worm Ass post
haste and then deposit Scotty & Rikishi back into 2000 from whence they came. (Scotty opened up a
Worm-hole! It all makes sense now!)
/5
-Goldberg comes out and finally takes
his seat at ringside. I love how wrestlers never sit through the whole show, and just show up half way through. Tells
you all you need to know about WWE pay-per-views lately when the talent can't stomach a full three hours. Anyway, Paul Heyman then comes out. Heyman tells Goldberg that he will just sit there tonight
and not interfere. Wait. What makes you think a guy who doesn't work for this brand, and is completely obsessed
with getting to Brock Lesnar would interfere? Oh. This brings out Brock, who calls Goldberg out, and Bushy Bill hops the guard
rail from there, and destroys Brock with a jackhammer. Heyman then has Goldberg arrested because he jumped the rail. He'd
have been allowed to stick around had he just ran over Brock, or set him on fire, but you have to draw the line somewhere,
right? Ahem. Anyway, you kind have got to laugh at the irony of Heyman supporting the giant Aryan superman over a fellow Jew.
But then again, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if Heyman really is Jewish. I mean, he is
completely terrible with money. That's your red flag right there....
-Lesnar is being helped to the back, when HARDCORE HOLLY'S music hits and Brock is
apprehensive. After all, it took a mind boggling 6 minutes to defeat him completely clean at Royal Rumble last month. Brock
don't want no more of that.
Rhyno vs. Hardcore Holly;
Ah, Bob Holly vs. the endangered Rhyno. I think for this match, Holly should have
put on an Elmer Fudd costume, just so he could say, "Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting Whynos". From there, I picture Holly
going on full safari, randomly DROPKICKING various endangered species into oblivion. Before looking down on their carcasses
and yelling out "How do you like me now!". He then flees the scene in a jeep with NASCAR logos all over it before the
wardens show up and arrest him for poaching. That's right.
The two put on a very slow paced match here (I had to shave again by the
time Holly made his comeback). But I understand this was primarily due to a new office mandate where wrestlers are expected
to "tell a story". I think you may have read this particular story. It's called "Someone kill me now, this match sucks",
and it starts off with "Once upon a time, there were two guys you don't give a shit about. And then they had a tedious
match". I'd give away the ending for you, but it kinda involves you eating a shotgun barrel, and I don't want to
spoil it. Anyway, Rhyno ends up hitting the GORE, but Holly tumbles to the floor and almost gets counted out. However, he
finds the reserve to continue, channeling that fighting spirit that allowed him to once go tit for tat with wrestling
plumber TL Hopper, and he rolls back in. He then surprises Rhyno with an Alabama slam and gets the win. Don't ever
go to Alabama, you'll get slammed! I once stopped there and asked for directions, and next thing you know, I was hanging upside
down over some dudes shoulders. I pretty much blacked out from there.
Winner: Hardcore Holly and THE BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS, so don't bother even
trying to compete. It takes YEARS to master jumping into the air then falling down. You just don't have it, kid.
/5
Chavo Guerrero w/o Junior w/ Chavo w/ Senior vs. (C)Rey Mysterio w/
Jorge Paez w/o anybody knowing just who the fuck he is: Cruiserweight Title.
The story of this match is that Chavo has claimed that he will not only
win Rey-Rey's title, but he'll UNMASK him, too. Man, I can't wait to see what Rey REALLY looks like! And so do the millions
of WCW fans from 1998-2001 who saw him unmasked every week on national television. Ah, I kid. I love Rey, and I
love his mask. In fact, I'd love to know how he gets so much love for wearing one, while I myself don't when I slip on
mine. Maybe it's because I'm also hiding in the bushes? Maybe.
They actually gave this one a lot of time which was surprising. Jorge Paez
is actually ejected from ringside relatively early for knocking out Chavo Senior. The irony of this whole situation is
Chavo Senior looks so much like Cheech Marin that I can just picture a non-wrestling fan clicking onto this and not understanding
why this crazy Aztec is assaulting Cheech. "Leave him alone! He only smoked a little pot! He never hurt anybody!"
