Welcome to No
Mercy, the pay-per-view that cares not for your feelings
or well being. And speaking of having No Mercy, Cobra
Kai used to like to always say that mercy was for the
weak. Well,
until Mr. Miyagi showed them the error of their ways
through the awesome unadulterated power of sportsmanship
and his
discipline of traditional Karate! Traditional
Karate that included convincing Daniel San that he
could actually learn to fight by waxing his car and
painting his fucking house. In fact, Mr. Miyagi sounds
like every other old person I've ever met. Always trying
to squeeze as many fucking thankless
chores as they can out of
you.
Anyway, if
you weren't born before 1985, you probably have no idea
what the hell I’m talking about, in probably the most
ridiculous segue into a Rant ever…. so we’ll just go
ahead and move
on…
No Mercy
comes to us tonight from
(somewhereiforgot)New
Jersey! And it comes to me from
my local theater. So, unlike usual, (ya right) I wasn’t
able to take notes, so I may miss a few minor details.
However, what I didn’t miss was my crotch, with a
buttery bag of theater popcorn that unfortunately
allowed me to exit said theater looking as if I
enjoyed the matches just a little too
much…
Anyhoo,
onto the
show!
Eddie Guerrero vs. Luther Reigns w/
Mark Jindrak w/ INCREDIBLY IMPRESSIVE VERTICAL
LEAP!!!!!1111
Poor Eddie, main
eventing the last Brand exclusive SD PPV, then demoted
to opener for the next? You’d think he snapped and
attacked a wrestler backstage or something.
Oh
wait.
Anyhoo,
what you have here is the classic battle of Eddie’s
lying, cheating and stealing versus Luther’s
lying…..on the ground bleeding to death? Man. I
mean, according to WWE, Reigns was once shot,
stabbed and even had his throat cut. Geez, how tough is
it in
OVW?....
With that said,
this match was very decent, and I’ll take a stab in the
dark (har har) and say that Luther could be a breakout
star if marketed right. He has a good look, a nice
flashy finish, and was called Horshu (which for the
record he must have had up his ass to survive all that
shit) which is either the greatest name in wrestling
history, or the worst. I haven't quite
decided.
For what it's worth (not much
if you ask me), Mark Jindrak accompanied Luther to the
ring in this one, and even got involved on several
occasions, chomping at the bit to, umm, leap over
something? I don't know. Anyway, towards the end of
the match, Eddie goes out to the floor looking for an
“assist”, and ended up grabbing a nightstick from a cop
at ringside. Although, if you’re
going to go ahead and steal an object from a cop to
use in your match, why not just take his gun? Oh
ya, I forgot, that doesn’t work on Luther apparently.
From there, Eddie stuffs the club in his boot and
creates a distraction by bringing a chair into the ring.
Jindrak ends up eating the chair after a
miscommunication, and Guerrero dropkicks
Reigns, and heads up for the frogsplash... but Luther
moves. Eddie, however is able to retrieve the baton from
his boot as the referee was disposing of the chair
that was still in the ring, and used it on Luther. Eddie
then headed up again and finally finished with the
frogsplash, which of course just proves one thing: Frog
splash>knives and guns. Clearly.
Winner: Eddie
Guerrero;
/5
-Backstage,
Josh Matthews questions Dawn Marie on her claims of
having a "relationship" with Charlie Haas, but she
instead chooses to confront Miss Jackie in her
dressing room…that reveals her to be topless. But seriously,
what’s the chance that a diva would be changing her
bra every time someone barges into their locker
room?
Believe me, I kick open doors all the time and it
never
happens…..
Anyway,
Dawn tells Jackie (who has her arms covering her chest)
that Haas really loves her and that
their engagement is a sham. At this point, the dude
sitting in front of me in the theater yells out to
Jackie: “slap her!” which would have of course caused
her tits to come spilling out. God I love these
people.
(C)
Evil
“Spock”
Dudley w/ nefarious facial hair and The
Dudley Boyz vs. Nunzio w/ a job still. (Hey, just
saying): Cruiserweight Title
match.
