On tonight’s show…Who refuses to go out for
coffee? (PUN!) What was The Booty Man’s brilliant plan?
And does it include The Booty Man at all? (apparently
not) Get all the answers to all these questions and MORE
WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode
of…
WCW
Old School Recap of Complete
Awesomeness!
Date: April
15th, 1996
Location: Charleston, W.VA
Shit explodes as we are live (in 96) with
another edition of Nitro, and hold your horses cause
we’re gonna go straight into...oh dear lord not
again.
Arn Anderson & Kevin
Sullivan w/ Woman, Miss Elizabeth & Jimmy Hart Vs
Hulk Hogan &...no one?
On the last Nitro, The Booty Man seemed to
have a brilliant plan for this week to finally give Arn
and Sullivan what they deserve, if only Hogan would tag
with him again this week...does the plan really just
consist of him staying the fuck away? Not that I’m
complaining...at all...but still, way to be a dick to
your supposedly best friend. Apparently, The Booty Man
got injured on WCW Saturday Night a few weeks ago
(ARRRR! Will they stop with the storyline progressing on
that show!!? Couldn’t it be more like WWE Superstars
instead?). If Hogan wins this match, he’ll get 5 minutes
alone with the manager of his choosing, if Arn & The
Taskmaster wins, they’ll get 5 minutes alone with
Kimberly...which sounds a bit disturbing to say the
least.
Hogan starts by fending off his opponents
quite well, but the numbers game soon begins to catch up
with him as Arn & Sullivan (which sounds like a
country music duo) takes control. The Booty Babe,
Kimberly, makes her way out to the ring. Now I may not
be an expert wrestling mastermind like the Booty Man
clearly is...but what the hell is this bulletproof plan
of his? How is this...well...a plan at all? It’s
ridiculous (WCW – Where good ideas come to die...of
cancer). Kimberly’s magic cheering ability results in
Hogan hulking up and destroying both opponents, even
using a chair (I think the referee was distracted...but
considering the all around quality of WCW referees, does
it really matter?), but again there’s strength in
numbers as Arn, Sullivan and Jimmy Hart (is this a No DQ
match?) all gets shots in. Hogan however counters in the
build up of a Spike Piledriver and slingshots Arn into
Sullivan on the apron. A Back Suplex to Arn, and a Scoop
Slam/Leg Drop combo to Sullivan later and the match is
over.
WINNER: Hulk
Hogan
After the match Hogan forces both Woman and
Miss Elizabeth into the ring where Woman hilariously
uses Liz as a human shield. Hogan teases hitting them
both, but instead turns his attention to Jimmy Hart who
has entered the ring to tend to Kevin Sullivan. Hart
tries to escape but Hogan catches him and even no sells
getting thrown powder into his face (or it missed, hard
to tell with Hogan sometimes). Hogan rips Harts shirt
off his back and knocks him around for a bit until The
Giant comes out and nails Hogan with a Chokeslam. Hulk
however no sells it (because he can) and Scoop Slams the
big man to the ground before almost doing the same to
“Mean” Gene who approaches him from behind (DAMN IT! SO
CLOSE!). Hogan says that Hulkamania is back on a roll
and asks what we’re gonna do when Hulkamania climbs to
the top and the World Heavyweight Title...I dunno...sigh
audibly? Cry myself to sleep? Go on a killing spree? All
of them seems viable to me. The announcers talk about
Randy Savage being here tonight and be escorted in by
security. They talk about the Main Event which will be
Ric Flair & The Giant Vs Sting & Lex Luger, and
that things could go crazy if Flair and Savage gets
within range of each other, which according to Mongo is
why Pepe is wearing orange camouflage gear...and not
because his owner is a sadistic douche...not
even.
