Welcome
to No Mercy, the pay-per-view that cares not for your feelings or well being. And speaking of having No Mercy, Cobra Kai used
to like to always say that mercy was for the weak. Well, until Mr. Miyagi showed
them the error of their ways through the awesome unadulterated power of sportsmanship and his
discipline of traditional Karate! Traditional Karate that included convincing Daniel San that he could actually learn
to fight by waxing his car and painting his fucking house. In fact, Mr. Miyagi sounds like every other old person I've ever
met. Always trying to squeeze as many fucking thankless chores as they can out of you.
Anyway, if you weren't
born before 1985, you probably have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, in probably the most ridiculous segue into
a Rant ever…. so we’ll just go ahead and move on…
No Mercy
comes to us tonight from (somewhereiforgot) New Jersey! And it comes to me from my local theater.
So, unlike usual, (ya right) I wasn’t able to take notes, so I may miss a few minor details. However, what I didn’t
miss was my crotch, with a buttery bag of theater popcorn that unfortunately allowed me to exit said theater looking
as if I enjoyed the matches just a little too much…
Anyhoo,
onto the show!
Eddie Guerrero vs. Luther Reigns w/ Mark Jindrak w/ INCREDIBLY IMPRESSIVE VERTICAL LEAP!!!!!1111
Poor Eddie,
main eventing the last Brand exclusive SD PPV, then demoted to opener for the next? You’d think he snapped and attacked
a wrestler backstage or something. Oh wait.
Anyhoo,
what you have here is the classic battle of Eddie’s lying, cheating and stealing versus Luther’s lying…..on
the ground bleeding to death? Man. I mean, according to WWE, Reigns was once shot, stabbed and even had his throat
cut. Geez, how tough is it in OVW?....
With that
said, this match was very decent, and I’ll take a stab in the dark (har har) and say that Luther could be a breakout
star if marketed right. He has a good look, a nice flashy finish, and was called Horshu (which for the record he must have
had up his ass to survive all that shit) which is either the greatest name in wrestling history, or the worst. I haven't quite
decided.
For what it's worth (not much if you ask me), Mark
Jindrak accompanied Luther to the ring in this one, and even got involved on several occasions, chomping at the bit to,
umm, leap over something? I don't know. Anyway, towards the end of the match, Eddie goes out to the floor looking for
an “assist”, and ended up grabbing a nightstick from a cop at ringside. Although, if you’re
going to go ahead and steal an object from a cop to use in your match, why not just take his gun? Oh ya, I forgot,
that doesn’t work on Luther apparently. From there, Eddie stuffs the club in his boot and creates a distraction by bringing
a chair into the ring. Jindrak ends up eating the chair after a miscommunication, and Guerrero dropkicks Reigns,
and heads up for the frogsplash... but Luther moves. Eddie, however is able to retrieve the baton from his boot as the
referee was disposing of the chair that was still in the ring, and used it on Luther. Eddie then headed up again and
finally finished with the frogsplash, which of course just proves one thing: Frog
splash>knives and guns. Clearly.
Winner: Eddie Guerrero;
/5
-Backstage, Josh Matthews questions Dawn Marie on her claims of having a "relationship" with Charlie
Haas, but she instead chooses to confront Miss Jackie in her dressing room…that reveals her to be topless. But seriously, what’s the chance that a diva would be changing her bra
every time someone barges into their locker room? Believe me, I kick open doors
all the time and it never happens…..
Anyway, Dawn tells Jackie (who has her arms covering her chest) that Haas really loves her and that their engagement is a sham. At this point, the dude sitting in front of me in the theater yells
out to Jackie: “slap her!” which would have of course caused her tits to come spilling out. God I love these people.
(C)
Evil “Spock” Dudley w/ nefarious
facial hair and The Dudley Boyz vs. Nunzio w/ a job still. (Hey, just saying): Cruiserweight Title match.