The bushier Spike's beard
gets, the more rotten and evil he apparently
becomes. And if we are to believe Star Trek (and
how could we not) clearly, this Spike is a doppelganger
from a parallel universe. Ridiculously unrealistic
1960's Sci-Fi doesn't lie people. Anyway, the crowd at
first didn’t seem to know what to do with this match, as
a lot of people probably had no idea that Nunzio is a
face now. However, even more were probably wondering why
a Mafioso had "FBI" written on his tights. That
shit'll get you a trip on the Stugots. Just ask Big
Pussy (not Kevin Nash).
Anyway,
this match was very good with a great contrast to the
usual highspot laden cruiserweight matches. Both men
instead chose to have a mat wrestling match, and this in
particular is where Nunzio has always shined.
With that said,
after a lot of near falls by Nunzio, the Dudley Boyz
(who were in Spike’s corner) get involved and trip
Nunzio up. As the referee is distracted with D-Von,
Bubba grabs Nunzio’s legs and pulls him crotch first
into the post, allowing Evil Spike to get the cheap win.
Good match.
Winner:
Spike Dudley, whose goatee is no
doubt compelling him to engage in mortal combat
with Captain James T.
Kirk. Da da doo, doo doo,
doo,doo,doo da da doo doo! Bwwwaaaaagh!
Bwwwwaaaagh!
/5
-We see a
flashback of Undertaker defeating HOLLYWOOD Hogan (as he's called
here) for the “WWE” title in 1991. Sheesh, just pay
Marvel you cheap fucks. By this rate, half of WWE's
library will look like one of those fucking distorted
America's Most Wanted
videos.
Paul London w/ shooting
star press vs. Billy Kidman w/ shooting star press
(well, kinda)
The
Mega-Powers Mid-carders
EXPLODE!!!!! Wait, two cruiserweight
matches on one PPV? What is going on here? I believe in
Revelations that's one of the signs of the apocalypse.
(along with the ocean's turning to blood, and a JBL
extended title
reign).
Anyhoo, Billy comes to
the ring wearing arguably the gayest ring jacket in
modern recorded wrestling history. But I guess it’s all
good, 'cause when you get to park your genitals in
Torrie Wilson anytime you want, well, you don’t have to
worry about explaining yourself to anyone. With that
said, this was a FANTASTIC match, I must say, and just
proves how truly talented London is. And it looks like
WWE has finally realized that, as they gave these two
more than the usual 5 minute
slot.
The story in this one
was that Billy Kidman is only wrestling because he was
forced to by Teddy Long. (whom for the record is really
starting to resemble one of the Goombas from the live
action Super Mario movies these days with his huge suits
and tiny head). Anyway, very even match here as both men
go back and forth. London is in control eventually, but
unfortunately tries to powerbomb Kidman, which as we
wrestling historians know is IMPOSSIBLE. (see catching
Owen Hart's foot and trying to tombstone The
Undertaker). From there, Kidman looks to finish
with the SSP but jumps down and looks like he'll walk
out, but ultimately, he returns to the ring before he
can be counted out. However, just as Kidman enters the
ring, a recovered London executes a stiff superkick, and
attempts a SSP of his own…but Billy gets the knees up,
then finally hits his sloppy version for the win.
After the
match, Kidman gets on the mic and blames us for the
shooting star press. You hear that, people? IT'S ALL
YOUR FAULT KIDMAN NEVER LEARNED HOW TO EXECUTE THIS MOVE
PROPERLY. You should be ashamed of yourselves. In the
meantime, London is strapped to a gurney (and as we all
know, it's always best when you have broken ribs and or/
internal injuries to wrap constricting straps around
said injury...). Kidman then takes it upon himself to
deliver another shooting star flop to the helpless
London. I used to do the same thing when I'd do
volunteer work at the hospital. Ya, I'm kinda not
allowed back. Go
figure.
Winner: Billy
Kidman. He may not have his pants, his wife beater
or even one onscreen moment WITH HIS OWN WIFE in
this company to his credit, but damn it, he'll
always have this moment. I find solace in that. That and
the bowl I just smoked.
Seriously.
