WWE
NO WAY OUT
2004:(02/15/04)
Hey
there, PPV fans, and cheap
motherfuckers leeching off their friend's
generosity, and everyone else who accidentally
stumbled upon this page thinking it was porn, based
on my slew of disgusting sexual innuendo and bad
language; I'm your beloved party-meister
and host Sean Carless, and welcome to No Way
Out! LIVE from San Francisco California! Which as we all
know is openly regarded as the homosexual capital
of the World. No wonder Pat Patterson was a legend here!
It all makes sense now.
Your
hosts tonight are Michael Cole
and Tazz... who's apparently traded in being a
"Human Suplex Machine" in favor of being a
"Human Eating Machine"... if indeed his ever
increasing waistline is any indication. Poor
bastard. Sadly, the only thing he "chokes out"
nowadays is himself when he accidentally
swallows a chicken bone in an eating binge. Poor
Tazz. Normally, I'd
just make a joke about Michael Cole, but
sadly, mother nature already beat me to the punch there,
so it was kind of futile. Oh well.
The
show opens up with upcoming co-Playboy cover-girls
Sable & Torrie Wilson. Man. It's about time
these two prudes took off their clothes in Playboy!
I can't wait to see them naked! Oh
wait.
Anyway, Sable grabs the mic and speaks, but
the ultra high frequency of her voice causes heads to
explode across the country, and dogs to burst
through walls cartoon-style leaving exact body imprints.
Torrie then grabs the mic and also welcomes everyone to
the pay-per-view, informing us that the Smackdown
Superstars will do ANYTHING to entertain the
fans! They then back this up by...doing
absolutely nothing? OK, then. But hey, all
joking aside, I guess if you're going to bother to shoot
Sable nude again, now's the time. After all, at her
age, one more camera flash, and she could crumple into a
pile of burning embers. Kind of like a Vampire in
sunlight. Clearly, she made the right
choice.
The
Bashams & Shaniqua vs. (C) WORM/ASS (Rikishi
& Scotty 2 Hotty) WWE Tag team
Titles.
Huh.
I always wondered how long it would take to recapture
the *MAGIC* that was the handicap collision between
Demolition and Powers of Pain & Mr. Fuji at
Wrestlemania 5, and now I have my answer! Dear lord. For
the record, this match is for Scotty &
Rikishi's WWE tag team titles; but to my knowledge, The
Basham's titles of "Most boring human beings EVER"
are not at stake. Lucky them.
The
big story here is that Rikishi &
Scotty desperately want to get their hands on
Shaniqua. They might be the only men on earth who
can make this claim. No offense to Shaniqua or anything,
but after Chyna and Asya, I'm kind of soured on scary
looking he-she's. In fact, all that's left is for
Shaniqua to pick a geographical inspired name like her
predecessors and the circle will be complete. Afryca,
maybe? That sounds about right.
Anyway, Bashams dominate early, and
make the tag to Shaniqua who tries to PILEDRIVE Scotty 2
Hotty. Didn't she get Linda's memo? Not that it
matters, Scotty 2 Hotty's hair makes him impervious to
its effects anyway. Rikishi ends up making the save, and
comes in, and manhandles? womanhandles? both? neither?,
Shaniqua, and sets her up for the stink face, but
Doug makes the save with a HEADBUTT. Dude, have you
never watched wrestling in 50 years? YOU CANNOT HEADBUTT
A SAMOAN. The same goes for a black guy and a retard.
Hell, if only the Rock had down's syndrome! He'd be
completely unstoppable! From there, The Bashams
& Shaniqua continue to isolate Scotty, and she gets
a THUNDEROUS BODYSLAM, which Cole sells like Scotty was
just dropped from the fucking SEARS Towers. Come
on! She's 180 pounds, and maybe 6 feet tall!
Huh. I guess by this logic, if Kidman
slammed him, he'd have been tragically killed. Anyway,
Scotty, finally makes a hot tag to Rikishi, who comes in
a house of fire pancakes, and
dominates all three, umm, men, until getting a
hold of Shaniqua, delivering a Samoan Drop, and
finishing with the banzai splash which Cole
abhorrently calls the "Rump Shaker". Well, he's in
the right town for that handle
anyway.
Winners & STILL Champions:
Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty. Apparently, this is the
end of Shaniqua. She's being sent to OVW for retooling
(De-tooling?) Yup. God
speed.