Anyway, back and forth match here. Both men end up fighting on the top, and Chavo
goes for Rey's mask, but Rey fights him off, elbows out, and hits a big moonsault press for two. Chavo then continues
to work the leg, getting a half crab that almost gets a submission, but
somehow, Rey makes it to the ropes. Rey then rallies and hits the 619, and looks to finish with the West-Coast Pop, when
someone jumpstarts Chavo's heart on the floor and he reanimates (Jesus, what does he think this is, a triple-threat match
or something?) and pushes Rey off the ropes as he springboards. No! What are you doing, Cheech?! Whoever said that marijuana
doesn't induce violent behavior is a damned dirty liar! *Ahem*. From there, Chavo
jr. quickly makes the academic pin. Yes, Academic. Funny, when I was in school, I don't remember having to make
pinfalls. Spelling and math? Sure. Rollups? Not so much.
Winner & NEW Cruiserweight Champion: Chavo Junior! 2/3 Chavos agree that was a
great match. Even if we never did get to find out what Rey really looked like....
John Cena vs. Kurt Angle vs. Big Show; # 1 contenders
match.
The Tale of the tape has one of John Cena's strengths listed as "Doctor
of Thuganomics". Dear god that's hilarious. How in the fuck is that an advantage? Although, maybe it is. There's more than a
few rap songs out there that would make me fucking tap out, so maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, the winner of this match will meet the WWE Champion at Wrestlemania, as Angle
and Show look to regain the title, and Cena looks to win his first, and make history as becoming the first ever black
WWE Champion. What? Why not? A world where fucking Rodney Mack is classified as an African American, is clearly a
world where Cena can also make the same boast. That's right.
They do the usual three-way shtick where there are only two in the ring
while the other lays on the floor for a ridiculously long time. Man, and they didn't even get punched by Jorge Paez first. Strange.
Cena's knee is *injured* during the match, but he does manage
to execute an FU on Big Show anyway. However, Angle is in to break up any attempt at a pin. Got to love Pro Wrestling.
The only place in the world where you're encouraged to scoop up the heaviest people possible and launch them through the air.
If only it was like this in real life. Go to a mall and just start scoop slamming anyone over 300 pounds you see. I GUARANTEE you
that'd be the best deterrent to obesity possible. BODYSLAM A FAT PERSON...TO SAVE THEIR LIFE! Only in America! (because
that's where all that fat people are...). From there, Angle hits the "Angle
Slam" (whose else would it be?) on Show but he kicks out at two, showing the fire and reserve that has kept him
U.S. Champion for 5 straight months. That, and the fact he's made only one title defense. Yup.
From there, Cena goes for an F-U on Angle, but he
floats over, and applies the ankle-lock, but Show breaks that up with a chokeslam to Kurt. Cena then recovers and rolls up Show (as much as you can roll up Big Show) for a close 2.
From there, Show fires off a defensive Chokeslam on Cena, but Angle pulls him off before the three. Angle then gets the
CANKLE LOCK on Big Show, but Cena makes the save. Five-knuckle shuffle to Angle from there. Clearly, more holds need to be
pseudonyms for masturbation like that. Let's try it. Cena then tries jerkin' the gherkin (F-U) on Kurt, but Show
comes back in and flogs the bishop (Clips Cena's knee). Angle then tries to spank the monkey (German suplex Big Show),
but Show just ends up pounding the pud (hitting the arena floor). Kurt then turns his attention back to Cena,
and liquidates the inventory (applies the ankle-lock) and gets the orgasm (tap out).
Winner and #1 contender at Wrestlemania: Kurt Angle. Serves them both right
for wrestling the bald headed (Olympic) champ. (one more masturbation allegory for the road!).
