WWE NO
MERCY 2003(10/19/03)
Hey there, Rasslin' nuts, I'm your
venerable party host Sean Carless, and welcome to
my favorite completely inconsequential October
Pay-per-view: No Mercy! The event that shows
absolutely no mercy to your finances. And why should
they? Clearly, you'd much rather watch the epic
collision that will be Vince feeling up his own daughter
tonight, instead of paying your bills and feeding your
families. After all, you can always go out
and find NEW families ANY TIME. When are you going to
get a chance to watch Brock Lesnar wrestle The
Undertaker again? Wait. Bad
example.
Tonight's show comes to us LIVE from
Baltimore, Maryland! The city that reared (no pun
intended) Stacy Keibler, and home of the Baltimore
Ravens, for whom I was sad to find out have absolutely
nothing to do with Scott Levy. Too bad, too. I for one
would love to watch a football game where all the
players DDT'd each other, then sat depressingly around
the goal posts. But hey, maybe that's just me. Of
course, I'm the same guy who wanted Hulk Hogan to
buy a football team just so he could call it the Venice
Orangeskins, so don't listen to
me.
Onto the
show~!
Show opens with a Stephanie/Vince
montage filled with the voices
of bewildered children. Apparently they
replaced video producer Dave Sahadi with Michael
Jackson. Who knew. Anyway, as good as these montages
are, I still miss the voice of Classy Freddie Blassie.
Quick! Someone find me the
fucking Necronomicon, so I can get my Freddie
fix.
(C)Tajiri vs.
Rey Mysterio: CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE
Match.
Before the match, the Referee
checks Tajiri's mouth for "mist". If only WWF had done
the same with Patterson and Garvin in the 80's, they
could have saved themselves A LOT of legal woes. Just
saying. Anyway, with this "mist" in mind, Tajiri
has of course recently turned Heel, and as a result
has been blowing mist on everyone that crosses his path,
including Nidia last week, who took it in the face, in
lieu of her beau Jamie Noble, who obviously must have
been already somewhat blind anyway to
choose Nidia as a girlfriend. Just
saying.
Anyway, Rey takes this match
somewhat cautiously, obviously wary of possible
mist, because, let's face it, the last thing this
guy needs is to end with fucked up eyes. Hey wait.
But seriously, what's the deal with Rey's eyes, anyway?
Apparently since joining WWE, he moved the Fam from the
619, to the fucking test grounds from The Hills have
Eyes. This may also be the reason he's four feet tall. I
don't know. Anyway, Rey eventually gets
the move of the night when he leap frogs
Tajiri, landing perfectly balanced on the top
turnbuckle, then delivers a standing
moonsault. Rey eventually hits the West Coast Pop from
there, and looks to have the championship won, when
TWO FANS CLEARLY NOT ASSOCIATED WITH THE BUSINESS IN ANY
FORM OR FASHION hit the ring and break up the
count. It's funny how the ONLY "fans" who ever make it
to the ring without being tackled and killed are all at
least 200 pounds and in really good shape. In
fact, if they weren't so preoccupied with
interrupting random wrestling shows all the time, I
seriously think they'd actually have a helluva shot
at becoming wrestlers themselves one day~! That's
right.
With that said, this gives Tajiri
the distraction he needs to sneak in with a buzzsaw
kick to Rey to retain the title. Good for him. He
certainly has better luck with his buzzsaw kick
than I do. Of course, no one ever bothered to tell me I
wasn't supposed to actually use it on buzzsaws.
That's right. And don't even ask me about
my corkscrew elbow. I still can't open a bottle of wine
without having nightmares.
Winner & STILL Champion: Tajiri.
Apparently the guys who interfered are Ryan Sakoda and
Jimmy Yang, and they'll soon join Tajiri in a
"Yakuza" gimmick. Dear Lord. I guess no one ever
bothered telling WWE how bad of an idea that is. Poor
Tajiri. At least though, when the real
Yakuza put cement over-shoes on Tajiri and drop him
into the Pacific Ocean, there's a good chance his
baggy pants will act as a giant air-pocket and
elevate him to safety. It's his only hope.