The bushier Spike's beard gets, the more rotten and evil he apparently becomes. And if we are to believe Star Trek
(and how could we not) clearly, this Spike is a doppelganger from a parallel universe. Ridiculously unrealistic 1960's
Sci-Fi doesn't lie people. Anyway, the crowd at first didn’t seem to know what to do with this match, as a lot of people probably had
no idea that Nunzio is a face now. However, even more were probably wondering why a Mafioso had "FBI" written on his
tights. That shit'll get you a trip on the Stugots. Just ask Big Pussy (not Kevin Nash).
Anyway, this match was very good with a great contrast to the usual highspot laden cruiserweight matches. Both
men instead chose to have a mat wrestling match, and this in particular is where Nunzio has always shined.
With that said, after a lot of near falls by Nunzio, the Dudley Boyz (who were in Spike’s corner) get
involved and trip Nunzio up. As the referee is distracted with D-Von, Bubba grabs Nunzio’s legs and pulls him crotch
first into the post, allowing Evil Spike to get the cheap win. Good match.
Winner: Spike Dudley, whose goatee is no doubt compelling him to engage in mortal
combat with Captain James T. Kirk. Da da doo, doo doo, doo,doo,doo da da doo doo! Bwwwaaaaagh! Bwwwwaaaagh!
/5
-We see a flashback of Undertaker defeating HOLLYWOOD Hogan (as he's called
here) for the “WWE” title in 1991. Sheesh, just pay Marvel you cheap fucks. By this rate, half of WWE's library
will look like one of those fucking distorted America's Most Wanted videos.
Paul London w/ shooting star press vs. Billy Kidman w/ shooting star press (well, kinda)
The Mega-Powers Mid-carders
EXPLODE!!!!! Wait, two cruiserweight matches on one PPV? What is going on here? I believe
in Revelations that's one of the signs of the apocalypse. (along with the ocean's turning to blood, and a JBL extended
title reign).
Anyhoo, Billy comes to the ring wearing arguably the gayest ring jacket in modern recorded wrestling history.
But I guess it’s all good, 'cause when you get to park your genitals in Torrie Wilson anytime you want, well, you don’t
have to worry about explaining yourself to anyone. With that said, this was a FANTASTIC match, I must say, and just proves how
truly talented London is. And it looks like WWE has finally
realized that, as they gave these two more than the usual 5 minute slot.
The story in this one was that Billy Kidman is only wrestling because he was forced to by Teddy Long.
(whom for the record is really starting to resemble one of the Goombas from the live action Super Mario movies these days
with his huge suits and tiny head). Anyway, very even match here as both men go back and forth. London is in control eventually, but unfortunately
tries to powerbomb Kidman, which as we wrestling historians know is IMPOSSIBLE. (see catching Owen Hart's foot and trying
to tombstone The Undertaker). From there, Kidman looks to finish with the SSP but jumps down and looks like he'll walk
out, but ultimately, he returns to the ring before he can be counted out. However, just as Kidman enters the ring, a
recovered London executes a stiff superkick, and attempts a SSP of his own…but
Billy gets the knees up, then finally hits his sloppy version for the win.
After the match, Kidman gets on the mic and blames us for the shooting star press. You
hear that, people? IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT KIDMAN NEVER LEARNED HOW TO EXECUTE THIS MOVE PROPERLY. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
In the meantime, London is strapped to a gurney (and as we all know, it's always best when you have broken ribs and or/ internal
injuries to wrap constricting straps around said injury...). Kidman then takes it upon himself to deliver another shooting
star flop to the helpless London. I used to do the same thing when I'd do volunteer work at the hospital. Ya, I'm kinda not
allowed back. Go figure.
Winner: Billy Kidman. He may not have his pants, his wife beater or even one onscreen moment WITH HIS
OWN WIFE in this company to his credit, but damn it, he'll always have this moment. I find solace in that. That
and the bowl I just smoked. Seriously.
/5
-They show Undertaker defeating (P)Sycho Sid for his 2nd “WWE” Title at Wrestlemania
13. Thankfully, they cut out the part where Sid shits his pants (which really happened). Hey, betcha could have used that
squeegee then, huh Sid?...