/5
-Nidia
vs. Jamie Noble package. Just your ordinary story of boy
meets girl, girl gets blinded by deadly kool-aid,
boy exploits blind girl and uses her as a human shield,
blind girl gets vision back miraculously after
finally washing the bumbleberry red out of her
eyes... then betrays boy. She then gets revenge on
boy by feeding all of their possessions into a wood
chipper conveniently parked backstage for some strange
reason. (and thank god they never got a dog
together. Just saying). You know, that
same old story. Yup.
Jamie Noble vs.
Nidia w/o Kool-aid induced blindness: Blindfold
match.
Jamie is of course forced to wear a
blindfold here. You know, kind of like how he has
to when making love to Nidia. The story here is that
Noble cannot take off the hood or he'll be disqualified,
but honestly, I'm more interested and
somewhat mesmerized by Nidia's gigantic enhanced
chest. Obviously, Nidia
recently graduated from the Stephanie McMahon
school of ridiculously oversized titties. Man, would I
like to visit that campus sometime. Who knew when you go
blind, your tits grow two additional sizes? I think I'm
going to go give my girlfriend the Roddy Piper poke
to the eyes and see what
happens.
Anyway, Nidia taunts Noble, by kicking him
in the ass and making faces. Psychology clearly not
seen since the famous Flair/Steamboat series in
1989. From there, Noble almost grabs her breasts in
a go behind, and Cole sells it with disgust. OH DEAR
GOD, NO. HE TOUCHED HIS OWN GIRLFRIEND'S TITS. Stop this
madness and stop it now! Her counter though is to
reverse out and pull his pants down. Seriously. I
then get the visual of Patterson feverishly jotting down
notes, as Grenier tries to back out of the arena slowly
like Kool-aid man on Family Guy. Nidia then continues to
kick Noble in the ass, to the sheer delight of Michael
Cole, that fuck. It's right then I wonder if WWE
still has that wood chipper handy and if it
could indeed handle the body of Michael Cole. I'm
more than willing to put in the time to find out. The
end THANKFULLY comes after Noble ends up *cheating* by taking
off the hood briefly, so he could see where Nidia really
was. He then slams her off the top rope, then
chokes her out; which for the record is how most of my
relationships have ended. It's easier to sneak your
possessions out in the middle of the night after a
dragon sleeper. What can I
say.
Winner: Jamie Noble. God bless the
WWE. The only place a domestic squabble can end with one
spouse's head covered by a fucking pillow
case, and there not be an ensuing murder
trial.
/5
-Backstage, Kurt Angle is asked by Josh
Matthews, THE HARD-HITTING QUESTION of why he
attacked both Cena and Big Show on SmackDown the other
night. Ya, Kurt, why'd
you attack the guys you're going to face in a match
tonight? Don't you know that'd give you an advantage!!!!
Blargggh. Fucking WWE. That's like questioning a soldier
why he just shot at the enemy. Anyway, Cena
then interrupts and says if he's going to
attack, he'll do it to Kurt's face, then he hits him.
Man, if Cena's going to be a Rapper, he better learn to
be a little more subtle when he puts a hit down on a
rival. And I don't know about you, but I can't wait for
that first drive-by
Fu-ing...
Bacardi &
Cola (Haas & Benjamin) vs. A.P.A.;
For
the record, Bradshaw is selling the arm tonight, as
it's heavily bandaged. That's definitely going to make
it A LOT more difficult to pin rookies against the wall
in the shower room. Anyway, speaking of Bradshaw, it's
kind of hard to take him seriously as an ass kicker now
that he has a sensible conservative haircut. I
guess he figured he'd sell more copies of "Have More
Money Now" (Not to be confused with Paul Heyman's book
which is kind of the complete opposite of that) if he
didn't look like he just rolled off the farm
kickin' horse shit off his boots. After all, there
was a reason why The Beverly Hillbillies hired Mr.
Drysdale to handle their money. Silly,
Bradshaw. Texas hillbillies don't get to be
bankers! They just get to be
President!
