Joe Merrick presents…
THE TOP TEN
EXCERPTS FROM WRESTLING DOCUMENTARIES THAT WOULD BE
AWESOME IF THEY ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
10.
Vince in the
locker-room
HHH: Ok, ok, guys, it’s my turn. Try this out…If
you were on a train, and you were sat next to a hot
chick, the kind who’s kinda pretentious, right. If the
train was about to crash and no one would survive…would
you rape the chick?
Mick Foley:
What?!
Rock: Well, I mean, how fast exactly would
the tr-
Austin:
Yes.
Vince: Hell I would! Even if we were
related!
HHH: That’s…great, Vince, but I wasn’t
askin-
Vince: Yes sir! Even if she was my
own flesh and blood. No problems with that. We’re all
guys here
right?
9.
CM Punk’s tell-all biographical
documentary
Interviewer: So it was about that
time you sunk into
depression?
Punk: That’s…that’s right. It was a
tough time. I was always at home, either sleeping or
high on-
Interviewer:
Cocaine?
Punk:
….No.
Interviewer:
Heroin?
Punk:
No…
Interviewer: Painkillers? Roids?
Marijuana?
Punk: No, no, and
no.
Interviewer:
Beer?!
Punk:
No!
Interviewer: Well Jesus shitting Abraham, what
did you
do?
Punk: Well, I…smelled the
occasional magic marker. Is that controversial
enough?
8. Canada’s Great Wrestlers of
All-Time
Bret Hart: Hey who else is on this list? Jericho?
Sweet. Storm? Awesome, good, good choices. Hmm? What’s
that? You gotta be shitting me. You’ve got him
included? Ho ho, you can count me the fucking
hell out,
buddy.
7. JBL lets slip behind the
scenes
Booker (Narrating): JBL? Yeah, we
didn’t get on so well all the
time…
King Booker: What’s up suckas!
How’s y’all
doin’?
JBL: Ooh, how quaint. He found some
shiny objects. Hello? You speaky Engy? Pleeeease taaaake
my baaaaags. Toooo the hoooteeeeel. Roooooom.
Okay?
Booker:
…
Booker (Narrating): As awkward as
it was, at least it was a different joke to him soaping
someone’s ass or
something.
6. Nelson Frazier,
Jr.
Nelson: You don’t even know who the
fuck I am do you? Nelson fucking Frazier
FUCKING
Jr. LOOK IT UP. I’ve spent like a
decade in this business, had at least 3 famous gimmicks
I WON A KING OF THE RING YOU IGNORANT ASSMUNCHERS. But
nooo, it’s all ‘Ooo Vader, ooo Bam Bam Bigelow, best big
men in the business, wah wah wah!’. FUCK you
people.
5.
Eddie Guerrero 2 - Lie, Cheat, Steal….and KICK
ASS.
In a world, where the dead
live…through shoddy storylines. Where memories are
exploited for profit and gain. One man. Will rise above
the ashes. One man, will show the
world…
His Latino
Heat.
Eddie: You crossed the line, esse’s! *Shoots a
room full of
execs*
Coming this
Summer.
BOOMEXPLOSION
He will take you to the
edge.
*A lowrider careers through an
office window*
Eddie: Eddie’s not up there,
esse’s! And he’s not in hell either! HE’S IN YOUR
FACES.
Starring Owen
Wilson.
*Vince gets run over by the
lowrider*
Owen Wilson: Guess ya could call
that SPLATino
Heat!
Chris
Benoit.
Benoit: So what you’re saying
is…once I die, WWE will give me more exposure than when
I was alive?
Eddie: Si, esse! It’s
exploita-
Benoit: Scuse me, I gotta…erm, go
sort
out..something…
And Eddie
Guerrero.
Eddie: SAY ‘ELLO, TO MAH L’IL
FRIEND.
Rey
Mysterio: Hey
everyone!
Coming July
2008.
4. Batistiality - The Dave Batista
Story
Narrator: Our story begins
in…erm…I’m…not sure actually. Where’s this guy from
again?
3. Rey Mysterio
recalls the matches on his
DVD
So ah this match was my first title
shot against…oh I…lost that one. Oh well here’s one
against Booker T, now this one’s a classic because of
the…Huh. Lost that one too. Well, never mind, this next
one up is when I took on The Great Kha- oh for the love
of God, give me a God damn
break!
2. The Self Destruction of Carlito
Caribbean Cool
Vince: Oh no, I never agreed to him
having an IC or US title. No
sir.
Pat Patterson: The guy was a joke!
He had his run, but he got lazy and therefore we are all
obliged to rip the unholy fucking shit out of him
because no one else on the roster is lacking in any way
shape or form whatsoever
nope.
Steph: It’d be like, you’d ask him
to work a match…and he did. But, like, he did it in a
way, where you thought like, ‘Gawd, what a
bitch’.
Ric Flair: It was about that time I
decided to shoot on him because we had all had enough of
him being the ONLY bad wrestler on the entire roster.
This really showed him a lesson and of course did the
business a great deal of
good.,
Narrator: In the interests of
fairness we of course let Mr. Carlito have his say on
this
documentary.
Carlito:
I-
Narrator :There you have it, what a
douche bag.
1.
Undertaker’s doctor
appointment
Interviewer: So what happened
then?
Doctor: Well, Mister Calloway came for some
tests and such, and I told him he should return in 6
months.
Interviewer: And he came back after
that?
Doctor: Well it’s the damndest thing. About
2 months later my lights kept flicking on and off, and
soon I heard a mysterious gong noise in my office. A
month after that and I walked in to find sand and a
gravestone on my
desk.
Interviewer: And what happened after
that?
Doctor: Well, after a well put-together
video package that aired through my office computer, he
came back and I gave him the
results.
Interviewer: And you found out he
had no pulse? Hahaha. Just
joking.
Doctor: Haha. Nah. He had
cancer.