-Josh Matthews interviews JBL backstage….in the shower room no less! (seriously). Wow, he’s a much
braver man, than I.
Anyway, JBL looks like he’s going to “guarantee” victory tonight, but changes his mind, and
instead opts to say Undertaker will win the title over “his dead body”. Gee, you promise?
(C)Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree
vs. My favorite combination of Marijuana and Mexicans since the Cheech and Chong films: Rob Van Dam & Rey Mysterio!
WWE Tag team Titles at stake;
Before
the match, Kenzo grabs the mic and does some karaoke for us all to "Born in the USA" by New Jersey native, umm,"Bluce
Splingsteen"?
With that
said, this one tended to be a little spot heavy at times, but surprisingly decent. I’m really digging this RVD/Mysterio
tandem. In fact, I spent the last two hours trying to come up with a name for a collective finisher for this
high flying duo that would suit both their personalities. The best I could come up with was "Dropping the Dimebag". Makes
sense to me. Anyway, Mysterio is
your tiny luchador in peril here until he makes a hot (box) tag to RVD, and they then begin to unload their “spotastic”
tandem offense, including Mysterio eventually flying in with his seated senton onto Dupree. Thank god the roles weren't
reversed with Dupree here or Rey would have been blinded forever. From there, Rolling thunder (papers?) to Dupree by RVD! Rolling kick to the bronze
warrior, Kenzo Suzuki by the umm, Acapulco Gold warrior, Rob Van Dam! 619 to Kenzo
by Mysterio! Mysterio then looks to drop the dime on the fallen Kenzo, when Dupree trips him off the top and Kenzo
rolls him up for the pin with an assist from the ropes. That dick! (no pun intended. OK, I lied. Pun intended.).
Winners: Dupree & Kenzo. Now all they have to do is find a matching pair of long heavy slacks for Dupree. Dear lord. But hats off (pants off?) to him. Despite most of the blood
in his body being relocated to one area, Dupree still manages to have enough in his brain left to be a thinking man's
wrestler.
/5
-We get
a replay of the sordid Kurt Angle/Big Show storyline, including the “haircut” scene where the screen is slightly
blurred and Kurt Angle’s voice is distorted. This always strikes me funny because I imagine this is how the world appears
through the eyes of Rob Van Dam. Anyhoo, we also get to hear Cole once again insist that Show’s HAIRCUT was
and I quote, “raping his dignity”; which I’d imagine wouldn’t be atop Supercuts list of marketable
catchphrases. Just saying.
Kurt Angle vs. The Big Show w/ raped dignity.
(Well it's
the) Big Show debuts his bald head that kind of makes him resemble a morbidly obese Steve Austin. A Steve Austin who
likely prefers to put away cans of turkey gravy as opposed to Steveweisers, but still. Anyway, from the onset, Show is
in control of the match, and continuously man-handles Kurt. Eventually, though, Angle takes a powder and gets purposely counted
out. This brings out Teddy Long, who then tells Kurt that the match must continue…or
he’ll be fired. Oh noes! Fired from a brand where he was thrown seemingly to his death by the man he's now WRESTLING?
What a head scratcher!
Anyway,
back inside, Angle counters a Big Show attempted chokeslam into an ankle lock (cankle lock?), but Show eventually kicks him
off. Angle gets desperate at this point, and goes outside to retrieve a TRANQUILIZER GUN, which of course is commonplace
at all sporting events. I mean, you just wait until animals start pouring into the arena like fucking Jumanji! You'll
be happy they have it then! Wait, what the fuck was I talking about again? Anyway, Show recovers the gun from Angle and
breaks it over his knee. Show then, back on offense, hits the Allyoop powerbomb (well, SmackDown HCTP called it that) and
finishes Kurt with a super chokeslam, that saw Show deliver the hold while Angle was standing on the top rope.