(C)
Brock Lesnar w/ Here comes the Pain vs. Eddie Guerrero w/ there goes the Painkillers: WWE Title match.
According to pre-match vignette, Eddie said that he's always had to overcome
obstacles and battle his demons. He then told Brock that "the voices in his head" are now telling him that Lesnar is
his next obstacle. Voices? Damn. If this guy is hearing voices while he's sober, just how fucked up was this guy
on drugs then? Anyway, totally excellent match that was given a lot of time, and was actually not that
predictable, seeing how they *seemingly* got the Goldberg spot out of the way. Eddie plays the perfect "never say
die" babyface here, and Lesnar bumps like a maniac as well. One cool spot saw Brock catch an Eddie rana attempt,
and he just swings him around and lets him fly. Crazy shit.
Anyway, Lesnar ends up missing a charge, and appears to hurt
his knee. Eddie then proceeds to wear him down with a series of varying leglocks over the next 10 minutes, but Brock won't
tap out. Brock eventually gets the advantage, and applies some submissions of his own, but Eddie also won't give in. From
there, the match builds with excellent drama as an increasingly flustered Lesnar starts yelling "just die"
at Eddie repeatedly. Although, I'm convinced he just overheard Triple H yelling it out while watching an RVD/Chris Jericho
match, and just thought it'd be a cool thing to do. I could be wrong though....
Eddie regains the advantage soon there after, and Lesnar has a bloody nose.
THE ANIMAL HAS TASTED HIS OWN BLOOD...and it tastes like, umm, blood? Pretty much. Lesnar tries to charge Eddie in the corner
from there, but Eddie moves, and he goes for, and hits, the triple-verticals. Eddie then goes up top for the frog splash, but Lesnar moves and Eddie crashes and burns. Lesnar then looks to finish with his
F-5, but Eddie's leg catches the referee in the head in mid-move and he gets bumped. Brock has the cover, but there's
no referee. Lesnar then goes for the WWE Title to presumably use on Eddie, when a Homeless-looking Bill Goldberg has
RETURNED. And the hand-cuffs are broken! Man, he must be one of those homeless guys strung out on PCP. Homeless Bill then
spears Lesnar and leaves him for dead. As opposed to slitting his throat with a box-cutter then rolling his lifeless body
out of his boxcar like other hobos would. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIS TIN CANS ALONE, BROCK.
Goldberg then flees the scene, to presumably get a change of clothes, a warm bed and
a free bowl of soup backstage, and Eddie covers, as the referee comes to, but Lesnar kicks out at 2 3/4's. Eddie then
picks up the belt, and swings at Lesnar, but Brock ducks, and scoops him up for the F-5... but Eddie counters into
a mid-move DDT and drives Brock headfirst into the belt as well. Eddie then goes up and connects on the frogsplash. Brock
may not be a frog, (although he is dating someone amphibious-looking in Sable) but the splash finishes regardless, and Eddie
gets the win and the title!
After the match, Eddie embraces his family at ringside who came to see him win tonight.
Man, that must have been a mighty long swim from El Paso! Ah, I kid. Great moment and a new Champion!
Winner & NEW WWE Champion: Eddie Guerrero! He has finally climbed that mountain
and rightfully so. And he did it completely clean and sober. So, with that said, let us all drink a toast to Eddie
Guerrero! Ahem. Maybe that's not that good of an idea, after all....
End show.
FINAL THOUGHTS: This pay-per-view was headed for
a complete fucking nose-dive until Rey/Chavo, which was great; then from there it built beautifully to Eddie's
big moment. So, once again, THE MEXICANS SAVE THE DAY. Not only do they work harder than anyone for like no money,
but in this case, they made my money worth spending here tonight. Hats off (Sombrero's off?) to them. Great feel-good
ending here. Big Thumbs up. Even if I had to take a few kicks in the nuts (the first half of the card) to get there....
