JR: Welcome every-wun Ah’m Jim Rawss, and welcome to Generic News, LAHVE frawm Chicago, Illinois! This week’s headlines are just a heartbeat away!

Joey Mercury was recently released from WWE, but has found that his facial situation has left his career opportunities a little limited…namely working as a sideshow circus attraction.

Joey: At leassshhhhht it’ssshhhh better than TNA. What a ssshhithole that’s become.

Also, the reason behind Lashley’s monster push was revealed via some incriminating backstage footage:

Vince: Ok, gentleman, things have been stressful lately, but I’ve decided to cheer you all up with some hired entertainment. Please welcome Michael Richards!

WWE has introduced a Reality TV show to document the goings on in the lockerroom, entitled BIG DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER:

CM Punk: Oh, shit!

Undertaker: Looks like we got another runner, brah!

Kane: Damn noobs. They know they gotta pay their dues sooner or later.

Arn: I hear that!

Outside Vince’s office, we see Undertaker sat with a handcuffed CM Punk

Undertaker: Look I know I brought you in here, but I don’t have anything against you, brah. You wanna cigarette?

CM Punk: …

Undertaker: Ohh, haha, yeah, right, hah. Sorry, SeX.

CM Punk: It’s SxE.

Undertaker: Yeah, my version gets you laid, brah.

This has left Hogan Knows Best looking for new ways to interest its viewers:

Hogan: You’re making us EVICT one another?! You can’t make us do that, brotha!

Nick: …I vote Dad.

Brooke: Dad.

Linda: Hulk.

Hogan: Son of a-

TNA has decided to revamp Borash’s interviewing style:

Borash-t: Hello and welcome to my interview video film! It niiice! I am here with a genuine chocolate-face!

Ron Killings: …

And now here’s Josey Scott with Sport:

Josey: YANKEES WIN. YEEEEEEEEEEEAH.

And with Sports Entertainment:

Josey: CENA WINS. YEEEEEEEEEEEAH.

And with Videogame news:

Josey: RED TEAM WINS YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH.

And showing positive response:

Josey: YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH.

In Entertainment news, WWE Creative was revealed to be the new writing team behind Pirates of the Caribbean 3:

Jack Sparrow: So I says, “Yaharr, it’s driving me nuts!”

Barbossa: lol!

And Spiderman 3:

Mary Jane: Did he just take out all those villains with a poorly executed STF?

Aunt May: My…God you have big teeth.

In fact the man who writes Lashley’s promos will be at the helm of Fantastic Four 2:

Mr. Fantastic: YOU SAY YOUR NAME IS SILVER SURFER, AND YOU LOVE TO SURF. I SAY YOUR NAME IS SILVER SURFER, AND YOUR….balls are hanging out?

JR: And now here is Tazz with the weather. Tazz?

Tazz: Well…here comes the rain! Oh boy, JR, this rain right here? Dis precipitatin’ ROCKET BUSTIN’ wawduh? Gonna be makin’ things very slippery from here on out.

Joey Styles: Ohmy….GOD

JR: BAH GAWD

Joey: OHMY GAWD

JR: BAH GOD

*Cut to Heaven*

Jesus: Uh, dad, they seem to be yelling for you.

God: Son believe me there is a reason I no-show anything WWE-related.

Jesus: Because you abandoned hope for all of humanity?

God: Nooow you’re gettin’ it

Jesus: Heh, I guess you could say they’re FRAWM HAYULLLL huh? Ha ha.

God: *Sigh*…JR impressions are even older than me, boy. Get back on the cross for 30 minutes.

Jesus: Aww daaaad…

God: NOW.

*Cut back*

JR: Anyway, thank you fer joining us, every-wun, and make sure to tune in again BOOMER SOONER.

…

Ugh, hope you bastards appreciated that.

Joe