Clearly.
-Backstage, journalistic
virtuoso Josh Matthews catches up with Vince
McMahon. Vince declares that anyone who interferes in
his Loser Quits WWE match with Stephanie
tonight will not only be fired, but will never
be allowed back. Although, if Vince lost as a
result of the interference, who'd uphold that rule? Come
on. I don't think it's too much to ask for a little
continuity and believability in my sport filled with
dudes falling into flaming dumpsters then being
decapitated with speeding limos, only to return seven
days later no worse for wear. Wait. Never
mind.
Chris Benoit Vs. A-Train: Match
number 10,000 in a Best of "Please End my Fucking
Misery" Series.
Dear Lord, how many times has
poor Benoit had to wrestle the world's ugliest
mohair sweater? This whole feud reminds me of the
movie Groundhog Day. Benoit clearly needs to clean up
his act if he's ever going to see February 3rd. But
with that in mind, I'm not opposed to Benoit taking a
page from that movie and tossing a toaster into
A-Train's bath tub. It's definitely worth a shot. And
hey, worst case scenario, the electrical current might
actually burn all that body hair off, and do everyone a
huge fucking favor.
Anyway, this match exceeded my
expectations as the always-amazing Benoit should
change his name to Jesus tonight because he got a
miracle out of the A-Train. Basically Benoit is face in
peril here as an angry Albert unloads on him for
most of the match. Obviously, Benoit ignored my
advice of putting a giant blob of hot wax in the corner.
I guarantee you that'd have ended your woes,
Chris.
One scary spot had Train try to
press Benoit overhead, but Chris slipped from
Albert's grasp and crashed very awkwardly to the mat
head and shoulder first, almost rejoining "D-Generated
Necks" in the process. End comes when A-Train, who
had propped a steel chair in the corner, tries to boot
Benoit, but he ducks and Train kicks through
the chair, allowing Benoit to scoop the legs and snare a
sharpshooter for the tap out, as a tribute to his
trainer the late (but let's face it, he's never
going to arrive) Stu Hart, for the emotional
victory.
Winner: Chris Benoit; the
man who was the figurative Lady Remington to A-Train's
thatch of unruly pubes.
-Backstage, Matt Hardy walks in and
sees Shannon Moore being choked by Jon Heidenreich. I
immediately assume there was some sort of Crying Game
mix-up, since Shannon has less testosterone in his body
then the entire Oprah Winfrey studio audience. Turns out
though, Heidenreich found out from "Little Johnny" that
Matt threw his tryout tape in the garbage on Smackdown
the other night. Huh. I've seen Heidenreich's "work" in
OVW. Clearly Matt has all of our best interests in mind.
Trust me.
Matt Hardy Version 1 vs. Zach Gowen Version
0.5;
Why does Zach wear his Leg to the
ring then throw it off? What's the point? Part of me
would mark out if he began giving out custom legs to
ringside fans ala Bret Hart's sunglasses. But hey, I'm
also the same guy who thought Zach should leave his leg
lying loose on the ropes, just in case he gets put
in submission holds, so that way he can always get
a clean break. So umm, ya, don't listen to
me.
Matt dominates early on, until
the tide turns when Matt misses a moonsault. Zach
then goes on offense, hitting a huge flip to the floor
on Matt, and back inside, a big top rope splash. This
gets a really close two. Soon after, he walks into a
side-effect from Matt. It's probably at this point if
this was a RAW match, JR would utter the line about a
one legged man in an ass-kicking contest. And speaking
of which, where are all these fucking contests with
amputees awkwardly kicking each other in the ass, that
JR is always talking about? Maybe the prize for
them is a government mule you can in turn violently
physically abuse? Who knows. Only JR has the
answers to these questions, and he ain't talking. And if
he is, he ain't making any fucking sense, that's for
sure. Anyway, Matt puts Zach on the top rope, looking a
belly to back suplex, but Zach elbows out, and Matt hits
the umm, mat, allowing Zach to hit a moonsault for
the clean win! Right on. Now maybe he can go to RAW and
feud with Ric Flair. I've always had a perverse
curiosity as to how Ric would try to finish
Zach.