Public Enemy Vs The Nasty Boys
– Street Fight
This match was made after Public Enemy’s
attack on the Nasty Boys last week where they were also
revealed (and by revealed, I mean speculated, but I
suppose it’s the same in WCW) to have been the ones who
jumped the Nasty Boys backstage a few weeks prior. The
Nasty Boys don’t waste any time on getting this match
underway as they attack Public Enemy with a trashcan and
a chair during their entrance. They then follow this up
by...leaving their opponents alone long enough for them
to recover just to return with 2 more trashcans...Jerry
Sags & Rocco Rock fight on the outside while Brian
Knobbs & Johnny Grunge fight inside the ring for a
bit and we get that annoyingly small split screen for a
while until The Nasty Boys finally both gets in the ring
to double team Grunge for a bit. The announcers talk
about Slamboree and the Lord of the Ring tournament,
which I suppose is the same as the Lethal Lottery thing
where everyone are paired up randomly. Public Enemy have
drawn each other which should give them an advantage if
they were, you know, relevant to anything. So the way it
works is that apparently 16 teams are drawn and they
fight in a tournament until there are 8 men left, who
will then fight each other in a Battle Royal and the
winner will be the Lord of the Ring, get a world title
shot in June, and slay a whole bunch of elfs, dwarfs and
men...I might’ve made that last part up. Okay, so the
two teams beat each other for a while with various
weapons and no psychology or story. Basically the worst
kind of match to recap, so let’s just jump to the finish
shall we? I just have to mention the announcers
comparing the crowd to members of a golf crowd, because
none of them are seated...and because they presumably
bored to death. The finish of this clusterfuck comes
when Johnny Grunge misses a Top Rope Leg Drop and
crashes through a table, enabling Brian Knobbs to pin
him for the win.
WINNERS: The
Nasty Boys
After the match, Public Enemy gets a measure
of revenge as they team up to put Jerry Sags through a
table on the outside, which will probably mean that this
isn’t over yet and I’m doomed to watch a few more of
these boring ass “brawls”.
“Earl” Robert Eaton w/Jeeves Vs
“Macho Man” Randy Savage
Eric Bischoff again mentions how the fans
are all on their feet and have been during the entire
show. Seriously, didn’t they put in chairs in the arena?
Dicks...I know I’m getting a bit redundant mentioning
this every damn time I see Savage, but...come on...drop
the freaking bandage on the arm.
Randy Savage are on the offence
from the get go and almost immediately vaults Eaton over
the top rope after the referee gets distracted by
Jeeves...worst butler ever. Bischoff proudly talks about
Macho Man getting a “huge” opportunity as he’ll be on
the Cartoon Network show, “Dial M for Monkey” (which was
a part of the awesome “Dexter’s Laboratory”) and on top
of that, we have freaking Fred Flintstone in attendance,
standing around a 1996 pre-nWo Nitro dressed as Fred
Flintstone...someone royally pissed someone important
off here, and judging by that picture, he sure as hell
knows it. OH! Right, the match. Eaton gains the upper
hand due to his dastardly British tactics of raking the
eyes. He follows that up by mimicking Ric Flair and
locking in the Figure-4 Leg Lock, just to hammer the
taunting home (let’s face it, WCW wasn’t exactly known
for being subtle...because other promotions totally
is/were), he brandishes a 4 Horsemen T-shirt to show
Savage. This causes Savage to reverse the hold,
and after dropping Eaton on the ropes and hitting him
with a Scoop Slam, he sets him up for a Flying Elbow.
Jeeves are having non of that however as he pulls him
down, only for Savage to chase him away. Eaton tries to
blindside him, but Savage Back Body Drops him on the
floor and rolls him back into the ring. A Scoop Slam and
a Flying Elbow Drop later, and we have a
winner.