Anyway, for the first time in
forever, Faarooq starts this thing, and soon after we
find out why that is the case. Dear god. Anyway,
Faarooq ends up hurting HIS arm soon after, and
Haas applies a hammer-lock that Tazz's points out is and
I quote, "Hammer-like". Had people try to rip your
arms off with hammers a lot there, Tazz? Man, Red Hook
is a tough neighborhood. Eventually, Faarooq makes his
comeback and hits a big spinebuster! And now a
powerbomb! FAAROOQ! FAAROOQ! FAAROOQ IS ON FIRE! HE
DON'T NEED NO WATER, LET THE MOTHERFUCKERS BURN. Hot tag
(ON FIRE) to Bradshaw soon after, and he folds Haas
with the Clothesline from Hell. Satan himself taught
Bradshaw this hold. Then he went and designed the Hell
in a Cell as a playground for his children! True
story. Anyway, in the ensuing chaos, Benjamin slips in
and parts Bradshaw's stylin' do with a superkick, which
should be renamed the SUPER-DUPER KICK in honor of he
and Charlie being the GREATEST IN THE
WORLD. Shelton then gets the pin. Wow. You'd
think working over both dudes arms for 10 minutes would
warrant an according finish, but Psychology along
with his good pal, Continuity, obviously stepped
out for a bit. They'll be back soon.
Hopefully.
Winners: WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM,
who'll hopefully win the belts from Worm Ass post haste
and then deposit Scotty &
Rikishi back into 2000 from whence they came.
(Scotty opened up a Worm-hole! It all makes sense
now!)
/5
-Goldberg comes
out and finally takes his seat at ringside. I
love how wrestlers never sit through the whole show, and
just show up half way through. Tells you all you need to
know about WWE pay-per-views lately when the talent
can't stomach a full three hours. Anyway, Paul Heyman then comes out. Heyman
tells Goldberg that he will just sit there tonight and
not interfere. Wait. What makes you think a guy who
doesn't work for this brand, and is
completely obsessed with getting to Brock Lesnar
would interfere? Oh. This brings out Brock, who calls
Goldberg out, and Bushy Bill hops the guard rail from
there, and destroys Brock with a jackhammer. Heyman then
has Goldberg arrested because he jumped the rail. He'd
have been allowed to stick around had he just ran
over Brock, or set him on fire, but you have to draw the
line somewhere, right? Ahem. Anyway, you kind have got
to laugh at the irony of Heyman supporting the giant
Aryan superman over a fellow Jew. But then
again, the more I think about it, the more I wonder
if Heyman really is Jewish. I mean, he
is completely terrible with money.
That's your red flag right
there....
-Lesnar is being helped to the back,
when HARDCORE HOLLY'S music hits and Brock is
apprehensive. After all, it took a mind boggling 6
minutes to defeat him completely clean at Royal Rumble
last month. Brock don't want no more of
that.
Rhyno vs.
Hardcore Holly;
Ah,
Bob Holly vs. the endangered Rhyno. I think for this
match, Holly should have put on an Elmer Fudd costume,
just so he could say, "Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting
Whynos". From there, I picture Holly going on full
safari, randomly DROPKICKING various endangered species
into oblivion. Before looking down on their carcasses
and yelling out "How do you like me now!" He then
flees the scene in a jeep with NASCAR logos all
over it before the wardens show up and arrest him for
poaching. That's right.
The
two put on a very slow paced match here (I had to shave
again by the time Holly made his comeback). But I
understand this was primarily due to a new office
mandate where wrestlers are expected to "tell a story".
I think you may have read this particular story.
It's called "Someone kill me now, this match sucks", and
it starts off with "Once upon a time, there were two
guys you don't give a shit about. And then they had
a tedious match". I'd give away the ending for
you, but it kinda involves you eating a shotgun barrel,
and I don't want to spoil it. Anyway, Rhyno ends up
hitting the GORE, but Holly tumbles to the floor and
almost gets counted out. However, he finds the reserve
to continue, channeling that fighting spirit that
allowed him to once go tit for tat with wrestling
plumber TL Hopper, and he rolls back in. He
then surprises Rhyno with an Alabama slam and gets the
win. Don't ever go to Alabama, you'll get slammed! I
once stopped there and asked for directions, and next
thing you know, I was hanging upside down over some
dudes shoulders. I pretty much blacked out from there.
Winner: Hardcore Holly and THE BEST
DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS, so don't bother even trying to
compete. It takes YEARS to master jumping into the air
then falling down. You just don't have it,
kid.
/5
Chavo Guerrero w/o Junior w/ Chavo
w/ Senior vs. (C)Rey Mysterio w/ Jorge Paez w/o
anybody knowing just who the fuck he is: Cruiserweight
Title.