Winner: 2/3rds of Zach Gowen! Onward
and upward to the Royal Rumble! He's a (one) shoe in! He
can't be eliminated. It's fool
proof.
-Backstage, Vince is confronted by
the Linda McMahon robot. She begs Vince to
reconsider the match as it's something no one wants to
see. Heh. Who knew Linda was a member of the
IWC? Anyway, Vince compromises by saying
Steph can now win by "pinfall", and only he has
to make her quit. He then makes the match No Holds
Barred. Oh, man, No Holds Barred? He's gonna make her
give up by sitting through a shitty Hulk Hogan movie!
Who wouldn't immediately surrender if that was the
alternative! Oh..he meant. Umm, never
mind.
Homolition (The
Bashams) vs. A.P.A.
Here Comes The Ass! Here Comes a
Dildo. The Homolition! Walking ...completely
bow-legged?. Dear Lord. I've of course
nicknamed the Basham brothers "Homolition",
because they've recently taken it upon themselves to
wear full S&M gear to the ring, including
leather masks, complete with a ball gag. Oh my.
That's a little disturbing for "brothers". I don't know
about you, but I limit the time I spend with my
brother to maybe taking in a movie together. I don't
stand chained to a pipe with him while someone
violates our cornholes with a fucking cat
o'ninetails. Just saying.
Anyway, this match was made on HEAT,
which ironically enough is the last thing this
match had. In fact, between the action, all four men
paused, watched a wild west tumble weed
slowly blow past, then immediately started
wrestling again. True story.
APA dominate (HIYO) this
one for much of the match, with Bradshaw eventually
getting the hot tag and cleaning house. Powerbomb to
Danny. Followed soon after by the a "Last Call" fall
away slam. He then gives Doug one off the second rope,
after Doug climbed the ropes and Bradshaw countered the
effort. He makes the cover, but Danny makes the save.
The ref then gets bumped, and in the ensuing chaos, The
Basham's Dominatrix Shaniqua (Maniqua?) runs in,
and caves in Bradshaw's head with a club.
Remind me to never use her dominatrix services. I
thought the most you'd have to go through was maybe some
hot wax to the balls. Good luck getting any referrals
now, Shaniqua. Anyhoo, The Bashams get the
win.
Winner: The Basham Brothers. But
hey, you have to wonder why they'd even have an issue
with Bradshaw in the first place. If they love being
sexually abused so much, you'd think they'd embrace
him!*
[Sean's note from 2007: *They did
join him in 2004 as his "Chiefs of Security". And why
not? If you can take a woman grinding her high heels
into your fucking nuts and come back for more, what's a
potential bullet? Clearly, JBL made the right
choice!].
/5
-Backstage, Shaniqua and The
Basham's cut an interview where Shaniqua
comments on her obvious new breast
implants (if having breasts is the
only criteria for being considered a woman, I
should probably start calling my Grandfather "Grandma")
stating that Bradshaw's "clothesline from Hell" caused
"swelling" in her chest that may be permanent. Man, a
clothesline can cause a woman to get bigger tits? Holy
shit. Excuse while I climb my roof and fold my
girlfriend with the patented Road Warrior Hawk
version. If all goes well, she'll have Double D's when
I'm finished! ...and if not? Well, someone be a peach,
and bail me out, okay?
-Stephanie vs. Vince video package.
Vince apparently used to "loan Stephanie out to
potential business partners" according to her sit down
interview. Man. No wonder WWE's doing so badly these
days! Talk about a Deal breaker! Haha. Hey,
fuck you, I have to get my Steph jokes in while I
can.
Vince McMahon w/ Sable w/ botox Vs.
"Stone Cold" Stephanie McMahon w/ Linda McMahon w/
complicated computerized endoskeleton.