WINNER: “Macho Man” Randy
Savage
After the match, Savage signals for another
Flying Elbow Drop, but the referee tries to restrain
him. This however just results in him getting thrown to
the mat, after which he signals for the bell...which had
already rung? Savage goes up top and despite desperate
pleading from Alex Wright, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
and...Black guy..., he nails Eaton with another Elbow
Drop before the 3 restrain him to the mat, allowing the
least intimidating Head of Security...ever....Doug
Dillinger to handcuff him. Tonight’s Nitro is brought to
us by “The Great White Hype”, a satirical boxing film
that I’ve never seen, but which has a pretty stellar
cast of Samuel L. Jackson, Jeff Goldblum, Peter Berg,
Damon Wayans, Jamie Foxx and...Jon Lovitz?...oh
well...
Ric Flair & The Giant w/
Woman & Miss Elizabeth Vs Sting & Lex Luger -
WCW World Tag Team Title Match
Flair once again stops by Debra McMichael
and tries to woe her, but she looks unimpressed. So the
question remains whether or not Luger continues his
face-ish ways.
Sting and Flair starts off, a WCW classic if
there ever was one. Sting, after some early showboating
from each man, gets the upper hand by hitting Flair with
a Gorilla Press Slam and then Dropkick The Giant off the
apron. He then throws Flair over the top rope onto The
Giant RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REFEREE! Seriously, is that
damn “over the top rope” rule in effect or not anymore,
I suppose it isn’t, even if it was alluded to still be
active just 10 minutes prior to this. Giant humorously
rolls Flair back in the ring to Flair’s annoyance where
he turns straight into Luger, who the throws Flair over
the top rope onto The Giant who as before catches him
and rolls him back into the ring. Flair in sheer
annoyance exits the ring and chops The Giant, who chases
him up the ramp as we go to commercials. As we returns
Flair and Giant are seemingly on the same page as they
work together to dominate Lex Luger. Mongo throws in an
awkward joke about the last time he saw somebody get
stomped like that, his name was Rodney King, which
results in nothing but silence for about 10
seconds...and I thought we made the tasteless jokes
here.
Flair continues to dominate Luger as he
applies a Figure-4 Leg Lock, which he gets assisted in
holding by holding Woman’s hands under the bottom rope.
This irate Sting to the point where he runs over to kick
at Woman, but eventually the referee does spot the
blatant cheating and...does nothing after they release
each other...hmm, bold move Nick Patrick, bold move
indeed. He does however initiate the 5 count a few
moments later as Flair instead resorts to hold onto the
bottom rope instead. Luger begins to fight back, but
Flair stops him cold with an elbow counter...he then
climbs the top rope...retard...anyway, after having
thrown Flair off the turnbuckle, Luger gets the hot tag
to Sting. Sting cleans house and eventually manages to
lock on the Scorpion Deathlock, but Woman throws a cup
of coffee aimed at Luger into his eyes after Luger
ducked, to draw a DQ.
WINNERS: Sting & Lex Luger by
DQ
Luger and Sting are both on the receiving
end of a Chokeslam from The Giant. Heenan seems to think
that Luger ducked on purpose to hurt Sting, but as he
tries to discuss this further he holds up a pair of
handcuffs for some reason, and inevitably gets put in
them by Bischoff. Madusa will actually get a rematch
against Colonel Parker, luckily it’ll happen on WCW
Saturday Night...I think that’s a fair trade for all the
storyline progression. Take THAT,
assholes!
WCW – Aaaah, Good Times:
Where to
begin...no, seriously, where? This was a boring ass,
bland as hell show. It seemed like we were sorta stuck
in limbo and didn’t go anywhere. The matches was just
there to fill out the time, they built towards nothing.
This removes all the progress I felt they had on the
last Nitro.
WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY
THINKING!!!: The Street
Fight was a freaking mess, and not of the good kind
either. As mentioned above, the show went nowhere, and
Hogan burying Arn & Sullivan wasn’t exactly fine and
dandy either. Bad Nitro overall.
Well here I am, and there I go. Check out
all the nifty stuff on the site, it’s awesome! Until
next time, I’m Esben Evans, and don’t do anything I
wouldn’t do (like bring a knife to a gun fight, that’s
just seriously
retarded).
