The dirt roads were empty; the marketplace was
deserted; the roadside holes people defecate into because they have no
concept of toilets were unoccupied; and the denizens of the
community had gathered in the center of the sand-shrouded city. I
propose its "sand covered" because all those darkies look alike
over there in those funny places, don't
they? Arabs? Indians? What's the difference? I mean, they wear those silly
towel hats, right? They smell, right? It's Un-American.
In any event,
huddled around a television set --a Western-inspired
artifact-- the only one to make its way overseas--- unlike soap and
toothbrushes-- they witnessed an UNEXPECTED conclusion to The Great Khali's World Heavyweight Championship celebration
on
SmackDown:
Good booking and quality
wrestling
.
Almost gotcha! Seriously, though, t he glow of the small screen illuminated
the villagers facial expressions, revealing a shared reaction in the
champion's own hometown: Utter shock
. Or maybe it was Udder shock. After all,
the Hindu nation collectively celebrates and reveres cows, which
I might add make for some delicious sandwiches and surprisingly comfortable
pants, divinity or not. Just saying.
In awe of
the tyrannical figure of their culture's mythos, the crowd was silent from the
beginning. Most likely because-- like the rest of the world-- they
had no idea just what the fuck it was that
Khali was saying.
Their stillness told
a tale of engrossing fear rather than celebration (and not boredom, we
swear)-- a fear first learned when The Great Khali walked among
them. Or should I say, ploddingly lumbered among them. His
immobility is the stuff of legend. That and escaping the country's
most infamous correctional facility, The Punjabi Prison. A structure made of bamboo, that
had no roof, and had two dudes randomly opening doors every
2 minutes. It was thought to be inescapable. What could have
gone so wrong?
Among
droves of Punjabi citizens that flocked to watch, none appeared in festive
garb and, despite Ranjin Singh's claims, there was no grand
merriment and no cheering. Fireworks most certainly did not dance
overhead in the fiery sky. And the reason there was no
'fireworks' was because all the village's money went towards the TV and subsequent
satellite dish needed to even get fucking Smackdown. Stupid dirty-brown he-shes.
What's food , lodging and medical care, WHEN YOU CAN
CHANGE FRIDAY NIGHTS.
For many,
it was the first time they'd actually seen the colossal tyrant whose legend
bore an oppression that even the driest heat in the nearby Rohi Desert could not
rival. It's true. Most would rather pick the dried
snot bubbles from their nostrils than sit through the ploddingly horrendous
offense perpetrated by Khali in one of his
"Matches".
A few of the elder more reverent villagers
looked on pensively as they witnessed what they believed might be the
fulfillment of Punjabi prophecy in Khali's championship reign. Yes,
a PROPHECY. Hundreds of years ago a legend was birthed where one day,
a man with seemingly no athletic talents whatsoever would win a fake fighting championship only
because he was tall and like every other guy
who would have gotten it was either hurt or Batista. Man,
they really had too much time on their
hands.
Young children and adolescents soon broke the silence,
whispering questions to their elders in an attempt to gain an
understanding of the fabled giant. Good luck there,
douchebags.
Never before had this community seen the 7-foot-3 titan opposed-- let
alone physically confronted by any man who lived to tell of it.
It's true! Ask that one Asian dude about it sometime!OOPS!
Minutes after Ranjin Singh told of the widespread
exultation of Khali's countrymen, a resolute and valiant Batista
curtailed the champion's lavish self-celebration and
ultimately brought the goliath down. To Chinatown. Which is
somewhere around India, isn't it? All these countries look the same,
after all.
Once The Animal speared Khali, the throng of viewers looked stunned,
many of them gasping as the man who had allegedly been
revered -- even worshipped -- by his fellow Indians was brought down
by The animal. "Perhaps they chose the wrong completely
immobile unintelligible tall dude to nonsensically worship", they thought amongst
themselves.
In a single moment, the lore associated
with a monster who had "conquered every beast
in the wild Punjab jungles"...with brain chops and big boots, and not
say GUNS, was suddenly contradicted. In response, the natives did
not appear to be loathsome of Batista, but rather seemed more astonished
to see their myth literally busted by an Animal. Myths that is,
and not SPINES. Clearly, this was an Animal they could TRULY worship,
because seriously, what's a fucking cow compared to an Animal that can
deliver SPINBUSTERS? Exactly. And who knows? Get enough hormones
into him, and you might be able to milk him,
too!
None would comment on what they'd
seen-- because like so many of us, they turned off the
TV the moment Khali came on the screen-- though many stood with their
mouths agape, the parched lips of some casting near-indiscernible smiles at
the sight of the fallen giant. Then they remembered that
they had dysentery and lived in poverty and
went right back to being depressed. Can't say I blame
them.
This reaction told of the indisputable impact made on a
culture that had never before seen their 420-pound despotic idol
CHALLENGED. Mostly because even an uncivilized culture knew
better then to ever book a match with this clumsy
motherfucker.
It also may have revealed somewhat of an
inconsistency in Singh's claims that Khali is so greatly beloved in
his nation. But hey, whatever. We insist to America that John Cena's
popular here, too, so no harm no foul.
The
unanticipated events of Friday Night SmackDown may have ultimately proved to
be a sign of liberation for the Punjabi populace
from the oppressive hand of The Great Khali.
A HAND THAT CHOPPED MANY OF THEIR BRAINS.
But More importantly, it might be a
sign that Khali is the next mountain
The Animal is focused to conquer
(as "Pits of Danger" are apparently old hat by now).
Batista's
mission to reclaim the World Heavyweight Championship appears far
from over! Seriously. He's had what?
46 straight title shots now? Heaven help us! Or
whever you go when you believe in women
with eight arms and dude's with elephant heads.
USA! USA! USA!