/5
-They show
Undertaker defeating (P)Sycho Sid for his 2nd
“WWE” Title at Wrestlemania 13. Thankfully, they cut out
the part where Sid shits his pants (which really
happened). Hey, betcha could have used that squeegee
then, huh
Sid?...
-Josh
Matthews interviews JBL backstage….in the shower room no
less! (seriously). Wow, he’s a much braver man, than I.
Anyway, JBL
looks like he’s going to “guarantee” victory tonight,
but changes his mind, and instead opts to say Undertaker
will win the title over “his dead body”. Gee, you
promise?
(C)Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree vs. My
favorite combination of Marijuana and Mexicans
since the Cheech and Chong films: Rob Van Dam & Rey
Mysterio! WWE Tag team Titles at
stake;
Before the
match, Kenzo grabs the mic and does some karaoke for us
all to "Born in the USA" by New Jersey native,
umm,"Bluce Splingsteen"?
With that said, this one
tended to be a little spot heavy at times, but
surprisingly decent. I’m really digging this
RVD/Mysterio tandem. In fact, I spent the last two hours
trying to come up with a name for a collective finisher
for this high flying duo that would suit both their
personalities. The best I could come up with was
"Dropping the Dimebag". Makes sense to me. Anyway,
Mysterio is your tiny luchador in peril here until he
makes a hot (box) tag to RVD, and they then begin to
unload their “spotastic” tandem offense, including
Mysterio eventually flying in with his seated senton
onto Dupree. Thank god the roles weren't reversed with
Dupree here or Rey would have been blinded forever. From
there, Rolling thunder (papers?) to Dupree by RVD!
Rolling kick to the bronze warrior, Kenzo Suzuki by the
umm, Acapulco Gold warrior, Rob Van Dam! 619 to Kenzo by
Mysterio! Mysterio then looks to drop the dime on the
fallen Kenzo, when Dupree trips him off the top and
Kenzo rolls him up for the pin with an assist from the
ropes. That dick! (no pun intended. OK, I lied. Pun
intended.).
Winners:
Dupree & Kenzo. Now all they have
to do is find a matching pair of long heavy slacks
for Dupree. Dear lord. But hats off (pants off?) to
him. Despite most of the blood in his body being
relocated to one area, Dupree still manages to have
enough in his brain left to be a thinking man's
wrestler.
/5
-We get a
replay of the sordid Kurt Angle/Big Show storyline,
including the “haircut” scene where the screen is
slightly blurred and Kurt Angle’s voice is distorted.
This always strikes me funny because I imagine this is
how the world appears through the eyes of Rob Van Dam.
Anyhoo, we also get to hear Cole once again
insist that Show’s HAIRCUT was and I quote, “raping
his dignity”; which I’d imagine wouldn’t be atop
Supercuts list of marketable catchphrases. Just
saying.
Kurt Angle vs. The Big Show w/
raped dignity.
(Well it's the)
Big Show debuts his bald head that kind of makes him
resemble a morbidly obese Steve Austin. A Steve
Austin who likely prefers to put away cans of
turkey gravy as opposed to Steveweisers, but still.
Anyway, from the onset, Show is in control of the match,
and continuously man-handles Kurt. Eventually, though,
Angle takes a powder and gets purposely counted out.
This brings out Teddy Long, who then tells Kurt
that the match must continue…or he’ll be fired.
Oh noes! Fired from a brand where he was thrown
seemingly to his death by the man he's now WRESTLING?
What a head scratcher!
Anyway,
back inside, Angle counters a Big Show attempted
chokeslam into an ankle lock (cankle lock?), but Show
eventually kicks him off. Angle gets desperate at this
point, and goes outside to retrieve a TRANQUILIZER
GUN, which of course is commonplace at all sporting
events. I mean, you just wait until animals
start pouring into the arena like fucking Jumanji!
You'll be happy they have it then! Wait, what the fuck
was I talking about again? Anyway, Show recovers
the gun from Angle and breaks it over his knee.
Show then, back on offense, hits the Allyoop powerbomb
(well, SmackDown HCTP called it that) and finishes Kurt
with a super chokeslam, that saw Show deliver the hold
while Angle was standing on the top rope.
