LETTERS
FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner
by Marx Rayner
THE BLEAK IN REVIEW
by Marx Rayner
Yeah yeah, I know I haven't written a letter in a while. But honestly, what have you people given me? Certainly not high cholesterol, scabies, and crotch rot, because I already had all three. Today, I’m going to try something different, since my in house therapist (that anti-curmudgeonly unicorn fondling sister of mine Morgan) suggested that instead of directing my wrestling related anger toward someone, I should switch it up a tad. Therefore, I now direct my wrestling related anger toward LOTS of people! All the rage, with extra zing to boot!
Here goes, fucktards.
So Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff are on their way to TNA, hmm? WCW in 1994. WWE in 2002. Remember how both of these entities were set back quality wise? Dixie Carter doesn’t. So without any ‘de ja twat’ to jog her memory, she’s going to destroy a perfectly good---well, badly limping promotion by cutting out any semblance of a good leg it has. I’m never going to watch TNA again! Wow, I’ve been saying that for seven years running! Hooray consistency!
Brutus Beefcake vs. Brutus Magnus? I’m SO there! So there to piss all over it like Ozzy Osbourne at the Alamo!
Speaking of Ozzy, the Prince of Darkness is hosting Raw this Monday, along with his hanger-on wife Sharon. Only if he bites off Hornswoggle’s head will I be interested. I’ll NEVER forgive Ozzy for stealing the British Bulldogs’ spotlight at Wrestlemania 2. No wonder Randy Rhodes intentionally crashed that plane.
So Batista’s a heel. Still not interested, Tendonitis Man.
Mickie James is branching out into country music? God bless my mute button. Though she’s getting WAY too fat for my liking. I know in country music, a woman needs to be thin and svelte, and she’s just not cutting it. A man of my standards, I require the woman to be in shape. I have taste, after all.
So it looks like Kofi Kingston’s getting a push, sans the comical accent. When the push fails, I’m going to bitch that WWE wasted a good talent. Then WWE will cut him, and I’ll say WWE held down Kofi and doesn’t know what they’re missing. Then Kofi will sign with TNA and I’ll call him washed up. It’s good to have a routine.
Stop the presses! Chris Jericho has won at six pay per views in a row! Will I finally stop bitching about his lack of push? Well, no.
Kevin Nash defended the safety of the X Division guys in a promo and got suspended for it. My world is melting.
Desmond Wolfe? DESMOND WOLFE?!? TNA, WHAT KIND OF FUCKING STUPID GROIN-GRAFTING NAME IS…..oh, Nigel created it himself? Umm….can I still hate TNA anyway?
Jim Ross, please come back. Byron Saxton SUCKS. I mean, I didn’t watch any of ECW, but I can infer, because I know what I’m talking about. Like when I said that Matt Striker would never be a good announcer. Umm….
I’m out. If you have any suggestions, remember that you’re just wasting my time.
Blow me now or later,
M.R.
by Marx Rayner
Yeah yeah, I know I haven't written a letter in a while. But honestly, what have you people given me? Certainly not high cholesterol, scabies, and crotch rot, because I already had all three. Today, I’m going to try something different, since my in house therapist (that anti-curmudgeonly unicorn fondling sister of mine Morgan) suggested that instead of directing my wrestling related anger toward someone, I should switch it up a tad. Therefore, I now direct my wrestling related anger toward LOTS of people! All the rage, with extra zing to boot!
Here goes, fucktards.
So Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff are on their way to TNA, hmm? WCW in 1994. WWE in 2002. Remember how both of these entities were set back quality wise? Dixie Carter doesn’t. So without any ‘de ja twat’ to jog her memory, she’s going to destroy a perfectly good---well, badly limping promotion by cutting out any semblance of a good leg it has. I’m never going to watch TNA again! Wow, I’ve been saying that for seven years running! Hooray consistency!
Brutus Beefcake vs. Brutus Magnus? I’m SO there! So there to piss all over it like Ozzy Osbourne at the Alamo!
Speaking of Ozzy, the Prince of Darkness is hosting Raw this Monday, along with his hanger-on wife Sharon. Only if he bites off Hornswoggle’s head will I be interested. I’ll NEVER forgive Ozzy for stealing the British Bulldogs’ spotlight at Wrestlemania 2. No wonder Randy Rhodes intentionally crashed that plane.
So Batista’s a heel. Still not interested, Tendonitis Man.
Mickie James is branching out into country music? God bless my mute button. Though she’s getting WAY too fat for my liking. I know in country music, a woman needs to be thin and svelte, and she’s just not cutting it. A man of my standards, I require the woman to be in shape. I have taste, after all.
So it looks like Kofi Kingston’s getting a push, sans the comical accent. When the push fails, I’m going to bitch that WWE wasted a good talent. Then WWE will cut him, and I’ll say WWE held down Kofi and doesn’t know what they’re missing. Then Kofi will sign with TNA and I’ll call him washed up. It’s good to have a routine.
Stop the presses! Chris Jericho has won at six pay per views in a row! Will I finally stop bitching about his lack of push? Well, no.
Kevin Nash defended the safety of the X Division guys in a promo and got suspended for it. My world is melting.
Desmond Wolfe? DESMOND WOLFE?!? TNA, WHAT KIND OF FUCKING STUPID GROIN-GRAFTING NAME IS…..oh, Nigel created it himself? Umm….can I still hate TNA anyway?
Jim Ross, please come back. Byron Saxton SUCKS. I mean, I didn’t watch any of ECW, but I can infer, because I know what I’m talking about. Like when I said that Matt Striker would never be a good announcer. Umm….
I’m out. If you have any suggestions, remember that you’re just wasting my time.
Blow me now or later,
M.R.
Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you. Marx can also be found at http://twitter.com/marxrayner, where he continues to stand behind his pulpit, expounding wrestling truth. Also, the pulpit helps him keep his balance.