Winner:
Big Show. Now if you don't mind, I'm getting a little shaggy;I think I'll pop into the hairdressers and get my dignity raped.
/5
-Carlito
is coming next week… and he spits in the faces of people who don't want to be cool. Glad to see I’m not the only
one.
John
Cena vs. Booker T. 5th match, Best of 5 Series. U.S.
Title at stake;
You know,
I guess calling a match "a worst of five series" wouldn't really sell tickets; but I'll be damned if this wasn't the
least interesting Best of (whatever) series ever. But hey, I guess we should just be happy that we're going to have a
U.S. Champion again. Since it's inception over a year and a half ago, this fucking title's seen less action than a Star Wars
fan in a homemade storm trooper costume. Dear lord. It's just a shame Booker doesn't still have that voodoo gimmick
he was rocking earlier this year. He could have just stuck a doll with a bunch of pins to the floor, then made an easy cover.
But then again, if Cena is a REAL RAPPER, he'd still no sell it. After all, if having a your body riddled with
holes didn't fucking stop 50 Cent, clearly straight O.G. Cena will be A-OK as well.
Anyway,
one would assume that Cena would lose this match, if only because he is amidst making a movie
that certainly won’t be going straight to video (once he's had simulated sex with Shannon Tweed, he'll have REALLY made
it!), but unfortunately, “one” would apparently be an idiot because the complete fucking opposite happened.
[Sean's
note from 2007: Turns out Cena's movie did better than I thought. And the irony is Cena showed better workrate in the movie
then he does in real life! Clearly, his in-ring repertoire needs more exploding gas station-induced mid-air
chokeslams. Clearly.].
Anyway,
this was a decent match, that at least had some intrigue to it, because unlike their one at Summer Slam, it actually mattered
who won this. One awkward spot in the match saw a botched cross body block roll-through by Book, but thankfully both men had
the presence of mind to abort it, and adlib a pinning spot. From there, the match carries on pretty even, until Cena regains the offense off a clothesline,
followed up by a bulldog, then finally the five knuckle shuffle for a close two count. Cena then signals for the FU, but Book
slides out and hits the Bookend for another two. Booker, now frustrated, looks to bring a chair into the ring,
but the referee tells him if he does, Cena will win. Booker T. begrudgingly agrees to put it down, and once back inside, BOOKER'S
RUNNING WITH SCISSORS KICK, but Cena ducks out, allowing him to score with a quick FU to win the title.
Winner
and new United States Champion: John Cena; The Doctor of Thuganomics, a degree he received at the same institution that educated
the feet of Rob Van Dam. Originally, Cena wanted to major in "thuggin' and buggin" but unfortunately
didn't have the grades for it. Oh well.
/5
-We then
see a clip of Undertaker winning his 3rd “WWE” title from Steve Austin, this time at Over The Edge’99,
a pay-per-view best known for one of the biggest tragedies in wrestling history. Nicole Bass attempting to wrestle. What?
The
Sexuals (Homo, Metro & Very) better known as Rico, Charlie Haas, & Miss Jackie vs. The Dudleys & Dawn
Marie;
As I've mentioned before, with his hair and bushy sideburns, Rico is starting to really resemble Wolverine.
That is if Logan discarded his barbaric back-wood survival
instincts, became sexually “curious”, learned to embrace the joys of hanging out at juice bars, and draping himself
in colors named after various fruits. But don't even try to hurt him. It's of no use. HIS BONES ARE LACED WITH FABULOUSNESS~!
This match
was very entertaining, as Bubba Dudley just may have the best physical comic timing that I’ve ever seen from a wrestler.
His selling of Rico’s come-ons were hilarious, and at one point, he actually abandoned his team, only to return a little
later. Anyway, Jackie eventually makes the Hot (as in smoking) tag, and takes it to Dawn. My hopes that it would break down
into girl on girl porn with oils, toys and perhaps a children's swimming pool filled with Kielbasas never occurred, as they
instead chose to just "wrestle" instead. Oh well. Anyhoo, the women spill to the outside, and D-Von and Bubba set up
Haas for a "whazzzzup!" headbutt, but Rico breaks that up by just cupping D-Von's junk (good luck winning that "Wrestling
isn't gay" argument now) allowing Haas to recover, dispose of Bubba, double team D-Von, and allow Rico to hit a picture perfect moonsault for the win.