Winner: Big
Show. Now if you don't mind, I'm getting a little
shaggy;I think I'll pop into the hairdressers and get my
dignity raped.
/5
-Carlito is
coming next week… and he spits in the faces of people
who don't want to be cool. Glad to see I’m not the only
one.
John Cena
vs. Booker T. 5th match, Best of 5 Series.
U.S. Title at
stake;
You know, I
guess calling a match "a worst of five series"
wouldn't really sell tickets; but I'll be damned if this
wasn't the least interesting Best of (whatever) series
ever. But hey, I guess we should just be happy that
we're going to have a U.S. Champion again. Since it's
inception over a year and a half ago, this fucking
title's seen less action than a Star Wars fan in a
homemade storm trooper costume. Dear lord. It's
just a shame Booker doesn't still have that voodoo
gimmick he was rocking earlier this year. He could have
just stuck a doll with a bunch of pins to the floor,
then made an easy cover. But then again, if Cena is a
REAL RAPPER, he'd still no sell it. After all,
if having a your body riddled with
holes didn't fucking stop 50 Cent,
clearly straight O.G. Cena will be A-OK as
well.
Anyway,
one would assume that Cena would lose
this match, if only because he is amidst
making a movie that certainly won’t be going straight to
video (once he's had simulated sex with Shannon Tweed,
he'll have REALLY made it!), but
unfortunately, “one” would apparently be an
idiot because the complete fucking opposite
happened.
[Sean's note
from 2007: Turns out Cena's movie did better than I
thought. And the irony is Cena showed better workrate in
the movie then he does in real life! Clearly, his
in-ring repertoire needs more exploding gas
station-induced mid-air chokeslams.
Clearly.].
Anyway,
this was a decent match,
that at least had some intrigue to it, because unlike
their one at Summer Slam, it actually mattered who won
this. One awkward spot in the match saw a botched cross
body block roll-through by Book, but thankfully both men
had the presence of mind to abort it, and adlib a
pinning spot. From there,
the match carries on
pretty even, until Cena regains the offense off a
clothesline, followed up by a bulldog, then finally the
five knuckle shuffle for a close two count. Cena then
signals for the FU, but Book slides out and hits the
Bookend for another two. Booker, now
frustrated, looks to bring a chair into the ring,
but the referee tells him if he does, Cena will win.
Booker T. begrudgingly agrees to put it down, and once
back inside, BOOKER'S RUNNING WITH SCISSORS KICK, but
Cena ducks out, allowing him to score with a quick FU to
win the
title.
Winner and new
United States Champion: John Cena; The Doctor of
Thuganomics, a degree he received at the same
institution that educated the feet of Rob Van Dam.
Originally, Cena wanted to major in "thuggin'
and buggin" but unfortunately didn't have
the grades for it. Oh
well.
/5
-We then
see a clip of Undertaker winning his 3rd
“WWE” title from Steve Austin, this time at Over The
Edge’99, a pay-per-view best known for one of the
biggest tragedies in wrestling history. Nicole Bass
attempting to wrestle.
What?
The Sexuals (Homo, Metro &
Very) better known as Rico, Charlie Haas,
& Miss Jackie vs. The Dudleys & Dawn
Marie;
As I've mentioned
before, with his hair and bushy sideburns, Rico
is starting to really resemble Wolverine. That is if
Logan discarded his
barbaric back-wood survival instincts, became sexually
“curious”, learned to embrace the joys of hanging out at
juice bars, and draping himself in colors named after
various fruits. But don't even try to hurt him. It's of
no use. HIS BONES ARE LACED WITH
FABULOUSNESS~!
This match was very
entertaining, as Bubba Dudley just may have the best
physical comic timing that I’ve ever seen from a
wrestler. His selling of Rico’s come-ons were hilarious,
and at one point, he actually abandoned his team, only
to return a little later. Anyway, Jackie eventually
makes the Hot (as in smoking) tag, and takes it to Dawn.
