WWE IS "COPS".
COPS: On location in Stamford, CT
(The COPS theme and opening credits roll)
ANNOUNCER
Cops is filmed on location with the men...and
women (giggle) of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty
(giggle).
(Officers Llyod and O'Shancy drive around, patrolling
the area.)
LLYOD
Y'know this neighborhood used to be real quiet
back in the late 90's. Never had a whole lot of problems, y'know? But then around the 2002-2003 area things for some reason really went to hell. Everyone got all hot and bothered and the trouble hasn't died down since.
It hasn't been this bad since the mid 90's!
O'SHANCY
He still has trouble thinking about the first
call he had when he started back in 1995.
LLOYD
Who was I arresting?
O'SHANCY
Who.
LLYOD
That's what I'm asking.
O'SHANCY
No no, his name was Who.
LLOYD
I dunno his name I'm asking you!
O'SHANCY
Lloyd, his name was Who. He was a wrestler who went by the name of Who!
LLOYD
Oh, that's kind of funny but not really.
DISPATCH
Any available units. we have a domestic disturbance
at 1213 Evian Way, please respond.
O'SHANCY
On it!
This could be anyone, we get a lot of calls like this. It must be something
in the water supplements...I mean, supply!
(They arrive at the scene to see a crazy mustachioed
man wielding a sledgehammer on the front lawn. They get out to handle the situation.)
LLOYD
Police!
SIr, put the sledgehammer down!
(The man cocks back and hits Lloyd with the end
of it while his fist is still covering it.)
LLOYD
Hey, that tickles! Seriously, sir, give us the sledgehammer!
HHH
You ask her!
You ask the BITCH why I'm doing this!
(Steph comes out onto the lawn in a robe, slippers,
smoking a cigarette.)
STEPH
Officers, I want him out of my HOOOUUUSSSEE! Who do you think YOOOUU AAARRRRRRE?
O'SHANCY
Ma'am, what is going on here?
STEPH
He struck me!
HHH
She's a proffesional Lieologist!
LLOYD
Sir, relax!
HHH
Tell me Steph, how did it happen? Why were Aurora Rose's first words "oooooh YEEEAH"?
STEPH
He hit me with a monitor and a chair, I'm pressin'
CHARGES!!
LLOYD
Seperate!
C'mon, c'mon, SEPERATE!
(Lloyd takes HHH off to the side while O'Shancy
stays with Steph)
LLOYD
Sir, what's going on?
HHH
It's been building for years. I didn't want this. I just wanted to insert myself into the
upper brackets of this business by tying Ric Flair for number of World Titles held, but then all THIS has to happen! She slept with Randy Savage!
LLOYD
Sir, we...
HHH
And his brother Lanny!
LLOYD
I...
HHH
And Phineas I. Godwinn!
LLOYD
Sir...
HHH
And Who!
LLOYD
Who?
HHH
Nevermind.
I just need a night to blow off some steam, man!
(Meanwhile, O'Shancy is talking with Steph)
STEPH
And Todd Pettengill. And Mantaur. And all of Los Boricuas...
O'SHANCY
Ma'am please!
What do you want us to do with him?
STEPH
I want him to go to jail...IF...he fails to beat
you guys in a handicap match!
O'SHANCY
Look, we'll take him in for the night and you
can come get him after he cools of, ok?
STEPH
You're kinda cute! Ever been with a girl with a clit in her butt?
O'SHANCY
LLOYD!!
Let's get out of here!
(1:35 a.m.
The boys get a call on the dispatch about a two Peeping Toms. They arrive
on the scene.)
LLOYD
Police!
Get out of the tree right now!
PEEPING TOM 1
Business has just picked up!
PEEPING TOM 2
Quiet, JR, she's almost done with the left shoe! Whoopie!
O'SHANCY
Sirs, get out of the tree right now!
KING
Up yours, copper, we ain't never comin' down! Not until she's in her underwear! PUPPIES!!
O'SHANCY
Why not until she's naked?
JR
You mean there's ANOTHER level of undress other
than Bra and Panties?!?
KING
PUPPIES!
BART GUNN
Why don't you guys get out of here?
JR
Bart Gunn!
Bah gawd, so THIS is where you've been!
BART GUNN
I've said too much!
(He leaves.)
LLOYD
We need to get them down, but how?
O'SHANCY
Wait, I think I have an idea!
(O'Shancy goes to the squad car and takes out
his nightstick. He smashes one of the windows.)
JR
BAH GAWD, KING!
STONE COLD IS HERE! STONE COLD!
KING
He's not here JR, they're just...
JR
STONE COLD, I'M COMING! WE CAN TAKE THAT TRIP TO CANCUN NOW! STONE COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Jr jumps out of the tree and is immediately
arrested.)
KING
Nice try, but you'll NEVER get the King!
LLOYD
Hey, is that Miley Cyrus?
KING
SHIT, where?
Whoooooooooooooooaaaaaa....
(He is put into custody after plunging from the
tree.)
(3 a.m.
The ghostly hour when the nightwatchman snores his loudest. Except for
these two! They arrive at yet another crime scene.)
O'SHANCY
We got a call about a suspicious character roaming
these street out here. Gonna see if we can find him!
LLOYD
I see him!
We can relax, it's just Jeff Hardy again!
JEFF (singing)
And then a SWANTON *hiccup* and it goes in yoooouuurr
faaaace...hahaha....all over the....PLACE *hiccup*!
(They walk over to Jeff.)
LLOYD
Jeff, again?
Really now, this is getting sad!
JEFF
I saw 'em.
He was in the air! He had RAINBOW HAIR!
I should write that down!
O'SHANCY
Jeff you know you're supposed to stay down in
North Carolina with your brother!
JEFF
I know *hiccup* but when I got theeerre...my
house....it was all....whooooosh...gone! Don't know where it is!
O'SHANCY
It burned down, Jeff!
JEFF
It did?!?
LLOYD
We've been over this a million times and....
JEFF
OH GOD!!
WHY?!? WHY, GOD?!????
O'SHANCY
Jeff, please...
JEFF
So I came up here hooooping...if you don't MIND...that
I could find my push!
LLOYD
If you get in the car with us we'll take you
to your push, Jeff!
JEFF
Really?
No foolin'?
LLOYD
No fooling, Jeff!
JEFF
Where is it?
O'SHANCY
Downtown with us, now c'mon!
JEFF (singing)
I oooooncce had a PUSH *hiccup* and I named it
LARRY! It wasn't SCARY...with a litte assault and BARRY...Windham in the wind
with the farts! Hahahahah!
LLOYD
We'll get him back to his brothers house, I'm
sure he's worried sick about him!
O'SHANCY
This job just doesn't get any easier!
LLOYD
I know...I know!
JEFF
I knooow...I know!
ANNOUNCER
Here's a special look at next weeks edition of
COPS, where we'll be on location in Parts Unknown!
OFFICER
We got reports of a man crashing a plane containing
Hulk Hogan and...what's that on the radio?!?
WARRIOR
I haaaave transended the bounds of flesh to become
one with the little Warriors in pure kinetic radio waves! I have takem the PLANE
down with a swing of my mighty Dinosword and have taken Hulk Ho-gan out with the rest of yesterday's living creatures! I am NOW THE LORD! I die for the sins
of the fallen! I...
(The officer turns the radio off)
OFFICER
We never should have hired him as the dispatch
guy!