Winners: Hass, Rico, Miss Jackie, and us all.
/5
-Undertaker
vs. JBL package. HIJINX galore. JBL brings back the Ministry! Kind of! A dude who sucks blood and another who just
sucks, Gangrel & Viscera attack the Undertaker! BETRAYAL. And then Undertaker gets "even" by tying Orlando Jordan
to a cross err, I MEAN SYMBOL. Nothing offensive about that! Hey, I’ve seen Mississippi Burning a few times, and I got to say, is having a redneck tying a black man to a cross really the best
idea ever?
(C)JBL vs. The Undertaker:
Last Ride Match (A.K.A. “A way I don’t have to do a real job match”) WWE Title at stake;
Michael Cole hilariously
insists that this type of match has never been done before. And he’s right… no one in WWE History has ever
had a match that could only end when you throw them in the back of a vehicle….especially not an Ambulance….and
definitely not at Survivor Series last year… Hey! Next month, I heard they’ll “Debut” wrestling’s most unforgiving and UNIQUE match
concept: “Heck in a cage”! IT'LL BE AWESOME.
Moving on. The crowd
didn’t seem to know what to do with this match for the first half, and personally I chalk that up to the fans really
just wanting to see Undertaker do his classic deadman spots, and not knowing what to make of a zombie using UFC
holds (Undead fighting Championship?). Thankfully though, this match is spared
when JBL and Taker take it to the floor. From there, Bradshaw dies for our sins, taking three of the most intense bumps of
his WWE career. The first being a huge elevated back body drop to the floor while Taker was standing on the steel stairs.
The 2nd being Taker tombstone piledriving JBL onto said stairs; and finally, a HUGE table to table chokeslam outside
the ring.
At this point, Taker
fireman carries JBL’s lifeless body (and who better to be a fireman than a dude who can constantly resuscitate himself
and is apparently impervious to fire!) to where the hearse is parked, and opens the door…and SURPRISE~! here’s
Heidenreich! And I don’t know what’s more disturbing, Heidenreich hiding in the back all this time, or that he’s
doing all this carnage while only wearing the smallest pair of red underwear in the Universe. Damn, you’d think that
intricately planning someone’s demise would be a pants wearing occasion. Guess I was wrong.
Anyway, Heidenreich
smothers out Undertaker with some ether (Wow, ether and tranquilizers in the same
night? Someone must have been rummaging through Bradshaw’s bag!). From there, Heidenreich then throws Taker into
the hearse, and slams the door and the car begins to drive away, when….we get a shot of Undertaker coming to and sitting
up! Yet, I’m more curious to know how the camera man got into that car….
Taker makes his comeback
from there, and takes it to Heidenreich, when JBL explodes out of nowhere with the Clothesline from Hell, and Taker gets
put back in the hearse and this time, this one is history. For the record though, if this match has taught us anything, for
you medical buffs out there, obviously, the best way to make sure your patients stay unconscious is to just clothesline
them. Ether is USELESS.
After the match, JBL
grabs the mic, and proclaims to the audience that you should never bet against him. We then cut away to see the hearse, and
Paul Heyman climbs out of the driver's side, revealing himself to be the wheel man (he’s even wearing a chauffeur hat…which
I don’t understand. If you’re a hearse driver, why worry about a dress code at all? After all, it’s not
like the clientele is going to complain). Anyhoo, after
we see Heyman get out of the hearse, we see Heidenreich get behind the wheel of a Hummer, and proceed to drive it full-force
into the side of the hearse, as I yell out: “Damn there’s a human being in there!!!” in my best
JR voice. People then tell me to shut the fuck up, and I die a little inside.