In case you haven't been watching
WWE TV lately, this whole feud came about because Vince
McMahon wanted to get rid of Stephanie as
GM... but she wouldn't quit. So of course he
devised a complicated plan over the last 5 weeks to
break her spirit. Hey, here's an idea: WHY DON'T YOU
JUST FUCKING FIRE HER? Holy shit, Vince is worse than a
fucking Bond villain. Somehow, I don't think most bosses
force you to engage them in fucking mortal combat
when they want your ass out on the street. Call me
crazy.
Anyway, the build to this has been
especially painful to watch, as its monopolized 75% of
WWE TV, while somehow trying to convince us that the
spoiled Stephanie McMahon character is worth
getting behind. (and not in the way I'd like to). Having
to choose between supporting Steph or Vince is the
equivalent of being asked if you'd rather be impaled or
set on fire.
As for the match, my joking aside,
this one was very smartly booked, thanks in part to
the superb storytelling of Vince, who as a heel got
the emotion over huge with the crowd. Vince
dominates much of the match, manhandling Steph to the
disgust of everyone, and Linda...I think. It's
kind of hard to tell if she, like DATA before her, has
finally assimilated human emotions into her mainframe.
The tide eventually turns when Stephanie gets her hands
on a steel pipe brought into the ring by Sable
for Vince to use on her. SWEET IRONY. And not
just because said pipe is in fact, umm, irony?
That's right. Steph goes on offense from there, laying
into Daddy with the pipe. Ya! She's all grown up now, so
listen and learn, a True Star and she's finally gettin
her turn! *AHEM*. Stephanie then covers for a close 2
count after Vince gets his foot on the rope, and while
this happening, Linda sets her program to
all 3 Prime
Directives!: "Serve the public trust!"
"Protect the innocent!" and "Uphold the law!" as
she attacks Sable! Clearly, Vince should have built
in that classified fourth Robocop directive. He's
probably kicking himself right now. Anyway, Steph ends
up hitting a big bulldog (Not Lucy) on Vince whilst also
taking out Sable again for another two count. She then
grabs the pipe and charges Vince, but he avoids the
blow, and retrieves the pipe, nailing Steph in the
stomach, then applying a choke hold with said pipe.
Steph begins to fade but refuses to quit, so Linda,
after obviously oiling her arm tin-man-style, grabs a
towel and hurls it into the ring to signal a
submission. Heh. I guess this means a now insane
Stephanie will return in ten years and start putting
everyone in a chicken-wing. You know, before eating the
chickenwing...cause she's so hungry. Haha. One fat joke
for the road.
Winner: Vincent Kennedy McMahon and
Fathers everywhere. Well, that's it
for Stephanie. She's off to get married to HHH
next week. Part of me has to wonder what the groom
to be thought about Vince giving his future bride the
Prom night hands here. But hey, in Vince's defense, he
did PAY for those cans, so he's just taking a
consumer's interest. After all, no one freaks out when
you test the tomatoes in the supermarket. Vince is a
smart shopper, that's all....
-After the match, Vince celebrates
by pie-facing Linda, and then starts to make out with
Sable. However, due to her head being frozen in a
perpetual botox state, Sable's not able to open her
mouth more than 1/1000th of an inch, and her face
completely shatters as a result. Ok, maybe not. Vince
then leaves, and Stephanie looks on at Mom upset that
she threw in the towel. All I know is, if you go by the
booking here tonight, Stephanie > A-Train, who
actually submitted to a non-steel pipe induced finisher,
while SHE REFUSED TO QUIT, BY GAWD. Clearly, she needs
to shave her head and grow a goatee. Stephanie 3:16
ftw.
John Cena vs. Kurt Angle;
I don't know who had more of a
following here, Kurt Angle or the Doctor of Thuganomics.
And speaking of that, where the fuck does one go to
get a doctorate in Thuganomics anyway? I'd imagine it'd
be the same place you'd get your feet educated ala
Rob Van Dam or X-Pac. I'd also imagine The
Dean's name there is Douglas, the institution
itself is called the school of hard knocks,
Undertaker teaches a course in history (culminating in
him dragging you by the wrist to the chalkboard, then
leaping from his desk onto your back), and
finally, all the new enrollee's are
personally taken there by Ric Flair... if
JR is indeed to be believed. I mean, clearly it's
obvious. Almost as obvious as the amount of alcohol I
had to consume to write the preceding
stupidity. Almost.
