WWE IS
"COPS".
COPS: On location in Stamford,
CT
(The COPS theme
and opening credits
roll)
ANNOUNCER
Cops is filmed on
location with the men...and women (giggle) of law
enforcement.
All suspects are innocent until proven
guilty
(giggle).
(Officers Llyod
and O'Shancy drive around, patrolling the
area.)
LLYOD
Y'know this
neighborhood used to be real quiet back in the
late 90's.
Never had a whole lot of problems,
y'know?
But then around the 2002-2003 area things
for some reason really went to hell. Everyone
got all hot and bothered and the trouble hasn't
died down since. It hasn't
been this bad since the mid
90's!
O'SHANCY
He still has
trouble thinking about the first call he had when
he started back in
1995.
LLOYD
Who was I
arresting?
O'SHANCY
Who.
LLYOD
That's what I'm
asking.
O'SHANCY
No no, his name
was Who.
LLOYD
I dunno his name I'm asking
you!
O'SHANCY
Lloyd, his name was Who. He was a
wrestler who went by the name of Who!
LLOYD
Oh, that's kind of funny but
not really.
DISPATCH
Any available units. we have a
domestic disturbance at 1213 Evian Way, please
respond.
O'SHANCY
On it! This could be
anyone, we get a lot of calls like this. It must be
something in the water supplements...I mean,
supply!
(They arrive at the scene to
see a crazy mustachioed man wielding a
sledgehammer on the front lawn. They get out to
handle the situation.)
LLOYD
Police! SIr, put the
sledgehammer down!
(The man cocks back and hits
Lloyd with the end of it while his fist is still
covering it.)
LLOYD
Hey, that tickles! Seriously, sir,
give us the sledgehammer!
HHH
You ask her! You ask the
BITCH why I'm doing this!
(Steph comes out onto the
lawn in a robe, slippers, smoking a
cigarette.)
STEPH
Officers, I want him out of
my HOOOUUUSSSEE! Who do you
think YOOOUU AAARRRRRRE?
O'SHANCY
Ma'am, what is going on
here?
STEPH
He struck me!
HHH
She's a proffesional
Lieologist!
LLOYD
Sir, relax!
HHH
Tell me Steph, how did it
happen? Why were Aurora
Rose's first words "oooooh YEEEAH"?
STEPH
He hit me with a monitor and
a chair, I'm pressin' CHARGES!!
LLOYD
Seperate! C'mon, c'mon,
SEPERATE!
(Lloyd takes HHH off to the
side while O'Shancy stays with Steph)
LLOYD
Sir, what's going on?
HHH
It's been building for
years. I didn't want
this. I just wanted
to insert myself into the upper brackets of this
business by tying Ric Flair for number of World
Titles held, but then all THIS has to happen! She slept with
Randy Savage!
LLOYD
Sir, we...
HHH
And his brother Lanny!
LLOYD
I...
HHH
And Phineas I. Godwinn!
LLOYD
Sir...
HHH
And Who!
LLOYD
Who?
HHH
Nevermind. I just need a
night to blow off some steam, man!
(Meanwhile, O'Shancy is
talking with Steph)
STEPH
And Todd Pettengill. And
Mantaur. And all of Los
Boricuas...
O'SHANCY
Ma'am please! What do you
want us to do with him?
STEPH
I want him to go to
jail...IF...he fails to beat you guys in a
handicap match!
O'SHANCY
Look, we'll take him in for
the night and you can come get him after he cools
of, ok?
STEPH
You're kinda cute! Ever been with
a girl with a clit in her butt?
O'SHANCY
LLOYD!! Let's get out
of here!
(1:35 a.m. The boys get a
call on the dispatch about a two Peeping
Toms. They arrive on
the scene.)
LLOYD
Police! Get out of the
tree right now!
PEEPING TOM 1
Business has just picked
up!
PEEPING TOM 2
Quiet, JR, she's almost done
with the left shoe! Whoopie!
O'SHANCY
Sirs, get out of the tree
right now!
KING
Up yours, copper, we ain't
never comin' down! Not until she's
in her underwear! PUPPIES!!
O'SHANCY
Why not until she's
naked?
JR
You mean there's ANOTHER
level of undress other than Bra and Panties?!?
KING
PUPPIES!
BART GUNN
Why don't you guys get out of
here?
JR
Bart Gunn! Bah gawd, so
THIS is where you've been!
BART GUNN
I've said too much!
(He leaves.)
LLOYD
We need to get them down, but
how?
O'SHANCY
Wait, I think I have an
idea!
(O'Shancy goes to the squad
car and takes out his nightstick. He smashes one
of the windows.)
JR
BAH GAWD, KING! STONE COLD IS
HERE! STONE COLD!
KING
He's not here JR, they're
just...
JR
STONE COLD, I'M COMING! WE CAN TAKE
THAT TRIP TO CANCUN NOW! STONE
COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Jr jumps out of the tree and
is immediately arrested.)
KING
Nice try, but you'll NEVER
get the King!
LLOYD
Hey, is that Miley Cyrus?
KING
SHIT, where?
Whoooooooooooooooaaaaaa....
(He is put into custody after
plunging from the tree.)
(3 a.m. The ghostly
hour when the nightwatchman snores his
loudest. Except for
these two! They arrive at
yet another crime scene.)
O'SHANCY
We got a call about a
suspicious character roaming these street out
here. Gonna see if we
can find him!
LLOYD
I see him! We can relax,
it's just Jeff Hardy again!
JEFF (singing)
And then a SWANTON *hiccup*
and it goes in yoooouuurr faaaace...hahaha....all
over the....PLACE *hiccup*!
(They walk over to Jeff.)
LLOYD
Jeff, again? Really now,
this is getting sad!
JEFF
I saw 'em. He was in the
air! He had RAINBOW
HAIR! I should write
that down!
O'SHANCY
Jeff you know you're supposed
to stay down in North Carolina with your
brother!
JEFF
I know *hiccup* but when I
got theeerre...my house....it was
all....whooooosh...gone! Don't know
where it is!
O'SHANCY
It burned down, Jeff!
JEFF
It did?!?
LLOYD
We've been over this a
million times and....
JEFF
OH GOD!! WHY?!? WHY,
GOD?!????
O'SHANCY
Jeff, please...
JEFF
So I came up here
hooooping...if you don't MIND...that I could find
my push!
LLOYD
If you get in the car with us
we'll take you to your push, Jeff!
JEFF
Really? No foolin'?
LLOYD
No fooling, Jeff!
JEFF
Where is it?
O'SHANCY
Downtown with us, now
c'mon!
JEFF (singing)
I oooooncce had a PUSH
*hiccup* and I named it LARRY! It wasn't
SCARY...with a litte assault and BARRY...Windham
in the wind with the farts! Hahahahah!
LLOYD
We'll get him back to his
brothers house, I'm sure he's worried sick about
him!
O'SHANCY
This job just doesn't get any
easier!
LLOYD
I know...I know!
JEFF
I knooow...I know!
ANNOUNCER
Here's a special look at next
weeks edition of COPS, where we'll be on location
in Parts Unknown!
OFFICER
We got reports of a man
crashing a plane containing Hulk Hogan
and...what's that on the radio?!?
WARRIOR
I haaaave transended the
bounds of flesh to become one with the little
Warriors in pure kinetic radio waves! I have takem
the PLANE down with a swing of my mighty Dinosword
and have taken Hulk Ho-gan out with the rest of
yesterday's living creatures! I am NOW THE
LORD! I die for the
sins of the fallen! I...
(The officer turns the radio
off)
OFFICER
We never should have hired
him as the dispatch guy!