The
story of this match is that Chavo has claimed that he
will not only win Rey-Rey's title, but he'll UNMASK him,
too. Man, I can't wait to see what Rey REALLY looks
like! And so do the millions of WCW fans from 1998-2001
who saw him unmasked every week on national
television. Ah, I kid. I love Rey, and I love his mask.
In fact, I'd love to know how he gets so much love for
wearing one, while I myself don't when I slip on
mine. Maybe it's because I'm also hiding in the
bushes? Maybe.
They
actually gave this one a lot of time which was
surprising. Jorge Paez is actually ejected from
ringside relatively early for knocking out Chavo Senior.
The irony of this whole situation is Chavo Senior looks
so much like Cheech Marin that I can just picture a
non-wrestling fan clicking onto this and not
understanding why this crazy Aztec is assaulting Cheech.
"Leave him alone! He only smoked a little pot! He never
hurt anybody!"
Anyway, back and forth match here. Both
men end up fighting on the top, and Chavo goes for Rey's
mask, but Rey fights him off, elbows out, and hits
a big moonsault press for two. Chavo then continues to
work the leg, getting a half crab that almost gets a
submission, but somehow,
Rey makes it to the ropes. Rey then rallies and
hits the 619, and looks to finish with the West-Coast
Pop, when someone jumpstarts Chavo's heart on the floor
and he reanimates (Jesus, what does he think this is, a
triple-threat match or something?) and pushes Rey off
the ropes as he springboards. No! What are
you doing, Cheech?! Whoever said
that marijuana doesn't induce violent behavior is a
damned dirty liar! *Ahem*. From there, Chavo jr. quickly makes the academic
pin. Yes, Academic. Funny, when I was in school, I
don't remember having to make pinfalls. Spelling and
math? Sure. Rollups? Not so
much.
Winner & NEW Cruiserweight
Champion: Chavo Junior! 2/3 Chavos agree that was a
great match. Even if we never did get to find out what
Rey really looked
like....
John Cena vs.
Kurt Angle vs. Big Show; # 1 contenders match.
The
Tale of the tape has one of John Cena's strengths listed
as "Doctor of Thuganomics". Dear god that's hilarious.
How in the fuck is that an advantage? Although, maybe it
is. There's more than a few rap songs out there
that would make me fucking tap out, so maybe I'm
wrong.
Anyway, the winner of this match
will meet the WWE Champion at Wrestlemania, as Angle and
Show look to regain the title, and Cena looks to win his
first, and make history as becoming the first
ever black WWE Champion. What? Why not? A
world where fucking Rodney Mack is classified as an
African American, is clearly a world where Cena can
also make the same boast. That's
right.
They do the usual three-way shtick
where there are only two in the ring while the other
lays on the floor for a ridiculously long time. Man, and
they didn't even get punched by Jorge Paez
first. Strange. Cena's knee is *injured* during the match,
but he does manage to execute an FU on Big Show anyway.
However, Angle is in to break up any attempt
at a pin. Got to love Pro Wrestling. The only place in
the world where you're encouraged to scoop up the
heaviest people possible and launch them through the
air. If only it was like this in real life. Go to a mall
and just start scoop slamming anyone over 300 pounds you
see. I GUARANTEE you that'd be the best deterrent
to obesity possible. BODYSLAM A FAT PERSON...TO
SAVE THEIR LIFE! Only in America! (because that's where
all that fat people are...). From there,
Angle hits the "Angle Slam"
(whose else would it be?) on Show but he kicks
out at two, showing the fire and reserve that has kept
him U.S. Champion for 5 straight months. That, and the
fact he's made only one title defense.
Yup.
From there,
Cena goes for an F-U on Angle, but he floats
over, and applies the ankle-lock, but Show breaks that
up with a chokeslam to Kurt. Cena then recovers
and rolls up Show (as much as you can roll up Big
Show) for a close 2. From there, Show
fires off a defensive Chokeslam on Cena, but Angle
pulls him off before the three. Angle then gets the
CANKLE LOCK on Big Show, but Cena makes the save.
Five-knuckle shuffle to Angle from there. Clearly, more
holds need to be pseudonyms for masturbation like that.