Anyway, this match was easily
the best one of the night so far. Angle dominates the
onset, but things soon go awry for him after an
Irish whip (Never go to Ireland. People will just
randomly throw you in the opposite direction!) gets
reversed and Angle eats the post. Cena dominates from
there, eventually taking Angle down with a brutal DDT on
the ring apron. Both men, then end up hitting their
finishes respectively (F-U and Angle-slam) but
neither finish. Cena eventually looks to cheat, and
grabs his chain, as the crowd is actually cheering him
on, but the ref sees it coming and confiscates it. But
you see, it's all a RUSE, as while the
referee is discarding the chain, Cena uses
Angle's own Gold medals and wraps them around his
fist and clocks Kurt. However, this only gets a two
count, because as I've mentioned before, Kurt Angle is
invincible, and like Linda, also a cybernetic
organism. Clearly, Cena's only alternative
is to crush him in a machine press or
slowly dunk him into molten steel. They keep enough
weird shit under the ring as it is, so who knows, it
might be there. With that said, finish sees Angle
countering a Cena attempted victory roll into the
ankle-lock, and he seals the deal with a heel hook
as Cena taps out.
Winner: Kurt Angle; my
2nd favorite increasingly-shrinking bald-headed
hero. The first of course is my
penis.
Eddie Guerrero
vs. Big Show; U.S. Title
This whole rivalry of
course started when Big Show informed Eddie &
Chavo that he and I quote "didn't like their kind." Man.
Who knew it today's day and age there's still prejudice
against talented wrestlers. Oh, he meant. Never mind.
From there, HIJINX abounded as Eddie fed Big Show a
plate of compromised Taco's that caused The Giant to
unload his cavernous asshole and paint the bowl.
From there, Eddie got the upper-hand again, when he
borrowed his cousin Chewy's sewage truck (his
other cousin Han Solo is a plumber I heard) and
grabbed the shit hose (coincidentally, Patterson's
nickname for his penis) and sprayed it all over Big
Show. I love how each time a truck rolls out on
WWE TV it possesses an increasingly more vile liquid.
Thank God Eddie didn't decide to take a slug off it like
Austin did the beer hose. Anyway, to finally get even
for all this shit, umm, literally, Big Show chokeslammed
Eddie atop his low-rider, breaking the glass into his
back. Oh, no. Now his back is going to have unsightly
red blemishes on it! [/sarcasm].
All kidding aside, I love Eddie, and
he did the best he could as he was basically working a
with a sack of wet towels here. The crowd seemed really
burned out from the previous two matches, and sadly this
one didn't get that much of a reaction. Although, it
could be that Big Show worked the match at such a slow
pace, I believe he was able to move backwards through
time. I guess we'll know what effect it had on human
history tomorrow. Anyway, Eddie cleverly cheats
throughout, but the whole "Show's Big and
Guerrero's not" thing comes into play here as Show kicks
out of a lot of potential finishes, even after Eddie
used brass knux, the title belt, and even hit a frog
splash! Man. Anyway, Eddie walks into a chokeslam from
there, but gets his foot on the ropes at two. He then
gets a low-blow on Show to buy time, but seconds later,
walks right into a 2nd chokeslam, and this time Show
gets the pin. Huh?
Winner and NEW United States
Champion: Big Show. Well, that doesn't make a lot of
sense. Curtail the push of the red-hot Eddie Guerrero
for Big Show, who's only reason for wanting the belt in
the first place is probably because he thinks
there's chocolate under the foil? I guess Vince couldn't
directly shoot us with the shit-hose, so he did
the 2nd best thing...put over Big
Show....