My hopes that it would break down into girl on girl porn
with oils, toys and perhaps a children's swimming pool
filled with Kielbasas never occurred, as they instead
chose to just "wrestle" instead. Oh well. Anyhoo, the
women spill to the outside, and D-Von and Bubba set up
Haas for a "whazzzzup!" headbutt, but Rico breaks that
up by just cupping D-Von's junk (good luck winning that
"Wrestling isn't gay" argument now) allowing Haas to
recover, dispose of Bubba, double team D-Von, and allow
Rico to hit a picture perfect moonsault for the win.
Winners: Hass, Rico, Miss
Jackie, and us all.
/5
-Undertaker vs. JBL
package. HIJINX galore. JBL brings back the
Ministry! Kind of! A dude who sucks blood and
another who just sucks, Gangrel & Viscera attack the
Undertaker! BETRAYAL. And then Undertaker gets
"even" by tying Orlando Jordan to a cross err, I MEAN
SYMBOL. Nothing offensive about that!
Hey, I’ve seen Mississippi
Burning a few times, and I got to say, is having a
redneck tying a
black man to a cross really the best
idea ever?
(C)JBL vs.
The Undertaker: Last Ride Match (A.K.A. “A way I don’t
have to do a real job match”) WWE Title at
stake;
Michael Cole
hilariously insists that this type of match has never
been done before. And he’s right… no one in WWE History
has ever had a match that could only end when you
throw them in the back of a vehicle….especially not an
Ambulance….and definitely not at Survivor Series last year…
Hey! Next month, I heard they’ll “Debut” wrestling’s
most unforgiving and UNIQUE match concept: “Heck in a
cage”! IT'LL BE
AWESOME.
Moving on.
The crowd didn’t seem to know what to do with this match
for the first half, and personally I chalk that up to
the fans really just wanting to see Undertaker do his
classic deadman spots, and not knowing what to
make of a zombie using UFC holds (Undead fighting
Championship?). Thankfully though, this match is spared
when JBL and Taker take it to the floor. From there,
Bradshaw dies for our sins, taking three of the most
intense bumps of his WWE career. The first being a huge
elevated back body drop to the floor while Taker was
standing on the steel stairs. The 2nd being
Taker tombstone piledriving JBL onto said stairs; and
finally, a HUGE table to table chokeslam outside the
ring.
At this
point, Taker fireman carries JBL’s lifeless body (and
who better to be a fireman than a dude who can
constantly resuscitate himself and is apparently
impervious to fire!) to where the hearse is parked,
and opens the door…and SURPRISE~! here’s Heidenreich!
And I don’t know what’s more disturbing, Heidenreich
hiding in the back all this time, or that he’s doing all
this carnage while only wearing the smallest pair of red
underwear in the Universe. Damn, you’d think that
intricately planning someone’s demise would be a pants
wearing occasion. Guess I
was wrong.
Anyway,
Heidenreich smothers out Undertaker with some ether
(Wow, ether and
tranquilizers in the same night? Someone must have been
rummaging through Bradshaw’s bag!). From there,
Heidenreich then throws Taker into the hearse, and
slams the door and the car begins to drive away,
when….we get a shot of Undertaker coming to and sitting
up! Yet, I’m more curious to know how the camera man got
into that
car….
Taker makes his
comeback from there, and takes it to Heidenreich,
when JBL explodes out of nowhere with the Clothesline
from Hell, and Taker gets put back in the hearse and
this time, this one is history. For the record
though, if this match has taught us
anything, for you medical buffs out there,
obviously, the best way to make sure your patients stay
unconscious is to just clothesline them. Ether
is USELESS.
After the match,
JBL grabs the mic, and proclaims to
the audience that you should never bet against him. We
then cut away to see the hearse, and Paul Heyman climbs
out of the driver's side, revealing himself to be the
wheel man (he’s even wearing a chauffeur hat…which I
don’t understand. If you’re a hearse driver, why worry
about a dress code at all? After all, it’s not like the
clientele is going to complain). Anyhoo, a
fter we see Heyman get out of
the hearse, we see Heidenreich get behind the wheel of a
Hummer, and proceed to drive it full-force into the side
of the hearse, as I yell out: “Damn there’s a human
being in there!!!” in my best JR voice. People then
tell me to shut the fuck up, and I die a little
inside.
WWE 