Let's try it. Cena then tries jerkin' the
gherkin (F-U) on Kurt, but Show comes back in and flogs
the bishop (Clips Cena's knee). Angle then tries to
spank the monkey (German suplex Big Show), but Show
just ends up pounding the pud (hitting the arena
floor). Kurt then turns his attention back to
Cena, and liquidates the inventory (applies the
ankle-lock) and gets the orgasm (tap
out).
Winner and #1 contender at
Wrestlemania: Kurt Angle. Serves them
both right for wrestling the bald headed
(Olympic) champ. (one more masturbation allegory
for the road!).
(C)
Brock
Lesnar w/ Here comes the Pain vs. Eddie Guerrero w/
there goes the Painkillers: WWE Title match.
According to pre-match vignette, Eddie said
that he's always had to overcome obstacles and
battle his demons. He then told Brock that "the voices
in his head" are now telling him that Lesnar is his
next obstacle. Voices? Damn. If this guy is
hearing voices while he's sober, just how fucked up was
this guy on drugs then? Anyway, totally excellent
match that was given a lot of time, and was actually not
that predictable, seeing how they *seemingly*
got the Goldberg spot out of the way. Eddie plays the
perfect "never say die" babyface here, and Lesnar bumps
like a maniac as well. One cool spot saw Brock
catch an Eddie rana attempt, and he just
swings him around and lets him fly. Crazy shit.
Anyway, Lesnar ends up missing a charge, and
appears to hurt his knee. Eddie then proceeds to wear
him down with a series of varying leglocks over the next
10 minutes, but Brock won't tap out. Brock eventually
gets the advantage, and applies some submissions of his
own, but Eddie also won't give in. From there, the match
builds with excellent drama as an increasingly flustered
Lesnar starts yelling "just die" at Eddie repeatedly.
Although, I'm convinced he just overheard Triple H
yelling it out while watching an RVD/Chris Jericho
match, and just thought it'd be a cool thing to
do. I could be wrong
though....
Eddie regains the advantage soon
there after, and Lesnar has a bloody nose. THE ANIMAL
HAS TASTED HIS OWN BLOOD...and it tastes like, umm,
blood? Pretty much. Lesnar tries to charge Eddie in the
corner from there, but Eddie moves, and he goes for, and
hits, the triple-verticals. Eddie then goes
up top for the frog
splash, but Lesnar moves and Eddie crashes and
burns. Lesnar then looks to finish with his
F-5, but Eddie's leg catches the referee in the head in
mid-move and he gets bumped. Brock has the cover,
but there's no referee. Lesnar then goes for the WWE
Title to presumably use on Eddie, when a
Homeless-looking Bill Goldberg has RETURNED. And the
hand-cuffs are broken! Man, he must be one of those
homeless guys strung out on PCP. Homeless Bill then
spears Lesnar and leaves him for dead. As opposed to
slitting his throat with a box-cutter then rolling his
lifeless body out of his boxcar like other hobos would.
YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIS TIN CANS ALONE,
BROCK.
Goldberg then flees the scene, to
presumably get a change of clothes, a warm bed and a
free bowl of soup backstage, and Eddie covers, as the
referee comes to, but Lesnar kicks out at 2 3/4's.
Eddie then picks up the belt, and swings at Lesnar,
but Brock ducks, and scoops him up for the
F-5... but Eddie counters into a mid-move DDT and drives
Brock headfirst into the belt as well. Eddie then goes
up and connects on the frogsplash. Brock may not be a
frog, (although he is dating someone amphibious-looking
in Sable) but the splash finishes regardless, and Eddie
gets the win and the title!
After the match, Eddie embraces his
family at ringside who came to see him win tonight. Man,
that must have been a mighty long swim from El
Paso! Ah, I kid. Great moment and a new Champion!
Winner & NEW WWE Champion: Eddie
Guerrero! He has finally climbed that mountain and
rightfully so. And he did it completely clean and
sober. So, with that said, let us all drink a toast to
Eddie Guerrero! Ahem. Maybe that's not that good of an
idea, after all....
End
show.
FINAL
THOUGHTS: This pay-per-view was headed for a
complete fucking nose-dive until Rey/Chavo, which was
great; then from there it built
beautifully to Eddie's big moment. So, once again,
THE MEXICANS SAVE THE DAY. Not only do they work
harder than anyone for like no money, but in this
case, they made my money worth spending here
tonight. Hats off (Sombrero's off?) to them. Great
feel-good ending here. Big Thumbs up. Even if I had to
take a few kicks in the nuts (the first half of the
card) to get
there....