/5
The Undertaker Vs. Brock Lesnar; WWE Title
"Biker Chain match";
The rules for this one are of
course the chain is suspended above the ring and the
first man to retrieve it gets to use it. Somehow, I
don't see real-life Bikers all scrambling up a
fucking pole to get a weapon in a gang-war. Call me
crazy. Also call me crazy for not knowing just why the
fuck they'd book THIS particular match here. I mean, you
remember all those great WWE Biker chain matches of
the past, right? Wait. What do you mean there were never
any? Well, you remember how much significance a
chain played in this Undertaker/Lesnar rivalry then,
right? What do you mean there was never a chain
EVER used in any capacity, umm, ever? Man. Ok, try
this on for size. It makes sense because Undertaker has
ALWAYS been associated with and
has always brought a chain to the ring.
What do you mean he never has before? Not
ever? Then what's the point of this
match?.....*head explodes*. Dear God. Something makes me
think Vince just spun the old "Spin the Wheel, Make
the Deal" wheel backstage. Somewhere Sting feels these
guys pain. While Jake Roberts feels nothing because
he's dead inside. It'd be funnier if it wasn't
true.....
Anyway, not since the umm,
*classic* Big Bossman/Nailz "nightstick" match has
there been a bout that featured so little use of the
weapon in question. Slow deliberate match that saw
Undertaker mostly dominate. In a really cool spot,
Undertaker piledrived Lesnar on the ring steps, then
hung him in a triangle choke in the ropes. After he
releases it, Lesnar hits a low-blow and both men
crawl for the corner. Lesnar tries to get to the
chain, by climbing over Taker, but he should know better
than thinking you can GO OVER THE UNDERTAKER.
Wishful thinking, motherfucker. Ahem. Taker simply
grabs a hold of Lesnar and looks for the last-ride, but
Lesnar wriggles free, and the two take each other out
with a double-clothesline. Once back on their feet,
Undertaker regains the momentum, hitting the avalanching
clotheslines in the corner, a Snake Eyes, then a
big boot, as I picture Kevin Nash crying "Go ahead. Take
everything I got", before being thrown off the set of
the Punisher. Ah, no worries Kev. You can panic when
Taker starts wearing a singlet with black leather pants.
Oh.
From there, Taker applies another
Triangle choke, however, the freakishly strong Lesnar
countered out of by deadlifting (HIYO) Taker up and
slamming him into a powerbomb. Awesome move. Taker then
attempts his dragon sleeper, ridiculously named "Taker
care of business". Dear God. Good thing he's not in
porn. I can just see the "Taker up the ass" now. Anyway,
Lesnar somehow counters that into an F-5, but Taker gets
his foot on the rope. Both men fight up, and Taker looks
to have things in hand, and begins climbing for the
chain when The F.B.I. return from ...the Witness
Relocation Program? ....or worse yet, another place
you're exiled to where you're forced to lose your
identity completely: VELOCITY; however, it's all
for naught as they all eat some token Deadman offense.
From there, Vince finally comes down and gets involved.
As Taker grabs the chain, Vinnie Mac sneaks up from
behind and pushes him from the top, crotching him on the
ropes. This allows Lesnar to retrieve the chain and
clock Big Evil for the anticlimactic win. There goes the
pain.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: Vince
McMahon! err, I mean, Brock Lesnar! But hey, it might as
well be Vince. With the way his aged mug's been all over
this show, and then with how he single-handedly
beat Undertaker tonight, you'd think he owned the
place or something...
End show~!
FINAL THOUGHTS: With the exception of The
Bashams vs. A.P.A., which was the equivalent of
watching someone's life you despise flashing before your
eyes, this one once again exceeded my expectations.
It's kind of like going on a date with an ugly
woman and finding out she gives great head.... not
something you particularly looked forward to, but ends
on a positive note. The booking however was a little
strange. Cena jobbing to an already established Kurt
Angle, and especially Show beating Eddie made about as
much sense as doubling up with Christopher
Reeve in a potato sack race. Weird, weird shit. But hey,
at least I can say we've heard the last of the ultra
high frequency tones of Stephanie McMahon for a while.
That was worth her not quitting to a move that'd kill
anyone else on earth, while near 400 pound dudes
tapped out instantly to much lesser non-lethal
finishes. Worth it, indeed. Thumbs
up.
